351 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
351 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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CHAPTER 0: TRUTHSTINGER BARRAGE
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SUPERIOR MUTANTS!
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REPENT! QUIT YOUR JOB! SLACK OFF!!
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THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE
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(well, no, probably not....but whatever you do, just keep reading!)
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ARE WE CONTROLLED BY SECRET FORCES?
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Do you ever get the feeling that "free will" is a joke?
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DO PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE STRANGE?
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DO YOU??
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Then you may be on the right track!
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ARE YOU ABNORMAL?
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Then you are probably on the right track!
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ARE ALIEN SPACE MONSTERS BRINGING A STARTLING NEW WORLD?
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IF you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected--
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IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years is
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the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore--
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IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that
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you're more "different" than they could possibly imagine --
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IF you can help us with a donation --
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IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor --
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IF the current 'Age of Progress' seems more like the Dark Ages to you --
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IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will
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condone megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above"
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everyone else --
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THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
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Could save your sanity!
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1
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The Book Of The SubGenius TruthStinger Barrage
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INSTANT ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING!
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Your secrets wishes can be granted in full - once you know what they are!
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"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 1961
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NOW, AT LAST!
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The step-by-step process is revealed!
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THIS IS IT -
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-- the only "faith" that promises:
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ACTION-- THRILLS-- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!
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-----------------------------------
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FEELING LIKE THERE'S JUST NO SLACK?
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-----------------------------------
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You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! ("The sleep
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of reason begets monster.") Look to the High Unpredictables of the
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Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchroniz-
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ation! Perfect for your subliminal vision - edit your memory - relive
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your reincarnality - SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
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Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now MIRAC-
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ULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping,
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working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness,
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and painful shortage of SLACK!
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Become a Doktor of the Forbidden Sciences... make religion a kick-ass
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adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Having all the GUILT, but none of the SEX?
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"Have intercourse with a Beautiful Live Girl"
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or
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DAMN NEAR ANYTHING ELSE!
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Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to
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THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your weirdest
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dreams to rampaging LIFE!
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Stand erect for your own abnormality. WISE UP! They're out to get you.
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The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WEIRDMEN
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ARISE!! Find out who "They" are... and how to SMASH them!
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You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM - something
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propped up there for you to blame. But did you know that the real
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"powers that be" are not ever people? That they are actually shambling,
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unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS?
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YES! Jehovah IS an Alien, and still threatens this planet!
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Defy the sinister "Star Forces which mock us all. Evil demons have kept
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the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquoted
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all this time! His actual words may disturb you...but "Bob" Dobbs is a
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bulwark against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind.
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"There's No 'Prob'....With "Bob"!"
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2
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The Book Of The SubGenius TruthStinger Barrage
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"Bob" is a way of life to millions - yet half of them don't even KNOW it!
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He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to help
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you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the only
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real Short-Cut to Slack.
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SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV
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"Bob's" promise is to widen the scope and nature of abnormal behavior...
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to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge and coming back, PLUS to bring
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back those who couldn't on their own...to help you create the HIGHEST
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POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYNAMICS OF ABNORMALITY...to turn Con-
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spiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them into an
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ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will fool normals and GET YOU SEX!
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As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you
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will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate
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from within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts
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and mental skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE
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XISTS, our Mentors in Space; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into
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a new physical body, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging
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mental and material mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become
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an OVERMAN, a dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because
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your SubGenius roots can never be forgotten - you won't abuse your powers,
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but instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing
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always to defend the oppressed SubGenius, wherever he may be!
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The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife.
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Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer! Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE -
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overnight! Attain STATUS - LUCK - PROSPERITY by blowing them off!
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When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan," you get big, strong,
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impressive muscles...a mastery of fighting skills...good health, an
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attractive personality, and, above all, a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE
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OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL! TOTAL DOMINATION of bosses, teachers,
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dates - the job improvement that comes with confidence - INSTANT HIGHER
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GRADES or EARNINGS, WITHOUT TRYING!!
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You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTER of the FISCAL PLANES... the
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OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways to borrow money - from
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other people who don't have it either!
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Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.
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Our "asceticism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give
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up
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the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no man has ever
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dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that
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you had forgotten - or that never existed at all.
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CONTACT ALIENS NOW - both benevolent and evil. They reveal themselves to
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the worthy at our Altar of Xist Contact. Attend End o' the World Drills
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at our Survival Farms. Learn Body Repair, Frenzy Techniques, and Excre-
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meditation. Evaluate and use the so-called "accidents and coincidents" in
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your timestream. Perform long, complicated, impressive-looking rituals of
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Communionication with the desired sex! At the jungle settlement of
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3
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The Book Of The SubGenius TruthStinger Barrage
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DOBBSTOWN, skilled Doktors trained by "Bob" himself can give you acubeat-
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ing therapy, stress aversion by direct electrical brain stimulation,
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breast enlargement through hypnosis, Amnesiastic De-Inhibitional Exp-
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erience Erasure, even plastic surgery through Therapeutic Mind-Letting.
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Yes, YOU can indulge in SubGeniusment even while maintaining your present
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beliefs, practices, and lifestyle - WITHOUT the aid of snide, self-
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righteous "teachers" and gurus. Simply acculture yourself to the Church.
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You will be isolated, given a new diet, a new set of habits, a different
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name and appearance. The now-void brainpan will be refilled with corrected
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info and subconsciously implanted ritual experiences. Follow your FOLLIES
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and COMPULSIONS and become rich like us.
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Explore the "Zen" of stupidity! Channel chronic procrastination into
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life-saving paranoia and precise anality! MAKE WASTE!
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Find out who your Personal Saviors may be and who are the False Prophets
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in your life!
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The most 'NO WAY' New Wage religion yet!
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Brain-trust of our species...
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With the advent of technology, major physical evolution ceases. Thus,
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the next viable mutation must be mental - a new mind/world aspect.
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WE ARE THAT NEXT TEETERING LUNATIC STEP.
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This Contrivative Theology, computer-designed by precise mathematical
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formulae to arouse the lowest instincts of the most intelligent and the
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highest instincts of the least intelligent, is invaluable to all renegades
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who, at any time, are on the Nether Edge of Insanity and can be made whole
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only by develop their Wotan-derived seventh sense of Bludgeon Humor.
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It is the ultimate secret order for those who "know better" but who
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demand in their LUST for GRINS a spectacular, special-effects laden belief
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system -'stuporstition.' It is a certified religion of scorn and vengeance
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directed at THEM, the enemies of us Outsiders. It is "self help" through
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scoffing and blaspheming, frenzied fornication and the Mockery of Graven
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Images. The Church provides sure answers and miracles in the service of
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SURREAVOLUTION.
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"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" - OZ
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"SUBGENIUS"
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Has nothing to do with intelligence,
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Has nothing to do with race,
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Has nothing to do with education,
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Has nothing to do with skill,
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Has nothing to do with humanity,
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"SUBGENIUS" Makes Sense, Has Sense,
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Sells Sense.
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Common Sense, Sense of Humor,
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Dollars and Cents.
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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The Salted Slug Strange 408-454-9368
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510-527-1662
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Tomorrow's 0rder of Magnitude Finger_Man 415-961-9315
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My Dog Bit Jesus Suzanne D'Fault 510-658-8078
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New Dork Sublime Demented Pimiento 415-566-0126
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diverse sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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