181 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
181 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
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########## ### ### ##########
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[The Twelve Miscellaneous Facts About Life] [ By The Chief ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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T H E T W E L V E M I S C E L L A N E O U S F A C T S A B O U T
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### ### ###### ######
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######## ### ### ######## . . .
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"Everybody knows.. it never works"
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-Sebadoh
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--> Life
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I'm sure you've heard of it somewhere, sometime. Perhaps someone
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mentioned it to you on the bus or you heard about it on the tube?
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No? Well, it's a simple concept really. One is forced into it to
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begin with, and then rushed out of it sooner than one expected
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(mostly). Right, it's like having sex. See? You're already getting
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the picture. Freakin' Wow! Who needs those 'how to..' text files?
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Ummm.. sorry. Hey waitaminute. Star Trek time. I'll be right back.
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Stay put!
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Oooh. 'twas that '73 re-run I missed yesterday! Boy oh boy, am I
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exited or what!? Duuh, where were we now... aha, oh yea. Let's
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beam down to the text file at hand shall we?
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--> Life (..again)
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Some people say it is a wonderful thing, others say it's hell. How
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can one thing mean two completely different things? The answer must
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be carefully thought through before speaking of it. What it is?
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>Hah< It's easy!
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Spock says "Some people are rich and some are poor."
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Well, perhaps it isn't *that* simple, but it is the beginning of the
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explanation to the problem about the joy and/or disgust of life.
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--> Rich and Poor
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Rich people can also be disgusted by life in itself, but for
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completely different reasons than the poor. A quite amusing
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fact is, that whatever the rich person's reasons for hating
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life are, almost the exact same reasons make the poor ones
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love life. So, let's say for example that that rich dude down
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the road hate life because he has too much money, the poor
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fella up the road thanks God when he get his hands on some.
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The rich dude got just too many women for him to handle, when
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the poor guy never even gets to see any action.
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No, but seriously. Life stinks, right? Yeah, you never get what
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you want out of it, and you never earn enough money to buy that
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Porsche you've been looking at for 40 years. You want facts?
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Serious facts? Then don't read on.
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--> The Twelve Miscellaneous Facts of Life
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1) You never get what you wish for at christmas. That toy you
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so badly wanted always turned into a really loooong, too large
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and helplessly ugly sweater, or clothes at least. *Anything*
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but the things you wanted.
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2) You're always too young for everything. "You have to be home
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by 7pm sharp.", "You must not do that on your own.", "No you
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aren't allowed to drive.", "No you're too young for alcohol.",
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"No it's 20 here, beat it kid!"... and so on. Stinks!
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3) You never have the same opinion as your teachers when it comes
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to your grades. Ever. They always seemed to have a strange
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opinion that you never studied, even if you just spent the last
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ten years of your, (yes it's coming now), life, studying.
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4) Your teachers Always tell you that *their* classes are the most
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important ones and then when you had 10 tests on the same day
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you mess 9 (or 10) of them up just because you had to study
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for all of them on the same night! (the night before of course).
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Now, couldn't they have put them on different days? Noooo!
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Why would THEY change their scedules, just so YOU can pass
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their tests?
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5) Your first job? Yeah, the lowest salary you've ever had!
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A couple of bucks a month because "You're so young". Even
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if you made a complex system for a company that would have
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cost them thousands of dollars, you get the same salary.
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Even if you worked like five people, you still get those lousy
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bucks a month. It's the *age* thing. (more on low salaries
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later on though).
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6) Your first girlfriend. Chloe.. Ok, Janet. Alright, Lisa.
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Hey, Alice in fucking wonderland for all I care. Whatever.
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(Who remember names?) Did you really think you would make
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it with her? Hahahaha! Never on Your Life! You just held
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hands, perhaps a swift kiss, and then, two days later, she
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dumped you for the Geek of the week. Girls, or later in life,
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Women never fill your life with joy longer than the first
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two weeks. Then one morning, you notice that you've been
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sleeping with the devil. THE BATHROOM IS MINE!! GET OUT!
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And you go on to the next 'fantastic' woman. Expect the
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unexpected though. You MIGHT meet the "right" one, if you're
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not careful enough. (a brief hint: see 8)
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7) Your neighbor always have MORE than you. No no, I'm not talking
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about something special here. He always have MORE and BETTER
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things than you. Of Everything! Still, he always borrow Your
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stuff, and you never get it back. If you do get lucky, and find
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that he really did return some of it one rainy day, the stuff
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is barely recognizable. If you think you can use those things
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again, think again. They're never in the same condition they
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were before.
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8) You get married. (I'm sure I don't have to write more about that!)
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9) Your kids grow up to be bums. You have never had such a low-
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paid job before. Raising kids is a tough job, and you don't
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even get paid for it! The only pleasure you'll ever get from
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that job, is when they move out of your house. (Then, you just
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get their bills to pay, instead of christmas-cards, for the rest
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of your.. but of course, life.)
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10) You're too old for everything. "Look granpa, you have to be home
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by 7pm or we'll get worried.", "No, you must not do that alone.",
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"No, I can drive you if you want to go somewhere.", "Alcohol is
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bad for your liver.", "Hey old man, this place is for Young
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people, beat it!"... etc etc. Sucks!
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11) You're "installed" in a home for old people. They said it'll be
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good for you, to be among people your age. Instead, you feel worse
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because 90% of them are 10 years older than you and people die
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like flies around you. The nurses are either escaped convicts
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with a bad habit of terrorizing people, or they're 20-year-old
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centerfolds who'll give you an heart attack just by showing up
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at the door to your "own room". (they plan ahead, you got to
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give 'em that). No thanks.
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12) The End. Yeah, after spending your life, hating life, you
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finally get what you want, right? WRONG. When the time comes,
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you don't want that either!
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Sheesh! What rubbish! Poohh.
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Hit the polka!
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #133 Anon Underground eXperts United 1993 FTP uXu #133
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ftp.lysator.liu.se uglymouse.css.itd.umich.edu zero.cypher.com
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