655 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
655 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
Der Weltanschauung Magazine (The WorldView) Origin: HOUSTON, TEXAS USA
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% Editor: The Desert Fox D E R %
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% Co-Editor: Cyndre The Grey %
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% W E L T A N S C H A U U N G %
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December 16, 1991 Volume 1, Issue 10
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(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)(*)
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Material Written By Computer And Telecommunications Hobbyists World Wide
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Promoting the publication of Features, Editorials, and Anything Else....
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To submit material, or to subscribe to the magazine contact one of the
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following net addresses below...
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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% Der Weltanschauung Distribution Site: %
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ % %
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~ Send $1.OO To: ~ %%%%%% The Dickinson Nightlight %
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~ ~ % (713)337-1452 %
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~ The SubGenius Foundation ~ % 3/12/2400 Bps *24 Hours/7Days %
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~ P.O. Box 140306 ~ % Fido: The Desert Fox@1:106/995 %
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~ Dallas, Texas 75214 ~ % InterNet fox@nuchat.sccsi.com %
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~ ~ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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The Needs Of The Many Outweigh The Needs Of The Few...Or The One
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-Spock
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"Let us arise, let us arise against the oppressors of humanity; all kings,
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emperors, presidents of republics, priests of all religions are the true
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enemies of the people; let us destroy along with them all juridical, political,
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civil and religious institutions."
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-Manifesto of anarchists in the Romagna, 1878
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@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
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The World View Staff: InterNet Address:
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The Desert Fox [Editor] / dfox@taronga.com
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Cyndre The Grey [CoEditor] / cyndre@taronga.com
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Bryan O' Blivion / blivion@taronga.com
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Rev. Scott Free / scotfree@taronga.com
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Modok Tarleton / rperkins@sugar.neosoft.com
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The Sorcerer (REV) / sorcerer@taronga.com
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Brain On A Stick / brain@taronga.com
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Houston, Texas...Honesty Is Our Only Excuse
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@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
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ERRATUM:
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In WorldView #9, my column made a reference to the
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upcoming XmasCon to be held here in Houston Dec. 27-29.
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Co-sponsorship of the con was erroneously attributed to the
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Legion of Doom. The actual sponsors of this event are
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Phrack and NIA (Network Information Access) magazines. As
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most of our readers are aware, the Legion of Doom no longer
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exists, and indeed for all practical purposes never did
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exist except as a paranoid fantasy in the minds of certain
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ambitious government employees.
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----Bryan O'Blivion
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NOTE: If you are receiving this publication for the first time, and you
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wish to continue getting it, please send mail to: dfox@taronga.com
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Also, I wish to apologize to those who got a bad copy of the last issue.
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Some were corrupted with Carriage Returns. We have no idea what the problem
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was, but we will attempt to ensure it does not happen again.
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-Editor
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@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
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1) Redefining The Modem User.............................PoleKat
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2) On The Subject Of Religion............................Cyndre The Grey
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3) Rambling Thoughts From The Long Absent................Rev. Scott Free
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4) SW Bell Rates (Missouri)..............................Biker Dude
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5) HoHo Con PSA..........................................NIA/DFx Intl.
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6) The Power Users Guide To Power Users..................Brad Templeton
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@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
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REDEFINING THE MODEM USER:
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HOW THE MEDIA TOOK TWO PERFECTLY HARMLESS WORDS AND RUINED THEM
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Computer telecommunication hobbyists always seem to find themselves
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being labeled by the media in ways which help spread fear and
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misunderstanding. For some reason, there is no term in the vernacular to
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describe someone who uses their computer and modem not as a tool to
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perpetrate illegal activities, but as an electronic link to the world.
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Whenever one comes along, it gets used in a way which always implies
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illicit behavior.
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"Hacker": From Computer Guru to Computer Terrorist
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The word "hacker" is already lost. When Stephen Levy's 1984 book
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"Hackers: Heroes of the Computer Revolution" was published, the word was
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used in a way that was devoid of the negative associations prevalent today.
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In fact, the blurb on the back cover of the paperback described hackers as:
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"Spellbound explorers totally committed to
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experimenting with the infinite new possibilities
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of the computer.."
