272 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
272 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$
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$$$$$ Praise "Bob" Or Kill me. $$$$$$
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$$$$ Issue #3 $$$$$
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Contents:
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Updated Pledge
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Barbeque of Doom
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The Book of SHAG
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PHILOsophy of the day
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New Clench
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For more info, send all your money to:
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
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PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
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Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Coined by Rodney Ward, a man well known and... well, not exactly loved,
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by the University of California Police, Berkeley Precinct {smirk}
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I PLEDGE A MILLION
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TO THE FUND
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OF THE AMERICAN SPHERE OF INFLUENCE,
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AND TO THE REPUBLICANS
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FOR WHOM WE SCAM.
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ONE NATION,
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UNDERFED,
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INDEFENSIBLE,
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WITH LIBERTY FOR JUST US
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OVER ALL.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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BAR-BE-QUE OF DOOM (a space age love story)
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She led him into the bedroom with a smile on her
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lip.
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"Aha! Good easy buttsex!" he thought
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lackadaisically. "Good thing I brought my penis!" he
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chuckled to himself.
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"What?" she asked, momentarily unsure of the
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situation. After all, he wasn't good looking, what with
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a cleft head and all.
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"Oh, nothing!" he said with a toothy grin.
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"No, really, what?" she said aging.
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"Oh, I was just glad I brought this." He reached
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into his pocket and pulled out a swollen ivory fist.
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"ooooh, ahhhh," she grunted. "That's good, because
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I brought THIS!" she reached into her pouch and pulled
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out a disfigured foot.
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"This will be fun! Just like you promised in your
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ad!" he blurted.
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She drew him down onto the futon. He lay back, but
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something pricked him in the back.
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"Ack! What's this?!?" he articulated, pulling a huge
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mandible out from under the covers.
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"Oh, don't worry yourself with that, love. Look at
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this?" she said thrusting her cat in his face.
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"What!"
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"Oh, woops. I mean this?" she said, shoving her
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face in his face.
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"Hm." he thought, "she has a weird face." In fact,
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she had a huge wiry hair coming out of her tooth. She
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kissed him with restrained abandon. The way her hair
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tickled his esophagus really excited his pulsating fist.
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"Watch this!" he whispered lewdly, hoping to turn
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her on. He friskily fluttered his eyeflap at her lap,
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which groaned restlessly with a torpid passion.
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"Do me!" she said sarcastically. She rolled over
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and spread her cheeks in a very ladylike fashion, which
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reminded him of Princess Di or Al Sharpton. He drew out
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his ivory fist and paused. She reached back and handed
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him some tarry looking substance with bits of meat and
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bone in it. He lubricated the fist thoughtfully and
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gingerly rammed it home. She cried for more while he
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increased the tempo of his plunging stroked her well-
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formed placenta until she climaxed. A thick and soupy
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sludge emerged from her sternum with tired irony.
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"oh you're so good!" she sighed. He removed the
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fist and she rolled over, gasping for nitrogen. He
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pensively caressed her lungbag with his good stump.
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Suddenly, she hit him in the head with the
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disfigured foot.
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"Ngsfll!" he screamed. "What'd you do that for?!?"
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"That tickled, " she countered with disdainful
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flatulence as she careened his cleft cranium again.
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"Snit!" he cried as his tooth flew from his sweaty
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mouth.
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"C'mere lover. Do me right!" She threw him back
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against the bed and straddled him. He smiled in spite
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of the blood flowing from his gums. Suddenly, a three
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fingered appendage quickly emerged from her gaping
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vaginal orifice to grab his manhood. It dropped the leg
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and then correctly pulled the pulsating pecker into the.
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"Hi-yah!" he screamed wildly. She held him down w/
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all of her arms. "Smanch Snig Fnortgobbel Shit!" she
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screamed. Her jaws opened to a monstrous proportion and
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ripped off his lips with her suction leg. Amidst all of
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his screaming and wild gyrating, he strangley thought,
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"hm. funny I never noticed those suction legs."
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That was the last thought he ever thought, though,
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because she then opened her vagina and sucked him in,
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where a small creature inside efficiently dismembered his
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cerebellum.
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"Thanks, Dad." said the creature inside as it
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absorbed the flesh voraciously.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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THE BOOK OF SHAG
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Heed my words, oh miniscule and pulchritudinous ones. Hear and heed, you
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who do not fellatiate, and you who know not the meaning of the great and
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high remex. The end is near. You must heed and follow the things I will
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speak unto you, the words of the great gods, the god of the windowshade,
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the god of the distributor cap, the god of the blue bikini underwear and
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most importantly the god of the dead japanese beetle somewhere on the
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campus of rutgers university. By heeding these words, you will improve
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the gas mileage of your car, enter into a new age of harmony, peace,
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happiness, and belgian waffles. Bring things home each day and not pay
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for them until next september, and make sure that your life is sanctioned
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and guarded by the great race of aliens which will land any day now in
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Starkville Mississippi and revolutionise the way you wash dishes. Be sure
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to not be left out when all human males become obsolete as females flock
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to the alien males and their new, improved, user-friendly genitalia mark
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five systems! You must make your genitalia blue, anointing it with
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indigo. Anoint also your ears, your nose, the back of your neck, and the
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fourth toe of each foot, the most holy of all toes.
