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____________________________________________________________________________
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*****************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************
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***********PARTS ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN TO ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY**********
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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WherethehelldidIputToxicCustard
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/
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___________ ____ _ _ ______ __ _ /_
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|___ ___// ___|| |_| |\ __// || | / \ Toxic Custard Workshop Files
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\ / | |___ | | | | \ _\ | || || ** | Number one-hundred and sixteen
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\/ \____\|_____| \_| |_||_| \__/ Written by Daniel Bowen
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5th October 1992
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WHERETHEHELLDIDIPUTIT SYNDROME
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I think everyone who has ever lived must have suffered from the
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wherethehelldidIputit syndrome. One day, you'll be innocently minding
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your own business, and *ping* suddenly you think, "Gee, what I could E
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really use right now is an X. Now, where did I last see that really v
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great X that I had?" And do you find it? Do you instantaneously e
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remember where you left it when you last saw it? Does a particular r
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drawer or cupboard spring to mind straight away which you happen to
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know was the last sighting of your X? No, of course not. It could be h
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bloody anywhere, and you won't find it, not in this lifetime. You could a
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spend the rest of your days searching high and low, moving hell and d
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high water to find it, but let's face it, when it comes down to it,
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you're just going to have to bite the bullet and go out and shell out a
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for a new one, aren't you.
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And fate decrees that within minutes of triumphantly walking into "
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the house after purchasing your brand new X, the most deluxe model in W
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the entire city which you saved for three weeks without eating to buy, h
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you will, of course, naturally, stumble across your old X, in some e
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Godforsaken location, which, although frighteningly accessible, you r
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never thought of looking at before. e
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Bummer, eh? t
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And if you're wondering, I've lost my D25 gender changer thingy. h
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e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
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e
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Okay, it's "thankfully short honest-to-God story from childhood" time. l
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I hate to drag out the cliches, but this really happened, okay? Okay. l
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Everyone knows about Uri Geller and his spoon bending. Well I had a d
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friend, and he'd heard about this. And he wasn't impressed. And he told i
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me so. He said "there's nothing special about that.. bending spoons.. d
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anyone can do that." And he showed me. He picked out a teaspoon from I
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the cutlery drawer, held it in his two hands, and bent it. p
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u
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
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i
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THE INVERTEBRATORS t
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"
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Tonight we investigate the scandalous operations of Roger Reilly. Roger
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Reilly's company, "Rocket Ripoff Merchants Inc." has conned money out p
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of several dozen very thick people in this country. r
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Jane and John Wilson were two of the extremely stupid people who o
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have fallen foul of Roger Reilly's Ripoff and have consequently b
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contacted us so that we can broadcast to the nation how gullible they l
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are. e
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m
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JOHN: Well, this man knocked on the door, and he said "Hi, I'm from ?
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Roger Reilly's Rocket Ripoff Merchants Incorporated, and if you'll give
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me lots of money, I promise to never see you again." And of course, we W
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thought that was a good idea, and we even signed the contract he gave e
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us, agreeing to hand over large sums of money to him, but we never l
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dreamed that this would happen. l
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And what actually happened? d
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o
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JOHN: He took lots of our money, and we never saw him again. n
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'
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But isn't that what he said would happen? t
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JOHN: No, he said he'd never see us again, not the other way around. t
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That's completely different, and it wasn't in the contract we signed. h
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We just feel as though we've been cheated. We're finding it hard to i
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make ends meet now that that money has gone. n
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k
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Yes yes, save us the sob story about losing your job and having to make
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money by performing acts of depravation with toadstools. w
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e
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JANE: It's just been so awful, these last few months. Thank God now
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we've contacted you and got our plight on television. That'll solve c
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everything. a
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n
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Well, don't think that calling us in is actually going to solve
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anything; we're just here to get ratings. d
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Anyway, we chased up Roger Reilly's Ripoff Merchants Incorporated o
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at their multi-storey building floating on Sydney Harbour. Mr Reilly
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predictably declined an interview on camera, so we decided to smash a
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down the front door, argue our way past his receptionist, and end up n
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chasing him out of the building with the camera wobbling y
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uncontrollably, down the road to his luxury car with the leather seats, t
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six doors, three toilets and spa facilities, where he would drive off h
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so the viewers could see what a completely and utterly rich bastard con i
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artist he was. But unfortunately, he changed his mind and decided to n
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give us the interview after all. g
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Mr Reilly, what do you say to the accusations that you are taking money a
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from your customers without giving them anything in return? b
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o
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ROGER: Well, it's true. u
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t
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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i
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It's all very well to say that we just had a state election, and that t
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that's giving the people a choice, but what choice did we really have? .
