156 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
156 lines
7.3 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ## ##
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[ Everything You Need To Know About Techno ] [ Ralph 124C41+ ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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Everything You Need to Know About Techno
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(but was to lazy to check up yourself)
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by Ralph 124C41+ of PowerDrive
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Hi there, dear reader. This is the first complete collection of
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knowledge about techno ever published. It will tell you absolutely
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everything you can possibly need to know about techno. But let's skip the
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talk and get right into it!
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THE TALK
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First of all you must learn to talk in the right way, the text above is
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totally wrong for instance. It would have sounded something like this:
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"Yo MaN! dIG dIZ! fUckInG aLL yA nEEd Ta KnOW aBouT tECHno! I wuz FiRST,
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nO meSS!". Actually you don't talk that way, it only how it's written. If
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you feel uncertain about what letters should be in capital case you can
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use a dice or install a random number generator in your keyboard. The way
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to talk is harder to describe but here you could just put on some
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sunglasses and keep your mount shut at all times. This is called to be
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"cool".
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MOVING
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There is one move that is *very* important when it comes to techno, it's
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to point an your knees. In my research I have not found why knees are so
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important in techno but my preliminary studies indicates some kind of
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kinky sex. I'll be back if I ever find out.
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The move itself is made by first sticking out your arm about as a bird
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wing on a slightly mentally insane seagull, keep your hand flat with all
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fingers together. Then you just point at your knees. Do this with both
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arms at the same time. This is done every time you say "Yo!" and a great
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deal of the rest of the time as well.
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If you find this move to hard you can just put your hands in your
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pockets and stand like that. To have dark glasses helps a lot in this
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situation. This is also a part of being "cool".
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DANCE
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This is the easiest part because you can do pretty much what you like,
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but some basic moves is good to know. A very common one is to stand
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up with straight arms, then you move your right arm up so that it becomes
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horizontal, then you take it down again and do the same thing with your
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left arm.
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Another common move is to stand up and shake without controll, just fake
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an epileptic attack and you should do fine. If you are an epileptic you
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are on the safe side, four your convenience there are lots of flashing
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lights put up so that you will have it easier to have an epileptic attack.
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CLOTHES
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Clothes are very important, you must create your own style. This is
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done by wearing exactly the same thing as everybody else. If you don't
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know a lot of people who is into techno you might find it hard to know
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exactly so let me tell you. First of all you must have some shoes, most
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people into techno choose Converse All Stars so get a pair of those and
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you should be on the safe side where footwear is concerned. The rest of
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the clothing follows one simple rule: loose fit. Just steal your old mans
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jogging outfit and no one will ever be able to tell you from any other
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into techno. Another idea is to go to the Weight watchers and ask them for
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their old clothes.
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COMPUTERS
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Computer knowledge is very important if you want to get into techno. You
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must simply forget everything you know about computers. This might be a
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bit hard but just pop down to your friendly local drug dealer and ask for
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something to give you amnesia.
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DRUGS
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Drugs is very important in the techno scene, but the choice of drugs is
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important. The basic rule is: never take any legal drugs. Beer, booze,
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cigarettes and coffee is totally out of the question. Some things you
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should try is LSD, XTC, PCP, PVC, DDT... Everything you need will be
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offered to you so you will never have any problems finding what you need.
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Sometimes you will be offered energizer drinks, brain drugs and such
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things, they are often very expensive but they will give you energy to
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keep on dancing. They can also be found in the local supermarket, except
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that there it's called "orange juice" or "sugar" (just add water).
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MUSIC, listening
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The big problem with listening to techno is to tell the difference
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between the tunes as they all sound the same. A good advice is to listen
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for which word is used the most (often just a single word is used in the
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entire tune) and assume that it is the title of the tune.
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It also good to learn some of the famous names, this is, unlike other
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music, not the one who made the music or she one who speaks in the tune
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but the one which is shown in the video. Often aliases are used like Mr
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WC, Dr CP, Strawberry Ice-cream and Dr Dengroth.
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MUSIC, making
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As mentioned above the most important when making techno is to have a
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"cool" name, any actual musical talent is not necessary and often it is
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just in the way. Start with a beat, you can either sample it from some
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other tune or try to make it yourself (as some grown up to assist you).
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Then it's time to put in some melody, the most common way is to sample
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some old Kraftwerk tunes. If you don't have any Kraftwerk records you
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could use a random number bass and let a cat walk over the keyboard when
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the synthesizer is set to some fancy sound. Then you must think of the
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lyrics of the tune. The easiest way to do this is to open a dictionary and
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pick a word. Then you just pick some kid of the street and let him say
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that work a couple of times. Then the tune is finished and the kid gets
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all the money, fame and girl. Hey, no one said this was easy!
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MUSIC, working as a DJ
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If you just are to play techno at a rave or something, like can be very
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easy. There are several records with techno ready mixed so you just have
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to start one of those and then concentrate on the actual as a DJ, to get
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as many girls as possible in bed. This is often very easy because as DJ
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you have the power over what tunes to play and you'd be amazed what girls
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can do to to have their favorite tune played. You see that techno can be
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rewarding as well!
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This file is (c)opyrighted material, but spreading if free
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under certain conditions. Se the uXu index for details.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #218 Underground eXperts United 1994 uXu #218
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Call DUNGEON SYSTEMS INC. -> +1-410-263-2258
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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