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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
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********************PARTS NINETY-SIX TO ONE HUNDRED*************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Icky Toxic Custard (Just once I hope)
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\___ __ \ __ \ \ \ __ \ _ \ _ toxic custard workshop files
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\ \ \ \ \ \ _ \_ ` \ \ number 96 - 18th april 1992
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\_ \___ \_____ \_ ___ \_____ written by daniel bowen.....
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A lump appeared on my head on Friday evening. Unexpectedly, and I
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suddenly, it burst out of the right side of my forehead. Two theories
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were quickly developed as to the reason for this: s
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(1) My brain was trying to escape h
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(2) I was growing a second head. (This would have been a most o
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inconvenient location for a second head, an offshoot of the u
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first. I would have looked at the world from an angle due to the l
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weight.) d
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Anyway, a couple of hours later it vanished. So the remaining, third
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theory, is the most plausible: p
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(3) It was an alien from the planet Tharg. But it was only visiting. r
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o
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - b
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a
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Meanwhile, at the Pentagon, despite the vicious, inhumane and nasty b
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thawing in Cold War relations, scientists and researchers have l
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continued to invent great new ways of zapping people, animals, y
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buildings and other things in ways that the Russians, Latvians,
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Ukrainians and all the other -ians can only dream about being able to a
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afford. p
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An exciting new development designed to simultaneously occupy o
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America's young has been.. developed. Young acne-ridden Americans have l
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been asked to give up their spare time (which they were probably o
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spending in McDonald's anyway) to make loadsa money being on standby g
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for the US Air Force. In the event of a bombing mission, the young i
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persons are taken up in a bomber, where they lean out of the windows, s
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and all squeeze their spots in unison, dropping millions of droplets of e
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pus onto the unsuspecting, and consequently very sick-feeling and
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embarassed enemy. (Simulated bathroom mirrors are provided in the t
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bomber to aid the bombing personnel.) o
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Other fine and related examples of American ingenuity include the
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vomit bomber, the shit bomber and the computer guided fart. A Pentagon t
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spokesman denied all knowledge of this, and upon being confronted with h
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irrefutable evidence of it claimed that it was really great, because it e
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caused supreme humiliation to the enemies of democracy, peace, justice,
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Coca-Cola, the American way, decency, George Bush, clean language, e
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decent living clean married heterosexuals, Dr Pepper, the stars and n
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stripes, Chrysler, New York style grafitti, bubble gum, and the CIA t
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division of niceness and fun people who hand out free balloons. Not to i
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mention the FBI, NASA, UCLA, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, LAPD, NBA, NFL, and a r
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shitload of other acronymic organisations. And it was really great e
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because, he said, "they use only naturally occuring bodily fluids."
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w
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
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r
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MEDICAL COLUMN (Displayed horizontally due to space restrictions) l
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d
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I think I have a new disease: Brian Adams Song Tune Arrangement Recital
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Disorder. f
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o
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Climb in your shelter darlin'! r
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Don't you know the blast is bright!
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You will never see another daylight! t
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h
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(Short guitar solo accompanied by "Yeah! and Whoo!") e
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They got their missiles flyin' s
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Those countries they have gone beserk e
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Now the whole world is a gonna be nurked c
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o
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C'mon baby - oh yeah c'mon etc yeah baby c'mon etc yeah n
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d
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Got your life to lose
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Just the world and you i
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And don't it feel great that you're gonna die? t
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You'll never see another daylight. e
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m
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .
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Bowen Seminars present a FREE lecture. "Discover and harness your NURK B
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power!" Yes folks, Daniel Bowen has travelled the world (*) imparting u
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the secret of NURK power to the masses. Many of us are born with t
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brains, and all of us that are have hidden, unused NURK power in them.
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Will yours remain dormant, or will you take advantage of it, and let it t
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lead you to success and great heights? h
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- Alexandra the Grate harnessed her NURK power and ruled (some of) e
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the world! (For a little while). n
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- Julian Caesar ruled Rome for lots and lots of years, but little ,
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did he know that Brutus had harnessed his NURK power and bought himself
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a new knife. The phrase "beware the ides of March" has been translated I
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by experts to "beware the power of NURK."