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When it all comes down to it, we had no choice. None. Which ever way we
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voted, we were going to end up with a premier whose initials are J.K. B
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a
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ d
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YOU have been READING the 116th TOXIC custard.
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Bloody AWFUL, wasn't it. IF you'd like TO read l
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the BACK issues, may I suggest that YOU reply u
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to THIS message, or SEND mail to c
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TCWF@GNU.AI.MIT.EDU right now. k
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ,
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Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
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-- m
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | E.T. reminds me of an old woman a
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Melbourne, Australia------------| on the tram the other day: t
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| wrinkled, making funny noises, e
|
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TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | and very bad posture. .
|
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|
_______________________________________________________________________________
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Piss weak Toxic Custard
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In article <1992Sep29.164718.12569@topaz.ucq.edu.au> in aus.jokes,
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slaterk@topaz.ucq.edu.au writes:
|
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> The toxic custard workshop files are a complete and utter waste of reading
|
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> time.
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> I can't see how students or otherwise can afford time spend so much time
|
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> compiling and editing such shit.
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Quite right, it's a huge and complete pile of horse shit with half-a-
|
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million stinking flies flying around just dying to sink their fangs
|
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into it! The authors deserve to be chopped into small bits and put
|
|
through the digestive system of a female rhino on heat before being
|
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scooped up and flattened by a forty ton steam-roller going 20
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kilometres over the speed limit.
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|
Let's face it, no-one finds TCWF funny. For instance, I can't stand
|
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the fucking thing. And that's good enough for me. I'm telling you, If
|
|
my eyeballs so much as catch sight of the letters T C W and F in that
|
|
order, they explode, covering everything and everyone around me with
|
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various limbs and dubious bodily substances.
|
|
Every single issue, should they not cause my head to blow up,
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|
causes me to fall asleep at the keyboard. No, not fall asleep,
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regurgitate. Yuck, there's vomit all over the screen, and in between
|
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the keys, and everything.
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|
Oh CHRIST, here comes another one!
|
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|
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---t--c--w--f--1--1--7------------------------WFTC-Toxic Custard Workshop Files
|
|
******* ***** * * ******* * * ****** FTCW Custard Workshop Files Toxic
|
|
* * * * * * * * * TCWF Workshop Files Toxic Custard
|
|
* * * * * * ***** * * * CWFT Files Toxic Custard Workshop
|
|
* ***** * * * * * *---WFTC-Number 117-12th October 1992
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I'm fed up with X brand condoms
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They're all full of little holes
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The rubber isn't smooth and soft G
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And kids aren't a current goal o
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I won't buy no more cheapo bread o
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It tastes like complete crap d
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Eat too much and end up dead
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Dead as ten kamikaze Japs m
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And as for low price t-shirts o
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They really just don't fit r
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They lose their shape, sleeves fall off n
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They're a festering pile of shit i
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I'll steer clear of no name videos n
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They jam in the machine g
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Spew tape in all directions ,
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Picture quality's obscene
|
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I've put a ban on budget cat-food w
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The cats will just ignore h
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|
And if per chance they try a bit a
|
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It's thrown up on the floor t
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Cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap e
|
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More cheaps than a bird cage v
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Bargains low price cheap reduced e
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All made for less than the minimum wage r
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No more bargain garbage bags
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They split and spill, you see y
|
|
They leave the neighbourhood smelling worse o
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Than a bucket of KFC u
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Those cheap batteries piss me off
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Running down like others don't a
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Leaking acid every where r
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Turning Bee Gees to baritones e
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I'm sick of Home Brand wipers .
