222 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
222 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ Alienated Relationships ] [ By The GNN ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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ALIENATED RELATIONSHIPS
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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Interpersonal relations of the kind we refer to as 'love' are complex
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matters. If conducted the right way, they can offer happiness and a life
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filled with joy. Conducted the wrong way, misery and depression will be the
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case.
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In this file, I will present an outline of five different relationships
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that are essentially conducted the wrong way (Balance of Terror, Show-Off,
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Dominators, The Trapped and Everything is Wonderful). I am not claiming that
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these examples are the only ones available in our huge world, nor would I
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like to say that my descriptions of them are perfect. It is up to the reader
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if he or she will accept my statements, or draw other conclusions.
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What must be remembered, however, when studying these different
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relationships is that the persons involved actually fancy each other. But
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they are unable to enjoy their love to the fullest extent, due to their
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inability to cope with various problems.
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(1) BALANCE OF TERROR
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In such a relationship, A (and perhaps even B too) suffers from certain
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personal problems. These problems are so deep that A refuse to cope with
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them - not even for the sake of the relation with B.
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There is a sense of selfishness in effect in this case. A believes that
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her/his problems are the most important factors in her/his life (i.e.,
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even more important than the relationship itself). To a certain extent,
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this is really true: the problems _are_ great, since they make A's life
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essentially fragmented and incoherent. But still, A refuse to really deal
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with them (since it is a somewhat difficult task). Instead, A will fall
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into depression, self-destructive behavior (like suicide attempts) and so
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on. B will notice the destructive behavior of A, and this is naturally
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very distressing for B. Since B cares for A, he or she does not want A to
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behave like that.
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So what will B do? Do he/she help A to get to the real problems and
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deal with them? Unfortunately not. Instead, B offers a 'balance of
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terror'. When A becomes depressed, B will become even more depressed. If
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the A tries to commit suicide with a knife, B will try to kill
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himself/herself with a gun.
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For short: whatever A tries to do, B will do the same, but with more
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energy and force. In the end, A will not dare to do anything at all, since
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he or she is afraid that B will do something even worse. But even though
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the self-destructive behavior might not be that obvious anymore, after the
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balance of terror has worked out, it is still there. Why that is the case
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is simple: the balance of terror solves no real problems, only their
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symptoms.
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(2) SHOW-OFF
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The show-off couple suffers from an inability to discuss their problems
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with each other. Their only way to be able to do so is with other people
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around them, people that they can use as 'help' when the discussion
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becomes too painful.
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Talking about personal matters are not all that easy, that is a fact.
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Sometimes, it is even harder to talk about personal problems with a person
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that is clearly involved as a part of the problems. And this is something
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that the 'show-off' couple suffers from.
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In the privacy of their own home, the couple will hardly discuss
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anything at all, except for daily matters. But when other people that they
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know well come into the picture, the show begins. It usually starts with a
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simple quarrel over something less important, but as the hours pass by, it
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increases into screams concerning deeply felt emotions (no positive ones
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though) concerning the other part.
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Just as the couple are on their way to reach the real problem with
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their relationship, they run away from each other, and seeks cover at a
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friend. Then, with the friend, they discuss the real problem. When
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finished, they return to each other to continue arguing. But they never
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ever come to the real problems when discussing with each other, since they
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dare not to. They are afraid that their relationship may come to an end if
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they talk about such matters, and it is because of this they flee to
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friends.
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(If you are going to throw a party, be sure to not invite a couple that
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are alienated from each other in this way. They will ruin the whole
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evening by constantly demanding the people to pay attention to the
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couple's private problems.)
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(3) DOMINATORS
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A dominator is a person that needs to be in control. One dominator in a
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relationship could cause problems if the other part does not fancy being
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dominated. But in such cases, they often fall into the (1) or (2)
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category. If both of the persons are dominators, the effects will be
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rather different.
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A double-dominator couple will constantly argue with each other, but
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their discussions will not be about something important. They argue with
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each other, not because they want to solve problems, but because they need
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to control the other part. Since both of the persons want to have the last
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word, they will keep on arguing forever.
