textfiles/media/SCRIPTS/ba-quote.txt

Black Adder Quotes list

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[ BlackAdder Series 1 ]

Black Adder (Edmund BA is the son of King Richard III). 1983

1. The Foretelling

EB    : Edmund Blackadder, Duke of Edinburgh (Rowan Atkinson)
B     : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
KRIII : King Richard III (Peter Cook)
KRIV  : King Richard IV (Brian Blessed)

Edmund accidentally kills King Richard III, making his father the king
while he hides Henry Tudor in his room.

o  KRIII: "A horrrse!  A horrrse!  My kingdom...for a horrrse!"

o  "Oooh dear, Richard the Third..." 
       - Baldrick, discovering who it is that EB has just beheaded.
    
o  EB: "Ohhhh, I see.  Sorry, sorry, I thought you meant had I killed King 
        Richard!"

o  KRIV: "This day has been as 't'were -- a mighty stew in which the beef of 
          victory was mixed with the vile turnip of sweet Richard slain, and
          the grisly dumpling of his killer fled.  But we must eat the
          yellow wobbly parts the good Lord serves.  In life each man gets
          what he deserves....  Well, come on, let's go kill some more
          prisoners."

o  EB: "...Or, as I shall be known from now on...The Black Vegetable!"
   B : "My lord, wouldn't something like 'The Black Adder' sound better?"

o  EB: "History, here I come!"

o   Henry Tudor(from behind curtain): "BAAA"
    Queen:  "Oh Edmund, its the lying I find so hurtful."
    EB:  "BAAAA"
       - While queen is searching Adder's room for 'female' company, after
         asking if any sheep were in there and EB denying it.

2. The Queen of Spain's Beard

EB    : Edmund Blackadder, Duke of Edinburgh (Rowan Atkinson)
B     : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
KRIV  : King Richard IV (Brian Blessed)
H     : Harry, Prince of Wales (Robert East)

In order to prevent war with Spain, Edmund must marry a Spanish 
princess.

o  EB: "So what you're saying, Percy, is that something you have never seen
        is only slightly less blue than something else that you have never
        seen."

o  KRIV: "What's that for?"
   H   : "Well, a couple of things."
   KRIV: "Correct!  And one of those things is...?"
   H   : "Best not mentioned, really."
   KRIV: "Right!  And the other is fornication.  And without fornication
          there is no marriage, and without marriage there is no diplomacy!"

o  B:  "Seethe, seethe, seethe.  If he goes on much longer, he'll turn into
        a seethe."

3. The Archbishop

EB    : Edmund Blackadder, Playing Archbishop of Canterbury (Rowan Atkinson)
B     : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
KRIV  : King Richard IV (Brian Blessed)
H     : Harry, Prince of Wales (Robert East)
P     : Percy, Bishop of Ramsgate (Tim McInnerny)

Edmund is made Archbishop, which hasn't been a very safe office to hold,
especially when the King doesn't agree with the Church.

o  EB: "Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?"
   B:  "Yeah, it was Jane Smart.  You know, she was the one who told me about
        the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt." 

o  KRIV: "Ohhh, God save us!"

o  KRIV: "I said, 'Who will rid me of this troublesome priest?'"

o  P: "Baldrick, you stand amazed."(holding a bone from a finger of Christ) 
   B: "I am!  I thought they only came in boxes of ten!" 

o  EB: "Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?"
   B : "I dunno, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do 
        to each other."


4. Born To Be King

KRIV  : King Richard IV (Brian Blessed)
B     : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
P     : Percy, Duke of Northumberland (Tim McInnerny)

With Richard off to the crusades, Edmund comes across evidence that casts
doubt on Prince Harry's stature as next in line to the throne.

o  KRIV: "As the good Lord says, love thy fellow man as you love yourself, unless
          they are Turks, then kill the bastards".

o   EB: "Percy, have you ever wondered what your insides looked like?"
    Percy: "Sometimes My Lord, yes."
    EB: "Then I'd be perfectly willing to satisfy your curiosity."
       - EB, wielding dagger, to Percy who is being his usual moronic self, 
         
o  B: "I have a cunning plan, my lord."

o  P: "The King is probably dead!  Long live the King!"

o    "Father, Father, come quickly.... there seems to have been a horrible
     accident."
       - BA to the king, concerning a cannon and Angus McAngus' head

5. Witchsmeller Pursuivant

EB    : Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
B     : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
KRIV  : King Richard IV (Brian Blessed)
H     : Harry, Prince of Wales (Robert East)
P     : Percy, Bishop of Ramsgate (Tim McInnerny)
WS    : WitchSmeller (Peter Cook)

Edmund gets accused of being a witch by a witchsmeller.

o  P: "If the Devil likes carrots, why isn't it mentioned in the Bible, then? 
       Umm, why doesn't it say, 'Aaand...and he took the Lord up to the top 
       of a high mountain and offered him a carrot'?"

o  B: "Wait a moment, my lord!  I have a cunning plan that cannot fail!"

o   EB: "Trial by water ?"
    WS: "No, trial by axe ?"
    EB: "By, er axe."
    WS: "Yes, by axe.  The accused head is placed on a choping block with an 
         axe aimed at it.  If the axe bounces off, the accused is guilty and 
         is burnt at the stake."
    EB: "And if he is innocent?"
    WS: "The axe simply CUTS HIS HEAD OFF !"
    EB: "How very fair!"

o Peasants: "Who is that dark stranger", "That'll be prince Edmund"
       - BA1 ( after Edmund disguises himself with a piece of string so no  
         one with a grudge will give him the plague )

6. The Black Seal

EB    : Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
B     : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
KRIV  : King Richard IV (Brian Blessed)
H     : Harry, Prince of Wales (Robert East)
P     : Percy, Duke of Notherumberland (Tim McInnerny)

With the help of the "six most dangerous men in England", Edmund attempts
to take over the throne.

o  KRIV: "I have two sons:  Harry and...Another One."

o  B and P:  "Don't drink the wine!!!!!"