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They drip all on the floor
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They fall apart like El Al planes T
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And soak up bugger all h
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e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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s
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|
TRANSYLVANIA WATERS - a real life drama looking into the everyday lives i
|
|
of a family of vampires. This week, Noeline denies she has a blood d
|
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addiction problem, and gets an apology from the Federal Health e
|
|
Minister. Paul and Dione stay out after dawn accidentally, and Laurie w
|
|
narrowly dodges half a dozen angry viewers armed with wooden stakes. a
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|
y
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PS. Isn't Noeline Donaher a dead-ringer for Noeline Hogan!?! s
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - m
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e
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ROCK NEWS - THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF **MEGABOGUE** s
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s
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|
Megabogue, the all-Australian very heavy-metal bastard band currently a
|
|
in the USA on their "Touring The USA" tour, have been kicked out of the g
|
|
Four-Star Garbagio Hotel in San Francisco. The band haven't actually e
|
|
been fortunate enough to be booked for any concerts while in America,
|
|
but decided to go ahead with the tour anyway just to try and gain some i
|
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publicity, a ploy which has failed utterly. s
|
|
Hotel manager Mr Martin Believable claimed that members of the band
|
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had systematically demolished the entire building by first visiting s
|
|
every single room and smashing in the bathroom mirrors, throwing the a
|
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television sets out of the windows, upturning the beds, some of which d
|
|
still had one or more guests in them. Harry "Headbanger" Wall, the lead l
|
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guitarist then placed explosives to structurally weaken the hotel while y
|
|
bass guitar player Bonk Mee moved in with bulldozers and one of those
|
|
big balls on the end of a chain that you always see demolishing crews d
|
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using. Rhythm guitarist Vimmy "The Thorn" made several suggestive e
|
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comments about balls, and other parts of the anatomy to passing women. p
|
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The end result was that the hotel building, and quite a few around l
|
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it, were razed. Developers have offered to buy the site and turn it e
|
|
into a multi-storey car park instead. t
|
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Megabogue's manager R. Orf-Severely discounted accusations that it e
|
|
was all just a big publicity stunt, and pointed out the unexpected d
|
|
result of the entire band, their entourage of three, and himself,
|
|
ending up imprisoned for four years. He said that naturally the band t
|
|
would be putting forward an appeal, prepared by their unfortunately low h
|
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paid and under-qualified attorney. i
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|
s
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Oh, that was Terrible. Custard Wasn't Funny w
|
|
for the one-hundred and twelfth week running. e
|
|
Big bloody surprise. Pathetic. Irresponsible. e
|
|
Shameful. Slanderous. Worthless. Erroneous. k
|
|
Arthropodic. Kaput. And if you'd like more .
|
|
rotten terrible back-issues, reply to this, or
|
|
send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Apparently the end of the world is due on the
|
|
Melbourne, Australia------------| 19th of October... which is a bummer for my
|
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| sister, whose birthday is the day after. I
|
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TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | guess we save on presents this year, eh sis?
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
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Apocalyptic Toxic Custard
|
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|
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\\ ///// \\ // =====\ Toxic Custard Workshop Files || || //'`\\
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\\--- // \\ /\ // | || No. 118 - 19th October 1992 || || >>--<<
|
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\\ //// \\//\\// | || Written by Daniel Bowen || || \\__//
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Infamous Russian serial-killer Andrei Chikatilo has been sentenced to
|
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death, and is officially now in "Death-Queue". He has also been accused
|
|
of battering his wife. The state prosecutor provided evidence, A
|
|
including an order form for an extra extra extra large frying pan, and p
|
|
several gallons of batter. He is expected to be executed just as soon o
|
|
as the Russian military can get together enough bullets and working c
|
|
guns for the firing squad, enough bricks for a wall for him to stand a
|
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against, and a qualified bricklayer. l
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
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p
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MEANWHILE, IN THE WHITE HOUSE t
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i
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BUSH: Godammit, we need action in Yugoslavia now! After those stoopid c
|
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debates we need to show the world who's boss. And show them it's ,
|
|
me, preferably. We have to show that we can maintain the peace in
|
|
Bosnia as well as we did in Kuwait. s
|
|
e
|
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GENERAL EAGLEBURGER: Well Mr President, here's a plan we at the i
|
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Pentagon have drawn up. There's Yugoslavia there. Now, if we send s
|
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the troops in here to separate the Serbs and the Bosnians... m
|
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i
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BUSH: Just a moment General. Now, where are the oilfields? c
|
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,
|
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EAGLEBURGER: Sir, there are no oilfields.
