715 lines
48 KiB
Plaintext
715 lines
48 KiB
Plaintext
****************************************************************************
|
|
### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ###
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|
# #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # #
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|
# # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ###
|
|
____________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
# # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### ####
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|
# # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ###
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|
### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### ####
|
|
***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
|
|
********************PARTS FIFTY-ONE TO FIFTY-FIVE***************************
|
|
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH TOXIC CUSTARD
|
|
|
|
_____ ____ ____
|
|
| / \ /\ / | ####### ### Number 51, 1st July 19 A
|
|
| | \ / \ / |___ ## ## 9
|
|
| \____ \/ \/ | ##### ## b134tbp2@vx24.cc.m 1 r
|
|
O U O I ## ## d o . u
|
|
X S R L ## ## e is is stupid.. n . s
|
|
I T K E ## ## h a . h
|
|
C A S S ## ## , T..... ua.ude.hs W e
|
|
R H ## ## ## n r d
|
|
D O #### ###### ewoB leinaD yb netti
|
|
____________________P____________________________________________________ j
|
|
o
|
|
WELL KNOWN LOAD OF CRAP IN NAME CHANGE HOSTAGE DRAMA CRISIS SCANDAL b
|
|
|
|
Okay, okay, so we know you got a message two weeks ago saying the sequel (
|
|
to TCWF would be known as Noxious Pudding. But the truth, the utter truth n
|
|
is that a volkswagen of Toxic terrorists from Canada burst into the o
|
|
Workshop and demanded on pain of tickling that we keep the name the same. t
|
|
And as the tickling was to be done with barbed wire on the soles of our
|
|
feet, who were we to argue? t
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
|
|
a
|
|
The man with the biggest feet in the world, Irish-born, Italian-raised t
|
|
Giovanni O'Shamus caused an upset at Wimbledon during the week, when he
|
|
stepped on his opponent in the first round of the Men's Singles. The i
|
|
squashed man, American Rocky Steinburger was rushed to hospital but was t
|
|
pronounced flat on arrival. O'Shamus, who is ranked forty-three thousandth '
|
|
in the world, claimed he had been unable to see because John McEnroe's ego s
|
|
had got in the way, obscuring most of the court, making it too dark to see
|
|
where he was going. a
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
|
|
y
|
|
It's very dark.
|
|
HOW DO YOU KNOW? e
|
|
Because it looks very dark. x
|
|
YOU SURE? c
|
|
Yes. u
|
|
YOU HAVEN'T GOT YOUR EYES CLOSED? s
|
|
I don't believe so. e
|
|
YOU AREN'T WEARING SUNGLASSES? ,
|
|
No.
|
|
SURE? o
|
|
Yes. f
|
|
ARE YOU LOCKED IN A VERY SMALL ROOM WITH NO LIGHT?
|
|
No. c
|
|
ON YOUR HEAD DO YOU HAVE A STRANGE TYPE OF BLACK CARDBOARD CYLINDER o
|
|
CONSTRUCTED OF THE FINEST RE-CYCLED PAPER BY BOLIVIAN PEASANTS AND u
|
|
PLACED ON YOUR HEAD BY THE SECRET SERVICE TO PREVENT YOU GIVING AWAY r
|
|
ANY DETAILS OF MILITARY MANOEUVRES BY THE 1ST ARMED WOMBATS DIVISION s
|
|
NEXT WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON DURING THEIR 1991 INNAUGURAL CRAWL ACROSS A e
|
|
BUSY ROAD FOR AFTERNOON TEA AND SCONES IN THE TRADITIONAL MILITARY )
|
|
MARSUPIAL FASHION ACCOMPANIED BY BEETHOVEN'S 5TH PLAYED ON A LITTLE
|
|
TAPE RECORDER CONCEALED IN THE POUCH OF A NEARBY SCOTSMAN WHO HAS BEEN H
|
|
ACQUITTED OF CORRUPTION CHARGES? a
|
|
Oh yeah, that must be it. s
|
|
WHAT, THE PUNCHLINE? n
|
|
I hope not, it was very predictable. Is this the best the author can come '
|
|
up with? t
|
|
APPARENTLY. I EXPECT HE'S BEEN BUSY. I HAVE A QUESTION ACTUALLY.
