78 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
78 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
[[[[[ Abraxas ]] [[[]]]] [[[[[ ]]]]] [[[[[]]]]] [[[[[]]]]]
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[[ [[ ]] [ [ ] ] [[[ ]]] [] [[ [] ]]
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[[ [[ ]] [ [ # ] ] [[ [[]] ]] [] []
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[[ ]] [ [ 4 ] ] [[ [] ]] [] []
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[[ ]] [ [ ] ] [[ ]] [] []
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[] [[[[]]] [[[[ ]]]] [[[[[]]]]] []
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(Three apples tall)
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==============================================================================
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Hey there, Vomitrons. I'd like to speak to you about something that
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has been bothering me and I need to get off my chest. I'd like to talk about
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something from all of our pasts: The Smurfs. Remember them? Those little blue
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Nazis? They bug me. They are my worst memory of the 80's. I'll tell you why.
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First of all, they were blue. Doesn't blue skin denote poor blood
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circulation? Maybe their lack of proper blood flow made them so small. Maybe
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they were all nicotine and caffeine junkies, so their arteries all shrunk to
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nothing. And why were they always shirtless? Why didn't they have nipples?
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Another thing that I always thought was inappropriate about them was
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the fact that they wore rubbers on their heads. Now since they were all nazis,
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and looked the same, they all had the standard Trojan-issue white condom on
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their blue heads. There were two exceptions. Perhaps the producers decided
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that plain white condoms could get very monotonous, as many married couples
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do, so they decided to spice things up a bit by giving Papa Smurf a
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cherry-flavored condom. That's why his was red. The other exception was the
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banana flavored yellow condom worn by Grandpa smurf.
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Then there was Smurfette; The only girl among them. I wonder what she
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she did for a living... She was quite a whore, or would she be called a Smore?
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Living in her Smore-house servicing all those Nazis, the little skank.
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One thing that disturbed me a little was the name of one of the
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Smurfs: Handy...... Gee, I wonder why they called him that. He's probably the
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only one who didn't need Smurfette.
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Then there's those little blue blobs stuck to all their asses. There
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are many popular theories about what these little blobs were. I'll only
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discuss the feasible ones. The most popular theory is that they are simply
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tails. I think not. That's what THEY want you to think. The Smurfs were far
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too evil and devious for those blobs to simply be tails. Another theory is
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that those things were pods used for reproduction. When the "tail" got big
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enough it would fall off and metamorphosize into another Smurf. Afterall, you
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never saw Smurfette pregnant, so how else could they make more Smurfs? Another
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theory is that those things were used as anal plugs. Perhaps living in an
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almost 100% male village had them all wary of being raped by another male
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Smurf. Those little plugs were used to prevent this horrible scenario from
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happening. The plugs served a dual purpose in they also constantly gave a
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smurf a feeling of sexual anal ecstacy. A more simple theory is that every
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smurf was just really bad at whiping their own asses, so they constantly had
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big blue dingleberries. They could also have been anal tumors caused by
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standing too close to the microwave to cook their smurf-food. They could
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also have been a sign of their religion. Hindus have red dots on their heads,
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so why shouldn't a smurf have a bulbous blue dot on their ass? Another theory
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is that they are backwards oddly-shaped penises, but I don't believe this
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theory because Smurfette had one.
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And what was with their theme song? A bunch of assorted "La's" and no
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real lyrics. Those lazy producers didn't have enough time to write a real
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theme song for them because they were too busy spreading the Smurfian war
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machine into all of our homes.
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Throughout this essay, you have often heard me refer to them as "The
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blue Nazis". I'll explain why. Their arch enemy, Gargamel, was a poor old man,
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dressed all in black (like a Rabbi), and he had a big Jewish nose. He lived by
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himself with a cat as his only companion. He also loved to hoard away his
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money. He was definitely a Jew and because the Smurfs hated him so much just
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proves that the smurfs were anti-semetic bastards.
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Another thing that bother me about those Smurfs were those mushroom
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houses that they lived in. They must have gotten pneumonia a lot from
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constantly living in such dark, wet, and musty places. Maybe they were all
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homos and liked living in houses shaped like penises. They must have suffered
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from a multitude of fungal diseases like athlete's foot from living in
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mushrooms. I dunno. The only thing that I do know is that the smurfs really
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bother me.
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VOMIT Index
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Vomit 1..................................................................Intro
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Vomit 2....................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
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Vomit 3...........................................................Masturbation
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Vomit 4.............................................................The Smurfs
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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La la la la la la
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