224 lines
9.5 KiB
Plaintext
224 lines
9.5 KiB
Plaintext
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UUUU UUUU PPPPPPPPPP PPPPPPPPPP EEEEEEEEEEEE RRRRRRRRRRR
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uuuu uuuu ppp pp ppp pp eee rrr rr
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uuuu uuuu pppppppppp pppppppppp eeeeee rrrrrrrrrrr
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uuuu uuuu ppp ppp eeeeee rrrrrrrrrrr
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uuuu uuuu ppp ppp eee rrr rrr
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uuuuuuuuu ppp ppp eeeeeeeeeeee rrr rr 10:
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The lemon-lime soda.
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============================================================================
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Once upon a time each homosapien on the planet Earth was a part of
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every other. An intelligent person could learn more in meeting another
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of his kind, than he could reading a book.
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Every time two intelligent people met they could take something
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positive from the other, and incorporate that into themselves. Because of
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this every man was a part of the other, causing a certain brotherhood
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between men.
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If you can meet a person and learn nothing from the encounter, either
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your an idiot, or the person your meeting is. Because of this, once upon a
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time unintelligent people were outsiders, and the intelligent man ruled.
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Craving for a piece of that togetherness, the idiots of the world
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found a tool that could make them a part of something. That tool was
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conformity. Through conformity idiots banned together, losing there
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individual thoughts and beliefs and becoming a part of the whole. This was
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the dawning of hippies.
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Now that the idiots had found there spirit of togetherness there
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influence spread. Then one day the idiots leader commited the ultimate act
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of stupidity and killed himself. Suddenly everyone said they were an idiot.
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They all conformed, and lost there individuality in the process. Soon it
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was considered good to be stupid, it was cool to feel pain. Idiots ruled
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the day, and were soon to take over the planet. What do you think would
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happen if todays morons gained control over our government? How do we get
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back to the day of the intelligent man?
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\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
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Welcome to the second issue of Upper 10: The Lemon Lime Soda. And
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also coincidentally the second stage in the rehabilitation of Handle as a
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writer. I actually think that my rehabilitation is going quite well, I have
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gone from random babblings to actual stories with a beginning, middle, and
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end.
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There's only one catch, those stories are neither good, nor amusing,
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nor anything. Oh, well these sort of things take time. If things go as
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planned, I will eventually regain enough of my writing stature to change the
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name of this 'zine to, "7-up: The Uncola". And then following that I will
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be able to once again write for the elustrious 'zine raD.
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Well instead of babbling on for a horribly long time, I'll put out the
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two most horrible things I've ever written, and let you read them. CARAMBA!
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/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
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"The Many Exploits of Lynn Belvedere: Der Fuhrer"
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Like a mighty roar of thunder from the heavens, bombs crash down on
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the bunker of Lynn, violently shaking it, and forcing plaster to rain down
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from the ceiling. Furiously storming around the room and cursing to himself
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Mr. Belvedere can only bring himself to say one word.
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"WESSSSSLEY!"
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Suddenly breaking his fit of rage, the door to his private room
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swings open. Startled Lynn jumps, but then calms down as he sees who it is.
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"Mein Fuhrer! We must talk!"
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"Ah, if it isn't Dwayne from 'What's Happening', minister of propaganda.
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How are our defenses holding up?"
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"That's what we need to talk about. The Russians are within minutes of
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breaking through and capturing us all."
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"My word, that is quite disturbing."
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Suddenly both men are interupted by another entering the room. He is
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J.J. Walker, minister of enemy relations.
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"The Russian Scout Teams have entered the top floors of the Bunker mein
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Fuhrer! They are killing our legions at random!"
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"Take us to Def.Con. 4."
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"You mean..."
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"Yes, give them the Souffle that I just baked as a sign of trust."
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"Right away Mein Fuhrer."
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"Mein Fuhrer?"
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"Yes Dwayne?"
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"I've just got word from our Secret Agents George and Weezy, from their High
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rise, communications base."
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"And what have they to say."
