2065 lines
73 KiB
Plaintext
2065 lines
73 KiB
Plaintext
___________________________________
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| MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL |
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FILM SCRIPT
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Written as was performed in the feature film
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---------
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Transcribed by Adam R. Jones
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Helpers: Hans ten Cate, Rich Jackman, Malcolm Dickinson, Bret Shefter
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Monty Python and the Holy Grail - (c) 1974 - Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd.
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______________________________________
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| The Cast: (in order of appearance) |
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|______________________________________|
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KING ARTHUR Graham Chapman
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PATSY Terry Gilliam
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SOLDIER #1 Michael Palin
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SOLDIER #2 John Cleese
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CART-MASTER Eric Idle
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CUSTOMER John Cleese
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DEAD PERSON John Young
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DENNIS Michael Palin
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WOMAN Terry Jones
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BLACK KNIGHT John Cleese
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GREEN KNIGHT Terry Gilliam
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VILLAGER #1 Eric Idle
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VILLAGER #2 Michael Palin
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SIR BEDEVERE Terry Jones
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WITCH Connie Booth
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VILLAGER #3 John Cleese
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VILLAGER #4 Neil Innes
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NARRATOR Michael Palin
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SIR LAUNCELOT John Cleese
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SIR GALAHAD Michael Palin
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SIR ROBIN Eric Idle
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PRISONER Mark Zycon
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MAN Neil Innes
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GOD Graham Chapman
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FRENCH GUARD John Cleese
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HISTORIAN John Young
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KNIGHT John Cleese
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HISTORIAN'S WIFE Rita Davies
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MINSTREL Neil Innes
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LEFT HEAD Terry Jones
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MIDDLE HEAD Graham Chapman
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RIGHT HEAD Michael Palin
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ZOOT Carol Cleveland
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PIGLET Avril Stewart
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WINSTON Sally Kinghorn
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DINGO Carol Cleveland
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OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER Terry Gilliam
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TIM THE ENCHANTER John Cleese
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HEAD KNIGHT OF NI Michael Palin
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CARTOON CHARACTER Terry Jones
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FATHER Michael Palin
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PRINCE HERBERT Terry Jones
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GUARD #1 Eric Idle
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GUARD #2 Graham Chapman
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CONCORDE Eric Idle
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GUEST #1 Michael Palin
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GUEST #2 Michael Palin
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OLD CRONE Bee Duffell
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ROGER THE SHRUBBER Eric Idle
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RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG himself
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BORS Terry Gilliam
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BROTHER MAYNARD Eric Idle
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SECOND BROTHER Michael Palin
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ANIMATOR Terry Gilliam
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___________
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| Scene 1 |
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|___________|
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[wind]
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[clop clop clop]
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KING ARTHUR: Whoa there!
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[clop clop clop]
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SOLDIER #1: Halt! Who goes there?
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ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot.
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King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
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SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!
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ARTHUR: I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the
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length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my
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court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
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SOLDIER #1: What? Ridden on a horse?
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ARTHUR: Yes!
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SOLDIER #1: You're using coconuts!
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ARTHUR: What?
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SOLDIER #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em
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together.
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ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land,
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through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
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SOLDIER #1: Where'd you get the coconuts?
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ARTHUR: We found them.
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SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
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ARTHUR: What do you mean?
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SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
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ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the
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plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to
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our land?
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SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
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ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried.
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SOLDIER #1: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
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ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
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SOLDIER #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question
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of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
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ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur
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from the Court of Camelot is here.
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SOLDIER #1: Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs
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to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
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ARTHUR: Please!
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SOLDIER #1: Am I right?
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ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
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SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
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SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow.
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That's my point.
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SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
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ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
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SOLDIER #1: But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
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SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah...
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SOLDIER #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
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[clop clop clop]
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SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
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SOLDIER #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
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SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
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SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
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SOLDIER #2: Well, why not?
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___________
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| Scene 2 |
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|___________|
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[thud]
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[clang]
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CART-MASTER: Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[cough cough...]
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[clang]
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[...cough cough]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead! Ninepence.
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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[clang]
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Bring out...
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[rewr!]
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...your dead!
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[rewr!]
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[clang]
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Bring out your dead!
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CUSTOMER: Here's one.
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CART-MASTER: Ninepence.
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DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
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CART-MASTER: What?
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CUSTOMER: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
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DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
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CART-MASTER: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!
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CUSTOMER: Yes he is.
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DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
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CART-MASTER: He isn't?
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CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
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DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
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CUSTOMER: No you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
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CART-MASTER: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
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DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go on the cart!
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CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
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CART-MASTER: I can't take him.
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DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
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CUSTOMER: Well, do us a favor.
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CART-MASTER: I can't.
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CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
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CART-MASTER: No, I've got to go to the Robinson's. They've lost nine today.
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CUSTOMER: Well, when's your next round?
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CART-MASTER: Thursday.
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DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
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CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, isn't there something
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you can do?
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DEAD PERSON: [singing] I feel happy... I feel happy.
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[whop]
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CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
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CART-MASTER: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
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CUSTOMER: Right. All right.
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[howl]
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[clop clop clop]
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Who's that then?
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CART-MASTER: I dunno. Must be a king.
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CUSTOMER: Why?
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CART-MASTER: He hasn't got shit all over him.
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___________
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| Scene 3 |
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|___________|
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[thud]
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[King Arthur music]
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[thud thud thud]
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[King Arthur music stops]
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ARTHUR: Old woman!
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DENNIS: Man!
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ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
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DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.
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ARTHUR: I-- what?
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DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
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ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
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DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
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ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
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DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
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ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you
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looked--
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DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
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ARTHUR: Well, I am king!
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DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting
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the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates
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the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going
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to be any progress with the--
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WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
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ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's
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castle is that?
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WOMAN: King of the who?
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ARTHUR: The Britons.
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WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
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ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.
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WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
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collective.
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DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-
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perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
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WOMAN: Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.
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DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
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ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
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WOMAN: No one live there.
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ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
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WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
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ARTHUR: What?
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DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in
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turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
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ARTHUR: Yes.
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DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special
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bi-weekly meeting--
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ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
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DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
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ARTHUR: Be quiet!
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DENNIS: But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
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ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
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WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
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ARTHUR: I am your king!
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WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
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ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
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WOMAN: Well, how did you become king then?
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ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,...
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[angels sing]
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...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from
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the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was
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to carry Excalibur.
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[singing stops]
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That is why I am your king!
