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____________________________________________________________________________
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****************************THE BACK ISSUES*********************************
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***********************PARTS SIXTY-SIX TO SEVENTY***************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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______________________________________________________________________________
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One Hell of a Toxic Custard
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/ / # ####### ###### # TOXIC Number 66
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/__ /__ ##### # # # # # CUSTARD 14th October 1991
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/ 6 \ / 6 \ # # # # # # WORKSHOP by Daniel Bowen
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-\___/-\___/--######-#-----#-######-#######--FILES-----------------------
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W
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There have been allegations recently that Toxic Custard has e
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contained concealed subliminal messages relating to devil- l
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worhsip, unnatural acts with animals, unnatural acts with l
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RSPCA inspectors, clues as to the whereabouts of other ,
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subliminal messages, unnatural acts with the author and how the
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author wishes everyone would send him lots of money. All but i
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the last two have been strenuously denied. An investigation of all t
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the allegations made has concluded that in fact the allegations were
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made by the author himself in search of a laugh. An investigation c
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of the author has revealed that he is suffering from a common o
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condition known as assignment fatigue. An investigation into u
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assignment fatigue has revealed that it doesn't exist, but if l
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it did, it would be the result of university students having to do d
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work when they don't feel like it. This of course makes it very
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rare. An investigation into investigations was abandoned because it b
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was "too damn silly" by investigative investigator Mr Nick Natas. e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
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o
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Do you suffer HAIR LOSS? r
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What about SPLIT ENDS? s
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Ever considered BALDNESS? e
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Baldness is now a simple option, with our revolutionary new ;
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HAIRSUCTION. How does HAIRSUCTION work, you ask? Do you really want to
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know? Well, basically, first the patient signs the indemnity form, then t
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steps inside the HAIRSUCTION machine. The HAIRSUCTION machine has been h
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especially developed by Dangerous Electronics Pty Ltd. A large vacuum i
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tube is attached to the patient's head, then the HAIRSUCTION console s
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operator stabs randomly at the buttons until the machine starts, then
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runs for cover. If all goes well, as it may well do, within ten c
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minutes, the patient will emerge from the machine, completely bald. o
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A former patient, who preferred to remain anonymous, though we'll u
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call him Louis (well, why not?), spoke us from his hospital bed for a l
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large amount of money. "Yes, Hairsuction is marvellous. I only wanted d
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three inches off my hair, but they CRAMMED my head into the Hairsuction
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machine and turned it on. When I woke up here, I was bald. It's slashed b
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my shampoo bills." e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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n
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COT313 COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY 5------------------------------------------ u
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m
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Contact: Half a lecture, ten minutes of answering questions and an hour b
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of boring student presentations per week. e
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Prerequisite: Understanding of broken English for lectures. r
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Syllabus: Data communications concepts and facilities: trying to
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understand lecturer and keep up with notes; Data communications 6
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codes and hardware; Packet-switched something-or-others; Local area 6
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thingies; ISO, ANSI, OSI, RSI and other acronyms containing the 6
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letters I and S. .
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References: A pile of 4 books costing $40 each, weighing 3 tons between
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them, which you'll never actually need in tutes. B
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u
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LEC301 INSULTING LECTURERS 1 - CLOTHING PART 1------------------------ t
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Contact: Three lectures per week. t
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Prerequisite: Sense of fashion, shame, LEC304 (Entering lectures late). h
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Syllabus: Skivvies, cords, flares, daggy shirts, hairy jumpers, a
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introductory anonymous insults. t
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LIB203 QUEUEING UP FOR PHOTOCOPIERS----------------------------------- w
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o
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Contact: Three hours queueing per week. n
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Prerequisite: Patience '
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Syllabus: Working the change machine; finding the end of the queue; t
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filling in time in the queue; queue jumping.
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Reference: Long books for filling in time. b
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e
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PUB273 BEGINNERS' PUB BRAWLING----------------------------------------
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f
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Contact: Two hour lecture plus two hour drunken rampage per week. o
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Prerequisite: Alcoholism (recommended) r
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Syllabus: Finding a good pub; getting on the piss; getting pissed;
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getting pissed off; finding a pissoir; giving up and pissing over a
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the bar; pissing off the barman; picking a fight; pissing off home b
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before the cops arrive. o
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References: Carlton United Breweries catalogue 1991. u
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t
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SFT311 SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT 5-----------------------------------------
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e
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Contact: Half a lecture in a monotone voice and a lab session on the l
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nice shiny new X-terminals in E block if you're lucky. e
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Prerequisite: SFT211, SFT212, ability to withstand fatal levels of v
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boredom. e
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Syllabus: 4th generation languages; why they're so bloody incredible; n
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fiddling with X-windows; waiting for tutors; finding which lab
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you're in this week; conning assignment answers out of tutors; y
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getting that potato chip out of the keyboard. e
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References: Lecture notes available in the bookshop, meaning you can a
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skip the lectures! r
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s
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SYS216 INFORMATION SYSTEMS 4------------------------------------------ .
