318 lines
11 KiB
Groff
318 lines
11 KiB
Groff
//WWN.1
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--0-- ::WEAKLY WEIRD NEWS:: ::ISSUE 1::
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AN INTERNET TABLOID.
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--0.1-- ::COPYRIGHT INFO:: The following material may
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be freely copied, transmitted, printed, broken into
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pieces, mixed with other pieces, used for commercial
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purposes and plagiarized.
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--1-- ::GOVERNMENT ADMITS IT WAS RUN BY A UFO
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ALIEN::
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Recently released intelligence documents reveal the
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following.
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In the 1930s code name "New-man" appeared. He claimed
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to be from Hungary. Subsequent investigations revealed
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that he had never be near the place.
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It was noted that he drove his car as though it were a
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flying saucer. He could do sums in his head faster
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than any existing machine.
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He is credited with inventing the computer we use
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today. Then he invented another computer that we are
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only beginning to figure out. Some scientists say that
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"sillier automata" are the key to modeling the
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universe. Some even say it explains the game of life.
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He ran the government bureaucracy. Thirty years after
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his death the Star Wars program was initiated at his
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instigation. It was felt that it would be nice if we
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could fulfill his very last request and nuke the
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Russians.
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Was he a good alien or a bad one ? Agent X of an
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agency too secret to be identified is quoted as saying
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(off the record):"It might have been safer to drop him
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on Hiroshima along with the bomb he helped build."
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Why have we heard never about this man before ? What
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deep dark secrets is our government hiding ? What was
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his real name ? Why don't we teach about him in our
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public schools ?
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--2-- ::PAID ADVERTISEMENT::
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TRADITIONAL FOLK REMEDY LETS YOU EAT ALL YOU WANT WHILE
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LOSING 4 POUNDS A WEEK.
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The answer was known to our grandparents, but we have
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forgotten the wisdom of the ages.
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Tapeworms make wonderful companions.
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You begin to think of as pets who you want to feed
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well. Umm would they like that chocolate cake, how
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about two cakes ? Maybe a cherry pie. Sound good?
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About three hamburgers and a pizza, a double order of
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double fries. Let's wash it down with a couple
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milkshakes. Gee whiz you're still hungry. Forget the
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appetizers, let's get down to the main course. Isn't
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this the life style you've always dreamed of ?
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Learn about our franchising opportunities. You breed
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worms at home and sell them to your neighbors. Get
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our MANUAL OF HUMAN PARASITES (tm), the great how-to
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book that changes your life in ways you can't believe.
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Keep falling asleep at work ? Scabies and lice will
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keep you awake and jumping. You'll get a promotion and
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you will be real exciting in bed. Your lovers won't
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believe that it is you.
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And all without the use of harmful drugs.
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Did you know that Steven Jobs started a multi billion
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dollar computer company with the money he made from a
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flea circus. You could too, if you had as many fleas
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as he had.
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The opportunities are endless. Send us your life
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savings and we will generously give you a lot of bugs.
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--3-- ::THE DRAGON LADY SPEAKS::
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Okay girls its time for some frank, lets get real
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stuff. We need "WOMEN'S LIB", not this namby pamby
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"feminism" which tells us we're good, pure and sweet
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and turns us into victims.
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A lot of big bosses are bullies. They've been
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practicing since kindergarten. They find the things
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that make us quiver up and one of them is sexual
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harassment. A lot of "feminists" give into
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this blatant power play by acting as prudish and
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shocked as a sweet Victorian poet. They faint and have
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heart attacks and can't sleep for weeks at the
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statement that pubic hairs somehow always find their
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way into coke cans.
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The proper reaction is to crack up thinking about the
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only way that Clarence could have got his short hairs
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stuck on a quick pull tab. If you think about it, this
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means that either a particular part of him is very
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small or very shredded.
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Getting upset by perverts only excites them. They
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crave attention. Remember how they used to loudly
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fart back in fifth grade ? To take them to court is
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what they dream of. This way they show the world that
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they really did have a sex life, they actually got the
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attention of a real live girl. Ordinarily they
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have to pay a two bucks a minute to talk to one on the
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phone.
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Still jerks are jerks and sometimes you have got to
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shut them up. Remember men are much more vulnerable
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than women when it comes to humiliation. They go limp
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at the slightest criticism and then they go into the
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woods, beat on drums, dance naked with each
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other and drink a lot. God knows what happens after
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that. They call this "male bondage" and write books
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about iron johns and other porta-potties.
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You must be gentle. You can not provide the same level
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of crudity as men do. Still, the following sweet
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rebukes usually do the trick. Remember speak in a
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calm tone. Let the male know that you are making a
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friendly observation. You are saying these things
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because you care for him and would like to
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make him happy. This makes him feel less threatened.
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"If I were you, I'd get a castration. It did wonders
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for my dog."
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"Couldn't get it up again last night ?"
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"You really want something hard, big and hot up your
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bottom, don't you. I can always tell by the way you
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wiggle it."
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"Oh go back to the toilet and finish masturbating. You
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know it's the most important thing in your life. Don't
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let that big meeting stop you."
