491 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
491 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S* $$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ Issue #15, Convention Time Again.. $$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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the best things in life are F R E E
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F R E E
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For more info, send all your money to: F R E E
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
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PO Box 30904 SLACK@ncsu.edu
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Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
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** SPECIAL VULKON ISSUE **
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Elements of the 29th Tactical Squadron of the Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
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will be attending the Vulkon convention in Atlanta Ga. They may be easily
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bribed with large sums of money, real estate, or hot steamy sex. Miracles,
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dispensations, confessions, and financial advice may be obtained according
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to your personal state of unworthiness, determined individually.
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"Bob" Sighting:
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Reported by A.J. Janschewitz <p00258@psilink.com>:
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It seems that some misbegotten system administrator has gotten across the
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fax-on-demand system at a Connecticut state government agency. If you call
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203-297-5698 from a fax machine and tone in 13013 after the recording begins,
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you're prompted to start your fax machine, and after a cover sheet, a
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Picture of the Piped One follows.
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New Comix:
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*** Death: The High Cost of Living 1 & 2 of 3
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Spin-off of Sandman, Death spends a day among the living. Maybe the reason
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she looks like a 16-year old girl has something to do with the average age
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of comic book buyers. Good story anyway.
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** Ren & Stimpy in Space (#6)
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Commander Hoek & Cadet Stimpy vs. The Croco-Men from Planet Zed. Nice
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story, but I don't know how far they can go by reusing old gags from the
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show. Let's see something original. Plus, ad-comic ratio is getting bad.
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***** Cherry's Jubilee #2
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Cherry meets Russian underground classic Octobriana. Plus, Swede Racer,
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Cherry in space, politics, and more. Great stuff.
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***** Cry For Dawn vol. IX
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Same great surreal comics, plus short stories, conspiracy theories, and
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info from the Church of Dawn - videos, books and more available.
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*** The Mishkin File!
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The story of the brilliant early animator Ted Mishkin, and the murals he
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painted as part of his rehabilitation from neurosis.
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*** Simpsons #1
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More adventures of Bart and the other Simpsons. As twisted as the series,
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the first story also contains veiled references to Ren & Stimpy debacle.
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**** The Hacker Files: Working-Class Hero 1 & 2
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Hacker helps refugees from Tienanmen Square massacre, and gets caught up
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in more intrigue with Digitronix Corp.
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******************************************************************************
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[Mysteries of the universe revealed in the
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Asymptote of Absurdity graphic here
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Reprinted from the Journal of Irreproducible Results]
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I EAT MY OWN SHIT! I'm self substaining, self creating, half mutated
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and built for speed! I fuck sheep and they LIKE it! "They" ripped my balls
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off and I GREW EIGHT MORE, just to show 'em. I set my pubic hair on fire FOR
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FUN! I'm indestructable, uncontrolable, excommunable, and completely
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unspellable. My knees have fingers. I eat live camels. BEND OVER, peons,
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because I may not need your worship, but you sure as HELL need mine. HUNGER
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AND THIRST have no meaning for me. Godzilla stomps wine for me. Ten
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thousand vampires sucked my blood while I sucked THEM! The government has
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NO files on me, BUT IT USED TO! Drugs take ME! I'm the original hashish.
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"Bob" stuck me in his pipe, and I blew _myself_ out his ass. I took Ringo
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bowling and won 312 to 17. I COST LESS AND "WORK TWICE AS HARD"!! NOT
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available in stores!
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anselm pepper called danburg@thor.stolaf.edu
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danburgm@carleton.edu
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******************************************************************************
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Now you've done it. You've goaded me into posting one of the short
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stories I ghostwrote for the Church of the Subgenius(TM). It's about Zen.
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I'd like to point out that I in no way endorse the Church of the Subgenius(TM),
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one of the most EVIL organizations in the world. J. R. "Bob" Dobbs is
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the ANTICHRIST and MUST be DESTROYED. If you meet him on the road, kill
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him, then kill yourself, then kill me.
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Everything in this story is true.
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==================================================================
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Z E N A N D T H E A R T O F S L A C K
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by James "Kibo" Parry
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(C) 1991
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My mantra is "mantra, dammit".
