1019 lines
43 KiB
Plaintext
1019 lines
43 KiB
Plaintext
MORE ROWDY SONGS NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN OR SMALL DOGS!
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-transcribed by Ioseph of Locksley
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This collection (c) 1990 W. J. Bethancourt III
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********************************************************************
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THE BALL OF BALLYKNURE (AKA: THE GATHERING OF THE CLANS)
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-Traditional Scots from the 1880's
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SCA verses by Ioseph of Locksley & many others
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NO responsibility for misuse is assumed!
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(1) Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure
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Where your wife, and my wife, were doin' it on the floor!
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(chorus) Wha' do ya, lassie?
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and wha' do y'noo?
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I'm the man what did y'last, lass,
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I canna do y'noo!
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The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey
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The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!
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The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire
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Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre!
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Oh, the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox
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He couldna' do the ladies so he did the letter-box!
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The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall
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"Put yer money on the table, boys, I'm going ta do you all!"
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The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin' on the stair
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The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air!
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There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks
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You couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks!
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They were doin' it on the landing, they were doin' it on the stairs
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You couldna' see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs!
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The Kingdom Herald, he was there, whattya think o'that?
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Blazoning positions wi' a Duchess and a cat!
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(10) The fubba-wubbas they were there, sittin' all alone
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Complainin of the doin's with loud and piercing moans!
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Mr. Jameison he was there, the one that fought the Boers
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He jumped up on the table and he shouted for the hoors!
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The Board of Directors they were there, and they were shocked to see
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Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin' from a tree!
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John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game
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He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame!
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The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that?
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Amusin' himself by abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat...
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* more *
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2
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Ball of Ballyknure (cont.)
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It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated
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But pretty soon the doin's got so bloody complicated!
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Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore
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Only two got back again, and they were double-bore!
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Clan MacChluarain, they were there, sleepin in the shade
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For no one could decide if they were Man, or Sheep, or Maid!
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The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch
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But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch!
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The Kingdom Seneshal was there, linin' 'em up in rows
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He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his toes!
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(20) The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much
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His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did 'em with his crutch!
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The old schoolteacher he was there, he diddled by rule-of-thumb
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workin' logarithmicly the times that he would come!
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The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute
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For every time he farted, he covered 'em all with soot!
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The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat
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A-doin' Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat!
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The Rapier-fighters they were there, doin' what they could
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A-thrustin' and a-parryin' with Real Steel, not with wood!
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The local Hordesmen they were there, busier than bees
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the ladies wouldna have 'em, so they diddled dogs and trees!
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The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood
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He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good!
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The shenai-fighters they were there, all wrapped up in smiles
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A-doin' everyone they could in Oriental style!
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The College of Heralds they were there, in the other room
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Arguin' about who would do what, with which, to whom!
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The rattan-jocks were out in force and they were such a sight
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They didna do the ladies 'cause they'd heard there was a fight!
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(30) The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod
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He never got a rise that night, so he diddled 'em with a cod!
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The Kingdom Laurels they were there, and quite a sight to see
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A-doin' everyone they could, and most artisticly!
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The Kingdom Pelicans were there, doin' it with a sob
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They diddled out of duty; it was just another job!
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Four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness
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And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less!
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* more *
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3
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Ball of Ballyknure (cont.)
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There was doin's on the porches, and doin's on the stones
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You couldna' hear the music for the loud and joyful moans!
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(insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles
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Doin' thirty-two at once, and in amazing style!
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All the Kingdom spodes were there, but they just sat and sulked
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For this was the occasion that no one told them "Get fulked!"
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Clan MacChluarain they were there, chasin' round the Keep
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And every single man of them buggerin' a sheep!
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(insert name) had a gerbil, he diddled it very well
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He didn't wrap it in duct tape: he blew it all to hell!
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(insert name) he was there, with his favourite toys:
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A dozen beautiful women, and a dozen beautiful boys!
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(40) (insert name) he was there; he wasn't very nice
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He didna do the ladies, he did gerbils, rats and mice!
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(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
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Takin' on all comers, and she hasn't finished yet!
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(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,
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The Dark Horde carried her away, and we ain't found her yet!
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The Locksley Monsters they were there, lookin' for some nookie
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But they got distracted by a chocolate chippie cookie!
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(insert name) he was there, a crafty friend of Ghengis,
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He speaks a lot of languages; he is a cunning linguist!
