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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
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***********************PARTS EIGHTY-SIX TO NINETY***************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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A Knockout Toxic Custard!
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This, is Major Wine. POPSICLE. Coming soon to TCWF.
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GRANDIOSE TITLES PTY LTD CO. INC PRESENT
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_______ _____ _____ ____ ___
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| / \ / | / \ / TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
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| | \ / |___ \____/ /___ Number 86 - 2nd March 1992
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| | \ /\ / | / \ / \ Written by Daniel Bowen
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| \_____ \/ \/ | \____/ \____/ From somewhere downunder.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
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Mud. Dirt and grime. It's terrible stuff, let's face it. Normally I A
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wouldn't complain too much about anything, as you know, but the mud n
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around here is terrible. My neighbour's back garden isn't so much of a d
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garden, but more of a bog. A veritable cess-pit. They lost their dog a
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while back. I reckon it sank into the garden looking for a bone. It's n
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their own fault; they shouldn't have had that party last month. I saw o
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what went on that night - I used my binoculars from my attic window. w
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Around two in the morning, most of the guests decided to have what
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looked suspiciously like a rain dance, despite their claims to the f
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contrary. Two weeks later it poured with rain, flooding their garden o
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(and most of the others too). Now that can't just be coincidence, can r
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|
it? My solution is to have a concrete garden. Think about it, there's
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no problem with insects eating leaves, you save water and effort t
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looking after it, and you never have to mow it. Of course, it doesn't h
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quite cut it in the photosynthesis department, but then, you're not e
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telling me a tiny little daisy supplies enough oxygen to keep the human
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race alive. d
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e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
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p
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Well, I have to say that in recent months, my bank statement has been
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looking much better. 'Cos now it's on neat tinted paper, and laser- b
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printed, with the bank logo in full hologrammatic colour in the top i
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corner. t
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:
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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After failing to reach agreement for a 10% increase in fish and H
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penalty-rates for night meowing, cats nationwide have decided to strike e
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|
next Thursday. All members of the Federated Cats Union will cease
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meowing for 24 hours and will boycott washing themselves or each other. w
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|
They will refuse to eat tinned catfood, use litter trays, and will not h
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|
make use of catflaps, demanding that owners open the door for them at o
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|
least twenty times an hour. All purring will cease, as will leg-
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|
rubbing. Tails will remain at a maximum of 45 degrees from horizontal, l
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|
and the anti-furniture claw campaign will be stepped-up. A spokescat i
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|
for the Union said that meow. He demanded that meow immediately, and v
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|
added that if Union demands for meow weren't met, then meow. e
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s
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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b
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POPSICLE y
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Part Two - "Christmas in March"
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t
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Inspector Jock Unnecessary-Violence and Mr Popsicle, of the Australian h
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Royal Secret Establishment were bumming around in general at the e
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A.R.S.E offices when the call came through of an emergency. A
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terrifying and dangerous emergency. A downright scary emergency in f
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fact. This was an emergent and urgent emergency. It was the night of i
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the Police Annual March Christmas Booze-up and Bingo Night Celebration s
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Piss-Up Get-Together Party, and the worst possible thing had happened. t
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Someone had stolen the alcohol. So, they jumped into a paddy wagon and
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drove dangerously down to the bottle shop to get some supplies. After s
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requisitioning all the wine and beer they could find and fitting them h
|
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into the van, they went straight to the Town Hall where the party was, a
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with sirens blaring. l
|
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After delivering the supplies, they called in Doctor "Goose" Wedge, l
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the A.R.S.E. scientific adviser, with an expertise in forensics, and an
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unhealthy interest in shower accessories. The alcohol had been stolen g
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from a refrigerated semi-trailer in the driveway in front of the town e
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hall while everyone had been too pissed to notice. It was enough to t
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|
keep a pub running for months, or a police party for several hours.