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DENNIS: Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis
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for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate
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from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
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ARTHUR: Be quiet!
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DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just
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'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
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ARTHUR: Shut up!
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DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some
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moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
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ARTHUR: Shut up, will you. Shut up!
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DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
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ARTHUR: Shut up!
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DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help!
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I'm being repressed!
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ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
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DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh?
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That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it,
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didn't you?
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___________
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| Scene 4 |
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|___________|
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[King Arthur music]
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[music stops]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!
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[King Arthur music]
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[music stops]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Aaagh!
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GREEN KNIGHT: Ooh!
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[King Arthur music]
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[music stops]
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[stab]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Aagh!
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GREEN KNIGHT: Oh!
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[King Arthur music]
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Ooh!
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[music stops]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Aaaagh!
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[clang]
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BLACK KNIGHT and GREEN KNIGHT: Agh!, oh!, etc.
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GREEN KNIGHT: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!
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[woosh]
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[BLACK KNIGHT kills GREEN KNIGHT]
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[thud]
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[scrape]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Umm!
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[clop clop clop]
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ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
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[pause]
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I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
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[pause]
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I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my
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court at Camelot.
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[pause]
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You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
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[pause]
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You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
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BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
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ARTHUR: What?
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BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
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ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this
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bridge.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
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ARTHUR: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
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BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
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ARTHUR: So be it!
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ARTHUR and BLACK KNIGHT: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.
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[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
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ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
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BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
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ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
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BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
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ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
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BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
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ARTHUR: You liar!
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BLACK KNIGHT: Come on, you pansy!
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[clang]
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Huyah!
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[clang]
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Hiyaah!
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[clang]
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Aaaaaaaah!
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[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
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ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
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[kneeling]
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We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--
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BLACK KNIGHT: Hah!
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[clunk]
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Come on then.
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ARTHUR: What?
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BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
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[kick]
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ARTHUR: Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
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ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
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ARTHUR: Look!
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BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
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[kick]
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ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken!
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[kick]
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Chickennn!
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ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg.
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[kick]
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Right!
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[whop]
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[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right leg off]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Right. I'll do you for that!
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ARTHUR: You'll what?
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BLACK KNIGHT: Come here!
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ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
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BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
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ARTHUR: You're a looney.
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BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
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[whop]
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[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's last leg off]
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BLACK KNIGHT: Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw.
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ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
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BLACK KNIGHT: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come
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back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
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___________
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| Scene 5 |
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|___________|
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MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
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[bonk]
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Pie Iesu domine,...
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[bonk]
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...dona eis requiem.
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[bonk]
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Pie Iesu domine,...
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[bonk]
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...dona eis requiem.
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CROWD: A witch! A witch!
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[bonk]
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A witch! A witch!
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MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine...
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CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch!
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A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn
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her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A
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witch! A witch! A witch!
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VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch. May we burn her?
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CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!
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BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
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VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
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CROWD: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
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BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
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WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
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BEDEVERE: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
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WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
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CROWD: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
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WITCH: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
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BEDEVERE: Well?
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VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
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BEDEVERE: The nose?
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VILLAGER #1: And the hat, but she is a witch!
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VILLAGER #2: Yeah!
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CROWD: We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
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BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this?
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VILLAGER #1: No!
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VILLAGER #2 and 3: No. No.
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VILLAGER #2: No.
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VILLAGER #1: No.
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VILLAGERS #2 and #3: No.
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VILLAGER #1: Yes.
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VILLAGER #2: Yes.
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VILLAGER #1: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
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VILLAGER #3: A bit.
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VILLAGERS #1 and #2: A bit.
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VILLAGER #3: A bit.
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VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
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RANDOM: [cough]
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BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
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VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
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BEDEVERE: A newt?
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VILLAGER #3: I got better.
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VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
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VILLAGER #1: Burn!
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CROWD: Burn her! Burn! Burn her!...
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|
BEDEVERE: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
|
|
she is a witch.
|
|
VILLAGER #1: Are there?
|
|
VILLAGER #2: Ah?
|
|
VILLAGER #1: What are they?
|
|
CROWD: Tell us! Tell us!...
|
|
BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
|
|
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
|
|
VILLAGER #1: Burn!
|
|
CROWD: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
|
|
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
|
|
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
|
|
VILLAGER #3: Shh!
|
|
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
|
|
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
|
|
[pause]
|
|
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
|
|
BEDEVERE: Good! Heh heh.
|
|
CROWD: Oh yeah. Oh.
|
|
BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
|
|
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
|
|
VILLAGER #1: Oh, yeah.
|
|
RANDOM: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
|
|
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
|
|
VILLAGER #1: No. No.
|
|
VILLAGER #2: No, it floats! It floats!
|
|
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
|
|
CROWD: The pond! Throw her into the pond!
|
|
BEDEVERE: What also floats in water?
|
|
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
|
|
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
|
|
VILLAGER #3: Uh, very small rocks!
|
|
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
|
|
VILLAGER #2: Uh, gra-- gravy!
|
|
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
|
|
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
|
|
VILLAGER #3: Churches! Churches!
|
|
VILLAGER #2: Lead! Lead!
|
|
ARTHUR: A duck!
|
|
CROWD: Oooh.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Exactly. So, logically...
|
|
VILLAGER #1: If... she... weighs... the same as a duck,... she's made of wood.
|
|
BEDEVERE: And therefore?
|
|
VILLAGER #2: A witch!
|
|
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
|
|
CROWD: A witch! A witch!...
|
|
VILLAGER #4: Here is a duck. Use this duck.
|
|
[quack quack quack]
|
|
BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales.
|
|
CROWD: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her!
|
|
Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! Ahh...
|
|
BEDEVERE: Right. Remove the supports!
|
|
[whop]
|
|
[clunk]
|
|
[creak]
|
|
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch!
|
|
WITCH: It's a fair cop.
|
|
VILLAGER #3: Burn her!
|
|
CROWD: Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!...
|
|
BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
|
|
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
|
|
BEDEVERE: My liege!
|
|
ARTHUR: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the
|
|
Round Table?
|
|
BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.
|
|
ARTHUR: What is your name?
|
|
BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my liege.
|
|
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.
|
|
|
|
|
|
_______________________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Narrative Interlude |
|
|
|_______________________|
|
|
|
|
NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights,
|
|
but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Lancelot the Brave;
|
|
Sir Gallahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot,
|
|
who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the
|
|
vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the
|
|
Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.
|
|
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold
|
|
throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Round Table.
