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*******NUMBERS 206 TO 210*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN*******
*****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no*****
***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries***
"World Cup Toxic Custard"
T O X I C * * * * * N u m b e r 2 0 6
C U S T A R D * * * ** * 4 t h J u l y 1 9 9 4
W O R K S H O P * * * * * b y D a n i e l B o w e n
F I L E S * * * * * * * P r e t t y S a d , h u h ?
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 4 of A Monumental Number
539-525 BC
Cyrus, king of Persia, makes himself master of Asia Minor, captures
Babylon... and then gets told off by his mother for leaving all his
clothes on the floor. He later founds the Persian empire and opens
up carpet factories nationwide. (Well, they come from somewhere,
you know.)
525 BC
Cambyses, Cyrus's successor, conquers Egypt. In one famous
incident, more than 500 of his soldiers all shit themselves
simultaneously when they first spot the Sphinx. (Well, I probably
would too if came across a giant stone cat sitting in the desert
that I hadn't already seen on a postcard.)
510 BC
After much debate, proposals for new flags, and generally making
fun of the royal family, Rome becomes a republic.
490 BC
Athens unsuccessfully tries to help Greek cities in Asia Minor
revolt against their Persian overlords. When it is clear that they
have failed, leaders in Athens overwhelmingly say "oops". Darius I
of Persia lands a force in Greece to punish Athens, but they are
beaten at Marathon. They just couldn't make the distance.
480 BC
Xerxes makes a second attempt to crush Greece, but he doesn't have
a large enough steam-roller, and so occupies Athens instead. But
the Persian fleet is destroyed by salami. Destroyed by salami?
What, huge sausages of salami that fall from the sky and sink the
ships? The curse of the Delicatessen God is fulfilled!?
Oh sorry, that should have been "destroyed at Salamis".
479 BC
Persians defeated at Plaetaea. Not their decade, was it?
455 BC
The Parthenon is proposed, but fails to get planning approval.
447-438 BC
During Greece's "golden age", free of the Persian menace, the
Parthenon is finally built. Protesters delay building, claiming it
will ruin the landscape, be an eyesore, and all those other things
that people protesting new buildings go on about. A riot between
supporters of Ionic, Corinthian and Doric columns takes place.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm sure I've gone on about this before, but what future do our arts
students have? What jobs can they possibly hope to find? Well,
there's good news. We at Toxic Custard, after much hunting, have
found several ads that prove that the job market for arts graduates
isn't limited to "fries with that?" and washing car windows.
- Poet. Salary $40 below poverty line. Must have own beret.
- Several busking positions available. Talent not necessary.
- Newspaper distribution. Must be able to stand on street corners and
look alternative. Apply to "Green Left Anti-Evil-Capitalist Minority
Weekly"
- Artist wanted for rooftop impressionist workshop. Must live in a
Bohemian suburb or drive own Volkswagen. Tie-dyed smock preferable.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
French soldiers have recently arrived in Rwanda on a humanitarian
mission. It took quite a while to explain to them why there weren't
any Greenpeace ships in the area.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The World Cup continues unabated, with regular news footage of
worship of the Maradona, goal kickers in alarmingly close embraces
with team-mates, and Germans (the previous winners) singing "Ve are
ze champions of das Wurld!" But it's only once you actually try and
play soccer that you appreciate how hard it is to play. It's actually
quite tricky to kick a soccer ball accurately. There are many factors
that prevent you kicking the ball at all.
For one thing, it's midway through the attempted kick when you
realise that your leg is not quite long enough. Alternatively, when
the ball is up to devious activities, it will often decide to change
direction in flight, thus avoiding your foot altogether. The other
phenomenon is where it seems like you managed to get your foot onto
the ball, but you've missed it entirely, due to either (a) a soccer
ball-sized hole in your foot, or (b) a temporal distortion of the
space-time continuum which causes your foot and the ball to be on
different physical planes at the instant of expected impact.
All this can make you look rather foolish, you understand. To
onlookers, it looks just like some uncoordinated oaf completely
failing to have any skill whatsoever.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The music world doesn't seem to be particularly inspiring at the
moment, but what a contrast it must be in the rock'n'roll afterlife.