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Popsicle knew they had to move fast to find the beer, and set up a Town k
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Hall Booze Taskforce - a fancy name for him and the Inspector, n
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basically. o
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By morning Doc Wedge had been over and through and under and around c
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and around and around the semi-trailer thoroughly, and had collapsed k
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nearby in a giggling heap from the fumes. Popsicle and the Inspector e
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|
had got statements from witnesses, some of whom swore blind that the d
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beer barrels had rolled out of the semi-trailer and down the hill, done
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|
a left at the main road and then grown wings and flown off along the u
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road to the tram stop before hitching a ride with a passing pink n
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|
coloured camel to Addis Ababa. c
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|
As for the bottles of wine and spirits, they had mysteriously o
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|
formed into a giant winged television and made a speech about the n
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|
economic situation in relation to little bits of string before s
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|
exploding into colourful bits of seventeenth century brickwork. c
|
|
Popsicle guessed, quite correctly as it happens, that this was a i
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|
load of crap, and decided to rely totally on guess work, a tactic that o
|
|
almost always fails. But fortunately, he'd come to an agreement with u
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the author that it would work in (or perhaps on) this case, leaving s
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Popsicle the triumphant crime-fighter and leaving the author with
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absolutely no broken bones and no keen interest in footwear made of b
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|
concrete that inhabited the bottom of the Yarra river. y
|
|
Popsicle guessed, quite correctly as it happens, that the grog had
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been stolen by notorious Mafia crime boss Alfredo Cappucino, who had t
|
|
been known to be involved in prostitution, smuggling, gambling, h
|
|
politics, promotion of Bryan Adams and other criminal activities. e
|
|
Doc Wedge had recovered evidence from the crime scene, which
|
|
included the semi-trailer, now missing its tyres (bad neighbourhood, f
|
|
that), a hundred and seventy-three hungover policemen, a small pair of i
|
|
pliers, a clothes peg spring, a piece of wood and the latest issue of s
|
|
Cosmopolitan (oh, that may have belonged to Doc Wedge actually). t
|
|
Popsicle and the Inspector could make absolutely no sense of this .
|
|
whatsoever, and decided to make up the evidence as they went along, and
|
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to frame Cappucino, which was quite obviously easier and considerably
|
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more fun. R
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i
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|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
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|
Popsicle and the whole rest of the Toxic h
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|
Custard Workshop Files team will be back t
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|
next week. Until then, may your booze be
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good booze, and good morning. J
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
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-- f
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | TIP FOR CROSSING THE ROAD: f
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Melbourne Australia | Always cross at the ?
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | traffic lights - it delays
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TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | more car drivers.
|
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Airborne Toxic Custard
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toxic custard workshop files number 87, 9th march 1992, written by daniel bowen
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
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Shopping. I went shopping the other day, down to the shopping centre. W
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|
But I had read in the newspaper that consumer confidence is low, so I e
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|
didn't buy anything. Spent lots of time looking and poking around in l
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the various shops though. There is a certain art to driving shop c
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|
assistants mad. I once took a short course in it at the adult education o
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|
place. The key is to look interested and able to buy something. Keep m
|
|
the assistant interested, but you always have to find something at e
|
|
fault - the colour, the size, whatever.