|
|
What is it? e
|
|
WHAT IS WHAT? v
|
|
The question. e
|
|
OH, THE QUESTION. THE QUESTION IS, WHAT IS DARK? n
|
|
I don't know, I can't see it.
|
|
OH. SO YOU DON'T KNOW IF IT'S VERY COLOURFUL OR NOT? g
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
|
|
t
|
|
ART NEWS
|
|
The art world was rocked yesterday at the announcement of Professor Hans a
|
|
Von Fabre of the discovery of a new primary colour. The fourth primary n
|
|
colour, to be known as hans, will revolutionise art and technology all y
|
|
over the world. TV News services worldwide have not been able to broadcast
|
|
pictures of the new colour because TV sets are manufactured to generate S
|
|
pictures from blue red and green, but not hans. Electronics companies have h
|
|
welcomed the new colour, saying it will increase their income by making a
|
|
everyone go out to buy new TVs and computer monitors. Art critics have k
|
|
acclaimed hans as being able to bring a new lease of life to the art e
|
|
world. s
|
|
p
|
|
LEASE OF LIFE e
|
|
Need to get a life? Why not lease one? A range of lives are available on a a
|
|
cheap danger-free lease plan. Come down to our showroom and have a look at r
|
|
the new Winter '91 range of lives. Everything from the super-intelligent e
|
|
life of a Professor of Dead Horse Studies at Oxford University right down !
|
|
to the lowest of life-forms, movie critic, sports commentator, Stallone
|
|
clone, or world leader. O
|
|
h
|
|
HORSE RACING
|
|
Tragedy struck the owners of Fast Sausage yesterday when the horse was w
|
|
accidentally put in the wrong horse-box and sent to be slaughtered and e
|
|
turned into 200 cans of dog-food. The owners said that they don't mind l
|
|
very much, and look forward to getting rid of more useless horses this l
|
|
way. Fast Sausage's descendants, two ponies (Pork Sausage and Long ,
|
|
Sausage) will be cared for by the St Pharlap's Home for Orphaned Horses.
|
|
m
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
|
|
y
|
|
From wiseacre@josiah.rc Sat Jun 29 17:08:21 1991 b
|
|
Date: Sat, 29 June 91 17:08:16 +1000 e
|
|
From: Father H Wiseacre <wiseacre@josiah.rc>
|
|
To: marye@jerusalem.rc n
|
|
Subject: Peace be with you e
|
|
x
|
|
Dear Sister Mary, t
|
|
|
|
Just a quick note to say that the money raised from the Save The w
|
|
Orphans Bingo Night was a princely $157, but that on the instructions e
|
|
of the bishop, $80 of that has gone to the Church's investment fund. e
|
|
In the three o'clock at Flemington, apparently. k
|
|
.
|
|
I hope the orphans are well. Little urchins, some of them. Have you
|
|
recovered the orphanage front door yet? And I hope that delivery man T
|
|
is out of intensive-care. Regards, C
|
|
W
|
|
Father Harry F
|
|
--
|
|
wiseacre@josiah.rc 5
|
|
"In the beginning, there was darkness." Genesis 1:1 2
|
|
,
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
This has been the rather pathetic comeback of Toxic Custard. o
|
|
Numbers 1 to 50 are now available on anonymous ftp from: u
|
|
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] in pub/tcwf t
|
|
coombs.anu.edu.au [130.56.96.2] in pub/TCWF
|
|
or via e-mail; send mail to archive-server@cs.widener.edu saying 8
|
|
help to get full details, or index tcwf for a list of TCWF. t
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ h
|
|
Related brain injuries available: Rocket Roger, inflicted by
|
|
e-mail from rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu J
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ u
|
|
-- l
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen y
|
|
--
|
|
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | The White House has just announced
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | that George Bush will leave
|
|
-----------------------------------------+ hospital shortly.
|
|
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu In a box.
|
|
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
A R T I F I C I A L L Y F L A V O U R E D ....................
|
|
___ _ _ _ _ ___ _ _ _ ___ __ . by Daniel Bowen
|
|
| | | \/ | | | | | |_ | |_| |_| | \ |__ __| . tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
| |_| /\ | |_ |_ |_| _| | | | | \ |_/ ___| |__ .
