162 lines
9.7 KiB
Plaintext
162 lines
9.7 KiB
Plaintext
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::::: oxic :::......:::: hock
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presents
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How To Trash
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by
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K-Rad Awesome Stud Trashing Master
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Edited by Bloody Afterbirth
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Toxic File #23
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#@!^&*$%#@!^&*$%#@!^&*$%#@!^&*$%#@!^&*$%#@!^&*$%#@!^&*$%#@!^&*$%#@!^&*$%
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Ed's Notes
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Well, I'm here to tell ya.. This cat's a really COOL dude! He taught me
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everything I know about trashing and hacking and phreaking and carding and
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explosives and sex and reading and writing and masturbating and picking my
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nose and washing my car and killing animals and shopping at Big Lots and
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breaking into houses and stealing motorcycles and ... puff puff, I just can't
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even BEGIN to name all the things this K-Rad ]<00L dude has taught me. But,
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like all really COOOOOOOOOOOL people, he can't type or spell worth shit. He
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never could, either! Isn't that COOL? But don't let that fool ya none, he's
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a genius! Yep! And he fails all his classes, too! Man! It was really cool
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the day he started a food fight by being a target for a bowl of jello! He's
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such a stud! Well, here's his story, edited by myself.
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^&*#@!%$^&*#@!%$^&*#@!%$^&*#@!%$^&*#@!%$^&*#@!%$^&*#@!%$^&*#@!%$^&*#@!%$
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Hey d00dz! This is the Stud trasHIng masTer and I'm going 2 tell you the
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proper way to trash, my way! I know more about it than anyone else because
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I've been doing it longer than ANYONE! As a matter of fact, I was the FIRST
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to do it, it was MY idea! And if you don't like it I'll shove a pipe bomb up
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your a$$ and blow your anus to Bufu Egypt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Oh yeah!! No, nevermind!!
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Ok. This is how I'm going to teach you how to trash properly. I'm going
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to tell you exactly how it happened one night when I went trashing! I'm also
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going to add notes to it!!!! This is the TRUTH! It's EXACTLY the way it
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happened! Nothing has been changed!!! And if you don't believe me I'll kick
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your a$$ because I'm bad as he[[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Alrightinessskibimo. Me and the boyz went cruzin' (That's me Stud
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Trashing Master, The Pirate, Phreddy The Phreaker, Dave Letterman, Electronic
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Rebel, Dispater, Nightcrawler, Tuc, all of cDc, Dr. Ripco, Video Vindicator,
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King Blotto, Amadeus, The Ninja, Taran King, everyone in TES, Fatal Error, Big
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Bad Barbarian, EZ Lay, K-Rad Kracker!) I know you're jealous because they're
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all good friends of mine and you don't even know them!!! I'm so cool they
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begged me to call them up!!! And while I'm at it, you know that BIG file
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(over 23409898324 K!!!!) (ed:180K) called The Terrorist's Guide? Well,
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*>>>****I****<<<* wrote it!!!! I know it says the author was Anonymous, but I
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only did that because I'm soooo humble and now I thought the truth should be
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out since I want all to know that I am actually telling the truth and that I
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would not lie and that I really really seriously honestly know what I'm
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doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ok, we all got into my k00000000l jammin and juked out car and they all
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begged me to show them how a real dude trashes and so we drove out to the mall
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and I showed them how to do it!!
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Well, to make a short story long, we went to the mall about 2. (PM you
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dumb fuck shitheads! You think my mom would let me stay out at 2am? not like
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I care, I'd kill the fucking bitch if she got in my way and tried to tell me
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what to do! I'm a grown up man and I'll do as I damn fucking well please
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motherfucker fuck fuck fuck!)
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There wuz people all OVER the place! I screamed things like "Worship
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Satan Go To Hell Fuck Dead Animals Rape Old Ladies Eat Human Flesh Suck Cock
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Lick The Shit Off My Asshole Hairs Blacks Suck Poor People Suck Old People
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Suck Everyone Sucks But Me Eat Armpit Lick My Sweaty Balls!!!!!!!!" at
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everyone and they all ran in terror becauze the knew I was satan and I was
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going to kill them if they didn't fucking show me how scared they were!!!