|
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c
|
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BUSH: You mean these guys are tearing each others throats out and a
|
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there's no oil involved? That's crazy. Maybe we can sell them some? t
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
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c
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MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... l
|
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McDonald's. We all know how unfashionable McDonald's is - but why is y
|
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McChuck's still so irresistible? How do those two famous and highly s
|
|
suggestive golden arches keep dragging in millions of people year after m
|
|
year? Is it the snazzy uniforms worn by the teenage delinquents who i
|
|
carry the food from the dispensing machines and ovens to the counter? c
|
|
Is it the crappy Muzak of the best of the Beatle's hits - for all ,
|
|
intents and purposes a musical SIN. "Hey Jude" loses most of its spirit
|
|
when transferred to the organ. Is it the wonderfully leafy fake plants? i
|
|
Or perhaps the decor? Some people just can't resist trying to grab l
|
|
those window seats with the pretend leather covering on the back l
|
|
(though not on the actual seat bit where your bum goes, heaven forbid). i
|
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All the atmosphere of a landing on the moon. t
|
|
And then of course, there's the food. The shakes, for which the e
|
|
straw provided is not even remotely approaching adequate for the task - r
|
|
an industrial strength vacuum cleaner might be more suitable; the pure a
|
|
fresh orange juice with that great taste of plastic cup; the t
|
|
flesh-melting HOT apple pie; the infamous Chicken McSomethings; and the e
|
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two all-beef patties blah blah blah on a rather sickly tasting ,
|
|
sesame-seed bun. (Ever taken a close look at a slice of cheese supplied
|
|
on a McDonaldsburger? Euch! If a Swiss cheesemaker ever accidentally d
|
|
came up with one of those, he'd be shot.) i
|
|
Let's not forget those plastic recycled trays with the paper c
|
|
recycled public service messages plastered all over them. How the hell t
|
|
are you meant to read them without spilling your fries, someone else's i
|
|
shake and all the mayonnaise from your stupidly named Filet'o'Fish all o
|
|
over the table, the floor, and the person-next-to-you's genitals? n
|
|
But for all this - the gruesome surrounds, the mediocre food, why i
|
|
do people go? Why?! 'Cos they know what they're getting, that's why! f
|
|
(That's why I go! Do you? Yeah?) i
|
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - c
|
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.
|
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OH, GOOD MORNING. I SAW THE SIGN OUTSIDE, "TORTOISES WANTED", AND I .
|
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THOUGHT I'D APPLY.
|
|
O
|
|
Ah but, sir, you aren't a tortoise. I would venture to say that you k
|
|
don't even remotely resemble a tortoise, not in way, shape, size or a
|
|
form. Or, for that matter, demeanour. y
|
|
,
|
|
NO NO, NOT ME, ALTHOUGH I MUST CONFESS THAT THE PROSPECT OF TAKING UP
|
|
SUCH A POSITION DOES NOT REPEL ME TO A LARGE EXTENT. NEVERTHELESS, I o
|
|
INTEND TO OFFER NIGEL HERE AS AN APPLICANT TO THE POSITION OF TORTOISE. k
|
|
a
|
|
Erm, this is Nigel, is it? y
|
|
,
|
|
YES.
|
|
I
|
|
But this so-called "Nigel" appears to be a large half-a-walnut shell
|
|
painted green with four matchsticks and what I presume to be a small c
|
|
section of Italian sausage attached to one end. a
|
|
n
|
|
GERMAN, ACTUALLY. '
|
|
t
|
|
German. I see. Well, Mister.. erm..
