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*****NUMBERS 166 TO 170***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)*****
"Thin And Slow Toxic Custard"
WARNING
This week's edition of Toxic Custard contains
nudity, high-level coarse language, violence,
drug use and sexual references. Isn't it great?
+-+-+ +---+ + + +---+ + + + TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
| | | | | | +---+ +---+ Number 166 - 20th September 1993
| | | | | +--+ | | | | | Written by Daniel Bowen
+ +---+ +--+--+ + + +---+ +---+
Why don't they have racehorse-cam?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
,-------------------.
| T O X I C A R D | Ever been stranded without money? Lost in a
| | foreign city with no money? Then Toxicard
|Mr James Dean, BSc | will be bugger all use to you! Because
|5383 5434 3233 3732| Toxicard, the Toxic Custard Credit Card, is
`-------------------' accepted at fewer locations world-wide than
any other more serious credit card. It's
flexible, it's dependable, and it's entirely useless if you actually
want to use it for something. Which is just as well, since it charges
a totally *ridiculous* amount of interest. So, remember the name,
remember the card: Toxicard. Ask for it by name(*).
(*) And no-one will know what the fuck you're talking about.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Are you bored with your life? Then you obviously haven't played the
latest board game sensation - FUTILE! Roll the dice to move little
plastic pieces around a board! Pick up meaningless bonus cards! Get
to the end before anyone else, then keep going around the board! It's
FUTILE! Collect all the small plastic triangles so you can get more
than anyone else! Then despair because the winning piece went missing
eight months ago! It's FUTILE! The game for the whole family, because
it's so blandly inoffensive.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I love my ride-on lawn-mower so much I take it to the park. The local
council gives me petrol money.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
LANGUAGE
What is it about the word "thunder"? Why does every second radio
station have a fleet of Nissan Patrols dubbed the "Triple Thunder",
the "Thunder Crew", "Thunder Patrol", or whatever else? *And* they're
all painted black.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
YOU HAVE REACHED SATAN'S QUESTION LINE. WHAT IS YOUR QUERY?
Hi, what's your stand on architecture?
WHAT? OH. WELL, I QUITE LIKE OPEN FIRES... AND BRIMSTONE.
And may I ask what it says when you enter the gates of Hell?
IT SAYS: "BOY ARE YOU IN DEEP SHIT NOW, MATEY"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
LANGUAGE PART 2
It strikes me that the language used in sales promotions is
getting ever more violent and unpleasant. First we had "Prices
slashed", and now we have Virgin with their "Virgin Sacrifice". Today
I noticed Brashs have the "Price Massacre". How long can it be before
we see signs up proclaiming "Price Holocaust!" "Your apocalypse
dollar goes further!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So how many of you turned off The Late Show straight after Rex Hunt?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've observed this in supermarkets, parks, and other public places:
There seems to be a certain age, under which, young humans enjoy
running around anywhere they please, without checking first that
there's not a shopping trolley, bigger person, or other such
obstruction in the way. And they generally only come to a stop when
they hit the obstruction. My knees are getting sick of it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I can't tie my own shoes. They're velcro.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WASTE PAPER COLLECTION IN YOUR AREA
Your city now has a paper collection service, to help you dispose
of those endless numbers of newspapers that you bought but never got
around to reading. This pamphlet lists all the dates during the year
when collection takes place in your area, so that you can initially
stick it to the fridge, then lose it and spend eleven months of the
year scouring the street to see if your neighbours have put anything
out to be collected.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've been waiting for weeks to use this quote. And I haven't found
anywhere suitable for it. So here it is in its raw format:
"the face that launched a thousand shits"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You probably all know by now that
some TCWF back-issues are available
by anonymous ftp. And if you ask,
I'll even tell you where from!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| If you support the *concept*
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| of competition, you'll vote
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| for whoever you bloody well
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| feel like.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Jurassic Toxic Custard"
_____ _ _ _ _____
_ _ _ ____ _ _ _ TOxiC cUstaRd WorKShop fIles
_ ___ _ _ _ _ _ ____ _ nuMbeR 167, 27tH SepTembEr 1993
_ _ _ _ _ ___ _ _ _ _ wriTTen bY daNiEL boWEn
_ ___ _____ _ _ ____ _
Well, the Olympic decision has been handed down. Sydney 2000.