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- Robert Pershing Wadlow learnt about his NURK power at a very k
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early age, and reached great heights, although success eluded him. i
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- Edmund Hillary discovered the secret of his NURK power, and n
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reached some of the greatest heights and success possible when he d
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became the first man to mount Eve Rest. a
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- Randolf Hitler practised and used his NURK power until early
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1943, when the war began to turn against him. l
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- Don F. Kennedy's NURK power got shot to pieces in an early i
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episode of "Dallas". k
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- Ranald Regan went to the Bowen Seminar in 1979 and made use of e
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his NURK power to become Resident of the Untitled Stakes. But then he d
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deserted NURK power and relied on astromoners, and lost his residency.
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i
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Yes, you too can make full use of your limited mental power! Harness t
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your NURK today! .
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.
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.
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(*) Within the Greater Melbourne area only
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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It's been a long day, and a not-quite-so-long
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Toxic Custard. And that's the end of it. And
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now for a blatant plug. Back-issues are STILL
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available (geez, why don't they take them off
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my hands?) For info on how to get your grubby
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little mits on them, reply to this thing, or
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send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | If you think (or not) Rocket Roger should
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Melbourne, Australia | return to the Net, send mail now to the
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | author, at bsmith@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au
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TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | It may be your only chance to read the
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awesome Hero Licence and KFC gags!
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(Aww geez Daniel, did you HAVE to put that
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in your .signature?)
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Toxic Custard... just once
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Toxic Custard Workshop Files#97, 25th May 1992. Written by Daniel Bowen (sorry)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ever noticed that McDonald's are like banks used to be? You never know
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which queue to get into. With a little work, all those jokes that
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applied to banks before they introduced Customer Traffic Control (C.T.C E
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- absolutely no danger to the environment. As far as we know) now apply v
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to McDonald's. e
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Not that the bank's system of shepherding everyone is without r
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fault, mind you. The number of times you see the "ordinary" customers y
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queuing up in the "Customer Enquiries and Overseas Transactions and b
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Other Special Stuff Like That That Everyday Twerps Can't Afford" is o
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amazing. Still, they're usually ignorant old ladies. Or what about the d
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bank robbers completely skipping the "Armed Robbery" queue and going y
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for the tellers.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
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o
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Well, the LA riots are over, and Dan Quayle has found the cause. t
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"Murphy Brown". The US government is moving quickly to condemn Candace e
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Bergen and have the "Murphy Brown" producers completely humanely
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executed in not more than 15 minutes worth of gas-chamber fun. The t
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whole of the USA will then return to complete calm, and police can h
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resume their honest and fun harassment peacefully. "Murphy Brown" will e
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be replaced in the tv schedule with something horrifyingly sickenly s
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sweet and nice. A brand new programme - developed as a consequence of e
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Dan Quayle's suggestions, will premiere next week.
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"Niggers" is a delightful family comedy about a black family in the w
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south. They pick cotton, get beaten regularly, and are slaves to the o
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whitefolk on the plantation, but by golly when they get home of an r
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evening, there's some laughs! And they're all exploited happily ever d
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after. s
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Dan Quayle himself has seen a preview episode, and described it as
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a "realistic, thought provoking picture of America's past", before c
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being notified that it was in fact set in the present. a
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
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e
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Megabogue are to tour again. Megabogue's "Heavily In Debt" tour f
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commences under the Westgate freeway on Thursday 28th of May. Slasher u
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Rists, an occasional spokesbogan for the band said at a press l
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conference to well-protected journalists: "Yes. We is goin' on tour l
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again. 'Cos we still need the dosh." y
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Megabogue's hard-hitting metal sound has been compared to the :
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demolition of a bloody big building by some critics. Others have
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described it as "pure crap. A new sound from the downtrodden F
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non-working class of the inner suburbs. It's complete shit." The band l
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is well known around Melbourne for carving out it's own niche and o
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falling into it, with music that no-one can understand or appreciate. b
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Rists admits this fact, saying that the only regular followers the b
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band has are psychiatric inmates on weekend leave. That's why the band's l
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concerts are never during the week. They do however occasionally play e
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at prisons, as their sound is known to contain rare and imperceptible
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waves that put people to sleep. d
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To coincide with their tour, Megabogue have released a new single i
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through a division of MoccaSIN records, the "Ripoff" label. (So called n
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because people who buy the single really do get a single: there is no B g
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side). The song has been widely acclaimed as a stab at the various
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elements of today's society that the author has a personal grudge d