|
|
|
|
|
|
___________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 6 |
|
|
|___________|
|
|
|
|
[clop clop clop]
|
|
SIR BEDEVERE: And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-
|
|
shaped.
|
|
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's
|
|
bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.
|
|
SIR LAUNCELOT: Look, my liege!
|
|
[trumpets]
|
|
ARTHUR: Camelot!
|
|
SIR GALAHAD: Camelot!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Camelot!
|
|
PATSY: It's only a model.
|
|
ARTHUR: Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride...
|
|
to... Camelot!
|
|
[in medieval hall]
|
|
KNIGHTS: [singing]
|
|
We're knights of the round table.
|
|
We dance when e'er we're able.
|
|
We do routines and chorus scenes
|
|
With footwork impeccable.
|
|
We dine well here in Camelot.
|
|
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.
|
|
|
|
[dancing]
|
|
We're knights of the Round Table.
|
|
Our shows are formidable,
|
|
But many times we're given rhymes
|
|
That are quite unsingable.
|
|
We're opera mad in Camelot.
|
|
We sing from the diaphragm a lot.
|
|
|
|
[in dungeon]
|
|
PRISONER: [clap clap clap clap]
|
|
[in medieval hall]
|
|
KNIGHTS: [tap-dancing]
|
|
In war we're tough and able,
|
|
Quite indefatigable.
|
|
Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable.
|
|
It's a busy life in Camelot.
|
|
MAN: I have to push the pram a lot.
|
|
|
|
[outdoors]
|
|
ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly
|
|
place.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Right. Right.
|
|
|
|
|
|
___________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 7 |
|
|
|___________|
|
|
|
|
[clop clop clop]
|
|
[boom boom]
|
|
[angels sing]
|
|
GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel!
|
|
[singing stops]
|
|
One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
|
|
ARTHUR: Sorry.
|
|
[boom]
|
|
GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry
|
|
this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.
|
|
[boom]
|
|
What are you doing now?!
|
|
ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.
|
|
GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms-- they're so depressing.
|
|
Now knock it off!
|
|
ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
|
|
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table
|
|
shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
|
|
ARTHUR: Good idea, O Lord!
|
|
GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold!
|
|
[angels sing]
|
|
Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred
|
|
task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, Arthur... the quest for the
|
|
Holy Grail.
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[singing stops]
|
|
LAUNCELOT: A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!
|
|
GALAHAD: God be praised!
|
|
|
|
|
|
___________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 8 |
|
|
|___________|
|
|
|
|
[King Arthur music]
|
|
[clop clop clop]
|
|
ARTHUR: Halt!
|
|
[horn]
|
|
Hallo!
|
|
[pause]
|
|
Hallo!
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet?
|
|
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Who's
|
|
castle is this?
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard.
|
|
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
|
|
quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in
|
|
our quest for the Holy Grail.
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh,
|
|
he's already got one, you see?
|
|
ARTHUR: What?
|
|
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
|
|
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.)
|
|
ARTHUR: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look?
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
|
|
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
|
|
silly king-a?!
|
|
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Mind your own business!
|
|
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
|
|
bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur
|
|
King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt!
|
|
Thppt!
|
|
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
|
|
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food
|
|
trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster
|
|
and your father smelt of elderberries!
|
|
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
|
|
[sniff]
|
|
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.)
|
|
OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi?
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!)
|
|
[mooo]
|
|
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
|
|
[twong]
|
|
[mooooooo]
|
|
Jesus Christ!
|
|
KNIGHTS: Christ!
|
|
[thud]
|
|
Ah! Ohh!
|
|
ARTHUR: Right! Charge!
|
|
KNIGHTS: Charge!
|
|
[mayhem]
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.
|
|
[mayhem]
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: And this one's for your dad!
|
|
ARTHUR: Run away!
|
|
KNIGHTS: Run away!
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Thppppt!
|
|
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
|
|
ARTHUR: No, no. No, no.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
|
|
|
|
[later]
|
|
|
|
[wind]
|
|
[saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
|
|
[clunk]
|
|
[bang]
|
|
[rewr!]
|
|
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak]
|
|
[rrrr rrrr rrrr]
|
|
[drilllll]
|
|
[sawwwww]
|
|
[clunk]
|
|
[crash]
|
|
[clang]
|
|
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
|
|
[creak]
|
|
FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau.
|
|
What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh.
|
|
On y va. Bon magne. Over here...
|
|
[squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]
|
|
[clllank]
|
|
ARTHUR: What happens now?
|
|
BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall,
|
|
and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not
|
|
only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
|
|
ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
|
|
BEDEVERE: U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit,
|
|
uh, and uh...
|
|
ARTHUR: Ohh.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger--
|
|
[clank]
|
|
[twong]
|
|
ARTHUR: Run away!
|
|
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
|
|
Run away!
|
|
[CRASH]
|
|
FRENCH GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
|
|
|
|
|
|
___________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 9 |
|
|
|___________|
|
|
|
|
[clack]
|
|
VOICE: Picture for Schools, take eight.
|
|
DIRECTOR: Action!
|
|
HISTORIAN: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King
|
|
Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by
|
|
surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if
|
|
the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion.
|
|
Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should
|
|
separate, and search for the Grail individually.
|
|
[clop clop clop]
|
|
Now, this is what they did: Launcelot--
|
|
KNIGHT: Aaaah!
|
|
[slash]
|
|
[KNIGHT kills HISTORIAN]
|
|
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Frank!
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 10 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
[trumpets]
|
|
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin. So each of the knights went their separate
|
|
ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied
|
|
by his favorite minstrels.
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
|
|
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
|
|
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
|
|
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
|
|
|
|
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
|
|
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
|
|
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
|
|
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
|
|
|
|
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
|
|
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
|
|
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off,
|
|
And his pen--
|
|
SIR ROBIN: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh.
|
|
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
|
|
DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
|
|
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.
|
|
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
|
|
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody really, I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just um,
|
|
just passing through.
|
|
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] To fight and--
|
|
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing, nothing really. I, uh, j-- j-- just--
|
|
just to um, just to p-- pass through, good Sir Knight.
|
|
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
|
|
ROBIN: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of the Round Table.
|
|
ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
|
|
ROBIN: I am.
|
|
LEFT HEAD: In that case I shall have to kill you.
|
|
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
|
|
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.
|
|
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
|
|
LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
|
|
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, let's be nice to him.
|
|
LEFT HEAD: Oh shut up.
|
|
ROBIN: Perhaps I could--
|
|
LEFT HEAD: And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head
|
|
off!
|
|
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
|
|
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favor!
|
|
LEFT HEAD: What?
|
|
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
|
|
MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
|
|
LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
|
|
MIDDLE HEAD: You snore!
|
|
LEFT HEAD: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
|
|
MIDDLE HEAD: Well it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
|
|
RIGHT HEAD: Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
|
|
LEFT HEAD: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and
|
|
then have tea and biscuits.
|
|
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
|
|
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, not biscuits.
|
|
LEFT HEAD: All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.
|
|
ALL HEADS: Right!
|
|
MIDDLE HEAD: He buggered off.
|
|
RIGHT HEAD: So he has. He's scarpered.
|
|
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away.
|
|
ROBIN: No!
