446 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
446 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ Erratic Sleep ] [ By Marie Kazalia ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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red squirrel
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dreaming detailed road
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driving motorcycle slow
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Look away
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Lift my hands up/ over my head
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Front wheel hits dried mud-rut
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--I fall crashing to the ground
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JUMP AWAKE startled
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don't know if I called out screaming
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Doesn't matter
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nobody cares in this hotel anyway
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That film at Hong Kong film festival
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began with motorcycle crashing
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onto the sandy beach
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where a man stands deciding
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to kill himself in the ocean--over a woman
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Rushes over to the rider down on the sand
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in a helmet--removes--discovers a young woman
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who doesn't remember who she is--
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ambulance takes her to hospital
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where the man gives her name as his x-girlfriend
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the one he nearly died over
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A scene in his apartment hip musician
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Tight-shot on a wall framed antique etching
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a woman's enormous French-ass
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rough-terrain wide rutted
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Someone has found big-buxom-buttocks sexy--
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I have yet to find someone like that
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of course mine are rounded
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2 perfectly globular telescoping cheeks
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....and in the end you begin to question
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your own ability to ask yourself the right questions
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Searching for answers
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more doubtful of the validity
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to answer the question--
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More unsure of who you are
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why you are living writing
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Who wants to read your work?
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lack of total faith in the ability to go on
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Marie A. Kazalia 4/6/96
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the collective stupidity of people
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raises my anxiety
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How does any infant make-it through--
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TV news
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grandmother accidentally drove over
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her baby grandchild with her car
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guy who purchased 300 lottery tickets
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the first day of the California lottery
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Certain his "system" would beat the odds
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scratched all 300 in front of his drinking
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buddies at their hangout bar--
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ALL 300 hundred--without winning even
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five dollars--scratched the last loser
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then broke-down crying --
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My mother used to over-boil corn on the cob
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fresh corn--overcooked--she poked the
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COB with a fork to see if it was done--
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My sisters & brother and I used to call
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each other: PAIN! YOU'RE A PAIN
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The idea that I could do as I pleased
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---follow my own way--
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tell people that's what I'm doing
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Thinking my sisters, mother, and other
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defunct/insignificant people
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would be glad for me...
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People attached to each other
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exchanging significant eye contact
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each thinking: OH he/she has A THING
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for me--
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That fallacy more exciting than reality--
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Marie A. Kazalia 4/6/96
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Burning Down the House
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my mother came back to get her things
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while my father at work---
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entire set of Melmac,
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bowls, cups, plates
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She left behind with her Bauer bowls
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in otherwise empty cupboards--
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when she moved out
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She took the refrigerator
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all the furniture--some big guys
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put everything into a truck
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Except the Melmac & Bauer bowls
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and the family photos in an old winter coat
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box-- All my childhood toys in the basement
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My father came home to a nearly empty house
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no bed, barely a chair to sit down on
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My mother in her new apartment gloating
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He changed the front and back door locks
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afterward, then said: WONDER WHY I DIDN'T
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THINK OF CHANGING THEM BEFORE--
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Sheepish that Lois had won another round
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When I told her that Melmac & Bauer
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had become collectors items--she actually
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tried to slip back to the house alone
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but couldn't get in--
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He worked nights,
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used to my sisters in the house
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now I was alone--eventually
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I found life in a new town with the old lady
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much more interesting--
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When I came back to see my father
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he had all new furniture--nothing fancy
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all the old Melmac and old toys gone--
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He'd made a fire, took all that stuff
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out and burned it--
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I told him those toys sell for ten times
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their original price at collector fairs--
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He seemed surprised--but said
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OH WELL, I FELT BETTER AFTERWARD
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Marie A. Kazalia 2/26/95
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catching-up on half-a-lifetime of lost sleep
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if I get into a relationship with a man
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a lover
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for anything other than sincere reasons
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Find in the end I've lost so much more
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than I've gained, but then--
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When I get into a relationship for the reasons
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most people say I should--
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physical attraction
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romance
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Just liking someone first--
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having that turn into something more
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I don't lose the same things
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but eventually something is gone
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my freedom or my love
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or worse perhaps money from my purse
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or my travel journals from a year spent in a 3rd world country
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Get upset
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Spend all my time suffering instead of
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accomplishing anything beneficial
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So lose myself
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Now staying out of relationships like that
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--lack of desire--
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with encouragement from my therapist
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The medication she prescribes helps me
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I sleep inordinate amounts of time
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When before--my sleep routinely erratic for years
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I'd forgotten that wasn't right
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to me, not sleeping at night normal
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Sleep during daylight
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If I have to get/go out
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wear dark glasses
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talking about how my eyes sensitive to bright light
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Now my head clear,
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feel rested
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I'm working through some painful memories
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With the help of my therapist, I talk with
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once a week,
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One hour usually--
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Marie A. Kazalia 1/23/96
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Flash-forward illusion
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Never had the guts to tell anyone officially--
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that I suspect my LSD trip several years prior
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suddenly returned for a few moments
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just as I drove into a time warp
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Shifting-down, in my orange VW bus--
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Gliding into the left turn lane
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Great arrow green just kept on
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turning through the intersection
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Crossing in front of a new Fiat
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smashing into my front
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windshield popping out
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metal crumpling faster than I can
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pull my feet away
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catching my big toe in Birkenstock
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Some guy with a crow-bar prys me out
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gave my statement to the cop
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He came to the hospital later
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tactfully telling me
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THERE IS NO LEFT TURN LANE
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OR GREEN ARROW AT THAT INTERSECTION
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Shocked silent on top of my smash-up
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stitches in knee and foot
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MY OWN BRAIN TRYING TO KILL ME--
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I thought
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--A COUPLE YEARS LATER--
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the same kind of flash-back
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tries to get me
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in a different intersection
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in another city
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But I just drove my Opel
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straight-on-through bravely
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dissolving
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the power of that brain quirk
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Marie A. Kazalia 2/26/96
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movement in sync with universal time
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crossing the busy street--4 lanes
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don't bother waiting for pedestrian cross-walk
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universal figure to light the way---Cut across
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at any angle----time the flow
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with my steps-- liquid motions
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Cars speeding fast---not caught like some dork
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standing on a street corner waiting for the light
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to change/Mistaken as a prostitute
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Walking between two white lines--
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guy pulls over---asks how much?