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against. o
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n
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"SHITS", by S. Rists g
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Sprayin' walls, kickin' kids s
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Walkin' the streets, dodgin' pigs q
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Smashin' windows, stealing vids u
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These are a few of my favourite gigs i
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g
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Stuffing bananas down my pants g
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On street corners, squashing ants l
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Home late, shouting at parents y
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Sprayin' my stuff all over the Gents
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d
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It's the parents, it's the cops o
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It's the wardens, it's the jobs o
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It's the God Squad, it's the wops -
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It's the teachers, it's the lollypops d
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o
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I don't care, they're all gits n
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Ganging up on me, I'm at my wit's.. g
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Every single person, give me the shits
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Every single being, complete fuckwits d
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i
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b
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MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... b
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Candles. Candles can burn in hell for all I care. I don't give a shit l
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for candles. Why use candles in these enlightened days of electricity? e
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Bloody electricity bills, that's why. Imagine the bill the 7-11 must
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burn up - that's why their prices are so high. m
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And then there's gas. Every time the little gas man comes around to o
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check the gas meter, I'm out. And invariably I get back from the shop y
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where I was getting a carton of milk, or I get back from the mailbox, k
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or I get back from a quick pilgrimage to Mecca, or I get back from the e
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toilet, and I find a little card informing me that while I was out, the
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gasman visited. It strikes me that the gas people could save a shitload f
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of money just by getting their gasmen to wait a few extra seconds. Then o
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they wouldn't have to make all those silly cards. n
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And on the subject of idiots at the door, what about those Jehovah's g
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Mormons? I'm getting sick of them. My neighbour's got the right idea. .
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He lights the fire up in his livingroom so they can see the flames. And
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he's put up a sign on the door saying "ENTRANCE TO HELL. ANYONE OF ANY
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DENOMINATION WELCOME. KNOCK SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX TIMES." That
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usually gets rid of them. Only a few have made it past the "EMOCLEW"
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mat. And I haven't seen them again. I wonder what happens to them? I
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also sometimes wonder how he gets such big flames from that fireplace
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of his. S
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The other annoying thing is the little kids coming around at o
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Hallowe'en. Here's what I do: I watch by the window for them coming up
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the garden path, then I get my husband Fred, who is dressed in a t
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special ghastly monster suit that I made him to open the door, h
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surrounded by darkness and scare the little buggers shitless by roaring e
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"TRICK OR TREEEEAT!" They run off so fast, they leave their bags of r
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sweets behind. e
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.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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That woz another of them Toxic Custard Workshop
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Files. The rest of 'em can be got; reply to this
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for details, or send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
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Melbourne, Australia | "601 - Number of the bus!"
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |
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TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | - Lori Bowen
|
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Weakly Toxic Custard
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________ _____ __ __ ______ _____ ____
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__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
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__ __ __ __ __ _____ ______ ____ NUMBER 98 - 1ST JUNE, 1992
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__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ CAREFULLY CRAFTED IN ITS
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__ _____ ______ __ _____ ____ ENTIRETY BY DANIEL BOWEN.
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To those readers confused by the constantly occasional references to
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the Naked Wasp appearing herein: Contrary to popular and completely
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wrong opinion, the Naked Wasp is NOT a student newspaper. The Naked
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Wasp is a cult movement centred around bizarre sexual practices with T
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insects. And anything else the editors tell you is a complete lie. h
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
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A CAT'S DIARY. Woke up. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. r
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Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Ate. e
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Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came a
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in. Ate. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went l
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out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Ate. Went to sleep. l
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
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___
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/ \ b
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/ \ a
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Out of the sky, here he comes.. AMNESIA MAN! A M N E S I A d
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... Faster than a flying thingy! /\_______/\
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... More powerful than a loco-whatsit! / M A N \ t
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... Jumps tall things in a single thing! / \ h
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i
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Look, up on the ladder! Is it a painter? Is it a plumber? No! It's n
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AMNESIA MAN!!!! g
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The city at night. Fraught with danger. Cartoon people duck in and a
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out of darkened alleys, not pausing for a moment lest the readers get b
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bored. A scream, a shout. People run for cover, as a bank robbing o
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escaped convict runs across the street, brandishing a gun and a big bag u
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labelled "Big Bag", and wearing a pair of pyjamas with arrows and t
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numbers painted all over them.
