685 lines
31 KiB
Plaintext
685 lines
31 KiB
Plaintext
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BOTTOM
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======
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by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall
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Series 1, Episode 6
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Accident
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========
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Richie Rik Mayall
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Eddie Adrian Edmondson
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Spudgun Steven O'Donnell
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Hedgehog Christopher Ryan
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Party guests Mark Williams
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David Lloyd
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Scene 1. The Flat.
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------------------
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[Morning. Eddie is sitting at the kitchen table. Richie comes in, singing.]
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Richie: Happy birthday to me,
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Happy birthday to me,
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Happy birthday dear Richie,
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Happy birthday to me.
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[pause]
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Happy birth-day to me,
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Happy birth-day... dear... Richie,
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Happy bi-irth-day to-o me!
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Eddie: Happy birthday Richie.
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Richie: Thank you. Rather a bumper crop of cards this year! Popular guy
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you see Eddie. Let's see, how many cards did you get for your
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birthday? Oh no no, of course, how thoughtless of me, 'cause
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you didn't get any, did you?
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Eddie: Only because you glued up the letterbox.
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Richie: Now that's just sour grapes Eddie, there was absolutely no
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proof that it was me.
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Eddie: Well, except you couldn't get your hands out of your pockets
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all day. Mind you, what's new?
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Richie: Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah! "May all your birthdays be happy ones, we
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like you more than Eddie." Ah-haa. That's nice, isn't it?
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"Terry Hardacre". Ah-ha ha ha ha ha ha haa, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,
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he's written a little joke. "Congratulations, it's your
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birthday, it's time for lots of fun."
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[Eddie joins in.]
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Both: "So roll this card up nice and tight and stick it up your bum."
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Richie: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha! He is a maaad man. Un-
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stoppable. Ah-ha-u--
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Eddie: That's the same card he sent last year, isn't it? Oh no, that's
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the same one he's sent for the last five years actually. The
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same joke as well.
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Richie: Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. Ooh! I wonder who this one can be from?
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Eddie: That looks like the one from Sue Carpenter.
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Richie: Eddie, you must be psychic! It is, it's from Sue Carpenter.
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Good old Sue. [kisses the card] Mmmmm-mmagh! Hah! I really
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must phone her up more often.
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Eddie: I don't think you should, Richie. They took out that
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injunction, remember?
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Richie: Ooh! Here's one from "All the lads on the Ark Royal"! Bless
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'em, they never forget an old serviceman.
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Eddie: By "serviceman" I take it you mean that time you got caught on
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board pretending to be the Captain, just to impress Ethel
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Cardew.
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Richie: It worked.
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Eddie: No it didn't, she got off with the arresting officer!
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Richie: Yeah, well, it worked for him! Anyway, stop trying to spoil my
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birthday. Look, it says here "Best wishes from all the lads on
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the Ark Royal."
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Eddie: But it's in your handwriting! You've been sending it to
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yourself for the last seven years! This one's from Rod Steiger,
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this one's from Abba, with "Happy Christmas 1973" written
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inside it, and this one's from "The people of the Soviet Union,
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in grateful thanks to Comrade Richie."
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Richie: It's in Russian.
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Eddie: You just put the R's the wrong way round.
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Richie: That's what Russian is!
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Eddie: Gaw! Every year we have to go through this ridiculous charade!
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Richie: God, you're weird aren't you? I mean, you're really weird. This
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is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year,
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isn't it? Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had
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to order you to cancel your birthday party!
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Eddie: You weren't ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted
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your face green. I knew it was a hoax, because the paint washed
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off when that enema backfired.
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Richie: Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends
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Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And
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there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the
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last twenty-five years.
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Eddie: Ah! What's that?
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Richie: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and
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die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!
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Eddie: It was just a joke!
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Richie: No it wasn't!... Was it?
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Eddie: Of course it was! I know these cards are genuine. The guys from
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the Ark Royal, General Pinochet, I mean how could you fake
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something like that, ah ha-ha-ha-haaah! I was joking! I'm
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sorry.
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Richie: Are you?
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Eddie: Yes.
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Richie: Well write it down then. Go on, there's a pen. Write down "I'm
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sorry". Write down "I'm sorry, I am a twat." Write down "I'm
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sorry, I am a twat" ten times. I shall wait for you by the
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television until you're ready.