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The village Masochist, he was there, beggin' for some blows
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The Sadist merely looked at him, and softly answered "No!"
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Yang the Nauseating was sittin' out in back
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The ladies did na' want him for he smelled too much of yak!
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The village druggist he was there, grinnin' like a fox
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He'd sold out of condoms, so he sold 'em dirty socks!
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Buell the Kind was also there, that beggar meek and mild,
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He didna' do the ladies, he had brought his favourite child!
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(insert name) he was there at the revel feast
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He doesn't like the girls, and the boys call him "The Beast!"
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(50) And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat
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For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat!
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It was a grand old party, lads, and sure a Locksley Plot
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And every lad and lassie there was glad of what they got!
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And when the Ball was over, everyone confessed
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The music it was wonderful, but the "doin's" were the best!
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***************************************************************
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4
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***************************************************************
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Follows are extra verses, and XXX-rated verses, to "The Ball of
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Ballyknure":
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(Alternate CHORUS): Singin' balls to your partner
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Arse agin' th' wall!
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If y'canna' get laid on Saturday nicht
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You canna' get laid at all!
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The Minister's wife, she was there, buckled tae th' front
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Wi' a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt!
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The Minister's dochter, she was there, an' she gat roarin' fu'
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Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' and did her like a coo!
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The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud
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Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd!
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(insert name) was there, as well, she kept us all in fits
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Jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits!
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The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool!
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He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole!
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The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front
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He said, "My girls, thy sins are blessed!" and shoved it up their
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cunts!
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The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand,
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And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man!
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(60) The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick:
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Bouncin' on his testicles and whistlin' thru his prick!
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The village fireman was there, quenchin' lassie's fires
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He diddled 'em in the firetruck, right beside the tires!
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(insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front,
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With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt!
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The village nympho, she was there, wi' a happy grin
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Every hole was stuffit fu', and she was fu' o' quim!
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The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass
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He diddled 'em in their cunnys, and also in the ass!
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One female musician was some sight to watch
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With "Dowland" from her lute, and "Palestrina" from her crotch!
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There was doin's in the bedrooms, there was doin's in the tub
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'Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub!
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The bride was in the bedroom, explainin' to the groom:
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The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb!
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The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth;
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The Queen was in the parlor, playin' with herself!
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* more *
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5
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Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
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(insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass
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And when he blew a fart, m'lads, sparks flew out his ass!
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(70) The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head
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Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread!
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The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk,
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So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk!
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(insert name) was excited and racin' round the hall
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A-pullin' on his pecker and showin' off his balls!
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The Parson's wife, she was there; she was the worst of all:
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She pulled her skirts above her head and shouted: "Fuck it all!"
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(insert name) he was there; he played a wily game:
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He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came!
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(name) and (name) they were there, and they were quite a pair,
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Each did a lassie seven times, and never touched the hair!
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(insert name) he was there, up to his old trick:
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Dancin' naked 'round the room, pirouettin' on his prick!
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(insert name) he was there, but he wouldna' dance,
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Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin' for his chance!
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(insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool:
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He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool!
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(insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree
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With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee!
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(80) The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck,
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So they put them on the table to see if they would fight!
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The cows were wearin' bridles, the horses wearin' bits
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The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits!
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(insert name) he was there, grinnin' at the Queen
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He'd built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam!
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(insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin' bloke
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Masturbatin' all by himself with a backhand double stroke!
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The Royal Fool was also there, sittin' in the hall,
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Tryin' to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball!
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(insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf,
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The ladies were na' guid enough, so he went and fucked himself!
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(insert name) she was there, and she was very strange:
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You stick a dollar in her cunt, she'd spit back 10 cents change!
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(insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep
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The ladies wouldna have him, and we'd run clean out of sheep!
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* more *
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6
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Extra and XXX-rated verses to "Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.):
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(Alternate CHORUS): Singin' who hae ye, lassie?
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Who hae ye noo?
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The ane that had ye last time
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He canna hae ye noo!
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(insert name) he was there, big and strong and mean,
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Out behind the bushes, boys, picking his next Queen!
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They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park,
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And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark!
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(90) First they did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's,
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But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes!
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The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool,
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The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool!
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(insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall,
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(s)he didn't want the doin's, just a lot of alcohol!
