272 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
272 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
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.:::. _________ .::::::.
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..:::::::::::::.. / | :::: ::::
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.::: ::::::: :::. | xx |____ ::::. :
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:: ::::: :: | xxx// \ III ::::::.
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: ::: : | _ _/ / __ \II III :::::::.
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::: | / \ / / /__|_ \ III IIIII :::::::
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::: \ \ \| / // /|\ | II IIII III ::::::
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::::: \ \ \/_// /I|| | III : ::::
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::::: OXIC \ \____/ /I || | :::.....:::: HOCK
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.:::::::. \ / // /__ ::::::::::
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::::::::::: \______/ L\_____\ ::::::::
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"Oh my God, he did an ASCII Fetus drawing!"
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Toxic Fucking Shock presents
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Stud Trashing Master's "Doobie Smokin"
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by K-Rad Awesome Stud Trashing Master
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Edited by Andrew Die Slay
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..er..
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Gross Genitalia
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Toxic File #92
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Centre of Eternity 615.552.5747 40 megs 750+ files HQ of Toxic Shock
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"Christian propaganda is like Tupperware - Once the shit's locked in it's
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sealed in there forever."
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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Editor's Notes: The following guide is really and completely true. I mean,
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STM knows what he's talking about. Honestly, he's a really ]<00l g-narly
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d00d. He has a big ego but that's okay, you should trust everything he
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says because he a r-EE-le respectable k-rad d00d! I mean, he taught me
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absolutely everything I know about anything that ever is and WAS... like
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shitting with pleasure and restaurant phun with little packets of ketchup
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and shoving dead animals up my ass and running around town naked with
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knife hanging out my nose and... whew, can't even go on because this guy
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is a gnarly bitchin def fresh KEEEENNN-0 d0000dzdz!!
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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Hi d00dz, I'm Stud Trashing Master, and I know how to trash and party and
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get REEEEEALAALLLLLYYYY fukt up! I'm so c000000000l I just DON'T know WHAT to
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DO with myself. I mean shit, I went trashing last week with Taran King, Dave
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Letterman, Tuc, Video Vindicator, Electronic Rebel, Dispater, Swamp Rat,
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Franken Gibe, Tequila Willy, the rest of cDc, Gross Genitalia, Bloody
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Afterbirth, Fetal Juice, and Dr. RipCo (because I wanted to cheer him up after
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his board got taken away by the motherfuckin fuckin fuck fuck cops and also
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to show off my reeeealeee bad ass trashing tek-neex. I told them all to stay
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in the car becuz they might get hurt so I went into a dumpster and found two
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UNEATEN Whoppers and took a Chicken McNugget from a bum that was there and hit
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him in his head because I'm a bad ass die slay killer bitch kill fuck damn shit
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pillage make people burn and get outta my way burn fuck rape old ladies eat
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shit die slay jumble shop Big Lots!
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By the way, never mind!
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But anyway, the whole trashing thing was boring becuze I had soooooOOOO
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many credit cards (the real things, not those fukin CARBONS like all U wimps
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get you fuck shit bitches!) I didn't know what to do and I found fifteen
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Telenet logins but wouldn't give them to Swamp Rat who wanted to put them in
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a cDc phile so I said "Die die slay fuck dogs rape your mother worship Satan
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kill Fundys eat shit rape wrinkly pussied women and dogs fuck shit bitch blah
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blah FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT DAMNIT goddamnitibbidybimo!"
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Well I just want Y00 to gno, between you and me, that *I* was the one who
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wrote EEEEEVRYTHING in the first issue of the Flaming Fetus from Toxic Shock
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because they were too humble and I decided to show everyone just how
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intelligent I really am and if you don't believe me ask Bloody Afterbirth and
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he'll tell you to kiss his a$$ becuz you are just TOOOOOOO stupid to know any
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thing so go all the way to he!! and say he[[0 (my mommy won't let me say the
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real word, honest! But I raped her and killed her last week and ate her kidneys
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really!) to Satan because he's my best friend and I know him personally and you
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don't so fuck fuck off die slay bite my hairy ass oops... it's not hairy cuz
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I shave it and my genital hair too becuz I'm special so nyah bitch fuck!)
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Anyway, this file is s'posed to be about HOOTER SMOKIN' doncha KNOW??!!?!?!