|
|
......................................................... 8th July 1991
|
|
Special thanks to Lori Boren and Brian Smith ....................
|
|
......................................................... D
|
|
e
|
|
We are very proud to announce that next Friday the 5th of July 1991 is a
|
|
World Spit In A Rich Bastard's Face day. Millions of people worldwide r
|
|
will take the opportunity to get-back at rich bastards around the
|
|
globe. Not only is the event going to raise charity money, it will o
|
|
also be immense fun for the majority of the participants (ie, the h
|
|
spitters).
|
|
A representative of the Rich Important People's Occidental d
|
|
Fellow's Federation (a well known rich-bastard's association) claimed e
|
|
that anyone in the entire world who even considered thinking about a
|
|
spitting in one of their member's faces would be violently threatened, r
|
|
made unemployable and probably sued out of existence. ,
|
|
However, organisers of the day have expressed their disagreement,
|
|
saying that they have found a loophole in international law that makes h
|
|
it legal to spit in the face of anyone earning more than $75,000 per e
|
|
year. r
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
|
|
|
|
Police are investigating the mysterious collision between a car and a y
|
|
fast moving tree on the Nepean Highway earlier in the week. A police o
|
|
spokesman said he'd personally beaten up ten people in the past u
|
|
fortnight before he realised the microphone was on. He then went on to
|
|
say that the "Black Box" drive-recorder had been recovered from the a
|
|
wreckage of the car, and had been analysed. He said that a transcript r
|
|
of the last moments of the car before the collision had been prepared, e
|
|
and that he had listened to it, but that no, the media couldn't report
|
|
it. He commented that perhaps that joke would be expanded at a later a
|
|
date. g
|
|
All occupants of the car thankfully escaped uninjured, but most of a
|
|
the occupants of the tree, including a rare type of owl, were killed i
|
|
in the collision. The driver of the car swore blind to police that the n
|
|
tree had come from nowhere at high-speed, without even using its ,
|
|
indicators.
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
|
|
e
|
|
FUN-RUN REEBOK MASSACRE a
|
|
The 1991 New York Fun-Run-let's-dash-through-the-city-out-of-breath- d
|
|
and-die-of-heart-attacks-afterwards-Marathon was struck by tragedy i
|
|
half an hour into the event, when local neighbourhood gunmen opened n
|
|
fire on the runners. When the police arrived a short while afterwards g
|
|
(as they occasionally do when massacres occur), they found more than
|
|
250 dead joggers, all missing their Reeboks. Blame has been placed t
|
|
equally on the professional Reebok re-selling gang involved and the h
|
|
kind of idiots who pay more than $250 for a matching set of two rubber i
|
|
and leather containers for feet. s
|
|
Rumours abound that the real people behind the affair are in fact
|
|
a consortium of Reebok's rivals in the shoe business (there's no d
|
|
business like.. no no no). Nike's advertising agency recently came up r
|
|
with a slogan that said "Okay, so you can get killed bungee-jumping in i
|
|
Nike's shoes if you're stupid enough to attach the rope like that, but v
|
|
you're more likely to be murdered in Reeboks." The same agency then e
|
|
offered the Reebok a campaign based around "Reebok - terminally l
|
|
fantastic". .
