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*******NUMBERS 211 TO 215*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN*******
*****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no*****
***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries***
"Alarming Toxic Custard"
***#####*::####:/#///#/-#####-+####++|##||\##\\\\ Toxic Custard
*****#***:#:::::/#///#/-#-----+++++#+||#||\\#\\\\ Workshop Files
*****#***:#:::::/#/#/#/-####--++###++||#||\\#\\\\
*****#***:#:::::/#/#/#/-#-----+#+++++||#||\\#\\\\ Number 211
*****#***::####://#/#//-#-----+#####+|###|\###\\\ August 8th 1994
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 9 of Quite A Big Number
60 BC
Pompey, Crassus and Caesar divide Rome's government between them,
forming a Triumvirate, even though none of them can work out what
it means. Caesar begins conquest of Gaul. Peter Arnett of the
Caesarian News Network, in Gaul when the conquest begins, asks
Caesar why it is taking place. Caesar replies, saying something in
Latin, which Arnett can't understand.
53 BC
The Triumvirate Baseball game begins. Crassus defeated and killed
by Parthians. Strike one!
51 BC
Caesar completes conquest of Gaul. Peter Arnett leaves in disgust,
and decides to go to Baghdad and wait for something to happen
there.
49-48 BC
Caesar sneaks up on Pompey, who escapes to Egypt and is murdered.
Strike two!
44 BC
Caesar is murdered. Et tu Brute an' all that. Strike three!
43 BC
Octavian, Caesar's nephew, Antony and Lepidus form Second
Triumvirate, despite still nobody knowing what it means. Octavian
ignores all the laughter about his name.
42 BC
Octavian and Antony defeat Brutus and Cassius, chief plotters
against Caesar. Octavian rules Rome's west, while Antony rules the
east, and gets it on with Cleopatra. Octavian continues to ignore
the jibes about his name.
31 BC
Octavian defeats Antony and Cleopatra at Actium, after he hears
that Antony said his name sounded poofy.
30 BC
Deaths of Antony and Cleopatra. Meanwhile, Octavian finally gets
hold of a very early draft of the dictionary, and learns to his
disappointment that Triumvirate has nothing to do with virility or
bizarre sexual practices. Oh well.
27 BC
Octavian finally gives in to pressure, and changes his name to
Augustus. Oh, and he becomes the first Roman Emperor. And manages
to get a month named after him. Not bad for a Thursday.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Alarm clocks hate me. And to show how much they hate me, they do
three things:
(a) while I'm trying to set the alarm time on the clock, it will
uncontrollably and unpredictably skip past the precise time I
want, forcing me to hold down the buttons for another "24 hours"
(b) it might wake me up at the time that I last night told it to
wake me up at (which is about three hours than the time I would
*now* like it to wake me up)
or (c) it decides not to wake me up at all, and by the time I fall
out of bed I discover that I should have been at work five hours
ago.
The problem then, is this: It's very hard to revenge the things that
alarm clocks do. You can't throttle them because they have no neck.
They have a face, yes, but no neck.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Failed business tycoon Christopher Skase is still battling
extradition from Spain to face trial in Australia, claiming illness.
But he doesn't seem to be attracting much sympathy. Why? Because he's
taken in exile in Majorca, that's why! It's not exactly a case of
"awww... poor Skasey... down and out... penniless... sunning himself
on the beach in Majorca... leave him alone..." Instead it's "Bring
him back to face the music! Ill and he can't fly? No hurry then - put
him on a boat!"
Obviously he should have gone somewhere like Rwanda. Then it'd be
"Good old Chris, helping the starving masses... leave him be! Stop
hounding the man!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
PARLIAMENT HIGHLIGHTS
Would the honourable member for Fuzzlewoddock care to elaborate on the
very poor knock-knock joke that he was seen telling on last night's
"A Current Affair" and explain why the Australian public shouldn't
expect our leaders in government to relate better gags?
I refer the House to my meat and two veg joke of November 23rd
1989, which am I'm sure the honourable member would recall was a
real pisser. And furthermore, I would name the honourable member
for Argghhhhhhnort as someone who, along with the bulk of the
Opposition, seems unable to tell the simplest riddle even in
the prime joke-telling environment of the parliamentary bar at
2am when even Senator Bishop is completely blotto.
In that case would the honourable member for Fuzzlewoddock care to
listen to the following joke, which I'm sure will show that we in
Opposition are dedicated to providing the taxpayers of this country
with the most amusing jokes. It goes like this... "My wife's gone to
the West Indies..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toxic Custard is over for another week,
thank goodness. If you're the kind of
sadomasochist that would like to see
some old ones, then the more fool you.
Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Telecom don't pay me to write Toxic
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| Custard. That's why I write it at home.
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Oh, and blah blah my opinions only,
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| blah blah the usual disclaimer stuff
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Toxic Custard burnt at the stake"
TTTTT CCCC W W FFFF 2222 1 2222 Toxic Custard Workshop Files
T C W W F 2 1 2 Number 212 - 15th August 1994
T C W W W FFFF 2222 1 2222 written by Daniel Bowen
T C W W W F 2 1 2 TCWF - 4 years old on 13th August
--T---CCCC-WWWWW-F----2222-1-2222-----------------------------------
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 10 of Quite An Almost Limitless Amount
4 BC
True birthdate of Jesus.
So, let me get this straight. Jesus Christ was born 4 years before
himself. Is this the result of some sort of miscalculation on
someone's part, or an unusual time distortion?
0
All the calendars change from BC to AD, which must have been very
confusing for the people around at the time. I'm glad I wasn't
around then. Not only would it mean that I would be dead now, but
heck, even Daylight Saving confuses me.
5 AD
Jesus taught water-walking by a travelling entertainer.
14
Augustus dies. The Romans begin advertising in all the fashionable
journals for a replacement. "Emperor wanted. Preferably mad. Must
look good in a laurel wreath and have own toga."
30
Jesus crucified, followed by the biggest certified magic trick in
history.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I know the Christians will probably burn me alive for this, but I'm
tempted to ask anyway - how do we really know that the Bible is
accurate? For all we know, it could have been made up by the Dark
Ages equivalent of Barbara Cartland. It's a similar formula to
today's novels. Some killing, lots of begatting, the traitor in the
second-last scene... all set in a backdrop of the Roman occupation...
Come to think of it, Barbara Cartland *does* look quite old...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Swiss goverment plan to donate to the United States a new tribute
to the years of teenage angst that we all go through.. the arguments
with parents, the acne, the pressures of homework. It will be located
in New York, and named The Statue Of Puberty.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THING PART 13
====================
JEFF: What do you think about this Schumaker-Levy thing then?
RON: I think it's great. I think it's fantastic that they're
introducing a levy to support our local shoe industry. You
know, I bought some shoes the other day that...
JEFF: Hold on, wait, whoa. Schumaker-Levy is not a local industry
support scheme. It's a comet that's exploding into Jupiter.
RON: Oh. Ah. Well, in that case, it's good that for once the
astromoners have something to look at other than a few
thousand stationary dots.
JEFF: Yeah, but...
RON: I know, I know, they get eclipses to watch every few years.
But they can't actually *look* at them, can they, 'cos
they're wossname, they're masturbatory; they send you blind.
Anyway, eclipses are all the bloody same, aren't they. It's
never a surprise what happens. Sun. Moon. Moon moves in front
of Sun. Darkness. Moon moves out of Sun's way. Darkness ends.
Sun shines again. Moon buggers off back to its own orbit. Big
deal!
JEFF: Well, maybe you'd be a little more interested in all this if
you lived on Jupiter.
RON: Hmmmm, that's a thought. Any idea what the dole rates are
like there?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIS has been another one of those
very silly Toxic Custard things. And
I'm very much afraid to tell you that
there's another two hundred and
eleven of these things floating
around various ftp sites. Where?
Well, email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for
details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Toxic Custard is brought to you
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| by me. Just me. Only me. The opinions
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| of no other persons or organisations
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| are included in its production.
Would you care for a drink - if it was, like, disabled, and
you had to look after it?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Interfering Toxic Custard"
T C W F
-------. -. -------. Toxic Custard Workshop Files
,-------' | -------| Number 213 - 22nd August 1994
`-------- | -------' Written by Daniel Bowen in the spare room
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 11 Of One Of The Largest Amounts I Can Think Of
43 AD
Emperor Claudius sends force to conquer Britain, just so he can
have somewhere to go to the beach and be miserably cold and wet.
Claudius decides he will make Britain the most fashionable of all
the Roman colonies, and packs several million togas for the
Britons. The South is soon subdued into wearing them, despite
resistance from Caractacus (who *really* doesn't like togas). He is
captured and sent to Rome in chains and a toga. The Romans work
their way northwards.
61
Boadicea, queen of the Iceni, decides togas suck, and revolts
against the Romans, burning their tailor shop in London. But her
army is annihilated and she takes poison just as a Roman legion
arrives over the hill with a toga with her name on it.
