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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
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***********************FORTY-ONE TO FORTY-FIVE******************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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______________________________________________________________________________
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And the world looks just the same
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******* **** * * ****** Number 41
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* * * * * 25th March 1991
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* * * * * **** Rating: Below average
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* * * * * * *
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* **** * * * Written by Mr Luxury-Yacht
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TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Dear customer,
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Congratulations on the purchase of your new camel.
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This is the amazing new model C-5000 camel. Especially developed for the
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lunatic with the technological edge over the rest of the asylum. Your new
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camel has been manufactured and tested by the supreme commander of Allied
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moustaches in Washington DC. Please read this manual carefully, it will save
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you a great deal of time, money and bloodshed in the future. Here are some
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important tips to read, before using your C-5000 Camel. This advice tells
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you what to do if-
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- if your camel suddenly dies, leaving you in the middle of the desert with
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no food or water or other supplies-: Not a lot.
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- if your camel suddenly dies, leaving you in the middle of the dessert in
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a very good restaurant-: Call the head-waiter and ask him to have
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the camel carcass removed.
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- if your camel unexpectedly has a break-down-: Call a specialised camel
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psychiatrist and repair-man immediately. A full list of authorised
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service organisations is included in the special supplement which
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is mysteriously missing from this package.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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VIDEO-RIP-OFF STORES - OUR VIDEO GUIDE
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Our video reviews have a key, as follows.
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***** Completely and utterly brilliant, borrow it every week for the
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next five years.
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**** Excellent viewing, borrow it lots of times.
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*** Most enjoyable viewing.
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** Worth watching - borrow it once, at least.
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* Absolutely bloody awful, but well worth spending $3 on borrowing
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it to see just how awful it is.
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In addition, all movies are rated according to content:
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(C) - Children's viewing... plonk them in front of this and it'll
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keep 'em quiet for a few seconds.
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(G) - General viewing... the stuff you borrow when your parents/grandparents
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have come to stay.
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(PG) - Parental guidance; may have minor itsy bitsy scenes of suggested sex
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and violence. See (C)
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(M) - Mature viewing (15 and over). May have quite crude language (anything
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except the C word), quite a bit of sex and violence, but
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the kids will love it, even if it does scare them shitless.
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See (C).
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(R) - Restricted viewing (18 and over). Contains scenes of vile and filthy
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language, orgiastic sex and/or gratituous violence with
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people and/or animals being torn apart with blood and guts
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everywhere. See (C).
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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POLICE AND FIRE-FIGHTERS' OLYMPICS
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It has been announced that the 1994 Police and Fire-Fighters' Olympics
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will be held in Melbourne, Australia; the first time this event has been
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held outside North America. Police spokesman Inspector Unnecessary-Violence
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said a number of new police events will be inaugurated:
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- syncronised drug-raids
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- moving armed-target shooting
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- the 110 metre crowd-control hurdles
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- the 52x400 metre relay truncheon-beating (this event will be the first
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from the games to be televised around the world)
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- incorrect suspect shooting
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- the 400 metre interrogation and forced confession
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- smashing down doors with axes
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The Fire brigade will also be introducing some new events:
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- the high-jump assisted by long ladder
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- the long-distance rescue from a burning building
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- smashing down doors with axes
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Ladies, gentlemen, a toast please, to the forty-first Toxic
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Custard Workshop File. Now available, volume 1 of the
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bestestestest of TCWF. Mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for
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details. Discerning readers who considered this TCWF to
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be a good vintage may also marvel at the equisite taste
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of Rocket Roger. This week - Roger battles the evil forces
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of the injoke-a-troids. Mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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for details.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Please note: rumours are afoot about charges to be made on
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network e-mail. This may effect TCWF; stand-by for details.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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______________________________________________________________________________
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A NOTICE TO ALL USERS OF INTERNET FROM THE INTERNET ADMINISTRATION COMMITTEE.
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The recent increase in mail activity around areas of Usenet, Janet, Bitnet,
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Aarnet and other associated networks on Internet has caused some concern.
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Because of the high amount of traffic, it has been decided that from the
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beginning of April 1991, all users wishing to use mail will be charged a
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weekly subscription rate. This will entitle the user to send five items a
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month; any additional items will be charged for, the charge depending on the
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user's location. In addition, all users will be charged for NetNews articles
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they post, depending on length of the item. Further charges on ftp, telnet
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and other activities are yet to be discussed.