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
D
|
|
From: marye@jerusalem.rc o
|
|
Date: Fri, 5 July 91 14:22:27 +1000 n
|
|
From: Sister Mary Existentiala <marye@jerusalem.rc> '
|
|
To: wiseacre@josiah.rc t
|
|
Subject: Re: Peace be with you
|
|
y
|
|
Dear Father Harry, o
|
|
u
|
|
Thank you for your note of last week, it's always a pleasure to hear
|
|
from you. I was delighted to hear of the Bingo Night proceeds. The h
|
|
Bishop recently asked for a portion of our grocery budget for Church a
|
|
purposes, too. He muttered something about St Trifecta's Holy Convent. v
|
|
The orphans are adapting well to the change in our menu, which is a e
|
|
relief. (Coincidentally, the Sisters and I are expecting to earn quite
|
|
a hefty sum upon publication of our cookbook, "1,095 Ways to Serve a
|
|
Gruel".) n
|
|
y
|
|
We are hoping to use some of the proceeds from the cookbook to replace t
|
|
the front door; meantime thank God the weather has been mild. We've h
|
|
been using the large crucifix, which some of the older boys pried i
|
|
down from over the altar, to dissuade would-be trespassers. n
|
|
g
|
|
Yes, all of the orphans are well, though little Brian is still
|
|
suffering a bit with the flash burns, and yet another delivery man has b
|
|
succumbed to their pranks. It's as well that they couldn't find any e
|
|
nails or we might not have been able to get him down from the "front t
|
|
door". t
|
|
e
|
|
Hoping you'll be back to celebrate a mass for us soon, r
|
|
|
|
Sister Mary Existentiala t
|
|
-- o
|
|
marye@jerusalem.rc
|
|
d
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
|
|
This has been another pathetic installment of Toxic Custard.
|
|
Numbers 1 to 50 are now available on anonymous ftp from: w
|
|
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] in pub/tcwf i
|
|
coombs.anu.edu.au [130.56.96.2] in pub/TCWF t
|
|
or via e-mail; send mail to archive-server@cs.widener.edu saying h
|
|
help to get full details, or index tcwf for a list of TCWF.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ y
|
|
Distant cousin Rocket Roger continues his thing, available o
|
|
via e-mail from rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu u
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ r
|
|
--
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen t
|
|
-- i
|
|
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | You'd have to m
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | be stupid to e
|
|
-----------------------------------------+ believe you ?
|
|
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu were thick.
|
|
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
CARCINOGENIC TOXIC CUSTARD / /\ Number 53 - 15th July 1991
|
|
----------------------------\/\ /\----------------------------------
|
|
Written by Daniel Bowen / / tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
H
|
|
MEGABOGUE IN COURT AFTER CONCERT RAMPAGE e
|
|
r
|
|
Contraversy continues to dog heavy-metal band Megabogue. After the e
|
|
concert riot during their recent "Guns And Bogans" tour, some fans
|
|
involved in it have begun legal proceedings against them. During the w
|
|
concert, rhythm guitarist Vimmy "The Thorn" Halen went into a wild e
|
|
frenzy and attacked members of the audience who he claimed had quite
|
|
clearly been listening to the music. Vimmy took a conveniently placed a
|
|
machete and jumped into the audience, chopping three people up into r
|
|
small pieces. He was aided by security staff, one of whom commented e
|
|
later "yeah well, the band pay our wages."
|
|
The rest of the band joined in the fighting, including drummer a
|
|
Slasher Rists, who, though having lost his arms and legs in a 95 car g
|
|
pile-up during a tour of Toxic Custard #15, managed to bite several ears a
|
|
off. Including, with some difficulty, one of his own. i
|
|
Bonk Mee, the peaceful and laid-back poet, lyricist, bass player and n
|
|
shouter of the band hit people over the head with his guitar, while ,
|
|
Harry "Headbanger" Wall, the lead guitarist, got some explosives out of
|
|
his sports bag and blew up the entire concert hall. y
|
|
After an interval, the concert continued. o
|
|
u
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
a
|
|
TONY: Okay.. welcome to It's A Knockout, Helen. Are you nervous? n
|
|
d
|
|
HELEN: A little, Tony, yes.
|
|
I
|
|
TONY: Good, 'cos if I were in your shoes, I'd be bloody terrified. What .