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|
Anyway, after the fourth shop assistant, I got a bit bored with t
|
|
that, so I looked for survey people to annoy. It depends on the o
|
|
questions they want to ask you of course, but the key is to make lots
|
|
of mistakes so they make a terrible mess on the sheet and eventually y
|
|
give up and have to do the whole thing again. e
|
|
But there weren't any surveys being done that day, so I went t
|
|
through Target and Big W a few dozen times, just to bug the shop
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security person who hangs around at the doorway checking shopping bags. A
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|
Not that I want to steal things mind you, I just want to get back at N
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|
them for the time the Target bitch delayed me when I was running for a O
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bus. T
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|
There's one other bit of fun of course, but it's better at railway H
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|
stations. The art of standing on the escalators with your shopping so E
|
|
as to block completely anyone who wants to get past you. R
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|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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|
s
|
|
Toxic Custard has obtained exclusive rights to publish the lyrics of i
|
|
Megabogue's re-released classic, "I've Got A Big Dick, Baby". It was l
|
|
written in a drunken stupor, as many of the band's songs are, on a l
|
|
toilet roll by Slasher Rists during what music critics have described y
|
|
as the band's lavatorial period. This classic song tells of a young man
|
|
deeply depressed and troubled about the social problems surrounding s
|
|
him, and is literally packed with obscure political and social i
|
|
references. d
|
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e
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|
MEGABOGUE - "I'VE GOT A BIG DICK, BABY" by Slasher Rists w
|
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a
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I'm standin' in the shadows, y
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I'm steppin' on some ants s
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|
There's lots of light behind me
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And a huge bulge in my pants s
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c
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Lookin' cool on the street r
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Is the way I work a
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I just try and remember w
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Not to look like a twerp l
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.
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Yes, I've got a big dick baby!
|
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It's more than eight feet long! I
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And if you think I'm talkin' bullshit '
|
|
Then you're really totally wrong. d
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
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l
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THE WORLD AT NOON - With John Lombard. Authoritative, decisive, i
|
|
informative. Okay, so he lisps and he looks like a gnome, but he *is* k
|
|
authoritative, decisive and informative. e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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t
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POPSICLE o
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Part 3 - "A Dog's Life"
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q
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The Town Hall Booze Taskforce are looking into the robbery of large u
|
|
amounts of very cheap wine that had been destined to be drunk at the i
|
|
annual police Christmas party. After investigating the wild claims from c
|
|
the somewhat completely and utterly intoxicated eyewitnesses and k
|
|
dismissing them (after some consultation concerning the facts of the l
|
|
world), the Taskforce decided to target infamous one-eyed scarred-face y
|
|
limping broken-nail balding grazed-kneed crime-boss Alfredo Cappucino.
|
|
After a short period under the influence of large amounts of alcohol d
|
|
and large amounts of nicotine (ie. in the pub), the Taskforce chief, Mr i
|
|
Popsicle, of the Australian Royal Security Establishment, decided that s
|
|
it was Inspector's round. And decided to call in Les. c
|
|
Les, an A.R.S.E undercover agent, had got secret information about u
|
|
Cappucino's secret warehouse secretly located somewhere secret where s
|
|
secret activities were secretly planned and done secretly. All of this s
|
|
was common knowledge to the author, of course, who was making up the
|
|
plot as he went along. Anyway, Les had infiltrated Cappucino's select c
|
|
group of well-known underworld figures. They were so well known that e
|
|
two of them had made it into the Weekly Top Ten Australian Fictional n
|
|
Underworld MegaCrook Gangster Chart Count Down more than seven times in s
|
|
the past year. Les had got into the group by driving a Monaro with o
|
|
fluffy dice, speaking with a Greek accent and wearing a wig. He was r
|
|
pretending to be a Mongolian of Burmese/Hawaiian descent, but s
|
|
fortunately the naughty people were cliched thickheaded gangster types h
|
|
with speech impediments that made them sound gangsterish when they i
|
|
spoke, and they didn't realise this, and he became a trusted member of p
|
|
the gang. ,
|
|
So Les eventually came back with the information, and the Taskforce
|
|
decided to raid the warehouse, arrest lots of people, wave guns around b
|
|
and generally smash up the place. Inspector Unnecessary-Violence u
|
|
planned to raid Cappucino by knocking down the front door and bursting t
|
|
through with 20 men armed with shotguns all screaming "Police! Get your
|
|
fuckin' hands up above your fuckin' head or we'll fuckin' blow it off!" I
|
|
Popsicle thought this was nowhere near subtle enough, and decided '
|
|
to slam through the wall in his car, stick a revolver in Cappucino's m
|
|
face and say coolly "You're under arrest, punk."