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Yeah, well last week my brother, Stud Pillage Burn Killer, the most awesome
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nuke-em-out-the-ass killer slay ax murder d00d in the WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY,
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well, the ENTIRE U-KNEE-VURZ, and my awesome humble self got a hold of some
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REEEEEAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY g00d kwalitee DOPE dudezz, I mean like this shit was
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bitchin' ass demonweed!!!! (ED: The shit was harsh as fuck and probably had
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as much THC as a corn in a baby's turd but hey, that don't matter, read on
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Excellent Dudez!) But anyway, Stud Pillage Burn Killer rolled up a big fat
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reefer (I ain't learnd howz 2 yet so FUCK OFF die slay piss in Mason jarz
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cuz I'm going to learn soon from Gross Genitalia! He told me he'd show me how!
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Well actually I already know but I'm just SOOOOOOO humble and I can't show off
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now can I fuck fuck fuck MOLEST CRUCIFY DEFECATE!)
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So we had like this REEEEELLLEEEE good dope and we were smokin it and I
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almost got choked because the shit was SOOO strong (ED: He doesn't know how to
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take a hit worth shit off a damned doobie, BUT...) so my kid sister came in the
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room and hit me on my back and tried to give me the Heimlech maneuver cuz she
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thought I wuz dyin and shit so I turned around and threw a right cross and
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knocked the bitch cold. Well my bro was laughin his ass off so I went in the
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kitchen and got a meat cleaver and came back and started hackin and the bitch
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cuz I'm just TOOOOO k00lzzeblahskibimo for her so hack hack fuck fuck piss eat
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shit bitch die SLLAAAAAYYYYY!!! Anywayz, we got back to smoking this keen-0
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jammin dope (really, it was the best! Doncha wish you knew where my bro gets
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such GOOOOD dope you pathetic fuckin idiot SCHMUCKS??!!?!?!?!?) Well, since
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I can't tell ya that my bro gets his dope from a friend in Missouri, I guess I
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can tell ya l0zr d00dz how to smoke the good shit you might get, although
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NUTHIN you get is gonna be as good as this shit --<<((++**I'VE**++))>>--
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got right here in this Ziplock bag, sealed with a Sesame Street Friends
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Band-Aid and a super-absorbent Kotex pad for X-TRA protection!!! REALLY, that's
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what the box sayz!
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Well anywayzzznesses... the first thing U do is get some really prime dope.
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Like, aren't I just SOOO cool and bad for knowing this? Oh gosh gee, I amaze
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me! Whoa, a rhyme! In time! My God I must be stonededed AGAIN... I'm just such
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an awesome poet I think I'll put myself on display at the Smithsonian for
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EEEEvryone in the World to come marvel at. I'm the eighth wonder of the world!!
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(ED: Really, he is! Scientists have proven it by geometric equations! This
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dude is SOOO keen-o bitchin rad jammin and juked out shit and he loooooves to
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kill people too!)
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So anyhow, you get yerselves some rolling papers. I make mine from Mead
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notebook paper I use at school to draw naked pictures of my English teacher
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but that kinda burns your mouth off. But honest, my mouth doesn't have a
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burn scar on it becuz I'm just WAY cool and I'm totally resistent to disease
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and pain and violence becuz I cause it and don't get and I'm rubber and yer
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gloo, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to yoo! Nyah! (ED: Honestly,
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I can't stress enough how BAD STM really IZ!!! But I'd suggest getting a book
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of Tops rolling papers and stay away from newsprint or notebook paper.)
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The next step...is a secret!!!! Don't you wish you KNEW IT!!!!?!?!?!?!?
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Well ***I*** do, and not even my k00l-bitchin brother DUZ!!!
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Well since you're all so stupid, next you take your rolling paper and fold
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it up a bit, but not TOO much because all you fucking GEEKS can't HANDLE a big
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quantity of dope at once like ***I*** can!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm BADDDDD!! Now
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fold up the cornerz and you got yerself a pouch to put your mediocre dope in.
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Really, I know this honestly truth on Boy Scout honor that it's mediocre becuz
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only my bro can get GOOD dope worth smokin!!!! DIE DIE DIE SLAY SHRED RIP!!
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So take this dope-filled pouch and start rolling it up the paper. Every
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couple rolls take the pouch and roll it back and forth a bit to even the dope
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out in the pouch. Oh yeah, I said I didn't know how to roll a doobie. Wellll...
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my bro just taught me a minute ago so FUCK FUCK YOU!!! Now go masturbated like
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I....nevermind!