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[ BlackAdder Series 2 ]

Black Adder II (Edmund BA is a Lord in Queens Elizabeth's court.) 1986

1. Bells

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Kate : Kate called Bob (Gabrielle Glaister)
LF   : Lord FlashHeart (Rik Mayall)
Q    : Queeny
N    : Nursey
KF   : Kate's Father
Hag  : Old Hag

Edmund falls in love with his new man-servant, who is really a girl in
disguise. Lord Flashheart turns up to spoil the wedding.

o  EB : "What is your name, boy ?"
   Boy: "Kate."
   EB : "Kate, that's an unusual name for a boy."
   Boy: "It's short for um,... Bob."
       
o  LF(about Kate): "She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the
                    taste of a man's tonsils."

o  EB: "Bangs like a privvy door when the plague's in town."
      
o  B : "But I've been in your service since I was two and a half!"
   EB: "Well, that must be why I'm so utterly sick of the sight of you!"

o  Kate: "What think you, my lord, of love?"
   EB  : "You mean rumpy-pumpy?"

o  EB: "Here is a pouch of money, which I'm not going to give to you."
       - to Old Hag

o  B: "Don't worry, Bob.  He used to try and kill me, too."

o  EB: "For as we all know, God made man in his own image.  It'd be a sad   
        lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything  
        like you, Baldrick."

o  LF:  (to Baldrick)  "Thanks, bridesmaid!  Like the beard!  Gives me      
         something to hang on to!"

o  EB:  "Not _the_ Jane Harrington?  Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' 
         Harrington?" ...bangs like a privy door when the plague's in town?"

o  Q to EB: "Because if it wasn't I'd have to chop it off and that wouldn't
             be very nice would it, I mean, imagine the mess when she got a
             cold!  Yuck!!"

o  B : (after being shot in the groin with an arrow). "I shall call it
              my lucky willie.  Years from now I shall take it out and show
              my grandchildren.
   EB: "I think grandchildren are out of the question Baldrick."

o  EB: "I've got a problem with my manservant."
   Doctor: "Well, just pop it on the table and we'll have a look at it."

o  EB: "Flash where have you been?"
   LF: "Where haven't I been! Wooof!!"

o  EB: "Don't worry, you'll get over her. I did. So did Baldrick actually."
       - to Percy, when he discovers a new love

o   LF: "I have a plan, and it's as hot as my pants, woof!!"

o   LF: "Nursey, I like it firm and fruity"

o   KF: "Why walk all the way to London when you can make a fortune lying   
         here on your back?"

o  Hag: "Two things you must know about the wise woman. First...she is a
          woman. Second...she is..."
   EB : "Wise?"
   Hag: "Oh! You know her then?"
   EB : "No, just a stab in the dark, which is what you'll be getting in a 
         minute if you don't become more helpful."

o  LF: "Nursey, am I glad to see you or did someone put a canoe in my       
        pocket.  Down boy! Down!"
      
2. Head

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
M    : Lord Melchett
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
PL   : Ploppy The Jailer
MP   : Mistress Ploppy

Edmund is appointed Head Executioner and accidentally executes the wrong 
man, which causes a slight problem when his wife is given permission by 
the Queen to see him.

o  EB: "Right, Baldrick, let's try again, shall we?  This is called adding. 
        If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?"
   B : "Some beans."
   EB: "Yes ... and no.  Let's try again, shall we?  I have two beans, then I add
        two more beans.  What does that make?"
   B : "A very small casserole."
   EB: "Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this.  Now try
        again.  One, two, three, four.  So how many are there?"
   B : "Three."
   EB: "What?"
   B : "And that one."
   EB: "Three...and that one.  So if I add that one to the three, what will I
        have?"
   B : "Some beans."
   EB: "Yes.  To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was something that just     
        happened to other people, wasn't it?"

o  EB: "No, that's what *I* think.  Look, do try and have an original thought
        of your own, Baldrick.  Thinking is so important.  Now, what do *you* 
        think?"
   B : "I think thinking is so important, my lord."
      
o   EB: "Birdbrain and birdneck, should get on like a house on fire!"
       - Edmund talking about Baldrick and Percy.

o   EB: "Maybe to another plate swallowing bird"
       - Talking to Percy, when he is wearing a new ruff and thinks
          he's attractive

o   EB: "But beneath this boyish exterior beats the heart of a ruthless,
         sadistic maniac"
       - EB talking to the "executioning crew" 

o   EB: "Milady, you wished to see me?"
    Q : "Yes, Edmund.  Lord Melchett has bad news."
    EB: "Lord Melchett *is* bad news, Ma'am."

o   EB: "And in Genoa, it is the custom to stand with one foot in a bucket,
         pin a live frog to one's shoulder braid, and go 'Bibble' at passers-by."

o   P : "Fashion today *is* towards the tiny."
    EB: "Well, in that case, Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in 
         London."

o   EB: "I'd shake your hand, but I'm afraid it would fall off."
        - To Ploppy

o   P : "You know perfectly well Mrs Miggins is bedridden from the nose down. 
         And besides, she is honoring the occasion in her own special way by
         baking a commemorative pie in the shape of an enormous pie!"
    EB: "What an imagination that woman has."

3. Potato

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
M    : Lord Melchett
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
WR   : Walter Raleigh (Simon Jones)
RR   : Captain Redbeard Rum (Tom Baker)

Sir Walter Raleigh returns from exploring the New World. Edmund decides
to do some exploring to impress the Queen with the aid of Capt. Rum.

o  EB:  "So you don't know the way to France either? 
   RR:  "No."
   EB:  "Bugger."
      
o  EB: "People are somking potatoes, wearing them, building houses out of 
        them. Bloody potatoes. Next thing you know, they'll be eating them."
      
o  WR: "Why, round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head 
        bleed."
   EB: "So some sort of hat is probably in order?"

o  Percy: "Oh, yes, I touched her once."
   EB: "You touched her what?"
   Percy: "Her, once,in a corridor."
   EB: "I've never heard it called that before."

o  EB: "And where would I find him on a Tuesday?"
   WR: "Well, if I remember his habits, he's usually up the Old Sea Dog."
   EB: "Ah yes, where is the Old Sea Dog?"
   WR: "Well, on Tuesdays, he's normally in bed with the captain."

o  RR: "Arrrr, you have a woman's hands, my lord!"
     - to EB

o  EB: "Better a lapdog to a slip of a girl than a ... git!"
     - to RR

o  P : "Don't despair, good woman.  He died a hero's death, giving his life 
        that his friends might live."
   EB: "And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes."
     - To Nursey about RR

o  EB: "Yes, your fiancee was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate    
        second course."
     - to Nursey about RR

o  LM: "Lord Blackadder.  Our foremost cartographers have given us a        
        map of the area you'll be traversing."
   EB: opens it and discovers it's blank (does not say anything).
   LM: "Yes, they'd like you to fill it in as you go."
     
o  EB: "I thought it was common maritime practise to have a crew."
   RR: "Well, opinion on the matter is divided m'Lord.  All the other
        captains say it is.  I say it isn't."

o   LM: "Talking to yourself again BlackAdder?"
    EB: "Yes. It's the only way I can be sure of having an intelligent
        conversation."

o  EB: "What's this?"
    B: "I'm surprised you've forgotten my lord."
   EB: "I haven't forgotten, It's a rhetorical question."
    B: "No it isn't, it's a potato."
   EB: "Baldrick, to you it's a potato, to me it's potato.  To sir Walter 
        bloody Raleigh, it's titles, homes, and all the girls his tongue 
        can handle."