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Anywayzzzz I deftly snuck out of the car (I parked it real far from the
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dumpster in the back of an empty parking lot so they'd think I had car trouble
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and wouldn't be suspicious!!!!), I put on my ninja suit and chopped off a
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security guard's arm for coming to close to the car. Then I RAN real fast so
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noone would know where I was going and hid behind the trash can!!! Can you
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belive how cool I am? I'm so amazing!
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Then I JUMPED into the trash can and started digging through looking for
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all kinds of neato shit! I think it was the dumpster for Sears and it was
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really cool! It didn't have any food in it luckily or I would have to blow
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the whole motherfucking mall to hell!!! I found a Telco manual on how to do
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everything with Telco computers and it had 54 logins (private!!! Don't ask
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what they are because they're all mine and I won't share unless you can give
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me something cool in trade!! And I've already got Ultima MMMMC!!!!!) to the
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local Telco! And I also found 500 credit cards! (Not those dumb fucking
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carbons that all those wanna-be file writers find, and not those IMAGINARY
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white slips that SOME dumb shits think usually go to banks! And all that shit
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about them having a way of doing cards now without the carbon is total
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bullshit! I know for a FACT that they aren't doing it! Honest!) And I also
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found 5 addresses to hot babes and some pictures! Then I got 3 social
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security cards so I'm going to collect on them! And I also found three dirty
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magazines!!! They had cum stanez but I didn't mind because I would just lick
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them off when I had imaginary sex with the centerfolds!! I only do that
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because my girlfriend (Vanna White!!) told me it turned her on and so I'm
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doing it for her!! She sucks a really good dick! And she is pretty good in
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bed too! She told me I was the best she had ever had!!!!! Really! And I
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also found a lineman's headset (a real one, not that bullshit that people put
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in those fukt philezzzzz!) and a hardware blue box with instructions!!! Then
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I found the login to the local Hardees! I'm going to call up and get 500
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biscuits ordered and I won't be hungry for a really really long time after
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that! And I found a plane ticket to Hawaii and I went and came back with
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about 10 pounds of really good dope and me and the boyz got really fucked up
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on it then I punched my button on my remote control and blew up the whole
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fucking plane I put a bomb on!! I kill people all the time, it's so cool! I
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like to watch people die, so don't you fuck with me!! (ed:He means it! He's a
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really bad dude! I wouldn't mess with him! He almost killed me one day, with
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a bUTTER kNIFE!!!")
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And while I was sitting there drinking a coke that I found in the
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dumpster (it was still cold and I melted all the germs with my heat-ray vision
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so I was safe from disease!) and looking through all my finds (I usually find
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much much more, but this time I was being careful cuz I didn't want the boyz
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to panic when they saw The Fuzz!) And a Cop came up!! Oh I was scared--- I
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mean, he started shaking and shit!! I jumped out of the dumpster and started
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screaming things about death and blood and he got real scared he even turned
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white and almost fainted!! Then he told me I was under arrest and he pulled a
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gun on me!!!!!!
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Well I knew I had to make an example of him so I kicked him in the nuts
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and slashed off the arm that held the gun then I slammed his head into the
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dumpster and then I dropped a gallon of Nitro Glycerin on him and blew him to
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pieces!!! Then I went back to the car with all my neat things and we drove
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off!!!!!!
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Isn't that COOL? We jammed!! It was a totally happenin' evening, let me
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tell you!! The other people didn't understand, they were in awe to be in the
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presence of such glory and splendor and greatness, but I started being humble
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about it and they finally began to comprehend how truly awesome I am!! The
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Cult of the Dead Cow's people were real jealous and asked me to write some
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files for them because they knew they would NEVER be as cool as I am so I
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wrote about 50 for them real quick and they said thanks and left in complete
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amazement at how great I am!! Then I told Dr. Ripco how to run his board and
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he immediately changed everything!! Then he let me copy his drive (both of
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his floppies!!! Now I've got more philez than ANY of you will ever have!!!)
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for being such a coooool dude!! Me and the other cool katz did some neat shit
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but I'll tell you dudez about it later on because I know you can't handle more
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than one such cool thing at one time!!!!!!
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-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
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This was a parody..hopefully that is obvious..Any mention of a true-to-life
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individual or group was entirely intentional..I don't see anyone intelligent
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taking it seriously, and noone else matters...
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(c)1989 Toxic Shock
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The Followers of Fetus
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Bloody Afterbirth
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Fetal Juice
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Gross Genitalia
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