218 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
218 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
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########## ### ### ##########
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ Survive IRC ] [ By The GNN ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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SURVIVE IRC
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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IRC - the drug of the nation.
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Nowadays, Internet is a place free from the stereotypical computer
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individual, namely the nerd. Pimpled teenagers with round glasses who
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spends one-hundred and fifty hours every week in front of their home
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computers is a phenomena that belongs to the past. If one want to meet
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fools, one ought to call the local bulletin boards instead. The Internet
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is a mature network with 'normal', political correct people who use the net
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for strictly academic, scientific and informational purposes. On the
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Internet Relay Chat, one can speak to these grown-up individuals. Oh yes.
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Oh no. My God, who wrote the above mess? The truth is that on IRC you
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will only meet socially retarded individuals, so you better read on to gain
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knowledge how to survive there.
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I will not blame you for even thinking the thought of connecting
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yourself to IRC. If you have done it, that is ok. You are crazed, now
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that is a fact.
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Read on.
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* THE PEOPLE ON IRC
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The best thing with IRC is that you actually never meet the ones you
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speak to (actually, you do not even have to SPEAK with them either).
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Self-made descriptions of how people look like are wonderful, since your
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weak mind unconsciously will fit them into almost all of your sexual
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dreams.
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For example;
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<Joe> Describe yourself...
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<Mia> I am blonde...uhm...blue eyes and rather good-looking breasts. :)
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Mia's description of herself is great. Joe will probably stay online
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for the rest of this century just to speak with her. Notice that Mia never
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mentions that she is two meters tall and weighs more than the Empire State
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Building.
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Joe will not be forced to describe himself, since all girls know that
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men with nicks like 'Mike', 'Joe' and 'Rambo' are all macho-men that are
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aware of a womans most primitive needs. Joe's real name is however Nathan
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Nash and when he is not online he listens to a name invented by his
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friends; 'Mister Masturbation'.
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As said, the best thing is that they will never have to meet each other.
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However, there is a slight problem called WWW homepages. If Joe happened
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to have his picture on his homepage, Mia could easily check it up and
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discover that... well...that he in fact looked just like an actor!
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Because who the hell is so dumb that he places his REAL picture on his
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homepage?
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* THE TALK
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Now if you think that talking on IRC implicates that you should act as
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macho as possible, you are wrong. You should not even try to act like a
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normal healthy human being.
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The code is; 'act like a nerd, but believe that you (nor anyone else)
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actually is one'.
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This code might be a hard one to get a grip on, but you will quickly
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learn how it works.
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<Malcolm> HI!
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<CoolMan> Hello Malcolm!
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-- CoolMan *HUGS* Malcolm!
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-- Malcolms hugs CoolMan and everyone else here!!! I am sooo *HAPPY*!
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You understand. The above example is not from channel #gaysex, but a
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normal way of making new friends on IRC. Naturally, there is a possibility
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of going to far. Exchanging tips about diapers is not alright, if you claim
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that you will use them yourself.
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Here is an example of how you should NOT behave;
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<Force> Hello everyone, how is it going?
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-- Dare *HUGS* Force!
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<Force> Oh please, stop it Dare...
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** Force has been kicked out of channel #boring by user Dare **
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'Force' was kicked because he refused to conform to the ideas of what is
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IRC etiquette. Because he wanted a normal chat, he was regarded as
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'aggressive'.
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However, you may be as aggressive as you want to if you just know how to
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express your feelings in an appropriate way. Just follow this simple
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dictionary;
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What you want to say. How you ought to say it.
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'FUCK YOU!' ----> 'You are not nice.'
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'GET LOST!' ----> 'I will not hug you any more'
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'IDIOT!' ----> 'You make me cry softly'
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'MOTHERFUCKER!' ----> 'Now I am crying because of you'
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... the rest should be easy to figure out by yourself.
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Some normative suggestions of how to speak;
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WRONG: 'I finished my last exam today so I feel rather relaxed...
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time for a few beers soon I guess.'
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CORRECT: 'I *HUG* everyone!!! I am so *happy* because I wrote my last
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exam today!!! Time to open a bottle of Coca-Cola!!!!!'
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WRONG: 'Why hello, nice to see you again.'
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CORRECT: '<nick>!!!!!! I tickle you because I am so *happy* that you
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are here my little cosy teddy-bear!!'
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WRONG: 'I better be off... lots of work to do.'
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CORRECT: 'I must be off and that makes be sad. :( I *CRY*!!! I love
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you all! Now it is time to study some <whatever, preferably 'metaphysics
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of cosy teddy bears' or equal>.'
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Cry, hug people all the time, act like a child and you should do just
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fine. Very fine. You might even get 'ops' if you are a complete moron.
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'Ops' are magic little status devices that puts you in the divine position
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of kicking people and changing topics on certain channels. You would not
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believe what some people do for these.
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* THE TOPICS
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There are no rules of what you should talk about on IRC. Ha ha, fooled
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you. Of course there are.
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There are rules, but no topics. Actually, there is no order at all. If
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you enjoy chaos, enter channel #talk and try to start a dialogue. You will
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find sixty-four other users trying to do the same thing. The result?
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Sixty-five people. Nothing more, nothing less.
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<alarm> hello?
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<death> HELLO?
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<murder> IS THERE ANYONE HERE?
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<destruction> TALK TO ME!
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(fifty messages later;)
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<alarm> hello?
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<death> HELLO?
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<murder> IS THERE ANYONE HERE?
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<destruction> TALK TO ME!
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Dr August Balle wrote in his book 'Suicidal People in the Brave New
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World' that one of the strangest ways of suicide he had ever come across
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was a man who had spent ten hours in front of his computer before he
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suddenly jumped out of the window. The man had left a note that said; 'I
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have no more friends. ProtoServ banned me from channel #shit. I have
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nobody left in this world.'
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(It is worth mention that two weeks later Dr Balle himself committed
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suicide, after being banned from #shrinks by SigmundBot, due to the fact
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that he openly claimed that Freud was 'a fake who only wanted to play
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around with his own urine'.)
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So...
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* HOW TO SURVIVE IRC
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Never enter. Stick to newsgroups. If you want to meet the individual of
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your dreams, go to a pub.
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////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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IRC-folk kommer att hata mig efter denna fil. Underbart.
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Now for something completely different: IRC CHANNEL #uxu
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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Smack him in the head - Smack him 'till he is dead.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #240 Underground eXperts United 1995 uXu #240
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Call DEMON ROACH UNDERGROUND -> +1-806-794-4362
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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