344 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
344 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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/ ! THE COMPLETE ESSENTIAL ! /
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/ ! ! /
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/ ! STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO ! /
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/ ! ! /
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/ ! THE MASS PRODUCTION OF: ! /
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/ ! ! /
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/ ! MODERN (G)HORROR MOVIES ! /
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/ /
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/ (C) '88 HELLRAISER & VISION (NFL) /
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/ /
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/ Call Borington's BEST... /
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/ /
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/ >CAMP BLOOD< 416-332-4803 /
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/ 300/1200 BPS /
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/ 24 Hours/day /
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/ 07 days/week /
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/ >1 MEG u/d's /
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/////////////////////////////////////
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This guide has been compiled for all
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you sicko's out there, of which we ourselves are not exempt, who thrive on the
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element of horror. (In other words, the concept of people getting
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systematically gored, mutilated, mangled, bludgeoned, and so on...)
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The production of such films has been developed to an art in that there is
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an obvious unwritten guideline that most follow. This file changes that so that
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U2 (you too) and any other fool off the street could design his or her own (for
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you libbers out there) 'mangle 'em up movie'. So, when you have made your first
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million, remember who you have to thank for it. We would welcome any
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profit-sharing that your conscience leads you to.
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THE BASIC PRINCIPLE OF THESE MOVIES:
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In the production of horror movies, one must consider QUANTITY. QUALITY is
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of little (if any) importance. These 'Grind 'em into the ground' films have
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become immensely popular and will continue to be so for one main reason; this
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being that the vast majority of 'us' are demented. 'We' are quite willing to
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shell out 5 bucks at the theatre on a regular basis in order to watch our
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favorite MURDERER/ MONSTER/FIEND/SICKO/FREAK/DEMON rip apart our least favorite
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VICTIM(S)/ LOSER(S)/GOODY-GOOD(IES)/KNOB(S). Perhaps this is a comment on the
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stability and state of today's rapidly degenerating society... Fuck that!!!
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Anyways, it should now be apparent to even the simplest of simpletons that
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'wholesome hacking' films are SOUND profit-makers.
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BASIC REQUIREMENTS:
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Entrepreneur (you) with an unstable
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mind.
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1 day to spare. This figure, although quite high, accounts for time used
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for script-writing (rough draft = final),
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No-name (low-cost) actors (relatives, for instance). * All measures must
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be taken to prevent the unnecessary loss of profits, all filming, and
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patenting.
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The name MUST get straight to the point and be simple enough for the
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audience to understand. 'Autumn Asphyxiation', for example, would not be
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acceptable (no one would know what autumn means!)
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Suitable examples: KILL!, KILLED!, KILLER!, KILL 'EM ALL! DIE!, ALL DIE!,
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YER DEAD!, DEATH! SPLATTER, SPLITCH, SQUELCH! CHOP, CHOP, CHOP! BLADE!, AXE!
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OR, u can try the "MASSACRE" approach: DRIVE-IN MASSACRE, MICROWAVE
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MASSACRE, TEXAS CHAIN-SAW MASSACRE, SLUMBER- PARTY MASSACRE, ESPANOLA MASSACRE,
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THE RESERVE TOMAHAWK, MASSACRE, etc.
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Once you have a winner, DON'T STOP!! Release SEQUELS with subtitles!!!
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AXE!
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AXE II: The Blade Gets Sharper!
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AXE III: 3-D!
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AXE IV: Pain!
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AXE V: More Pain!
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AXE VI: Return of the Axeman!
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AXE VII: The End!!!
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AXE VIII: We Lied.
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Team-ups are always popular and so you get:
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AXE IX: Axeman vs. Jason vs. Freddy
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Don't stop here...
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These films gain a great deal of popularity because of their association
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with HEAVY METAL and SEX!! Could that be another indicator of society's imminent
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collapse?? Always hire THRASH METAL groups to sing your theme songs and perform
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sound effects (sometimes it is hard to tell which is the theme song and which
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are the sound effects!)