|
|
t
|
|
ANTSBOTTOM h
|
|
i
|
|
Well Mister Antsbottom, though your presentation of your no doubt good n
|
|
companion Nigel for this position is undoubtedly first-rate (I like the k
|
|
little bow-tie, by the way), I'm afraid that Nigel really isn't of the
|
|
calibre required for this most demanding of reptilian positions. o
|
|
f
|
|
OH. WELL, I SUPPOSE IT WAS WORTH A TRY, WASN'T IT.
|
|
a
|
|
Quite so. Good day. n
|
|
y
|
|
WELL, BYE BYE. C'MON NIGEL. I TOLD YOU HE'D REALISE YOU WERE A TURTLE, t
|
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BUT WOULD YOU LISTEN? h
|
|
i
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
|
|
Your eyeballs have been host to another bum-trickling g
|
|
issue of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. If your
|
|
eyeballs would like a gander at a selection of the t
|
|
TCWF's of the golden ages of 1990 and 1991, please o
|
|
don't hesitate to email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for full .
|
|
and frank details. . g
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ...ereh o
|
|
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | And for those of you who don't believe today
|
|
Melbourne, Australia------------| is the end of the world.. just you wait!
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| The entire population of the planet may get
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | obliterated, but boy, will the laugh be on
|
|
you!
|
|
|
|
|
|
AND NOW FOR THE INAUGURAL TOXIC CARTOON WEEKLY FILE. To see it, you
|
|
need to save it to a file and uudecode it. Then bung it into a program
|
|
you can see GIFs with. If you have any problems, seek out your local
|
|
computer geek.
|
|
|
|
begin 644 tcwf118.gif
|
|
M1TE&.#=A6 +( ) /___RP 6 +( "^XR/J<OM#Z.<M-J+L]Z\
|
|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
|
M'OMS'_NQ#OLR^*JP$FNP6[HT1=)@(KL3Y3H<,7L1 \NF,P9L-XNSEDIT!0
|
|
!._MS
|
|
|
|
end
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Star jumping Toxic Custard
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOXIC __ __ ______
|
|
CUSTARD | | | __ | Number 119 Written by
|
|
WORKSHOP | | |____ | 26th October 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
|
-----------------FILES--|__|__|______|-----------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
AEROBICS FOR AMPUTEES: Okay, now let's have star jumps.. oh.. erm..
|
|
well, half-star jumps.. for those of you missing arms, just jump and T
|
|
throw your remaining arm outwards... for those missing legs, put both h
|
|
arms out but obviously only one leg, otherwise you'll fall over. e
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
g
|
|
Have you heard that new Brian May song, "Too Much Love Will Kill You"? r
|
|
Lovely, lovely. A marvellous tribute to the late Freddie Mercury. But e
|
|
that new REM song, "Drive"... well, all I can say is, anyone who still a
|
|
refers to today's youth as "Hey, kids!" is obviously unaware that he's t
|
|
got a serious credibility problem. The last one to get away with "kids" e
|
|
was Pete Townshend in nineteen sixtysomething. s
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
|
|
|
|
AEROBICS FOR AMPUTEES: Now I wanna see push-ups.. err no, that's a bit w
|
|
impractical. Let's try touching your toes! If you have them all. Oh, i
|
|
shortage of hands. How about one foot at a time then? s
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d
|
|
o
|
|
MR POPSICLE RETURNS! for a nerve-boring brain-dulling story of mystery m
|
|
and adventure and violent acts.
|
|
i
|
|
The scene: A street, very like the one you or I might live in, in fact, n
|
|
I think it's mine. Though it could be yours. Or anyone's, for that
|
|
matter. Just your average boring suburban street, full to the brim with t
|
|
average boring people who moved there because the real estate agent h
|
|
told them it was going to be pretty average and boring, rather than e
|
|
bloody scary and quite interesting (in a macabre sort of a way), as
|
|
it's about to get, on or about the next paragraph. But that's what you u
|
|
can expect if you believe everything a real estate agent says. They n
|
|
should be called fake estate agents, for all the bullshit they spin. i
|
|
(A footnote here, which shouldn't be here, since it's meant to be a v
|
|
footnote, but it won't fit in my shoe right at the moment, because my e
|
|
foot's in it instead... I know some of you lot are sick and tired of r
|
|
Popsicle, but hell, he's the only one of my characters with whom I can s
|
|
develop some sort of developing narrative story. So there. Oh, and e
|
|
*ALSO*, why does listening to The Who double my creative output?)