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Eddie: [writing] "I'm sorry, I'm a twat."... "Ten times." Here you
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go.
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[Richie takes the paper and reads it. A terrible expression crosses his
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face. He controls himself and tears the paper up.]
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Richie: You're forgiven. And, you may come to my birthday party
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tonight.
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Eddie: You what? I was going out tonight!
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Richie: What?
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Eddie: Yeah, I was going out with my real friends.
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Richie: Well, well they can come too. So long as they bring a bottle
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and don't steal all my birds.
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Eddie: Well who on earth's coming to this party?
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Richie: Well, I don't know. Twenty or thirty of my close chums.
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Eddie: Who's confirmed?
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Richie: Oh Eddie, you're so old-fashioned, ha ha. Nobody confirms
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invites these days. They just, sort of, turn up when they feel
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like it. It's a very informal, easy-going sort of arrangement,
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I very much approve. It's a breath of fresh air if you ask me.
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Eddie: So no-one's confirmed.
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Richie: That's right. No-one. 'S great.
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Eddie: Hmm.
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Richie: Oh! By the way, Eddie! Ah-hha-hha-hha-hhhha-hha!
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[Richie thrusts his hand out towards Eddie.]
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Eddie: What are you doing now?
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Richie: [quietly] Happy birthday to me...
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Eddie: Hah! I see. Ha-ha ha. Happy Birthday Richie.
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[Eddie takes a small package from his pocket and hands it to Richie.]
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Richie: Oh Eddie, you shouldn't have! You know I don't like anyone to
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make a fuss of my birthday! It's a bit small, isn't it? Is this
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how much you value our relationship? Bu-- oh well, what the
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hell, I may as well be nice about it. Hah. Ooh, I wonder what
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it is? Ooh-hoo-ho, oohh it's a comb! It's my comb. It's my comb
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that I lost last week.
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Eddie: And now I'm giving it back to you! Happy Birthday!
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Richie: Look, this isn't some sort of joke you know. This is my
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birthday. You take this wrapping paper and you get me something
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good, or else.
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Eddie: All right. All right.
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[He picks something up, wraps it quickly and hands it over.]
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Eddie: Happy Birthday!
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Richie: Ooh-hoo-hoo, that's a bit more like it, that's bigger isn't it?
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Ooh, I wonder what it is, I wonder what it is... It's, it's the
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remote control from the television set.
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Eddie: That's right. What d'you want to watch, Birthday Boy?
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Richie: Right. That's it Eddie, this time you have really overstepped
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the mark. It's a fight.
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Eddie: Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present
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here.
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Richie: It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper.
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Eddie: Read it.
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Richie: "Madame Swish, three-thirty." Oh! Eddie! You haven't? Oh, what
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a pal you are. "Madame Swish". Ooh-err! Hohh, God, at last I'm
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really going to do it. And on my birthday as well! Ohhhggh, I
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wonder what she's like?
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Eddie: She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer.
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Richie: Really?
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Eddie: Yeah, she'll come first.
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Richie: What, before me? Good grief, that's quick. So she'll think I'm
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great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
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Eddie: Um, not exactly, I need a tenner.
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Richie: A tenner. Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?
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Eddie: Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way.
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Richie: Well, how many ways are there?
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Eddie: Well, you'll come first, second or third, won't you?
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Richie: Well how many people are going to be there?
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Eddie: Well, a few thousand.
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Richie: What?
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Eddie: Well it's Kempton.
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Richie: Kempton? I can't get down to Kempton by three-thirty!
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Eddie: You don't have to mate, it'll be on the telly!
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Richie: They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's
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watching?
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Eddie: Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?
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Richie: A horse?
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Eddie: Yeah.
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Richie: Madame Swish is, is, is a horse?
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Eddie: Yeah! Well what did you think it was?
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Richie: Oh no, nothing, nothing. Just checking.
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Eddie: I have given you a red hot tip.
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Richie: I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there!
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Eddie: That horse is an absolute cert mate, it's a fantastic birthday
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present.
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Richie: All right, I'm sorry Eddie, I'm sorry. I was just, just being
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silly. Well, how much should I put on it?
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Eddie: Give us twenty quid and I'll see what I can do.
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Richie: Okay. There you are old mate.
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Eddie: Thanks mate! Happy Birthday!
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[Eddie rushes out clutching the money.]
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Scene 2. The Flat, Later.
