223 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
223 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ My Collection Of Rejection Letters ] [ By The GNN ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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MY COLLECTION OF REJECTION LETTERS
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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People publish the strangest things nowadays. I have seen files that -
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without any apparent reason - contain lists over the writer's collection
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of CDs, magazines, video tapes, flowers, ashtrays, wall-papers, guns,
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girlfriends, boyfriends, pimples, previously released lists of lists, etc.
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Anyway, why should I be any worse? Why should I go around and believe
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that I am special, better than everybody else - just because I have never
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published any list?
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Welcome to my personal collection of rejection letters. I have collected
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them for a long time now, since whenever I am bored I open up the Writer's
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and Artist's Yearbook 1976 at a random page and mail yet another worthless
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MS to the address my finger aimlessly falls down on.
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So far, I have collected these fine letters:
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TOM DOHERTY ASSOCIATES INC.
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Dear writer,
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Thank you for giving us a chance to read your book or proposal. We
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are sorry that we don't feel it is right for TOM/FORGE at this time.
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Because the volume of submissions we receive, we are not able to
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reply individually to each writer, but please be assured that your
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work received a careful evaluation.
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We wish you the best luck with your writing career.
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Sincerely,
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The Editors
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RANDOM HOUSE
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Dear Sir,
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Thank you for sending us your material. Unfortunately it is not
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suitable for our lists, and we are returning it herewith. We are
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very sorry that we cannot write personally, and neither can we
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enter into correspondence in respect of rejected slips. The number
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of submissions we receive makes this impossible.
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Yours sincerely,
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The Editors
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PENGUIN PRESS UNITED KINGDOM
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Dear Sir,
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Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately, Penguin are not longer
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able to consider unsolicited fiction due to the number of
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submissions received daily and the enormous amount of time involved
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in dealing with them.
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Yours sincerely,
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Penguin Press UK
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BIG TITS MAGAZINE
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Dear pervert,
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As you might notice, this letter is clinically free from semen. This
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indicates that your erotic short story was a fiasco.
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Your sincerely,
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The Masturbation Crew at BTM
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POLITICS AND BIG GUNS WEEKLY
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Dear revolutionary,
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We have carefully considered your submission to the PABGW magazine.
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Unfortunately, the material is not suitable for our publication.
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Due to the shit-load of submissions we receive every day from fringe
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political conspirators, we are unable to write to you personally.
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The reason why your article was rejected might be because it
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contained any of these words/concepts: 1) "Nazism", 2) "Fascism",
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3) "Anarchy", 4) "Freedom", 5) "Love", 6) "Humanity", or 7) "Bomb".
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If your article contained any of these words, do not hesitate to
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submit it again, after you have changed them into: 1) "The Good Old
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Days", 2) "Modern Democracy", 3) "Crazy Maniacs", 4) "Security",
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5) "Nonsense", 6) "Herd", or 7) "My penis".
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Kill a Commie for Mommie,
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The Editors
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EVERYTHING WILL BE PUBLISHED PUBLICATIONS (EST. 1878)
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Dear Sir,
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We have decided to finally make an exception.
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Yours sincerely,
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Almost Everything Will Be Published Publications (Est. 1997)
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ILLITERATE LITERATURE INC.
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XXXXX XX Hello ,
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Tank you fur sennding as yor matrial.Unfortnately it is not sutable
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even for our listes,and we XXX is returing
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it herwit.We are very sory dat we canot rite persoXXXnnaly,and
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neiter can we enter in to coresponndanse in Xrespekt auf rejected
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zlipXXz .
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Bye,
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Editors
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POETRY FOR THE MASSES PRESS
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dear sir,
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we read your submission;
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we found it to be shit;
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we knew we had a mission,
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yes indeed a match we lit
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you will never gain any fame;
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neither will your poetry ever sell,
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we enjoyed it burst into a flame,
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now please go straight to hell;
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yours sincerely,
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the T.S. Eliot wanna-be editors;
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CASH FLOW BOOKS LIMITED
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Dear Sir,
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Thank you for sending us your magnificent MS! It is the best
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book/story/screenplay/whatever we have ever seen! We are quite
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confident in our belief that this piece of art will become the
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second bible! In fact, we are so happy with your divine production
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that we have sent all other submissions directly to the furnace!
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Pretty please, let us publish your book/story/screenplay/whatever!
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We are sorry that we cannot write to you personally. However, if
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you pay us $5000 we will publish your book/story/screenplay/whatever
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and mail you that ass-kissing letter you have always dreamt of.
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Yours SINCERELY,
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The managing director
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HOUSE OF JESUS AND COMPANY
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Dear Son,
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Thank you for praying to God. Unfortunately, your request for 'fame
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and fortune in the writing-business' has been denied because of the
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Greed-clause. Due to the huge amount of spoiled humans in the
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universe that demands our attention every damn minute, we are unable
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to reply to you personally. But we can assure you that your minor
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problems has been carefully examined - just for the sake of it. Haha.
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Enough joking. Bring out the beer and the cheap broads. Let's get
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some action around this place. EVERYBODY DANCE NOW BOOM BOOM BOOM ON
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YOUR BLACK ASS BITCH
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yeah yeah yeah,
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The Angels
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(... and finally, the moment we have all been waiting for...)
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UNDERGROUND EXPERTS UNITED
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Dear Sir,
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Thank you for your mail enclosing the manuscript of 'My Collection
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of Rejection-Letters'. No chance in HELL we will publish this SHIT.
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uXu receives tonnes of worthless CRAP every day, and I am sorry to
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inform you that your submission was yet another of these pathetic
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examples of 'writing' I have the misfortune to read every DAMN day.
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But I can assure you that your file was given careful examination
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before I FLUSHED IT DOWN THE TOILET together with my own excrement.
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Do not bother to mail me any letter with questions on exactly why I
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did not fancy your WORTHLESS expression of art, because I need not
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justify my good taste and wit in front of mindless INSECTS like you.
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FUCK OFF,
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Bravemoore
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #402 Underground eXperts United 1997 uXu #402
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Call X-TREME -> +31-1670-64414
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