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And Levy himself (in the Preface) described his subjects as "those computer
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programmers and designers who regard computing as the most important thing
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in the world." Levy was concerned that some were using the term as a
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derogatory one to describe someone who wrote bad code. This innocent
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definition of the word could be traced back to the days when MIT Model
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Railroad enthusiasts were described that way.
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But those days are gone. Listen to what the National Law Journal
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(September 16, 1991) noticed:
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"...there is a widespread public perception that so-called
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computer hackers get their kicks out of breaking into top-secret
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government computer systems and wreaking havoc with destructive
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programs called computer viruses."
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And Katie Hafner a computer crime journalist was quoted in Waldensoftware's
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Computer Newslink,( Autumn 1991, Vol. 6, Issue 1) as remarking:
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"With the release of the movie "War Games" in 1983, in which a
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teenager almost triggers World War III from his little home
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computer, the definition of hacker changed overnight. Suddenly,
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hacker took on a very negative connotation. Now it's defined in
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Webster's as somebody who tries to break into computers."
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The media has helped turn what was at one time considered a complimentary
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term into something that connotes violence, illegality and destruction.
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To be called a hacker today is an accusation. Through misuse, the media is
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warping the word even further. When Geraldo Rivera interviewed Craig
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Neidorf for his television show "Now it Can Be Told" he referred to Craig
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(an electronic publisher) as "The Mad Hacker." Geraldo's loose usage of
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the term ignores the fact that Craig was never accused of breaking into a
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system, or gaining illegal access anywhere.
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Cyberpunk: From Science Fiction to Sensationalism
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When William Gibson, Bruce Sterling and other science fiction writers
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began writing a new type of science fiction in the 1980's, critics searched
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for a way to describe it. They settled (to the disappointment of some of
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the very writers they were describing) on "Cyberpunk." The term still
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refers to a genre of science fiction. "Science fiction with an attitude,"
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is how the April 20, 1990 Washington Post described it. At the stretches of
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its usage, it describes a new world view which is composed of a collage of
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computers and information, of countercultural electronic expression.
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But, as happened before, the media decided that definition wasn't good
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enough. When Katie Hafner and John Markoff decided to write a book on
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computer crime, they stole the term for their cover. "Cyberpunk: Outlaws
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and Hackers on the Computer Frontier" was the result. Now, all of a sudden,
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Cyberpunk doesn't refer to a sci-fi or cultural movement, it refers to a
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cynical hacker. When asked to describe a "typical Cyberpunk" Hafner
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explains:
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"They are typically alienated suburban teenage boys who find an
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alternative world in computers. Pengo, who we wrote about in the book,
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is a pretty good example. He lives in Berlin and dresses in black.
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Then again, who in Berlin doesn't? But he was almost a caricature of
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himself. He smoked hand-rolled cigarettes. When he worked at his
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computer, he had his headphones on all the time listening to
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synthesized music. He started hacking when he was fifteen and by
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seventeen he started spying for the KGB by hacking over the networks."
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(Waldensoftware's Computer Newslink, August 1991)
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Even William Gibson, Cyberpunk's founding father, who wrote of
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cyberspace and a new society noticed it. "I've been credited of inspiring a
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whole new generation of techno-delinquents," he remarks in the February 19,
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1989 Boston Globe. If only we could hear Gibson's reaction two years
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later, when the term which once described his writing style is now being
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used to describe computer criminals.
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The word "Cyberpunk" had a real mystique to it. To turn it into a
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term to describe the "alienated suburban teenage boy" is to ruin some of
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that feel. Moreover, it serves to confuse and concern a public which is
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already paranoid and somewhat hysterical about anybody who admits to using
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a computer and modem for long periods of time. Responsible journalists
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should shy away from sensationalistic tactics like misusing an already well
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defined term like this.
