400 lines
21 KiB
Erlang
400 lines
21 KiB
Erlang
WHAT THE H E L L DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
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It should be painfully obvious by now that the world as we know it
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won't last too damn much longer. And what are you doing about it? Going
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to work or school, coming home, goofing around. What will happen to your
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routine when all the shit comes down on us at once? Don't you feel
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responsible for trying to help this endangered planet?
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No? Good. The fact is, it's too late. There isn't a god-damned thing
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you as an individual can do about eco-disaster, nuclear death,
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overpopulation and so on. Things are going to Hell on a fast train and
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about the only thing you, or anyone else besides the Rockefellers, can do
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about it is to just sit back and watch the show.
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But remember - the End of the World may be much worse and take much
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longer than you thought. The mere act of sitting at home watching
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everything fall apart on your TV may be too much for even the stoutest
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brains to take. In fact, the more alert and intelligent you are, the
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quicker you'll likely be driven to suicide by the sheer hideousness of what
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you'll be seing. WILL YOU BE READY?
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WILL YOU STLL BE SANE ENOUGH TO LAUGH WHEN "THAT WHICH MUST COME TO
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PASS," COMES TO PASS? WILL YOU EVER GET SLACK??
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Study our SubGenius "literature" closely. Keep it by your toilet and
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memorize it. If you aren't as dense as most people, you'll be quick to
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realize that, cheesy scam though it MIGHT WELL BE, the Church of the
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SubGenius is just about the only organization around that can help you face
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the god-awful facts without some kind of ingratiating, sweetness-and-light,
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goody-two-shoes, pollyanna, life-is-a-bowl-of-cherries bullshit. NOT ONLY
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THAT, but the Church of the SubGenius is beyond the shadow of a doubt THE
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ONLY TRUE RELIGION. We perform miracles, answer ANY questions, invoke
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demons, and have a direct etheric hotline to the space god JEHOVAH 1
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through our infra-psychic trance-babbling Personal Savior, J. R. "BOB"
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Dobbs--who is actually a pretty regular guy, just very rich and possessed
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by forces greater than Man.
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The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This is
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your chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge, lucrative cult--NOW,
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while the rates are low, so that you will not only receive the immediate
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benefits listed on our Application Coupon, but will also be eligible for
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all the $$$, weird sex, drugs, and sheer POWER OVER OTHERS that go with
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high-ranking membership in what will probably sweep this unkempt planet in
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an unstoppable wave of cynical, dangerous power plays, insanely morbid
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truths and panhandling, zombie-like teenage "followers."
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For the sake of what little you still hold dear, we urge you to submit
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this application so that we may determine if you are worthy to receive the
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closest thing to salvation you'll ever get a whiff of.
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(If you are rich, your money can buy you your own
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personal Church and Congregation. Write for details.)
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"Researching the Public's Fear of the Unknown Since 1953!"
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T H E C H U R C H O F T H E S U B G E N I U S (TM)
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P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214
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___________________________________________________________________________
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APPLICATION COUPON AND ORDER FORM Sign Up Now and SAVE $5,000!
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To the Sacred Scribe of the FisTemple Lodge of the Church of the Subgenius:
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P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214, U.S.A.
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I have___ have not___ completed the Application Questionnaire and, if I
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am found worthy, or even if I am not, I will henceforth consider myself a
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SubGenius or something like one, such as (fill in if applicble):
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___ $20 for CHURCH MEMBERSHIP & ORDAINMENT
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Includes STARK FIST subscription, Pamphlet #1, Catalog, Membership
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Credentials, orientation materials, posters, documents, stickers,
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charts, and such privileges which befit priesthood in a secret society
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of this scope. Includes wallet-sized MEMBERSHIP CARD making you an
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Ordained SubGenius Minister. !!! This is the only way to get on the
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permanent mailing list and pierce the shround of secrecy which
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insulates the cult !!!
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___ $1 for THE SUBGENIUS CATALOG
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Books, posters, MEDIA BARRAGE CASSETTE TAPES BEYOND BELIEF, bumper
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stickers, buttons, T-shirts, gizmos, leaflets. Very detailed, a laff-
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'n-salvation riot in its own right.