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His name: Tex Sutor. His profession: armed and legged robbery. His t
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problem: he didn't know banks are closed at night. His other problem: h
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well, we won't go into that at the moment. e
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People keep running for cover. It's raining and they don't want to s
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get wet. Tex is running too, escaping the forces of law and order, who e
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as always are elsewhere, which isn't a lot of help, but then, when is
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it ever? s
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But as always, Amnesia Man is ready. He's watching. He's trying to i
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remember where he put his tights. He's trying to find a phonebox d
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without anyone in it. By some kind of fluke, he's there. He's on the e
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spot. He's at the scene. He works in the building across the street w
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from the bank. As a night janitor. And without a word, he's doffed his a
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coveralls and broom, and donned his Super Hero Ironstrength Truss (tm), y
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and all the other bits and erm.. things. He stalls. He curses. He s
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bought the wrong size at the superhero supply shop.
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But Tex Sutor has troubles too. Someone has stolen his stolen m
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getaway car. Bummer. He really liked the owner's taste in fluffy dice, e
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too. And although the radio was stuck on 3MP, the seats reclined. So s
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Tex runs for it. Luckily he has his monthy travelcard on him, and leaps s
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onto (and into) the first bus he sees. a
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But Amnesia Man isn't far behind, and as he fumbles with change for g
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the ticket, A.M. spots Tex in the back seat of the bus, making gestures e
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at the following police cars. Our hero springs down the bus as it moves s
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rapidly from the stop, squashing three grannies going home after Friday
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night shopping for kinky underwear, and stepping on some little brat's i
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head. He leaps towards the back seat, bringing his hand firmly down on s
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Tex's right shoulder.
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"Tex Sutor..." he says loudly. "I.. Erm.. what am I doing on this t
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bus? It doesn't even go past my stop." h
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
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t
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The back yard lit up with a flashing light
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Was it the cops, or UFOs in fli t
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h
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This poem has been scrapped. Why? Because we at TOXIC MEGAPRODUCTIONS e
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PTY LTD are determined to throw up oops, throw out the old, the boring y
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and the not very funny stuff, and come up with new and exciting ways to
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tickle your bones. Funny ones at that. r
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How do we do this? We do this by drivelling on about TOXIC e
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MEGAPRODUCTIONS PTY LTD and by Christ, it works. We only need to a
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mention the well-known phrase "How much would you expect to pay?" once l
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and half of you are pissing yourselves laughing. Or so we think. l
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As the registered authors of Toxic Custard, TOXIC MEGAPRODUCTIONS y
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PTY LTD are utterly sick of spelling out their name in full every
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time someone mentions the name of TOXIC MEGAPRODUCTIONS PTY LTD in this a
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bit. Don't you wish we'd left in the poem? The poor tiny minded little r
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drip who's typing this crap does. In fact, he's so utterly and totally e
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sick of typing all this useless shit, he's just about to
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
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MAFIA FAMILY GO FOR A PICNIC t
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o
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Hey! You kids. Shuddup or you'll go swimming in da lake with a couple t
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of bricks, you know what I mean? So sugar, did you pack da ham a
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sandwiches? What?! You may wind up eatin' dust instead of sandwiches, l
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bitch, you know? Kids, will you for Chrissake be quiet, or do I have to
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get out da violin case... d
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Hey Johnny.. you got dis week's payment? 'Cos you gotta very nice o
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train set, don't you? You wouldn't want it to have a bad crash now, w
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would you? No, course you wouldn't. And Jenny.. how about your payment n
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for dis week? 'Cos Barbie is very beautiful, yeah. And you know, when e
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she's out alone, waiting for Ken to pick her up.. well, you know.. you r
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wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to her, would you? No.. dat's good.. .
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you're learnin' kid, you're learnin'.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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That's all for this week. Toxic Custard will
|
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most likely return next week. Most likely it
|
|
will be just as lame as this week. If you'd
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|
like to read a previous week's, reply to
|
|
this week's, or send mail during the week to
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
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--
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|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Selfism is a religion concentrating
|
|
Melbourne, Australia | on the self - praying for yourself.