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] Bravely ran away away.
|
|
ROBIN: I didn't!
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his
|
|
tail and fled.
|
|
ROBIN: No!
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
|
|
ROBIN: I didn't!
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] And gallantly he chickened out, bravely taking to his
|
|
feet.
|
|
ROBIN: I never did!
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat.
|
|
ROBIN: All lies!
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.
|
|
ROBIN: I never!
|
|
|
|
|
|
___________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Cartoon |
|
|
|___________|
|
|
|
|
CARTOON MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Heh heh heeh ooh...
|
|
[twang]
|
|
CARTOON MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine,...
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTERS: Wayy!
|
|
[splash]
|
|
Ho ho. Woa, wayy!
|
|
[twang]
|
|
[splash]
|
|
Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh!
|
|
CARTOON MONKS: [chanting] ...dona eis requiem.
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Wayy!
|
|
[twang]
|
|
Wayy!
|
|
[twang]
|
|
VOICE: [whispering] Forgive me for asking.
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh! Oooo.
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 11 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
[trumpets]
|
|
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad.
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[wind]
|
|
[howl]
|
|
[howl]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[angels singing]
|
|
[howl]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[howl]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[pound pound pound]
|
|
GALAHAD: Open the door!
|
|
Open the door!
|
|
[pound pound pound]
|
|
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
|
|
[squeak]
|
|
[thump]
|
|
[squeak]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
GIRLS: Hello!
|
|
ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
|
|
GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
|
|
ZOOT: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh, but we are nice and we
|
|
will attend to your every, every need!
|
|
GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
|
|
ZOOT: The what?
|
|
GALAHAD: The Grail. It is here.
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
|
|
MIDGET and CRAPPER: Yes, O Zoot?
|
|
ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
|
|
MIDGET and CRAPPER: Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank
|
|
you! Thank you!...
|
|
ZOOT: Away, away varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very
|
|
big.
|
|
GALAHAD: Well, look, I-- I-- uh--
|
|
ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
|
|
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
|
|
ZOOT: Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. Oh, but come.
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
|
|
GALAHAD: No, look. I have seen it! It is here, in this--
|
|
ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
|
|
hospitality.
|
|
GALAHAD: Well, I-- I-- uh--
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to
|
|
yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
|
|
sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to
|
|
protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing,
|
|
making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights.
|
|
Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
|
|
GALAHAD: No, no-- it's-- it's nothing.
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
|
|
[clap clap]
|
|
PIGLET: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
|
|
GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
|
|
ZOOT: Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes.
|
|
GALAHAD: B-- but--
|
|
ZOOT: Oh, come, come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston!
|
|
Practice your art.
|
|
WINSTON: Try to relax.
|
|
GALAHAD: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
|
|
PIGLET: We must examine you.
|
|
GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
|
|
PIGLET: Please. We are doctors.
|
|
GALAHAD: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.
|
|
PIGLET: Back to your bed! At once!
|
|
GALAHAD: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!
|
|
PIGLET: There's no grail here.
|
|
GALAHAD: I have seen it! I have seen it!
|
|
[clank]
|
|
I have seen--
|
|
GIRLS: Hello.
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh.
|
|
GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
|
|
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
|
|
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
|
|
GALAHAD: Zoot!
|
|
DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
|
|
DINGO: Where are you going?
|
|
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
|
|
DINGO: Oh no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
|
|
GALAHAD: Well, what is it?
|
|
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our
|
|
beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first
|
|
time we've had this problem.
|
|
GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
|
|
DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay
|
|
the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so
|
|
worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better
|
|
than some of the previous scenes, I think.
|
|
LEFT HEAD: At least ours was better visually.
|
|
DENNIS: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy
|
|
jokes.
|
|
OLD MAN: Get on with it.
|
|
TIM THE ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it!
|
|
ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Yes, get on with it!
|
|
DINGO: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
|
|
GOD: Get on with it!
|
|
DINGO: [sigh] Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person, and
|
|
she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one
|
|
punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her
|
|
down on a bed and spank her.
|
|
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
|
|
DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal
|
|
with her as you like. And then, spank me.
|
|
AMAZING: And spank me.
|
|
STUNNER: And me.
|
|
LOVELY: And me.
|
|
DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
|
|
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
|
|
DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
|
|
GIRLS: The oral sex! The oral sex!
|
|
GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Sir Galahad!
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
|
|
GALAHAD: What?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Quick!
|
|
GALAHAD: Why?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: You are in great peril!
|
|
DINGO: No he isn't.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
|
|
GALAHAD: You know, she's got a point.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Come on! We will cover your escape!
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Come on!
|
|
GIRLS: Sir Galahad!
|
|
GALAHAD: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
|
|
DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
|
|
GIRLS: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No, Sir Galahad. Come on!
|
|
GALAHAD: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
|
|
DINGO: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
|
|
GIRLS: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No. Quick! Quick!
|
|
GALAHAD: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of
|
|
them!
|
|
DINGO: Yes, yes! He will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
|
|
GIRLS: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...
|
|
[boom]
|
|
DINGO: Oh, shit.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
|
|
GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Yes you were. You were in terrible peril.
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No. It's unhealthy.
|
|
GALAHAD: I bet you're gay.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No I'm not.
|
|
|
|
|
|
_______________________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Narrative Interlude |
|
|
|_______________________|
|
|
|
|
NARRATOR: Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation,
|
|
but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir
|
|
Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something.
|
|
Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more
|
|
than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut
|
|
on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--
|
|
CROWD: Get on with it!
|
|
NARRATOR: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with
|
|
some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which
|
|
there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 12 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
OLD MAN: Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha...
|
|
ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?
|
|
OLD MAN: ...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha...
|
|
ARTHUR: Where does he live?
|
|
OLD MAN: ...Heh heh heh heh...
|
|
ARTHUR: Old man, where does he live?
|
|
OLD MAN: ...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has
|
|
entered.
|
|
ARTHUR: And the Grail. The Grail is there?
|
|
OLD MAN: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal
|
|
Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
|
|
ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail?!
|
|
OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
|
|
ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
|
|
OLD MAN: Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha ha...
