198 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
198 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
[[[[[ Abraxas ]] [[[]]]] [[[[[ ]]]]] [[[[[]]]]] [[[[[]]]]]
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[[ [[ ]] [ [ ] ] [[[ ]]] [] [[ [] ]]
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[[ [[ ]] [ [ # ] ] [[ [[]] ]] [] []
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[[ ]] [ [ 9 ] ] [[ [] ]] [] []
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[[ ]] [ [ ] ] [[ ]] [] []
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[] [[[[]]] [[[[ ]]]] [[[[[]]]]] []
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(This one is for those who dared to dream and wonder "Where did Vomit come
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from, and can I send it back?)
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Number nine. (Ahhh!!! Chaos!!!) Number nine. (Ahhh!!! Screams!) Number
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nine. (Ahhhh!!!) I'm gonna use this issue of Vomit as a review of sorts. I
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don't think that I'm gonna use this issue to write down some of my stand-up
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material. This will be an unorthodox Vomit. Look! Those two lines are almost
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the same! They are bound by the same cosmic forces that possess underwear
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manufacturers to make most underwear the most stainable color in the universe:
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White. Why? Why did they decide on white for the standard? I tell you one
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thing, when I get big, and Vomit Co. acquires Fruit of the Loom, there's gonna
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be some changes in the underwear industry. First of all. Standard issue
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underwear will not be white. It will be two colors. The back will be a
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brownish color, and the front will be yellow. This makes more sense. That way,
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your mother will not easily find your nocturnal emission stains. If you have a
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neurotic Jewish mother, however, the change in underwear color will not thwart
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her intentions to ruin your life. She will send each pair of your skivies to
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the FBI forensic labs. Then she will learn that you are capable of ejaculation
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and have your penis removed."Oy vey! I should have blinded the Rabbi before he
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circumsized you!" Well, despite what I said earlier, this issue is not turning
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out to be a review. It's more of my god damned babble. Get back on track, man.
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OK, I'm gonna tell you how things are going at Vomit. Anyway, I keep writing
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these damned issues in hopes that Biafra, the official Vomit distributor, will
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eventually get off his lazy ass and start giving these to people. At this
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writing about three people have read Vomit through Biafra's distribution.
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Since Biafra is too lazy to mail these things to people, I began giving them
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to people at school. Vomit #8 is everybody's darling. Everyone loves that one.
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They read it, and look at Mike as they read it, and just laugh and laugh. I
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even give out Vomit #8 to people in classes that I have with Mike. Everyone
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laughs there asses off saying "What a dork! Ahaha!" while he sits there going
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"Who are you talking about?! Is that my autobiography?" Then he looks over
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people's shoulders trying to read how I slandered his little self-profile, and
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then people smack him in the stomach and he goes and sits in the corner
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rolling up characters for D&D. Wait. Scratch that last remark. I made a
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mistake. I meant to say "ADVANCED D&D" not just simply "D&D". Anyway, the kids
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at school like Vomit, which makes me feel very cool. It shows that Vomit has
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enormous potential to gain an occult following if that lazy Biafra kid would
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distribute it to net people. I mainly write this 'zine for computer dorks like
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myself and Biafra, but it still has appeal among jocks, sluts, nerds, weirdos,
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spazzes, and everyone else that doesn't fall into these broad categories. I'm
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gonna make a FAQ now.
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Q: Why do you write Vomit if Biafra never gives it to anyone? Isn't it just a
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big waste of time if just you and the losers at your school read it?
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A: I write Vomit because I hope that someday Biafra will come to the
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relevation that a distributor's job is to distribute. I think that once
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Biafra gives this 'zine to people, it will become enormously popular, just
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because I'm so cool, witty, and funny.
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Q: Why don't you just get rid of Biafra?
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A: I don't get rid of Biafra because he won't put out anymore if I fire him.
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I also have very limited net access and no IRC access, so Biafra is the
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only one who can distribute it. AND ANOTHER THING! Me and Biafra founded
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this magazine together. It's a brotherly bond that's tighter than nipple
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clamps. Biafra also knows more about the inner-workings of 'zines than I
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do.
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Q: You're lying. The only reason you don't fire him is because you fear the
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physical abuse that he will dish out to you if you fire him.
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A: No way. I could wreck Biafra. I could wreck you. Look at my 3" biceps!
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Q: Why did you start writing Vomit?
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A: That's a very good question. This is how it went down. Me and Biafra have
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one class together in school: Electronics. Anyway, our teacher gives us an
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A no matter what, so we usually just sit around doing next to nothing.
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(Personally I liked connecting little lights called LEDs to batteries and
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watching them fry and pop, and burn, and smoke from the excess of
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electricity that I sent into them.) Biafra just hung around blabbing about
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his exciting adventures on the IRC. Anyway, one day Biafra brought in this
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'zine called "y0lk" because he said that the writer, Creed, reminded him a
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lot of myself. I wasn't too impressed with the issue that he brought in.