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Contact: Two one hour lectures (if they don't clash with your other T
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subjects) and a two hour tutorial (hopefully not with RK!) h
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Prerequisite: SYS215 (twice if you failed it last year), SFT112, COT114. a
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Syllabus: Software ergonomics; falling asleep in lectures; arranging n
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yourselves into groups in tutes; cutting up bits of paper and k
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drawing little diagrams in the name of user-friendliness;
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explaining to your mates why you were the only one to get a g
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distinction in that last test. o
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References: Page-Jones, M., The Practical Guide To Books You'll Never o
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Read, Yourdough Press, 1988. d
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n
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e
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
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Cashthread Airlines announce the arrival of Toxic Flight 66 s
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from somewhere or other. Back-issues are now available; for .
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details reply to this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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--
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | ToxiCustardWorkshopFiles tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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Melbourne, Australia-------------|--------------------------------------------.
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edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au | /\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\ |
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edb134t@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | /\/ \_/ \__POMMY__/ \_/ \/\ C O M I N G |
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| \/\_/ \__/megabogue\__/ \_/\/ S O O N |
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`-/\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\-----MoccaSIN-'
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Blood Spattered Toxic Custard
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Welcome once again to 110 lines of forgettable attempted humour written
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by a mentally unsound twit who remembers the light codes on the front
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of trains and who is one of only twenty-seven people in the universe
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with no intention of seeing "Terminator 2". It has an attempted ASCII
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graphics title up the top, and a plug for back-issues bordered by
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tildes with a probably useless copyright message and the winning entry
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of the 1991 Boring Signature Award down the bottom, and of course a
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message that no-one reads down the side. This edition of TCWF will
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reach a record 0.000004166% of the world's population.
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# ### ### ############# TOXIC TCWF 67 - 21/9/91.
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# # ### ### U Written by Daniel
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#### ### # # #### ### #### ### FILES Bowen with a twisted
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# # # # # #### ### ### T mind. Special thanks
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# # # # # # ### ### ### A to Lori Boren.
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### ### # # # ####### ### WORKSHOP --------------------
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D
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SURGICAL PROCEDURE
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First they anaesthetise the patient. Hopefully they give him enough, or I
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he can feel the incision. Then they take this big saw and there's lots
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of tearing and wrenching and off comes the arm. And all the little d
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blood vessels are sticking out of the stump; with screams and bones. But o
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then the patient wakes up from all the noise, so the anaesthestist takes
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out this big mallet.. WHACK! The patient is back out. The surgeon s
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carefully makes an incision in the patient's abdomen, but then slips o
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with the saw and chops off his own leg. m
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"Oh, damn!" he says. Down goes the surgeon, on the floor, onto a e
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pile of spare parts.. a pile of livers and colons. Then he tries to get t
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up on his one leg, but his boot slips on the floor, which is drenched i
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with blood. The saw is still going. It goes through a leg of the m
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operating table and the patient goes sliding off into the pile.. e
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*squoosh*..and all the aparatus connected to him falls over on top. s
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Organs start falling out of the incision in his stomach, squelching
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on the floor. One of the other surgeons has fallen onto a scalpel. Oh w
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dear, it's gone up his nose. Instant hooterectomy. The first surgeon's o
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leg and boot skids across the floor, out the door, and down the n
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corridor towards the hospital lobby. And all since public hospital d
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cut-backs. e
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r
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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i
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*Popsicle* was getting pretty bloody fed up with things by now. They f
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just didn't taste right when they weren't cooked in the microwave.