|
|
Surprisingly, common sense prevailed and the only injuries in the n
|
|
raid were a passing kid on a bike and a small poodle squashed flat on o
|
|
the way back to headquarters. Doctor "Goose" Wedge was called in to t
|
|
painstakingly go over the warehouse with his little brushes and gaze at
|
|
things and generally get down on his hands and knees. Meanwhile, a
|
|
Popsicle and the Taskforce questioned the men they had taken from the l
|
|
warehouse. l
|
|
Meanwhile, after four hours of patient searching, Doc Wedge finally o
|
|
found the button that had come out of his shirt when he'd arrived. w
|
|
As Popsicle and the Inspector and the rest of the team considered e
|
|
their situation, one thing came apparent to them: they were going to d
|
|
have to wait until the author figured out more of the plot before they
|
|
could continue. t
|
|
o
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
|
|
That's all this week from the Toxic Custard Workshop
|
|
Files. Please note that next week's edition may be
|
|
delayed - my account expires this week and I'm
|
|
working on getting a new one.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | SAD FACTS OF LIFE
|
|
Melbourne Australia | 93% of bus drivers listen
|
|
dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu | to easy-listening radio
|
|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | stations.
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Day Old Toxic Custard
|
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|
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[AM I ON? OH, GOOD]
|
|
|
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....... ....... T C W F N S o M 1 W b D B (c) 1992
|
|
. . . . O U O I u i f a 9 r y a o Awful
|
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....... ....... X S R L m x r 9 i n w <--Experimental
|
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. . . . I T K E b t c 2 t i e Titles
|
|
....... ....... C ARD SHOP S er88 eenth h . ten el n Ltd.
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|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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|
|
The British Daily Telegraph says the CIA has been flooding Iraq with
|
|
forged currency in an effort to destabilise the Iraqi economy. TCWF
|
|
sources spoke with the CIA, who have denied it completely. They say G
|
|
it's purely to make money. o
|
|
o
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d
|
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|
HOW AUSTRALIA BEGAN-- e
|
|
v
|
|
45 MILLION YEARS AGO e
|
|
Australia separated from Asia and America. Australia kept the kids and n
|
|
the house, America took the car and sped off down the freeway i
|
|
somewhere, and Asia held onto the bank investments. n
|
|
g
|
|
TWO MILLION YEARS AGO ,
|
|
The last ice age began. There'll be another one along any day now.
|
|
o
|
|
40,000 YEARS AGO r
|
|
Evidence suggests that towards the end of the Late Plasticene period
|
|
the first group of fictional Plasticene characters crossed from n
|
|
South-East Asia to Australia. They were destined to run on o
|
|
dialogue-less tv programmes for millions of years. t
|
|
,
|
|
12,000 YEARS AGO
|
|
With the rising of the seas, Tasmania separated from the mainland and a
|
|
went off on its own, stealing a car and joyriding until crashing into a s
|
|
power-pole.
|
|
t
|
|
8,000 YEARS AGO h
|
|
Australia splits with New Guinea after industrial action to oppose the e
|
|
redundancy of Old Guinea. Old Guinea took up compulsory retirement and
|
|
received a large superannuation payout. c
|
|
a
|
|
1606 s
|
|
Dutch navigator Willem Jansz became the first European known to have e
|
|
made a landing on the Australian coast, in an experimental moon-landing
|
|
vehicle fired from a rocket which was just a tad off course. Obviously m
|
|
he hadn't developed the technology to work out where the hell he was a
|
|
going. y
|
|
|
|
1616 b
|
|
Dutch sea captain Dirk Warthog, came ashore on an island near the e
|
|
entrance to Shark Bay, so called because upon meeting local Aborigines .
|
|
there, they played cards with him and easily won the ship.