4. Money

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
M    : Lord Melchett
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
BB   : Bishop of Bath and Wells (Ronald Lacey)
MP   : Mr. Pants (Barry Craine)

The Bishop of Bath and Wells arrives to collect on a debt that Edmund owes.


o   EB: "He only wanted to pay a 1000 pounds, but I managed to beat him up to   
         1500."
     P: "Oh well done my lord!"
    EB: "Yes, well credit where credit's due. I just named the price.
         It was Baldrick who actually did the beating up."

o   B : "Lord Melchett is very ill.  Apparently he's at death's door."
    EB: "Ahh, well, then, my faithful reinstated family retainer, let's go  
         open it for him, shall we?"

o   EB: "The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own    
         satanic herd!"

o   EB: "A chat with you and death loses its sting."

o   EB: "You're a one, aren't you?  When you should be whispering sweet     
         conversational nothings like 'Goodness me, something twice the size 
         of the Royal Barge has just hove into view between the sheets!' you 
         say nothing; but enter the creature from the Black Latrine and you 
         can't keep your mouth shut."

o  EB: "Of course, you know what your great discovery means, don't you,     
        Percy?"
   P : "Perhaps, my lord."
   EB: "That you, Percy, are an utter berk."

o  EB: "It was terrific, madam.  I thank God I wore my corset because I
        think my sides have split."

o  MP: "You've really got your banter worked out, haven't you?"
   EB: "No, this is something different.  It's spontaneous and it's 
        called wit."

o  EB: "I only did not laugh out loud because I was afraid if I did, my head 
        might have fallen off."

o  EB: "Ah ah, not so fast. No that it would make any difference. We have the 
        preliminary sketches..."
       - to the Bishop, after showing him the incriminating painting

? o  BB: "You fiend!  Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded   
          perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?"

? o  BB: "Sir, you are one of the most foul, disgusting, immoral, perverted 
          men that I have ever known. Have you considered a career in the   
          church?"
       - The baby eating Bishop of Bath and Wells, after seeing the portrait
         
o  EB: "Melchett, I prostrate myself at the feet of the world's greatest    
        living comedian!"

o  EB: "The grave opens up before me like a...big hole in the ground."
     
o  EB: "It's green."
   P : "Yes, my lord!"
   EB: "Percy, the colour of gold, is gold. What you have discovered, if  
        indeed it has a name, is some ....green."
   P : "Oh Edmund can it be true, that I hold in my mortal hands a nugget
            of purest GREEN??
       - Percy after discovering the secret of alchemy
   
o  B : "Wot, have you got a plan, my lord?"
   EB: "Yes, I have. And it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it!"

o  EB: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr. Brain has long since    
        departed, hasn't he, Percy?"

o  EB: "Baldrick, go forth into the streets and announce that Lord Blackadder 
        wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets."

o  BB: "Bend over Blackadder it's poker time"

5. Beer

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
LM   : Lord Melchett (Stephen Fry)
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
LW   : Lady Whiteadder (Miriam Margolyes)
SP   : Simon Partridge (Hugh Laurie)
FF   : Freddie Frobisher

Edmund has his Aunt and Uncle Whiteadder over for dinner,as well as hosting
a drinking party at the same time.

o  (Baldrick enters, carrying the front door)
   EB: "Baldrick, I advise you to make the explanation you are about to give 
        phenomenally good."
   B : "You said, 'Get the door."
   EB: "Not good enough.  You're fired."
   B : "But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!"
   EB: "So has syphilis.  Now get out!"

o  EB: "Ah!  God pats me on the head and says, 'Good boy, Edmund!'"

o  LM: "You twist and turn like a ... twisty, turny thing."

o  EB: "Baldric, why do you have a piece of cheese tied to your nose?
    B: "To catch mice, my lord.  I lie on the ground with my mouth open
        and hope they scurry in."
    EB: "Do they?"
    B: "Not yet, my lord."
    EB: "I am not surprised.  Your breath comes straight from Satan's       
         bottom."

    <Later, Baldric walks in with a dead mouse tied to his nose>

    EB: "Why?"
    B: "I got tired of the all-mouse diet, my lord.  I thought I'd try cat
        for variety."

o   EB:  "See the little goblin, see his little feet,
          And his little nosey-wosey, isn't the goblin sweet."

o   EB: "It is said, Percy, that civilised man seeks out good and 
         intelligent company, so by learned discourse he may rise above 
         the savage and closer to God"
    P : "Yes, I've heard that"
    EB: "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total 
         dickhead, to remind me I'm best"

o  P : "But aren't they the most fanatical puritans in all of England?"
   EB: "Yes, But they have one redeeming feature.  Their wallets.  As       
        capacious as an elephants scrotum, and just as difficult to get your 
        hands into."

o  LW: "I hope you did not invite anyone else.  For where there are others, 
        there are people to fornicate with!"
   EB: "Well, I'll just go tell them to ... fornicate off."

o  B: "That's very ironic, because I have a thingy that's shaped like a     
       turnip."

o   EB: "I wish to send some party invitations.  In order to make them look
         particularly fierce, I wish to sign them in blood. Your blood, to
         be precise."
    B : "Ah, I see.  Will you be requiring me to cut off an arm or a leg?"
    EB: "Good lord, no!  A little prick will do."

o  Percy: "I use to dream of being an actor in my youth. They did call me the
            man of a thousand faces."
    EB:   "So how did you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now?"
       - BA2
      
o  LW: "Don't call me 'aunt'!  For aunts are relatives and relatives are      
        evidence of sex!  And sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner 
        table!"
   EB: "Or indeed any table."
   P : "Except perhaps a table in a brothel."

o  SP: "'Stuck in.'  Waaay-hey!  Get it?  Sounds a bit *rude*, doesn't it?"

o  LW: "Edmund!  Explain yourself!"
   EB: "I can't.  Not just like that.  I'm a complicated person, you see,
        Auntie."

o  LM: "What I drunk last night, would have floored a rhinocerous."
   EB: "Yes, if it was allergic to lemonade."

o  FF: "BUM! Get it? Sounds a bit like ... bum really"
   
o  EB: "Percy, the devil farts in my face once more."