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Still, he did try and promote his tough-guy image, part of which was a
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that he could survive without the essentials of life, because they n
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weren't really essentials at all. Essentially non-essential. *Popsicle* y
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looked around, wondering where the plot had got to. This boring o
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self-indulgent stuff could go on for paragraphs, but was no good if n
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nothing happened. Which it wasn't. e
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He made his way back to the Australian Royal Security Establishment
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headquarters, to meet Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, who was sure to e
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get a laugh. He found him beating up suspects in the detention section v
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of the building, a building so full of high-technology equipment and so e
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massively expensive to build that it had been paid for by taxpayers. r
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The Inspector finished his session on the punching bag, errr suspect,
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and *Popsicle* managed to get a few words in his ear. Here's a list of r
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them in alphabetical order. e
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a
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again americans and as back banana booby-trap d
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californian covers disorientate for inspector s
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home in it's koalas ornamental outback smuggle
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smuggling the them they're think this time to 6
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toilet-seat use using we 6
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6
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And now here's a list out of alphabetical order, with some
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punctuation, and a few quotes thrown in to make it look like dialogue. t
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"It's banana smuggling again, Inspector. The Americans, this time. h
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We think they're using them to booby-trap koalas in the outback, to e
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disorientate them and smuggle them back home for use as ornamental s
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Californian toilet-seat covers." e
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"Well", replied the Inspector in his distinguished and dulcet
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tones. "I say we go get the fuckers!" s
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"Okay", said *Popsicle*. "Let's go down to the lab, like we always i
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do at the start of our adventure stories, because it fulfils the d
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lack of silly and infeasible gadgetry that the viewers/readers/ e
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listeners love." w
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So they did. a
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The HQ was organised a little like a department store. It had six y
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floors below ground, and a network of corridors, lifts and escalators. s
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*Popsicle* and the Inspector followed the signs to the nearest lift,
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got inside, and asked for the lab. The lift moved down, taking them D
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further below-ground. E
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"First floor below ground - Wardrobe - gun-holsters, trenchcoats, V
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sunglasses, black suits, leather gear. I
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"Second, Privacy Infringement department. L
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"Third, covert activity co-ordination section.
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"Fourth, detention, torture centre and dungeon. b
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"Fifth, public relations. i
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"Sixth floor, Establishment lab, deadly weapons of mass- t
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destruction, genetic experiments, alchemy and kitchens." s
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.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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What rare and silly looking devices will *Popsicle* D
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lift from the lab? How many four letter words will o
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Inspector Unnecessary-Violence say next time? Find
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out, whenever you manage to find the next part of y
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the adventures of Mr *Popsicle*! o
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ u
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Your brain has being feeding on the most recently ?
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read episode of the Toxic Custard Workhop Files.
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And it has no one to blame but itself. Back-issues
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are now available; for details, send e-mail to
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu. Also available if you want
|
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a good frown, Rocket Roger - for that, send some
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other e-mail to rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
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--
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
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--
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Daniel Francis Bowen, Monash | A man goes into a Texas restaurant.
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University, Melbourne Australia | And the waiter says "you can't come
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edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au| in here sir, you're not wearing
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---TCWF - tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---| a bullet-proof vest."
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I see Jimmy Swaggart is back in trouble. Stuck his crucifix somewhere
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he shouldn't have again.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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100% Pure Toxic Custard
|
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_____ ___ ____ ____ ____
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| / | | |___ /____ |____| TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES P
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| \___ \/\/ | |____| |____| Number 68- 28th October 1991 O
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-------------------------------------------by-Daniel-Bowen------------- M
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M
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ARTS FACULTY CAFE - MENU Y
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- Repressed coffee scroll n
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- Politically sound tea and coffee (no right-wing CSR asbestos-mining e
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bastards company sugar available) x
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- Beautifully conceived sandwiches t
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- Meat-free, preservative-free, CFC-free, non-nuclear pie
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- Explicit salad rolls w
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- Liberated milkshakes e
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- Socially acceptable chocolate bars e
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- Potato chips with extra karma k
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- Cosmic fruit buns
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- Artistically valid fruit juice P