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___ $3 for SAMPLE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL Magazine
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With Facts about Dobbs, Other Mutants, Prescriptures, comics pages,
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letters, instructions, interviews, dating service, etc. Takes weeks to
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read.
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___ $1 each for SUBGENIUS PAMPHLET #1
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("The World Ends Tomorrow and You MAY DIE") the one 16-page power-
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packed publication that started it all. So dense with information that
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many persons have gotten lost in it FOREVER. Superb introductory
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propaganda and excellent for just leaving randomly in laudromats,
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restrooms, etc. INSTANT SALVATION FOR ONLY ONE DOLLAR!
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___ $8 each for CASSETTE TAPES
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90 Min. each -- stereo -- color. The MEDIA BARRAGE TAPES, as heard on
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radio. "Bob" speaks through his Ministers; he speaks to YOU.
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Documentary/propagandoid Lessons and Revelations far beyond any present
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medium .. a TOTALLY NEW GENRE. Good for over 75 close listenings.
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Fast-paced, dense with shocking juxtapositions, special effects. Makes
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New Wave even older than it is. Unbelievable sequences from 1) THE
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REAL WORLD (radio, TV, insane preachers, weird cults), 2) THE LIVE
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CHURCHES OF THE SUBGENIUS (excerpts from SubGenius radio and TV
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interviews, sacred trace spouting, revivals, Doktormusick, songs,
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chants, rants, and preaching), and 3) LURID ENTERTAINMENT (choice
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clips from horror, porn, bulldada films). Savage; joyful; monstrous.
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Useful for seductions.
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"From a radio standpoint, it's up there with Firesign Theater, Lenny
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Bruce, Monty Python, Ken Nordine, and The Shaggs. And Jean Shepherd.
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And Norman Vincent Peale. And ... yes, Dobbs has forever entered our
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lives and language." -- Irwin Chusid
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BRAND NEW TAPES! BEST YET!
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___ 10: "REPENT!" (The Conspiracy)
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___ 11: "SHUT UP, PINK BOY" (Aliens + Nukes)
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___ 12: "SLACK!" + Best SubGenius Radio
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___ $11.00 THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS (Ask for it at any bookstore.)
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Published by McGraw-Hill. 200 pages, 8.5x11 large softbound Horror
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Bible. After this, you'll never have to read another book as long as
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you live. Contains all answers to everything, plus profuse
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illustrations and diagrams. Encompasses life of "Bob," entire past and
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future history of Earth, and all instructions you'll ever need for
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success, happiness, and psychic wealth in The End Times. BEYOND "HIP"
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OR "FUNNY;" the "Sistine Chapel" of the 20th Century.
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___ $1.00 STICKERS
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Hundreds of little lick-n-stick SubGenius ads and mysterious
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statements. "Drive your hometown insane." Great for envelopes, toilet
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walls, etc.
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TOTAL ENCLOSED: _________________________
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All prices include postage. Outside USA - ADD $2
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Caution! Warning! Disclaimer!
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Because the SubGenius inner mysteries, dark rites, abhorrent rituals,
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loathsome secrets and repugnant initiations reach into the so-called "evil"
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and "conspiratorial" realms as well as the ordinary, unforbidden sciences
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and magicks, they must never be allowed to fall into the wrong hands.
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There are some things Man was not meant to own, especially Regular Man;
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while the use of SubGenius concepts and tools may be informative, amusing,
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and effective in gaining Something for Nothing, THEY ARE NOT TOYS.
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I therefore swear that I am at least 18 years of age and, furthermore,
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that I will keep private all reading matter, taped discourses, graven
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images, and other cult secrets. If I do not uphold this ancient trust I am
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prepared to meet the Stark Fist of Removal.
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SIGNED: ____________________________________________________
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PRINT YOUR NAME AND MAILING ADDRESS:
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MAIL TODAY!