68
Nero, last emperor of the house of Augustus, begins to realise what
a grave mistake the Toga Invasion of Britain was. Not for the waste
of resources, or the cruelty of enslaving an entire nation, but
because the togas are flared. He commits suicide.
70
Emperor Titus captures and destroys Jerusalem, driving the Jews
from the Holy Land with threats of enforced flared toga-wearing.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
GOING TO A SHOW
First you need to book your ticket/s. Booking for a show is a concept
invented by people who like being organised. These are the people who
don't believe in the concept of the masses spontaneously deciding to
turn up to see X perform, and just rolling up to the venue and
seating themselves. No. The people who invented venue booking like
the idea of you deciding exactly what you're going to do on a
particular Tuesday night several decades in advance. They also like
slotting every person that attends that venue into the worst seat
possible.
Have you ever noticed that no matter how shitty the seats that the
ticket seller is selling you, they never apologise? You are
guaranteed never ever to hear them say "Yes, we have these two seats,
located forty-seven kilometres from the stage, and with only the
merest hint of a view from behind a concrete wall, and oh my God, I'm
so sorry we can't offer you anything else. It's appalling. I really
can't sell you these seats for the same price that the people in the
fifth row centre paid when they booked, 3.72 seconds after sales
opened."
No, instead it's that kind of sneer that says "well, you should have
made an effort with the other fifty-million people who wanted good
seats, two weeks ago when these tickets went on sale. But now you
decided you really have to go to this, and you'll never get better
tickets *now*... so cough up, sucker."
And have you read the disclaimer on the back of the tickets?
Virtually telling you that the stadium could collapse, the act could
get their legs sawn off in a ballooning accident, and your seats
could accidentally be demolished during refurbishment, but you still
wouldn't get any of your money back.
Come the actual day of the concert, you roll up to the venue. And
instantly you're made to feel inferior by the ushers. Because they
may only be ushers, but boy are they dressed nicely. They are
*always* dressed nicely. Whether you're going to see the latest
Gilbert & Sullivan Opera, or the heaviest of heavy metal bands, it's
always bow tie, "just this way, sir", and shining the torch in the
vaguest direction of your seats.
Maybe they should dress and behave according to the actual content of
the concert. So when it *is* a rock concert, the ushers can be
dressed in jeans and torn t-shirts, and greet the audience with "give
us your fuckin' tickets. Find the seats yourselves."
In fact, it's a shame The Police don't tour anymore; the ushers could
greet everybody at the door with a pair of handcuffs and a body
search.
"Look, I've got the tickets, they're in my pocket..."
"Shut up and lean against the wall" <rummage> <rummage> "Ahh.. what
have we here then, sunshine? Tickets for this very gig! Very good
tickets, too. C'mon, where'd you get these then?"
"I didn't know they were they were fifth row centre, honest! My
brother got them for me! He knows the promoter! They're for
personal use only; I'm not a dealer!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The new generation of mobile phones, the digital GSM standard, has
now taken hold in Australia, Hong Kong, Singapore, and most European
countries. But it seems to have interference problems, which makes
me(*) wonder how they ever convinced communications regulators to
agree to the standard. Especially Austel, the Australian body, who
are normally so awkward with agreeing to new equipment.
"Good morning gentlemen. So, you've come to tell us about your new
proposed GSM digital mobile-phone standard?"
"Yes, that's right. It's now accepted in well over 50 countries
as the new standard."
"Okay.. now.. does it cause any interference in other electronics?"
"Ummm well, yes, a little bit."
"Ah.. well, never mind, never mind. We're all for international
standards here at Austel, I'm sure it's nothing major. Does this new
standard of yours have any effect with the operation of planes?"
"Err well, actually can cause planes to ummm.. plummet screaming
towards the ground. A bit. But only if you try to use the phone
while you're on a plane!"
"Hmmm.. well, okay, never mind, international standards an' all that.
We have to keep abreast with technology. So does it cause any
problems with hearing aids?"
"Well, you understand, if you have a system as advanced as this
one, it's bound to cause some conflict on the radio frequency
spectr.... Yes."
"Well, that's okay, got to join up with the Global Village, you
know... How about pacemakers? Any problems?"
"Any problems? No, no. Well, not many. You just need to keep
away from people who have them, that's all."
"But obviously if you do happen to cause any problems, you can always
call for an ambulance, can't you. Well, I don't see any problem with
this. Welcome aboard."
(*) Actually, this came from an idea by Brian Smith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey, guess what? If you thought you were
going to read here that you can get TCWF
back-issues by ftp, and for information
on that, email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, then
you are completely wrong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Toxic Custard. All opinions
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| expressed here are entirely my
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| own responsibility, and not
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| linked to the CIA one little bit.