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Because of the number of different currencies used by various people on
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Internet, and the fluctuating values of these currencies, it has been decided
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that the unit of currency on Internet used for paying for e-mail will be
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old orange-peels. To be authenticated, you must take your orange-peels
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to your system administrator, who will, for a standard fee, rubber-stamp
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the peels for use as Internet currency to pay for network services.
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Alternatively, you may participate in the Internet credit-card scheme,
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NerdCard. When using Internet, all you need to do is quote your NerdCard
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number and password, and your account will be adjusted accordingly.
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As the Internet is often seen as many nodes being poles apart, these charges
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will be known as the Pole Tax.
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TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
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SPECIAL HOLY ISSUE (lots of holes in it)
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NUMBER 42, 1ST APRIL 1991 (which commemorates some day or other, doesn't it?
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I forget now.)
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WRITTEN BY DANIEL BOWEN. tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*A MESSAGE FOR EASTER FROM THE MEN OF THE CLOTH*
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Moses did bring down the commandments. And the Lord did reveal unto him
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the ways of holiness. Moses did tell all the people, that it should be
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known and practised by all. And the secrets were thus:
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Printed fabric is always liable to retain a small amount of surface dye
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especially on deep colours. PELACO 3:11
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Before wearing it is recommended that the garment be washed separately
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to remove any surface dye which may be present. PELACO 3:12
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The devil is carefree! He just throws everything in the washing machine!
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Let all be warned; if you ignore the Lord's warning about the laundry,
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not only will you end up in hell for eternity, but your underpants will
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come out purple.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Rodney Franks, leader of the cult church group Rod for God, have announced
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a new initiative to get The Word across to the masses. They plan a chain of
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drive-thru confessional booths in major cities across America. We interviewed
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Rodney at his Alabama mansion err convent.
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"We have to find new ways of getting people back to the Church" he said.
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"The young people of today must realise that they can be holy AND have fun
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sinning, as long as they confess afterwards. By opening our booths 24 hours
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a day, it allows people to indulge in pleasures of the flesh in their cars at
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night on secluded roads with kinky underwear or whatever disgusting but
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rather fun behaviour they get up to, and to confess about it straight
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afterwards."
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According to some sources, the Rod for God group will also be asking the
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police department to help stamp-out dangerous driving by installing road-signs
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saying "Thou shalt not exceed 40 MPH".
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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EASTER
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The past weekend is an important occasion for Christians, but why the link
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between religion and rabbits and Easter-eggs? Our raving reporter Arnold
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Psychopath has been looking into this and has discovered that God is in fact
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a chicken. He tracked God down to a small farm north of Ballarat, and
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interviewed the owner of the farm, Mr Ronald Christ.
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"Yes, in fact God is a rather old chicken, who lives in one of the
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hutches at the eastern end of the farm", Ronald confessed. "The chocolate
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eggs thing just seemed like a good idea at the time. The rabbit link comes
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from God's good mate (Saint) Peter Rabbit, named after the Beatrix Potter
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character, who also lives down that end of the farm. We had thought of
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selling God to Kentucky Fried Chicken, but Kentucky Fried God doesn't quite
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have the same ring to it. Besides, I don't fancy a few lightning bolts
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hitting the farm - it is the bushfire season right now you know."
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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I suppose you were expecting me to make a big
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song and dance about it being number 42? No
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such luck. I mean, it would have been taking
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a very cheap opportunity to have some obscure
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reference to an old radio series, just by
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making stupid jokes about the ultimate
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question. The closest thing you'll get to that
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from here could be the amazing adventures of
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ROCKET ROGER. Just mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.
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mit.edu for details.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Next week: The ultimate quagmire. The best
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of TCWF vol 1 (1-30) is now available. All
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responsibility for this crap is taken by the
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very boring tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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(Douglas Adams? Never 'eard of 'im)
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______________________________________________________________________________
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--Hey, it's number 42, can we have lots of Hitch Hikers references?
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-----You fool, that was last week!
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--You mean we missed it? Damn.
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-----Well, I s'pose we could... erm.. How about this?