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 13 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
[spooky music]
|
|
[music stops]
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI: Ni!
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR: Who are you?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
|
|
RANDOM: Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Who are they?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Peng, and Neee-wom!
|
|
RANDOM: Neee-wom!
|
|
ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice!
|
|
ARTHUR: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who
|
|
lives beyond these woods.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Ni!
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
|
|
ARTHUR: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
|
|
ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
|
|
[dramatic chord]
|
|
ARTHUR: A what?
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR and PARTY: Ow! Oh!
|
|
ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass
|
|
through this wood alive!
|
|
ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
|
|
shrubbery.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
|
|
ARTHUR: Of course.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
|
|
ARTHUR: Yes.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Now... go!
|
|
|
|
|
|
___________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Cartoon |
|
|
|___________|
|
|
|
|
[trumpets]
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Hmm hmm--
|
|
[boom]
|
|
Oh! Great scott! Hm. Hmm.
|
|
[boom]
|
|
Hm! Hmm. [mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
Ohh!
|
|
[crash]
|
|
[mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
SUN: Ay, up! Thsss.
|
|
[boom]
|
|
Ayy, up!
|
|
[boom]
|
|
Thsss.
|
|
[boom]
|
|
Ayy, up!
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Stop that! Stop that!
|
|
[boom]
|
|
SUN: Ay, up!
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Stop that!
|
|
[boom]
|
|
Look on! Clear off! Go on! Go away! Go away! Go away! And you!
|
|
Clear off!
|
|
[sniff]
|
|
SUN: [mumble mumble mumble]
|
|
[bells]
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Hah. Bloody weather.
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 14 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
|
|
FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
|
|
PRINCE HERBERT: What, the curtains?
|
|
FATHER: No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over
|
|
the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.
|
|
HERBERT: But Mother--
|
|
FATHER: Father, lad. Father.
|
|
HERBERT: B-- b-- but Father, I don't want any of that.
|
|
FATHER: Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started
|
|
here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a
|
|
castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank
|
|
into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So
|
|
I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the
|
|
swamp. But the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get,
|
|
lad: the strongest castle in these islands.
|
|
HERBERT: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather--
|
|
FATHER: Rather what?!
|
|
HERBERT: I'd rather...
|
|
[music]
|
|
...just... sing!
|
|
FATHER: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here.
|
|
Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose
|
|
father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
|
|
HERBERT: B-- but I don't want land.
|
|
FATHER: Listen, Alice,--
|
|
HERBERT: Herbert.
|
|
FATHER: 'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
|
|
HERBERT: But-- but I don't like her.
|
|
FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's
|
|
rich. She's got huge... tracts o' land.
|
|
HERBERT: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have...
|
|
[music]
|
|
...a certain... special... something!
|
|
FATHER: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so
|
|
you'd better get used to the idea!
|
|
[smack]
|
|
Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get
|
|
him.
|
|
GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get him.
|
|
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
|
|
FATHER: No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Right.
|
|
GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the
|
|
room.
|
|
FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
|
|
GUARD #1: Leaving the room. Yes.
|
|
[sniff]
|
|
FATHER: All right?
|
|
GUARD #1: Right.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Right.
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, if-- if-- if-- uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--
|
|
FATHER: Yes? What is it?
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--
|
|
FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
|
|
GUARD #1: Uh...
|
|
FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All
|
|
right?
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Right.
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?
|
|
FATHER: N-- no no. No. You just keep him in here, and make sure he--
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to
|
|
leave and we were with him--
|
|
FATHER: No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here--
|
|
GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else--
|
|
FATHER: No, not anyone else. Just me.
|
|
GUARD #1: Just you.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Get back.
|
|
GUARD #1: Get back.
|
|
FATHER: All right?
|
|
GUARD #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: What?
|
|
FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: The Prince?
|
|
FATHER: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course.
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
GUARD #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me
|
|
havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
|
|
FATHER: Is that clear?
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.
|
|
FATHER: Right. Where are you going?
|
|
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
|
|
FATHER: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
|
|
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
|
|
HERBERT: But Father!
|
|
FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!
|
|
[music]
|
|
And no singing!
|
|
GUARD #2: Hic!
|
|
FATHER: Oh, go and get a glass of water.
|
|
[clank]
|
|
[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]
|
|
[twong]
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 15 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
|
|
CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one!
|
|
Uuh! Come on, Concorde!
|
|
[thwonk]
|
|
CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
|
|
[fwump]
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me! 'To whoever finds this note:
|
|
I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my
|
|
will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower
|
|
of Swamp Castle.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the
|
|
sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not
|
|
have died in vain!
|
|
CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
|
|
CONCORDE: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Oh, I see.
|
|
CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir--
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I
|
|
have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... [sigh]
|
|
CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Idiom!
|
|
CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
|
|
CONCORDE: I'll, um, I'll just stay here then. Shall I, sir? Yeah.
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 16 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
[inside castle]
|
|
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]
|
|
[outside castle]
|
|
GUEST: 'Morning!
|
|
SENTRY #1: 'Morning.
|
|
SENTRY #2: Oooh.
|
|
SENTRY #1: [ptoo]
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha! Hiyya!
|
|
SENTRY #2: Hey!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.
|
|
PRINCESS LUCKY and GIRLS: [giggle giggle giggle]
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha! Huy!
|
|
GUESTS: Uuh! Aaah!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya!
|
|
Hiyya! Ha!...
|
|
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
|
|
I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
|
|
HERBERT: You got my note!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.
|
|
HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--
|
|
HERBERT: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there...
|
|
[music]
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well, I--
|
|
HERBERT: ...there must be... someone...
|
|
FATHER: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
|
|
HERBERT: I'm your son!
|
|
FATHER: No, not you.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am Sir Launcelot, sir.
|
|
HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, Father.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
|
|
FATHER: Did you kill all those guards?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry.
|
|
FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.
|
|
HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot. I've got a rope all ready.
|
|
FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
|
|
FATHER: I can understand that.
|
|
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!
|
|
FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
|
|
FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
|
|
FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a
|
|
fortune!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from
|
|
Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
|
|
FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
|
|
HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
|
|
FATHER: Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country...