Daniel's definition of Heaven: A triple-chocolate Pop Tart, a glass
of milk, and the consumer electronics pages of a Myer catalogue.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Shorter Toxic Custard"
||||| ||| | | |||| ||| ||| | | | | | Toxic Custard
| | | | | | | || | | | Workshop Files
| | | | | ||| | | || | | | Number 214
..|....|||..|.|..|.......|||..|||.|..|.|...|.....29th.August.1994....
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 12 of a multitude
79 AD
Pompeii and Herculaneum are destroyed in the premature eruption of
Vesuvius. Pompeii goes on to become Number One in the "Top Ten
Cities Covered By Volcanic Ash That Archaeologists Like To Bore
People To Death By Talking About At Parties". Herculaneum, on the
other hand, fades into obscurity.
82
Agricola, governor of Britain, attempts conquest of Scotland. He
fails utterly, gives up his governorship, and goes back to Rome to
market a new kind of black coloured fizzy drink.
93
Trajan goes shopping in the International Annexing Mall, stopping
by the Imperialism Boutique and picking up Dacia (modern Romania)
and Mesopotamia to add to the Roman Empire Collection Of Invaded
States.
117
Hadrian tries to keep barbarians wearing skirts out of Roman
territories by building fortifications, including a 70-mile-long
wall (Hadrian's Wall). The most incredible feat in its construction
was convincing the builders that he wasn't joking. "You want us to
build WHAT?!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How many keys do you use to unlock your door? Two or more? How is
it even though it's something we do every day of every year -
unlocking the door - we fumble with the keys and nearly always get
them mixed up? Mine are even colour coded for God's sake. Green and
purple. Couldn't be more different. And yet my brain works this out
so slowly that I've almost forced the green one into the purple one's
lock before I realise that it isn't going to fit.
And just when I've got the lock/key relationships figured out, I
have trouble with the clockwise/anti-clockwise choices. "Turn, turn,
hey, it's stuck, oh bugger, I turned it the wrong way again, didn't
I."
Maybe I should get a sign for the door to discourage burglars.
Something like "Not even the people who live here can open this door.
And they've got the keys."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It has been exclusively revealed to Toxic Custard that the
Government will shortly introduce a toll for being boring. Under the
plan, boring people found being boring in the company of other, more
interesting people, would be fined $20. Sources in the government say
that the plan would encourage people to lead more interesting lives,
and to switch from, say, stamp collecting, to Antarctic scuba-diving.
It will also have a productivity benefit, with less people falling
asleep during the day because they have to listen to whatsisface
talking about double-entry bookkeeping again.
In order to work out who should pay the fine, government Interest
Inspectors will scour the land, looking for such obvious signs of
boredom as discussing subclause B of *anything*, wearing grey suits
with grey ties, reading Jeffrey Archer novels on the train, and
arguing about the plural of agendum.
"Oh no, really Inspector. I'm very interesting, really. I know
I'm reading the Financial Review, but it was all they had left. Look,
I'm sure I've got something interesting in my brief case. Train
timetables? No? Ummm.. packed lunch? Hey, what's that... no, wait!
Someone planted this Thesaurus on me, honest!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I think that all of us can look back on our lives... and remember
some truly stupid idiotic things that we have done over the years.
Things that make us cringe now.
Sometimes they're things that you realise straight away are just
*stupid*. Those are the worst. Where ten seconds later you find
yourself thinking "why did I do that? Why?! I didn't have to do that.
If I'd have just... instead. It was so easily avoided. Is there any
way I can undo it?" I hate those ones. I prefer it when it's several
years (if not decades) before you fully comprehend your past
stupidity. At least then you don't even entertain the thought that
you can do anything to reverse it now.
This isn't leading to anything. If you think I'm telling all of
you about the stupid things I've done, you've got another thing
coming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your eyes have just been feasting on
another issue of Toxic Custard. If they
would care to tuck in to dessert, a
beautifully presented course of back-
issues, with optional side dressing,
then you may care to jump towards your
nearest ftp session. For full details,
email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| All opinions expressed here
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| are entirely my own responsibility.
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| No aliens have taken control of
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| my mind. Well, not lately.
VERY BAD ONE LINER LOOKING FOR A HOME:
"Steam engines have tender relationships"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Toothless Toxic Custard"
MORON PRODUCTIONS presents a MEGATHICK production
in association with MCCAULIFFE EXPLOSIVES CORPORATION
a file by DANIEL F BOWEN "TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES 215"
co-producer CHOCOLATE editor DANIEL F BOWEN co-producer
MARTIN D OMNISPLAT production designed ARNOLD ELKSQUASH
You know those times when you stagger out the door and your
personal grooming isn't *quite* up to the standard that it should be?