Whoopee. But spare a thought for those poor Beijing people. Yelling
and cheering every time they got mentioned. "Beijing has lost! They
have absolutely no chance!", to which the reply was "Yahoo!!"
Luckily, the Chinese government, which is well known for its
liberalism and freedom of the press and humanity and stuff, has
elected (if that's the appropriate word) not to "disappoint" people
by actually telling them that they've lost. Instead, they've begun a
huge operation to actually hold a fake Olympic games in 2000, to keep
morale up and to show the world that Communism still works. And the
prediction is that China will win every medal.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If Michael Jackson's tour is Dangerous, I wonder why he does it?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TOXIC CUSTARD PRODUCTIONS PRESENT
A Daniel Bowen production
In ASCII-Graphic-O-Scope
"THE CONTINENTAL SHELF JOKE"
__ /\
/ \/ \
/ | __ | /
/ \_/ \_./ //
/_____________________V________________________//
|______________________________________________|/
PS. Wasn't really worth it, was it?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Everyone please sit down. It is time. Now, you know how
seances work. Please link hands ... We are here to make
contact ... with the other side. Oh Elvis Presley ... are you
there? Please indicate your presence if you can hear me ...
... ... ... ... No answer! So that proves it. Elvis is alive!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wherever there is trouble, he's there. He causes it. But he's always
ready to answer the call to hit someone over the head with a ruddy
great piece of wood. Yes, cashing in mercilessly, Toxic Custard
Productions presents a plainly historically inaccurate presentation
of:
J U R A S S I C M A N
Jurassic Man was in his cave eating some pterodactyl and trying
to design a wheel when the call came through on the quite mythical
Bone Phone. "A Tyrannosaurus Rex is robbing a bank in Collins Street,
armed with a bloody big set of teeth."
Jurassic Man sprang into action, putting on his skins, collecting
his club and running at top speed to the scene. Forty-five minutes
later, he arrived to find the bank squashed into a pile of rubble.
"Quick! Jurassic Man! He went that way!" cried the bank manager
in a strange caveman dialogue resembling English.
"Ug."
Following the footprints without too much trouble at all,
Jurassic Man, his trusty club at the ready, made his way down the
street. Suddenly, he saw the dinosaur ahead of him, having a quick
lie down in William Street. He ran up to it.
"Ug!" he said, with emphasis on the "Ug".
The Tyrannosaurus Rex, who was plainly in the wrong era, (but
then, who isn't?) wasn't used to being spoken to like this, and
promptly squashed Jurassic Man.
Jurassic Man began to change. Not to a flatter shadow of his
former self, as was expected by far the majority of readers (not to
mention the author), but into a swirling range of colours from all
over the spectrum. From all over the canvas of an over-enthusiastic
and vomiting painter, in fact. And the colours moved in, and out, and
generally caused eyestrain, looking as they did like an SBS test-
pattern, until they began to focus and form into...
T h e s e a r c h f o r a l a s t i n g
T o x i c C u s t a r d s t o r y c h a r a c t e r
For he was not one to be merely squashed by a dinosaur after
half-a-dozen paragraphs. He was made of stronger stuff. Possibly some
kind of very tough moulded plastic. Anyway, he wasn't going to be
pushed around by some author. Authors? Scum of the earth. Especially
this weedy specimen, with his monochrome monitor and his chocolate
addiction. Pathetic.
He stood, not yet taking his final form, sort of leaning against
a lamp-post, considering the possibilities. The chance to make a
lasting impression on the whole of Toxic Custard as the world knew
it. A potential Popsicle of the mid-nineties.