o  Q : "I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and 
        stomach of a concrete elephant."

o  P : "You've taken a vow of silence, how fascinating. Tell me about it."
       - to EB's religious Uncle Whiteadder

6. Chains

EB   : Edmund BlackAdder (Rowan Atkinson)
B    : Baldrick (Tony Robinson)
Q    : Queeny, Queen Elizabeth (Miranda Richardson)
N    : Nursey
LM   : Lord Melchett (Stephen Fry)
P    : Lord Percy (Tim McInnerny)
PL   : Prince Ludwig (Hugh Laurie)

Edmund and Melchett are kidnapped by a German who plans to overthrow 
England's Queen.

o  Queenie : "Lord Percy, either you can Shut Up, Or you can have your head
              cut off."
   Percy: <Thinks>
   Percy: <Thinks>
   Percy: <Thinks>
   Percy: "I'll shut up."


o  EB: "Baaaaaa."
       - EB to Melchie

o  Q : "And what did you say to him?"
   EB: "Say, madam?  I said nothing.  I simply pulled up my tights and jumped 
        out the privy window."
   Q : "Oh, Edmund!  You're so naughty!"
   EB: "Well, I try, madam.  And then ten minutes later when I've got my    
        breath back, I try again."

o  EB: "Oh, God!  God!  What on earth was I drinking last night?  My head   
        feels like there's a Frenchman living in it!"

o  LM: "As private parts to the gods are we:  they play with us for their   
        sport!"

o  PL: "I hope this scum has not inconweenienced you?"
   EB: "It takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my goolies to
        inconweenience me!"

o  PL: "You think yourself amusing, Blackadder."
   EB: "I try not to fly in the face of public opinion."

o  Q : "Then he's vanished.  Completely vanished."
   P : "Like an old oak table."
   Q : "'Vanished,' Lord Percy, not 'varnished.'"

o  EB: "You don't mean...?"
   PL: "Yes!  *I* was the waitress."

o  LM: "Blackadder!  What are you saying??  What of loyalty, honour,       
        self-respect?"
   EB: "What of 'em?"
   LM: "...Nothing."

o  EB: "Madam, without you, life is like a broken pencil."
   Q : "Explain."
   EB: "Pointless."

o  Q : "Many apil-ogies for the in-con-wien-ience".
       - Queenie reading Price Ludwig's letter

o  Q : "..I have decided to spend the money on... A Big Party,
        Can't decide between between my two faves, so I've decided
        to keep the money and spend it all on a Big Splash Up.
        Hope you aren't too miffed. By-eee"

o  Q : "What you, Shorty greasy spot, spot?"
       - The Queen to Prince Ludwig

o  LM: "I'll never see England again,
        Her rolling hills, her swooping swallows..."
   EB: "Her playful sheep.."

o  Q: "Everything is still the same. Lord Percy is still unemployed, your   
       animal is still not housetrained, and Nursey here is still a few     
       sticks short of a bundle"

o  PL: "So Lord Melchett.  We meet again."
   LM: "No, I don't recall."
   PL: "Remember that lonely shepherd you used to sit with."
   LM: "No you're not."
   PL: "Yes Lord Melchit. I. I was Flossy.  BAAAAAA."
     
o  German Guards: Further insulting guestures to the prisoners.  (Guards    
                  place hands on hips and thrust them forward.  Melchie and 
                  BA punchs the guards in the groin.  Guards collapse.)
   EB: "Trust me to get the hard one."

o  EB: "Ah ha. Lets see if I've got this straight."

      "If I admit that I'm in love with..."
      <guard shakes his head.>
      "No??"
      <guard does a half somersault>
      "Oh, If I say that I'm head over heels in love with Satan and all his
       little wizards, you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument
       resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite make that
       out, and roast them over a large fire. 

       Whereas, if I don't admit that I'm head over heels in love with Satan
       and all his little wizards, you will hold me upside down in a vat of
       warm marmalade..

       <pause..sees guard isn't finished...realisation>

       AND remove my testicles with a blunt instrument resembling some kind
       of gardening tool.

       Well in that case, I love Satan....

      <guard produces a scythe>
   
      Oh, it's a scythe....."

o   LM: "Some pleasant word game perhaps?"
    EB: "OK make a sentence from these words, face sodding your shut"


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[ BlackAdder Series 3 ]

Black Adder III (Edmund BA is a butler to the Prince Regent-late 1700s). 1987

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George the Prince Regent (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
PM : Prime Minister William Pitt the Younger (Simon Osborne)
VH : Vincent Hanna the Elder (Vincent Hanna the Much Younger)
IB : Ivor Biggun (Geoff McGivern)

1. Dish and Dishonesty

o  EB: "He's about as effective as a catflap in an elephant house."

o  G : "Still, for me, socks are like sex.  Tons of it about and I can't seem 
        to get any."

o  EB: "Well, you could appoint him a high-court judge."
   G : "Is he qualified?"
   EB: "He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool."
   G : "Sounds a bit overqualified."

o  "I'm going to a fancy dress party as Lady Hamilton's pussy."
       - EB to the Price Regent, wearing a catskin cloak he bought when he 
         thought he was going to be knighted. 

o  G : "Fine!  Well, the money's in my desk."
   EB: "No, sir, it's in my wallet."

o  EB: "Why don't you take a holiday Baldrick .... did you enjoy it?"

o  VH: "Mr Blackadder has been made returning officer, after the previous 
        officer tragically cut his head off while combing his hair."
       
o  PM: "I intend to put up my own brother as a candidate against you."
   EB: "Oh, and which Pitt would this be?  Pitt the Toddler?  Pitt the      
        Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?"

o  G : "I say, Blackadder, what a ghastly squirt!  He's not going to win, is 
        he?"
   EB: "No, sir, because firstly, we shall fight this campaign on issues, not
        personalities.  Secondly, we will be the only fresh thing on the    
        menu. And thirdly, of course, we'll cheat."

o  EB: "Yes, Baldrick.  I've been meaning to ask you:  do you have any goal 
        in life other than the acquisition of turnips?"
   B : "No."
   EB: "So if I gave you a thousand pounds, what would you do?"
   B : "I'd buy a little turnip of my own."
   EB: "And what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?"
   B : "Oh, that's different.  I'd get a great big turnip in the country."

o  G : "First, I'd like a word about the disgraceful circumstances in which 
        this election arose.  We paid for this seat and I think it's a damned 
        liberty we should have to stand for it as well."

o  EB: "Well, we in the Adder Party will win this election on issues, not 
        personalities."
   VH: "Why is that?"
   EB: "Because our candidate doesn't have a personality."

