204 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
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### ###
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ How To Get More Sex ] [ By The GNN ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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HOW TO GET MORE SEX
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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Once again, we thank Cheap Attention Grabbers for supplying
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us with a great title! Thanks boys!
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The true (and way too long) title of this textfile is however:
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HOW TO SUCCESSFULLY CONSTRUCT AN ELECTRONIC PUBLICATION IN THREE EASY LESSONS
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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Right this minute, billions and billions of people ask themselves these
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questions: What is this? Yet another file on how to successfully create a
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e-zine in three easy lessons? Do we really need this crap?
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The answer is: Yes, of course we do. For the sake of humanity. For the
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sake of your own ego. Down to business.
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<LESSON ONE> THE NAME OF YOUR PUBLICATION
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For starters, you need to give your magazine a name. The best thing is to
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put together three words so that it looks like you were the coolest dudes on
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earth. A good move is to give the impression that you are the one and only
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expert of a subculture, preferably the computer underground. To be able to
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give your friends the same status, inform the reader that you are a bunch of
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*united* experts. For example: 'united underground experts'(UUE), 'eXperts
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united Underground' (XuU), 'underground United eXperts' (uUX).
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<LESSON TWO> WHAT TO WRITE
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Electronic magazines offer no entertainment. Hell no, in the zine business
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you must be 'political' and 'offensive'. This kind of writing is referred
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to as 'ranting' (which is a nice paraphrase for 'whiny'). Please keep in
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mind that your audience will mostly consist of less intelligent people,
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which means that your texts must be on their level. If you wrote files that
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were not on the wavelength of the common zine reader, you would immediately
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be considered as 'self-occupied', due to that the reader would find no
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support for his own trivial problems concerning his puberty in your text.
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Such a development would be fatal for your publication and should therefore
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be avoided at all cost.
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Example 1a: (WRONG)
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"Life is wonderful. Everything is great. I have a beautiful boyfriend,
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even though I don't really know how he looks like, since I met him
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on the IRC #really_intelligent_men_with_big_cocks. I have a nice job.
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Well, actually, it sucks. But who cares? As long as there is love,
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peace and understanding in this world, everything is jolly good.
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I never watch television since it makes me depressed. You ought
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not watch TV either, since it will make you depressed. Be happy!
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Yippe-yippe-yay-yay, it's fun to be-gay-gay, all fucking day-day."
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Example 1b: (RIGHT)
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"I'm a teenager and my life sucks. I hate myself. In fact, I hate
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everything. You know what? Yesterday, I saw a commercial on TV.
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It sucked. I hated it. I hate the government, even though I don't
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really know which country I live in. Everything is so insane. I'm
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insane. Don't tell me that I am wrong, because you don't know the
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real me. I've had a tough childhood. I've been on heroine. Yeah.
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Everything sucks besides Nine Inch Nails. And Simpsons. Fuck."
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If you are into poetry (even though you should avoid that genre - no one is
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really interested writing poetry, less *reading* such crap), the same rules
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apply.
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Example 1c: (WRONG)
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April is the cruellest month, breeding
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lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
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memory and desire, stirring
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dull roots with spring rain.