|
|
D
|
|
1642 o
|
|
Dutch explorer Abel Tasman sailed around the western and eastern coasts n
|
|
of Tasmania, skipping the north coast completely, and only discovering '
|
|
at the last moment that there was no south coast to sail around. He t
|
|
then named it Van Diemen's Land after the then Governor-General of the
|
|
Dutch East Indies (who is not still Governor-General due to a nasty w
|
|
bout of death) as a method of sucking up to his superiors. o
|
|
r
|
|
1688 r
|
|
William Dampier, English buccaneer spent three months near King Sound, y
|
|
Western Australia on a package deal with his travel agent. He was sent
|
|
in 1699 to explore other, more private parts of Australia. He t
|
|
considered the region unfit for human habitation. He was right. o
|
|
o
|
|
1770
|
|
20th April - Captain James Cook in the HMS Endeavour spots Australia m
|
|
and manages to get into the history books of Australian schoolchildren u
|
|
for years afterwards as the bloke what discovered Oz. And he got his c
|
|
own mini-series. In August he proclaimed the whole of Eastern Australia h
|
|
(99.99% of which he hadn't seen) a British possession, naming it New
|
|
South Wales, apparently after old South Wales, which was nothing like a
|
|
it. b
|
|
o
|
|
1786 u
|
|
The British government decided to make Botany Bay a penal colony. t
|
|
Several hundred members of the Sadists' Association of Deviants In
|
|
Society Trust volunteered to go along as soldiers, to fight for British m
|
|
supremacy, maintain justice and discipline amongst the prisoners, but e
|
|
mostly for the fun of it. ;
|
|
|
|
1787 I
|
|
The First Fleet sailed from Portsmouth, carrying 756 convicts, about '
|
|
450 crew and military personnel, 28 wives, 30 children, 382 rats, 2 m
|
|
cats, 4 birds, 327 snails, 4727 tonnes of lard, and 482,394,273 lice.
|
|
j
|
|
1788 u
|
|
18th January - Captain Arthur Phillip dented another ship making a s
|
|
really MEAN turn into Botany Bay. They exchanged insurance details and t
|
|
sailed on.
|
|
26th January - Phillip hoisted the British flag at Sydney Cove, taking a
|
|
possession of New South Wales, not particularly impressing the more
|
|
than 250,000 Aborigines living in Australia at the time. But the l
|
|
British had guns, so they weren't too much of a problem. There might i
|
|
have been problems about running out of ammunition though. Phillip t
|
|
hoisted another, less significant flag on the 24th of March, signifying t
|
|
that he was a completely brilliant man, and he was really super-dooper l
|
|
and loads of other stuff and that basically he was the bestest man in e
|
|
the universe.
|
|
o
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ d
|
|
This was the late-running Toxic Custard#88 d
|
|
to the world stopping all systems. Popsicle
|
|
was away this week, but will return next t
|
|
week. That's what happens when I don't get o
|
|
around to watching the tape of last d
|
|
Thursday's "Phoenix". Not that that has any a
|
|
relevance to Popsicle, of course. Anyway... y
|
|
Back-issues are STILL available to all .
|
|
plebs. Reply to this, or send mail now to
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. P
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
|
|
-- n
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | g
|
|
Melbourne Australia | 94% of all signature quotes .
|
|
dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu | are useless.