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-------------------------
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[Richie is on a ladder hanging up decorations. He is singing to himself.]
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Richie: Happy birthday to me, da da da,
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Hap-py birthday,
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Happy birthday to you,
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Happy birthday...
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[He looks up the skirt of the fairy he is holding.]
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Richie: Happy birthday to me.
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[Eddie comes barging in through the door, almost knocking Richie off his
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ladder.]
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Richie: Ooh, careful Eddie! Well, did we win?
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Eddie: Nope, we lost.
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Richie: Damn!
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Eddie: Only joking.
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Richie: You mean we won?
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Eddie: Yep indeedy-do!
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Richie: Fan-tastic! I knew I was great. What were the odds?
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Eddie: Ten to one.
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Richie: Ten to one! Ooh! Is that good?
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Eddie: Well, ah, you gave me ten, didn't you?
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Richie: Yeah.
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Eddie: So, you get one. Ten... to one.
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[Richie leans down and takes the coin from Eddie.]
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Richie: Brilliant! What a fantastic birthday present. Here, hang on,
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hang o-o-o-on! I gave you two tenners.
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Eddie: Ah, ha ha ha ha. Caught me out eh?
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Richie: Yeah, you don't get much past old Richie!
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Eddie: Yeah, you're right there! [grinning, tucks a wad of notes into
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his jacket pocket] Here's your other quid.
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Richie: Great! Two quid, I knew today was my lucky day! Toss it over.
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Huh, huh...
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[Richie grabs for the money and falls off the ladder.]
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Richie: Ow, oh God, oh... Shit, what's that doing there? Huh, Eddie,
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Eddie! Awww! Eddie, my legs pointing the wrong way!
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Eddie: Well point it the right way!
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Richie: Owww! Hw-awww! I can't!
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Eddie: Hang on, I'll give you a hand.
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[Eddie tries to push Richie's leg back into position, with terrible
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crunching noises.]
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Richie: Eddie, no!
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Eddie: Hang on, I'll try from a different angle.
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Richie: Okay... Haaaaghh!
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Eddie: It's no good, it won't budge.
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Richie: Get the ambulance!
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Eddie: We haven't got an ambulance. No, we don't need one because I've
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just had a fantastic idea.
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Richie: Oh God, oh God, oh God, I'll never walk again. I'll never play
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tennis. You'll have to carry me to the toilet. Hoorgh! You'll
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see my knob!
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[Eddie ties a rope between Richie's leg and the open door.]
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Eddie: Now, just relax, because you might feel a moment's discomfort.
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Richie: Okay.
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[Eddie slams the door. Richie is dragged across the room and bangs his head
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on the door. A decoration above falls and smashes on his head. Cut to a
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view of an ambulance's flashing blue light.]
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Scene 3. The Flat, Later.
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-------------------------
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[Eddie pushes Richie into the flat in a wheelchair. Richie's leg is in
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plaster.]
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Richie: Aargh! No, no! Forwards, Eddie, stop, stop, stop! I'm stuck,
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I'm stuck! Right, I'm fine here, just leave it here, that's
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fine Eddie. No!
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[Richie's plastered leg is stuck under the table. Eddie comes around and
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pushes it down.]
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Richie: That's fine, that's fine. Hoh, God, thank God we're home. I
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couldn't believe that nurse -- all I said was "Hello, have you
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seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney
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dish! Right, what time is it?
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Eddie: It's, er, exactly thirty seconds to seven o'clock!
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Richie: Is it? Damn! I've got no time to put on my "Girl Bait"
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underpants! Right, give us a count-down of the final few
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seconds, old mate.
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Eddie: Okey-dokey. Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
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[Eddie opens the door. There's no-one there.]
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Richie: Hiiiii--ahh. Right, well that's it, it's a disaster isn't it?
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Well, it's a simple equation, I haven't got any friends so I'm
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going to kill myself. Eddie, go upstairs and get the razor
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blades.
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Eddie: Right you are old mate. Er, what do you want, safety or non-
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safety?
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[Eddie goes upstairs. There is a knock on the door.]
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Richie: Oh no! Hurrah! They're here at last, ah-ha, playing the old
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"I'm late" gag to the hilt. Huh, what great mates I've got.
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Wait, I'm coming, I'm coming! Had an accident, I'm not very
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quick. Don't go. Don't go away. Here I am! Ung, ung, ung, ungh
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-- welcome one and welcome all! ...Who on earth are you?