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First lady over, second lady front,
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Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's cunt!
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Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed,
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Seventh lady's finger up the eighth lady's ass!
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Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back,
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Eleventh lady's finger in the twelfth lady's crack!
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(insert name) he was there, givin' happy sighs!
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His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes!
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A strapping Scotsman he was there, known to all as "Ronald"
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His rise it weighed a quarter-pound...he must be a MacDonald!
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Bunny Foo-foo he was there, hoppin' thru the wood,
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Doin' the Good Fairy like a horny rabbit should!
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Big Goon Foo-Foo, he was there, stomping thru the weeds
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Buggering the Good Fairy ( his attitudes have NEEDS! )
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(100) Monty Python, they were there, with their ferocious MOOSE,
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"The bloody parrot's bloomin' DEAD; 'e canna reproduce!"
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(insert name), that randy wench, she was also there,
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And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air!
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(name) and (name) they were there, havin' themselves a ball,
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She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all!
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The Kingdom Marshal, he was there, full of botheration,
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For nobody signed a waiver for the evening's fornication!
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(insert name) she was there, and she was lookin' pert,
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With six or seven Cavaliers underneath her skirt!
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* more *
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7
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Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
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(insert name) was also there, with his feather-bed,
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And on the bedposts he had marked his score of maidenheads!
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Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear,
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You'd be drunk there with him if you came just once a year!
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(insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick,
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Tallyin' up his score that night by notches on his prick!
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The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt,
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He'd dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt!
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(insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot,
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So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot!
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(110) (insert name) (s)he was there, hid behind a mask,
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God knows what (s)he was doin', lads, we didna stop to ask!
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(insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see,
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They bent him (her) o'er the table, and the rest was Greek to me!
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James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen,
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He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen!
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(insert name) he was there, but he was runnin' late,
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Askin' round from man to man just how to copulate!
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(insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep,
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Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep!
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The (insert name) all were there, that's what I presume,
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They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room!
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(insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise,
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With "USDA Grade A Choice", tattooed on her thighs!
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(insert name) he was there, sittin' on a stump,
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Masturbation was his choice; he didn't know how to hump!
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(insert name) was also there, doin' his famous stunt:
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Braidin' all the pubic hair on every single cunt!
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Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she's dead,
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She's terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head!
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(120) Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes,
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He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his nose!
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Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see,
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The ladies sat upon his face and shouted "Lie to me!"
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Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem,
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And ended his refrain with the words: "Thrust home!"
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(Insert name) was also there, and he was lookin' cute,
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He didna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his lute!
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* more *
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8
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Extra and XXX-rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
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(Alternate CHORUS:) Singin' balls to your partner,
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Arse against the wall!
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If you can't get laid at Pennsic (Estrella)
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Then you can't get laid at all!
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Good King (insert name) he was there, looking very regal;
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He wrapped his pecker in duct-tape to make it combat-legal!
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(insert name) she was there, lookin' woebegone,
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'Cause when you spread her legs, me boys, a little light comes on!
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(insert name) (s)he was there, havin' quite a ball!
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Shoutin' out "When I am (King/Queen), I'm gonna screw you all!"
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All the (insert name) they were there, scratchin' at their jocks,
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Doin' things like parakeets, and unsuspecting rocks!
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(insert name) was sitting there, filled up with remorse,
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He'd got a little drunk that night, and did his lady's horse!
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(insert name) was also there, with his brand-new bride,
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But when he opened up her legs, his pet canary died!
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(130) (insert name) he was there, he canna see at all,
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so he satisfied his urgin's at a knothole in the wall!
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(insert name) he was there, his brain is in his cock,
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He dragged his lady off by the heels, and filled her up with rocks!
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(insert name) he was there, feelin' full of oats:
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He diddled his lady from Land's End all the way to John O'Groats!
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Elanor of Aquitane was dancin' round the room,
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She didn't like the Lily, so she took up with the Broom!
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Elanor of Aquitane was very, very nice....
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She didn't like French Culture, so she tried the English Vice!
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Everybody heard about the Ball of Ballyknure,
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With four-and-twenty Countesses, a-fuckin' on the floor!
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The King of (insert name), worked up a head of steam,
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And all the Duchesses in sight yelled out "God save the Queen!"
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Good old (insert name) he was there, takin' up the slack,
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Separatin' the men from boys with a chromium bumper jack!