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The Need for A New Word
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What is needed is new terminology. There are a myriad of totally
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legal and legitimate uses for modems and personal computers. People do
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everything online from perusing library card catalogs to meeting their
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perfect romantic match. On BBS's there are livid discussions of issues
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ranging from politics to religion -- from art to science. And online
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services like Prodigy and Compuserve are watching their user base swell
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annually. Soon, perhaps the media will accept a word that describes a
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person interested in communicating electronically without implying illegal
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activity. "Hacker" and "Cyberpunk" are ruined. "Modem Enthusiast" sounds
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too much like a term fresh from the pages of Reader's Digest. Hopefully,
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someone will provide us with a new term which truly describes the millions
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of modem users who "live, play and thrive" in cyberspace. Until that time,
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we can only sit and watch as the mainstream media stumbles along trying to
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understand and describe a phenomenon one gets the feeling it knows very
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little about.
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-- PoleKat (Austin, Texas)
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polekat@pro-smof.cts.com
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WWIVnet: 1@5285
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@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
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On the Subject of Religion...
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A commentary by: Cyndre the Grey
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In this day and age, year 1991, I see many religious sects emerging. I see
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the religions of old making a come-back (ie. Odinism, Wiccan, etc.), along
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with New Age religions and philosophies. While all this is going on, the
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Christian evangelists are condemning these religions and telling the pagan
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followers that they will "burn in Hell."
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This is what throws me off. I find it difficult to understand how one human
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being can sit in judgement of another. Just how do they know thy are right?
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Christianity has been trying to push its beliefs onto others for many years
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now. The crusades were made in the name of God and were one of the biggest
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blood-baths in history. "Thou shalt not kill" - Ten Commandments.
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Today Christian Tele-Evangelists are on the television all day and night
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demanding your money with the empty promise of great miracles they claim to be
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able to create. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors house (possessions) -
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Ten Commandments. Most of these "tele-saints" have been exposed as frauds,
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but there are still a few ignorant and insecure people desperately clinging
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to their self proclaimed saviors.
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The point I am trying to make in this commentary is that these Bible
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thumping porkers need to be more concerned about the blasphemy and
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corruption going on in their own church than what other religions are doing.
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Its about time they stopped trying to convert pagans and started trying to
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convert their own people! In closing, I will quote another line from the
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bible for those evangelists:
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"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
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-- This article was NOT written to blast all Christians, rather to expose
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those who use the religion to make profits at others' expense.
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Please send any comments and/or suggestions to:
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cyndre@taronga.com
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Cyndre the Grey [ASF]
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Member of the Pangean Party / Terran Initiative
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@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
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Rambling Thoughts From the Long Absent
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By: Rev. Scott Free
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Hello Friends!!!,
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I am very regretful of my absence in the last several issues of our
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candid little publication, but alas, life has been hectic.
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As you may recall in my previous editorials, I have pointed out the
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significant changes that are happening in our fast paced world. We here in
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the Good ole' US of A are experiencing a bit of a recession...this domestic
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strife is doubly depressing coming on the heals of the high the people have
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been on since the debacle in the Mid East <you remember that war?>
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Herr Bush has actually fallen in popularity, something almost
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unimaginable 6 short months ago. Without a good world crisis to distract the
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American public, people are actually realizing how fucked up things are here
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in the fatherland.
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Speaking of "Fatherland"...we are experiencing a dramatic increase in
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racist, religious right wing fanaticism. Lines are being drawn between the
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liberals and the conservatives and it is looking more and more like we who
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believe in freedom and so called "liberal" ideas are receiving the lions
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share of the blame for our present domestic strife.
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Right now, there are three contenders to the throne within the GOP,
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Reigning dictator George Bush, Pat Buchanan, and that lovable little Grand
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Wizard, David Duke. And I understand that Pat Robertson is even considering
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trying out for the GOP nomination to be President.
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Make no mistake, people are frustrated, and these potential leaders
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are all attempting, to some degree, to find a scapegoat to toss to the angry
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American consumer. And it looks like the liberal left is going to be that
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scapegoat.
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We have watched as freedoms have been steadily eroded over the reign
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of Reagan and Bush. The nomination and subsequent confirmation of Clarence
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Thomas to the United States Supreme Court was the latest and one of the most
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powerful blows against personal freedom.
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As election time draws closer it becomes more and more apparent that
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these attacks will continue, and if the conservatives successfully convince
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the American public that they are this countries only salvation, they will
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clinch another 4 years of power and be so firmly entrenched, we may just see
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the last of our freedoms eroded away.