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Spudgun: Erm, sorry, we seem to have come to the wrong house.
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Hedgehog: We're looking for Chopper Hitler.
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Richie: "Chopper"? Is there something I don't know, Eddie?
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Eddie: 'Allo boys, come on in!
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Richie: What?
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[Eddie pushes Richie aside. His plastered leg crashes through a door.]
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Eddie: Never mind him, he's just waiting for his mates to turn up.
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Right, here we got then, here's the punch, get stuck in.
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Spudgun: Thanks Eddie. Here, my wife's gone to the West Indies.
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Eddie: I didn't know that.
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Spudgun: Yeah, she went on Tuesday. Ah, it's funnier in the pub.
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Eddie: You not having a drink?
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Hedgehog: Well, we haven't got time, have we, not if we're going to this
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party.
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Eddie: No, I'm afraid this is the party.
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Hedgehog: Ah!
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Richie: Excuse me. Excuse me! Could you put that down please? Just put
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that down.
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Hedgehog: Why, what's wrong with it?
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Richie: Never mind that. Could I have your names please?
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Eddie: Richie! These are my friends that you said I could invite.
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Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog.
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Richie: Oh. Well. This is rather difficult for me because, you see,
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you've only really been half-invited. You're not on the "A"
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list. But, as it is my birthday, yes, I will let you stay. But
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I'm afraid I can't really let you stay properly, so, er, I'm
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going to have to ask you to go and stand in that corner please.
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Go on, quicker. Right, now that's fine. Now stay there. If you
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want to go to the toilet put your hand up. I'm just going to go
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and see if anyone's come yet.
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Spudgun: I see they've put up a new "Give Way" sign at the junction
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then.
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Eddie: Yeah.
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Richie: Excuse me, d-d-d-d-d-dddhh! Could you just keep it down a bit
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please? Good grief!
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Spudgun: Yeah, they, er, painted the road markings to match, did you see
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that?
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Eddie: Oh I did, yeah.
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Hedgehog: Yeah, I did too.
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Richie: For Christ's sake! Can't you keep a lid on it for a moment? I
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can't hear if anyone's knocking on the door or not. There could
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be thousands of the all queuing up on the stairs by now, oh
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Christ! I suppose I'll just have to go and check. And no
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wandering into the middle of the room while I'm away.
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[Spudgun puts up his hand just as Richie leaves.]
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Spudgun: Is he going to be a long time?
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Eddie: I'd do it in your glass mate.
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[Spudgun turns away facing the corner. Richie calls down the stairs.]
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Richie: Hello? Is anyone coming? [sighs]
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Happy birthday to me,
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Happy birthday to me,
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Happy birthday to me-e,
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Happy birthday to me.
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[He sighs, almost crying, and then has an idea. He calls down the stairs.]
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Richie: I'm sorry, you can't come in, it distinctly said on the invite
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no jeans! And you, where's your bottle? Well you can't come in
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either then. And you twenty birds -- I told you no bikinis!
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Bugger off! In fact I've decided none of you can come in.
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That's right, all two thousand of you, bugger off! I've decided
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I'd rather play with Eddie and his great mates. [knocks on the
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door] Yes? Well I don't care if you are Valerie Singleton in
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the nude, bugger off!
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[Richie slams the door and walks back into the room. Spudgun is holding a
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full glass.]
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Eddie: I think you should see a doctor, mate.
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Richie: Guys, guys! I have fixed it. Come on out of the corner -- I've
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fixed it so you don't have to stay there any more. I don't know
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if you overheard me at all or not, but I told everyone else to
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go away. Yeah, yeah, I did. I thought, you know, let's just
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have a nice little private party. Me, and Eddie, and his two
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great mates. I mean, we're the hard-core, aren't we? Come on,
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drinks all round. So, er, er, mate. Erm, tell me about this
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road sign -- sounds great!
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Spudgun: Is it all right to talk, Eddie?
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Eddie: Yeah.
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Spudgun: Well, they put up this new road sign which says "Give Way".
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But, like, the thing is, the old one said "Give Way" as well,
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so there's no real difference, they're just the same. So, what
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I was saying was, why did they put up the new one? And I mean
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everything would have been just the same.
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[Richie, nodding absently, suddenly notices Spudgun has finished talking.]
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Richie: Oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha ha haa! Fantastic, that's incredible!