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|
||
(insert name) was also there, and he is Very Pure;
|
||
We think he has a pecker, lads, though no one's very sure!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) was also there, and she was very shocked,
|
||
When she heard a shepherd boy yell "Lady, go get flocked!"
|
||
|
||
(140) All the lads and lasses there were mated, ones-and-twos,
|
||
Except for good old (insert name) who came inside his shoes!
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
|
||
9
|
||
Extra and XXX-Rated verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
There was doin's in the hallway, doin's on the stairs,
|
||
It was the biggest doin' there had been for years and years!
|
||
|
||
There was doin's in the roses, in the grass and in the rocks,
|
||
When (insert name) caught his -sporran- in some giant hollyhocks!
|
||
|
||
It looked sae funny hangin' there, that everybody jeered,
|
||
They'd never seen a hollyhock that ever wore a beard......!
|
||
|
||
Guid old Jock McNorris took his partner by the arm,
|
||
And grinned, and said "Another "do" won't do us any harm!"
|
||
|
||
They were doin' it in the garden, they were doin' it all around,
|
||
There were folks a-doin' on every inch of ground!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, sittin' on his tush,
|
||
He never made it to the point, just "beat around the bush...!"
|
||
|
||
William of the Shire was there, he wasna' in the race,
|
||
He wouldna' use his pecker, so he did 'em with his mace....!
|
||
|
||
There were lassies with the syphllis, and lassies wi' the piles,
|
||
And lassies wi' their hinder parts all wreathed up in smiles!
|
||
|
||
The village magician he was there, doin' his vanishin' trick:
|
||
He pulled his foreskin over his head, and vanished in his prick!
|
||
|
||
(150) There were doin's in the gravel, there were doin's in the stones
|
||
You couldna' hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans!
|
||
|
||
There was doin's on the sofa, there was doin's in the chair,
|
||
And when they found the trampoline, there was doin's in the air!
|
||
|
||
Soon all the Duchesses began to sing this song
|
||
And it was twice as dirty, and fourteen times as long!
|
||
|
||
The Sheriff of the Shire in the corner he did stand,
|
||
Giving his Staff of Office a polishin' with his hand.
|
||
|
||
The village blacksmith he was there, but he was not for hire:
|
||
He was making giant rubbers out of a tractor tire!
|
||
|
||
The village baker he was there, and looking pretty mean;
|
||
A-shouting that the girls were tarts, and pumping them full of cream!
|
||
|
||
The village blacksmith he was there, his balls were made of brass,
|
||
And every time he laid a girl the sparks flew out his ass!
|
||
|
||
The village hooker she was there, a-lying on the floor,
|
||
And every time she ope'd her legs, the suction closed the door!
|
||
|
||
Little Johnny he was there, but he was only eight;
|
||
He couldn't go join in the fun, he had to masturbate!
|
||
|
||
The blacksmith's wife she was there, a-sitting by the fire,
|
||
Performin' abortions by the hour with a piece of red hot wire!
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
10
|
||
Extra and XXX-rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
(160) (Insert name), she was there, that wicked little slut!
|
||
Performin' things unspeakable wi' a North Sea halibut!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) was also there, a-playin' fast and loose;
|
||
Rompin' 'round the barley fields with Marvin de la Moose!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name), she was there, a lady quite perverse;
|
||
She'd worn out all the peckers so she went from bed to wurst!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name), she was there, and she is past eighteen;
|
||
She is a rapier fighter, so she diddled Florentine!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, all filled up with lust,
|
||
He'd had so many lassies that his pecker just shot dust!
|
||
|
||
The Musketeers were also there, and they were fast and quick,
|
||
You should have seen their doin's with their muzzle-loading prick!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name), he was there, but he had run amuck
|
||
He diddled geese and chickens and a passing Mallard duck!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, with his sharp Chibouk,
|
||
While nobody was watchin' him, he diddled him a Duke!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, and he is most discreet
|
||
Underneath the bedsheets wi' his favorite parakeet....!
|
||
|
||
A Corsair captain he was there, he shouted out "Ahoy!"
|
||
We'd run clean out of lassies so he did his cabin-boy!
|
||
|
||
(170) Stick your hand beneath my kilt; I'm a gruesome troubador!
|
||
And if you stick it there again, you'll see it grew some more!