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Well anyway, roll it on up and get the dope all evened out so you won't
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get too much and kill yourself!!!! Cuz *I'M* the one that's going to kill you
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and use your corpse for all kindz of fukt purposes so just die kill lay over
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play dead eat shit fuck mumble jack shit doody jumbo DEAD PEOPLE -R- K00L!!!!!!
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So now you've got it rolled up, twist it at both endz 2 keep yer dope in!!
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Cuz if it falls out I'll find it and pile it together with other pepulz spilt
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dope and roll me up a hellacious hooter and smoke smoke smoke and get reeeeel
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HIGH!@!@!@!@!
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Well now take your Bitchin Bic and fire that baby up and like take a drag
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off it (oh my, like I forgot, you're all so stupid you don't even know what a
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DRAG is! Geezus on two popcicle sticks!) And like so all U geek won't torch
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yerselvez cuz you can't take in good dope cuz yer all PUSSIES!!!!!... hold the
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hooter away frum yer mouth and take it in along with sum air so it like won't
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be so harsh. Gosh, I amaze myself.... cuz I can take it and and smoke half
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a hooter in ONE DRAG!!!!! (ED: Honestly, he can!!! I've seen him do it!!!!)
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Now in case yer havin trouble getting the shit down there, take the hooter
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and stick about 1/3 of it up yer ass and get it all greased up. Now pump yer
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anal muscles to get some smoke up there and let one of yer friends (but don't
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share any dope with them!) stick his/her tongue up there and inhale the smoke.
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Then let him/her blow the smoke back in yor mouth like a k00l kat! And then
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take a big drag off the doob and the smoke and burnt shit will pave your throat
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and lungs for anything!
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Oops, I just gave away my secret for smoking half a hooter in one drag!
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Oh well, I got SOOOOOO many more secrets that NO ONE knows but *&^ME^&* and
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only *I* can get reeeeeeal enjoyment from tokin up.
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But anyway, now you got yer reefer goin, and you might pass it around to
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a couple of friends now that you are a REAL STONERZ kinda d00d. So once yer
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all high, and probably buttfucking each other, hang a cleanerz bag from the
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ceiling and light it with yer Bitchin Bic!!! Like it's SOOOO cool to watch
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this shit go while honestly and officially STONED!!! Yeah, I'm the one who
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INVENTED this idea and it's COPYRIGHTED so if you use this without my
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supreme and God-like permission I'll hunt yer ass down, steal yer drugs, and
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just rip out yer guts and eat them then spit bile all over you and pour acid
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in your abdominal cavity and scream things about blood and guts and death to
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make you puke all over yourself and then stomp stomp mutilate jump skydive
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fuck fuck shit all over yer face and then FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKCKCKCKCKCKC!! !!!
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Well one time by using this exCLUSIVE method of doobie smokin' (and of
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course employing my own little "secrets") I got like SOOOO fuckin high my
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brother had to peel me off the ceiling!!
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Oh yeah! Well, forget it!! You couldn't handle it!!
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But anyway, I was like so high and I ran out in the yard and stripped off
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all my clothes and fucked the cat fucked the dog fucked a tree fucked the car
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then ate grasss and dirt and ran down the street and sat on a fire hydrant and
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let that metal tip squeeze up into my ass (I only remember all this cuz my
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brother told me so laterz...) and it felt so good I rode up and down up and
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down and masturbated and it was SOOOO good cuz I was like FLYING over da MOON.
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So anyway a cop came and tried to arrest me so I came all over his face and
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shit on his spit-shined shoes and was so fukt up d00dz, that like I picked
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up a sewer grate and slammed it down over the cops head (the one on his
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shoulders you DOOFUS!!) cuz I just had sooo much super-strength and like it was
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soooo neat and the neighbors were all around and I was yelling like "Fuck you
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die slay pillage burn hey that's almost my brother's name shop Big Lots molest
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babies eat shit bang elderly people blow up nursing homes nuke die slay fuck
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shit bastard bitch damn cock cunt sex orgasmic secretions in Neo-Yuppie's
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coffee!!!!*!*!*!*!*!!!*!*!!*!" and everyone ran in fear cuz they knew I must be
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SOOOO kool they couldn't stay around and look at my bee-YOOO_tiful naked body
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any longer so the cop was dead and I stole his car and drove off and cliff and
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jumped out and grabbed hold of a branch and ran it in and out in and out of my
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ass and it felt so GOOOOD that I had the strength of ten men and climbed back
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up the cliff and walked home... all 20 MiLES..and got dressed and sat down to
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read National Geographic cuz I was soberin up and so I drank a fifth of
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Absolut and had some reeeallly good too-kee-la!!!! So like my parents got home
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and I thought about raping my mom but like my dick was throbbing from cumming
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all over the cop so I just &HAD% to go roll up another doobie and smoke it
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becauz I'm so BITCHIN KEEN RAD FUCK SHIT AWESUMMMMMM!!!!!
