183 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
183 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
### ###
|
|
### ###
|
|
### #### ### ### ### ####
|
|
### ### ##### ### ###
|
|
### ### ### ### ###
|
|
### ### ##### ### ###
|
|
########## ### ### ##########
|
|
### ###
|
|
### ###
|
|
|
|
Underground eXperts United
|
|
|
|
Presents...
|
|
|
|
####### ## ## ####### # # ## ## ####### #######
|
|
## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ## ##
|
|
#### ## ## #### # # ####### ####### #######
|
|
## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ##
|
|
## ## ####### ####### # # ## ####### #######
|
|
|
|
[ Smoke ] [ By Mobys Dick ]
|
|
|
|
|
|
____________________________________________________________________
|
|
____________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Smoke
|
|
|
|
I am smiling a complacent smile as I look out through the pathetic curtains,
|
|
out of the window, out at her. She has her back turned against me where she
|
|
stands, talking to Annie, a girl that has never even glanced at me or - god
|
|
forbid - talked to me; but there is a great possibility that she have talked
|
|
about me.
|
|
"He's so godfuckin' strange", I imagine her saying, with her usual
|
|
I-am-god's-gift-to-man-as-well-as-the-whole-fucking-humanity-look that is
|
|
known as her trademark. Then she would make a funny face just to show how
|
|
much she means it, before continuing with something like "He's always
|
|
looking at me. Gives me the creeps."
|
|
Annie is one of those ladies that are so out-of-this-world fuckable and
|
|
perfect - when it comes to looks, at least - that no one even dares to try.
|
|
She must be artificial, probably coming from a galaxy at the other side of
|
|
the Milky Way, or perhaps another dimension - maybe she is just an illusion.
|
|
An unexplained phenomenon created out of occasional events in nature and
|
|
science's chaotic existence. She scares me, forces me away, banishes me to a
|
|
land of shadow beyond the sun at the other side of the moon. I never quite
|
|
reach a full orgasm when I summon the picture - the manipulated image of her
|
|
that only exists in the wildest of my fantasies: She's naked, vulgar,
|
|
nothing but a cheap hooker, and I take her by force. I rush over her like
|
|
some kind of animal - summon her picture inside me and leaves my body to
|
|
attend itself. She screams, whines, and her long fingernails creates small
|
|
red paths all over me. When I reach climax the image disappears in flash of
|
|
a moment and I feel empty. All pleasure vanish and I feel dirty, ashamed.
|
|
Annie pretends that she does not see me. But I know she does, because all
|
|
of a sudden she appears nervous. I bet she is sweating, that her hands are
|
|
locked into each other behind her back like two small white knots. Then she
|
|
suddenly turns against me, looking straight at me and I turn away my face so
|
|
hard and violently that I almost snap my neck. I can feel my eyeballs
|
|
banging into my skull before finding rest in their favorite position -
|
|
focused yet not focused at anything specific. My mind and body implode. I
|
|
curse myself for making it so clear, so obvious that I am afraid of her. She
|
|
knows I am in her power, and she is enjoying every moment of it even if she
|
|
is not showing it. I hate her. I am confused. Go away, get lost! my mind
|
|
yells until she finally leaves.
|
|
Rachel is left behind, standing there all alone. She turns, giving me a
|
|
smile when she sees me, then walks toward the door. Inside she buys a soft
|
|
drink and she sucks in the stream of juice between her lips as she sits down
|
|
right in front of me.
|
|
"Hi."
|
|
She says, smiling.
|
|
I hate her too. I love her for what she can make me feel and I hate her
|
|
for what she can do to me. "Go to hell" she could say, crushing my heart in
|
|
her hands and then tear it apart right before my eyes. I am powerless and
|
|
afraid. I do not have control; I rush through my life, I try to satisfy
|
|
myself and I try hard to avoid getting hurt. I really want the alien being
|
|
that is me to have such a good time as possible. I dream about material
|
|
benefits and fear emotions.
|
|
Rachel is still smiling. She has a wonderful smile and I wish that I too
|
|
could smile so heartily. I smile back, but it is only a defensive reflex. As
|
|
long as I am smiling, she will be smiling too, and as long as she is
|
|
smiling, I will be happy. Because then I have something to smile about.
|
|
She lights a cigarette and exhales smoke. I do not like myself when I am
|
|
smiling, I seem so distant and strange. False and artificial. Do I really
|
|
have any reason to smile? I do smile when I know I have something that I
|
|
wanted for some time, and I stop smiling when I realize that it is only a
|
|
matter of time before it disappears.
|
|
When I am not smiling, I am thinking. About her, and all the other things
|
|
that can go wrong. I am about to say something to her, maybe "You're really
|
|
beautiful today" or "I'm so glad to see you" or plain and simple "I love
|
|
you". I want to say it to her. I want her to know that I love her so she can
|
|
say the same thing to me and we can smile together, united and equal. Two
|
|
pieces complementing each other. Two pieces being held together by the same
|
|
thing, that can tear them apart anytime. I like to touch her. I like to feel
|
|
the heat that is her. I feel so much more alive when she is gasping and
|
|
moaning in sexual arousal and I look forward to make love to her. I am
|
|
under heavy pressure. I have to satisfy her. I have to. There is no way
|
|
around it. She wants me to do it and she has given me the opportunity
|
|
several times.