Imagine a supergroup in Heaven... John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, with
Keith Moon on drums, and maybe Jim Morrison... Now that would truly
be a concert ticket to die for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And so, the end is near
It's time to end another Custard
And then, to send a flame
To that stupid author bustard
But if per chance you'd like
To view all the great back-issues
Write a request for their details
And send it myyyyy way
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Irresponsibility for Toxic
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| Custard is taken by Daniel
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Bowen, Hawthorn, Melbourne.
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Duelling Toxic Custards"
Before we get started, yes, it's true, I was on the telly last week.
But since they didn't even plug TCWF, they're not getting any more
mention, okay?!
2072 2 7 072 7 07207 0 2 7207 toxic custard
207207 072 7207 072 7 07207207207 0 20 2072 7207 workshop files
207207 072 7207 072 7 207207 0 20 2072 7207 number 207
207207 072 7207 0 2 7 07207207 0720 20 207 07207 11th july 1994
207207 072 7 7 07207207 0 207 07207 by d.f. bowen*
*I'm going for
the k.d.lang
look. I'm not
sure why.
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 5 of A Monumental Number
431-404 BC
Athens and Sparta have a battle, but the generals are so drunk when
it comes to naming the war that when someone suggests
'Peloponnesian War' they all agree thoroughly, and shout from the
rooftops that it is not only a great name for the war, it's the
*only* possible name for it. That any other name for it would be a
crime. The war ends with the capture of Athens.
390 BC
Gauls capture Rome using some super-strength magic potion their
druid made for them. The Romans regain the city by paying a huge
ransom, including 250 crucifixes, a dozen discounted aqueducts and
free plumbing for a year.
359 BC
Philip becomes king of Macedonia (I wonder if that's the Greek one
or the Slav one?) He sets to make himself overlord of quarrelsome
Greek cities. ("My streets are wider than yours!" "Are not!" "Are
too!" "Well at least my river doesn't smell!" "Ooh! You take that
back!")
338 BC
Philip defeats combined armies of Athens and Thebes and becomes
master of Greece. His catchcry is "Take a closer look", and before
long he has many Greek cities producing discount consumer
electronics.
336 BC
Philip assassinated. After Lee Harvos Oswaldopoulos is arrested for
the assassination, the third slingshot theory is ruled out. Philip
is succeeded by his son, Alexander the Gratefuldead.
333 BC
Alexander walks all over Darius III of Persia and strolls into
Egypt, where he founds Alexandria. City planners begin planning
their bid for the Seventh Wonder Of The World, basing it around a
lighthouse motif. I can't see it working nowadays.
327 BC
Alexander extends his empire as far as the Indus. He proceeds to
show-off enormously, proclaiming "hey girls, look at the size of my
empire!"
323 BC
Alexander dies; the empire crumbles like a set of dominoes being
decapitated by an axe-wielding lunatic in an earthquake. It is
divided among his generals, who hang it upside down for a couple of
days, and then cook it for lunch.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To further aid you on the road to cleanliness, we present
DANIEL'S GUIDE TO HAVING A SHOWER
1. You need to find a shower. Any location where water falls freely
will do, but most often it will involve plumbing of some sort, to
ensure that the water falls at a suitable time, and in a
predetermined and enclosed location.
2. Commonly people will remove their clothes before entering the
running shower. This should not be seen as an iron-cast rule, but
merely as a suggestion. After all, if you really want to take a
steaming hot shower dressed in a clown's outfit and wielding a
meat-cleaver, who is going to stop you? Not me, certainly. Those
wishing to bathe naked will probably prefer a private location,
unless they're really into exhibitionism.
3. After entering the shower, careful adjustment of the water will
need to be made, using the taps provided. Of course, compensation
will need to be made for the water demons. The water demons have
specific roles when it comes to showers. It is their job to alter and
vary the water pressure and temperature as widely as possible while
you're trying to take a shower. This explains why in between the
screams, most people hear a muffled laughing every time they get
frozen/scalded in the shower.
4. Having obtained a reasonably hot shower, and water pressure that
is sufficient to cleanse, yet not so hard that you'll be drowned or
washed away in it, the actual cleaning can commence. You can find
many cleaning products in your local shop or supermarket, but note
that it may be easier to obtain these *before* you get in the shower.