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As I sit here on my zafu (that's a Zen meditation pillow stuffed with
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tofu), I reach satori even though I live downstairs from the demolition
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derby rink.
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I feel a oneness with the itch in my first chakra. I feel a oneness
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with the Pet Rock I used to own. I feel a twoness with myself.
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I realize that everything is either something or a hole in something.
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Or, perhaps, everything is one big hole and the somethings are holes
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within the hole. I shift my weight imperceptibly and the zafu makes a
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fart noise.
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Upstairs, two old Trans Ams, surplus from "Knight Rider", collide.
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I can hear the sound of my blood moving through my inner ears. I
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realize that everything which exists is made up of little dots arranged
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in diagonal rows. A cockroach runs across the floor and into my zafu.
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I realize that "Bob"'s teeth are clenched and his Pipe is not between
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them. The teeth are joined and the Pipe ends in front of them. His nose
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casts a shadow on the Pipe and the Pipe casts a shadow on his chin but
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they do not touch. I have reached enfuckinglightenment!
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As I nearly fall off my zafu, it farts again, blowing the cockroach
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into the next room.
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There once was a novice monk named Bho Zho who asked the master, "Does
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a house burn up or burn down?"
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The master set fire to the novice's house, after taking all his money.
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As the house burned both up and down, the novice was enlightened.
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I bow to the Sacred Halftone Print of "Bob" to thank him for the
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enlightenment. As I do so, "Bob"'s face shimmers and blurs before my
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face. All I see is the Dots but not the Smile. All I see is the Smile
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without the Dots. I see both. I see neither. I see the hair of Desi
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Arnaz, the eyes and mouth of Pee-wee Herman, the jaw of Jay Leno all
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combined in a blender: "Bob".
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"Bob" is before me and I am "Bob" and yesterday is tomorrow and I am
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the walrus mama dada googoo chihuahuahuahua ommmmmmmmm
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"Yo! Yo! Stop with the satori already!" "Bob" steps out of the
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picture, slaps me, and pours himself a Dr Pepper. He sits on my zafu,
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which makes a sound like a tuba. I sit on a tatami which is beginning
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to sprout. "Bob" looks me in the eye.
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"Cool it with the meditation, guy, it's dull. It's `Bosom Buddies'
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without the laughtrack. It's the sound of one lip chapping. It's a
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bicycle riding a fish, a steamroller being run over by a birthday cake.
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It just doesn't compare to the fun stuff, especially sex."
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I avoid meeting "Bob"'s gaze as I whisper, "He who claims someone does
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not have Buddha-nature has no Buddha-nature."
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"Hey, it's easier to say `Slack' than `Buddha-nature', you know. Or
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`swellness'. They're all the same thing. You're on a true path to
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enlightenment, but true paths have true dirt and true mosquitoes-false
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paths are much better. Give me your money now."
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"I have no money, just one zafu, one tatami, my oryoki, this setsu
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stick, an inflatable Buddha, a tofu log, all three "Sweatin' to the
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Oldies" tapes, a disposable zabuton, a pile of bulk miso, my
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Zen-to-English dictionary."
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"AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!" "Bob" waggles his eyebrows and
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smiles. "But seriously, pal, I'll take it all and pretend it's cash
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equivalent. Hey, after I take your zafu, I'll even give you a receipt.
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Get it? Re-seat!"
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"Bob" packs all my worldly possessions into his seemingly bottomless
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pockets and he leads me out of the monastery. Milliseconds later, a
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black Trans Am falls through the ceiling, crashing right where we had
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been sitting. It yells insults at us as we walk to the pebble garden.
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"This eggplant in my pocket is like an elephant," said Bhoddyohdor.
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"Yet this elephant in my pocket is like a pair of wax lips," replied
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Tai Dhee Bhoul.
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Just then, Master Rhais Ahroni strolled past. "Tell us," begged
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Bhoddyohdor and Tai Dhee Bhoul, "Is the eggplant like the elephant
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which is like the wax lips, or should we just go watch sitcoms all
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day?"