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"Oh I don't mind your big mouth at all. I understand
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its compensation for a small something else. Go ahead
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and be an insecure jerk. It's not your fault that you
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were born inadequate and still have a thing about your
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mom."
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"You should be happy that your wife found someone to
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satisfy her. Women need that, you know."
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Get the drift girls ? How bout you boys ? If another
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guy is being a jerk, then you can be a jerk. It hurts
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their ego even more when it comes from another male.
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And this kind of action will make you real popular with
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the girls.
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Sometimes a few words are not enough. You have to have
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a "hen party". Everyone pecks a little and before you
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know it there's just a little pile of fluff and a
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lingering odor that will live in your memory forever.
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At one company, the hot shot vice president asked every
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female for a date. Nobody agreed and suddenly work was
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a lot more of a hassle. Something had to be done.
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Here and there a mildly curious female worker asked a
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male "do you think he is gay." The male shook his
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head. After all the vice president was giving a real
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big score. He had even penciled it up in the mens
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bathroom. He would bring in girlie magazines
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and all the guys would stand around and get erections.
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Then they would unzip their pants to see whose was
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biggest. If that wasn't normal, redblooded American
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heterosexual behavior, then nothing was.
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But then the sly, little shy thing would continue.
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"But when he took Jenny out he insisted that they go
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see some male bikini dancers, you know one of those
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places where they don't let men in without a female
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escort. She thought he was doing it to get her
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aroused, but he seemed to enjoy the show more than she
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did. And he wanted to stay and see the next show.
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Barbara said when she went out with him, he spent all
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his time talking with a hairy, smelly biker they met
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in the bar. Then he dropped her off home
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and went some place real quick. Sherry says he can't
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get it up unless she wears a strap on and a fake
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moustache. And have you seen the way he
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stares at your rear. I think he really likes you."
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While male lust for females is accepted within
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corporate culture, male sexual interest in other males
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provokes immediate response.
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The vice president was soon unemployed. His wife
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divorced him and got all the property because the judge
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thought it criminal the way he had exposed her to the
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risk of AIDs. You can see him in a brown stained coat,
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mumbling to himself. Every once in a while he starts
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shouting "I am not gay ! I am not gay !" Passersby
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mutter "Sure buddy" and hurry on.
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Since his departure, corporate productivity has shown
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immense improvement.
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Sexual harassment is an equal opportunity pursuit.
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Women should practice it more often. It would do men
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good.
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--4-- ::YOU MAY BE TOO SMART::
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Researchers have come up with a startling conclusion
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which most people have suspected for years. American
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organizations want their employees dumb.
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According to brilliant scientists at a major university
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"Brains, creativity and the ability to figure out the
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bookkeeping pose a threat to our national leadership.
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These are insecure people who desperately want to be
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secure."
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The solution "Start your own business or go work for a
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Japanese company. If you can't do either of these,
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then watch a lot of television. Or else get a Phd."
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--5-- ::MONSTERS FOUND IN PEOPLES BRAINS::
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According Carl Jung, a dead Swiss psychic, our heads
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contain the seeds of dragons, gargoyles, drolls and
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other monsters stored in nerve tissue known as
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"archetypes". These little reptile eggs are passed
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down from generation to generation without anybody
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knowing it, but sometimes they emerge and make crop
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circles or kidnap people and perform genetic
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experiments on them.
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--6-- ::LUSH LIMPBOWEL SAYS::
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Lighten up America ! I'm just a chubby, not too bright
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guy who wanted to be a major entertainer and guess
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what? I am !
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I'm happy about everything. I don't want to shoot
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anybody. I even love those I disagree with because
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some of them are always saying or doing really dumb,
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asinine things that I can use on my show. Furthermore
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I even have a vague idea of what is written in the
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Constitution.
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But you should see some of my audiences. Spittle and
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spite don't begin to describe it. Some of these people
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are Germans waiting for a Hitler. Be thankful I'm not
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a George Wallace or a Spiro Agnew and all I want out of
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ranting is better ratings.
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Lighten up America ! Cause if you think I'm bad, you
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need a reality check.
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--7-- ::HELP WANTED::
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::WRITERS:: Individuals capable of maintaining our
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level of journalism are wanted. Hacks and liars only.
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Artists need not apply. Send submissions (under 1,000
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words) to:
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dbennett @ crl.com.
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::EDITORIAL PRACTICE::
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--7.1-- To save trouble and to show our adherence to
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traditional editorial arrogance, we will probably not
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inform you that we have published your work.
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--7.2-- If you wish correspondence from readers, please
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put your Internet address in the article. We are not
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in the mail forwarding business.
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--7.3-- We will rarely bother to edit or even read
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submitted work. However in some cases we will insert
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spelling and grammatical errors to make you look
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stupid.
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--7.4-- As far as we are concerned you are overpaid.
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Don't bother to write and tell us that we are not
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giving you a penny. As far as we are concerned that is
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way too much.
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--7.5-- We expect gratitude that we have gone to so
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much trouble to create the sort of environment that
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printed writers expect.
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--7.6-- We are an equal opportunity employer.
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