|
||
|
||
All the Peers were also there, and they refused to work,
|
||
So they sat around in Circles, and they had a Circle-jerk!
|
||
|
||
"What the hell's a 'sporran'?" the lassie loudly begged;
|
||
She was answered: "It's the hairy thing between a Scotsman's legs!"
|
||
|
||
(Insert Irish name) he was there, doin' dogs and such,
|
||
You can always tell an Irishman, but y'canna tell him much!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) was also there, he is an awful churl
|
||
He poked a hole into the ground, and diddled the whole world!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) was at the Ball, he's really quite bizarre,
|
||
We locked him in the closet while he diddled his guitar!
|
||
|
||
The village policeman he was there, the pride of all the force
|
||
They found him in the stable, whacking off his horse!
|
||
|
||
There were doin's in the parlor, there was doin's in the grass
|
||
and all that you could see were waves of undulating ass!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, and he was long and high,
|
||
But when he did her forty times, he was doin' mighty dry!
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
11
|
||
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (Cont.)
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, his prick was long and broad
|
||
But when he did the Duchess, well, she had to be re-bored!
|
||
|
||
(180) (Insert name) had an even stroke, his skill was much admired
|
||
He diddled one cunt at a time until his skill expired....!
|
||
|
||
The village builder he was there, he brought his bag of tricks
|
||
He poured cement in all the cunts and blunted all the pricks!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, the leader of the choir,
|
||
He hit the balls of all the boys to make their voices higher
|
||
|
||
Another idiot, he was there, leanin' on the gate
|
||
He couldn'a find a cunny, so he had to flatulate!
|
||
|
||
The village doctor he was there, he had his bag of tricks
|
||
And in between the dances he was sterilizing pricks!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, a-lookin' for a fuck
|
||
But all the cunts were occupied, and he was out of luck!
|
||
|
||
The Vicar and his lovely wife were havin' lots of fun:
|
||
The Vicar had his finger up another lady's bum!
|
||
|
||
There was fuckin' on the couches, and doin's in the punts
|
||
And linin' up against the wall were rows of grinnin' cunts!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he played a dirty trick, we canna let it pass
|
||
He showed his lass his mighty prick, and shoved it up her ass!
|
||
|
||
The village plumber he was there, he felt an awful fool;
|
||
He'd come eleven leagues or more and forgot to bring his tool!
|
||
|
||
(190) The smithy's brother he was there, a mighty man is he;
|
||
He lined them up against the wall, and shagged 'em three by three!
|
||
|
||
There was doin's on the highway, there was doin's in the lanes,
|
||
You couldn'a here the music for the rattlin' of the stanes!
|
||
|
||
There was doin's on the couches, there was doin's on the cots,
|
||
And linin' up against the wall were rows of drooling twats!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, drunk beyond a doot,
|
||
He tried to stuff the Parson's wife, but couldna' get the root!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there and he was in despair,
|
||
He couldna' get his pecker thru the tangled pubic hair!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) did his doin's right upon the moor,
|
||
It was, he thought, much better than doin' on the floor!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, his prick was all alert
|
||
But when only half the night was done, t'was danglin' in the dirt!
|
||
|
||
The doctor's daughter, she was there, she went to gather sticks
|
||
She couldna' find a blade of grass for cunts and standing pricks!
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
12
|
||
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (Cont.)
|
||
|
||
(Alternate CHORUS:) Singin' who did ye last, lass,
|
||
Who's doin' ye noo,
|
||
The one tha' did ye last, lassie
|
||
Canna do ye noo.
|
||
|
||
The village blacksmith he was there, roarin' like a lion,
|
||
He'd cut his prick off at the forge, so he used a red-hot iron!
|
||
|
||
The Mayor of the village, was doin' by the rule;
|
||
Partin' all the pubic hairs and wadin' thru the drool!
|
||
|
||
(200) Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean,
|
||
So she did the Fubba-Wubbas, while he diddled a Marine...!
|
||
|
||
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?
|
||
With pussy fair, and pubic hair, and peckers in a row!
|
||
|
||
There was doin's in the kitchen, there was doin's in the halls
|
||
You couldna hear the music for the clangin' of the balls!
|
||
|
||
The Parson's daughter, she was there, the cunning little runt,
|
||
With poison ivy up her ass, and thistles up her cunt!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) was also there, this I must confess:
|
||
Buggerin' at the Parson's cat; it's "pussy" none the less!