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Well anyway, another hint, if you got some really bad stash and it's just
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TOO bad for U to handul, you kould mail it 2 me, or if yer feelin like a real
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nigger (not like those things you see on TV) then maybe you could soak it in
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some rubbing alcohol or ammonia, or maybe even some Massengill's douche like
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I do...
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FUCK FUCK FUCK goddamnitski shit shit slay rape cow embyros!! I just gave
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away my hardest kept secret!!! Oh shit!!! Well, okay assH0lz, so now you kn0
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the primo seret of my awesome self, Stud Trashing Master and doobie smokin'
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expert. If ya got bad dope (hey, that's not to say that I ever have BAD DOPE!
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I got good Missouri shit and Kentucky sinsi!!!) then soak the shit in mild
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vinegar and water Massengill's douche. I steal mommy's and she always wonders
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where it goes to but I just say I douche my little sister for phun and s0 she
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just sendz me 2 my room without supper (but HA! She never does know that I've
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already eaten barbequed MAYOR! And they wonder why the mayors are always
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disappearing! And I tell my mom 2 vote for the next mayor that I think looks
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good and meaty and will make for good necrophiliac se... oops! Nevermind!)
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Well I'm like just so TOOOOOOOtally pissed now that I've revealed my
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bestest secrets to U geek l0zr schmoozers. So here's a final summary of good
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hooter smokin from my awesome and now depressed self. Fuck off.
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Guidelines for good Douchy-Dope Doobie Smokin'
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----------------------------------------------
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1. Get the dope, no matter how bad it is.
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2. Soak the dope in Massengill's mild vinegar and water douche for two days.
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3. Get rolling papers.
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4. Form a pouch by foldin the fuckin corners and makin a fuckin pouch for yer
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fuckin dope. Roll the shit up and occasionally roll the pouch in yer thumbs
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to even yer dope out. Fuck fuck fuck.
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5. Twist the damned fuckin ends.
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6. Light the fuckin hooter and take a fuckin drag.
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7. Smoke the hooter
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7b. If havin trouble holdin yer toke, hold the hooter from yer mouth and take
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in air with the dope.
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7c. If you still are SUCH a FUCKIN PUSSY, then stick the hooter 1/3 way into
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yer anal orifice and contract and expand the muscles. Let a friend take
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the smoke out and blow it into yer mouth. Smoke, the shit-laden hooter and
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now you can take big big drags like I can. Fuck fuck you die slay.
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8. Get really high and go masturbate and cum off on a cop. Really, it's lots
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of phun and phreakin' ass shit. Then drive the cop's car off a cliff.
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8b. Some more phun, light cellophane hangin from a ceiling.
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8c. Even more phun, fuck small animals (i.e. neighbor's pets, neighbor's kids)
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Well like now I've told you how to smoke a hooter and get high off even the
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most shitty of mary jane, and revealed all my secrets fuck fuck shit damnit
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I'm so pissed, don't bother to ask me any questions because I'm so damned
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much better than U d00dz.
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[ED: Well that's it, and it's true, and it WORX!!! Like I've smoked soooo
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much mary jane using this method and the cops of this town are just
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drippin with jism!!! So like try it, and B lookin 4 MORE k00l and TRUE,
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honestly, good shit from Stud Trashing Master, the Trash and Phreak
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Expert and Doobie Smoker Extraordinaire!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
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_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
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Quite obviously this is a parody of things real and unreal, of things
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nondiscord and in accord, and Prelude and Civic...
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I don't see anyone of any IQ taking it seriously although there are some really
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bizarre people in the world... be on the lookout for people smoking with
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big brown stains around their mouths...
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(c) August 1990. Toxic Shock / Gross Genitalia. TSF #92.
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If you or someone you love wants to be a Follower of the Doctrine of Fetus,
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apply at Centre of Eternity. It is back online now, with all Toxic Shock
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files online and fresh with the Gift of Fallopia.
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