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Is it?
|
|
HERBERT: Hurry! I'm ready!
|
|
FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Well, that-- that's, uh, awfully nice of you,...
|
|
HERBERT: I am ready!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: ...um, I mean to be so understanding.
|
|
[thonk]
|
|
Um,...
|
|
[woosh]
|
|
HERBERT: Oooh!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh,
|
|
sort of carried away.
|
|
FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
|
|
HERBERT: Oooh!
|
|
[splat]
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 17 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
GUESTS: [crying]
|
|
FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked
|
|
through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
|
|
GUEST: There he is!
|
|
FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!
|
|
FATHER: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
|
|
Please!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm
|
|
really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.
|
|
GUEST #1: He's killed the best man!
|
|
GUESTS: [yelling]
|
|
FATHER: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the
|
|
Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest
|
|
here today.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Hello.
|
|
GUEST: He killed my auntie!
|
|
GUESTS: [yelling]
|
|
FATHER: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not
|
|
bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the
|
|
union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock.
|
|
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.
|
|
GUESTS: Oh! Oh no!
|
|
FATHER: But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained a
|
|
daughter!
|
|
[clap clap clap]
|
|
For, since the tragic death of her father--
|
|
GUEST #2: He's not quite dead!
|
|
FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
|
|
GUEST #2: He's getting better!
|
|
FATHER: For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover,
|
|
suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.
|
|
BRIDE'S FATHER: Uugh!
|
|
GUEST #2: Oh, he's died!
|
|
FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very
|
|
real, and legally binding sense.
|
|
[clap clap clap]
|
|
And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Princess and
|
|
the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot--
|
|
LAUNCELOT: What?
|
|
GUEST #2: Look! The dead Prince!
|
|
GUESTS: Oooh! The dead Prince!
|
|
CONCORDE: He's not quite dead.
|
|
HERBERT: No, I feel much better.
|
|
FATHER: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
|
|
HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
|
|
FATHER: How?!
|
|
HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you.
|
|
[music]
|
|
FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
|
|
FATHER: Shut uuup!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
|
|
FATHER: Shut up!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
|
|
FATHER: Shut up!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
|
|
FATHER: Not like that!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to
|
|
tell! He's going to tell!...
|
|
CONCORDE: Quickly, sir!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell!...
|
|
CONCORDE: Come this way!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell! He's going to tell!...
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No! It's not right for my idiom!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] He's going to tell about his great escape...
|
|
LAUNCELOT: I must escape more... [sigh]
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] Oh, he fell a long, long way...
|
|
CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Dramatically!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] But he's here with us today...
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Heee! Hoa!
|
|
[crash]
|
|
Hoo!
|
|
GUESTS: [singing] What a wonderful escape!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me a push, please?
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 18 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
[King Arthur music]
|
|
[clop clop clop]
|
|
[rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr! rewr!]
|
|
ARTHUR: Old crone!
|
|
[rewr!]
|
|
[music stops]
|
|
Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
|
|
[dramatic chord]
|
|
OLD CRONE: Who sent you?
|
|
ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
|
|
CRONE: Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
|
|
ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I
|
|
will say... we will say... 'ni'.
|
|
CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
|
|
ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... ni!
|
|
CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
|
|
ARTHUR: Ni!
|
|
CRONE: [cough]
|
|
BEDEVERE: Nu!
|
|
ARTHUR: No, no, no, no...
|
|
BEDEVERE: Nu!
|
|
ARTHUR: No, it's not that, it's 'ni'.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Nu!
|
|
ARTHUR: No, no-- 'ni'. You're not doing it properly. No.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR: That's it. That's it. You've got it.
|
|
ARTHUR and BEDEVERE: Ni!
|
|
CRONE: Ohh!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR: Ni!
|
|
CRONE: Agh!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR: Ni!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR: Ni!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Ni!
|
|
ROGER THE SHRUBBER: Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?
|
|
ARTHUR: Erm, yes.
|
|
ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'ni' at will
|
|
to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred.
|
|
Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable
|
|
economic stress at this period in history.
|
|
ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
|
|
ROGER: Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger
|
|
the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Ni!
|
|
ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 19 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
ARTHUR: O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But
|
|
there is one small problem.
|
|
ARTHUR: What is that?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Ni! Shh!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-
|
|
zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhiv'.
|
|
RANDOM: Ni!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
|
|
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said 'Ni'?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
|
|
[dramatic chord]
|
|
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
|
|
RANDOM: Ni!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here
|
|
beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect
|
|
with a little path running down the middle.
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh!
|
|
Shh!...
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
|
|
mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
|
|
[dramatic chord]
|
|
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
|
|
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
|
|
ARTHUR: What word?
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of
|
|
Ni cannot hear.
|
|
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: You said it again!
|
|
ARTHUR: What, 'is'?
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not 'is'.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.
|
|
BEDEVERE: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] Packing it in and packing it up,
|
|
And sneaking away and buggering up,
|
|
And chickening out and pissing off home,
|
|
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
|
|
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
|
|
ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Now he's said the word!
|
|
ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
|
|
MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--
|
|
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
|
|
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
|
|
ROBIN: Uh, here-- here in this forest.
|
|
ARTHUR: No, it is far from this place.
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
|
|
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: ...we cannot hear!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Ow! He said it again!
|
|
ARTHUR: Patsy!
|
|
HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it!
|
|
[clop clop clop]
|
|
Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
|
|
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
|
|
|
|
|
|
_______________________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Narrative Interlude |
|
|
|_______________________|
|
|
|
|
NARRATOR: And so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to
|
|
find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four.
|
|
Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
|
|
rejoicing.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Yay! Yay!
|
|
[woosh]
|
|
NARRATOR: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's
|
|
minstrels.
|
|
MINSTREL: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!
|
|
NARRATOR: And there was much rejoicing.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Yay!
|
|
NARRATOR: A year passed.
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: [shivering]
|
|
NARRATOR: Winter changed into Spring.
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Mmm, nice.
|
|
NARRATOR: Spring changed into Summer.
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh. Ahh.
|
|
NARRATOR: Summer changed back into Winter.
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Oh?
|
|
NARRATOR: And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into
|
|
Autumn.
|
|
CARTOON CHARACTER: Aah.
|
|
[snap]
|
|
Oh! Waa!
|
|
NARRATOR: Until one day...