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For example:
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SOUND FX (poor Billy's death cries as performed by 'Diehard'): UG!
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AAACKKKK! AWWWK! FUCKKK! ERK!
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THEME SONG (also by 'Diehard'): UG! AAACKKKK! AWWWK! FUCKKK! ERK!
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Hire no-name Thrash groups (people will like them and buy their albums)
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because it is cheaper this way. Do not pay millions to Ozzy and the boys to be
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in your movie... hire 'The Granny-fuckers', 'Bash Heads', 'Inverted Cross',
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'L.S.D.', 'Nic Fit', and so on. You can find any of these groups on local
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street corners, malls, arcades, record stores where it is easy to steal from.
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If all else fails, simply shout, "DRUGS!" and you are guaranteed to attract
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their attention!
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The lyrics of your theme song are of no importance. Tape yourself while
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you are gargling if you can't think of anything else. This is what will happen
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when the group records it:
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LYRICS: You are gonna fucking die you fucking faggot! Fucking take your fucking
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head and smear it on the fucking wall! Yer gonna be fucked up real fucking bad!
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Don't fuck with us! Don't take no fucking shit! Fuck that!
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CHORUS: Fucking right! Fucking hell! Fucking Yaaa! Satan! Satan! Satan! AXE!
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Fucking right! [Repeat] [Repeat] [Repeat]
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GUITAR SOLO followed by smashing of guitar over head of person in audience
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CROWD: AXE! AXE! ALRIGHT! AXE! AXE!
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BUT... all of the above will come out as:
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YJG-JH-BjKIGGBbbaFKl-J-JJJsKkjKJAA... * Note that this is difficult to
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understand.
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Sex, as mentioned previously, plays a major part in these movies. Be
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ORIGINAL, though. Try new, never-before-tried-things! Trust me... the sickos
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out there will love you for it! The villain usually has one thing on his/its
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mind: KILL! It is usually the victims who indulge in sexual acts during their
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short life-times on screen. Do not be stingey on actresses like you are with
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your actors, though. Do not use your sisters/mother/aunts/nieces in your movie
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because they are probably as ugly as sin. Use BABES only! Test them out
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yourself, first, to make sure they are up to par.
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The name of your feature-film may be greatly influenced by SEX. Use names
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like 'Deadly Dildos', 'Babes Get Blasted', 'Bludgeon The Bitch', 'Slut
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Slaughter', and 'Painful Pussies'.
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* Note: Name such as these will draw
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crowds with low mentalities.
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People with low mentalities
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are the majority, so this is
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good.
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* Note 2: The name does not have to
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relate to the film in any
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way. (If you have a real
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loser film about a girl
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and her pony, call it
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'Ultimate Orgy Gets The
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Axe VII!' and it will be
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popular.
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SPECIAL FX:
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Now, special effects is a department which, in modern times, has become
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extremely advanced. Unfortunately, it is also very expensive. You can avoid
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this expense by using REAL, authentic props (corpses, skulls, blood, etc.) If
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you really want to splurge and use imitations, keep in mind Heinz (why settle
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for second best, eh?)
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STUNTS:
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You might decide to film stunts at night. This is actually a cop-out
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because people can't see what is happening and it leaves much up to
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their gruesome imaginations. If you ran out of time writing the script (i.e. it
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took longer than 1 day), this is a good idea... Just film the next scenes at
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night and do absolutely nothing. Like FX, stunts are cheaper if they are REAL.
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Do you have any idea how expensive it is to do a mock death scene of a guy
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getting his eyeballs forced thru the back of his head??? And messy too! It is
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much more convenient and realistic to do it for real. After all, it isn't nice
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to trick the audience with fake killings... yes, many of them are so out of it
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that they can't separate movies from reality. You can call these useful
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killings of actors "on-location accidents"... these things happen... tsk, tsk.
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So that actors aren't wasted, try out the stunts on your friends first.