|
||
|
||
(Insert name) he was there, a pervert all his life;
|
||
He didna do the lassies...he only did his wife!
|
||
|
||
I have a little pussy, her coat it is so warm,
|
||
And if she douches regular, she won't do me no harm!
|
||
|
||
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water;
|
||
They spent the day a-diddlin', doin' things they shouldn't oughter!
|
||
|
||
Ivan the Terrible he was there, that filthy Russian cad,
|
||
The Boyars called him "Terrible," the ladies said "Not bad!"
|
||
|
||
(Insert Arabic name) he was there, in his white burnoose,
|
||
He sat down at the table and he called for "Cunt au jus!"
|
||
|
||
(210) I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me boys, for singin' this awful song,
|
||
But if I'm a pain-in-the-ass, me lass, I'm doin' you all wrong!
|
||
|
||
The village economist, he was there, his slide rule in his hand,
|
||
Figuring out exactly when supply would meet demand.
|
||
|
||
Henry the Fifth, he was there, and this is what he said:
|
||
"Once more out of your breeks, my friends, and give me English head!"
|
||
|
||
Ghengis Khan he was there, and he was such a fright!
|
||
"First you burn, and -then- you rape; 'tis best by firelight!"
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, and he is big and hairy;
|
||
He spent the evening with a will, pluckin' virgin cherries!
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
|
||
13
|
||
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
(Alternate CHORUS:) Please do it this time
|
||
Please do it now!
|
||
And if you did it last time
|
||
You surely must know how!
|
||
|
||
The Parson's wife was there that night, sittin' by the fire,
|
||
Knittin' prophalactics with a rubber wire.
|
||
|
||
(insert name) was at the Ball, lookin' pretty grumpy;
|
||
His pecker isn't very long...the ladies call him "Stumpy!"
|
||
|
||
(insert name) was at the Ball, for this he is renowned:
|
||
His pecker is so very long, it drags along the ground!
|
||
|
||
The KaKhan of the Horde was there, and he is very smelly;
|
||
"First you rape, and THEN you burn; that's how to be rake-helly!"
|
||
|
||
(insert name) (s)he was there, and lookin' pretty foul,
|
||
Doin' seven horses, two chinchillas, and an owl!
|
||
|
||
(220) The King is the biggest prick you've ever seen;
|
||
We may cry "God save the King," but, Lords, God save the Queen!
|
||
|
||
My Lady went to London, my Lady went to France,
|
||
My Lady goes to Fredrick's to buy her underpants!
|
||
|
||
My Lady's very beautiful, and this is what she wears:
|
||
Jewelry, and fancy gowns, but NEVER underwear!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) she was there, lyin' in the grass,
|
||
With "Property of (insert household name)" tatooed on her ass!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there; we did a double-take,
|
||
When we saw him gettin' sexual with a shovel and a rake!
|
||
|
||
The yurt was getting noisy, the yurt was getting loud;
|
||
It was a Mongolian Cluster Fuck, and drawing quite a crowd!
|
||
|
||
The Old Professor, he was there, sittin' on a shelf,
|
||
Demonstratin' to all concerned how Man Makes Himself!
|
||
|
||
Dracula was also there, dressed up in his cape,
|
||
Explainin' to Van Helsing that "It vasn't really -rape-!"
|
||
|
||
The Computer Nerd he was there, his life was mighty rough,
|
||
Complainin' that the wet-ware wasn't wet enough!
|
||
|
||
The Queen was in the counting house, counting out her wealth;
|
||
The King was in the Countess, and the Count played with himself!
|
||
|
||
(230) The Parson's daughter, she was there, hotter than a match,
|
||
We found her doin' pushups in the ol' cucumber patch!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, horny as can be:
|
||
We found him stuck in a knothole, tryin' t'do a tree!
|
||
|
||
* more *
|
||
|
||
14
|
||
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
(Alternate CHORUS:) Wi' a fa'll dae it this time
|
||
Fa'll dae it noo?
|
||
The yin that did it last time
|
||
Canna dae it noo!
|
||
|
||
The town musician he was there, hummin' a merry tune,
|
||
Because a lass was on her knees blowin' his bassoon!
|
||
|
||
(name) and (name), they were there, actin' bold and brassy:
|
||
He was doin' Rin-Tin-Tin, and she was doin' Lassie!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, but he was indisposed,
|
||
He did na' diddle the regular way: he did 'em wi' his nose!