|
|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
A Bucket of Toxic Custard
|
|
|
|
_______ ____ ____ ____ ____
|
|
/ / / / / / / / / TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES #89
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/ / / / /___ /___/ /___/ Monday 23rd March 1992
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/ / / / / / / / / Written by Daniel Bowen
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/----/___--/__/__/-/------/___/--___/--------------daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au
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Screams of terror. People all around shout for mercy. No question, you
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must be at an amusement park. I'm convinced that most of those rides
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were originally designed in the middle ages as terrible and horrific M
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forms of medieval torture. Turn those accused of witchcraft upside-down e
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and spin them round and round at high speed and they'll soon confess. a
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Surely you need to worry when a ride at Luna Park features a notice n
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that those with heart-conditions are not recommended to use it. And w
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that you have to keep your back straight during the ride otherwise you h
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might end up being injured. What next, "Do not enter this machine if i
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you do not have health insurance"? "A will is required for this ride"? l
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I went on the rollercoaster, of course. The Scenic Railway is e
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incredible. Mind you, I didn't see much of the scenery after the first ,
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dip. I was concentrating on staying alive. Dip isn't quite the right
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word for it actually. I think perhaps plummet would be more accurate. s
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The mild plummets weren't too bad, but the higher ones were more o
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terrifying. It just can't be natural to plummet downwards at that speed m
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and angle. I certainly don't think my stomach liked it very much. The e
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body has a number of mechanisms for warning the brain that it is in w
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danger. Perhaps throwing up during a plummet is one of them. Actually I h
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didn't throw up, but those around me say they distinctly heard various e
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gurgling noises in between the screams. But I wasn't entirely terrified r
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the whole time. I have to say that I did manage to keep my eyes open on e
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one of the plummets.
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Next to the entrance to the Scenic Railway is a rather more mild i
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ride for the little kids. It's four giant metal insects that move in a n
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roughly circular track at three miles an hour. Between that and the
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Scenic Railway are two other miniature "railway" rides of varying t
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degrees of terror. I pity the kids on the insects. In just a few years h
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they'll be plummeting too. e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d
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e
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WHO KILLED JFK? e
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p
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The Warren Commission Files (TWCF) are about to be opened! Naturally we e
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decided to get them to you first. So, Toxic Custard's daredevil s
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reporter decided to jump the gun and sneak in and steal them, just for t
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the heck of it. So, here, exclusive to TCWF, are some small snippets
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from the files: d
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e
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- Infamous French assassin Jean leBomb was having a picnic with his p
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family on the grassy knoll. His family was discovered to include t
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several CIA agents, a number of French underworld figures, and h
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Genevieve LeBomb, 5 year-old daughter of JlB, often named as the little s
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girl behind the death of Marilyn Monroe. JlB always claimed he was
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buying an icecream from an undercover CIA icecream seller when the o
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shots were fired at JFK. f
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- There was important and often (in fact, always) ignored evidence that t
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the President's head was not hit by a bullet - it simply exploded. JFK h
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was known to have complained to aides shortly before that he had a e
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headache. Mrs JFK (JBK) was heard screaming as the car sped off, "If
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only you'd have taken an aspirin!" w
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o
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- Hollywood producers Chuck Morton and Ralph Bookcase were filming a r
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prototype short film in a nearby building. It starred one Lee Harvey l
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Oswald (LHO) and was an early version of what we now know as Rambo d
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films. LHO played John Wanko, tough, weedy, butch and bulletproof. The ,
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film was never found and developed, let alone released.