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No obligation. No Salesmen. Name(s):
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The Church of the SubGenius Address:
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P.O. Box 140306
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Dallas, TX 75214 City-State and Zip:
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USA
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Make check or money order to: The
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SubGenius Foundation, Inc. Money
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back if not satisfied.
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___________________________________________________________________________
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The Church of the SubGenius APPLICATION QUESTIONNAIRE
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Don't spend too long on any one question, and don't answer any if you
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think they're in bad taste, which they may indeed be. Use a seperate page
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if necessary. Or else just blow off this whole questionnaire. (Watch the
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Newsletter for compiled results. Don't worry -- your name won't be used.)
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Have you been getting any lately? How are you?
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Age: Sex: Color of skin, if any:
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Occupation: Monthly Earnings:
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Childhood Religion: Previous Mystic Groups:
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Name a couple of your favorite types or creators of:
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MOVIES, TV: MUSIC:
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BOOKS: MAGS:
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Other favorite things, hobbies:
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Somewhere on this sheet, draw a simple pic of you, God, and your ego.
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When you die, where will you go?
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By what means would you most like to die?
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How and when, if ever, do you think the world will "end" or change
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drastically?
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The future will be fun not so fun pretty much like it is now.
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Name the three most fearsome things you think face the U.S.:
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Describe yourself in a few carefully chosen words:
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Current Short Duration Personal Saviors, if any:
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What makes you think you're a SubGenius, huh? What's the deal here? Just
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what do you have to say for yourself?
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YES or NO Questions
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Simply put a Y or N after each question, or SO for 'sort of'
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Do you sometimes look back at yourself 3 or 4 years ago and think, "God,
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what a jerk?"
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Do you hear voices muttering in your head, faint and indistinct?
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Do you use credit cards irresponsibly in hopes of later payment?
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Do you get messages from space beamed into your skull?
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Are you a 'packrat,' do you hoard material goods you'll probably never use?
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Do you enjoy filing, stacking, resorting them?
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Would you love to go looting during a riot?
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Do you worry about your brain?
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Do you dream of controlling the world?
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When you were a child, did you torture small animals and bugs?
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Do you find it utterly impossible to comprehend the opposite sex?
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Do you get psychosomatic headaches?
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Does your temper stay dormant most of the time, only to suddenly explode
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into quasi-insane rage?
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Do you like to drive fast as hell, with your car stereo cranked up all the
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way?
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Do you often 'tune out' the world while concentrating?
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Do you feel you "march to the beat of a drunken drummer?"
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Do you forget where you just put things?
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Do you catch yourself shooting off at the mouth?
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Do you sometimes want to fire a dear rifle into your TV?
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Do you often lie when the truth would suffice?
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D you blurt out well-meant but uncouth statements and then immediately
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regret it?
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Do you sometimes smash the shit out of your finger when using a hammer?
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Do you have spells during which you are pissed off or depressed for what
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you later decide was no good reason?
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Would you really rather sit around and watch TV than go out?
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Do you deliberately work at an honest but menial job, even though you could
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be making big $$$ as an ass-kissing executive?
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Do you look down on those who would rather do idiot labor or go on the dole
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than try to achieve, as you have done?
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Are you fairly well assured that you're smarter than teh average gazooba?
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Do you get fixated on one amusing little activity and then 'go at it,' day
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and night? Are you scientific rather than superstitious?
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Do you avoid looking too closely at beautiful 13 year old girls? Boys?
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When you get impatient with an inanimate object, do you tear it all to
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shit?
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At night at home alone, are you sometimes convinced that Charles Manson is
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in your closet?
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Do you instinctively imitate dialects and mannerisms when describing a
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scene?
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Do certain textures or noises make your skin crawl?
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Do you often stay up all night?
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Does money 'burn a hole in your pocket?'
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Does everything seem a little unreal to you?
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Do you have certain secrets that no one else knows?
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Have you ever had a psychic experience? Seen a UFO?
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Do you let jobs stack up, rationalizing that you work better under
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pressure?
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Does disorder in your work area drive you nuts?
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Do you spout broad generalizations on subjects about which you know little
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or nothing?