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|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | Worshipping yourself. Did you know
|
|
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | 97% of yuppies are Selfists? No. But
|
|
you could guess. Further, many of them
|
|
are illegitimate. Selfist bastards.
|
|
|
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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What ABOUT Toxic Custard?!
|
|
|
|
_______ _____ ____ ____ ____
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|
/ / / / / / / / / TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
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/ / / / / /__ /___/ /___/ Number 99 - 8th June 1992
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/ /____ /__/__/ / ____/ ____/ Written by Daniel Bowen
|
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|
COMPUTER VIRUS NEWS A
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|
The latest strains of computer viruses are getting more and more n
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|
deadly, as the battle against computers rages on. The self-proclaimed d
|
|
Anti-Automation Front have secret research labs all over the world,
|
|
dedicated to planning and implementing viruses designed to wreak havoc n
|
|
on the computing world. Although it's known that this will only affect o
|
|
those in the computing world who make use of pirated software, which w
|
|
has been estimated to be 99.999999999999999999999999999994%. (Note that ,
|
|
this figure is subject to statistical error.)
|
|
The latest news is that the AAF biological experts have come up t
|
|
with a revolution in computer viruses - viruses that physically exist. h
|
|
New germs, bred over the last six months, have been developed that e
|
|
physically live on floppy diskettes, spreading through systems by
|
|
jumping onto drive heads and breeding there, before jumping off again a
|
|
onto other disks. l
|
|
A particularly virulent strain, known as the July the Fifth Haifa p
|
|
King Kong Bastard Virus has been identified as particularly dangerous. h
|
|
After it disables the computer system, it expands and suddenly leaps a
|
|
out of the screen, strangling the user in a violent bloody angonisingly b
|
|
spectacular orgy of screaming death. Nice, eh? e
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|
t
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|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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f
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|
You know the author's reached desperation point when he resorts to o
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|
r
|
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***THE 2ND TOXIC CUSTARD READERS' SURVEY!***
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d
|
|
Your returned answers will be filed and used as fodder for personal y
|
|
vendettas against you in future lives. s
|
|
l
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|
1. What the hell are you reading this crap for? e
|
|
A. My mother forced me to. x
|
|
B. I am a deranged psychopath who gets off on this sort of thing. i
|
|
C. I can't quite remember right now. I think I might have started c
|
|
when the.. umm.. what was the question again? s
|
|
D. Other. (Please specify) .
|
|
|
|
2. Do you really think anyone is going to fall for your pathetic excuse N
|
|
given in question one? o
|
|
A. Probably not, but stuff you, shit-head. !
|
|
B. Absolutely. Whoever compiles these things is obviously as moronic
|
|
as a small lump of green cheese on holiday in Cairns. W
|
|
C. Who cares? I don't. You don't. Nobody does. a
|
|
D. I don't like any of these answers, and I'd like to stuff them i
|
|
all down your throat and make up my own. (Please specify) t
|
|
.
|
|
3. Wouldn't you prefer to be doing something else?
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|
A. Yes, I'd rather be reading something funny. H
|
|
B. Yes, I'd rather be vacuuming the cat. o
|
|
C. Yes, but it's all part of the therapy. w
|
|
D. Yes. Goes without saying, doesn't it?
|
|
E. No. Pathetic, isn't it? Oh, you're asking the questions. Sorry, I a
|
|
forgot. b
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|
o
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|
4. How many questions do you think there are to go? u
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|
A. Three. t
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|
B. Two.
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|
C. Five. t
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|
D. Four hundred and fifty-seven. h
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|
E. None. I'm sick of this and I'm not doing any more. e
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|
|
|
5. Are you one of those radical and excellent dudes who are totally and a
|
|
mindboggingly brilliant and never bother to read the actual content of l
|
|
TCWF but instead just read the sideways message and have consequently p
|
|
failed to spot these questions? h
|
|
A. No. a
|
|
B. No but only because I didn't think of that. b
|
|
e
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|
6. Do you think anybody really cares about any of the answers you are t
|
|
giving?
|
|
A. Probably not, but the thing said to send answers back, so I f
|
|
thought I'd better. Not that I'd let myself be intimidated by a o
|
|
small minded git like that. No, not me. I'm strong. I'm my own r
|
|
man/woman! I have my own free will! Hahahahaha! Stuff you!!