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# # ##### ## +--TOXIC------------+ by Daniel Bowen
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# # # # # | CUSTARD | tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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##### ##### ##### # | WORKSHOP +-----------+
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# # # # | FILES |
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----#-#####--------###-+ Number 42+1, 8th April 1991 +----------------------
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--No, that's totally useless.
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-----You sure? I kind of liked it.
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--No, it's garbage. Scrap it.
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-----Ah, okay then. Try again.
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# # ##### +--TOXIC----------+ by Daniel Bowen
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# # # | CUSTARD | tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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##### ##### | WORKSHOP +-----------+--Special thanks to---------------
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# # | FILES | Lori Boren
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----#-#####--+ Number 43, 8th April 1991 +----------------------------------
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--Much better
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-----Yes, you're right
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LOOK, WILL YOU TWO PISS OFF? RIGHT. NOW I CAN GET ON WITH IT.
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HELLO! YOU DISTANTLY RELATED COUSIN'S GOAT OF A BAVARIAN MOUSE-TRAP
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INSURANCE ASSESSMENT AGENT.
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And if you'd like to see about insurance for your Bavarian mouse-trap, call
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TrapInsurance today. They will give you a free quote, and can also offer a
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range of policies on used biro lids, old batteries and three-week-old
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newspaper supplements.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Having trouble keeping appointments? Can't remember what time the invasion is
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scheduled for? Trying to keep track of the massacred? Want to find the best
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type of fuel for burning down parliament buildings? Try the new THIRD REICH
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1000 YEAR DIARY PLANNER - as used by 9 out of 10 dictators.
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It has ample room to contain all the information you and your followers
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need to know. Space to store attack formations, rally appearances and kinky
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sexual liaisons. Plus a bonus informative section containing full details of
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how to run a totalitarian country. It's all there - gaining power, media
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manipulation, looking good in the eyes of the West, civilian genocide on the
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quiet and annexing for beginners.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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"A Midsummer-Night's Dream", Act 1, Scene 2.
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QUINCE: ... you must needs play Pyramus.
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BOTTOM: Well, I will undertake it. What beard were I best to play it in?
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QUINCE: Why, what you will.
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BOTTOM: I will discharge it in either your straw-colour beard, your
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orange-tawny beard, your purple-in-grain beard, or your
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French-crown-colour beard, your perfect yellow.
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QUINCE: Quite a choice, but have you seen the new range at Beard City?
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BOTTOM: Nay, I have not.
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QUINCE: The Winter season's beards have just arrived at Beard City, and
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if you come in now, we'll give you five beards for the price of
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four. And not only that, but you can check out our large range of
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false moustaches.
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BOTTOM: But hast thou a beard for Pyramus?
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QUINCE: Sir, we have the largest range of beards in the southern
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hemisphere! From our bargain Chadwick and Hinch models, right up
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to the classical Da Vinci style and the top of the range - the
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Jesus.
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BOTTOM: I fear for the quality and steadfastness of the product.
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QUINCE: Fear not, our beards are made to last! Beard City's beards are made
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of only the finest materials, constructed under supervision by expert
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craftsmen! And our beards come with a lifetime guarantee!
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+-----BEARD CITY - BEARDS FOR THE CONNOISSEUR-----+
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|If this beard proves to be defective in |
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|materials or workmanship, it will be replaced. |
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|Note: Beard City will not be liable for any |
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|injury, loss or damage, direct or consequential, |
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|arising out of the improper use of, or the |
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|inability to use, this beard. |
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| |
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|Beard City recommend and stock sharp razorblades!|
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+-------------------------------------------------+
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BEARD CITY - "Keep your chin warm this winter" sale, now on!
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Biggest range, best prices, all sizes available.
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4 Napier Street, Essendon
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Phone 370-5538 or 375-2999
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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TCWF this week is brought to you by Beard City.