o  IB: "Well, as I always say, if you can't laugh, what can you do?"
   VH: "Take up politics, perhaps."

o  EB: "Oh, God!  If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before 
        you start!"

o  EB: "I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a  
        weasel."

o  EB: "First Name?"
   B : "I'm not sure."
   EB: "Come on, you MUST have a first name."
   B : "It might be Sod Off."
   EB: "Sod Off??"
   B : "Yeah, when I was a young lad playing in the gutter, I used to say to 
        all the other snipes, "Hello, my names Baldrick". And they'd say,   
       "Yes we know, Sod Off Baldrick"
       - Blackadder and Baldrick filling a application form..

o  G : "You look as happy as a man who thought a cat had done its business on
        his pie, but it turned out to be an extra large blackberry."

o  EB: "Well, sir, one name does leap to mind."
   G : "Does it?"
   EB: "Yes, sir."
   G : "You couldn't make it leap any higher, could you?"

o  B : "My Lord, I have a cunning plan."
       - several times BA3 / BA4

2. Ink and Incapability

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
SJ : Doctor Samuel Johnson (Robbie Coltrane)

Dr. Samuel Johnson asks the Prince for support of his dictionary, which 
accidentally gets used for firewood. Edmund must re-write it before Dr.
Johnson finds out.

o  G : "I need to improve my mind, Blackadder.  I want people to say, 'That 
        George, why, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill!'"

o  G : "I hear it's a masterpiece."
   EB: "No, sir, 'tis not.  It's the most pointless book since _How to Learn
        French_ was translated into French."

o  B : "Something wrong, Mr. B.?"
   EB: "Something's always wrong, Balders.  The fact that I'm not a         
        millionaire aristocrat with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is 
        a constant niggle."

o  B : "I thought he was the cleverest man in England."
   EB: "Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people at a lodge meeting of the   
        Guild of Village Idiots."

o  EB: "I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you that he is    
        happy because he has finished his book.  It has apparently taken him 
        ten years."
   G : "Yes.  Well, I'm a slow reader myself."

o  SJ: "This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language."
   EB: "Every word, sir?"
   SJ: "Every word, sir."
   EB: "Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer 
        the doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities."
   SJ: "What??"
   EB: "Contrafibularities, sir.  It is a common word down our way."
   SJ: "Damn!"
   EB: "Oh, I'm sorry, sir.  I'm anaspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to
        have caused you such pericumbobulation."

o  EB: "Of course, sir.  I shall return interfrastically."

o  G : "Look, Doctor Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, but even 
       *I* know a book's got to have a plot."

o  EB: "Sir, the Prince is young and foolish.  And has a peanut for a brain."

o  EB: "And if you don't answer, then the booted, bony thing with five toes 
        on the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with the dangly      
        collection of objects in your trousers."

o  G : "Now that I've got my lovely fire, I'm as happy as a Frenchman who's 
       just invented a pair of self-removing trousers."

o  EB: "Baldrick, believe me. Eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his 
        hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five      
        minutes with me and this pencil if we can't replace this dictionary."

o  EB: "Mrs. Miggins, there's nothing intellectual about wandering around   
        Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid."

o  EB: "I love you, Doctor Johnson, and I want to have your babies."

o  G : "I mean, boil my brains!  It's only a dictionary!"

o  SJ: "Sir!  I hope you are not using the first English dictionary to look 
        up rude words!"
   EB: "I wouldn't be too hopeful.  That's what all the other ones will be  
        used for."

3. Nob and Nobility

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)

The Scarlet Pimpernel is the talk of London, much to Edmund's chagrin.
He is captured by French Revolutionaries and held captive. 

o  EB: "I want to be young and wild.  Then I want to be middle-aged and rich.   
        And then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending I'm deaf."

o  EB: "The Scarlet Pimpernel is the most over-rated human being since Judas 
        Iscariot won the A.D.31 'Best Disciple' competition."

o  G : "This is the fellow to ask:  my butler.  Terribly clever.  Smarter   
        than a brain pie."

o  EB: "I was then taken and hung by the larger of my two testicles
        from the Wall of the Bastille.  It was at this stage I
        decided I'd had enough"

o  EB: "You see, the ancient Greeks, sir, wrote in legend of a terrible     
        container in which all the evils of the world were trapped.  How    
        prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the name.  They called it 
        'Pandora's Box,' when of course they meant 'Baldrick's Trousers.'"

o  EB: "It is the way of the world, Baldrick.  The abused always kick down-
        wards. I'm annoyed, and so I kick the cat.  The cat pounces on the 
        mouse, and finally, the mouse..."
    B: "Ow!"
   EB: "...bites you on the behind."
    B: "What do I do?"
   EB: "Nothing.  You are the last of God's great chain.  Unless, of course, 
        there's an earwig around here that you'd like to victimize."

o  EB: "Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning  
        plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this 
        conversation?"

o  G : "Roast my raisins!"

o   "They seek him here
     They seek him there
     Those Frenchies seek him everywhere
     Is he in heaven
     Is he in Hell
     That devious Scarlet Pimpernel."

o  B : "Hooray!  It's the Scarlet Pimpernel!"
   EB: "Yes, Baldrick."
   B : "And you killed him!"

4. Sense and Sensiblity

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
EM : Enoch Mossop (Kenneth Connor)

The Prince Regent enlists the aid of two actors to help him write a speech.
But are the actors really anarchists?

o  EB: "They're worked up, sir, because they're so poor they are forced to  
        have children simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at    
        Christmas.  Disease and deprivation stalk our land like two giant     
        stalking things."

o  G : "Oh yes, that says 'Here is a man'"
   EB: "Or here are my genitals"
       - Blackadder on the Princes stance advised by the actors

o   G : "I've just had another brilliant idea."
    EB: "Another one?"
    G : "Yes, you remember the one I had about wearing underpants
             on the outside to save on laundry bills."
      

o  EB: "Well, Baldrick, I would just like to say how much I enjoyed your 
        company and friendship but we both know that that would be an utter 
        lie, so Sod Off and if I ever see you again, it will be a billion 
        years too soon.

o  G : "What I can't understand is why anyone would want to kill you, 
        Blackadder"
   EB: "I rather think that is was you they were after, your Highness"
   G : "What makes you say that?"
   EB: "Well, the words 'Death to the stupid prince' first brought it to my
        attention"

o   G : "Honestly Blackadder, I'm sick of you treating me like I'm
             some sort of thickie.  Well it's not me that's thick, it's
             you Mr. Thickie Black Thickie Adder Thickie."