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O
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*And NO Zionist Imperialist Coca Cola!* M
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - M
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Y
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So, summer(*) time is here again. And of course every single little
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person in the country is expected to fiddle with their clocks to adjust n
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the time by an hour. Two plans have been proposed to revolutionise e
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daylight savings in future. x
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Many people think that this happens too often, wrestling with the t
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clock controls twice a year being too much of a hassle. Their proposal
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is for a constant summer/winter time, which would be between the two. w
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Meanwhile, the clock fetishists' society, who all enjoy caressing e
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the clock buttons and knobs as often as possible, lightly running their e
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fingers over the controls, would like to propose a more complicated k
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system, perhaps consisting of autumn and spring time, or even better,
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a different time for every month. Clocks would have to be changed by P
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ten minutes, twelce(**) a year. O
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A spokesman for the clock fetishists' society dismissed the move by M
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a splinter group of the society for a different time every day. This M
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would require a change of approxiamately 19.76 seconds every day. Y
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(*) All those north of the line thingy in the middle of the map, read n
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"winter time". e
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(**) Like twice, but twelve times, instead of... twice. x
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
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Almost totally unrelated but included in this speil in search of a w
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laugh are new claims made two years ago that when faced with a e
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television crew from Hinch, The Investigators, or 60 Minutes, 93% of e
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people will try and cover the lens with their hands, even though they k
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know this is precisely the footage the crew want. Professor Hans Von
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Fabre of Psychological Institute of Sociological Studies has a wild 6
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theory that accidentally got accepted as offical Institute policy 6
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during a rather fun night on illegal substances last month. The theory 6
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says that holding hands in front of camera lenses is a reaction buried
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deep in race memory, which goes back to the days when cavemen defended P
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themselves from wild attacking birds by covering the birds' eyes. Fabre O
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says that recent bones dug up have indicated to him that the particular M
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birds precisely resembled television cameras. When he presented his M
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findings to the institute, the reactions were varied, ranging from Y
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"you're talking bullshit!" to "yeah man, that's cool!" and "hey vibes
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and happenin' theories man.. I love you, you know that.. Oh wow, those n
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elephants have flared trunks! Dude, man, chill out and have one of e
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these cigarettes." x
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
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*Popsicle* had arrived at the lab. So far, his thrilling adventure was w
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looking exactly like the last one. Making his way past the politically e
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doubtful and generally very heavy experiments, he found Doctor Wedge, e
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who put down the kitten and welcomed him. k
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"Greetings *Popsicle*, you big butch super secret agent, you",
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slurped the Doctor. P
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"Enough slurping Doc, on with the plot", replied *Popsicle*. O
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"Certainly. But have you heard the latest changes to the storyline M
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that the author has made?" M
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"No.. I didn't know he could do that!" Y
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"Oh yes. That's what comes of writing the story week by week,
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instead of in an organised fashion", explained the Doctor. "We are no n
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longer chasing banana smugglers.. it's much worse." e
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The Inspector spoke for the first time this episode. Using all his x
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resources and intelligence as a top crime-fighting police officer, he t
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asked, "What?"
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"The latest drug craze", answered the Doctor, "Is much worse than w
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the last drug craze. It has to be. How else would the media find e
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something to rave about? Before it was heroin, crack, bananas.. but now e
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addiction has reached new heights.. NUTMEG." k
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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How will *Popsicle* and the entire Establishment handle M
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this new threat to society? By thumping people, I expect. e
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Find out how, why, where, when, and how you can get hold of g
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some stuff, in the next chilling thrilling bloodthirsty a
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head-kicking violent bastard episode of Popsicle. Popsicle b
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will not be seen next week, to make way for our TCWF o
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special "Megabogue's Pommy" but returns in two weeks time. g
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Should there be an apostrophe in "weeks" on the previous u
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line? If you have an opinion on this, or anything else e
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remotely related, send mail now to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu '
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
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You have been reading the pre-Pommy edition of the Toxic
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Custard Workshop Files. Pommy, described variously as "a P
|
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masterpiece", "very clever" and "who wrote this crap?" O
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(Guess which of those quotes are genuine) is next week. M
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Don't miss it. Back-issues of this stuff are available. M
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Reply, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. Y
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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--
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University ,------_----__-----__----_-------------------.