Perhaps it happens once in a blue moon; perhaps it's once a month,
perhaps it's every day.
It might only be one little thing that you haven't done. Say, you
haven't brushed your teeth. But as you close the door behind you, the
little pangs of guilt rise and flutter around your mind. And you
start to wonder if people will notice. Will people openly mock you in
the street for not having brushed your teeth? Or will they back away
in disgust as you breathe at them? Does it smell that bad?
Those little pangs are perfectly capable of convincing your
overly-paranoid brain that until you rectify the teeth situation,
everyone you meet will personally ring up your dentist to inform him
or her of your sins. And what happens if the pangs get their way?
Well, let's put it this way: I have been halfway to the station on my
way to work before deciding to turn back and embrace the Colgate
Fluoriguard.
Because when it comes down to it, you can't let dentists get any
incriminating evidence. They're sadistic even when you think you've
been *good*, having brushed your teeth for at least five minutes,
twenty-seven times a day. "Dear me Mr Bowen, you've really been
letting go here. Look at those gums, deary deary me. You don't really
want false teeth do you?"
Doctors don't behave like this. You don't generally hear from the
doctor that "Dear me Mr Bowen, you are turning into a fat bastard,
aren't you. So, you're aiming for a heart attack and blood pressure,
are you?"
Mind you, dentists are actually paid to abuse you. They rarely do
any actual work on your teeth. This continues a noble tradition. The
word "dentist" is actually derived from the Latin word dentistum,
which means "sadistic abusive maniac in white jacket who drives a
Mercedes".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 13 of a great number
162 AD
A little known Roman, known as Accumulas, invents a new kind of bet
that he calls the "Accumulator". He wagers that during his
lifetime, the Empire will be ravaged by plague, that many generals
will be made Emperor, and that hoards of foreign tourists will
invade.
164-180
Plagues ravage Roman and Chinese empires. Accumulas celebrates by
getting far too drunk.
180
Century of war and disorder begins for Rome, during which a
succession of generals are made emperors by troops in their pay.
Accumulas shouts everyone within shouting distance a drink.
Perpetual invasions by Franks, Goths, Parthians, Vandals and
Huns follow. The Huns are ruthless fighters; the Vandals are
destructive maniacs; the Parthians are merciless tyrants; the Goths
are lumbering brutes; and the Franks are hordes of men with
clipboards, and pens in their shirt pockets, all called Frank.
203
Accumulas claims his enormous payout, but is unfortunately killed
just afterwards when he gets in the way of an invading army.
226
Artaxerxes founds new dynasty in Persia. He has many of his people
executed, most of them for their awkward attempts to proclaim "Long
Live Artaxerxes!"
284
Diocletian, the only Roman Emperor to have gone on a management
course, re-organises the Roman empire with two joint emperors and
two subordinate emperors. He also forms the Roman Empire Steering
Committee, organises regular persecution reviews, and institutes a
weekly co-facilitated meeting, during which both the Christians and
lions are able to air their views, before eating each other.
312
Constantine defeats his joint emperor in the West, Maxentius, and
goes solo.
313
Constantine legalises Christianity, and later makes it the State
religion. Constantine's brother later becomes the first person to
be charged with insider trading, after making a healthy profit on
shares in the local bible making company.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THING PART 14
====================
JEFF: I'm sure you could find some kind of job if you just put your
mind to it.
RON: Like what?
JEFF: Well, what are you good at? What skills do you have?
RON: I don't know.
JEFF: You don't know? Do you know anything? Did you go through
eight years of schooling and not remember anything about it?
RON: Well it all went hazy after that day I walked into the wrong
toilet one lunchtime and was persuaded to smoke certain
substances.
JEFF: What kind of substances?
RON: I don't remember. In fact, the only thing that I do remember
is that I don't remember. And that's all I remember about
school. That, the mortar bomb incident, and the time I
inadvertently found myself leading a skinhead protest to the
principal's office.
JEFF: So have you considered applying for leadership of the Liberal
party?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your brain has been feasting on the latest
issue of Toxic Custard. If you would care
to enjoy a Toxic Custard dessert, back-
issues are available by ftp. Email
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| All opinions expressed here
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| are entirely my own responsibility.
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Evil scientists have not planted
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| these thoughts into my mind.
According to my diary the next blue moon is on October 7th.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided this notice remains intact.
For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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