|
|
Anyway, back on this boring and normal (I can't say average c
|
|
anymore, since the events that are about to happen here will render it a
|
|
un-average for at least the next fifteen minutes) street. The Smiths at n
|
|
number 65 were just settling down to dinner when they heard a loud
|
|
banging from the back yard. Not at their peril, they ignored it, b
|
|
thinking it to be just the budgie indulging in heavy metal music again. e
|
|
In fact the banging in the back yard was no less than an armoured
|
|
truck, absolutely chocka with dosh. It was a special Armaguard delivery f
|
|
bound for the Channel 9 TV studios, for a filming of "Sale of the o
|
|
Century". You know that bit where Tony Barber or whoever that u
|
|
non-entity who replaced him announces the cash jackpot that no-one's n
|
|
won for the fifty-seventh year in succession at the end of the show, d
|
|
and they get the camera on the two security guards with the least
|
|
dandruff and fleas they could find, grinning inanely because they think i
|
|
the entire audience are looking at them in awe (the audience is n
|
|
actually slobbering over the quite plainly ridiculous amount of cash in
|
|
the transparent box next to them). That's where the money in the truck t
|
|
was bound. But there was one problem. The dosharooney company was in h
|
|
the throes of a horrifying and unexpected attack of flu. Well, okay, e
|
|
that makes two problems, the second of them being that due to a staff
|
|
shortage during the flu epidemic (for want of a better word), the "
|
|
company had assigned to the particular delivery that we are concerned W
|
|
in (and concerned at, because it's taking so long to get past the o
|
|
description of it and into the real story) two of the most cautious and m
|
|
guarded guards they had. Which wasn't a problem in itself. But what was a
|
|
a problem was that neither of these guards had quite mastered the n
|
|
reading of maps. John and Jane jumping up hills with big red balls and '
|
|
running around with small dogs who never licked their own testicles (or s
|
|
John's for that matter), they could handle. But plonk these two down in
|
|
front of the ol' Melways, and they were lost. If Rand McNally himself D
|
|
had arrived to personally guide them through the area, they still would a
|
|
have been lost. A collaboration of the greatest explorers of history y
|
|
could not have saved them. They were well and truly up shit street "
|
|
without a puddle of a clue where they were going.
|
|
Those of you with higher quality minds, refined and practised in h
|
|
the art of memory will remember that the armoured truck in question was o
|
|
passing through the back yard of a family in a normal street in a r
|
|
normal suburb. The truck in fact also passed through two sections of r
|
|
the fence surrounding either side of the back yard before making its o
|
|
way onto an empty block next door back towards the familiar sight of r
|
|
gravel. The drivers of the truck naturally thought this was good. They s
|
|
thought it was the best luck to happen on this trip since they'd c
|
|
narrowly missed running over sixty school kids on an excursion to a o
|
|
traffic island, five kilometres back. p
|
|
There were others who also thought it was good. But it wasn't the e
|
|
local residents, it was the Ruthless gang of thugish bank robbers lying
|
|
in wait for the truck, further down the street. Ruthless, utterly c
|
|
Ruthless. For amongst all their members, there was not one who had been o
|
|
named Ruth. In this respect, the gang were also Morrisless, Lesless, l
|
|
and Charless. Not to mention Dickless. (Dick appears later in the u
|
|
story). m
|
|
The truck continued in its merry way, with one guard firmly n
|
|
gripping the wheel in his steady hands, and the other firmly gripping a .
|
|
1972 edition of a street directory for the outer eastern suburbs of
|
|
Cairo upside down in one hand while the other hand scanned the page
|
|
looking for map reference F4.
