192 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
192 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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.:::. .::::::.
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..:::::::.. ::::::::::
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..:::::::::::::.. :::: :::: The Driver
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.::: ::::::: :::. ::::. :
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:: ::::: :: ::::::. By Gross Genitalia
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: ::: : :::::::.
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::: ::::::: Toxic File #88
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::: ::::::
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::::: : :::: Centre of Eternity/615.552.5747
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::::: oxic :::.....:::: hock HQ of Toxic Shock
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.:::::::. :::::::::: 40 megs 750+ files
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::::::::::: ::::::::
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!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@
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Looking through some old junk in the attic, I found some old shit from when I
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took driver's ed some years back. Oh shit, at the memories it brought.
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!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@
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Pop question: If you are driving through an uncrowded intersection, and a
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nigger on a bicycle darts out in front of you, which of the following
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should you do:
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A) Slam on brakes and hope not to hit the kid,
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B) Swerve into the left lane, if nothing is coming and honk the horn, or
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C) Accelerate and plaster the nigger across your windshield and rack up a
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good 500 points.
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While watching all those fucking boring gory movies, I would have chosen C,
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but the driver's ed teacher didn't particularly like me and the dude sitting
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next to me, so we told him to fuck off and go molest his children.
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We had this particular Elvis craze going, and were always striving to top
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each other for the best "Elvis Crossing" sign. On a number of occasions, I was
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threatened with being thrown out of the class. I usually told the teacher to
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go fuck a ten foot tall gorilla in heat.
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But honestly, if you pay any attention to the movies they show (which I rarely
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did), none of the people drive and act like this. I mean, if some bitch rear-
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ends you on the entrance ramp to the interstate, you're not going to get out
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of the car and start exchanging information and waiting for the cops to arrive.
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You're more than likely going to get out, bust the bitch's windows, drag her
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out of the car by the hair, rape her if she isn't an AIDS-infected slut, and
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then beat her with whips and chains, steal her purse (credit cards, checks, and
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cash all included), and drive the fuck away. If they want us to see driving in
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the real world, why don't they show us the facts, not the goddamn Brady Bunch?
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Looking a little further, I found some notes we had made from group discussion.
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I tried to recall everything that happened, with a little difficulty, but it
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went something like this. We had watched a film about some typical drunk
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driving bastard speeding down the road at night, with the typical bastard
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friends sitting in the car going "FASTER FASTER FASTER" as if they were all
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back there conducting an Adam and Eve orgy (refer to "The Fetus" for further
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details). And of course, dude wrecks the car, kills eight people, and sits in
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court looking pitiful and stupid. So the judge sentenced him on 3 to 5 years
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for each of eight counts of vehicular manslaughter and some other shit. We were
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then divided into groups to decide our own punishments for this dumbass fuck.
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Needless to say me and the dude I sat next to were NOT put in the same group.
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First listed is our group's decisions (mostly made by *ME*, the God), and
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then are the punishments by the other dude's group. I have left out some
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personal things none of you would understand much less know what and who the
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fuck I was talking about.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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[Our group's decisions]
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[Please excuse the reference to Christina, we always made her out to be an
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Ax Murderess.]
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The drunk driver will serve 40 years in prison, on 5 years for each of
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eight counts of vehicular manslaughter. He would not be elegable for parole
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until his 24th year. After he eventually gets out his license will be suspended
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for 5 years. In this 5 years, he will be sentenced to community service work.
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He will be on probation for 10 years after he is out.
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He must attend at least three (3) of the following: Alcoholics Anonymous,
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Harriett Cohn, Cumberland Hall, and the Betty Ford Clinic.
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If this doesn't prove effective Christina Chester will chop off his left hand
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and foot and taunt him with pictures of Elvis and make him listen to New
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Kids on the Block for five (5) years.
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He must sing Led Zeppelin lyrics for three (3) years.
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He must wear a black crystal to bring bad luck and go on the Rotation Diet. If
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the diet fails, he must become a vegetarian and shave his head.
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As an alternate punishment, he will be fried in a G.E. Toaster.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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[Other group's punishment]
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This punishment will go in five (5) phases.
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PHASE 1: His license will be revoked. He will be thrown into a cage with a
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horny gorilla. He must wear a sign that says "I killed 8 people!"
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He will be made a roadie on the New Kids world tour. On Friday and
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Saturday of every week, he must spend time in jail with a large
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convicted rapist. Make him wear bell-bottoms and platform shoes.
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PHASE 2: [A normal phase] He will go to jail for two (2) years.