|
|
Melbourne, Australia-------------| /\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\ THE HEAVY- |
|
|
edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au | /\/ \_/ \__POMMY__/ \_/ \/\ METAL OPERA |
|
|
edb134t@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | \/\_/ \__/megabogue\__/ \_/\/ In full |
|
|
---------------------------------| /\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\ Next week in |
|
|
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files | \/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\/ TCWF |
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu `-/\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\-----MoccaSIN-'
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
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MEGABOGUE'S Pommy
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|
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MoccaSIN Records
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in association with
|
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the Toxic Custard Workshop Files
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|
|
|
Present:
|
|
_ __ __ _
|
|
/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\
|
|
________________________/\/ \_/ \__POMMY__/ \_/ \/\__________________________
|
|
\/\_/ \__/megabogue\__/ \_/\/
|
|
________________________/\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\__________________________
|
|
\/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\/
|
|
________________________/\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\__________________________
|
|
\/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\/
|
|
\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/
|
|
|
|
|
|
1. MAKE MY CROTCH LOOK BIG (Slasher Rists)
|
|
--------------------------
|
|
|
|
England was boring, ain't got no dosh
|
|
Scotland was boring, always got sloshed
|
|
Wales was boring, don't wanna be a miner
|
|
Why not go down under on an ocean liner
|
|
|
|
The ship was boring, sailed for months
|
|
Couldn't stop vomiting, not even once
|
|
Heard that heavy metal in the bar
|
|
Just decided I wanna be a rock star
|
|
|
|
CHORUS:
|
|
Gotta get long hair, gonna wear a wig
|
|
Buy them tight Levi's all the girls dig
|
|
Stick in a banana, make my crotch look big
|
|
Get a bogan band together, and go play some gigs
|
|
|
|
Got into Melbourne, Christ what a dump
|
|
Stupid right-turns out past the black-stump
|
|
'Cos I was English, got into a fight
|
|
They all call me Pommy after that night
|
|
|
|
Got a band together, played a few pubs
|
|
Wouldn't pay us money, but let us get drunk
|
|
Power chords made a hell of a noise
|
|
But no girls turned up, just Neanderthal boys
|
|
|
|
CHORUS
|
|
|
|
Went deaf fast, music too loud
|
|
Playin' those power chords in front of the crowd
|
|
Scratching on stage? They don't mind
|
|
Only problem was I soon went blind
|
|
|
|
The papers heard, they all came to see
|
|
Critics all came to listen to me
|
|
"Incomprehensible" is what they wrote
|
|
The band don't mind, they can't play a note
|
|
|
|
CHORUS
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
2. THE BAND (Slasher Rists)
|
|
-----------
|
|
|
|
We're Pommy's band, a gang of four
|
|
Playing our instruments all bloody night
|
|
Yelling all evening 'til our throats are sore
|
|
And strutting our stuff in front of the lights
|
|
N
|
|
My name's Steve, I play the bass o
|
|
While the others wail and moan
|
|
I grab a bottle and get slowly wasted s
|
|
And if I ever do sing, it's in a monotone i
|
|
d
|
|
Hi I'm Jimmy and I play the drums e
|
|
Hitting them all night with my huge sticks w
|
|
I tried guitar, but can't even strum a
|
|
Besides, everyone knows guitarists are pricks y
|
|
s
|
|
The name is Angus, what do I play?
|
|
No, I don't play, I MANIPULATE.. m
|
|
My guitar is my tool, that's what I say e
|
|
Anything that comes out of it just has to be great. s
|
|
s
|
|
And I'm Pommy, leader of the band a
|
|
Writing six six sick songs to sing g
|
|
I'm deaf dumb and blind so they lend me a hand e
|
|
When it comes to fitting my guitar with new strings.
|
|
t
|
|
We have a gig at least once a year h
|
|
Borrow big amps so we can be loud i
|
|
Remember that time the audience cheered s
|
|
When Steve suddenly threw up all over the crowd
|
|
w
|
|
Now vomit's a regular part of our act e
|
|
Though our critics describe it as sick e
|
|
Vomit, sick, spew, I'd agree that's a fact k
|
|
It's just a pity our music is shit .
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
[Pommy moves into a high-rise building. At number 7 every night, he
|
|
and his friends practise their music and drive Steve's car full of
|
|
equipment, to the occasional gig.]
|
|
O
|
|
3. STAIRWAY TO SEVEN (Slasher Rists) o
|
|
-------------------- p
|
|
s
|
|
There's a lady who bangs, .
|
|
On the wall every night
|
|
When we're trying to practise our chords
|
|
She tells us we should stop
|
|
Making noise and be quiet
|
|
Or she'll dob us into the land lo-o-ord
|
|
|
|
ooooh And she's climbing the stairway to seven
|
|
|
|
There's a sign on the wall
|
|
'bout restrictions to noise
|
|
But you know we never take no notice
|
|
I sleep all of the day
|
|
Then I round up the boys
|
|
And we play despite shouts from the neighbours
|
|
|
|
oooh.. it makes them thunder
|
|
oooh.. that note was blundered
|
|
|
|
There's a feeling I get
|
|
When I look out the door
|
|
And the rentman is crying for money
|
|
I slam it shut in his face
|
|
'Cos he always wants more
|
|
And here's me living on bread and honey
|
|
|
|
oooh.. it makes me chunder
|
|
oooh.. Really makes me chunder
|
|
|
|
The drummer's drumming and he won't go
|
|
Because he don't know,
|
|
Rehearsals finished two hours since
|
|
He's prob'ly brain dead
|
|
Or at least he is very slow
|
|
Why we don't sack him, I don't know.
|
|
|
|
And it makes me wonder
|
|
|
|
Your head is humming and it won't go
|
|
Because you don't know
|
|
What was the stuff you have just smoked?
|
|
|
|
And as we drink-drive down the road
|
|
Reactions slower than we'd hope
|
|
Here comes a cop car we all know
|
|
Flashing blue lights, oh God no!
|
|
And if Steve breathes in very hard
|
|
Before he blows into his bag
|
|
The license may not go too far
|
|
Because we need it for the band.
|
|
|
|
And we're hoping he don't get suspended.