|
|
|
|
*What will happen? Will the Fredless gang get away with the money?*
|
|
*Course they will, otherwise there'll be no crime for Popsicle and*
|
|
*his mates to investigate! No informers to beat up! No prisoners*
|
|
*to assault in the cells! Call that a story? Do me a favour! Find*
|
|
*out all this stuff in the next thrilling episode of Mr Popsicle!!*
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Mr Popsicle appears courtesy of the
|
|
Association Of Famous Spies And Law
|
|
Enforcers. For previous Popsicle
|
|
adventures (which are in previous
|
|
TCWFs, naturally), contact the usual
|
|
boring address for information.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | I bought a beeswax candle,
|
|
Melbourne, Australia------------| but I think I've been
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| ripped off. It smells more
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | like honey to me.
|
|
|
|
Here's the second TCWF cartoon, "A Toxic Halloween"
|
|
|
|
begin 644 tcwf119.gif
|
|
M1TE&.#=AO ) 9 /___RP O ) 0 "^X2/J<OM#Z.<M-J+L]Z\
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|
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|
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|
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MDL7T]P\BRIUZ.L[$V4]GNIE$BQK%!V1CR98CT?%\.E"E.09.J5XT=C2K5ID]
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M1$[UR>LEU),,(6PM1^VLVK7#<"AM"Y:7T+%/Z2Q@2U/L*+Q\^QJ$X36G@JIW
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MK](5&-BO2\-[%3M6"UCJW\*0YQY6^)8HA9R,+PF.<!2<T<&C6=@E_9@EX<O;
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|
|
|
|
end
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Green and red Toxic Custard
|
|
|
|
____ ___ ____ ___ _
|
|
/ || \ // || || || /|| / \ // \\ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES..
|
|
|| || || || ||__ || ___/ || || Sillily Written by Daniel Bowen
|
|
.||. \\___ ||/\|| || .||. /____ \\_// Number 120 - 2nd November 1992
|
|
|
|
This issue of Toxic Custard promises to be the most recent in at least
|
|
a week, and the very first to feature spotted pie vans flying
|
|
diagonally into the lake whilst singing a rendition of "When I'm Sixty F
|
|
Four". TCWF 120 will also feature an estimated 9 completely utterly i
|
|
obvious lies, along with 13 bendings of the truth, and around 20 r
|
|
exaggerations. s
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
|
|
|
|
While it's widely rumoured that green M&Ms are an aphrodisiac, little P
|
|
is known about the powers of the other coloured M&Ms. Recent fictional h
|
|
research has shown a number of properties and reactions that the a
|
|
different colours of M&Ms have: r
|
|
- medium brown, when eaten in large quantities can act as a
|
|
laxative. If more than 10 are eaten within half an hour, the L
|
|
patient err eater is liable to be stuck on the toilet for three a
|
|
days or more. p
|
|
- dark brown is known to expand people's feet, by up to three sizes. .
|
|
Which can be more than a little awkward if they have shoes on at .
|
|
the time. t
|
|
- orange may cause the eater to unknowingly donate huge sums of h
|
|
money to bizarre religious sects of various persuasions e
|
|
- yellow will often cause all the hair to fall out, and a sudden and n
|
|
rapid disproportionate expansion of the genitalia
|
|
- red can cause some discolouration of the eyes and may, in extreme Y
|
|
cases, lead to communist tendencies a
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
|
|
k
|
|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... e
|
|
Society's problems. There are a number of problems that society faces l
|
|
today. And most of them could be solved if the politicians could only
|
|
be bothered getting off their lazy parliamentary arses and doing some R
|
|
real work, instead of shouting at each other all day and night and day o
|
|
long and actively seeking to burn everybody's money while doing so. s
|
|
Firstly, reorganise weekends. No-one should have a break on the e
|
|
weekends; they should all be allocated to special weekend slavery n
|
|
workshops, to get the economy working again. b
|
|
Next, all advertising executives should be shot. Now where, you may a
|
|
ask, is the logic behind this? Simple. We all watch loads of tv. With u
|
|
no advertising, this should save about thirty percent of the average m
|
|
person's television time, which could be put to good use working in .
|
|
slavery instead. Great! .
|
|
Other people who should be shot and killed as soon as possible
|
|
include environmentalists, schoolkids, unionists, vandals, mental w
|
|
patients, transvestites and comedians. Not to mention loud-mouthed h
|
|
people who shout their opinions constantly at people who couldn't care o
|
|
less, that's what really gets up my nose...
