201 lines
9.2 KiB
Plaintext
201 lines
9.2 KiB
Plaintext
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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[ The House Of The Criminally Insane ] [ By The GNN ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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"THE HOUSE OF THE CRIMINALLY INSANE"
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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"This story is dedicated to everybody who reads it.
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SOON IT MIGHT HAPPEN TO YOU TOO! HA HA HA!"
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This is plain fiction. All incidents and individuals
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are made up. Even this text is faked. Nothing exists.
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You are only dreaming this. I take no responsibility.
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Why am I writing this? Who am I, anyway?
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"... on?...is it on? Carl, IS THE BLOODY CAMERA ON? Turn it on then!
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Is the mic on? OKAY it is on then! Everything ready?
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Here we go..."
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<CLONK>
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"Good evening and welcome to LARRY LIVE! Tonight, I am standing in front
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of a bizarre house that would make Stammerheim or Alcatraz look like summer
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camps for disturbed children!
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Yep, I am talking about the infamous H.O.T.C.I (House of the Criminally
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INSANE) jail! Many of our dear viewers have written to me and BEGGED me to
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do a report from this place and... well, here I am! Enough talking, let
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us go inside and see what REALLY happens behind these walls of concrete.
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The truth about the activities behind the mad dogs, electrified fences and
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mine fields... hang on!"
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"Who is it?"
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"This is LARRY from LARRY LIVE! I have an appointment with Mr Tarantino
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about your BEAUTIFUL jail here and..."
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"Please wait... Oh! I see that you actually want to meet Mr Tarantino!
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Welcome. Step inside. Just let me open the bomb-proof steel door, turn
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off the alarm and neutralize our poison spiders."
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"Thank you!"
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"Yes? What do you want? I am a busy man you know!"
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"Mr Tarantino, you are the "headmaster" of this charming little
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institution and have been so for the last thirty years. You are also the
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founder of H.O.T.C.I. Please answer our viewers the simple question: What
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are you actually doing in this lovely house?"
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"Ah, the press! To answer you question Larry; this is not a normal
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house, it is a concrete jail with mad dogs and sadistic guards. We help
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certain criminals back to a normal life. Blues Brothers says: 'we are on
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a mission from God'. We say: 'we are on a mission from the government'.
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Get it? Haha! It is almost the same!"
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"Uhm... very funny! Ha ha! Ha ha? Now, well... uhm... what is your
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speciality then?"
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"Hackers! Electro Wizards! Phreakers! Crazed fanatical youths who
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still believe that they can change the world by simply turning on their
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home computer! Some of them can, that is why we exist. Those little
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pimpled kids have been a pain in the arse for our government for the last
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thirty years. Many of them crashes systems, finds data about or leaders
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that no one actually wants to know (I am especially referring to that
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'no-panties' pictures that was spread from Pentagon last year) or do other
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magical carpet rides in the secret matrix world! Bah! Insane! Criminally
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insane!"
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"This sounds great to me. As our dear viewers know, even LARRY LIVE had
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some trouble with a hacker before! A strange individual penetrated our
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computers and forced us to show love stories with active physical sports!
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However... how do you heal these mad men?"
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"How WE heal them, mr Larry! We! We are a team at this jail! To answer
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your question: it is not easy. It requires top-quality psychological
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techniques all the way back from Freud to modern chilly ice baths, I tell
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you that!"
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"How interesting! Are you willing to demonstrate some of your classy
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methods?"
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"Of course. Follow me and I will show you!"
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"What the... cut!"
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<CLONK>
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"You are standing on my microphone wire, Carl. I cannot move."
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"Sorry."
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<CLONK>
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"In here we have the physical training! As you know, all hackers usually
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have a thin body, gained from years of no movement at all. They only walk
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when they move from the bed to the computer or from the computer to the
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mail box. In here they lift weights, do push-ups and other hard work.
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It usually takes five years before they reach status 'normal condition'.
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There is nothing to see in here, let us move on."
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("WORK OR DIE!")
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"Just a minute. Who is screaming in there?"
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"Ah, that is our teacher, Uncle Bob. Bob is a hard (but fair) guy who
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uses his pedagogical strength to force the criminals to work."
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"What is that other sound?"
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"Well, he uses a whip too. Nothing to worry about. Let us go."
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("WORK YOU ASSHOLE! DO IT OR I KILL YOU! FUCK YOU! I WANT TO SEE BLOOD
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POUR OUT OF YOUR EARS, LAME-BRAINS! WORK!")
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<CLONK>
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"Did he say the F-word? Live on television? Great..."
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<CLONK>
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"Here is the psychological help! Our well-educated shrinks talks to the
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hackers and convinces them how bad they really are. Naturally, we also
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torture them."
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"You torture them? With alligator clips and electricity?"
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"No, no! We ask them certain questions and if they answer them wrong,
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the whole wall in front of them is filled with the text 'access denied'.
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They freak out completely! Very funny scene to watch, actually. If they
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were not strapped to the chair, they might kill themselves. I love it!"
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"Right..."
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"We also have got twenty other treatments, like 'learn to love the
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leaders', 'computers are bad bad bad', 'talk to females, take them home and
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actually DO that kinds of stuff you find in the naughty.girls.without.
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clothes.pics section', 'call from a pay-phone and actually PAY for the
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call with real money' and so on... But all of that would take too much
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time to go through! So let me show you one of our healthy patients, who
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is soon going to be released from here! You may interview him! Follow me!"
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<CLONK>
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"Mr Larry, do you own a gun?"
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"No, I do not... why do you ask?"
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"Take mine. If the patient suddenly starts to talk about how much he
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loves modems and computers, shoot him in the head."
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<CLONK>
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"Hello, my name is Larry from LARRY LIVE. Please tell our viewers who
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you are, why you are here and your future."
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"My name is Dane. I used to call myself Phraudmaster when I was sick.
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My hobby was to penetrate computer systems and fool phone companies all
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over the world. I have been here for ten years now and realized that what
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I did was terribly wrong. I owe a lot to Mr Tarantino. I love him,
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actually."
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"I am glad to hear that you feel good. What have you learned in this
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House of the Criminally INSANE?"
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"Mostly, how BAD it is to hack. Hacking to the ultimate crime. The
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government, our leaders, cannot get people like me that easy. When you are
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a hacker, you learn to hide. You learn how safe it is to be a criminal. I
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mean, if you murder someone, there are certain tracks the police can
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follow. But with hacking, it is different. That is why we must be healed!
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Long live Mr Tarantino! Long live the government! Long live the phone
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companies! God bless the unbreakable passwords!"
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"Have you learned anything else?"
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"Well... I have also learned that in the REAL WORLD, no problems are
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solved with computers. In the real world, computers are nothing more than
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tools. Problems are not solved by these tools."
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"So, how do you solve problems nowadays?"
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"Like this."
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SMACK!
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<CLONK>
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"Gosh! Did you see that! A crazed youth struck Larry right over the
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face on television! Check it out! Blood is all over the floor! All this,
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on LARRY LIVE! I can hardly believe it! Check it out!"
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"Oh dear. Poor Larry! What was it all about, anyway?"
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"No idea... some nut house, I think. Turn over to channel X. I do not
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want to watch this any more."
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<CLICK>
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////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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Why must some people just keep on talking about their
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girl friends? WHY? WHY? CALL SEDES DIABOLI +46-586-SHUTUP
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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I have not got the book with me.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #132 Underground eXperts United 1993 uXu #132
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Call RIPCO ][ -> +1-312-528-5020
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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