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Needless to say, this means that their life together will consist of
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nothing more than eternal discussions without a point. Eventually,
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however, one of the two persons might give up and become a pseudo-
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dominated person. 'Pseudo', since the person is in fact, still a
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dominator. He or she will not accept this position. Due to this, adultery
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is very common among dominators, since they constantly look for another
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person to dominate.
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(There is a subgroup to this relationship that acts exactly like raging
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dominators, but is different in the aspect that they actually want the
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other person to dominate too. The reason for this is sexual. They spend
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their days dominating each other in public, arguing and fighting, just for
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the sake of the sexual act that will follow later: a so-called
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'reconciliation-fuck'. They 'hate' each other now and then, so they will
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be able to show their affection by 'forgiving' each other later.)
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(4) THE TRAPPED
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A couple that is trapped are unable to break up, even though they ought
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to. The reason for this could be various. For example, A dare not leave B
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since A believes that B will break down completely if their relationship
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ends. But on the other hand, B is also aware that he/she would in fact
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break down if the relation came to an end; so, in a sense, both are
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trapped.
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Unlike the dominators, the trapped couple will not argue with each
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other. On the contrary, they will hardly even talk to each other. They
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spend their time with each other in silence, thinking about their annoying
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situation. It is possible for the trapped couple to stay with each other
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all their life, experiencing a constant feeling of anxiety. They want to
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talk to each other, they want to tell the other part about how they feel,
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but they dare not.
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A trapped couple could _look_ like a category (5) couple, but they do
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not belong to that category. If they do not stick to each other their
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whole life, however, it is possible that _the result_ will be equal to the
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end that awaits the category (5) couple. But that is not always the case.
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(5) EVERYTHING IS WONDERFUL
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This is a relationship that will come to a horrible end. The couple do
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suffer from fundamental problems, but they deny this fact not only in
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front of others, but also in front of themselves. They try to live their
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life like if their relationship actually were wonderful, but they are more
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or less aware of the truth that it is built upon a lie. Even though the
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problems might be rather simple, they never deal with them. Instead, they
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suppress them, and this will slowly increase the simple problems into
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giant ones.
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Unlike the category (4) couple, these persons talk to each other. But
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their discussions will be far away from the real problems. They look like
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they are happy together, while in fact they are not. It is often quite
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easy to detect if a couple are like this, because their false behavior
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will shine through. If you discover that a couple among your friends are
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an EIW-couple, take cover. The way this relationship will end is not a
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funny sight.
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Since it is a hard and tiresome work to constantly try to look happy,
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the couple will sooner or later become worn out. When this happens, they
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will suddenly turn into two persons that behave as if they came directly
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from hell. Through the years, they have suppressed their feelings to that
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extent that simple annoyance will turn into anger and hate. If they do not
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kill each other, they will spend the rest of their lives in something that
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is not wonderful, but terrible.
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Due to the monstrous and uncontrollable rage they experience when they
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have reached this point, it is common that they bring other people
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(friends, relatives, etc.) with them into the terrible life that awaits
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them.
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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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It should be mentioned that the above examples are not relationships that are
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beyond help. The remedy for all such problems is not psychological games,
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alienation or self-deception, but intimacy, honesty, and the most important
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factor of all: real communication, in time.
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One cannot, however, teach someone what 'real communication' really is.
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This is something that everyone knows what it is, but often denies, since it
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is sometimes a very painful thing to bring forward. But suppressed pain will
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not stay suppressed forever. It will, sooner or later, come to the surface.
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And the pain that then will be the case is far more hellish than the pain one
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would experience if the problems were discussed the very moment they came up.
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You better understand those simple facts, not only for your own sake but
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also for mine. I am sick and tired of spending time with alienated, narrow-
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minded and self-occupied couples. Okay?
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//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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No one is a 'persona non grata' when it comes to uXu!
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Join us! Write a file! Send it to: uxu-request@lysator.liu.se
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Nerd Wide Web.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #379 Underground eXperts United 1997 uXu #379
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Call UNPHAMILIAR TERRITORY -> telnet upt.org
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