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Example 1d: (RIGHT)
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proto-fascism and crack;
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killed my flying Mac,
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seven sailors in a row
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fucked me like a cow
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[Note to Swedish readers:] Den svenska e-zine-industrin ser helt annorlunda
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ut, och de ovan givna exemplen {r helt v{rdel|sa f|r ett svenskt zine. Hav
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f|rtr|stan, f|r det {r faktiskt mycket enklare att publicera ett zine i
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Sverige som omedelbart n}r en stor publik och blir om}ttligt popul{r. Allt
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som kr{vs {r en ordbok och en herrans massa knappande p} tangenter (vilket
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inte ska misstas f|r 'skrivande'). Tekniken {r k{nd som LOB-Teratologen-
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tekniken, efter de tv} mest erk{nda m{starna p} det omr}det, {ven om de
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faktiskt skrev *riktiga* b|cker. I sammandrag ser en typiskt text (ja, ett
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helt zine faktiskt) ut p} detta vis:
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"det {r nu dags att knyta f|rnuftets m{starn{ve i de borgerliga asens
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f|rljugna r|vh}l och kl{mma den kvasiintellektuella prostatan tills
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den v{lf|rtj{nsta publika orgasmen i v{lf{rd och dumhet sk|ljer |ver
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massorna och de slickar i sig den absurda sanning som bara vi k{ra
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l{sare kan f|rse eder med d} vi vara det nya genesis, tiden och hoppets
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sanna b|rjan p} en ny bisarr tids}lder i paradoxernas samtid"
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Obegripligt? Sj{lvklart. Brist p} n}got vettigt att s{ga kan, och skall,
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alltid lindas in i avancerat 'kul' ordvr{ngeri. [End of note.]
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<LESSON THREE> HEADS AND FOOTS
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All electronic zines that aims for reputation need two additional features:
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1) A nice ascii-logo with class (head) and 2) a foot with information how
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many distribution sites the magazine possess around the world.
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It should be mentioned that it is impossible for you not to have any
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ascii-logos of class, because virtually there is no such thing as
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'ascii-logos with class'. All logos suck, more or less. The reason for this
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is simple: you cannot create art with ascii. Those who dare to claim the
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opposite are all a bunch of liars who try to justify the only thing they are
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good at, putting together crap.
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If you have not got any distribution sites, the simple technique 'lie'
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will remedy that embarrassing fact. Everybody uses the Internet nowadays,
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which means that there is no need for bulletin board systems, which means
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that no one will ever try to call one, which means that you can list how
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many non-existing boards you feel for.
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Example 2a: (WRONG)
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Bad beYond Belief Magazine Presents
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File #02: "Welcome to My Anxiety"
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written by ETT JAVLA HELVETE
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blah blah blah blah blah
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--------------------------------------------------
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Call one of our dist sites: (we haven't got any)
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But please apply! PLEASE PLEASE FUCKING PLEASE
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--------------------------------------------------
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Example 2b: (RIGHT)
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qwercqwrcqwrecqwercwqer z<ascc><<<<
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00000000 0CC CCCCCCCCCC 000 asc xsszzza
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xxXXX00000000000cccceew wwwwwwwwww ascasc////////////////7
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XXXXXXXXXXXXX 000 eeeeeeeeeee3333333d ccccccc///////// ///7
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Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx www 00 ECCEECeeeeecccccccccccc//////////7
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xxxxxxxxxxxxxxeeeeeeeee 000000 cccccccccccccc//// /////7
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////////////cwqrcqrcwcrcrb657567356745553//////////////7
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////////wetvqwetvqwevcccccccccct 000000000000000000000
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000000 00000000000000000000000 zxxxxxxxxc <.pRiCK.>
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Presents....
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File 000002: "WHY THIS MAGAZINE IS SO DAMN GREAT!"
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written by I AM SO GODDAMN GREAT!
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blah blah blah blah blah blah
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--------------------------------------------------
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CALL OUR DIST SITES: SUCKER! THEY'RE ALL SEKRET
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WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE WE'RE *HAKKERS*!
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--------------------------------------------------
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<APPENDIX> THE *REAL* SECRET BEHIND A SUCCESSFUL E-ZINE...
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Forget all of the above. If you want your e-zine to become popular and
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famous (within the tight limits of this culture), there is just one simple
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rule you need to follow. Always remember, 'quantity is more important than
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quality'. Release files like hell, but never ever care if they all suck.
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There is no such thing as 'proof-reading' in the textfile industry. (A cool
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web-site with tonnes of graphics will work out fine too; just make sure that
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no one will be able to easily find your files somewhere in the pile of
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pointless animations.) Case closed.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #419 Underground eXperts United 1998 uXu #419
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http://www.uxu.org
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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