|
|
|
|
"I want you" she gasped into my ear when a long period of chit-chat with her
|
|
parents was over and we were alone in her room. Her room is small and the
|
|
walls are empty. I felt at home there. Her father had pretended like he
|
|
liked me but I know he had big problems trying to accept what would happen
|
|
to his daughter - his sweet child - when the lights would be turned off and
|
|
we would be alone together. Had I been a normal person - like her father in
|
|
his younger days - I would be lying over and in her only minutes after the
|
|
lights went out.
|
|
"Turn on the lights again," I said, feeling awfully stupid, ridiculous. A
|
|
total failure.
|
|
"What's the matter?" she whispered in the darkness. I could hear that she
|
|
was worried and doubtful. Her hand slowly withdrew. The touch against
|
|
the naked skin on my stomach sent a flood of tickling sensations through me.
|
|
My skin grew goose pimples all over and I left out a moan. I entered another
|
|
world when she opened up my pants and started caressing me. Tiny electric
|
|
sparks flashed around inside me, my brain went into automatic and my
|
|
instincts took over. I moved my hand along her firm skin, away from her
|
|
small round breasts that had captured my attention, and down. First outside
|
|
her pants in small rubbing movements - my other hand were somewhere at her
|
|
back, then she opened her pants, took my hand in hers and guided it inside.
|
|
I was scared by the first touch. Her pubic hairs felt so astonishingly
|
|
similar to my own. She moaned, embraced me and mounted me. Then I said it.
|
|
I could feel my heart beat like it was way too big for its little
|
|
reserved place. She started massaging it, carefully and tentatively. It grew
|
|
and felt comfortable between her silky fingers. Come on, don't let me down,
|
|
I have been waiting for seventeen years for this, feel how wonderful it
|
|
feels, put me in her! it shouted at me and I closed my eyes. Locked it out.
|
|
"I can't", I shamefully said with a low and reluctant voice. "Not now."
|
|
"Why?" The question floated in the air like an emergency flare. "You
|
|
don't want me?" She laid next to me in the narrow bed. We did not touch each
|
|
other.
|
|
I prayed for my brain to return, to give me something sensible to say,
|
|
something that could explain. She let out a heavy sigh, on the brink of
|
|
crying. "I do not know what to say." My voice was shaking, like the last
|
|
leaf fighting the fall. "I want you. I love you."
|
|
There, now you have said it. That was not so hard, was it? It was hard,
|
|
so goddamn hard, and I regret saying it the moment I had said it. I was on
|
|
the verge of crying myself. She must have noticed, because now she was lying
|
|
with her head on my chest, letting her fingers wander around my ear. They
|
|
became entangled in my hair, into emotion-filled pieces of me, comforting me
|
|
as if I had been a child.
|
|
We stayed like that, stretched out next to each other, talking, I cried a
|
|
bit, she cried too, but I think it was only to make me feel better. I did
|
|
not manage to explain why I could not. I did not know myself, but she told
|
|
that I did not have to worry. We could do it when I felt ready for it. We
|
|
went out of the room, her father gave me stabbing looks, but her mother -
|
|
stepmother, I believe - smiled at us. I kissed Rachel goodbye and left. I
|
|
was nearly home when the breakdown struck me.
|
|
|
|
She puts her hand atop mine, caressing it. She is smiling. I curse myself
|
|
for not doing the same thing before her. What can I do now? Her hair, I love
|
|
it. It is black and smells like heaven, it is alive, healthy and it shines.
|
|
I want to touch it. Put my fingers inside it and let them go astray there. I
|
|
have to say something. I have not said anything to her.
|
|
Anne walks by the window, she pretends like she does not see me and gives
|
|
Rachel a smile before she disappears. I have not fantasized about her for a
|
|
long time. Not since the time I realized that Rachel was not unattainable
|
|
after all. Now my penis is a temple, dedicated only to her. We worship her.
|
|
She is our goddess.
|
|
I do not think very much of sex anymore. Earlier I was obsessed by it,
|
|
used every opportunity to fantasize and imagine how wonderful it would be.
|
|
So totally perfect. Now I fear the act. I don't know exactly why. I want to
|
|
do it, with her. I love her. She often said she loved me. She said it as if
|
|
it was something natural and she made it sound true. After some time, she
|
|
stopped saying it, probably because I never returned the declaration. I make
|
|
her feel uncertain. And she is uncertain now. Her eyes are uncertain, they
|
|
look towards mine, but never meet. She looks at me, I look at her hair. Her
|
|
fingernails are healthy and smooth, not all chewed up like mine.
|
|
I wish I could say what she wants to hear. What she needs to hear. Any
|
|
moment now she will retract her hand, like she had touched a spider. Her
|
|
face will become twisted in disgust and she will spit angry words at me.
|
|
Knife cutting words. Words that slash and stab me, and I will just be
|
|
sitting there, alone, empty, bleeding. I will feel sorry for myself. How
|
|
could she, I will ask with a crying voice and then shut the answer out.
|
|
I carefully remove my hand from hers, gently, and light up a cigarette.
|
|
I exhale smoke.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
uXu #492 Underground eXperts United 1999 uXu #492
|
|
Call RIPCO ][ -> +1-773-528-5020
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|