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
R. CROTCH LOOK BIG REPRISE (Slasher Rists)
|
|
--------------------------
|
|
|
|
Steve's licence got suspended, ain't got no car
|
|
We still play gigs, but we can't travel far
|
|
Lugging the drum kit on train, bus and tram
|
|
Crowds look sympathetic but don't give a damn
|
|
|
|
REPRISE CHORUS
|
|
We're writing deep songs, 'bout death and stuff
|
|
Then we go wild on stage, all tryin' to look tough
|
|
No-one understands the words that we sing
|
|
But none of them mind, they can't hear a thing
|
|
|
|
But no record contract, we're soon in debt
|
|
Out on the streets in the cold and the wet
|
|
Living on nothing but bread and cheese
|
|
The crowds are all gone, even the groupies
|
|
|
|
There's nothing compares to the pain and the hurt
|
|
When you're forced to sell one of your flannelette shirts
|
|
Lucky I have got another twelve
|
|
Or I'd be ready to kill myself
|
|
|
|
REPRISE CHORUS
|
|
|
|
But skin tight jeans - I won't suffer loss
|
|
'Cos the simple fact is, I can't get 'em off
|
|
I don't remember, they've been on for years
|
|
When I do up the zip, they reduce me to tears
|
|
|
|
So I paint them often, to make them look clean
|
|
Else wash them by dangling my legs in the machine
|
|
Anyway I'm out of money, and so bloody bored
|
|
Why don't I go out and paint some brick walls?
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
[Pommy walks the streets, spraying walls]
|
|
|
|
5. BRICK WALL PAINTER (Slasher Rists)
|
|
---------------------
|
|
|
|
Ever since I was a young boy,
|
|
I've sprayed phones in the mall.
|
|
From Footscray to Beaumaris
|
|
I must have sprayed them all.
|
|
|
|
But I ain't seen anything like him,
|
|
In any children's court...
|
|
That deaf dumb and blind bogue
|
|
Sure paints a mean brick wall!
|
|
|
|
He's a brick wall painter
|
|
He has to be a twit.
|
|
A brick wall painter,
|
|
He's really such a git.
|
|
|
|
Why do you think he does it? I don't know!
|
|
What is the appeal?
|
|
|
|
Rejection of society,
|
|
Or something deep like that,
|
|
That's what the doctors tell us
|
|
But it's a load of crap.
|
|
He's really just a vandal,
|
|
And very bad at that...
|
|
That deaf dumb and blind bogue
|
|
What a stupid twat!
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
[Pommy, out of money, looks for work (not easy when you're blind) and
|
|
eats at the soup-kitchen]
|
|
|
|
6. WON'T EAT SOUP AGAIN (Slasher Rists)
|
|
-----------------------
|
|
|
|
We'll be walking down the street
|
|
With our moccies on our feet
|
|
And our cig'rette packets under.. our t-shirts
|
|
And our flannel shirts as well
|
|
And our hair without no gel
|
|
We decided that it does look rather swell
|
|
|
|
I look around at the poverty-stricken nation
|
|
Take a walk to the Army of Salvation
|
|
Smile and grin at the free food all around
|
|
Pick up my guitar and play
|
|
Just like Brian May
|
|
Then I get on my knees and pray..
|
|
We don't get soup again!
|
|
|
|
The train it had to come
|
|
We'd been waiting for so long
|
|
But the Met man said there's nothing to be done
|
|
But it finally arrived
|
|
So I tapped my way inside
|
|
Around the city I was going to ride
|
|
|
|
I go on down, to the rotten job centre
|
|
Looking for, any job you'd care to mention
|
|
Smile and grin at the people in the queue
|
|
Pick up my dole and complain
|
|
There's just no jobs around
|
|
Then I get on my knees and pray..
|
|
I soon find work again!
|
|
|
|
Yeeeeaaaaahh!