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We're really the guys, aren't we? Hey, I know, let's all get
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completely drunk and play "Postman's Knock"! Where's that
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sherry?
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[He picks up Spudgun's glass and drinks. He gets about half-way through
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it.]
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Richie: It's a bit warm, isn't it?
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Spudgun: So, er, what's "Postman's Knock" then?
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Richie: Oh! Right. Well, well mate...
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[Richie picks out something from between his teeth. Spudgun looks away
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nervously.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: What's your name again?
|
|
Spudgun: Spudgun.
|
|
Richie: Spudgun. Why do they call you Spudgun?
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|
Spudgun: Well, give me a potato and I'll show you why.
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|
Eddie: Don't Richie, you don't want to see that.
|
|
Richie: Well, why do they call you Hedgehog?
|
|
Hedgehog: Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.
|
|
Eddie: Well, why don't we just move on eh? What are the rules of this
|
|
fantastic "Postman's Knock"?
|
|
Richie: Oh right, it's great! Right, all the birds sit round in a vast
|
|
circle, right? Then I go out in the hall and one by one all the
|
|
birds come out and snog me. Right, so we'll give that one a
|
|
miss shall we? I know, what about "Sardines"?
|
|
Spudgun: What about 'em?
|
|
Hedgehog: Well they're a kind of fish, aren't they?
|
|
Richie: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haa, that's right, they are! Ah ha ha
|
|
ha haa. We're all incredible, aren't we? Ha ha ha. What a great
|
|
time we're having. No, but let's be sensible for a moment and
|
|
sort out the rules. Right. "Sardines" is a game, right? One of
|
|
us goes outside and hides and all the others have to come and
|
|
look for him. But, when they find him, they hide with him. And,
|
|
they snog with him... If they want to... Er, if they're a bird,
|
|
right, which we're not. So we probably won't. Well, I don't
|
|
know, give it a try... no, we won't give it a try. Okay, so,
|
|
who wants to go and hide? [puts his hand up] Me! Ha ha,
|
|
fooled you there! Right, close your eyes and off we go. [to
|
|
Hedgehog] Close your eyes. Just stop peeking, will you! Look,
|
|
I know we're great mates but you've got to do things properly.
|
|
All right, okay, here goes.
|
|
|
|
[Richie wheels himself around the room trying to find somewhere to hide.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Ha, ungh, ungh, ungh, oh damn, ungh, no good. Um, um, ah, no...
|
|
Eddie, Eddie, you've got to take me upstairs and hide me in the
|
|
cupboard.
|
|
Eddie: What?
|
|
Richie: You've got to take me upstairs and hide me in the cupboard. I
|
|
can't get upstairs by myself.
|
|
Eddie: I can't get you up the stairs on my own!
|
|
Richie: Well, ask your great mates to help me.
|
|
Eddie: Ah, right, we've got to take him upstairs and hide him in the
|
|
cupboard.
|
|
Richie: No no, don't tell them, don't tell them! Just tell them to keep
|
|
their eyes closed, we're going somewhere secret.
|
|
Eddie: Right. Um, you've got to keep your eyes closed because it's a
|
|
secret that we're going to hide him in the cupboard. Okay?
|
|
Right, let's go.
|
|
|
|
[Spudgun and Hedgehog drop their glasses and stagger blindly towards
|
|
Richie.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Keep your eyes closed!
|
|
|
|
[They carry Richie up the stairs in his wheelchair.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Careful, careful! Left a bit here. Steady guys. Keep your eyes
|
|
closed. Eddie, keep your eyes closed. Come on, up we go, up we
|
|
go. Come on, this is supposed to be fun! Okay. Oh careful, yes,
|
|
keep your eyes closed, keep your eyes closed. Right, put me
|
|
down. Good, right, this is going to be great. Wheel me
|
|
backwards, backwards, backwards. Isn't it nice here in the
|
|
cellar? Ha ha.
|
|
|
|
[They push him into the cupboard on the landing.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Right, now keep your eyes closed, run downstairs and count to
|
|
ten before you start, okay? Ow!
|
|
|
|
[They close the cupboard doors on Richie's leg and stumble off downstairs.
|
|
Eddie falls over the banisters.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Right! One,
|
|
All: Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
|
|
Eddie: Right. Well that's us safe for a couple of hours. What d'you
|
|
fancy lads?