But what could he be? A wizard? No, too Pratchetty. Cop? Too
Popsicley. Space hero? Too Rocket Rogery. Government minister?
Gangster? Vicar? Caveman? *sigh*. Perhaps, yes. We'll see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You probably all know by now that some
Jurassic TCWF back-issues are available
by anonymous ftp. And if you ask, I'll
even tell you where from! (If I know!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Undercover Caveman drug cop:
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| Jurassic Narc
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| [Winner, office Jurassic Park
Pun game, September 1993]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Encyclopaedic Toxic Custard"
TTTTT CCCCC W W FFFFFF 1 6 8888888 welcome to the 168th
T C W W F 1 6 8 8 edition of the Toxic
T C W W W FFFFF 1 666666 8888888 Custard Workshop Files.
T C W W W F 1 6 6 8 8 Due for publication on
T CCCCC WWWWWWW F 1 666666 8888888 or about the 4th of
October 1993, this
episode of Toxic Custard has been lovingly hand-crafted from the
finest of small plasticised parts made in Hong Kong. It has been
stress-tested amongst the obscurest Antler clubs of Bonn, and cleared
through the Welsh Censorship Board, should such a body exist. During
its journey onto your screen, it has also been thoughtfully inspected
by the eleven surviving members of the Russian Roulette club of the
Holy See. All these and other quality assurance controls ensure that
the Toxic Custard that is transferred from the limited expanses of
your computer screen into the even more limited expanses of your puny
brain is of the highest quality possible. You're such pathetic little
people, aren't you, eagerly peeking into your mailboxes to read your
Custard. What kind of squalid little worm of a being even bothers to
inspect such garbage, I ask. And what kind of squalid little molecule
bothers to write such shit every week, you ask back in retaliation.
Erm.. yeah. Well. Umm... [Some mumbling about supply and demand...]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Now, where was I? Ah yes, trying to find a lasting theme. And in
order that this be accomplished, I shall now begin work on the
all-knowing, all-seeing, all-wrong and quite incomplete Toxic
Custarpedia. This week, Volume 1 - selected definitions beginning
with A. Volume 1 is, of course, offered to you readers at a fraction
of the price of Volumes 2 to 543.
TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 1
AARDVARK
Like an anteater, but harder to spell, the aardvark hangs around
South American locations getting to know the local ant population,
and attempting genocide on them. Well recognised for its long
snout, with which it sucks up said unfortunate ants, the aardvark
is best known for that bit in Tintin where it cleans up Captain
Haddock's face. The Aardvark was originally named by Spanish
Explorer Aaron Varkinos in 1533. [See also: Ant]
ABATTOIR
A location where carnivores like myself can go to see the full
reality of the slaughter of defenceless little sheepies, piggies
and other animals unfortunate enough to be farmed for their
delicious rumps (and other bits). Yum. Actually, the dictionary
that I'm ... err... copying from says "public slaughterhouse", but
I wasn't aware that the general public were able to be slaughtered
at these locations. This may require further investigation.
Abattoirs originated in ancient Rome, when there was a shortage of
edible meat, and a simultaneous overflow of gladiators bodies to
get rid of. [See also: Vegetarian, Vegan]
ABC
Acronym for the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. Generally
described as a bit like the better-known BBC, but with half the
channels and twice the incompetence. But at least they don't
broadcast "Neighbours". This definition can cause confusion amongst
most of the world, who know the ABC as (a) the alphabet and (b) the
American Broadcasting Company. We won't even begin to mention the
Angolan Broadcasting Collective, the Alaskan Boiling Company, the
Adelaide Buddist Church or the Amsterdam Bicycle Committee. The ABC
was formed in 1932, and initially promoted itself as costing
taxpayers only a ha'penny a day.
