388 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
388 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S* $$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$ Issue #9, but who's counting? $$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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the best things in life are F R E E
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F R E E
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F R E E
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For more info, send all your money to:
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
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PO Box 30904 SLACK@ncsu.edu
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Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
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This is the first issue of the HToMC News in nearly a year. Only the
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extremely slackful mail from Priestesses Beth and MB saved us.
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NEWS since the last time:
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Washington DC Pro-Choice Rally: Largest rally ever held in the
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capital. Several Dobbsheads sighted; favorite sport was lobbing
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tennis balls onto the White House lawn, much to the chagrin of the
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Secret Service spooks. Disappointingly few anti-choice demonstrators
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to harrass, although they all took a copy of The Pamphlet.
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DragonCon in Atlanta: Successful Gut-Blowout in Room 538, with the
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"Bob"'s Blood drink quickly running out: not enough time to kill
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another "Bob". This event was also covered by MTV.
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WorldCon in Orlando, Florida over Labor Day Weekend. Yeah, I know,
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this also overlaps with the World SubGenius Convention in Chicago,
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but the WSC is staged to draw the bobbies away from the *real* party.
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HToMC will be at PhenomiCon this year- see ad in this issue.
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Keep those cards and letters pouring in! Due to the new zine format,
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drawings and other artwork will also be accepted for upcoming issues.
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DOBBS SIGHTINGS:
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Flaming Carrot Comics #28
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Dark Horse Comics
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10956 SE Main St.
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Milwaukie, OR 97222
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Dobbs helps uncover the secret of the Man in the Moon
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Hyena #1
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Tundra Publishing Ltd.
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320 Riverside Dr.
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Northampton, MA 01060
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THE RETURN OF PEE DOG! Plus, an entire magazine of
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worthy stories and artwork. Destined to be a classic!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A New MacDonalds Advert
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by mathew
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There's a difference at MacDonalds
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Come and eat here if you dare
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Our latest restaurant's open
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It's just off Tienanmen Square
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To our friends the Chinese government [Neat picture here, if you
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We give our hearty thanks had the hardcopy version,
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They've cleared away the rubble pink boy!]
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And they've hidden all the tanks
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It's fun for all the family
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Please bring your children too
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We love kids at MacDonalds
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We've a special place for you
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The clown Ronald MacDonald
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Has not arrived here yet
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He's giving forced abortions
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To the women of Tibet
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He's rounding up the dissidents
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The students and the rest
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For summary execution
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Via a bullet in the chest
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Come join us at MacDonalds
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And help us make a buck
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When it comes to human rights abuse
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We couldn't give a fuck
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That's the difference at
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MacDonalds you'll enjoy
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--------------------------------------
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J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe
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copywriters. They print it every few years as a full page ad in many
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major newspapers. They call the campaign "Write if you want work."
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My response to the question, "Write the history of the
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United States in 100 words or less":
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Creation. Evolution. Civilization. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation.
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Representation? Declaration. Revolution. Celebration. Constitutionalization.
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Election. Inauguration. Succession. Institutionalization. Conflagration.
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Migration. Plantation. Expansion. Destination Manifestation. Annexation.
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Secession. Rebellion. Abolition. Emancipation Proclamation. Assassination.
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Reconstruction. Industrialization. Assassination. Invention. Transportation.
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Urbanization. Exploitation. Stratification. Assassination. Unionization.
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Protection. Regulation. Suffrage Extension. Balkanization. Destruction.
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League of Nations. Prohibition. Immigration. Depression. Socialization.
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Construction. Isolation. Deterioration. Penetration. Fission-n-Fusion.
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Annihilation. Radiation. Polarization. Militarization. Partition.
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Persecution. Automation. Failed Invasion. Assassination. Investigation.
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Division. Demonstration. Mind Alteration. Space Exploration. Bra
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Incineration. Obfuscation. Resignation. Elation. Stupification. Abortion.
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Stagflation. Gas Station. Computerization. Communication. Deregulation.
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Pollution. Deforestation. Kinder, Gentler Nation. Reunification.
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Reconciliation. Verification. Recession. Demarcation. Obliteration.
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Glorification. Education?
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copyright 1992 david hyatt -- don't rip it off if you're taking the
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same test!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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AWESOME NEW IDEAS FOR NINTENDO VIDEO GAMES THAT WILL BRING IN MUCH $$$
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After a year sharing a dorm with a roomate who's purpose in life was to
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play video games, I've noticed that just about all video games are of
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the hack/slash/bonk/kill everything you see on the screen variety. Even
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the so called "educational" software titles gave up a long time ago.
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Video games have no redeeming qualities, but perhaps a new idea will bring
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in a waft of fresh air, and make the inventor rich as well.
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IDEA #1:
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Flower Delivery Man- You are Humphrey T. Widdleshuns, a delivery
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man for a florist. The object of the game is to bring happiness and
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sunshine to all your customers and flower recipitents. You get points
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for driving your delivery van in a safe and courteous manner, and the
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happier the world is, the more points you get. The 'fire' button makes
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your character smile, so if you smile at a passer by, you get more points.
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The other fire button makes your character say, "Have a nice day!".
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You go up on different levels, with different scenarios. First level would
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be easy. You deliver flowers to people in sleepy Winnionia, Idaho, where
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life is easy and everyone is nice. You go up through New York city,
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downtown LA, Crack neighborhoods in DC, conquering all the unhappy people
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with gifts of flowers and love. The last level is in the Serbia/Yugoslovokian
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border, where you must melt the hearts of grizzled rebel leaders with
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a slavo of "Have a nice day!" (In Serbianish, of course) and smiles.