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Nothing discreet about it--where are the cops
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My manner/clothes/style unusual
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SO people make-up little stories
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Roles they think I fit into-----but they
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could never recognize who or what I am-----
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So different than most people--so unusual
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I'm at a loss for words---poet Koon Woon
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only understands-----male version of myself--
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only he's bi-polar----and I'm a border-line
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schizoid personality
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Knew a younger more-adventurous version of myself;
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Stephanie Pugh--will become a famous writer
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in her old-age, according to a Japanese fortune
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teller who read her palm in a Tokyo club--
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ONE NIGHT--
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When I ran into Alton my clothes all new
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my job non-existent--
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He made-up some story about me
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saying:
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IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE BEING KEPT--
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Not the case--
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But somehow I'm able to do only as I choose--
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What's the point of living, otherwise?
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Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96
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Those McPeople
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call all non-MacIntosh/Apple computers
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P C's
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isn't that sort of like
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calling all homosexual men: gay
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but homosexual women: lesbian
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They're both gay aren't they?
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But not both lesbian--
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can she understand my body
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bruised swollen bounced around
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off metal in that auto accident--
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That I couldn't hug her
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it hurt too much
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so we suffered individually together
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too painful
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to say the words
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make the excuse
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Only the real thing
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caring mattered
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I couldn't give it
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or I would have-----------------------
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Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96
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how I like to dress, so I won't fit in anywhere I go
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like doing certain things
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wearing designer shoes
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walking through the nearby Hispanic ghetto
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Hoping I won't be mistaken
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for a prostitute---(which I'm not)
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most beautiful things
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should be worn in the dirtiest
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most disgusting places--
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My black Italian flats
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stepping over human dung
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mostly small piles from children
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who swarm around me
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laughing at my predicament
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mistakenly walking down
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a dead-end toilet-street in Madras, India
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filthy children's hands beg for rupees
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Mock and ridicule whatever I say--
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Get out of that filthy dung street
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hoping I didn't catch anything
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flies children
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I'm looking for a bakery
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Pass a bakery
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I refuse to enter
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those Shit flies probably get in there
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sit on the sweet breads leaving yuck
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who knows--
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Designer evening shoes clothes
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in any poverty hell-hole
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In Beverly Hills old worn-out jeans
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& shoes--
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feel myself in the sun
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happy inside for a couple moments
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Always at odds with prevailing ethic
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Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96
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SHOWER WRITING
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I'm going-to design a workable version of my
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vinyl shower & bath note-pad and waxy pencils
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that won't melt at normal bath temperatures
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So would probably need to extent the
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temperature above that for sauna/Jacuzzi/
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hot-tub users--for people who get all their
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best ideas bathing--But forgotten by the
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time they've dried off--This blank page
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note pad will also come with other
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optional versions contemporary poet series
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for people who hate wasting time must do
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several things simultaneously---and the
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masturbatory version of bi-eroticism
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exaggeration, here-say put into action,
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condescension condensation, expansion altering
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embellishment, falsehoods, fantasy---
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Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96
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drinking water
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----I still remember easily
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summer
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my dad taught me to drink from a rubber garden hose
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attached to an outside faucet--
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Too dirty from gardening to go inside for a drink---
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long green hose in the sun
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first water came out warm--
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after a few moments cold water flowing
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bend my face way-over
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to keep water from my chest and feet--
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The day upstairs in my pollack friend's house--
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she too afraid of her drunken father to go down and get a glass--
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Showed me how to get a drink
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from bathroom sink faucet---
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Me realizing how cared & pampered I'd been,
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up until then--Not out of great love,
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but out-of great fear---my mother's
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That something might happen to me--
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Not that she cares so much about my loss--
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But how SHE would suffer from it--
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emotionally mentally
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unable to handle
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tragedy
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would take all her thoughts and energy for too long--
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she didn't want to deal with all of that
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already had enough trouble getting out of bed
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making dinner--
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how I rebelled against her
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hitchhiking
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but all that was long ago
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Today I drink water from sink faucet in my crummy hotel room--
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Too afraid I'll be seen--afraid to go out in the hall
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Use the toilet
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I Piss in the sink---
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Marie A. Kazalia 7/8/96
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #459 Underground eXperts United 1998 uXu #459
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ftp://ftp.lysator.liu.se/pub/texts/uxu/
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