|
|
B. Yes, in order of frighteningness, the author, me, everybody else, s
|
|
the CIA, ASIO, the KGB, Telecom, my boss, and the small worm I l
|
|
stepped on in the garden yesterday. e
|
|
e
|
|
7. How many questions do you think there are to go now? p
|
|
A. Three less than when you last asked. y
|
|
|
|
8. Would you like to skip question nine? p
|
|
A. Yes. e
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|
o
|
|
10. What was your favouritest ever TCWF bit? p
|
|
A. Romeo and the neighbours (19) l
|
|
B. The cat's diary (64) e
|
|
C. God's Own Database (61) ?
|
|
D. All these are crap. In fact, the whole thing is crap, but the bit
|
|
that only made me throw up marginally less than all the other M
|
|
crap is ..... (Note for the survey-inhibited: please specify.) o
|
|
s
|
|
Send all your answers by e-mail to the usual address, which this week t
|
|
happens to be tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, or if you can't be bothered l
|
|
wrestling with your mailer, scrawl them out by hand and send them to: y
|
|
Toxic Custard Limited Offer SuperDuper Win Absolutely Nothing Offer
|
|
And Survey Entry Competition Offer For The Chronically Stupid Z
|
|
PO Box 141 *BUT!!* If you're reading this thing after s
|
|
Southland, VIC 3192 1992, don't bother!! You'll have (almost) ,
|
|
Australia no chance of reaching me here. And it'll be
|
|
too late to answer the survey anyway. m
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
|
|
Well, thank God that's over for another week. t
|
|
Hey, what can I say - I'm under pressure, h
|
|
I've got exams, my brain exploded, I can't i
|
|
think of anything in the remotest but amusing n
|
|
and my cat vomited all over the keyboard. k
|
|
Honest. I'm telling you.. mushy hands. Euch. s
|
|
Anyway, if you'd like to grabyaselfacopy of .
|
|
any old TCWF's, reply to this, or send email
|
|
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
|
|
Melbourne, Australia | I've got an eight-bit computer,
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | and I'm not afraid to use it!
|
|
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Centesimal Toxic Custard
|
|
|
|
|
|
TCWF100 - the Toxic Custard Workshop Files - number one hundred -
|
|
15th June 1992 - written by Daniel Bowen
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
MR POPSICLE AND INSPECTOR UNNECESSARY-VIOLENCE SEARCH FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE
|
|
|
|
The call had come. Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the
|
|
Australian Royal Security Establishment were about to tackle their most
|
|
difficult case yet. It wasn't just the trickiness of the handle, it was the
|
|
uncracked combination on the locks, too. And as for the little wheels on the
|
|
bottom, they were downright diabolical.
|
|
Nevertheless, and neverthemore, (and neverthetwainshallmeet), the call came
|
|
through to the ARSE office. And it called "Hello! How are you today? We want
|
|
you to go on a mission to help save the world. We want you to discover THE
|
|
MEANING OF LIFE. And we don't mean the movie. This is a quest co-ordinated by
|
|
the Earth Summit in Rio. We originally offered it to the CIA, but they said
|
|
they'd rather be being subversively right-wing in Third World countries such as
|
|
Ethiopia, Pakistan, Britain, Australia and Kansas. So, it falls to you, the men
|
|
and wo.. oh. Well, just the men of ARSE, I suppose - to discover, for the whole
|
|
of humanity, the meaning of life. Can you do it?"
|
|
"Well, we'll give it a whiz", replied Popsicle. So they did.
|
|
Popsicle and the Inspector went down, as they always did, to the ARSE
|
|
laboratory, to check with Doc Wedge about the meaning of life, and discovered
|
|
it to be quite a little mystery they had got themselves into.
|
|
The Doctor was conducting research involving small furry little cutesy
|
|
animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and deafening noises. But for the purposes
|
|
of experimentation, he used substitutes, these being small furry little cutesy
|
|
animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and the three able-bodied members of
|
|
Megabogue, whose talking alone was generally enough to be not only damaging to
|
|
the ears, but to the brain as well. But from behind the especially constructed
|
|
completely and utterly soundproof walls, it was only mildly deafening.
|
|
Doc Wedge shouted above the din for a while before giving up and using
|
|
semaphore. He told Popsicle and the Inspector of the great mysteries of life,
|
|
the wonder of creation, and all that stuff, and advised them to sod off so he
|
|
could get on with the experiments before the government inspection team
|
|
arrived.