|
||
|
||
The village Doctor, he was there, at surgery he is grand,
|
||
He took most of the evening to circumcise the band!
|
||
|
||
There was doin's in the barley, there was doin's in the oats,
|
||
Most were doin' lassies, but -some- were doin' goats!
|
||
|
||
T'was on the twelfth of August, the party'd just began!
|
||
I never will forget, m'lads, the gatherin' of the Clans!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) she was there, lookin' like a sow,
|
||
So they tied her up by the big barn door and did her like a cow!
|
||
|
||
(insert name), he was there, enjoyin' all the smut,
|
||
He'd found himself a three-hole punch, and he was goin' nuts!
|
||
|
||
(240) (insert name), she was there, she said "Alas! Alack!"
|
||
For one lad took her from the front, the other from the back!
|
||
|
||
Thirteenth lady in the room, fourteenth lady out,
|
||
Fifteenth doin' the bedpost, with a joyful shout!
|
||
|
||
Sixteenth fainted dead away, seventeenth was drunk,
|
||
Eighteenth in the bathtub, bathin' in the spunk!
|
||
|
||
(insert name), she was there, that wicked little tyke,
|
||
She hangs out with the pirates 'cause she -loves- those marlinspikes!
|
||
|
||
A Lord and Lady Herald were bein' circumspect:
|
||
The one said it was "rampant" the other said "erect!"
|
||
|
||
The cleanin' lady she was there, pickin' up the residue
|
||
And when she had it all picked up, she put it in the stew!
|
||
|
||
First they did it one-by-one, and then by he-and-she!
|
||
And when the ball was over, they were at it fives-and-threes!
|
||
|
||
The groom was in the bathroom, explainin' to the bride
|
||
That the penis, not the scrotum, was the part you stuck inside!
|
||
|
||
The village smithy he was there. feelin' rather coarse
|
||
They caught him in the back room, suckin' off a horse!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there. suckin' on a brew
|
||
Starin' at a naked lass, and wonderin' what t'do!
|
||
|
||
15
|
||
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
(250) (insert name) she was there, wanderin' far from home
|
||
Three handsome lords to serve her there, and still she had t'roam!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, wanderin' 'round the hall
|
||
Askin' all the pretty maids, but gettin' none at all!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) she was there, loaded down with swords
|
||
Surrounded by bits of arms and legs of over-friendly lords!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, pecker well in hand,
|
||
Singing in the key of Off, but lookin' mighty grand!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, but couldn't get it hard,
|
||
So his lady satisfied herself with the burly bodyguard!
|
||
|
||
The King of (insert name) he was there, and he could do no wrong
|
||
'Cause the ladies know that rulers are all twelve inches long!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) she was there, challengin' all the lords
|
||
Wishin' one would take her up for other than shields and swords!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) she was there, singin' a lament
|
||
Gettin' help with the higher notes from the gentleman in her tent!
|
||
|
||
A Certain Viking, he was there, the ladies for to do
|
||
He had his horney helmet, so he did 'em two-by-two!
|
||
|
||
A lady down from (insert name) was lookin' for a spoon
|
||
But when she saw what I showed her, she fell down in a swoon!
|
||
|
||
(260) Well, I was feelin' Mary, but she left with Master Roy,
|
||
So I went back to the parlor, and there I jumped for Joy!
|
||
|
||
Ask (insert name) a question, she'll answer if she can,
|
||
She'll tell you she does wonderous things, but not with any man!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, doin' all he can,
|
||
I have seen NINE ladies disappear into his van!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, he'd been six times before,
|
||
He won this time because he'd laid (insert name) upon the floor!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, boastin' to the crowd
|
||
So we threw him in the cattle-pen, and thus was (insert name) cowed!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, teachin' us all to sing,
|
||
Tho he'd much prefer the ladies to play with his ding-a-ling!