o   EB: "One more insult from him and the contract between us
         will be as broken as this milk jug."
     B: "But that milk jug isn't broken."
    EB: "You really do walk into these things, don't you Baldric ?"
         [smashes milk jug over Baldrick's head]

o   EB: "Who me sir?  Mr. Thickie Black Thickie Adder Thickie?
         Mr. hopelessly dribbly, can't write for toffee,
         crappy butler weed?  Mr. extremely under-valued
         butler who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight."

o  G : "Your problem is that you can't tell the difference between acting and
        reality, Blackadder"
       - Prince holding a bomb in his hand

o  EB: "These are volatile times.  The American Revolution lost your father
        the colonies; the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis; and    
        there are great rumblings in Prussia.  Though that may have something
        to do with the sausages."

o  EB: "They do say, Mrs. M., that verbal insults hurt more than physical   
        pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I
        stick this toasting fork in your head."

o  EM: "You think just because we're actors we sleep with everyone."
   EB: "I think being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone."

o  B : "My Uncle Baldrick was in a play once."
   EB: "Really?"
   B : "Yeah.  It was called _MacBeth_."
   EB: "And what did he play?"
   B : "Second codpiece.  MacBeth wore him in the fight scenes."
   EB: "So he was a stunt codpiece?"
   B : "Yeah."
   EB: "Was it a large part?"
   B : "Depends on who was playing MacBeth."

o  EB: "And by the end of tonight, I want that dinng table so clean I could
        eat my dinner off it."

5. Amy and Amiability

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
MH : Mr Hardwood (Warren Clarke)

The Prince is low on cash and Edmund sets out to find a suitable dowry
for the Prince to marry.

o  EB: "Honestly, Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican.  Whichever way 
        I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me."

o   G: "The idea of the game is to give away all your money as quickly as
        possible."

o  EB: "...what squirrel...ooohhh, that squirrel."

o  G:"So will I just shimmy up the drainpipe and ask her if she wants to take
      a consignment of German sausage ?"
       
o  EB: "This man probably owns half of Lancashire.  His family has got more 
        mills than you've got brain cells."
   G : "How many mills?"
   EB: "Seven, sir."

o  EB: "Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?"
   B : "No, but I've often thought that I'd like to."
   EB: "Well don't.  It's a ghastly place.  Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men 
        roam the valleys terrifying people with their close-harmony singing."

o  EB: "She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany.  And as  
        you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition."

o  EB: "The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume."

o  EB: "Sir, I come as emissary from the Prince of Wales with the most      
        splendid news.  He wants your daughter Amy for his wife."
   MH: "Well, 'is wife can't 'ave 'er!"

o  EB: "Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?"
   B : "Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy, only it's made of iron."

o  EB: "But you know, Baldrick, the world isn't fair.  It if were, things   
        like this wouldn't happen." (whacks Baldrick on the back of the head)

o  EB: "Mrs. M., if we were the last three humans on earth, I'd be trying to 
        start a family with Baldrick."

o  B : "Hire you a horse?  For ninepence?  On Jewish New Year's Eve in the  
        rain? A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of Old London 
        Town? With the blacksmith's strike in it's fifteenth week and the     
        Dorset Horse-Fetishists' fair tomorrow?"

o  EB: "Oh my god she's been arrested and hanged!"
       - The Prince discovers what happened to his Beloved Amy

o  EB: "Baldrick!  Thank you for introducing me to a genuinely new          
        experience!"
   B : "What expericence is that?"
   EB: "Being pleased to see you!"

6. Duel and Duality

EB : Edmund BlackAdder, Butler to George (Rowan Atkinson)
G  : George, the Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie)
B  : Baldrick, the DogsBody (Tony Robinson)
AW : Arthur, Duke of Wellington (Stephen Fry)
MM : Mad McAdder (Rowan Atkinson)

The Prince "soils" two of the Duke of Wellington's nieces and is challenged
to a duel. Edmund volunteers to fight for the Prince and attempts to get
his cousin, McAdder to fill in for him.

o  EB: "I want to be remembered when I'm dead.  I want books written about  
        me.  I want songs sung about me.  And hundreds of years from now, I 
        want episodes from my life played out weekly at half past nine by   
        some great actor of the age."
   B : "Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard."

o  G : "At the party as I passed, all eyes turned."
   EB: "And I daresay quite a few stomachs."

o  EB: "He's mad, totally mad.  He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, winner of  
        last year's Mr. Madman competition."

o  EB:"It's no fun working for a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus and 
       all the social grace of a potty."

o  EB: "We're as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod."

o  EB: "Baldrick, does it have to be this way?  Our valued friendship ending
        with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you
        walked across a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?"

o  AW: "Oh, fatal error!  Give 'em an inch and before you know it they've got
        a foot! Much more than that and you don't have a leg to stand on!"

o  MM: "What's in it for me?"
   EB: "Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides.  What do you think?"
   MM: "Fourteen shillings and sixpence?"

o  EB: "Oh, God!  Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more!"

o  EB: "I've looked after you all my life!  Why, even when we were babies, I
        had to show you which bit of your mother was serving the drinks!"

o  EB: "A man may fight for many things:  his country, his principles, his
        friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child.  But   
        personally, I'd mudwrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an      
        amusing clock and a stack of French porn."

o  AW: "Your father may be as mad as a balloon, but I think you have the    
        makings of a fine king."

o  G : "I die.  I hope that men will say of me that I did duty by my        
        country."
   EB: "I think that's pretty unlikely.  If I was you I'd try for something
        a bit more realistic."
   G : "Like what?"
   EB: "Err, you hope that men will think of you as a bit of a thickie?"

o  "I'm afraid that might not be far enough. Apparently the head Mongol
    and the Duke are good friends. They were at Eton together."

o  AW: "Those who soil a Wellington put their foot in it. This is not a joke. 
        I don't find my name even remotely funny and those that do end up   
        dead."
       - Duke of Wellington's letter to The Prince Regent


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[ BlackAdder Series 4 ]

Black Adder Goes Fourth (Edmund BA is a Captain in the trenches along the
Western Front in 1917). 1989

1. Captain Cook

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)

General Melchett is looking for an artist for a special assignment.

o  PB: "Would you like some rat au vin to help you think?"
   EB: "Rat...au vin?"
   PB: "Yeah, it's rat that's been..."
   EB: "...run over by a van."

o  PB: "I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'd never get hit 
        by it..."

o  EB: (To General Melchett) "Have you ever visited Planet Earth ?"

o  LG: "Tally ho, pip pip, and Bernard's your uncle."
   EB: "In English, we say, 'Good morning.'"