|
|
They went back to their office, and Popsicle, having been on a deep and
|
|
meaningful fully frontal opalescentally and psychologically valid management
|
|
course, took out a dictionary and a marker pen and worked out the essence of
|
|
their task on the white-board. Which, by the time he had finished three days
|
|
later, read as follows:
|
|
|
|
the inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message
|
|
belonging to
|
|
the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones,
|
|
characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to
|
|
reproduce and respond to stimuli
|
|
|
|
This confused Popsicle somewhat, especially the last bit which had a lot of
|
|
long words. But Inspector Unnecessary-Violence was on the ball. He wasn't
|
|
confused one little bit, which was because he'd gone to the toilet. But when he
|
|
got back, he had a brilliant idea, even if he said so himself, which he did.
|
|
This proclaimed brilliant idea, which was so proclaimed by all of him, was to
|
|
visit the visiting visitor from the very far east (the western half of Wrangel
|
|
Island in fact - you can't get much further east than that). The visiting
|
|
visitor was none other than Doctor Ligneous Demagogue-Ophthalmia, well known
|
|
expert on all things meep and deaningful.
|
|
So, Popsicle, using his karate skills, three bananas, a gun and a loose
|
|
haddock, managed to get an audience with the mysterious and small Doctor
|
|
Demagogue-Ophthalmia (who, for the purposes of saving precious letters in this
|
|
issue of TCWF, will from here on be known as "Doctor D") between two of his
|
|
lectures at some of the widespread communal centres and shopping precincts in
|
|
the city. These had been built in the late sixties by the Hippy Haven Holism
|
|
Corporation, which had proclaimed that it would bring a new experience in,
|
|
like, really good vibes when dudes like get the stuff, you know?
|
|
So, Popsicle and the ever-increasingly sceptical Inspector managed to talk
|
|
to Doctor D in his speeding limousine VW:
|
|
|
|
POPSICLE: Good evening Doctor. I wonder if my colleague and I might have a word
|
|
with you.
|
|
|
|
DOCTOR D: Certainly officer. Though I must warn you, my solicitor is only an
|
|
international phone-call away, and that I have managed to con someone in
|
|
your government into giving me diplomatic immunity.
|
|
|
|
INSPECTOR: Listen weasle, you don't fuckin' get a fuckin' brief until we've
|
|
said so, right? So cough up. Punk.
|
|
|
|
POPSICLE: No no Doctor. We're hoping you might be able to help us.
|
|
|
|
INSPECTOR: So give us the names, Liggy. Otherwise you're goin' down for
|
|
everything. Do yourself a favour. Mick and Jim don't owe you nothin'.
|
|
|
|
DOCTOR D: Really Mr Popsicle. I - driver, accelerate past those hitch-hikers
|
|
will you? Try and get some of that puddle in their faces - Mr Popsicle,
|
|
I'm not sure I can help you.
|
|
|
|
POPSICLE: All we want to know, Doctor, is the meaning of life.
|
|
|
|
INSPECTOR: So give us the meaning now, creep, and we'll put in a good word.
|
|
|
|
DOCTOR D: Oh, well, if that's all it is. I'll tell you. Come closer. And listen
|
|
carefully. For I shall reveal to you that which I have told my many
|
|
followers, who are all so high they haven't got around to telling anyone
|
|
else about it. The meaning of life is sought by many, and but a few have
|
|
the real knowledge- that which I am about to reveal to you. Gentlemen, the
|
|
inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message belonging to
|
|
the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones,
|
|
characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce
|
|
and respond to stimuli is
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
Sorry folks but the 100th serving of Toxic Custard is cut short due to
|
|
unexplained file behavior. At the moment of this writing, I, your Sysop,
|
|
have heard rumors that TCWF is currently still producing this horrible
|
|
substance with issue numbers in the 200s. If you know the whereabouts of any
|
|
Toxic Custard Workshop Files beyond #100, please upload them to your most
|
|
hated Sysop's BBS and be thankful that you no longer have an account there.
|
|
In the meantime, au revoir and good r/i/d/d/a/n/c/e/ night.
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
|
May be copied or reproduced without permission
|
|
provided this notice remains intact.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
|
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|
|
|
|
|