(Hmm.. maybe this step should have been first.) You can wipe the
various parts of your disgusting body down with the soap/shampoo/
green sludge/odd ointment/whatever you prefer. You may then wish to
rinse the various parts after this, to avoid smelling like a soap
factory for the rest of the day.
5. Next is the tricky bit. The key here is speed. Your mission: To
turn off the taps, leap out of the shower, and find something warm to
either wrap yourself in or bask next to, before you freeze to the
point of frost-bite. It's about now that you usually end up dashing
around the house completely starkers, trying to find clean towels.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Australia Post has taken a leaf out of the world of electronic mail,
and produced a device that will not only sort 40,000 letters an hour,
but will also take one in every hundred letters and store them out of
harm's way for 6-8 weeks before sending them on their way.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ANOTHER COMPUTER SHOW
Good evening, and welcome to Another Computer Show. Yes, we're the
latest to jump on the Information Supercliche bandwagon and naturally
we'll be taking you on a journey into the distant future, by looking
at the technology that's around today.
Our computer expert, Gareth Trowel, will be explaining things in
a way that is just as baffling for beginners as it is annoying for
experts. And we'll look at some of the wacky characters roaming the
Internet, but totally fail to tell you how to gain access yourself.
Ten years ago, who would have believed that 'Beyond 2000' would
still be on the air? Not our producer, obviously, or we'd have got
this show much earlier. We may not be as well paid as Iain Finlay or
Carmel Travers, but let's just see how many technological cliches I
can drop in one sentence.
In the near future, while robots controlled by laser do the
housework, and we watch interactive TV coming to us by the
fibre-optic cable of the Information Superhighway, will the
information society that we have become be under threat of invasions
of privacy from hidden security cameras and modified photographic
evidence, or perhaps hackers infiltrating gigantic mega-databases?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm sure you're all fully aware
that I'm about to write here that
back-issues of Toxic Custard are
now available by ftp or on WWW.
So you'll also know that you can
email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for
details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Daniel wishes to make it clear
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| that he, and he alone, is
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| responsible for Toxic Custard.
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| Not Telecom. Not MIT. Just him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"HB Toxic Custard"
_______ ________ ________
T \ O / X \ I / \ C
C _____U/ S | T | A \R_______/ D
W / O R | K S| H / O \ P
F /_________ I \____L___/ E \________/ S
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 6 of an Extremely Large Pile
280 BC
Pyrrus and the Greeks get together to kick some Roman butt.
275 BC
Rome defeats Pyrrus, and becomes mistress of southern Italy. (What
the WHOLE of southern Italy?! All at once? I hope Rome was careful,
and took precautions against nasty diseases. Nowadays, Rome would
probably shun all that unrestrained... stuff)
264 BC
First Punic War between Rome and Carthage for control of Sicily.
Excuse me? "Punic" War?! Who on earth came up with that? I'd expect
something at least a little butch. Perhaps the "War Of All
Eternity", or the "Vicious Bastard Knife In The Guts And Sword
Through The Jugular War". But "Punic"??
260-256 BC
The Romans continue to battle their way around Italy, ignoring the
protests of Carthaginian hippies, who declare the whole concept of
conquest to be really uncool, and the city of Rome to be bad
vibesville.
246 BC
Great Wall of China built. Unfortunately, due to its length, it is
impossible to guard it, and before too long Mongol graffitists have
decorated most of their side. I wonder if Hadrian had that problem?
Footnote: If you're wondering, this history is adapted from a copy of
Pears Junior Encyclopaedia. With love to David from Uncle Wally +
Auntie Joan, Xmas 1961.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The simple pencil. Drawing object, or deadly weapon? That's a
question being posed after the stabbing of Mr Fred Walrusdropping
with a HB whilst on his way back from the 7-11. Investigations by
police show that the assailant had been recently released from mental
care, but had been able to buy a pencil sharpener without the need
for a license or even a waiting period. But while the police have
denied any evidence of the second pencil theory, pencil control
advocates have called for restrictions.