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Next week, a load of crap. Now (still) available,
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the Bestest(etc)est of TCWF Vol 1. To get your
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copy, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Some would call it space-junk, but the author (who
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is holding a loaded pencil to my head) prefers to
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call it Rocket Roger. To subscribe, mail him
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at rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Mediocre
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_________
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| ______ \ \ \ \ Spa date: 15th April 1991
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| / \ \/ \ \/ Location: The planet Plagiar
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| | \ / ___ \ /\ \ /\ Mission: Yes
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| | \ /\ / | \/ \ \/ \ Agent: No thanks, I just ate
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| \______ \/ \/ |-- \ \ Due date: Tomorrow. Late fine
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Toxic Custard Workshop Files 44 /--\-----\ \ is 50 cents/day. After 7
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15th April 1991 |SPOT THE| days, borrowing privileges
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Written by Mr Luxury-Yacht |IN-JOKE!| will be suspended.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - \--------/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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We would just like to point out that it was
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suggested that the end bit be put here for
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once, to try and fool everyone into thinking
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that there was nothing in this week's TCWF.
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Oh, come on, do you really think anyone would
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be fooled? Not bloody likely.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Attention Frankston line passengers. The 4:38pm train to Frankston is
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running twenty minutes late due to the driver having decided to stop at
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Armadale and clip his toenails. Besides which, staff at Metropolitan Train
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Control felt a bit thirsty and have all gone to Young & Jacksons for
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drinkies. In addition to this, staff at this station have been working a
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double-shift, and are consequently going home as they are absolutely
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buggered. There will be no trains tomorrow due to most of the staff being
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extremely pissed off with management, and going to the Australian Railway
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Union picnic in the Royal Botanical Gardens, instead of turning up to run
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the train system.
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Metropolitan Transit apologises for any inconvenience.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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- Good morning, Toningwash Body-bank, Spare-parts division; Lance Oribone
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speaking.
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--- Hello. I lost my nose on the 4:34 city-bound train yesterday, and I
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was wondering if it had been handed in?
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- Well sir, let me just check the files... a leg... a couple of toes...
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five arms including a matching pair... and one ear. No, I'm sorry
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sir, I don't think we have your nose.
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--- Oh dear. I was very attached to it.
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- May I suggest ringing around some other establishments who may have
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received your nose? You could try the Eltteas General Hospital,
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or perhaps the National Association of Nose Collectors, who I
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believe have a very large collection.
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--- Well, thank you for your help. I wonder if one of them could have it?
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- Who knows?
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--- Oh ha ha ha, very bloody funny.
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- I'm not surprised; you'd better get a band-aid.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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TERRORIST ATTACK ON CONVENTION
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A terrorist bomb attack on the Inaugural World Convention Of Traffic Wardens
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has resulted in the deaths of over 200 traffic wardens. Some 3000 terrorist
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organisations have claimed their involvement in the attack, obviously
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wanting to take all the credit. The bomb, which was planted in a car, was
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set off by a traffic warden lifting one of the windscreen wipers to place
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a ticket on the car. Political and public outrage has centred on why the
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attack didn't kill more traffic wardens. I mean, if you've got the nasty
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little creeps all in one building like that, surely a bomb actually set
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off within the building would be better for getting rid of all of them?
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Except the ones patrolling the carpark outside, still, perhaps a sniper
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for them... or if we poisoned the catering? Oh no, I forgot, they aren't
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human, the poison might not work. A booby trap in the hotel lobby could be
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a better idea; with flying knives... no, no, a specially designed spear
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that could drop onto their beds while they're asleep... What do you
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mean the RSPCA will object?!?
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lot of people
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This is the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Well, have enquired as
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that's about all we've got time for this week. to why this side
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We'll be back next week with number 45. of the screen is
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ not used during
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Now (still) available is the bestestest of TCWF these plugs and
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Volume 1; mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu so on. Oh, well,
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to receive it. okay then, no-one
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ asked. It was just
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Under new galactic legislation, we are required a silly idea to
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to provide a plug for the increasing boredom of fill in a bit of
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Rocket Roger - The Space Operetta. To receive space, that's all.
|
|
it, mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu Sorry for the
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ intrusion.
|
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|
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Good evening, it's 8:30 on W-TV, Arizona's only 24 hour weather TV station!
|
|
Next we've got the weather for Arizona, followed by the weather for Arizona,
|
|
and after that, the weather for Arizona. At 9pm, there's the weather for
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Arizona, the weather for Arizona, and the weather for Arizona. This will be
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followed by the extended weather report for Arizona at 9:30. At 10pm it's
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International Hour, and we'll have weather reports from around the world,
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including Arizona, Melbourne Australia, Arizona, Halifax Canada, Arizona,
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Warrington England, Arizona, outer Mongolia, and finally, Arizona. Note that
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all Centigrade temperatures are accompanied by Fahrenheit subtitles. And
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don't think it's bedtime then, because all night on the Weather station we've
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got Arizona weather reports.