|
|
Hedgehog: Let's have a drink and watch the telly.
|
|
Spudgun: Good idea.
|
|
Eddie: Okey-dokey. Oh, great, look, it's "War and Peace"! And it's
|
|
only just started.
|
|
|
|
[They settle down with cans of beer. Fade down. Fade up.]
|
|
|
|
Spudgun: Oh, what a crap film. Knew it was going to end like that.
|
|
Hedgehog: How d'you know that?
|
|
Spudgun: I've seen it seventeen times.
|
|
Richie: [in the cupboard] Four hours twenty minutes! Fabulous! That
|
|
must be a new "Sardines" record. Wait 'til Norris McWhirter
|
|
hears about this!
|
|
Announcer: Now on Open University, "Medieval Population Distribution
|
|
Patterns in Lower Saxony."
|
|
Spudgun: What did medieval people do before telly?
|
|
Hedgehog: Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?
|
|
Eddie: No, before telly was invented.
|
|
Hedgehog: Oh, they had cock-fights.
|
|
Spudgun: No wonder they all got the plague.
|
|
Eddie: That's Bernard Manning, isn't it?
|
|
Hedgehog: No, that's Julia Somerville.
|
|
Eddie: Ah yeah, you're right.
|
|
Hedgehog: I've done it with her.
|
|
Eddie: What, Julia Somerville?
|
|
Hedgehog: Yeah.
|
|
Spudgun: Done what?
|
|
Hedgehog: Watched the news.
|
|
|
|
[Fade down. Fade up. The television is showing only static. Richie looks at
|
|
his watch.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Right, that's five hours up! Got to be in the "Guinness Book of
|
|
Records" by now! Where on earth is everybody? I know I'm great
|
|
at "Sardines" but this is ridiculous.
|
|
|
|
[Fade down. Fade up.]
|
|
|
|
Hedgehog: That's it ain't it? That's our telly done for the night.
|
|
Eddie: No, hang on, I've got me "Emmerdale Farm" compilation on video
|
|
if you fancy it.
|
|
Hedgehog: Not 'arf!
|
|
Eddie: All right, I'll get the drinks in.
|
|
Richie: [in the cupboard] Ah-hh ah-hh ah-hh, ah-hh ah-hh ah-hh-hah-hh!
|
|
|
|
[Fade down... Fade up. Spudgun is spread out on the sofa asleep; Richie and
|
|
Hedgehog are sitting on the coffee-table, bottles in their hands, watching
|
|
"Emmerdale Farm".]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: That's him, that's the one! Bastard! I hate him.
|
|
Hedgehog: Who?
|
|
Eddie: No, that one there! The extra. He never says anything, he just
|
|
drinks all day! Look at him, look! He's gonna buy another
|
|
drink!
|
|
Hedgehog: Is that his own money?
|
|
Eddie: No! No. They fill his pockets full of change, push him into the
|
|
Woolpack, and shout "Go on mate! Drink as much as you like!"
|
|
And then at closing time they give him a wage packet! Lucky
|
|
bastard!
|
|
Richie: [calling] I'm in the cupboard. [louder] I'm in the cupboard!
|
|
Eddie: Oh bugger. Sounds like he's rumbled our game.
|
|
Richie: Hello-oo!
|
|
Hedgehog: What a bastard.
|
|
Eddie: Well don't you worry. He can't get down the steps without us.
|
|
Richie: Yo-del-leidi-yoo-hoo -- aargh, arrg, whoarrgh! Oh, oh, oh --
|
|
uh, uuh, Eddie, my other leg! Eddie!
|
|
|
|
[Richie is in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, his other leg sticking
|
|
upwards strangely. Eddie and Hedgehog look through the doorway at him.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Here, Spudgun, come and have a look at this!
|
|
Richie: Ahh, ahh, arhhh -- no, no no!
|
|
Spudgun: Urrggh... urgggh... bluergghhh!
|
|
|
|
[Cut to a view of an ambulance's flashing light again.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scene 4. The Flat, Later.
|
|
-------------------------
|
|
|
|
[The flat is full of people, chatting and drinking. Music is playing in the
|
|
background. Eddie is telling a story.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: So, he fell off the ladder and broke his leg. [everyone
|
|
laughs] And then he had a bit of a motoring accident down the
|
|
stairs and broke his other leg! [more laughter] So I thought,
|
|
well, we've got all this spare booze, why not have everyone
|
|
round from the pub for a bit of a drink and a dance?