|
|
you have to do is, dressed as a killer whale, climb this
|
|
forty-foot tower, jump from the top into the Jacuzzi at the M
|
|
bottom, climb out, operate on yourself to your wounds without the e
|
|
aid of any painkillers, die, get buried in the Celebrity Graveyard ,
|
|
over there, resurrect yourself, walk through two hundred metres of
|
|
marshland without sinking, fly to the moon and back with the aid w
|
|
of only a small potato, burst the balloons which are pumped full r
|
|
of poison gas, then, balancing a two-ton slice of birthday cake on i
|
|
your head, run the three-hundred kilometres to the finish line? t
|
|
Got that? i
|
|
n
|
|
HELEN: I think so Tony, yes. g
|
|
|
|
TONY: [To audience] You're watching "Celebrity It's A Knockout". Be with t
|
|
us after the break when we watch our special guest Helen Keller h
|
|
attempt to complete the course. i
|
|
s
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
d
|
|
Coming soon r
|
|
i
|
|
Stallone / Schwarzenegger / Norris / Eastwood v
|
|
e
|
|
in l
|
|
,
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Death Massacre Commando Squad Revenge Blood Killing Mission (PG) a
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------- n
|
|
d
|
|
90 minutes of death, blood, guts and violence,
|
|
with minimal dialogue and plot thrown in. y
|
|
o
|
|
Special school holiday prices available. u
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
|
|
e
|
|
From wiseacre@josiah.rc Sat Jun 13 14:06:37 1991 a
|
|
Date: Sat, June 13 91 14:06:25 +1000 d
|
|
From: Father H Wiseacre <wiseacre@josiah.rc> i
|
|
To: marye@jerusalem.rc n
|
|
Subject: Re: Peace be with you g
|
|
|
|
Dear Sister Mary, i
|
|
t
|
|
Thanks for your mail. I bring grave tidings today. I have been informed .
|
|
by the police that one of the young boys from the orphanage has been
|
|
arrested on suspicion of arson. They say that after the football game
|
|
last week against the local school, where the orphans lost by 3 points,
|
|
he went and torched the school. I of course assured them that the boy in
|
|
question, young Brian Hitler, could not have done such a thing, and in P
|
|
fact is a paragon of virtue, apart from that incident at the synagogue a
|
|
last year. t
|
|
h
|
|
I'm glad to hear that the orphans are coping with their change of diet e
|
|
due to lack of funds. Early next week I'll be dropping in with something t
|
|
for them; a little abandoned puppy-dog we found last week. I do hope i
|
|
they like it. Kind regards, c
|
|
,
|
|
Father Harry
|
|
-- i
|
|
wiseacre@josiah.rc s
|
|
"In the beginning, there was darkness." Genesis 1:1 n
|
|
'
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
|
|
This has another wide, sprawling edition of Toxic Custard.
|
|
Numbers 1 to 50 are now available on anonymous ftp from: i
|
|
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] in pub/tcwf t
|
|
coombs.anu.edu.au [130.56.96.2] in pub/TCWF ?
|
|
or via e-mail; send mail to archive-server@cs.widener.edu saying
|
|
help to get full details, or index tcwf for a list of TCWF. H
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a
|
|
The future of Rocket Roger remains doubtful. To ensure he v
|
|
doesn't return, send e-mail to rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu e
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
a
|
|
Calendiar, almost forgotten by now, trudged into view. Who would read
|
|
his exploits back here, at the end? He would be better to return the n
|
|
week after, in a more significant spot in the file. If he could be i
|
|
bothered at all. Thus surrealist stuff wasn't really leading anywhere. c
|
|
Or was it? Did anyone know? Did anyone care? "I'll be back - that's a e
|
|
promise", he muttered.
|
|
-- w
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen e
|
|
-- e
|
|
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | "Natasha. I.. I.. I have been k
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | queueing with another woman." .
|
|
-----------------------------------------+
|
|
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu THE RUSSIAN SOAP-OPERA
|
|
|
|
Calendiar knew this was an emergency. He had to get back into the Toxic I
|
|
Custard Workshop Files. He had no choice - in an emergency, there is f
|
|
nothing else to be done. He called the File Brigade.
|
|
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
I
|
|
#### # # Individually \ B \ Number 54 - 22nd July 1991
|
|
# # # Wrapped \ O P \ Written by Daniel Bowen d
|
|
### #### Toxic \ N A \ tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu i
|
|
# # Custards \ U C \ Special thanks to Lori Boren d
|
|
### #-------------------\ S K \--------------------------------- n
|
|
'
|
|
Once more back in a prominent position (on top of a pedestal in the t
|
|
middle of Swanston Street), Calendiar crowed gloatingly. Then he
|
|
sparrowed. Then he ducked, as someone started throwing fruit at him, in t
|
|
an attempt to dislodge him. Calendiar decided to continue in the duck h
|
|
vain, and to duck like a duck that's ducking after having been shot i
|
|
during the duck season. He moved downwards, fast. Until he reached the n
|
|
ground, where he slowed down a bit, blending not entirely successfully k
|
|
into the crowd.