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I make no bones about my liberal stance, and I have noticed that
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people of a conservative nature are becoming more and more hostile towards
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people of a liberal attitude.
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The things that give me hope are things like the growing feminist
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movement, the increased visibility of gay action groups and the growing
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dissent within the Republican Party. If the democrats can only find a
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candidate to capitalize on this, we might actually usurp the Republicans.
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Although I am pessimistic for the most part, I am still willing to
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get my hopes up. I am willing to hope that as freedoms continue to be
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stripped away, people will wake up and act to prevent the impending police
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state.
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I am certainly glad to be affiliated with this electronic news forum,
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and have the opportunity to speak out. These "Blows Against the Empire" are
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something I treasure more and more.
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It is vitally important to exercise our freedoms, lest the atrophy
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and go away for ever.
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THINK, ACT, VOTE...
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REV. SCOTT FREE
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@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
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SW Bell Rates
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By: Biker Dude #7 @9361 [WWIV Net]
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From: The Underground BBS [913-599-4136]
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Well, the they are at it again! Here in Missouri SouthWestern Bell is going to
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start charging business rates to all BBS', free and pay. This is wrong! I urge
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you ALL, whether you are residents of Missouri, or not, to write and or call
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your local Southwestern Bell, and the Missouri Southwestern Bell. I will post
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the addresses at the end of this message. They have tried this several times
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before, and failed. Let's make sure they never succeed at this! No matter where
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you live, if they succeed in hiking BBS line rates here, they will soon move you
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YOUR state, and the BBS community will no longer be free, but they
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will all be PAY, or NONE at all!!! Call and/or write them, whether you live in
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Missouri or not!
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Southwestern Bell Telephone Company
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100 North Tucker Boulevard
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St. Louis, Missouri 63101
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Missouri Public Service Commission
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P.O. Box 360
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Jefferson City, Missouri 65102
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Missouri Public Council
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P.O. Box 7800
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Jefferson City, Missouri 65102
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Southwestern Bell of Missouri
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1-572-1300 (Missouri 816-913)
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Look on your phone bill for your local service number, and connect with the
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complaint department. Good luck fellow modemers!
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@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
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NIA & Phrack Magazine, & dFx International Digest Are Proud To Present:
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The Second Annual
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X M A S C O N
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Who: All Hackers, Journalists, Security Personnel, Federal Agents, Lawyers,
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Authors and Other Interested Parties.
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Where: Houston Airport Hilton Inn
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500 North Belt East
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Houston, Texas 77060
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U.S.A.
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Tel: (713) 931-0101
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Fax: (713) 931-3523
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When: Friday December 27 through Sunday December 29, 1991
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Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you read it right... Xmascon has returned! This
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will undoubtedly be the telecom event of the year. Unlike certain conferences
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in the past, Xmascon 91 has a devoted and dedicated staff who are putting in
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an unmentionable amount of time to ensure a large, vast and organized
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collection of some of the most diversified people in the telecommunications
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world. The event will be open to the public so that anyone may attend and
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learn more about the different aspects of computer security.
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Hotel Information
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-----------------
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The Houston Airport Hilton Inn is located about 6 miles from Intercontinental
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Airport. The Xmascon group room rates are $49.00 plus tax (15%) per night,
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your choice of either single or double. There are also 7 suites available,
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the prices of which vary from $140 to $250. You can call the hotel to find
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out the differences and availability of the suites, and you will also NEED to
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tell them you are with the Xmascon Conference to receive the reduced room
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rate, otherwise, you will be paying $69.00. There is no charge for children,
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regardless of age, when they occupy the same room as their parents. Specially
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designed rooms for the handicapped are available. The hotel provides free
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transportation to and from the airport, as well as neighboring Greenspoint
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Mall, every 30 minutes on the hour, and on call, if needed. There are 2
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restaurants in the hotel. The Wicker Works is open until 11:00 pm, and The
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Forty Love is open 24 Hours. There will also be breakfast, lunch and dinner
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buffets each day. There is a piano bar, The Cycle Club, as well as a sports
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bar, Chaps, which features numerous table games, large screen tv, and a disco
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with a DJ. Within the hotel compound, there are 3 pools, 2 of which are
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indoors, a jacuzzi, a miniature golf course, and a fully equipped health club
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which features universal weights, a whirlpool and sauna. A car rental agency
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is located in the hotel lobby, and you can arrange to pick your car up at
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either the airport or the hotel. Xmascon attendees are entitled to a
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discounted rate. Contact the hotel for more information.