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 20 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
[King Arthur music]
|
|
[clop clop clop]
|
|
[music stops]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
KNIGHTS: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.
|
|
ARTHUR: Knights! Forward!
|
|
[boom boom boom boom boom]
|
|
[squeak]
|
|
[boom boom boom boom]
|
|
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
|
|
TIM THE ENCHANTER: I... am an enchanter.
|
|
ARTHUR: By what name are you known?
|
|
TIM: There are some who call me... Tim?
|
|
ARTHUR: Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
|
|
TIM: Greetings, King Arthur!
|
|
ARTHUR: You know my name?
|
|
TIM: I do.
|
|
[zoosh]
|
|
You seek the Holy Grail!
|
|
ARTHUR: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
|
|
TIM: Quite.
|
|
[pweeng boom]
|
|
[clap clap clap]
|
|
ROBIN: Oh.
|
|
ARTHUR: Yes, we're-- we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find
|
|
the Holy Grail.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm.
|
|
ARTHUR: And so we're-- we're-- we're-- we're looking for it.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Yes, we are.
|
|
GALAHAD: Yeah.
|
|
ROBIN: We are. We are.
|
|
BEDEVERE: We have been for some time.
|
|
ROBIN: Ages.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Umhm.
|
|
ARTHUR: Uh-- uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh-- to help, would
|
|
be... very... helpful.
|
|
GALAHAD: Look, can you tell us where--
|
|
[boom]
|
|
ARTHUR: Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I
|
|
don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um-- find a,
|
|
uh-- a, um-- a, uh--
|
|
TIM: A what...?
|
|
ARTHUR: A g-- a-- a g-- a g-- a-- a g--
|
|
TIM: A grail?!
|
|
ARTHUR: Yes, I think so.
|
|
ROBIN: Y-- y-- yes.
|
|
ARTHUR: Yes.
|
|
GALAHAD: Yup.
|
|
KNIGHTS: That's it...
|
|
TIM: Yes!
|
|
ROBIN: Oh.
|
|
ARTHUR: Oh. Thank you.
|
|
ROBIN: Ahh.
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh. Fine.
|
|
ARTHUR: Thank you.
|
|
ROBIN: Splendid.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Aah...
|
|
[boom pweeng boom boom]
|
|
ARTHUR: Look, um, you're a busy man, uh--
|
|
TIM: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Oh, thank you. Oh...
|
|
TIM: To the north there lies a cave-- the cave of Caerbannog-- wherein, carved
|
|
in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere
|
|
of Rheged...
|
|
[boom]
|
|
...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
|
|
ARTHUR: Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
|
|
TIM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to
|
|
this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has
|
|
fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its
|
|
lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength,
|
|
come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
|
|
ARTHUR: What an eccentric performance.
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 21 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
[clop clop clop]
|
|
[whinny whinny]
|
|
GALAHAD: They're nervous, sire.
|
|
ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
|
|
TIM: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!
|
|
ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.
|
|
GALAHAD: What with?
|
|
ARTHUR: W-- just keep me covered.
|
|
TIM: Too late!
|
|
[dramatic chord]
|
|
ARTHUR: What?
|
|
TIM: There he is!
|
|
ARTHUR: Where?
|
|
TIM: There!
|
|
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
|
|
TIM: It is the rabbit!
|
|
ARTHUR: You silly sod!
|
|
TIM: What?
|
|
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up!
|
|
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
|
|
ARTHUR: Ohh.
|
|
TIM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes
|
|
on.
|
|
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
|
|
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer!
|
|
GALAHAD: Get stuffed!
|
|
TIM: He'll do you up a treat mate!
|
|
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah?
|
|
ROBIN: You mangy scots git!
|
|
TIM: I'm warning you!
|
|
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
|
|
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
|
|
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
|
|
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
|
|
TIM: Look!
|
|
[squeak]
|
|
BORS: Aaaugh!
|
|
[dramatic chord]
|
|
[clunk]
|
|
ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!
|
|
TIM: I warned you!
|
|
ROBIN: I done it again!
|
|
TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't
|
|
you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always
|
|
the same. I always tell them--
|
|
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
|
|
TIM: Do they listen to me?
|
|
ARTHUR: Right!
|
|
TIM: Oh, no...
|
|
KNIGHTS: Charge!
|
|
[squeak squeak squeak]
|
|
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
|
|
ARTHUR: Run away! Run away!
|
|
KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!...
|
|
TIM: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!
|
|
ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Gawain.
|
|
GALAHAD: Ector.
|
|
ARTHUR: And Bors. That's five.
|
|
GALAHAD: Three, sir.
|
|
ARTHUR: Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault.
|
|
That rabbit's dynamite.
|
|
ROBIN: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
|
|
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
|
|
GALAHAD: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
|
|
ARTHUR: Like what?
|
|
GALAHAD: Well... ooh.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Have we got bows?
|
|
ARTHUR: No.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
|
|
ARTHUR: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the
|
|
sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up
|
|
the Holy Hand Grenade!
|
|
MONKS: [chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona
|
|
eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis
|
|
requiem.
|
|
ARTHUR: How does it, um-- how does it work?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: I know not, my liege.
|
|
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments!
|
|
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, verses Nine to Twenty-one.
|
|
SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying,
|
|
'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine
|
|
enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people
|
|
did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans
|
|
and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--
|
|
MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.
|
|
SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the
|
|
Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt
|
|
be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be
|
|
three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting
|
|
that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number
|
|
three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand
|
|
Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall
|
|
snuff it.'
|
|
MAYNARD: Amen.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Amen.
|
|
ARTHUR: Right! One... two... five!
|
|
GALAHAD: Three, sir!
|
|
ARTHUR: Three!
|
|
[angels sing]
|
|
[boom]
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 22 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
ARTHUR: There! Look!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: What does it say?
|
|
GALAHAD: What language is that?
|
|
ARTHUR: Brother Maynard! You are a scholar.
|
|
MAYNARD: It's Aramaic!
|
|
GALAHAD: Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: 'Course!
|
|
ARTHUR: What does it say?
|
|
MAYNARD: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea.
|
|
He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle
|
|
of uuggggggh'.
|
|
ARTHUR: What?
|
|
MAYNARD: '... the Castle of uuggggggh'.
|
|
BEDEVERE: What is that?
|
|
MAYNARD: He must have died while carving it.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Oh, come on!
|
|
MAYNARD: Well, that's what it says.
|
|
ARTHUR: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaggggh'. He'd
|
|
just say it!