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Lastly, when planning your film, THEME, PLOT, and CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT are
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of absolutely no concern and should be avoided at all times. These things tend
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to confuse the audience and should be restricted to English class.
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NOW! THE PART YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR:
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THE OFFICIAL STEP-BY-STEP
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DOCUMENTATION TO THIS ART
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THE PLOT (heaven forbid):
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1) Something happens to royally piss-
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off the murderer-to-be. If he is a
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wimp he may get stomped on; if he
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is not a he but a she, she may get
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raped. If it is a creature or
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Freddy-type, no agitation is
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required. They kill because it is
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FUN.
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2) If the killer is mortal it often
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gains some form of power until there
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are but a few left.
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5) Usually, there is a good fuck scene
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where two get gored for the price
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of one.
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6) The final individual (sometimes
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more than one, but not often)
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always lasts longer than the rest.
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The killer seems to grow somehow
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more useless and cannot eliminate
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her <- note, not him.
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7) The chick gets some sort of weapon
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(there are always tons of these
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lying around in places like play-
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grounds, schools, etc.) and tries
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to fight back. Being a useless
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girl, she fumbles it and loses it.
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The killer picks it up.
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8) In her retreat, the chick runs into
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the bodies of all her pals. Its
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amazing how they all seem to fall
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from above and pop up here and
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there, especially since she never
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noticed anything before.
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9) While running with the mangler in
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pursuit, what does every bitch do?
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That's right, she FALLS. Sometimes
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she will get up only to fall again.
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It becomes something of a Spiderman
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or Hercules cartoon affair. You
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know, how the creature is always
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just behind no matter how many
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times the person falls. During
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the actual pursuit, only the
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killer's boots can be seen (unless
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its a sequel and we have seen the
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murderer before).
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10) Not to forget the constant
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whimpering of the victim. The
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final victim usually resorts to
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talking to herself a great deal.
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She will say, "Oh no! Here he
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comes!! Help me!" Strange. There
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is no one else around. Who is she
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talking to?
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11) There is always a point when the
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victim tries to plead and bargain
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with her assailant. "Who are
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you?" "What do you want??" (Its
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kind of obvious what he wants)
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"Please don't hurt me!" "Here,
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take all of my money and credit
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cards!!"
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12) Oh shit! We forgot to mention the
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shower scene. Not to worry, film
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producers forget these things all
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the time and tack them in anywhere!
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Yes, this is a must. Sometimes blood
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even comes out of the shower itself.
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13) If the victim is still trapped in
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a house, the power should go about
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now.
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14) She will look through every window
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and guess who will be there? Guess
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who will also be behind every corner
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in every room. (Killers can change
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locations very fast, but they chase
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you slowly).
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15) The wench escapes from the
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building (not that it's exactly
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hard to leave a house or anything)
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and is chased again across an
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open courtyard... she falls.
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16) A struggle results in which the
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killer's mask is ripped off! The
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prep (mostly all chicks in these
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movies are awesome-looking preps)
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is paralyzed with fear but still
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doesn't get axed.
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17) Something happens (varies) and the
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killer gets killed! Wrong. He is
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really alive and gets up again,
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and again, and again, and again.
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(This is especially true of human
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killers with absolutely no special
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powers). Meanwhile, the chick
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will stand there and watch him get
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up and come for her.
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18) Alas, the chick escapes against
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all odds and the killer lies dead.
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* Note: The stupid bitch never
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keeps hammering him like she
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should. (She stands and looks at
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the body instead with a dazed
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expression on her face).
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19) A happy ending right? Wrong!
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Just before the credits appear
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and 'Diehard' commences with the
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theme song 'Fuck Hell', the
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killer's finger twitches; his eyes
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open; or he smiles.
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20) You have reached the end, right?
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Wrong! There will, of course,
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be a sequel. Be on the look out
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for all accompanying paraphernalia.
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(dolls, comix, video games, you
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name it!)
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(C) 1988 TSS/Camp Blood Enterprises
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Watch for other similar files from us!
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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