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And now, here is the weather for Arizona. Arizona will be bloody hot. More
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weather right after this break.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Looks a bit pretentious doesn't it?
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WARNING:
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This mail can be
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dangerous for the brain.
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It has already left the
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author braindead.
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##-------##--##########--T---O---X---I---C---------C---U---S---T---A---R---D--+
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## ## ## |
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########### ########## W O R K S H O P F I L E S |
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| ## ## |
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| ## ## N u m b e r 4 5 - 2 2 n d A p r i l 1 9 9 1|
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| ## ########## by Mr Luxury-Yacht tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|
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+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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The Whydeath International Megabucks Drugs Company is proud to announce new
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MagicPill. This exciting new development in medical care has been especially
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designed to cure lots of people of not a lot, and make huge amounts of
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money for us. MagicPill does have one slight side-effect which is that
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roughly 1 in 5 patients will experience sudden death under a lorry within
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15 seconds of swallowing the pill. We of course deny any link between these
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tragic occurrences and MagicPill. Because there is no link. In fact, we've
|
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never heard of this phenomenon. Where do you get these wild exaggerated claims
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from? This sort of illogical and unrationally moral accusation is totally
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unfounded, and unsupported by any scientific evidence that YOU can get your
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hands on.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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M E G A B O G U E !
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Megabogue have announced the forthcoming release of their new heavy-metal-
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opera. It's the story of a deaf, dumb and blind heavy-metal loving Englishman,
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and will be called "Pommy".
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"See me, feel me, touch me, bonk me senseless!"
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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It was true. The writer had forgotten him completely. Calendiar fought back
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the sea of tears like Moses on a good day, and made sure his cliche was
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loaded, before moving off down the hall towards the llama corpse. He bent
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down to find a used banana lying by it. Could it be, he thought, another
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of the infamous banana murders? How had they happened? Who was responsible?
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What did he care? He was just the caretaker. He had to get to the bottom of
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it, and he did. The bottom of the llama was fairly disgusting, as the bottoms
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of many mammals are. Especially when they're dead.
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Calendiar looked around. A telltale sign here... a small mark on the
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wall there... it was shocking. It definitely looked like a job for the
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Pine-o-Cleen. But Calendiar was in trouble. He was in very bad trouble.
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Not to put too fine a point on it, he was in bloody deep shit. It had vanished
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completely. Where was it? He looked around again. No sign. How in the hell was
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he supposed to clean up a dead llama, a used banana and all these telltale
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signs and small marks on the walls if he had no sponge?
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He listened.
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Footsteps.
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Shouting.
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Screaming.
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Yelling.
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Unbearable noise.
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Would those bloody neighbours never shut up?
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Calendiar rang the police five times to complain about the noise, and
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each time instead got the all-night Chicken Laundry place around the corner,
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whose prime place in the retail market of life was not domestic noise
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complaints. Not during the week, anyway.
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Calendiar sighed deeply, and wished it would all end.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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THE INTERNET PHONE BOOK OF SILLY PEOPLE
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Bestest of Toxic Custard... tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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The highly silly and lowly amusing adventures
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of Rocket Roger... rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Monash Caulfield/Frankston: Check out the Naked Wasp, Page 37
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Next week: Something else.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Right now: Golf Report.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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GOLF REPORT.
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(I'm sorry, that should read "GOLD REPORT". Try again.)
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GOLD REPORT.
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(Excellent, now get on with it.)
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Here is the gold report. A double-bogie has prevented Greg Norman from taking
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out the Melbourne Stock-Exchange charity cup for retired and unwanted
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destitute company directors. Doctors operated last night on his nose and
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removed the double-bogie, which was apparently blocking his nasal packages.
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Did I say packages? I meant passages.
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During the charity game, American golfer Freddy Holmstringer got an eagle
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on the fifth, which was barbecued and eaten on the seventh.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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--
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
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May be copied or reproduced without permission
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provided this notice remains intact.
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--
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Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
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----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|