But restrictions have been opposed, not the least by the National
Pencil Association. NPA spokesman Ron Staedler has repeatedly called
for more liberal use of pencils throughout the community. "Every man,
woman and child has the right and the duty to use a pencil", he said.
Other items of stationery have also been under scrutiny. Recent
attacks have used staplers, rulers, and even textas. So... beware
when looking for the scissors. It could be a trap!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THING PART 11
====================
(Ron is watching cartoons.)
JEFF: Those cartoons challenging your mind, then?
RON: Yeah thanks, great.
JEFF: You know, if someone had asked me ten years ago, where I
would be... do you know what I'd have said?
RON: But I did ask you that ten years ago.
JEFF: Yeah. And do you know what I said?
RON: You said "Christ knows."
JEFF: No, actually I said...
RON: You said "what a fucking stupid question."
(Jeff is silent for a few seconds.)
JEFF: What I would have said if I'd taken the time and trouble to
formulate an intelligent answer... is that I hoped that I
would be studying the finer art of the great European
capitals... taking in the culture of the world... breathing
in the air of the Swiss alps... walking down the streets of
Venice...
RON: Doesn't sound all that great to me.
(Jeff looks around at the filthy flat. Ron lies
stomach first on the floor, munching biscuits and
watching cartoons. Jeff looks out of the window.)
JEFF: What's that?
RON: What?
JEFF: Out there. Looks like some kind of time gate.
RON: What?
JEFF: Yeah, a kind of shimmering blue light...
RON: You're kidding...
JEFF: It's about ten foot square, a big wobbling light blue
light... and inside the light I can just make out... it looks
like sand dunes... but it's very murky... The light is
getting brighter... It's moving... It's coming towards us...
it's coming towards the house.... arrgrghhh!!!
RON: Shit!
(Ron leaps behind the couch and hides. Jeff goes to the
TV and changes the channel, then sits back down on the couch.)
JEFF: Sucked in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And quite right too. Back-issues
of Toxic Custard are now available
by ftp or on WWW... send email to
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Written and typed by
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| Daniel Bowen, Hawthorn,
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Melbourne. No responsibility
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| is taken by anyone else.
Congratulations to Brazil for winning the World Cup. And I hope the
Italian Mafia don't treat their losing soccer team-members like the
Columbian cartels treat theirs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Computerised Toxic Custard"
T O X I C ____ ____ ____
C U S T A R D ____| | | |____| 25th July 1994
W O R K S H O P |____ |____| ____| by Daniel Bowen
F I L E S
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 7 of an Shitload
241 BC
Carthage loses Sicily, and fails to find it at the Lost Property
Office, despite leaving a name-tag on it.
238 BC
Carthage sets out to create new empire in Spain. Their leaders
strive, but fail, to make up a better name for a war than "Punic".
But it does leave scope for authors over 2200 years later to make
jokes about battles involving clothing to be called the Tunic Wars.
225 BC
The Gauls and the Romans get into a tiff, the Gauls returning home
with their (figurative) tails between their (collective) legs. Rome
extends the frontiers northwards, now controlling all of Italy.
219 BC
Second Punic War. An accident-prone 26-year old Carthaginian
general, known as Hannibal to his friends, strolls into Italy.
(Note that courses on ancient history inevitably include Hannibal
Lectures.)
217 BC
Hannibal destroys a Roman army at Lake Trasimene. Oops.
216 BC
Hannibal destroys a second Roman army at Cannae. Oops again. Told
you he was accident-prone. The Romans demand that he pay for the
damage before leaving.
210-206 BC
A Roman army that has managed to keep out of Hannibal's way
conquers Spain with a bullet, going to the top of the Warriors'
charts in less than three weeks.
204 BC
The Romans continue their world tour, crossing from Spain to Africa
in a triumphant wave of publicity. Fourteen Roman generals are
tipped to win in the annual Kablammy Awards for excellence in war,
invasion, destruction and persecution.
202-201 BC
Hannibal returns to Africa to save Carthage, but is defeated at
Zama. Hannibal drops from the Top 10 of the Warriors charts, which
for another four hundred years will be dominated by Romans.
Carthage surrenders and hands Spain over to Rome.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THING PART 12
====================
(Jeff waits for Ron outside a building.
