469 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
469 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ The GNN's File #100 ] [ By The GNN ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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THE GNN'S FILE #100: THIS IS WHAT YOU READ, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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A live performance.
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With some help from Phearless and Hedge.
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Yes. This is what you read and this is what you get. Nothing can change
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that even if you try. However, what will be written in the future can be
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changed if you open your mouth and let a few creative comments pass your
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lips. Creative comments, flowers, chocolate and greeting cards can be
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mailed to me at GNN@krille.update.uu.se.
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Oh, I forgot to say hello and welcome to my one hundredth file for the
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Underground eXperts United series of text files! This is my own personal
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text file and I will not do anything else than speak about myself! Hohoho,
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yeah, I know that might be boring but...
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(Audience goes: "BOOO!")
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...I felt that I had to expose my great ego and intelligent...
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(Audience throws empty beer bottles against the stage, *crash* )
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... *crash*...mind... <Ahem>. Now then, *crash* since I guess this
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will be quite an exciting evening *crash* *crash* for all of us, especially
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YOU since you now finally have the chance to speak to me in person! I know
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that this is what you have wanted for years now! (or to be more precise:
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two years and five months!)
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So! Come on people! Tell me how much you love me and...
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(Audience laughs out loud. Someone screams "Fuck you mister! HAHA!")
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...how much you... have... uh... appreciated my files! Come on people
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ask me about my life!
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Audience: "How on earth have you been able to produce so
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much SHIT during your years with uXu?"
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Right. Shit. Well, I felt that the world needed my help and the best
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way to give them that was to write GREAT files about our society and how
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the world works! And...
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Audience: "Thanks, we have heard enough... How come
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you never stop? That would make the world
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a better place to live in!"
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Better place? BETTER PLACE? NOW LISTEN TO ME YOU LITTLE BRAINDEAD HUMAN
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BEING I AM THE ONE AND ONLY TEXT FILE WRITER ON THIS...
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(Audience laughs and brings up their shot guns)
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...AND I WILL... hey... HEY! Wait! Do not shoot! I will not write
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anything more! Trust me! I was only kidding! Hey! Heey! HEEEEEEY!
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*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
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(Audience shouts: "Was it good for you too GNN?! HAW HAW HAW!")
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Gasp, gasp... uh... just *cough* great, thank you! *cough*...
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(Audience leaves, leaving GNN dying on the stage)
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It is hard to be a writer nowadays... first rejected by all publishers
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on planet Earth, then shot. Thank God I gave The Chief plenty of money so
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he would release my AMAZING files! *cough*. People do not seem to
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appreciate REAL ART nowadays! Bah! Lame! Stupid! They just want to
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work, get a good-looking partner to fuck, work, go home and watch TV before
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they die of cancer a few years later!
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Truly amazing... what the... HEY! HEY! OVER HERE! HELP!
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(Three people enters the hall, looking around for GNN)
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COME HERE! I am here! Ah, finally some fans! I knew they would show
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up! The other people must have been terrorists who works for the corrupted
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state! I knew they wanted to kill me! OVER HERE! *cough* *gasp*...
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"Hello there GNN! How is everything?"
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Fine thank you.. just fine! A few holes in my body, but I will survive!
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No problem! Just take me to a hospital and I will soon be able to write
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again!
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(The three people steps out from the shadows)
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Oh, it is you... The Chief, Phearless and Ralph. What are you doing
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here? Are you not supposed to... uh... organize some surprise-party for
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me to celebrate my ONE HUNDREDTH FILE? *ouch* *cough*
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"Well, you see... we changed our minds! We decided to get here and help
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you away from this place instead!"
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You have always been such good friends...
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(The Chief draws a Magnum .44 from his shoulder holster and places it in
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The GNN'S mouth.)
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"You see... we feel that it is time for you to stop writing ALL THAT
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SHIT THAT YOU KEEP GIVING US!"
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(Ralph and Phearless looks at each other, nodding)
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...glomp schko kroks uh?
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(The Chief pulls the trigger)
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*BANG*
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(and again)
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*BANG*
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(and again and again and again and again)
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*BANG* *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
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-- MEANWHILE IN HEAVEN --
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Angel: "Ya know what?"
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God: "Nope..."
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Angel: "They just shot The GNN!"
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God: "FINALLY! I have *waited* for that to happen after I
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had read his fucking "Divine Problems" file!
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Give me the names of the killers and I will reserve
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them a place here!
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Angel: "Consider it done, man!"
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-- MEANWHILE IN HELL --
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Devil: "We have a problem..."