o  EB: "Your brain, for example, is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry   
        cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough inside to 
        cover a small water biscuit."

o  PB: "What's on the menu?"
   EB: "Rat:  sautee or fricasee."
   PB: "Oh, the agony of choice.  Sauteed involves...?"
   EB: "Well, first you take a freshly shaven rat and marinate it in a mud 
        puddle for a while."
   PB: "Mmm, for how long?"
   EB: "Til it's drowned."

o  EB: (to CD) "Me and you of course Darling,
                Field Marshall Hague, and Field Marshal's Hague's wife,
                All her friends, her friends' servants,
                her friends' servants tennis partners,
                and some man I bumped into in the mess last week
                named 'Barnard'"
       - Generals list of people knowing of the secret plan, BA4

o  GM: "Row, row, row your punt gently down the stream,
   LG:  Belts off, trousers down, life is such a scream.  UNNHH!!"
   EB: "Fabulous.  University education:  you can't beat it."

o  EB: "I, on the other hand, am a fully-rounded human being, with a degree 
        from the University of Life, a diploma from the School of Hard      
        Knocks, and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit 
        Kicked Out of Me."

o  LG: "Well, *I'm* not overfurnished in the brain department."

o  EB: "I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about Baldrick's apple 
        crumble."

o  LG: "Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an Impressionist."
   EB: "The only impression he can do is that of a man with no talent."

o  EB: "This is going to be art's greatest moment since Mona Lisa sat down and 
        told Leonardo da Vinci she was in a slightly odd mood."

o  GM: "So it's maximum security, is that clear?"
   EB: "Quite clear, sir.  Only myself and the rest of the English-speaking   
        world is to know."

o  CD: "Good luck against those elephants."

o  EB: "Get me a chisel and some marble, will you, Baldrick?"
   LG: "Oh, you taking up sculpture now, sir?"
   EB: "No, I thought I'd get my headstone done."
   LG: "What are you going to put on it?"
   EB: "'Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed.'"

o  LG: "In the school debating society, I was voted Boy Least Likely to     
        Complete a Coherent...erm..."
   EB: "Sentence?"
   LG: "That's it!  Yes!  Yes!"

2. Corporal Punishment

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
CP : Corporal Perkins (Jeremy Hardy)

In avoiding orders from Geneepisdesral Melchett, Edmund eats a messanger
pigeon, which turns out to be a court-martial offence.

o  LG: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do ?"
   EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
        scatter oneself over a wide area."

o  EB: "With 100,000 men dying every day, who's going to miss one small 
        pigeon?"
   <BANG!>
   LG: "Well, obviously not you, Sir"
    
o  LG: "As far as I can tell, you're guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile
        of poo."

o  GM: "I don't care if he has been rogering the Duke Of York with a giant  
        leek. He killed my pigeon."
       - General Meltchett on the death of his 'Speckled Jim'

o  "We're your firing squad."
       - The firing squad meets Blackadder

o  EB: "George, I'm in deep trouble here.  I need to construct a case that's 
        as watertight as a mermaid's brassiere."

o  LG: "I'm as thick as the big-print version of The Complete Works of      
        Charles Dickens."

o  CP: "I must say, Captain, I've got to admire your balls."
   EB: "Perhaps later."

o  EB: "Morning, George.  Morning, Baldrick.  Still a striking resemblance to 
        guppy fish at feeding time."

o  "Permission for lip to wobble, Sir?"
       - George on the belief that Blackadder is dead, BA4

o  George: "Apart from this occasion do you think of Blackadder as a man who 
             would normally disobey orders?"
   Darling: "Yes."
   George : "Are you sure? I was rather banking on you saying 'No' there."
       - George questions Capt. Darling, BA4

3. Major Star

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
BP : Driver Bob Parkhurst (Gabrielle Glaister)

In order to boost up the troop's morale, Edmund organises a show with 
hopes of taking the revue to London.

o  LG: "So, we're a bit stuck."
   EB: "You can say that again, George.  We're in the stickiest situation   
        since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun!"

o  EB: "They've [the Russians] abandoned the Eastern Front."
   PB: "And they've overthrown Nicholas the Second, who used to be bizarre."
   EB: "He used to be *the* Czar, Baldrick."

o  "Dear Mr Chapman Stop
    Have found only man in the world less funny than you stop
    Name is Baldrick Stop
    Yours Captain E Blackadder stop.
    P.S. Please please please please stop."
       - EB commenting on Charlie Chaplin and Baldrick, BA4

o  EB: "Baldrick, that is the worst plan since Abe Lincoln said to his wife, 
        'I'm sick of sitting around the house, let's catch a show'"

o  BP: "Oh, sir, sir, please don't give me away, sir.  I just wanted to be  
        like my brothers and join up.  I want to see how a war is fought -- so 
        badly!"
   EB: "Well, you've come to the right place, Bob.  A war hasn't been fought 
        this badly since Olaf the Hairy, chief of all the Vikings,          
        accidentally ordered eighty thousand battle helmets with the horns on 
        the inside."

o  EB: "Everything goes over your head, doesn't it, George?  You should go to 
        Jamaica and become a limbo dancer."

o  EB: "If I should die, think only this of me:  I'll be back to get ya."

o  EB: "You don't look like Charlie Chaplin, Baldrick. You don't have a 
        moustache."
   B: "No, Sir. But I have this - a dead slug."
       - BA4

4. Private Plane

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
LF : Squadron Leader The Lord Flashheart (Rik Mayall)

Edmund joins the Air Corp and crashes behind enemy lines with Baldrick.
Lord Flashheart battles Baron von Richthoven to rescue him.

o  EB: "I don't care how many times they go up-diddly-up-up.  They're stilll 
        gits."

o  LF: "You should treat your aircraft like you treat your woman."
   EB: "So you should take your plane out to dinner and a movie?"
   LF: "No, get in her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back!"

o  EB: "We've shot off over a million shells and what's the result?  One      
        dachshund with a slight limp."

o  B: "I want my mother."
   EB: "Ah, yes. A maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very
        moment."      

o  LG: "My God!"
   LF: "Yes, I suppose I am."

o  GM: "Darling, stop slouching"
       - to an unconscious Capt Darling (headbutted by Flash)

o  LF: "Ask me why I don't wear any underwear"
   EB: "Why don't you have any underwear?"
   LF: "Because a pair of pants haven't been invented that will take the
        job on. wooooow!!"

o  EB: "For two and a half years, the Western Front has been as likely to move 
        as a Frenchman who lives next door to a brothel."

o  LF: "I wasn't born yesterday, you know."
   EB: "More's the pity, we could have started your personality from        
        scratch."

o  EB: "However, the Teutonic reputation for brutality is well-founded.     
        Their operas last three or four days.  They have no word for        
        'fluffy.'"