|
|
a
|
|
Finally, he had a mission. He was on the hunt. He was looking. For n
|
|
ingredients. Not plain, ordinary ingredients, and not exciting y
|
|
expensive ones either. In fact, all were far from expensive. All were o
|
|
dirt cheap. *Dirt* cheap. And yet, dirt was nowhere on the list. A list n
|
|
of foodstuffs. Correction. A list of stuff, some of which could be e
|
|
loosely described as food. Some were common, some not so common.
|
|
r
|
|
For instance: e
|
|
- A horse tongue a
|
|
- A truckload of used potato peelings d
|
|
- Two truckloads of offal
|
|
- 3 feet from a turtle t
|
|
and so on. You get the general idea. The mission had been given to h
|
|
Calendiar, he incorrectly presumed, by Scottish Intelligence.. because e
|
|
his contact's surname was Mc something.. In fact Calendiar was on a s
|
|
top-secret mission collecting the ingredients for McDonald's Chicken e
|
|
McNuggets.
|
|
b
|
|
Calendiar looked suspiciously at the crowd nearby. A demonstration i
|
|
of the Surrealists for Humanity In Today's Society group were t
|
|
demonstrating loudly in the street, over a member of theirs being s
|
|
sacked from the position of media court-room sketch-artist, for ,
|
|
painting the defendant in a fraud case with a little too much zeal. If
|
|
the surrealists had their way, Calendiar thought, he'd be back in w
|
|
Tobago investigating ostriches killed by bananas. He was determined - o
|
|
there would be no more bananas in his adventures. Calendiar ignored u
|
|
surrealists, and waltzed penetratingly the other way down the l
|
|
Strelitzia. d
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I
|
|
|
|
Parents' groups have protested against the recent trend of nice movies b
|
|
coming out of Hollywood. They compiled a list of 270 nice acts in the o
|
|
latest Disney movie, "Bambi and John Go Out To Play In The Garden". t
|
|
A spokesman for concerned parents, Martin Believable, commented. h
|
|
"How on earth can we teach our kids to grow up to become psychopathic e
|
|
killers if they're constantly subjected to all this niceness? In this r
|
|
latest Disney film, there is not one machine-gun murder. No crazed
|
|
axe-killings, and not even a serial rapist." p
|
|
Mr Believable quoted a recent case where as a direct result of u
|
|
viewing the Bambi film, a child in Florida in the United States had t
|
|
shared a packet of sweets with another child. t
|
|
"This is tragedy in the making. When will the film-producers i
|
|
realise what they're doing to society?", said Mr Believable, before n
|
|
going home to kill his wife. g
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
|
|
h
|
|
From: marye@jerusalem.rc Sat Jul 20 10:54:23 1991 e
|
|
Date: Sat, 20 Jul 91 10:54:07 +1000 m
|
|
From: Sister Mary Existentiala <marye@jerusalem.rc>
|
|
To: wiseacre@josiah.rc i
|
|
Subject: Re: Peace be with you n
|
|
?
|
|
Dear Father Harry,
|
|
|
|
Thank you for the mail, grave though it was. I'm quite concerned about
|
|
little Brian's court appearance, but I am sure the Lord will take care
|
|
of it all (lest Brian release those photos of the Lord's wife and
|
|
you-know-who to the papers...One would think that the wife of a public
|
|
official would exercise more discretion!) Ah well, "judge not, that ye
|
|
might be judged".
|
|
|
|
The orphans were delighted with the puppy.