ANT
A small insect, about as big as an ant. Ants are known to inhabit
anywhere there's food left lying around, especially foods
containing sugar or other sweet substances. Consequently, ants
suffer large amounts of tooth decay, since none of the major
toothbrush manufacturers have seen fit to produce a toothbrush a
suitable size for ants. Ants and grasshoppers have a life-long feud
happening, after some fable encouraging long-term investment in the
money market got written by a well known ant author. The easiest
way to kill an ant is to step on it. [See also: Ant, Recursion,
Dentistry, Grasshopper]
ATLAS
A really big dude who used to carry the world upon his shoulders
(or something like that). Today's modern Prime Ministers and
Presidents may think that they carry the world upon *their*
shoulders, but if that were true then they'd be crushed into tiny
specks just by the sheer weight of the damn thing. Actually the
above definition is only mythical. Atlas was actually the bloke in
the library in ancient Athens who knew where all the street
directories were kept. [See also: Metaphorical]
AUSTRALIA
[This entry extracted from a submission I wrote for the Galactic
Guide a while back. Check out alt.galactic-guide on Usenet for more
details. Well, why do something twice if you don't have to?]
While Australia, is well known by many as being the home of the
"Crocodile Dundee" movies, most Australians know Australia as being
the place where they live, or the place where they come from.
A famous writer, the name of which is insignificant, and
unremembered, once wrote of Australia:
I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of rugged mountain ranges,
Of droughts, and flooding rains.
While this may not be a work of literary genius, or take into
account the very high proportion of Australians who prefer to live
in sprawling cities than in sweeping plains or mountain ranges, it
is remarkable how the first three lines align like that, isn't it.
Amongst the legions of completely unknown and unimportant
Australians are some well-known and unimportant ones, such as (in
no apparent order):
1) Paul Hogan - alleged actor and wife-deserter
2) Clive James - humourist who prefers living in Britain
3) Nicole Kidman - actress who married Tom Cruise and
subsequently found a Hollywood career
4) Elle MacPherson - bimbo
5) Mel Gibson - alleged actor II
6) Greg Norman - Australian golfer with an American accent
7) Peter Garrett (of Midnight Oil) - bald singer who can't
dance
8) Michael Hutchence (of INXS) - hairy singer
9) Kylie Minogue - bimbo singer and bad soapie actress
10) Olivia Newton John - former bimbo singer and "Grease"
star. Ugh.
11) Peter Allen - bad cabaret singer, whose singing improved
remarkably when he died in 1992
12) the entire casts of "Neighbours", "Home and Away", "A
Country Practice", "Young Doctors" and "Prisoner", all
of whom have terrorised Great Britain for some time
now with their cheap and very bad soap operas
This list has only included a few people. There are about
seventeen million more. If you are thinking of joining them (ie
immigrating), think twice. Then do it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And that brings us to the close of another
rolling, impressive, vast Toxic Custard.
Just some of the back-issues are available
by ftp; send email right here for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------|
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| Do bisexual women have
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| a menstrual bicycle?
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Moderately moderate Toxic Custard"
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
Number 169 - 11/10/93
Written by Daniel Bowen
------------------TCWF-economy-heading-------------------------------
TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 2
BAA
The sound a sheep makes when trying to communicate its inner
feelings to the outside world. Unfortunately those in the outside
world who actually understand this are generally only other sheep.
But much can be interpreted by merely listening to the tone
expressed:
Baa! - Imperative
Baa... - Vague
Baa? - Questioning
... - Stubborn silence
B- - Slaughtered suddenly
BASEBALL
A pointless little game in which a couple of dozen people run
around a diamond formation as fast as they can, just to get back to
where they started. Beats me why they didn't just stay at home base
in the first place. In between, they throw small round things back
and forth, and try to hit them very hard with a long metal or
wooden bat. Which is pretty cruel on the small round things. And
the bats probably don't enjoy it much either.
BASTARD
Commonly used word for an illegitimate person. Approximately 98% of
traffic wardens are illegitimate. As are 87% of bank managers, 93%
of lawyers, and 97% of politicians. There is an Worldwide Society
of Bastards, who regularly appoint their members to the
International Order of Bastard. As you may have guessed, Inspector
Unnecessary-Violence is a member of this noble league.