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The master ate the eggplant, shot the elephant, and got germs on the
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wax lips. The novices were not enlightened. The master laughed.
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"Bob" is using my rake to draw Snoopy in my pebble garden. "So, Kibo,
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why the heck do you have all these pebbles filling up a perfectly good
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wading pool?"
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"Raking the pebbles is a task which accomplishes nothing. The goal is
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to clear the mind by doing nothing."
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"Um, hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't `doing nothing' doing
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something? So by doing nothing, you're doing something, therefore
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you're not accomplishing the nothing in the first place! You can't not
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do anything."
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He is clearly suffering from Bhudda called dhiarrhea of the mouth. I
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say, "You have Bozo-nature."
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"Of course. Because if I said I were not a bozo, I would be proving
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myself to be a bozo! Now, are you a bozo?"
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At that moment, the enlightenment clears from my mind and I devolve to
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a lower plane of being. "Bob" congratulates me by giving me a wig like
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his. We go out for a beer.
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"What is the meaning of this story?" asked the novice. "Also, what is
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the sound of one hand clapping, and what's a zabuton? Why does Fox
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cancel all its shows every season? And why the hell does your Pipe's
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stem hover a quarter-inch in front of your mouth?"
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"Slack," said the master. "Pure, unadulterated slack. But I lie."
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At that moment, the novice's head exploded before he finished this sto
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--
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.............................................................................
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James "Kibo" Parry kibo@world.std.com Independent graphic designer
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271 Dartmouth St. #3D (specialty: logos & corporate
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Boston, MA 02116 (617) 262-3922 identities) and type designer.
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[Comic strip here, not available in ASCII]
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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[MindFuck Collage #1: "TAMMY BAKKER: My hot tips for a heavenly marriage"]
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Sorry Pink Boy, not available in ASCII version.
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Blatant Ad:
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BamaCon 7
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March 18,19,20,21 1993
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Sheraton Capstone Inn and Bryant Conference center
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Tuscaloosa, Alabama
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Guests of Honor
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Jonathan Frakes
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(Cmdr. William T. Riker of Star Trek: The Next Generation)
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Hal Clement Brom and Stewart Wieck
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(Still River, Mission of Gravity) (Dark Sun) (Pres./Editor White Wolf)
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Features
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Art show - A one week showing, no hanging fees
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Movies - A movie festival with two rooms and
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live shows around the clock
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Gaming - Over 20 tournaments are planned, including
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an AD&D Team Tournament with a $10,000 CASH
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PRIZE!! Other prizes will also be awarded
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Computer Room - 24 hour a day games
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Masquerade * Dealers Room * And More...
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For more information write to:
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Bamacon 7
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PO Box 6542 University of Alabama
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Tuscaloosa, AL 35486
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(205) 758-4577
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Yet Another Blatant Ad:
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Astronomicon 2
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Rochester's Science Fiction/Comics Convention
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March 5-7, 1993
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The Radisson Inn, Rochester
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175 Jefferson Road, Rochester NY 14623
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(716) 475-1910- Room Rates: $60/day, S or D
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Guest of Honor:
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Michael Swanwick
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1992 Nebula Award for Best Novel
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Phil Foglio
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Hugo Award-winning Artist
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Special Guests:
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The Gunderson Corp.
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Science Fictio Comedy Troupe
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$25.00 per person Make Checks payable to & for more info:
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at the door Rochester Fantasy Fans
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PO Box 1701
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Rochester, NY 14603-1701
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(716) 342-4697
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*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
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C O N V E N T I O N S
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March 4-7, 1993 (Connecticut)
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1993 WORLD HORROR CONVENTION. Sheraton, Stamford, CT; rms $87 sngl/dbl.
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GoHs: Peter Straub, Les Daniels; AGoHs: J.K. Potter, Stephen Gervais;
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TM: Stanley Wiater. Memb: $75; $25 supporting. Info: World Horror
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Convention 1993, Box 191, Andover CT 06232.
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March 5-7, 1993 (California, Southern)
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CON-DOR #1. Town & Country Inn, 500 Hotel Circle, San Diego, CA 92108;
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rms $69 sngl/dbl; (619)291-7131. GoHs: Octavia Butler, J. Michael
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Straczynski. Memb: $25 until 2/15/93, $30 after (children under 12
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accompanied by parent - free). Info: Con-Dor, PO Box 15771, San Diego,
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CA 92175.