|
|
All: Yeah!
|
|
Spudgun: Here Eddie, do your impression again.
|
|
Eddie: All right, pass us that mop mate.
|
|
|
|
[Eddie takes the head off the mop and puts it on his head.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Right then. Obviously it'd be better with a lot of sweat.
|
|
Right. "Oh, oh, why won't anybody ever have it off with me?
|
|
Maybe it's because I'm a big fat ugly bastard with a
|
|
microscopic penis."
|
|
|
|
[Richie comes in, both legs in plaster, in his wheelchair. Eddie takes the
|
|
mop off his head quickly.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: Hello Richie!
|
|
Richie: What's going on here? Who are all these people?
|
|
Eddie: Um, these are all your friends, Richie. They turned up!
|
|
Richie: My friends? I don't know people like this.
|
|
Eddie: Well all right, they're my friends. But it's still your party,
|
|
no matter whose friends they are. Hey, everybody, the birthday
|
|
boy's here! Hooray!
|
|
|
|
[General indifference.]
|
|
|
|
Eddie: There you are, you see. Look how popular you are.
|
|
Richie: Yeah, yeah! This is my birthday party, isn't it? It's a bloody
|
|
brilliant one as well. Look, there must be a good, what, twelve
|
|
people here. All right, let's get organised!
|
|
|
|
[Richie pulls the plug on the record-player. It grinds to a halt.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Right, everybody, shut up, shut up! I'm here at last! Hello!
|
|
Right, now let's get things sorted out. I want all the boys on
|
|
this side with my birthday present, and all the cracking birds
|
|
on this side in an orderly queue ready to give me my big
|
|
birthday kiss. All right? Come on, come on, look lively, you're
|
|
supposed to be enjoying yourselves.
|
|
Man: We were.
|
|
Richie: Oh, you're the first one are you? Have you brought me a
|
|
birthday present?
|
|
Man: No.
|
|
Richie: Ooh, you'll have to have a birthday forfeit then.
|
|
Man: What do you mean, forfeit?
|
|
Richie: This.
|
|
|
|
[Richie punches him in the face.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Don't mess with the party animal! Hi bird! [to the man
|
|
standing with her] Get out, it's not your birthday. [to the
|
|
girl] Want to come for a ride with me? Hey, I'll tell you
|
|
what. I know it looks like it, but that's not my leg in there.
|
|
|
|
[The girl's companion advances threateningly towards Richie.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Ah, no no no no, you can't bash the birthday boy! Look at this.
|
|
See that?
|
|
|
|
[He flicks the man in the crutch.]
|
|
|
|
Richie: Right, everybody! Now I've decided what I'd like to do on my
|
|
birthday is play... Birthday Charades! So all you birds, come
|
|
on, get your blouses off! You're first, mate.
|
|
Girl: Ooh! Get your filthy hands off me, get off, get off!
|
|
Eddie: I think we should call the ambulance now, what do you reckon?
|
|
Man: What on earth are you doing with my bird? Watch it!
|
|
Richie: I was just trying to grab her -- who are you?
|
|
Man: Who are you?
|
|
Richie: Don't you know who I am?
|
|
Man: No. Well, I mean you're obviously some sort of arsehole, aren't
|
|
ya?
|
|
Richie: I'll tell you who I am, mate. My name is Richard Richard, the
|
|
birthday boy. And don't you ever forget it.
|
|
Man: Right. You're the birthday boy are you?
|
|
Richie: Yes.
|
|
Man: Well maybe we should give you the bumps.
|
|
Richie: Well yes, I think you jolly well should.
|
|
Man: Shall we give him the bumps?
|
|
All: Yeah!
|
|
Richie: No!
|
|
All: Come on, come on...
|
|
Richie: No!
|
|
All: One...
|
|
Eddie: Happy Birthday Richie, break a leg!
|
|
Richie: No, no -- hwooh, arrghh!
|
|
|
|
[Richie flies upward. His plaster shatters. The screen freezes on his face.
|
|
The credits roll.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
Transcription James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>. Last revised July 1994.
|
|
|
|
"Bottom -- The Scripts", a BBC book, contains full scripts to
|
|
Series One, including many lines that were cut for transmission.
|
|
Series One and Series Two are available on BBC videos.
|