|
|
|
|
Eat the new soup
|
|
Same as the old soup
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
7. CROTCH LOOK BIG REPRISE AGAIN (Slasher Rists)
|
|
--------------------------------
|
|
|
|
But there ain't much work when you're totally blind
|
|
Might as well just go out of my mind
|
|
Wish I could make money writing my songs
|
|
Oh stuff it, mate, pass me that bong
|
|
|
|
And like all young studs, I want a root
|
|
But there ain't no way a blind man can drive a ute
|
|
So the shag-wagon's out, what'll I do?
|
|
Find a sheep, or something goin' "moo"?
|
|
|
|
No no, that's revolting, have I no shame?
|
|
Do I want to fall foul of the RSPCA?
|
|
I can drown my sorrows in a bottle of brandy
|
|
But there's no getting round the fact that I'm randy
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
[Pommy goes blind-clubbing, looking for loose women]
|
|
|
|
8. SEE ME, GROPE ME (Slasher Rists)
|
|
-------------------
|
|
|
|
See me.. feel me.. touch me.. bonk me
|
|
See me.. grope me.. touch me.. stroke me
|
|
See me.. feel me.. touch me.. bonk me
|
|
See me.. feel me.. touch me.. bonk me senseless
|
|
|
|
Listening to you, can't hear no music
|
|
Gazing at you, can't see a thing
|
|
Would you please, kindly consider
|
|
Attending to my ding-a-ling
|
|
|
|
Right behind you, I sense a bouncer
|
|
He's prob'bly got, an angry face
|
|
Following my forward advances
|
|
I'm getting kicked out of the place
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
[But there aren't any *that* loose]
|
|
|
|
9. CHRIST SLASHER CAN'T YOU WRITE ANOTHER BLOODY TUNE CROTCH REPRISE
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
(Slasher Rists)
|
|
|
|
Blind men don't get roots, that was a blunder
|
|
Never heard 'bout the sex life of Stevie Wonder
|
|
Fed up with trying, I don't think I should
|
|
I feel in the cupboard, again out of food
|
|
|
|
So I trudge off hungry, walk down the street
|
|
Blisters in my belly and pains on my feet
|
|
Had enough of living, it's got really dull
|
|
Had enough of dying, don't sound much like fun
|
|
|
|
Had enough music too, sick of those sounds
|
|
I'll find a park bench to have a lie down
|
|
I'm going to sleep now, the day has been rough
|
|
So now I'll ask you all to kindly fuck off.
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash \ /\/ / The Toxic Custard Workshop Files ||
|
|
University, Melbourne Australia/\/\ \/ tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ||
|
|
edb134tbp2@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au/\ \/\/--------------------------------------++
|
|
edb134t@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au / /\/ \ RUGBY REPORT: Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Thinly Sliced Toxic Custard
|
|
|
|
____ ___ .etirw ot niap a fo ssel yllanigram tuB !da
|
|
/ / \ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES - Number 70 e
|
|
T C W F / | | 11th November 1991 - Written by Daniel Bowen r
|
|
| \___/ ----------------------------------------------
|
|
o
|
|
On this Remembrance Day, I'd like everyone to stand up at their t
|
|
terminals and try to remember what we're trying to remember to
|
|
remember on this Remembrance Day. In fact, on Remembrance Day, we n
|
|
should remember all those who died in wars previous to the next one. i
|
|
Except in the United States, where it's Veterans' Day, where we a
|
|
should try and remember not to forget about those who didn't die in p
|
|
wars previous to the next one. And to celebrate, let's all go to the
|
|
cinema and watch Rambo 14 - Rambo Remembers His Name. a
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
s
|
|
News has filtered through. We're not yet sure what it is yet, but i
|
|
we'll be telling you just as soon as we can be bothered to find out.
|
|
It reportedly filtered through a sieve, but the sieve's editor has s
|
|
prevented any more details getting out, since they're embarassing to i
|
|
him personally. They would be viewed as extremely artistic in some h
|
|
circles, but he would prefer that the negatives stayed out of the T
|
|
wrong hands. Anyway, we've found the news, so here it is.
|
|
Reginald Drain, exercise freak and well known gun-fetishist, was .