BED
A horizontally positioned, generally soft, piece of furniture where
people go to sleep. Apart from this, a bed can be used for...
reading in. Yeah, before the people sleep, they can leap under the
covers with a couple of good books and... umm.. read. Of course,
more disgusting type people will indulge in other activities in
bed, such as... clipping toenails. Yeuch. But beds are mostly used
for sleeping in. Yes. Mostly for sleep. And the occasional dream.
Have I mentioned people can also sit on beds? And after use, beds
can be made, which means whoever can be bothered straightens up the
covers again, ready for the next err... sleeping session. That's
about all there is to mention about beds, isn't it? I mean, there's
no need to bring SMUT into this, is there? No. Just sleeping,
that's what beds are for. Not fucking. Oh damn, damn. Look, can we
just forget about this entry? I don't think anyone will be very
interested anyway.
BIBLE
A bible is a book which one or more religions consider to be holy,
and to be something that they should follow. It is of course
generally rather impractical to follow books, not just because they
don't often go anywhere, but also because they are not very good at
public speaking, decision making, problem solving, or any of the
other qualities recognised as being an advantage for leadership. A
religion based around the teachings of any compilation of Toxic
Custard would be very strange indeed. To subscribe to this new cult
following, send $15 now.
BLOOD
Blood is a substance which runs around and around your body. It
ensures that you know when you've cut yourself, because suddenly
whatever has a cut goes red. Certain members of the human race
actually have blue blood. This means they are bloodsucking leeches.
One for the small r republicans there.
BONK
Oh please, let's not get back to that.
BOOK
A number of letters, collected into words, compiled into sentences,
arranged into paragraphs and rendered on pages glued or stapled to
one another could in some circles considered to be a book. Books
were actually first used by the earliest of cavemen, but weren't
much use since although a few privileged elders were able to write,
absolutely nobody could read. Which makes them about as useless as
a one-legged umbrella wielding elephant.
BREAKFAST
The first of three major meals of the day, breakfast for the
average person will normally consist of a small to average amount
of food, such as a medium serving of artichoke, followed by three
slices of cow pie and orange juice, two boxes of Corn Flakes,
ninety-seven unpeeled bananas, fifteen rashers of bacon, nineteen
eggs, toast, and a sesame-seed bun. There are of course some people
in the world who are unable to enjoy breakfast. But that serves
them right for drinking so heavily the night before.
BRONZE
The third highest medal obtainable at sporting events. Generally
won by those athletes who go on to advertise underarm products,
dog shampoos and toilet cleaners, rather than the more highly rated
breakfast cereals (silver) and sneakers (gold).
BUGGER
Common suffix to the word "oh". May also have some sexual
connotations, but we're not getting into all that again.
BYE
Oh, seeya.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*yawn* That's enough for this week. G'night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------|
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| BYZANTINE
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| Oh, who cares?
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Cardbored Toxic Custard"
__ __
|__> |__>
| |
_ _ |_ _| _ _
| |_| |_| | | |_| |_| |
| | | |
\ / \ /
| | _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ | |
| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |_| |
| |
| CASTLE___CUSTARD |
| # # # / \ # # # # |
| # # # | | # # # # |
| | | |
| | | |
................................................................
...................................................................
.....................................................................
After that impressive but completely pointless display of ASCII
graphic art, which needlessly managed to fill up a whole twenty lines
(cunning, eh?), and should have gone in next week anyway, we move on,
to
TOXIC CUSTARPEDIA - VOLUME 3
CELSIUS, ANDERS (1701-44)
Swedish astronomer. At the age of 25, he had a raging argument with
best friend Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit (1686-1736) when he claimed
that Fahrenheit's system of measuring temperature was completely
fucked, and that he could design a better system whilst standing on
his head blindfolded in a bucket of lard. Fahrenheit rose to the
challenge, bringing along his friend Jeff Imperial, a blindfold,
and a very large bucket of lard. Celsius's good friend Verner Von
Metric stood by as Celsius designed his system of measuring
temperature. Celsius and Metric then got into a huge fight with
Fahrenheit and Imperial, and they ended up throwing ice cubes and
boiling water at one another. It was only later that they realised
that Celsius's brother Kelvin had been watching all the time and
had ripped off the new design and sold it to an entrepreneur.