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p
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
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o
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POPSICLE p
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Part Four - "Old Rules, New Game" l
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e
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Popsicle and the Town Hall Booze theft Taskforce had to release crime-
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boss Alfredo Cappucino for lack of evidence. This angered Inspector w
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Jock Brendan Uneccesary-Violence, who shouted that it had never stopped e
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them from bringing charges before. r
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While undercover agent Les went for a haircut, Popsicle decided on e
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his next move. It would take careful consideration, but would probably
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be his Queen, which could be in danger, or perhaps he'd block with a c
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pawn. Meanwhile Jock was in as foul a mood as usual, and decided to o
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take the initiative and track down an old informant, a so-called m
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"Safeway Cracker", a man who could shoplift a packet of Smarties from p
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Safeway and get away with it every time. He was pretty good at Snickers l
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bars, too. He was nicknamed Tiny by his girlfriend, and the nickname a
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had stuck. So had the Snickers bars, on occasions. i
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Tradition dictates that informants are usually found in pubs, and n
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this story was no exception. The Chicken and Bucket was a pretty nasty i
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place in the daytime, let alone at night, when all sorts of vermin n
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crawled out of the woodwork to feast on the rotting left-overs. The pub g
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management didn't mind too much though - they might be disgusting scum
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and vermin, but patrons were patrons, drinks were drinks, sales were a
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sales, and money was money, except on those occasions when b
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counterfeiter "Filthy" Lou Kerr was in town. o
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Jock decided to take Doctor "Goose" Wedge along to meet Tiny. Goose u
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had expertly narrowed down the exact details of the alcohol stolen from t
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the Town Hall, and Jock suspected that Tiny might be able to indicate
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where some of it might be found. Tiny had brought a small sample of the t
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alcohol with him, and surreptiously left it on the table for Goose, who h
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then promptly disappeared with it to allow Jock and Tiny to complete a e
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long, dramatic, and atmospherically lit discussion on the subject of
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railway timetables. a
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Goose positively identified the alcohol being from the stolen s
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casks. There was no doubt - a vital clue had been found. Problem was, p
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Tiny didn't know where it had come from, or wouldn't say. i
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r
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
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YOU, and only YOU, have been reading Toxic n
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Custard number 89. And it serves YOU right.
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YOU have no-one to blame but YOURself. So j
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there. YOU really ought to reply to this o
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mail, and get details of TCWF back-issues k
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available. Or of course YOU can send mail e
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to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu .
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | You are probably
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Melbourne Australia | now engaged in the
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | ancient Martial Art
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TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | of Tai Ping.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Everybody's Wearing Toxic Custard
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\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\ /\ /\ /\/\/\/ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES\/\/\/\/\/\/
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\/ /\ \/ \/ \/ Number 90 - 30th March 1992\/\/\/\/\/\/\
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/\ \/ /\ \/ /\ /\/\/ Written by Daniel Bowen/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
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\/ /\ \/ /\ \/ \/ daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au/\/\/\/\/\/\
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- -/\- - - /\/\/\- -\/\/\/- -/\ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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FASHION
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Some bright spark has come up with boxer shorts featuring a velcro fly.
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Well, you wouldn't want to get anything caught in it, would you?
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The newest thing with cheap clothing is to have a label proclaiming A
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that this garment has been exclusively designed in Italy (before being f
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manufactured in China, usually). This probably means the company paid t
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for Mr Wu from Shanghai to sit in Rome for half an hour to sketch a few e
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designs on the sketchpad, before flying back to Peking. r
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And of course, there's t-shirt designs. The people who write the
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slogans for t-shirts must be out of their minds. Almost as much as us m
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lunatics who go out and buy t-shirts that boast "100% Authentic u
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Trademark", "Built For Fit", "Made To Last", "Classic Design" and all c
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that. Classic design? Yes folks, this t-shirt design was first sketched h
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by Leonardo Da Vinci in between inventing helicopters, painting
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grinning women, and disemboweling horses. It's been the number one c
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selling t-shirt for the "in" crowd since 1637. As worn by Mozart! Marie o
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Antoinette wore one at the Guillotine! When Napoleon took one of these n
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off and threw it over a chair before he screwed around with Josephine! s
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Get yours today! u
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - l
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t
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Peter Couchman has been getting more adventurous on his discussion and a
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argument show. A few weeks ago we saw "Couchman goes to jail". Last t
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week, "Couchman on drugs". Couchman seems to be picking up some very i
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bad habits. Just as well he's on late at night so the kids don't see o
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it. What'll he be up to next, "Couchman on a loose woman"? "Couchman n
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vandalises railway stations"? "Couchman goes mugging"? Perhaps ,
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"Couchman forgets to buy a condom and gets HIV?"