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I speak to you of the coming of the greater race. You shall know them by
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their stature, by their countenance, by their language, unlike any that
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man has ever heard, and by their sexual prowess. Behold, they shall land
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in a small town, Starkille, and shall walk the earth among the children,
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and you shall not know them. Many will say in those days, "The gods are
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walking the earth, the gods are walking the earth," but they shall be
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scoffed upon and spit upon and fucked hard by prostitutes in cheap motels
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then bankrupted by the media. But you will pay them no attention and
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merely stop sending your donations. But then, the greater race will
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reveal themselves in all their glory for all mankind to see. The truth
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will be known, and the truth will be that mankind has not paid their lease
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and is being evicted, a new race takes over the planet, please move the
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furniture out and clean the carpeting before you leave. Behold a wonder:
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your children and their children shall mate, producing a better race yet,
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but you, the unbelievers, shall be sentenced to 40 time units of wandering
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in the outer dust clouds of the andromeda sector aboard a tiny spaceship
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called the minnow.
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So, lo, woe, yo, repent while you still are young on an archaelogic scale.
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The world must be saved by the horrors that are low-density disks, AM
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radio, and non-FOX television. You must learn to live without processed
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spinach products, to wean your children on their father's milk,. and to
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accept that power strips and LSD are things of the past. Synthesise your
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offspring carefully so that when the time of the great choosing comes,
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your sons and daughters may be chosen by the greater race to participate
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in furthering their race, in the strange ritual of the cosmic fuck, the
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antithesis of the hells of knowledge, riches, and power, the fulfillment
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of the postmodern dream of red lights, t-squares, and paint blotches.
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Prepare yourselves for the day of the final inkblot judgement, wherein all
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shall be tested for blot and blood type. In that day, some will say,
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"verily, it is an aston-martin, in O positive." To those, the coming one
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will say, "farewell, you were never a phlebotomist, just a prick, depart
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from here into an eternity of dimness and cheap paperback novels and
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genuine IBM computers." But in that fateful day, some will say, "truly,
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it is two schnauzers chasing a naked woman, in AB negative." To those,
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the coming one will say, "come, join me at the cosmic sock hop, you are
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one of my own, you will live an eternity of free drinks and beautiful
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tragically hip waifs."
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For I have been spoken these things by the angels of light, hermetic
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seals, and the small purple man painted on my wall, who read them from the
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great platinum plates upon which they were inscribed from the supernatural
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force of the great god of the cunny, who swallows all things for the
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better of his followers. I have seen the light, I have been enlightened,
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I speak the truth to you, heed it and save your lives and those of your
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fellow neighbour's wife and your neighbour's ass, or do not hear my words,
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and turn a deaf ear to them, and forever suffer in this meaningless
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existance. The gods have spoken, I have written, and the pen, having
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writ, runs out of ink, on this, the next to the last of the last days...
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-The Book of Shag-
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
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@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
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@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
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@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
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@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
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@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
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@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
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@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
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@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
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@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
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@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
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@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@
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@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@
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@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@
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@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
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@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
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@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
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@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
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@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
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@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Subject: fuck it, man...just gimme da bread
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Keywords: CASH! MONEY! SLACK! ah, feh.
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Anyone who's got their head to bleed enough, send me a dollar for
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cool stuff, two bucks for stuff that sucks the skin off, but leaves your
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warts intack, five bucks for tapes of my tea parties with the xists, and
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$500,000 for a limb of your choice. Or just send me a stamp.
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Reverend Suspect Device
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P.O. Box 156
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Amherst, NY 14216
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ALL ONE! Shit, guys...just piss in an envelope and I'll be in
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raptures. Put a check in though. And if you can handle the extra postage,
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slip in the most nubile female available. Or livestock - we're not
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picky. SNAP INTO IT!
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--
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Rev. Suspect Device v061regm@ubvmsd.bitnet "Fuck 'em if they can't take
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Fnepnfz vf gur bayl v061regm@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu a joke." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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fvta bs vagryyvtrapr Naq Lrnu! Fraq zr gjragl Attn: all SubGeniuses! The
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qbyynef sbe "Obo"! Cvaxf Shpx Bss!!! *4 LINES!* FCEEEB wants YOU(r money)!
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Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear
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Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in
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PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!"
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Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"
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