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PHASE 3: He will be the testing tool for Mary Kay Cosmetics for 6 months.
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PHASE 4: Every person in China gets 6 swats at him with a horsewhip.
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PHASE 5: He will be publicly hanged. It will be able to be seen on a
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pay-per-view basis, consult your local cable company.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Additional punishment if any of the two above plans, whether instated
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separately or used together, tend to fail:
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The prisoner will then be locked in a room with the "Fine Young Cannibals"
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and be forced to converse with them about Lesbian Rights Activist Groups
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across America, play Barbie Dolls and hopscotch, jump rope, and engage in
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various kinky acts.
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The accused will then be put on a firing squad, offered Tombstone Pizza and a
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napkin, and then shot. Each of the executioners will wield AK-47's, and none
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of them will be loaded with blanks.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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The rest of our time was spent sitting in class discussing TV commercials and
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loudly exclaiming, "Mom, can I ask you a personal question? Do you DOUCHE?"
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"Why of course, but I only trust Massengill vinegar and water."
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It's really a sad shape to see driver testing in different states. While in
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Florida, you undergo a sensible and REAL test, in other states such as
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Tennessee all you have to do is drive around the block. It's no wonder we have
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so damned many traffic accidents each year.
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Another pop question:
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In the event of a skid, you should:
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A) Turn the wheel in the direction of the skid,
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B) Turn the wheel opposite the direction of the skid,
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C) Perform your own version of Swan Lake with your car while in the skid,
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D) Jump out of the car and hope to land on something soft, or
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E) Steer carefully and take down as many mailboxes and old women as you
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possibly can before recovering to make the whole damn thing look like
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a really bad accident.
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I remember myself arguing with the teacher over those stupid drug and alcohol
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chapters. God it's great to defend mary jane in a driver's ed class with all
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these little Christian Fundys sitting around completely appalled.
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I remember watching some movie called like "A Decade of Highway Death" or
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something. It was from some highway safety place in Ohio. Ohio residents, I
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highly recommend this movie. HAHAHAHA shit, you see some bitch plastered to
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the railroad tracks, they try to lift her, her head falls off, and you find
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out it's your Aunt Bertha. So THAT'S how she got killed... and your mother told
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you she died of a severe yeast infection and itched herself to death. What a
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shame. If you want to see some REAL contortionists, watch this movie some time.
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One bitch was flung from her car, most all the bones in her body were broken,
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blood and shit was all over, and man, I don't see how ANY human could wind up
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in THAT position. Heh heh... and the teacher asked me out of curiosity how I
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liked the movie. HAHAHA... I told him I loved it, especially when they peeled
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that bitch up off the railroad tracks. It's great to be me. I could solicit
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money by offering the "Be Gross Genitalia" two-week mind programming kit but
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I don't think many of you would fall for that. If so I'll get an address to
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you and you can send me some money for me to play with.
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Also, I recall watching that film while the state trooper was there. He was
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talking something about brakes locking up and only 6 to 21 inches before you
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hit the car in front of you or something like that, "6 to 21 inches of
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INSTANT DEATH." Oh SHIT... he obviously must have been improvising on a Long
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Dong Silver movie... shit at 21 inches I think Long Dong would be quite
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impressed. He also told us how he had just returned from California and was
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submitted for AIDS testing by the state. I could have said some wonderfully
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crude things to the son of a bitch but hey, I didn't feel like tangling with
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the really BIG gun he was packing... oh shit, that sounded sick... maybe *I*
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need to be submitted for testing... nah, not really.
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The best part about driver's ed was turning up some rap tape I happened to
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have with me, rolling down the windows, and driving through the projects.
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Ha! There's no fear like having eight of the darkest niggers you've ever
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seen line up in front of a driver's ed car and yell at you. That is, unless,
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you *ARE* one of the darkest niggers you've ever seen in which case all the
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brothers will laugh at you, slide you a quarter bag, bust out the left rear
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window, rip off the "student driver" sign and steal the hubcaps. Of course if
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you were in that shape I don't think welfare would pay for a driver's ed course
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so I better shut up before I get too racially prejudiced and downright crude.
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Before I go any further, I must ask myself a question. Why in the hell am I
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writing a file about driver's education? Oh shit, I MUST be desperate.
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!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@$!#%@
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(c)untslapped July 1990. Toxic Shock / Gross Genitalia. #88.
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Remember that Fetus is seeking more Chosen Ones. Apply at Centre of Eternity.
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"I love the taste of puppy spit... especially after it LICKS ITS CUNT!"
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