Ron comes out and they start walking.)
JEFF: Well? So? How'd you do?
RON: Oh, good thanks. And you?
JEFF: No no.. your interview. Your job interview.
RON: What job interview?
JEFF: Hold on, hold on, hold on. An hour ago you walked into that
building there. That one. And you went up to the forty-
seventh floor for a job interview.
RON: Oh yeah! So that's why I was there.
JEFF: You mean to tell me you went all the way up into the clouds
in an express elevator, made your way through a maze of
corridors, waited for what seemed like an eternity, staring
at the ceiling, and trying to avoid making eye contact with
anyone else there... finally got called into a little room
and sat down in the corner chair, ready to be grilled by some
ruthless personnel officer... and you couldn't remember why
you were there?!
RON: My mind went blank.
JEFF: It often does. You know what this means? This is terrible. It
means we have to keep living on the meagre hand-outs from
Messrs Social & Security.
RON: Well why don't you get a job?
JEFF: I suppose you think that's funny. Let me remind you of one
thing: I do *not* work. Never have. Never will. I come from a
great line of dole-bludgers, going right back to the
middle-ages when Geoffrey the Lazy-bastard first asked the
local baron for a handout. And I hope you're not asking me to
break with seven hundred years of family tradition. You think
I got an Arts' degree for nothing?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DANIEL'S (very brief) GUIDE TO USING THE COMPUTER
1. Remember who's boss. Every time it beeps at you, or gives you an
error message, just look it in the monitor and remember how important
you are compared to your computer. Remember that you have the chance
to do so much more than your computer can ever do. To run through the
meadows, to smell the flowers, to eat chocolate, to have sex... Try
to forget that it can add up a fifty page spreadsheet in a matter of
seconds. Remember, humans *told* it to do that. Humans *are* smarter
than computers, or at least, some of us are. On good days.
2. The old Vic 20 manuals used to say that it is impossible to hurt
the computer, no matter what you type. It's true. You cannot hurt the
computer, even by typing "sod off you fucking computer, you're
nothing but a bunch of useless wires". If you really want to hurt the
computer, you can make use of an axe, a shotgun, you can simply throw
it from a ninth floor window. What you *can* do by typing is to
delete all your work, delete all of your friends' work, set up a
print job that goes until infinity, send an email picture of a penis
to your boss, or write crap like this.
3. Don't plug things in or pull them out while the computer's on,
unless it's someone else's computer, and it doesn't matter if you
risk damaging it. (This may require that the someone else is not a
seven foot sumo-wrestling computer-loving homicidal maniac with a
penchant for machetes.)
4. Don't take out a floppy disk while the drive is going. This is a
very unreliable way to destroy a disk. A much more reliable method is
to fold them in half, set fire to them, then run them over with a
steamroller. You can also shut them in the lock of a closing door,
simply cut them up with shears, or scrape a chisel over the disk's
surface.
5. Since it's now just about impossible to burn in an image on most
modern monitors, the best way to burn them in is using a flame-
thrower.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Back-issues. We got 'em, you want
'em. Well, maybe you do. If you do
then just email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
and details will arrive on your
doorstep forthwith.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| This has been a product
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| of Daniel's mind - nobody
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| else's. Daniel's shrink
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| takes all responsibility.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Airmail Toxic Custard"
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ______ _____
1st August 1994 ______|| || || ||
Written by Daniel Bowen ||______ || ||_____||
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 8 of a Monumental Amount
166 BC
Tartar invasion of China. China retaliates, sending in forces under
the command of Mayonnaise, HP Sauce and Ketchup.
149 BC
Third Punic War. Rome resolves to destroy Carthage. So have you
noticed a running theme in these history things? War. So-and-so
invades whoever. Whatsername annhilates the other dudes. I get the
feeling that either (a) people back then weren't terribly nice, (b)
that they hadn't heard of the old world order, let alone the *new*
one, or (c) the wars were the only thing the historians could be
bothered writing down.
146 BC
Carthage destroyed. All right, who did that? We're not going to
continue with history until whoever destroyed Carthage owns up.
We'll be here all day if necessary.
.
.
.
.