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Xmascon will last 3 days, with the main conference being held on Saturday,
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December 28, in the Osage meeting room, starting at 12:00 p.m. and continuing
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on throughout the evening. This year, we have our own complete wing of the
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hotel, which is housed around a 3,000 square foot atrium ballroom. The wing
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is completely separated from the rest of the hotel, so we are strongly
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encouraging people to make their reservations as far in advance as possible
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to ensure themselves a room within our area.
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Why To Contact Us, And How To Do It
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-----------------------------------
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We are hoping to have a number of people speak on a varied assortment of
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topics. If you would like to speak, please contact us as soon as possible and
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let us know who you are, who you represent (if anyone), the topic you wish to
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speak on, a rough estimate of how long you will need, and whether or not you
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will be needing any audio-visual aids.
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There will be a display case inside the meeting room which will hold items of
|
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telecom interest. Specific items that will be available, or that we hope to
|
||
have, include the first issues of 2600, Tap, Mondo 2000, and other magazines,
|
||
non-computer related magazines that feature articles of interest, a wide
|
||
array of boxes, the Quaker Oats 2600 mhz whistle, The Metal AE, etc. We will
|
||
also have a VCR and monitor set up, so if you have any interesting videos
|
||
(such as the Unsolved Mysteries show featuring Kevin Poulsen), or if you have
|
||
anything you think people would enjoy having the chance to see, please let us
|
||
know ahead of time, and tell us if you will need any help getting it to the
|
||
conference. If all else fails, just bring it to the con and give it to us
|
||
when you arrive.
|
||
|
||
Media support has been very strong so far. Publications that have agreed to
|
||
print pre-conference announcements and stories include Computer World, Info
|
||
World, New York Times, San Francisco Chronicle, Austin Chronicle, Houston
|
||
Chronicle, Independent Journal, Mondo 2000, CuD, Informatik, a leading
|
||
Japanese computer magazine, NME, Regeneration (Germany), and a few other
|
||
European based magazines. PBS stations WHNY, WNET, and KQED, as well as the
|
||
stations that carry their syndicated shows, will be mentioning the conference
|
||
also. If you are a journalist and would like to do a story on Xmascon 91, or
|
||
know someone who would, contact us with any questions you may have, or feel
|
||
free to use and reprint any information in this file.
|
||
|
||
If anyone requires any additional information, needs to ask any questions,
|
||
wants to RSVP, or would like to be added to the mailing list to receive the
|
||
Xmascon updates, you may write to either myself (Drunkfux), Judge Dredd, or
|
||
Lord Macduff via Internet at:
|
||
|
||
nia@nuchat.sccsi.com
|
||
|
||
Or via US Mail at:
|
||
|
||
Hard Data Corporation
|
||
ATTN: HoHo
|
||
P.O. Box 60695
|
||
Houston, Texas
|
||
77205-9998
|
||
U.S.A.
|
||
|
||
|
||
We will hopefully have an 800 mailbox before the next update is sent out. If
|
||
someone cares to donate a decent one, that will stay up throughout the end of
|
||
the year, please let us know. We should also be listing a few systems as an
|
||
alternative form of reaching us.
|
||
|
||
Xmascon 91 will be a priceless learning experience for professionals, and
|
||
gives journalists a chance to gather information and ideas direct from the
|
||
source. It is also one of the very few times when all the members of the
|
||
computer underground can come together for a realistic purpose. We urge
|
||
people not to miss out on an event of this caliber, which doesn't happen very
|
||
often. If you've ever wanted to meet some of the most famous people from the
|
||
hacking community, this may be your one and only chance. Don't wait to read
|
||
about it in all the magazines, and then wish you had attended, make your
|
||
plans to be there now! Be a part of our largest and greatest conference ever.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Remember, to make your reservations, call (713) 931-0101 and tell them you're
|
||
with Xmascon.