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Do you find human folly amusing? Do you live in your own little world?
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Do you like to go out at night with friends, being rowdy and disturbing the
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peace, drinking and terrorizing citizens?
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Do you get all cranked up and make elaborate plans that will never come off
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in a million years?
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Do you always need to fart during the most solemn occasions?
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When you see someone in pain or discomfort do you laugh, or want to?
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Married? Divorced? Do you have enough Slack?
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Do you recognize the necessity for law and order?
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Do you like your job/school/chores? Paid enough?
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In general, do you really give a shit?
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Do you read much? Watch the news much?
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Do you compulsively read any inane thing (labels, ads) that happens to be
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within vision?
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Do you sometimes get the impression that EVERYBODY of the opposite (or
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otherwise desired) sex is repulsed by you?
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If we invaded little countries or fought Russian with N-bombs, would you
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coddle draft dodgers? Would you get the fuck out of the country?
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Do people consider you odd?
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Do you have different personalities according to who you're talking to?
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Do you sometimes make faces, sing, twitch, etc. for no sane reason?
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Would you just as soon let others make the tedious decisions?
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Do you behave differently with family than with friends?
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Does everything always take twice as long and cost twice as much as you
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thought it would? Are you always late?
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Do you easily 'blow things off' and procrastinate?
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Is today's youth more fucked up than the previous generation?
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Do you clown around a lot? Do your face and voice change grotesquely when
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you get excited?
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Do you ignore your health for long periods? Do you sometimes get all
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'spaced out' and 'dingy' for no apparent reason?
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Do you feel paranoia about people watching you and laughing at you?
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Do you ever dream you are in elementary school, and you suddenly notice you
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are wearing no pants?
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When you were a little kid, if you tapped the left side of your chair a few
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times, did you then feel compelled to tap the right side of your chair an
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exactly equal number of times?
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Do you sometimes go out beating up strangers?
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Do you occasionally shoplift 'in revenge?' Do you go on drug binges
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occasionally? Are you more or less cheerful around others?
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Do you sometimes think you should 'quit?'
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Do you or did you do lousy things to your elders, just to bug them?
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Every now and then, do you tie up blind amputee women and indulge in mud
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sports, canings, and Tasmanian Culture?
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Do you have an phobias, fears, compulsions?
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Do you sometimes dwell morbidly on things like sickness, world problems,
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death, drugs, pain, perversion?
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Are you even slightly sick in the head?
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Do you sometimes fret irrationally over friends and loved ones?
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Do you actually FEAR "Bob" at times?
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Do you figure there's a big depression on the way?
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Do you think the aliens will stop us from destroying ourselfs?
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Do you often dream about a post-holocaust world in which you are top
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caveman? Have you lost pretty much ALL faith in the government?
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Do you bite into an apple and then worry about the weird, chemical taste on
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the skin? Do you use our nation's President as a scapegoat?
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Do you think justice can be 'bought?' Do you instinctively feel that all
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public figures are liars? Do you automatically dislike members of strange
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religious cults?
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When you get home from work, would you just as soon watch some cheap,
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stupid entertainment as more educational fare?
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Do certain 'types' of people get under your skin?
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Does it irritate the hell out of you to see writers use cliches?
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Do you fall madly in love, ALL THE TIME?
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CIRCLE THE ANSWERS WHICH APPLY:
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Which of the following words describe YOU?
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City person; country person; suburbanite; hetero, homo, bi, omni-, or
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a-sexual; "good;" "bad;" sensitive; tough; frustrated; satisfied; athletic;
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healthy; ill; wimp; sane; half-cocked; insane; absent-minded; alert;
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friendly; cagey; sullen; antisocial; goofy; a funny person in conversation;
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tired; energetic; nervous; loose; lively; a wallflower; quiet; loud; blue
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collar; white collar; no collar; talented; untalented; intellectual;
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no-bullshit; moody; weird; normal; depressed; manic; neurotic; psychotic;
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renegade; aggressive; subdued; nice; grouchy; optimistic; cynical;
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pessimistic; smart; stupid; in-between; genius; crafty; shitty; nowhere;
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rich; middle-class; poor; handicapped; macho; educated; uneducated;
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overeducated; and finally, are you an EMERGENTILE, a REWARDIAN, or merely a
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MEDIOCRETIN?