CHOCOLATE
Truly the most wondrous substance in the whole universe. One day
they will discover that chocolate can be used to power the world,
cure the common cold, stop cancer in its tracks, and do really
nasty things to Nazis. And that day will be one of celebration. As
Thomas Hardy once said "If the world were a Mars Bar..." I forget
the rest, actually. [See also: Nutella]
CHURCH
A church is either (a) a big, generally impressive-looking building
where people go to indulge in religious activities, or (b) a rash
commonly found on the upper-thigh. I think it's (b). One well-known
cure is to dab it with a cream mixed from worm manure, cow snot and
crushed caterpillars. If unchecked, a church can spread into the
genital region, and may cause a great deal of pain during
intercourse. Some churches also grow in anal areas. [See also:
Bible]
COMPETITION
Competition is now recognised as the lynch-pin of free trade, the
brake-pad of democracy, and the small plastic novelty egg of the
consumer society. It is also an excellent method of breaking up
monopolies, with subsequent improvements in consumer choice and
customer service. The beginnings of this were hatched in ancient
Rome, when one of the Caesars decided to allow a private plumbing
company, Ploptus, to compete with the existing Smellipong aqueduct
provider. Both companies launched massive advertising campaigns,
putting their slogans on chariots and villas, and sponsoring
gladiators, in their battle to be the preferred carrier of the
citizens' crap. Slogans varied from the simple "Piss" of Ploptus,
to the "This Is The Sewer Calling" of Smellipong. After a little
while, the two companies held a "Pooselection" vote for people's
turd disposal. Smellipong retained a large share of its shit, and
generally crapped all over Ploptus.
COMPUTER
An electronic device designed to make you rip your hair out. The
principles of a computer are very simple. You give the computer
some data as input, it messes, mixes, scrambles and screws up the
data until it is nonsensical and unrecognisable, and then it spits
it out the other end as output. Computers can have strange effects
on some people, causing their brains to flush and refill with
information that is only related to computers. Doctors have now
perfected a technique that can cure this condition, known as a
Nerdoplasty.
CROQUET
A game in which wooden balls are driven by means of long-handled
mallets, through a series of hoops. Christ, how boring can you get.
They ought to pep it up a bit. At the very least, a net. Or maybe a
bit of hitting your opponents over the head with the mallets. Or
perhaps rolling grannies across the lawn in wheelchairs carrying
high-explosives to see if they can collide...
CUSTARD
Custard is a warm, gooey yellowish substance commonly swallowed
orally. The great Custic Civilisations of the upper Amazon are
commonly credited with the invention and implementation of the
first truly gooey custards. They had perfected hot gooey custard
for use as a sexual therapy as early as 200BC, and the telling of
such stories in iconic form have often been accredited with the
shortage of bananas in that particular region. [See also: Toxic]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I want to tell you something
It's something you should know
Never fart in the shower
'Cos it's got no place to go
And don't let off in a public phone
Else you won't get out alive
And certainly don't fart in a lift
You'll be booted out at level five
Don't blow off in an underground train
Or you might cause a big fire
And never in a cinema
Lest patrons show their ire
Underwater's pretty bad
The bubbles with blub and blub
And beware of all the bouncers
If farting in a club
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The customary fart joke brings us to the end
of another edition of the Toxic Custard
Workshop Files. Back-issues are available by
email, but you'll just have to reply to this
posting to get details, won't you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, NTC Systems------| Any opinions expressed here are
Telecom Australia, Melbourne---| purely my own, and not necessarily
dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au-| those of Telecom Australia. It's
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| just my own silly little hobby.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia
Copyright (c) 1993, 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided this notice remains intact.
For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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