|
||
|
||
In closing... if you miss this one, you're only cheating yourself.
|
||
|
||
-- Drunkfux
|
||
|
||
@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
|
||
|
||
|
||
THE POWER USER'S GUIDE TO POWER USERS
|
||
|
||
By: Brad Templeton
|
||
|
||
Power Users never read their software manuals; instead they get
|
||
petty cash from their secretaries and use it to buy books which
|
||
contain the phrase "Power User" on the cover. They then keep the
|
||
receipt, to claim against tax.
|
||
|
||
Software manufacturers write their manuals badly, and in computerese,
|
||
in order to con Power Users into buying the manual ("XYZ for the
|
||
Power User!") a second time. This extra revenue compensates the
|
||
manufacturers somewhat for all the people who pirate their software
|
||
and then buy Power User Guides to replace the manuals they never
|
||
had...
|
||
|
||
Power Users never read their "Power User's Guide to ..." books,
|
||
for the same reason they didn't read the software manuals in the
|
||
first place. They do however skim the first two chapters, in which
|
||
they make copious annotations (e.g. underlining phrases like "to get
|
||
a directory listing, type 'DIR C: <enter>'. Note do not type the
|
||
word '<enter>', or the quotes.")
|
||
|
||
Power Users get their companies to buy them 130MHz 80586 PS/4s with
|
||
100MB RAM and 5-gigabyte optical drives, which they bring home:
|
||
|
||
- to run Lotus 1-2-3G spreadsheets, producing PostScript graphs
|
||
of their mortgage repayments;
|
||
|
||
- to DTP stern memos forbidding their Real Programmers from using
|
||
unregistered shareware and PD utilities at work. For this task,
|
||
they get their computer upgraded with a 4096x4096, 12 billion colour
|
||
hyper-VGA video display, and the memo employs a minimum of seven
|
||
different fonts, plus bolding and italics, with at least five
|
||
revisions to correct spelling errors, and to order the Cc: list
|
||
in the most politically acceptable manner), and
|
||
|
||
- to play pirate copies of Tetris and PC-Golf which they haven't
|
||
realized are infected with a virus.
|
||
|
||
Power Users scold their children for referring to their machines as
|
||
personal computers. "It's NOT a PC, Jimmy, it's my Professional
|
||
Workstation, No Intergalactic Space Zombies for you tonight! Now, go
|
||
to your room!"
|
||
|
||
Power Users get an identically equipped PC at work, so they can do
|
||
the work they would do at home, if only ten-year-old Jimmy would stop
|
||
playing Intergalactic Space Zombies for five consecutive minutes. The
|
||
money for this PC comes out of the Real Programmers' software tools
|
||
budget for the next three years.
|
||
|
||
Having worked out their mortgage repayments for the next 100 years,
|
||
and having failed consistently to beat ten-year old Jimmy at
|
||
Intergalactic Space Zombies, Power Users never touch their computers
|
||
again; at work, they keep themselves occupied in meetings, so nobody
|
||
will see them staring blankly at their PC screen. Meanwhile, the Real
|
||
Programmers who work for them struggle by with aging IBM PCs (the
|
||
originals ones, with a grudgingly-added Tallgrass disk drives -
|
||
yuck!)
|
||
|
||
Rather than read their "Real Users Guide to..." books, Power Users
|
||
turn to their ten-year-old kids for technical advice ("yes, Jimmy,
|
||
I understand that, but how do I get the directory on the _D_ drive?")
|
||
|
||
Power Users get frustrated when they press the 'Print Screen' key and
|
||
nothing happens: they thump it a dozen times before realizing they've
|
||
left the printer off-line.
|
||
|
||
Power Users sneak their children in outside office hours to work out
|
||
why their spreadsheet figures don't add up and the Chairman's end-of-
|
||
quarter report is due tomorrow.
|
||
|
||
In a strange twist of human psychology, the ten-year-old children of
|
||
Power Users think that when they grow up, they'll become Real
|
||
Programmers and make shit loads of money writing a game better than
|
||
Intergalactic Space Zombies. (Sadly, they end up chugging out
|
||
accounting software for Power Users.)