|
|
Y
|
|
It's amazing what Sister Cook can do with just a simple casserole... e
|
|
reminds me of the parable of the loaves and fishes. s
|
|
,
|
|
Father, I must go...I hear screaming in the courtyard. What have those
|
|
children got up to now, I wonder. I
|
|
|
|
God bless, w
|
|
o
|
|
Mary Existentiala u
|
|
-- l
|
|
marye@jerusalem.rc d
|
|
.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
This has another silly edition of Toxic Custard. Numbers 1 to 50
|
|
are now available on anonymous ftp from:
|
|
ftp.cs.widener.edu [192.55.239.132] in pub/tcwf
|
|
coombs.anu.edu.au [130.56.96.2] in pub/TCWF
|
|
or via e-mail; send mail to archive-server@cs.widener.edu saying
|
|
help to get full details, or index tcwf for a list of TCWF.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I
|
|
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen t
|
|
-- h
|
|
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | "We're all out stuffing i
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | ourselves silly at the n
|
|
-----------------------------------------+ moment. Please leave a k
|
|
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu message after the burp." .
|
|
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
MSG-FREE TOXIC CUSTARD
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hello dear readers.
|
|
|
|
Please reach over to your screen, and turn the brightness control up.
|
|
Yes.. just a bit higher... right to the full brightness. Very good.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOXIC CUSTARD IS LOOKING BRIGHTER THAN EVER!!
|
|
---------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
################--################--TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES--------- Y
|
|
### ### Number 55 - Monday 29th July 1991 e
|
|
############## ############## B O N U S P A C K s
|
|
##### ##### Written by Daniel Bowen ,
|
|
##############----##############-------------------tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---
|
|
i
|
|
C'N'D - TIN AND ALUMINIUM t
|
|
'
|
|
Prince Charles and Princess Diana apparently plan to celebrate their s
|
|
tenth wedding anniversary today (Monday) with a quick 3-course snack in
|
|
the ecologically sound Buckingham Palace drive-thru restaurant. Toxic T
|
|
Custard attempted to speak to the couple recently in London and o
|
|
Gloucestershire by interrupting one of their phone conversations: x
|
|
i
|
|
TCWF: Hi guys, we just wanted to congratulate you on your anniversary! c
|
|
|
|
Charles: No, I'm not coming up to London. C
|
|
u
|
|
TCWF: Hello? I said we'd like to congratulate you! s
|
|
t
|
|
Diana: Why not? a
|
|
r
|
|
TCWF: Can you hear me? d
|
|
|
|
Charles: Because the architecture is terrible! o
|
|
n
|
|
TCWF: What's wrong with this thing? Hello? c
|
|
e
|
|
Diana: Well, I'm not going down there, it's all so bloody slow and rural.
|
|
a
|
|
TCWF: Hold on, if I press this button... g
|
|
a
|
|
Charles: How about a compromise deal? i
|
|
n
|
|
TCWF: I don't think they can hear me. .
|
|
|
|
Diana: Such as? S
|
|
o
|
|
TCWF: Hell, that bloke from British Telecom was sure this would work. m
|
|
e
|
|
Charles: Well, there's a rather nice pub in High Wycombe.
|
|
p
|
|
TCWF: What if I.. e
|
|
o
|
|
Diana: Sounds ideal. p
|
|
l
|
|
TCWF: Damn, I shouldn't have hit it on the table.. e
|
|
|
|
Charles: Okay, see you there around midday. s
|
|
h
|
|
TCWF: It's completely knackered now. o
|
|
w
|
|
Diana: Sure. Ciao.
|
|
r
|
|
[a pause] e
|
|
m
|
|
TCWF: Hello? Damn, they've hung-up. a
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
|
|
k
|
|
The new Mitsanyasonic FU1000C-KED Hi-Fi HQ S-VHS PIP NTSC/PAL VCR, with SP a
|
|
and LP, and featuring: b
|
|
l
|
|
- a 50 key remote control; not a poofy remote with 5 buttons and an LCD, e
|
|
this is a MAN'S remote control. All the power to blow up your video at
|
|
the press of a button. p
|
|
e
|
|
- No sissy barcode timer settings, this baby takes 5 hours just to set r
|
|
the clock! s
|
|
i
|
|
- Tape-munching button for rental tapes you think are a rip-off. s
|
|
t
|
|
- Digital effects, allowing you to slice off Bill Collins' head and chop a
|
|
up the rest of him on screen. n
|
|
c
|
|
- Audio dub, for dubbing decent music over your sister's heavy metal e
|
|
music videos.