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c
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COUCHMAN SHOOTS UP o
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n
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COUCHMAN: Well, now I'd like to look at the differing views of the s
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drugs problem in our society. First to you, Bruce Badger. u
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You're a loudmouthed senior citizen who knows nothing about m
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the topic but who bullied your way into the studio. What do p
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you think? t
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i
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BRUCE: These druggies should all be rounded up and locked up in little o
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rooms with no food or drink or needles until they either get n
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better or die from starvation! ,
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COUCHMAN: Good. And what would you say to that.. erm.. Ralph Monson? c
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You're a former drug user and now a social service worker o
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with a degree in socially and psychologically valid arts. n
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s
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RALPH: Well, I think it's so important to express our inner feelings u
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when confronting an issue of this magnitute, and not to oppress m
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our self-esteems in any way when doing so, in order to fully a
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appreciate and respect each and everyone's mind, body and soul. t
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But Mr Badger, and I think I may be being too forward if I i
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attempt to refer to you by your primary epitaph, "Bruce", but Mr o
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Badger, don't you feel as I do that your reasoning and hence n
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proposal for dealing with this problem is a little on the, shall ,
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we say, extreme side?
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c
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BRUCE: Absolutely not. These druggies should all be put up against a o
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wall and shot! m
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m
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COUCHMAN: Quite. Well, I think that the drug users themselves might be i
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able to voice their opinions here... what about you, Jenny s
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Keilor? e
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r
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JENNY: Has... has, like, anybody got a joint? a
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t
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BRUCE: They should all be beheaded! i
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o
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RALPH: Sorry to respond negatively Jenny, but I don't, I freaked out n
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totally when I saw the heavy security concious fascist mode
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uniformed bloke at the door, and I threw all my stash into the a
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gutter. And Mr Badger, I don't feel that your appraisal of the n
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situation is aiding the maintenance of harmony at this stage. d
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COUCHMAN: Just at this point, I would like to delve further in one c
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particular direction for a moment. What in fact is the going o
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price for heroin these days? Is anyone in the audience in a n
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position to tell us this? f
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u
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MAN: Yeah, here you go. Is this enough? That'll be $600. s
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i
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BRUCE: They should be hung, chopped into little bits, run over with a o
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steam roller and fed to the dolphins at Melbourne Zoo. It's the n
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only humane thing to do! ,
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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I
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STUCK IN TRAFFIC '
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v
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C'mon... *HONK* Get out the way! *HONK* I've been stuck here for ten e
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minutes now.. *HONK* Listen, if I wanted to be stuck in a bunch of cars
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standing still, I would have gone to a carpark. *HONK* It's not as if d
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the view is particularly inspiring.. *HONK* On one side there's a e
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concrete wall, and on the other side is a rail line with trains c
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whizzing by, and it's really really pissing me off quite badly! *HONK* i
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Okay, okay, gotta calm down.. take it slowly.. slow.. relax.. slow.. d
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time.. time.. time 8:56.. due at work.. work at 9:00.. slow.. boss will e
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castrate me.. castrate me then throw me out the window to let the d
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seagulls eat me.. relax. *HONK* Okay, now I'm getting severely into a
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severely severe mood! *HONK* *HONK* My heartrate is rising *HONK* t
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*HONK* This is getting severely stressful *HONK* I'm warnin' you.. h
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*HONK* If I have to keep sounding this horn, my head's gonna fuckin' i
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explode! s
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
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Well, that's about enough Toxic Custard for e
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this week. I fully suspect that Popsicle will n
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return next week. Meanwhile, back-issues are t
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still available. Please ask about them, you e
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bastards! Reply to this, or send mail to n
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu c
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
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--
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved. i
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(Okay, so I forgot that bit last week.) s
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | I saw Jesus on Friday night c
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Melbourne Australia | at Flinders Street Railway r
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | Station. He was making a a
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TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | phone call. I wonder who to? p
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.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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--
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
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May be copied or reproduced without permission
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provided this notice remains intact.
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--
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Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
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----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
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