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March 5-7, 1993 (Missouri)
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CONFLATION. Radisson, Clayton, MO. GoHs: Victor Milan, Mike Weaver.
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Adults Only. Adults only convention. Memb: $15 until 1/15/93, $20
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after. Info: ConFlation, c/o Bibbi Wilt, 5138-B Old LeMay Ferry Rd.,
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Imperial MO 63052; (314)287-3825.
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March 5-7, 1993 (New York)
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ASTRONOMICON 2. <See Ad>
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March 5-7, 1993 (Wisconsin)
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WISCON 17. Concourse Hotel, Madison, WI. GoH: Lois McMaster Bujold;
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EGoH: Kristine Kathryn Rusch. SF convention; Tiptree Memorial Award
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Ceremony. Memb: $18 until 2/21/93, $30 after. Info: Wiscon 17, Box
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1624, Madison WI 53701; (608)231-2324.
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March 5-7, 1993 (Canada, Nova Scotia)
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WOLFCON VI. Old Orchard Inn, Wolfville, NS, Canada. GoH: Gordon R.
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Dickson. Memb: C$20 in advance, C$27 at door. Info: Wolfcon VI, Box
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796, Wolfville, NS, B0p 1X0, Canada.
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March 5-7, 1993 (England)
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TREK DWARF. Swallow Hotel, Peterborough, UK. GoH: TBA. Memb: (limited
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to 500). Info: Trek Dwarf, 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough PE2
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5RN, UK; (073)391-1797.
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March 5-7, 1993 (England)
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MASQUE II. Birmingham, UK. British Costuming Convention. Memb: L20;
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L7.50 supporting. Info: Maswue II, c/o Gytha North, 35 Iverley Road,
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Halesowen, B63 3EP, UK.
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March 12-14, 1993 (Maryland)
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INTERCON VIII. Baltimore, MD. Live-action Role-playing Events
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sponsored by the Interactive Literature Foundation. Memb: $30 until
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12/31/92, $35 until 3/1/93, $45 after (ILF members get $5 discount).
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Info: Intercon VIII, Box 196, Merrifield, VA 22116-0196.
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March 12-14, 1993 (Canada, Alberta)
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S.T. CON 93. Ramada Hotel, Calgary, Alberta, Canada. GoHs: Ronald
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Moore, Tanya Huff and Michelle Sagara. Memb: $25 until 3/11/93, $30
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after. Info: "S.T. CON," 44 Scenic Road NW, Cagary, Alberta T3L 1B9,
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Canada; (403) 239-4207.
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March 17-21, 1993 (Florida)
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INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE ON THE FANTASTIC 14. Fort Lauderdale Airport
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Hilton, Dania, FL. GoH: Ursula K. Le Guin. Memb: TBA. Info: IAFA,
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College of Humanities, 500 NW 20th HU-50 B-9, Florida Atlantic U., Boca
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Raton FL 33431; (717)532-1495.
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March 18-21, 1993 (Alabama)
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BAMACON 7. <See Ad>
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March 19-21, 1993 (Florida)
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CRACKERCON 2. Baymeadows Holiday Inn, Jacksonville, FL; rms $50;
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(904)737-1700. GoH: Ben Bova; AGoH: Jeff Adams; SGoH: Walter Miller,
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Jr.; MC: Rembert N. Parker. Memb: $20 until 2/15/93, more after. Info:
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CrackerCon 2, Box 8356, Jacksonville FL 32239; (904)737-1700.
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March 19-21, 1993 (Kansas)
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NEOCON 4. Hilton East, Wichita KS. GoH: Wilson Tucker; AGoH: W.J.
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Hodgson; FGoH: Jim Satterfield. Memb: $15 until 3/1/93, $18 after.
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Info: NeoCon 4, Box 48431, Wichita KS 67201; (316)687-6424.