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Which of the following 'phenomena' do you more or less believe in?
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UFOs; astrology; telepathy; precognition; telekinesis; psychic healing;
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pyramid power; ancient astronauts; 'ghosts;' trance revelations; Atlantis/
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Mu/etc.; Bigfoot-type creatures; the Loch Ness monster; none above;
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OTHERS:
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The world condition these days is: bad; good; funny; as expected.
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Right now, you would like to have more:
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Time; money; friends; sex; alcohol; tobacco; marijuana; stimulants;
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narcotics; depressants; hallucinogens; clothes; brains; OTHER:
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___________________________________________________________________________
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LECTURES! REVIVALS! IN YOUR TOWN!
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You can book Rev. Ivan Stang (with SUBGENIUS FILMS) for your campus,
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club, church, theater, or "gallery." Stang and Dr. Philo Drummond will
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do radio talk shows (by phone or in person), and Stang will do TV.
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___________________________________________________________________________
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YES!! I enclose $5 and two questions for DOBBS!
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PRIMANIMAL SUBGENIUS J.R. ``BOB'' DOBBS, HIGH EPOPT OF THE CHURCH, is
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the only Psychic Media Adept on this planet who has passed all of the
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Illuminati Corporation's most stringent tests for ectosplasmodic manifes-
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tations, precognition, telepathy, and telekinesis. As a trance medium he
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is unparallelled, being the main vocal tool on Earth of countless
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discorporate spirits, demons, dear departed on the Otherside, crazed gurs,
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and conquerors of ancient history, alien space intelligences of several
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origins, saints and mystics (including Cerinthus the Mad Gnostic, actual
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author of the Book of Revelation), godlike entities from all eight planes
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of the Beforelife, and -- certainly the most crucial of all -- Dobbs is
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finally the somnambulant voice-box of JEHOVAH 1 THE GODD OF WRATH, jealous
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and vengeful alien Manipulator of the Old Testament. As a "Sleeping
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Healer," the Epopt conspires with Jehovah 1 to synchronize his Nental life
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with the vast Archive worknet of cosmic, deceased shamans, witch doctors
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and medicine men -- the ancient Masters of all the world's peoples.
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A descendant of many great psychics, ``Bob'' began using his gifts for
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financial gain at the age of 6. He has worked as a mind-breaker for the
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government and has more recently built a fortune as Psychic Salesman for a
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multinational cartel (which, like so many other intriguing aspects of
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Dobbs' life, must remain secret).
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To get your money's worth in psychic consultation, Dobbs needs nothing
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more than 1) your questions, and 2) something you have touched -- a five
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dollar bill, for instance, or a blank check (which must bear your signature
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for the Nental life vibrational 'psi-stench' to be readable by Dobbs) --
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these have been found to bring the most fruitful predictions, diagnoses,
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instructions, descriptions of past lives, etc. Simply send your question
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and "offering" with this coupon to THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS and you will
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soon receive in the mail such past life readings and personal revelations
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ABOUT YOURSELF as you could never have imagined in your WILDEST NIGHTMARES.
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And don't forget to sigh the disclaimer! It must be signed before any
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reading will be performed:
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Mr. Dobbs is endowed with powers of extrasexual persuasion as well as
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all ranges of ESP. Although ``Bob's'' accuracy has been questioned by
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previous "clients," no SacraMentallist can claim infallibility. With
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Dobbs, especially, it is only a matter of time before he falters; he is
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farther from so-called 'perfection' than most of us could be if we worked
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at it. Therefore ``Bob,'' his associates, promoters, employees, sponsors,
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agents, followers, and writers must and do disclaim all liability to all
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persons, firms, or corporations who act or rely upon ESP impressions given
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by word of mouth, telephone, correspondence, film, tape, or hologram
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recording now or in the ... the future.
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Signed:
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