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Satan: "We have?"
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Devil: "The GNN is dead and will arrive in a couple of hours."
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Satan: "OH NO! DAMN!"
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Devil: "Right..."
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<A few hours later>
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...but I *KNOW* that this story will fit perfectly in the "Lucifer
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Science-Fiction Magazine!" I know that! Just publish it and I swear on my
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mothers grave that the amount of subscribers will increase bigtime!
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"Didn't you read my letter?!"
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--------------------------------------------------------------
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From: Editor Lenny Lucifer
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To: The GNN
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Subject: PRINT THIS!
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No! No! NO! NO WAY! CRAP!
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Yours truly, Lucifer.
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LUCIFER SCIENCE-FICTION MAGAZINE - HOT STORIES FOR SINNERS
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Mail submissions to Lucifer@hell.SF.com
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--------------------------------------------------------------
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Yes, I did but you never said that you disliked it!
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"Now listen to me, Gnu..."
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It is GNN! *THE* GNN! THE ONE AND ONLY *THE GNN*!
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"Yeah... of course. We do like this instead: I will BURN your story
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and then you will go to the daily torture together with Satan and his great
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friends? OK?"
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No way! This is a magnificent piece of art and...
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"OK?!"
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Alright then... but you do not know what you are missing!
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"Fuck you...."
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Some other day maybe, some devil just pushed a big log up my ass and I
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feel a bit sore yet so...
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"JUST BE QUIET AND LEAVE MY OFFICE!"
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(GNN receives a kick in his (sore) ass and flies out through the door)
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*CRASH*... Jeppers! This is incredible! How could he refuse to print a
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story that revealed ALL the facts about how right atheism is! Hmm...
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maybe a little out of date perhaps...?
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"HELLOOO GnN... aRe yOU ReADy for THE DAILY SUFFERING? HEH HEH HEH?"
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Oh, hello Satan.. well, I am ready BUT JUST TAKE A LOOK AT THIS STORY I
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WROTE! It is great! Read it!
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(Satan falls down on his knees, crying)
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"I CANNOT STAND THIS ANY MORE! I CANNOT STAND *YOU* OR YOUR SO-CALLED
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STORIES!"
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But it is great! I swear!
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"GET LOST! BYE! ADIOS! CIAO! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE ANY MORE! (get
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this motherfucker *out* of here NOW!)"
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Yaaaaaaaaaargggggggggggggghhhh!
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*CRASH*
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Aha... back to Earth again! How nice! Better call THE STASH
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immediately and send them my latest uXu productions!
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CONNECT 9600
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* Welcome to THE STASH. (No, THE GNN we do *not* want you to login!)
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Telegard Bulletin Board System - Version 2.7
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Copyright 1988-1991 by Martin Pollard. All rights reserved.
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WELCOME TO THE STASH
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Underground eXperts United
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European Home
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Sweden
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+46-(0)13-175042
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sysop: THE 'I even SHIT text files!' CHIEF!
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* Message of the day *
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We are here to talk about something serious folks...
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Ever heard about a so called writer who names himself as
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"The GNN"? If there is something that irritates me, it
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must be his stupid and tiresome novels about things that
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absolutely no-one cares about. And I mean NO-one! Who
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could for example, sit and read something so stupid as a
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novel concerning a horror future in America? Perhaps a
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slightly retarded ape of some sort...
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His ego must be of gigantic proportions to think that
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there really is any value in the shit he produces. And
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as every writer he claims himself to be seeing the things
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we other cannot see, except that all of us has already
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seen everything he prides himself with seeing. He even
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tries to decorate his work with small, easily spotted and
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laughed at, sarcasms. Can you believe this dork??? When
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he starts to write about something substantial, give me a
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call will you...?
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Hedge.
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----------------
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Handle or Number: THE GNN
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Password: I rule
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* Welcome to the BEST board in my room!
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> help
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* You must be joking.
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> mail
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* Core blimey, You have mail! Wanna read?
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> yes
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From: PHEARLESS
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To: THE GNN
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Subject: listen to reason man
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You fool! No matter how hard you try, you never beat me sucker!
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I write a lot better stuff than the garbage you put out. I think
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you missed the whole idea. Quality, not Quantity. I heard you
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were putting out your 100th file! Ha Ha! One hundred pieces of
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shit, what a celebration... I hope you get brain cancer, just
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like your mother!
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* You have more mail. To be exact - you have four more letters to read.
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> list subjects
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1. "FUCK YOU!"
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2. "Sod *off*!"