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"General Patton is coming in strong from our west, his third Army has
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completely decipated our army of black 70's sitcom stars."
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"Damn! Then the Souffle won't work! Now we are facing the Americans and
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not just those pansy Russians!"
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"That is correct sir, I never could understand why the Americans would Ally
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themselves with such scum."
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"It is all over Dwayne, get out word to our officers, and distribute the
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cyanide capsuls."
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"But sir..."
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"No dice Dwayne, it's over. Damn those Americans! And Damn General
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Patton!"
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Solemly Mr. Belvedere sends Dwayne away from his quarters and
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proceeds to write a final exerpt in his diary.
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Today my crusade finally ends. After leaving my service with the
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Owens family I assumed that taking over the planet would be the next most
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logical step. But apparently those damn allies didn't think so. Oh well,
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nevermind, at least I exterminated that horrible, horrible race. Cheerio.
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With this Lynn burns his diary and takes enough poison to prove fatal.
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\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
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"I Hate Niggers and Faggots."
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Today if I was a negro I would have woken up in a pile of shit and
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maggots at three in the afternoon. I wouldn't be able to have any
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breakfast because I would be black and not have much money. Damn, I can't
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take a shower either because whitey turned off the water. I sure am hungry
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though, so I go out and sell crack on the curb.
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"Oh, no here comes a rival gang with guns blazing!" Damn, shot in
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the shoulder again. Usually I try to take it in the leg or the arm but they
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got me by surprise this time.
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After I stopped bleeding a funny thing happened to me. I thought for
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a second that I had to go to school, but that's silly, I don't need an
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education. I'm gonna be in the NBA! Man what was I thinking? It must have
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been from all that blood I lost.
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I'm kind of tired after being shot and everything so I decide to
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listen to gangsta' rap and drink as much malt liquor as I can before I pass
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out.
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Man, those negros sure do have it tough, I should really start being
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nice to them. I wonder what my day would be like if I was homosexual...
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Waking up at six in the morning I'm appalled to find out I left a
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batch of Boysenberry muffins in the oven all night long! I lost most of my
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kitchen, even the flower patterned curtains I spent all week sewing! Man,
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what a horrible way to start my day.
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My depression didn't last long though, I started to get horny. As
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you probably know, us gay men are horny all of the time. I spend most of my
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day going out and hitting on obviously straight men that hate my faggot ass.
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I get a kick out of trying to have sex with people who hate me.
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After a long day of hitting on straight men, I dress up like a women
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and go dancing with my boyfriend Shawna. I wore the red dress because the
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purple one makes my thighs look fat. After dancing I had anal sex with
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other gay men for hours on end!
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Those gay people sure are disgusting, I'm gonna try not to go around
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them anymore, faggots.
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If I was the average man living in Asia I would have to wake up early
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to practice Tai Chi and soothe my soul. I have to be at peace with Buddah
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if I'm going to kamikaze into an American boat later. First things first
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though, I got to go tend to the rice fields.
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Getting to my fighter plane isn't easy because I have to ride my bike.
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I just detest cars, most of us Asians do. I meet up with my friend Chang
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outside of his work. He makes Hitashi products. After we meet up we ride
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our bicycles to our planes and crash them into the first American ship that
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we see.
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I hate those damn round eyes, I am glad to give up my life to kill
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them. If even just a few. Stupid free market economy.
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Being a bigot is fun and easy, minorities suck, so do fags. peace
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/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
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Well that about wraps it up for this issue of upper10. Hopefully this
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whole not being able to write thing won't last for to much longer, but hey,
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what'cha gonna do?
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"I just spent 14 dollars, and I feel like puking."
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- craig bernautus after spending an hour with his girlfriend at a
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county fair.
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\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-
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Upper 10: The Lemon Lime Soda is a really horrible zine created by Handle
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because he's not a good enough writer to write for raD anymore
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Upper 10 members: Handle
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If you have any submitions for Upper 10, you should go out and have your
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sanity checked
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I just realized that both articles in this 'zine have something to do with
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racism. No offense.
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(c) fake copyright
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/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
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