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Anyway, Biafra began bringing in stacks of printer paper filled up with
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y0lk issues. I did like some, and I did note a striking similiarity in the
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way that the writers of y0lk always bitch about how much life sucks, and the
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way that I bitch. (You may not notice the similarity because I don't use my
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'zine to bitch about my stupid family, but take my word for it, when I
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bitch about my stupid parents and siblings, it sounds a lot like y0lk.)
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Anyway I said "Hey hey hey! I'm funny! I hate life! I'm nocturnal like
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other 'zine writers! Why don't we make a 'zine Biafra?" Biafra then mumbled
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something that I assumed was an "ok". Well, nothing really happened, so I
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said "I know, I'll write for y0lk!" So I wrote Vomit #2 for y0lk. Then
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noting happened, and I didn't really feel like giving up my literary
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masterpiece to another 'zine, so I decided to make my own 'zine. Of course
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Biafra was in on it. So we tossed around some names. Came up with "Vomit".
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Then Biafra, just to prove his dedication, changed his answering machine
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message to a recording of a guy vomiting. (Biafra's Number is (XXX)YOU-ARE-
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NOT-L33T-ENUFF-TO-CALL) That's how Vomit came into this sorry world.
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Q: Wow. You really bored me with that response. I barely skimmed your answer.
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A: Hey, you asked, dipshit! Any more questions?
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Q: I'm afraid after that last load of shit you dumped on me.
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A: Bite my hairy pale white ass!
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Q: How come you have no E-mail address?
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A: Because I'm too cheap to pay for internet access. I just enter fake credit
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card numbers on AOL for shitty limited internet access. Then I go to some
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schmucks in the new-member lounge and say "Hey, what's your password?"
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"AOL r00lz!" "Thank you. See you online!" Then I use that schmuck's account
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for a month. I'm evil. EVIL!!! So you see, if I gave you an E-mail address
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it would be gone before you had time to mail me a death threat. "You ripped
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off y0lk man! I'm gonna toilet-paper your trees, dump on your lawn, and
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kill your pets!"
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Q: AOL is for l4m3rz!
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A: Sure it sucks, but you can't beat the price of $0.00 a month.
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Q: Why do you think you're so funny? I never laugh when I read Vomit.
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A: I know that I'm funny because people giggle whenever I walk by.
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Q: How come you know so much about the world of the 3l33t?
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A: I used to call lots of private bbs's filled with those oh-so-cool Elitos.
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And I don't make fun of them just 'cause y0lk does. I've been making fun
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of them for a long long time. Long before you even got your first ware,
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l4m3r.
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Q: Do you like asking yourself questions, and then replying?
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A: What do you mean by that?
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Q: What the hell does your handle mean?
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A: Well, back in seventh grade I was in a "heavy metal" band with some friends
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of mine. (I played keyboard! We rocked!) Anyway, I needed a tough Heavy
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Metal name that would make people say "Wow. What a tough name. I won't mess
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with that 12-year-old!" So I was looking in the dictionary. I came across
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"Abracadabra". I saw that it came from the Latin word "Abraxas". I fell in
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love with "Abraxas" and instantly ejaculated all over the page. (To this
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day no one can unstick those pages.) Then I found out that Abraxas was the
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name of some universal god. Wowie zowie! Then, my name seemed even cooler
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when I found out that there was a virus called "Abraxas".
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Q: Where the hell is Vomit 6?
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A: I buried it in a time capsule that will be opened in the year 2079
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Q: Why don't you make your issues shorter? They never hold my interest for the
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whole length.
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A: Hey! If you don't like it, then don't read it!
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Q: OK, I won't!
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A: I didn't mean that! I'm sorry! Come back!
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Q: How come you never talk much about yourself, with the exception being this
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issue?
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A: 'Cause I barely give a damn about my life, so I know that you won't. I will
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make a "Just who is the little boy called Abraxas?" FAQ if I get some
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positive feedback. So far we've gotten no feedback because NO ONE HAS READ
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ANY ISSUES.
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Q: What can we expect to see in Vomit for the future?
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A: As of this writing we have a web page set up, but it's not |<-r4d enough
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for the public yet. When Biafra gets off his ass and fixes up the page
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you'll all get to visit "Vomit: The Homepage". I also might get my own
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e-mail address so instead of mailing Biafra and saying "Tell Abraxas that I
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think he sucks" you can just mail me directly saying how much I suck. I
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also think we'll get some more writers. Right now we have one: ME. Oh sure,
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Biafra says he's a writer, but he's written one. WildFire was just a guest
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writer, but if he really trains hard, says his prayers, and eats his
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Hulkamania vitamins he might become a full-time Vomit writer. Maybe we'll
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get Mike's rebuttal to Vomit #8 for a Vomit issue. I'm sure you'd all enjoy
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that. I also hope to get READERS in the future.
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VOMIT Index
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Vomit 1..................................................................Intro
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Vomit 2....................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
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Vomit 3...........................................................Masturbation
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Vomit 4.............................................................The Smurfs
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Vomit 5..............................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street
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Vomit 6...........................................................John Is Dead
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Vomit 7..............................................................My Sheets
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Vomit 8...........................Michael Jerome Vioreanu: A Study in Loserdom
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Vomit 9............................Tighty-whities & Useless trivia about Vomit
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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