|
|
taken to hospital after tragically shooting off his own penis in bed d
|
|
last night. Mr Drain claimed he didn't know the safety catch was off, e
|
|
and that the camel had bumped into him after one of the twigs from l
|
|
the bucket had got caught in its fur. Police investigating the b
|
|
incident commented that the risk of this occuring is always high at m
|
|
masonic meetings, and that the same thing happened to the Chief a
|
|
Inspector last month. r
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
y
|
|
Welcome to Australia, sir. Could I just see your passport and visa? l
|
|
u
|
|
- Okay. r
|
|
t
|
|
Thank you.... Hmm, excuse me sir, you're an American tourist, are
|
|
you? d
|
|
n
|
|
- That's right. a
|
|
|
|
Hmm This is rather suspicious. Where's your ten gallon hat? l
|
|
l
|
|
- I'm sorry? e
|
|
w
|
|
I'm afraid I don't believe this for one moment. You're not shouting
|
|
"Gee" every ten seconds, you aren't taking snapshots of alleged e
|
|
kangaroos outside the window with your ten cameras, and you're not r
|
|
wearing your huge hat, sunglasses and loud jacket. C'mon, who are a
|
|
you?
|
|
l
|
|
- I'm an American tourist, visiting Melbourne with my wife. a
|
|
u
|
|
Oh yeah, sure. What bullshit.. for heaven's sake, you even pronounced s
|
|
Melbourne correctly. None of this "Mellboorn" crap - you said it u
|
|
right. Are you telling me you don't want to see Ayer's Rock, and buy
|
|
a genuine kangaroo skin fur coat for your "folks, back home"? You've s
|
|
been standing there two minutes, and you haven't asked me where the a
|
|
nearest American Express office is. Or whined about the cars being on
|
|
the wrong side of the road. Or stuffed yourself full of hamburgers h
|
|
and fries before belching loudly and proclaiming "Gee honey - that c
|
|
was SWELL! Now I gotta find the JOHN!" So, who are you really? i
|
|
h
|
|
- Shhh.. CIA, but not a word to my wife. w
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
,
|
|
It's not that I want to go to Russia and claim power, unbelievable s
|
|
wealth and the adulation of the masses, but I have to say right here g
|
|
and now that I am in fact a descendant of the Tsar. Honest, it's n
|
|
true. I'm from the first generation of the Smellonski family of St i
|
|
Petersburg (Leningrad), who, just after the Russian revolution, found l
|
|
the dead Tsar's body and extracted some sperm out of it, which they b
|
|
kept in a bottle until the technology was developed to allow m
|
|
in vitro-fertilisation. The result being me. Hooray! a
|
|
And if anyone doubts this story, then why don't you get stuffed? r
|
|
Have you no faith in the honesty of your fellow man? Do you want to
|
|
destroy humanity's faith, culture and beliefs? Do you want to tear d
|
|
the very soul from the entire species of humans? Oh yeah, great.. e
|
|
<insert your name here> is responsible for the genocide of the human s
|
|
race! So, how do you feel now? a
|
|
A. Rotten - Good! e
|
|
B. Fantastically butch and macho - Bastard! s
|
|
C. Fantastically butch and feminine - Bitch! i
|
|
D. Fantastically butch and something and pumped full of d
|
|
testosterone - Well hello ducky. How are you today?
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
|
|
m
|
|
Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence (who denies absolutely
|
|
having been a war criminal who brutally interrogated err.. murdered o
|
|
15 suspects err.. civilians during a case .. err war) are cold on the t
|
|
tails of nutmeg smugglers.
|
|
"I didn't think there was anything wrong with nutmeg", said the s
|
|
Inspector as they speeded (as opposed to sped) through the city on n
|
|
their way to the next place where they'd get out of the car. "Why are i
|
|
we on the tails of nutmeg smugglers?" g
|
|
"Huh" replied the all-knowing, manly figure of Popsicle. "Ever e
|
|
tried eating three nutmegs?" b
|
|
"No, should I? Anyway; so what? It's not addictive is it?"
|
|
"Probably not, but that's not the point. It's got to be stopped k
|
|
before people start having too much fun!" e
|
|
"Well, you're right there. You can't just allow people to go e
|
|
around willy-nilly... willy-fuckin'-nilly having fun. Absolutely w
|
|
fuckin' not", agreed the Inspector, a fascist in fascist's clothing
|
|
if ever there was one. e
|
|
h
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
|
|
Now you've reached the end of that astonishingly short
|
|
installment of Popsicle, we can announce that it is your e
|
|
misfortune once again to have failed to avert your eyes r
|
|
from the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Back-issues are o
|
|
now available.. reply to this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu m
|
|
Also available only to intergalactic space-mutants, the
|
|
quite amusing (considering I didn't write it) tale of e
|
|
Rocket Roger. Mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu Help the c
|
|
author celebrate his 21st birthday! (No-one else will) n
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ O
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
|
May be copied or reproduced in its entirety without
|
|
permission provided this notice remains intact.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | He who quoteth himself
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | in his own signature
|
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| is a conceited bastard.
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [D.F. Bowen, '91]
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