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, from lands across the sea
|
||
Eyein' all the ladies, for he needed more than three!
|
||
|
||
The Heatherwynos staggered in with their Gods of Alcohol
|
||
Keepin' themselves from fallin' down by holdin' up the wall!
|
||
|
||
The Abbey brothers, they were there, teachin' us how to pray:
|
||
A flagon full of good brown ale, and a woman, twice a day!
|
||
|
||
16
|
||
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
|
||
|
||
(insert name) she was there, and she was in demand
|
||
Makin' prophylactics, and givin' 'em to the band!
|
||
|
||
(270) The village brewer, he was there, drinkin' bottles of beer
|
||
And every now and then, for fun, he'd shove one up his rear!
|
||
|
||
The village cobbler walked right in with his leather and his awl
|
||
Makin' kinky garments for the wierdos at the ball!
|
||
|
||
The priest of Pan he danced right in, as on his pipes he played
|
||
And keepin' score upon his horns each time that he got laid!
|
||
|
||
The Mother Superior, she was there, with the village squire
|
||
Remainin' a virgin by jackin' him off, and shootin' it in the fire!
|
||
|
||
The town's old master smith was there, his hammer in his hand
|
||
The men they all were jealous, but the ladies thought him GRAND!
|
||
|
||
The jester was dancin' naked, all but his bells and cap
|
||
Nobody applauded...but they all gave him the Clap!
|
||
|
||
Several lusty wenches gathered round the door
|
||
And tripped the men as they came tru, but beat 'em to the floor!
|
||
|
||
Santa Claus, he dropped right in, bouncin' thru the flue;
|
||
Grabbin' all the lassies and doin' 'em two-by-two!
|
||
|
||
The Easter Bunny, he was there, searchin' for some eggs
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He found one in a mess of hair between a lady's legs!
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The leprechaun he sauntered in, all of three feet high
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Just the size to stick his nose into some furry pie!
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(280) (insert name) he was there, playin' on his lute
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Teachin' all the lassies how to play in his skin-flute!
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The village vet, he was there, lookin' to get laid
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Askin' round the ladies if they had been spayed!
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(insert name) he was there, rubbing ladie's backs
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||
But no matter how long or hard he tried they wouldn't jump in his sack
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||
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Rialtans they were also there, with their keyboards and their screens
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||
Until somebody threw a willing wench into their damned machines
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||
Ioseph of Locksley he was there, furthering the Plot
|
||
Thank God for penicillin, we don't know quite what he got
|
||
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||
(insert name) was also there, with his cooler full o' beer
|
||
Just his luck, he tried to fuck a lass who turned out queer
|
||
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||
The King and his knights were there, with brass hat and white belts
|
||
Doin' tricks with a wench or six in a pile of ferret pelts
|
||
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||
(insert name) he was also there, with his wolves upon a chain
|
||
Panting and howling like he'd been caught in in a patch of wolfie-bane
|
||
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||
|
||
17
|
||
Extra and XXX-Rated Verses to "The Ball of Ballyknure" (cont.)
|
||
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||
The local Herald, he was there, with his books so tall and thick
|
||
Walking about in pompous haste, and stepping on his dick!
|
||
|
||
Pet. de Cat., de cavalier, showed up in lace and leather
|
||
The morning after, he woke on a rafter, his clothes were in the heather
|
||
|
||
(290) A tribe of Tuchux they were there, just dressed in bunny fur
|
||
They all ran out when they heard a shout "You @#$%-&*# Cur!"
|
||
|
||
Ardjjuk Afraid-of-his-Cats was there and he was fraught with fear
|
||
At the very thought of getting caught by one of the pussies near
|
||
|
||
Four and twenty virgins came out from the West
|
||
It didna' take 'em long 'til they was doin' with the best!
|
||
|
||
Clan Blue Feather, they were there, a bunch of folks so gay
|
||
I didn't mind so long as they did not get in the way
|
||
|
||
Good Sir <insert name> was there, white belt across his mid
|
||
When the ladies saw him coming, they all ran off and hid
|
||
|
||
<insert title> <insert name> was there, brass hat upon his head
|
||
His ancient bones let out such groans we thought he'd wake the dead
|
||
|
||
Good Sir <insert name> was there, with spurs upon his heels
|
||
Showing the gals how to please their pals and suffocate trouser eels
|
||
|
||
Master <insert name> was there, white baldric 'cross his chest
|
||
Making no "pax" with Castle Anthrax and it's "peril" from Python's quest
|
||
|
||
(insert name) he was there, playin' fast and loose
|
||
Doin' an innocent gerbil, and wishin' it was a moose!
|
||
|
||
(note: This may not be ALL the verses, but it's doggone close!)
|
||
|
||
LAST UPDATE: 02/26/91
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||
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||
***************************************************************
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