5. General Hospital

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
dddLG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)
NB : Nurse Mary Fletcher-Brown (Miranda Richardson)

Edmund is assigned to find a spy in a hospital, which has a beautiful
nurse and a man with a strong German accent called "Smith".

o  EB: "She's as wet as a fish's wet bits."

o  NB: "Tell me, Edmund, do you have someone special in your life?"
   EB: "Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
   NB: "Who?"
   EB: "Me."
   NB: "No, I mean someone you love and cherish and want to keep safe from all  
        the horror and hurt."
   EB: "Mmmm, stilll me, really."

o  EB: "I only smoke after making love, so back home in England 
        I'm a twenty a day man."

o  GM: "Well, bugger me with a fish fork!"

o  GM: "You'll need a very convincing injury then."
       - General while shooting Darling in the foot to get him in hospital

o  LG: "It'll be so jolly to see Baldrick and the Cap again.  They'll have 
        been worried sick about me, you know."
   EB: "All right, where is the malingering git?"

o  EB: "Sir, is there something the matter?"
   GM: "You're damned right there's something the matter!  Something sinister 
        and something grotesque.  And what's worse is that it's going on under 
        my very nose!"
   EB: "Sir, your moustache is lovely!"

o  LG: "Well cover me in egg and flour and bake me for 14 minutes!"
       - Lt. George on being told the nurse was the spy

o  EB: "That would be as hard as finding a piece of hay in an incredibly large 
        stack of needles."

o  EB: "Baldrick, you have the intellectual capacity of a dirty potato."

6. Goodbyeee

PB : Private S. Baldrick (Tony Robinson) 
EB : Captain Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LG : Lieutenant The Honourable George Colthurst St Barleigh (Hugh Laurie)
GM : General Sir Antony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett (Stephen Fry)
CD : Captain Kevin Darling (Tim McInnerny)

The big push is coming, so Edmund goes mad. Will a last minute call to
Field Marshal Haig save him?

o  EB: "I think the phrase rhymes with 'clucking bell.'"

o  LG: "I'm as bored as a pacifist's pistol."

o  CD: "Ah, cappucino."
       - Baldrick confesses to BA that all the coffees that have been served
         for the past few months have in fact been mud, with dandruff for   
         sugar and spit for milk (I'm making myself sick typing this crap .. 
         anyway) Baldrick makes a cuppa for Captain Darling, who upon       
         receiving it looks into the cup.

o  B : "Well if I've got it, then you've got it too now sir." 
              
o  EB: "Now, Baldrick, ask me some simple questions."
   PB: "Right.  What is your name?"
   EB: "<YOUR VERSION OF WIBBLE, WUBBLE, WBBL, WOBBLE, OR WOOBLE>"
   PB: "What is two plus two?"
   EB: "Oh, <WIBBLE WIBBLE>."
   PB: "Where do you live?"
   EB: "London."
   PB: "Eh?"
   EB: "A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city...<WIBBLE>."

o  PB: "I heard it [the war] started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an 
        ostrich 'cos he was hungry."

o  LG: "I'm as excited as a really excited person who's got a special reason 
        to be excited."

o  EB: "There was a tiny flaw in the plan.  
   PB: "What, sir?"
   EB: "It was bollocks."

o  CD: "Made a note in my diary on the way here.  Simply says:  bugger."

o  EB: "We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions 
        of men have died, and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant 
        with some heavy shopping."

o  PB: "Shall I do my war poem?"
   EB: "How hurt would you be if I gave the honest answer, which is 'I'd    
        rather French-kiss a skunk'?"
   PB: "So would I, sir."

o  EB: "I'm afraid it'll have to wait.  Whatever it was, I'm sure it was    
        better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad.  I  
        mean, who would've noticed another madman around here?"

o  EB: "Surely you've noticed something in the air?"
   LG: "Yes, but I -- I thought that was Baldrick."


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[ BlackAdder Christmas Special ]

2. Blackadder's Christmas Carol (Ebenezer Blackadder is the proprietor of
   a moustache shop in Victorian London). 1988

EB  : Ebeneezer Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson)
LF  : Lord Frondo (Stephen Fry)
B   : Baldrick, Commander of the Galactic Fleet (Tony Robinson)

Ebenezer Adder is the kindest man in England. A visit from the Spirit of
Christmas helps him see the error of his ways.

Includes Christmas scenes of BA II and BA III plus a "Star Adder" scene.

o  EB: "Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself 
        purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle plans 
        are here again'."

o  EB: "Well, peel my tangerines!"

o  EB: "Well, bless my ten toes!"

o  G : "I mean, for heaven's sake!  What can I do with a girl that I can't do
        with you?"
   EB: "I cannot conceive, sir."
     - [The Prince Regent (Hugh Laurie); Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) 
        BLACKADDER'S CHRISTMAS CAROL]

o  EB: "There's a limit to how long the aroma of roasting chestnuts can blot 
        out the smell of Baldrick's trousers."
     - [Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) -- BLACKADDER'S CHRISTMAS CAROL]

o  LF: "What news of the foul Marmidons?"
   B : "Good news!"
   LF: "Excellent!"
   B : "...for the Marmidons."

o  EB: "Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, 
        you'd think its mother'd been rogered by an omnibus."

o  "Well baste my steaming puddings!"
   
o  EB: "If I'm mean and nasty then my desendants will rule the universe,
        but if I'm not I'll end up wearing Baldricks posing pouch"

o  "I remember when I was young putting out biscuits and a drink for Father
    Christmas - And then scoffing it all because I was a princess and I 
    could do whatever I want!"
       - Queen in BlackAdders Xmas special

o   EB - "You know what the good thing about this present is
          Baldrick ?"
          [Inserts his hand and arm into Baldrick's empty Christmas stocking]
    Baldrick - "No"
    EB - "You can use it again and again and again."
          [EB withdraws his hand from the Christmas stocking and punches
           Baldrick in the face a few times]


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[ BlackAdder -- The Cavalier Years ]

1. Blackadder: The Cavalier Years (Edmund is a friend of King Charles).
(part of a BBC Comic Relief Telethon)

Edmund attempts to rescue King Charles from being executed by the round-
heads.

"Tell the King that he's as safe as a fox being hunted by a pack of
one-legged hunting tortoises."

[Sir Edmund Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson) -- BLACKADDER:  THE CAVALIER YEARS]