Ah, so it was the Romans, was it? Go and stand in the corner. That
wasn't a nice thing to do, was it? One more stunt like that, and
you Romans will be removed from History early without any dinner.
102 BC
Marius drives back invading German tribes, refusing to buy their
luxury chariots.
91 BC
Revolt of Italian cities belonging to Rome but with no say in
government. Oh come on Rome - be nice! Let them join in the
democracy! You won't get dessert if you don't begin political
reform!
89 BC
All Italians become Roman citizens. All right! At last they get to
go to the circus and be in the audience, rather than the lion-food.
Mind you - it's a shame for the lions. Myself, I love Italian.
88-86 BC
Marius and Sulla have a bit of a tiff. Marius runs away to Africa.
Sulla nips off to Greece for a quick fighting holiday, and Marius
gets back with a suntan and grabs power. But then Marius dies.
Bummer.
82 BC
Sulla arrives back, also with a tan, massacres his enemies, and
becomes dictator. Doesn't sound like a very agreeable person.
78 BC
Sulla dies. Marius would be dancing on his grave, if Marius hadn't
died eight years earlier. But of course, this is a minor
consideration. In fact, it's not recorded (at least, not here)
whether or not Marius' ghost dances on Sulla's grave. Or even if
Sulla has a grave. Perhaps he is taken by aliens, or is thrown into
a bog. Who can tell? Not me, sitting 2000 years later typing this.
73 BC
Following a breakdown in negotiations, Spartacus leads revolt of
60,000 members of the Federated Slaves Union.
71-70 BC
Crassus crushes Spartacus revolt with a 20 ton weight. Crassus and
Pompey reduce the power of the Senate.
66-62 BC
Pompey captures Jerusalem, conquers Syria and advances to the
Euphrates. Busy bloke. "All right lads, that's Syria done... c'mon,
it's only lunchtime.. time to invade another continent!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DANIEL'S GUIDE OF THINGS TO DO WHILE
WAITING TO MEET SOMEONE AT THE AIRPORT
Planes arrive late. For some reason, those in charge of planes (ie
pilots) sometimes do very silly things, like fail to load enough fuel
to quite make the distance, go via Fiji because of turbulence, forget
about and overshoot Hawaii, accidentally take a wrong turning at
Auckland, or even happily land in Austria before realising they're
over the wrong continent. Face it, you're gonna need something to do
while you wait.
1. Luckily, there's usually lots to do in airports. Like give
uncomfortability ratings to all the chairs in the various waiting
areas. Watch the soapies on the TVs. Try to work out how many ratings
points for these shows are attributable to people waiting in
airports.
2. Wonder when it was that those armed guards actually tackled
anyone armed with anything more threatening that a glass of lemonade.
Test them out by setting off a firework.
3. Ask everyone you see where they're going to, and see if any of
them admit that "yeah, we're off on one of them Thai sex tours..."
4. Ring the airline arrival hotline that you should have rang before
you actually left to go to the airport. See who can guess the arrival
time down to the nearest hour.
5. Go up to the observation deck and see if you can spot any planes
touching wings in mid-flight. See how long it takes to freeze up
there, before giving up and going back down to the cafeteria for a
hot drink and a view at the window that's just as good.
6. Pretend to be a disgruntled tourist balking at the $25 departure
tax. "You mean it already cost me thousands of dollars to set foot in
this godforsaken country of yours and you wanna charge me to
leave?!?"
7. Take along your electronics kit and see if you can pick up (and
interfere with) control tower broadcasts.
8. Hang around International Arrivals with a sign saying "Dr U. G.
Koorier".
9. Compare how many different types of condoms and travellers' kits
are in the machines in each toilet.
10. Sneak into the airport offices, get hold of a PA microphone and
make a "We regret to inform you that flight XXX has plummeted out of
the sky and ummm... well, let's just say I hope your relatives can
swim..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Right, that's it. We're taking Toxic
Custard off the air until next week.
In the meantime, you can get back-
issues by ftp, can't you. Yes. Details
are available from tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Toxic Custard. Made entirely from
Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| the purest brain-fed ramblings
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| of Daniel. No artificial work-
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| related additives or opinions.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided this notice remains intact.
For subscription and other back-issue information, contact
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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