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3. "Why do you write all that SHIT"
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4. "You will die tomorrow after breakfast"
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* Read mail?
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> are you kidding
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* Would you like to go to the file areas?
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> yes please
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--1-> This BBS does not accept uploads other than TEXT FILES.
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--2-> If you upload something else than text files the friendly
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sysop will rip your head off and shit in the hole.
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Two simple rules easy to remember and follow. For more information,
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read the messages in the [I am the third reincarnation of Jesus and
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I can prove it, and now I am gonna speak SO LISTEN!] message area.
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* Would you like to check for new uploads?
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> no
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* Would you like to check for old uploads?
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> no
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* Would you like to scan the areas?
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> no
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* WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANNA DO THEN?
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> upload
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* Rules for Uploading: Only text files. Nothing else than text files.
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The GNN is *not* *not* *NOT* allowed to upload anything!
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Filename: GNN-FILE!
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Description: HEY GUYZ! A NEW KOOL TEXT FILE THAT WILL BLOW YA BRAINS
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AWAY WHEN YOU READ IT SINCE
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* ...This is the friendly SYSOP THE CHIEF breaking in for a chat...
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> I told you *not* to upload! ARE YOU BLIND OR SOMETHING?
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But this file is great! A masterpiece! Better than the bible! I swear on
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my mothers grave that this file will touch your heart! It will eat your
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brain! It will give you twenty orgasms in a row! It is better than
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getting your rocks off with a girl! It is
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NO CARRIER
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CONNECT 9600
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Welcome to THE STASH. (No, THE GNN we do *not* want you to login!)
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Telegard Bulletin Board System - Version 2.7
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Copyright 1988-1991 by Martin Pollard. All rights reserved.
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WELCOME TO THE ST
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NO CARRIER
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CONNECT 9600
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Welcome to THE STAS
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NO CARRIER
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*SIGH*
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DOS> dir /texts/good/best/amazing/divine/THEGNN
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How To Get Even! Car Explosion Look-Alike Making A Small Flame Thrower
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Miscellaneous Crimes Miscellaneous Terror Projects For The Extremely Bored
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Anarchist Suicide! How To Shrink A Head The Ten Most Wanted By Interpol
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Information Terrorism (At School) The Truth The Truth About Women Anarchist
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Unite A Jolly Good Day In School Depth Charge Depression The Excuse The
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Anatomy Of Hate Acid Human Terrorism AI Alarm! How To Deal With The Police
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El Presidente - Handgun Shooting Skill Errors Eternal Life What Goes
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Around... I Know Who You Are! Squib Joke The Voice Torture With Things
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Laying Around At Home Divine Problems Listen Carefully What Happened?
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Judgement Day Electricity Toy Soldiers The Lost Soul Smog's Revenge Laser
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Human Terrorism The Cure For Paranoia 10th Generation Headhunter Backfire
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(coop with Phearless) People of the Elite Scene - Yargh! Meanwhile Feline
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Superiority The Family Man Utopia Two Poems in One (coop with Phearless)
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Sex! Meaning Of Life Vampires Anno 90's Church Of The Re(A)listic What Do
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You Think About Bleed? Dental Torture The Civilized Primitive Prowler
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Elite Modemtraders The Missionary Man ...As If Every Day... Perpetum
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Mobile - Three Poems The Open Road Towards The Future They Are Coming Why?
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Als Sprach - Ten Topics The House Of The Criminally Insane The Last Night
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Of The World Live On Stage Again: Messiah! The Last Frontier The Killing
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Truth The Lynch Mob Prometheus Symptom Rage! The Power Declare War! A Day
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For Tired People Exciting Life An Amazing Christmas Tale The Man Behind Bob
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- The Serial Killer How To Make a Bomb! Interrogation Red Team The Stand A
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Theory of Justice - The Game Show Five Stories From The Metaphysical
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Workshop The Eternal Machine Operation Moon Sucker Wild West Who Knows?
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Gas Station Lock picking using the Lock Clicker The Fanatic Hunter The Good
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Life Final Discovery City of Slaves Analys av Roda Arme Fraktionens
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Politiska Mal Vagen ut Methods for Creating a Paranoid Lifestyle (coop with
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Hedge) Practical Redress
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This is what you read.
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This is what you get.
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//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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This is what you hear and this is what you get.
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No copyright Front 242. Call THE STASH +46-13-NEVERSTOP
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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Ho ho ho.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #184 Underground eXperts United 1994 uXu #184
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Call PEGASUS -> +41-71-715577
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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