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The game ends when the whole world is singing in harmony and there's
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sunshine and happiness everywhere, and all the leaders of the world
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hold a big barbecue where *everyone* is invited in your honor.
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IDEA 2#
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Maybe peace and happiness isn't what people want, so might as well
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cut the crap and give 'em what they want. You are Captain H.T. Bludd,
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veteran from the Star Troopers. Your mission is to crush the enemy, the
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Orinians, with the latest Star Trooper battlecruiser. Your battlecruiser
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is big and massive, with unlimited shields, endless supply of enemy seeking
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fusion missles, two billion anti-matter bombs, fifty seven hull mounted
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laser cannons, special "energy wave" disruptors, orbiting fire drone
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assistants, computer-controlled target aquisition, three hundred "smart
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bombs", cobalt space mines, super-warp light speed, auto-repair, and
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everything goes off at once when you push the fire button. And that's
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just to start out, and you get more weapons as the mission progresses.
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The Orinians, on the other hand, are centuries behind weapons technology
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compared to the Star Troopers. The best defense the Orinians are able to
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come up with are a thin spread of slow-moving chemically powered single
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man space capsules, with only a weak laser for offensive capabilities
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and don't even have any shields. Blowing up the Orinians' home planet
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is a piece of cake, since your ship is automatically navigated, and
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all you have to do is hold down the fire button. It'll sell like
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hotcakes, I assure you.
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Derrick
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============================================================================
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"Can God make a penis so big that even he can't masturbate it?"
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[Jim Bakker]
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: jalb@geocub.geocub.fr (Jean-Alain Le Borgne)
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Subject: Advance Registration
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Hi, here is the Pope of Spametics speaking. This is *not*
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advertising, this is your first chance to join the
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< First And Last Multiversal Church Of Spam >
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[ A Schismatic Division Of The Church Of The Subgenius ]
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{ And Of The First Church Of Appliantology }
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All you have to do is send me back the following Advance Registration
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Form, and the Day you perform your Spametics Deed and show the Pope
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Tangible Proof of it, you will in Return receive your very own
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Officially Certified, Sacred Title from the Church.
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1. Administriva
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Last name: .....................
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First name: .....................
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Birthdate: .....................
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2. Title (check one):
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_ _ _
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|_| Popess |_| Cardinal |_| Rabbi
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|_| Buddha |_| Messiah |_| Prophet
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|_| Archbishop |_| Bishop |_| Priest
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|_| Binge Master |_| Holy Ignoramus |_| Sacred Bum
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|_| Other: ............
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3. Totem (check one):
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_ _ _
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|_| Bill the Cat |_| Dr Gonzo |_| Zippy the Pinhead
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|_| Other: ............
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Thank You.
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J.-A. L. B.
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[There's another neat-o graphic
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here, but you're just TSOL.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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OFFICE ART Page #1
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[But, that's graphic too. Tough Luck.]
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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PHENOMICON 1992 announcement:
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November 13-15
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Castlegate Hotel and Conference Center
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Atlanta, GA
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Guests include:
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William Gibson
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Bruce Sterling
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Johnathan Vankin
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Adam Parfey
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Rev. Ivan Stang
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Kerry Thornley
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Rates: $20 August 1 until October 1, 1992
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$25 at the door
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Make checks payable to PhenomiCon
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Mail to: P.O. Box 12141
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Atlanta, GA 30355-2141
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SASE appreciated
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
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1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
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love with you.
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2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
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your contact lens.
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3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
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4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
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5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
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6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
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7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
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not in it.
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8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
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9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
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10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
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sneak him into the coffin.
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11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
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12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
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13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
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14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
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can be read before the funeral is over.
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15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
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who can't afford firewood.
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16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
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17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
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18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
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19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
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20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
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21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
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22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
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23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
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24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's
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mouth.
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25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
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"MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
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26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
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27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
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28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
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29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for
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back-taxes.
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30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
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while praising the deceased.
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[Gee, you're really missing out
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on some earthshattering graphics]
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ The Truth of it is that Love shits in
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@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ your mouth. And the taste of Love's
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@@@@@@ @@@@@@ shit is an acquired taste of both
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@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ fools and geniuses alike. It is
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@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ necessary for survival. Keats was
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@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ wrong. Beauty is not Truth. And Truth
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@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ has nothing to do with Beauty. Maybe
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@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ they had an affair in the late 18th
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ century, but then Beauty dumped Truth,
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ and Love shit in Truth's mouth and the
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@ rest has been sour milk ever since.
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ This is the reason that all lovers are
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ insane. Every last one of them. They
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ have gone crazy from the taste of
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ Love's shit. We are all but Turds
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@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ in an Ocean of Love.
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@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ a mr HEINOUS/RICHH joint
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@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
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@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@
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@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ A Snake!
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@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@
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@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ His Rightful Assholiness
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@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
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@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
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@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
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@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@--WOOF! D R O N F The pipe is
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@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ R N alive!
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@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ O O
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@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ N R
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@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
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@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
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@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@ Pen up your Nose! No One is Safe!
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@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Send all negotiable securities to:
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@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
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@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904
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@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleigh, NC 27622
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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[Captured Conspiracy Propoganda here]
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear
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Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in
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PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!"
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Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"
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