|
|
MAYNARD: Well, that's what's carved in the rock!
|
|
GALAHAD: Perhaps he was dictating.
|
|
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
|
|
MAYNARD: No. Just, 'uuggggggh'.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Aauuggghhh.
|
|
ARTHUR: Aaauggh.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?
|
|
GALAHAD: Where's that?
|
|
BEDEVERE: France, I think.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
|
|
ARTHUR: No, that's Saint Ives.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
|
|
KNIGHTS: Iiiiives.
|
|
BEDEVERE: Oooohoohohooo!
|
|
LAUNCELOT: No, no. 'Aauuuuugh', at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.
|
|
BEDEVERE: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
|
|
ARTHUR: Oooh!
|
|
GALAHAD: My God!
|
|
[dramatic chord]
|
|
[roar]
|
|
MAYNARD: It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaauugh!
|
|
[Black Beast of Aaauugh eats BROTHER MAYNARD]
|
|
BEDEVERE: That's it! That's it!
|
|
ARTHUR: Run away!
|
|
KNIGHTS: Run away!
|
|
[roar]
|
|
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
|
|
[roar]
|
|
Keep running!
|
|
[boom]
|
|
[roar]
|
|
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
|
|
BEDEVERE: We've lost him.
|
|
[roar]
|
|
KNIGHTS: Aagh!
|
|
NARRATOR: As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and
|
|
his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal
|
|
heart attack.
|
|
ANIMATOR: Ulk!
|
|
[thump]
|
|
NARRATOR: The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Grail could
|
|
continue.
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 23 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
[gurgle]
|
|
GALAHAD: There it is!
|
|
ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death!
|
|
ROBIN: Oh, great.
|
|
ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four!
|
|
BEDEVERE: What is he doing here?
|
|
ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five
|
|
questions--
|
|
GALAHAD: Three questions.
|
|
ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
|
|
GALAHAD: Three questions.
|
|
ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety.
|
|
ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?
|
|
ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
|
|
ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.
|
|
GALAHAD: Who's going to answer the questions?
|
|
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
|
|
ROBIN: Yes?
|
|
ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.
|
|
ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall
|
|
make a feint to the north-east that s--
|
|
ARTHUR: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five
|
|
questions--
|
|
GALAHAD: Three questions.
|
|
ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege.
|
|
ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these
|
|
questions three, ere the other side he see.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your name?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite color?
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Blue.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go.
|
|
LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
|
|
ROBIN: That's easy!
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these
|
|
questions three, ere the other side he see.
|
|
ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your name?
|
|
ROBIN: Sir Robin of Camelot.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
|
|
ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the capital of Assyria?
|
|
ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What is your name?
|
|
GALAHAD: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
|
|
GALAHAD: I seek the Grail.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your favorite color?
|
|
GALAHAD: Blue. No yel-- auuuuuuuugh!
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What is your name?
|
|
ARTHUR: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is your quest?
|
|
ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail.
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
|
|
ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
|
|
BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
|
|
BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows?
|
|
ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
|
|
[suspenseful music]
|
|
[music suddenly stops]
|
|
[intermission]
|
|
[suspenseful music resumes]
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________
|
|
| |
|
|
| Scene 24 |
|
|
|____________|
|
|
|
|
ARTHUR: Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Launcelot! Launcelot!
|
|
ARTHUR: Launcelot!
|
|
[police radio]
|
|
Launcelot!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Launcelot! Launcelot!
|
|
[angels sing]
|
|
[singing stops]
|
|
[ethereal music]
|
|
ARTHUR: The Castle Aaaagh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty
|
|
God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy--
|
|
[twong]
|
|
[baaaa]
|
|
Jesus Christ!
|
|
[thud]
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Allo, dappy English k-niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has
|
|
the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second
|
|
time!
|
|
ARTHUR: How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in
|
|
the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred
|
|
castle, to which God Himself has guided us!
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in
|
|
your direction', sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-
|
|
clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about advancing
|
|
behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of
|
|
second hand electric donkey-bottom biters.
|
|
ARTHUR: In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: No chance, English bed-wetting types. I burst my pimples at you
|
|
and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers
|
|
of other people's bottoms!
|
|
ARTHUR: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
|
|
[splat]
|
|
In the name of God and the glory of our--
|
|
[splat]
|
|
FRENCH GUARDS: [laughing]
|
|
ARTHUR: Agh. Right! That settles it!
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more
|
|
or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your
|
|
testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!
|
|
ARTHUR: Walk away. Just ignore them.
|
|
FRENCH GUARD: And now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if
|
|
you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet,
|
|
dappy English k-nnniggets! Thpppt!
|
|
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting]
|
|
ARTHUR: We shall attack at once!
|
|
BEDEVERE: Yes, my liege!
|
|
ARTHUR: Stand by for attack!
|
|
[exciting music]
|
|
[music stops]
|
|
[silence]
|
|
French persons!
|
|
FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting] ...Dappy!...
|
|
ARTHUR: Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the
|
|
name of God,...
|
|
FRENCH GUARDS: Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!...
|
|
ARTHUR: ...we shall not stop our fight 'til each one of you lies dead, and the
|
|
Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!
|
|
FRENCH GUARDS: ...Ha ha ha!...
|
|
ARTHUR: Charge!
|
|
ARMY OF KNIGHTS: Hooray!
|
|
[police siren]
|
|
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.
|
|
INSPECTOR: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.
|
|
OFFICER #1: All right. Come on. Back.
|
|
HISTORIAN'S WIFE: Get that one.
|
|
OFFICER #1: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
|
|
INSPECTOR: Put this man in the van.
|
|
OFFICER #1: Clear off. Come on.
|
|
BEDEVERE: With whom?
|
|
INSPECTOR: Which one?
|
|
OFFICER #1: Oh-- this one.
|
|
INSPECTOR: Come on. Put him in the van.
|
|
OFFICER #2: Get a blanket.
|
|
OFFICER #1: We have no hospital.
|
|
RANDOM: Ahh.
|
|
[squeak]
|
|
RANDOM: Ooh.
|
|
OFFICER #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
|
|
OFFICER #2: Run along! Run along!
|
|
OFFICER #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
|
|
OFFICER #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
|
|
INSPECTOR: Everything?
|
|
[squeak]
|
|
OFFICER #1: All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.
|
|
[crash]
|
|
CAMERAMAN: Christ!
|
|
|
|
___________
|
|
| |
|
|
| THE END |
|
|
|___________|
|