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March 19-21, 1993 (New York)
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LUNACON 36. Rye Town Hilton, 699 Westchester Avenue, Rye Brook, NY;
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1-914-939-6300; rms $83 singl/$89 dlb/ $98 trpl/quad. NY area
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convention including Art Show, Dealers Room, Regency Dance, Masquerade,
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Filing, Films, Videos, Panels, more. GoH: Orson Scott
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Card; AGoH: Barclay Shaw; Pub. GoH: Richard Curtis; FGoH: Alexis
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Gilliland. Memb: $25 until 2/20/93, $35 after (children 5 and younger
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admitted free). Info: Lunacon 36, Box 338, New York, NY 10150-0338;
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email 73766.267@compuserve.com.
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March 19-21, 1993 (Ohio)
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MILLENNICON -8. Stouffer's Center Plaza, Fifth & Jefferson St., Dayton
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OH 45402; (513)224-0800; rms $65. GoH; Roger MacBride Allen; FGoH: Maia
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Cowan. Memb: $20 until 2/1/93, $25 after. Info: Millennicon -8, Box
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636, Dayton OH 45405; (513)294-1997; email: usr6184a@cbos.uc.edu.
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March 25-28, 1993 (Washington)
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NORWESCON 16. Bellevue Red Lion, Bellevue WA; rms $72 sngl/dbl, $82
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tpl/quad. GoH: Betty Ballantine; AGoH: Janny Wurts; FGoH: Jane Hawkins;
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SGoH: Anne McCaffrey; TM: Bonnie Baker. Memb: $35 until 3/1/93, $40
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after. Info: Norwescon 16, c/o NWSFS, PO Box 24207, Seattle, WA 98124;
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(206)248-2010.
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March 26-28, 1993 (Iowa)
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DEMICON IV. Des Moines' Howard Johnson, Des Moines, IA. GoH: Mickey
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Zucker Reichert; AGoH: Erin McKee; FGoH: Mark Moore; TM: Rusty Hevelin.
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Memb: $17 until 3/1/93; $25 after. Info: Demicon 4, PO Box 7572, Des
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Moines, IA 50322-7572; (515) 270-1312.
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March 26-28, 1993 (Tennessee)
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MIDSOUTHCON 12. Memphis Airport Hotel, (Airport exit off I-240 South
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Loop) Memphis TN; rms $64 up to 4 people. GoH: Alan Dean Foster; AGoH:
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Carl Lundgren; FGoH: Wilson Tucker. Memb: $25 until 3/1/93, $30 after
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(children under 12 half-price). Info: MidSouthCon, Box 22749, Memphis
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TN 38122; (901)274-7355.
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*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ HIGH WEIRDNESS BY EMAIL v2.1
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@@@@@@^ ~^ @ @@ @ @ @ I ~^@@@@@@ is now available!
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@@@@@ ~ ~~ ~I @@@@@
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@@@@' ' _,w@< @@@@ The latest, updated High Weirdness By
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ Email, the world's best guide to all
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@ the electronic strangeness you can
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@@@@ ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ Among the Bees", is available at:
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@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ /pub/incoming
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@@@@@@w| '@@P~ P]@@@-~, ~Y@@^'],@@@@@@ somewhere on quartz.rutgers.edu
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@@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ Files are: WEIRD2_1.DOC
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@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ saturday FEB 27 CINCINNATI SWITCH
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| Featuring
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For hardcopy w/graphics, send SASE to:| dj mike huckaby from detroit
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| dj davy dave & hyperactive from chicago
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption | dj mind candy and daisy from cincinnati
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PO Box 30904 | dj dieselboy from pittsburgh <--- !
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Raleigh, NC 27622 |
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| Live PAs
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For ezine version, mail: | body release from columbus <--- tsines!
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| theory collapse from columbus
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Slack@ncsu.edu to get on list | LUNIK from ne-raves
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quartz.rutgers.edu - back | 513.557.3495 513.648.9647 614.299.9529
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issues (128.6.60.6) |-----------------------------------------
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| saturday MAR 6 TORONTO KRYPTONITE
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MOONBASS ALPHA | brought to you by Genetix- 10 pm
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---- Welcome to Planet Rave) | 416.631.4927
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