|
|
w
|
|
- Revolutionary "tape vomit" eject system, which propels the tape across h
|
|
the livingroom into your hand. e
|
|
n
|
|
MITSANYASONIC
|
|
See me * Hear me * Fiddle with my jog/shuttle dial r
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
|
|
a
|
|
If you go down to the street today, d
|
|
You're in for a big surprise. i
|
|
If you go down to the street today, n
|
|
You'd better go in disguise. g
|
|
For everyone that ever there was,
|
|
Will run from there, today, because t
|
|
Today's the day h
|
|
There's a loony with a machiiiiiine gun. e
|
|
s
|
|
Fred Daly went to the street today, e
|
|
Armed with a bloody big gun.
|
|
Fred Daly went to the street today, s
|
|
Convinced he was Attila the hun. i
|
|
He'd seen a Rambo film once too much, d
|
|
Then gone down the street to fulfil his grudge, e
|
|
Today's the day w
|
|
He's decided to kill everybo-o-o-o-dy. a
|
|
y
|
|
Clever little Fred Daly, s
|
|
Has got his ma-chine gun,
|
|
Due to the slack gun laws. m
|
|
e
|
|
He'll be runn-ing round the woods, s
|
|
Blasting everything he sees, s
|
|
Because he thinks he should. a
|
|
g
|
|
Fred went to a big gun shop, e
|
|
And brought himself a gun, s
|
|
Because he is allowed to-o-o-o. .
|
|
|
|
Now everybody's running for their lives, Y
|
|
'Cos they see Fred with madness in his eyes, o
|
|
They're scared shitless little teddy bears. u
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - '
|
|
r
|
|
From wiseacre@josiah.rc Thu Jul 25 14:06:36 1991 e
|
|
Date: Thu, July 25 91 14:06:24 +1000
|
|
From: Father H Wiseacre <wiseacre@josiah.rc> o
|
|
To: marye@jerusalem.rc b
|
|
Subject: Re: Peace be with you v
|
|
i
|
|
Dear Sister Mary, o
|
|
u
|
|
Imagine my surprise when hearing of the news that a local shop has s
|
|
donated a new VCR and television to the orphanage. When I confirmed it l
|
|
with the proprietor, he glanced nervously at some of the orphans who were y
|
|
nearby (with their baseball bats, ready for the next game), and hastily
|
|
nodded confirmation of the donation. o
|
|
n
|
|
I am delighted to say that the orphans have been putting this equipment e
|
|
to good use; having found them watching an educational film called
|
|
"Chainsaw of Lust" whilst looking for you late yesterday. I didn't see o
|
|
any of the film myself, but they looked enthalled in it. I must dash- I f
|
|
have to see what the two policemen who have just walked in want.
|
|
t
|
|
Father Harry h
|
|
-- e
|
|
wiseacre@josiah.rc m
|
|
"In the beginning, there was darkness." Genesis 1:1 .
|
|
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
'Tis claimed that this was another Toxic Custard Workshop File.
|
|
Back-issues are now available; e-mail for details.
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
|
--
|
|
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Toxic Custard.
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia |
|
|
-----------------------------------------+ It's not all over
|
|
TCWF -- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu yet. Trust me.
|
|
--
|
|
|
|
Israel has declined to join in Middle East peace-talks proposed by the
|
|
US, not, they say, because they refuse to negotiate, but because they
|
|
have been invited to a party that night, and they know it's a DREADFUL
|
|
bore, but they did promise to go.
|
|
A second date proposed for peace-talks had to be scrapped when Jordan
|
|
said they couldn't arrange a baby-sitter in time. The United States has
|
|
now countered these rejections by saying that for the talks to go ahead,
|
|
everyone must behave, like Syria. Any tantrums, and it'll be called off,
|
|
and each misbehaving party will have its bottom soundly smacked. Israel
|
|
immediately began sulking, the PLO moaned, and Lebanon said it wouldn't
|
|
go unless it got a lollypop and an icecream. Israel took one of Lebanon's
|
|
lollypops in 1967; the Israeli government have refused to hand it back.
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
|
May be copied or reproduced without permission
|
|
provided this notice remains intact.
|
|
--
|
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
|
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|