|
||
|
||
Power Users could master any PC application, if only they could figure
|
||
out how to start it ("Uhhhm, it must be on this menu somewhere..".)
|
||
|
||
Power Users attend innumerable Power User courses, where they get a
|
||
set of loose-leaf binders of notes they never read (but whose titles
|
||
in genuine imitation gold leaf look impressive beside the "Power
|
||
User's Guide to..." books which now accumulate a thick layer of dust
|
||
on the shelf). They also drink a lot, and commiserate with each other
|
||
how their Real Programmer subordinates are a bunch of overpaid,
|
||
long-haired layabouts who can't be coerced into wearing shirts and
|
||
ties, never mind a suit; and of course to swap Power Techniques like
|
||
how to format a 360k disk in a 1.2MB drive and thus get more than 360k
|
||
of data onto it ("I'll have my secretary call IBM Technical Support
|
||
about all the bad sector things I'm getting on this disk.")
|
||
|
||
Power Users carry a pocket calculator for working out the cell values
|
||
in their Lotus spreadsheets ("Um, I guess I didn't get to the section
|
||
on formulas yet in my 'Power Users Guide to Lotus 1-2-3'".)
|
||
|
||
Power Users think "Your computer is stoned" is part of the DOS copyright
|
||
banner.
|
||
|
||
The ten-year-old children Power Users mischievously stick pieces of
|
||
cheese into every crevice of their parent's mouse, not realizing that
|
||
this causes testicular problems later in life (for the MOUSE, twit!).
|
||
|
||
Power Users don't think that last joke was funny.
|
||
|
||
Power Users get their secretaries to call IBM Technical Support to fix
|
||
their defective mouse, because they're too embarrassed to asked any of
|
||
their Real Programmer subordinates how to open it to remove the cheese.
|
||
|
||
When nobody is looking, Power Users pretend their mouse is a toy car,
|
||
and race it around the desk.
|
||
|
||
Power Users keep a large box of tissues on their desk to wipe the
|
||
saliva off the screen after playing Test Drive (BRRRRRM! BRRRRRM!)
|
||
|
||
Power Users can't figure out how to make their modems stop auto-answering,
|
||
so they always lunge on their phone when it rings in an effort to beat it.
|
||
They're never fast enough, and spend the first 30 seconds of the
|
||
conversation apologizing, while the modem auto-ranges, and they
|
||
earnestly promise that they'll have their secretary call IBM Technical
|
||
Support to have the problem rectified.
|
||
|
||
Power Users panic when they lose those dumb keyboard templates that
|
||
come with programs like Turd Perfect (which are too brain-dead to have
|
||
a decent user interface). They invariably mix up the templates when
|
||
switching between programs.
|
||
|
||
Power Users have problems with Windows, when they have two or more
|
||
applications running, but room for only one keyboard template.
|
||
|
||
Power Users buy those dumb mice that have a nearly full ASCII keyboard
|
||
built-in to them ("Swiss Army Mouse (tm)").
|
||
|
||
Power Users believe computer salesmen.
|
||
|
||
Power Users will buy ANY program that makes wild promises on the box
|
||
about increasing productivity. These boxes always look impressive on
|
||
the bookshelf, beside the "Power User" books and course notes.
|
||
|
||
Power Users use MicroJerk ProjectMeister to schedule their wife's
|
||
pregnancy, and get confused when they can't work out how to assign
|
||
tasks and set milestones. They try to persuade the obstetrician to
|
||
induce labour when she's late.
|
||
|
||
Power Users unreservedly believe their MicroJerk ProjectMeister when
|
||
it says the project will be complete at 5pm on the last Friday in
|
||
September next year, but eighteen months later, they won't believe the
|
||
Real Programmer who says it'll be done "Real Soon Now (tm)".
|
||
|
||
Power Users believe the ads for 4GLs and Application Generator
|
||
packages, and think that in two weeks they'll be able to fire all
|
||
their Real Programmers. (Ha ha ha... remember "The Last One"?)
|
||
|
||
@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@-==-@
|
||
|
||
|