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
|
|
i
|
|
MR POPSICLE RETURNS! again, for the second episode in this foot-numbing l
|
|
adventure mystery l
|
|
|
|
The scene: the precis of the last episode. A very ordinary episode, b
|
|
almost identical to the one you might have read last week. If you e
|
|
bothered. If you didn't just skim through this crap, perhaps only
|
|
reading the sideways message in the right-hand margin. Anyway, for n
|
|
those of you who would like to be reminded, an armoured truck is about e
|
|
to be ambushed and robbed by a Ruthless gang of psychopathic thug x
|
|
lunatic bank robbing-type-people armed to the gums with various deadly t
|
|
paraphernalia. ,
|
|
The truck continued roving the streets in an aimless way, in the
|
|
same way that an insect flies around looking for someone's nostril to P
|
|
explore. The gang's plan was to surround the truck at a set of traffic a
|
|
lights and pretend to offer to clean the windscreen. u
|
|
One of the gang's team, the one who was the most experienced in l
|
|
electronics, having taken advanced lessons in fuse and light bulb
|
|
replacement at the School Of Handyman Hints And Tips, crouched by the H
|
|
traffic light control box (number 3932, call 882-8111 in the event of o
|
|
failure) until he saw the van in the distance. He then used his sawn- g
|
|
off screwdriver set to open the control box and press what he hoped a
|
|
were the buttons to change the traffic lights to red and make the n
|
|
demonic little red man appear in the pedestrian subdivision of the ?
|
|
traffic lights.
|
|
The armoured truck's driver, despite having difficulty with maps, W
|
|
had mastered that most significant of road-laws which equates red with e
|
|
"STOP!", in much the same way as the red and green on banks' withdrawal l
|
|
and deposit forms subliminally suggest what we should do with our l
|
|
hard-earned dosh. Anyway, to cut what could very easily become a long ,
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story short(er), the driver stopped. And so did the truck.
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The gang went into action. And, having briefly wiped the windscreen w
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with a couple of old and crusty wipers they got cheap from a window- e
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cleaner supplies shop liquidation sale, two of them, who shall remain
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nameless for the time being (in order to maintain a certain mystery c
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about their identities, with the purpose of keeping the story just a a
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little bit mysterious), went up to either side of the front of the n
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truck and asked, in return for their dubious cleaning services, for the
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contents of the armoured truck. o
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Now, the guards might have been partial fools, but they weren't n
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total idiots. After all, they'd both joined Armaguard after failing to l
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get into the police force, which has to count for something, doesn't y
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it? Assuredly. And if the gang really honestly thought they were going
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to be able to fool the guards into handing the considerable amount of h
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money in the truck over as easily that, then they had another thing o
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|
coming. Luckily for the gang, though, they didn't actually think that, p
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which meant that they *didn't* have another thing coming. They'd done e
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their homework, and had decided that the best way of getting the guards .
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to hand over all the money was to wait until they'd wound down one or .
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more of the windows of the cab, and then to stick a bloody big, and .
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preferably threatening looking, gun in their faces.
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So they did.
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*So what happened? And when will the maniacal goodguys of*
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*the Australian Royal Security Establishment actually*
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*make it into the story? Well, some of these answers,*
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*and more answers to some of the questions you don't even*
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|
*want to consider asking, will all feature in the next*
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*incredulous episode of the Adventures Of Mr Popsicle.*
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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That's all for this week. More or less next
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week. And last week. And the week before.
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In fact, for lots of previous weeks, why not
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enquire about back-issues?
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | I think I've got it worked out.
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Melbourne, Australia------------| If Robin Williams has a beard in
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| a film, it's a drama... if he's
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TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | clean shaven, it's a comedy!
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
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--
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
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May be copied or reproduced without permission
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provided this notice remains intact.
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--
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Daniel Francis Bowen |
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | "Water is the thingo of life"
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----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----|
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
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