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545 lines
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____________________________________________________________________________
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
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***********************PARTS SIXTEEN TO TWENTY******************************
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(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Sweet sixteen
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THE TWICE-WEEKLY==||== ||==|| || || || ||== Volume 1, Number 16
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|| || || === || || 15th October 1990
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|| ||==|| || || || ||==
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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COUNTRY NEWS:
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The RSPCA was called to an incident on a dairy-farm near Bendigo over
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the weekend. Apparently due to last week's Victorian milk-strike, many
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cows on the farm have not been milked since early last week. When cows
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are not milked, the milk builds up inside them and they expand, until
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the inevitable happens - they explode.
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This is apparently quite a site to behold, and TV news crews
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rushed north over the weekend to see if they could film a cow
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exploding for their evening news services.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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EDITORIAL
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Hello. This is the author here. Now, you may think that you are reading this on
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or about the 15th of October 1990, but I have a horrible secret to reveal. This
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file is NOT LIVE! Yes, I'm afraid that the Toxic Custard Workshop Files are
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TYPED several weeks in advance. In fact, it is 9:36pm Aust EST on Friday the
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28th of September! So, you're thinking, that's why he didn't rave about who won
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the AFL Grand Final, or how Saddam Hussein tongue-kissed George Bush at their
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summit meeting. Oh? They didn't have a meeting? Oh, I must have dreamed that.
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Right. Well, now my conscience is relaxed (despite my imagination being round
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the twist), on with the funny bits. Stuff it, I'm not in a funny mood tonight
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(two and a half weeks ago.) Why not recycle some old stuff (again). Naaah. Now
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that would be really dishonest. But why stop now? Tell you what, how about some
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new stuff on an old (mid '70s) theme?
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AND NOW A SPECIAL APPEAL FOR DONATIONS.
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It is a sad fact in today's world that a frightening number of male university
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lecturers dress unfashionably. For example, we surveyed a random sample of 153
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male lecturers.
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27% had long shirt collars
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5% wore flares
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32% said that they always wore brown
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46% admitted to wearing skivvies more than three days per week
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29% had beards but no moustaches
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When asked when they last purchased clothing
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11% hadn't this year
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22% hadn't in the last two years
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35% hadn't in the last five years
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16% couldn't remember
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But perhaps the most frightening statistic of all was the trouser department.
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87% were wearing corduroy trousers, 76% of which were brown
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This is a deplorable situation, which can only be solved by donations of
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clothing, money and fashion magazines. THESE PEOPLE NEED YOUR HELP NOW!
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And remember:
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"Jumpers are clothing's way of
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telling you to pull over...."
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THE PROCEEDS OF THE FOLLOWING COMMERCIAL SPACE HAVE BEEN DONATED
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TO THE "LECTURERS IN NEED OF A CLOTHING TRANSPLANT" APPEAL.
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____________________________________
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/ \
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| Life ... is brought to you by Coke |
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\____________________________________/
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AND NOW A QUICK COMPUTER JOKE
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" Life's a batch, then you DIR "
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_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
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Wasn't really very funny at all, was it? No. Fair enough. Maybe when I write
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the next episode I'll think of something funnier. THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS, NEW
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IMPROVED TOXIC CUSTARD 17 OUT ON 17TH OCTOBER.
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ROCKET ROGER. SUBSCRIBE. JUST DO IT, OKAY?@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@was actually wrong was that the screw that made the
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connection from the modem plug to the serial port was missing
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therefore there wasn't a strong connection
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therefore the modem would not work.
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NEXT WEEK KATHERINE FINDS A DISLODGED WIRE ON THE MOTHERBOA@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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****** ***** ********* ****** ******* ******** ********
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*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
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*** *** *** *** *** *** ******* ******* ********
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*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
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****** ***** *** ****** ******* ******** *** ***
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****** ********************
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****** ********************
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****** ******
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****** ******
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****** ******
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****** ******
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****** ****** THE TOXIC CUSTARD
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****** ****** WORKSHOP FILES#17
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Hello, good evening, and welcome to the seventeenth of
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October. And it looks like being one of the best
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seventeenths of October for some years. Our experts have
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been checking the records, and if their indications are
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anything to go by, this could be the greatest seventeenth
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of October since that memorable `October Seventeen' in
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1957. Even the great 17/10/63 will pale in comparison to
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today. The Guiness book of records section of October the
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seventeenths lists ten classics, and from the looks of it,
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this will rank among the top three.
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So, to celebrate what must certainly be the finest October
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17th in at least a decade, the first joke of episode 17 of
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THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES will be in STEREO (where
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available).
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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TCWF STEREO TEST TRANSMISSION EP#:17 TX DATE:17/10/90 JOKE#:1
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TESTING 1 2 3 CHANNEL#1 OK TESTING 1 2 3 CHANNEL#2 OK
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Joke#1: Joke#1:
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"I need a new friend. The "I need a new friend. The
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old one has a puncture." old one has a puncture."
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Well, so much for the test stereo transmission, now back to the
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ummm.. jokes. The following letter was written by a reader who
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wishes to remain anonymous.
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"You know, people often tell me how lucky I am, being God. But you
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know, being a deity isn't all it's cracked up to be. For instance,
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the hours are terribly long, and if you make one wrong move,
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millions of people whinge for months afterwards. Take that Salman
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Rushdie thing.
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Now, three days after `The Satanic Verses' came out, I was
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intending to blast him with a lightening bolt, just for a bit of
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fun, and to make the Christians panic. But whammo, I missed (had a
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bit too much holy water that night), and hit a chemical factory in
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Altona, Melbourne instead. Terrible mess. The Muslims were furious.
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Nobody in Melbourne minded though. Par for the course apparently.
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Anyway, the conditions are awful. Ever tried answering prayers from
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four million people at once? It got a bit easier when the answering
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machine was installed, but with population growth being so high,
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soon I'll need a whole switchboard. And the pay is atrocious. I
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haven't had a wage rise since 4000BC! And there's no chance of
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promotion. I've reached the top of the heap, you might say.
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Still, I s'pose it could be worse. At least I've got my American
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Express Gold Card now. And everybody knows my name..."
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___ ___ __ __ ___
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/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__ ISSUE 17
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/ \ H/__/E /__A / \D /L \/ I/__ N \/E \/ S___/ 17/10/90
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- MEGABOGUE IN SATANIC BACKWARDS SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE SCANDAL! - Details in a
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later issue
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- Megabogue, following the amputation of drummer Slasher Rists' arms and legs,
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are considering changing their name to "Lef Deppard".
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- Popular bands Them and the Kinks have merged to form "Thinks". A merger of
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their two most popular songs has also been agreed on. The combined version
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of "Gloria" and "Lola" will have a new chorus which goes "G L O L A".
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Following this, the new band will launch it's own soft-drink - "Glola
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Cola".
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COMING SOON TO THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES-
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- The jeally funny Jomeo & Ruliet roke
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- The not quite as funny gardening joke
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- A blatant plug for Rocket Roger (see below)
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YES THIS IS THE BLATANT ROCKET ROGER PLUG ALL WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS EVEN
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THOUGH THERE'S NOT MUCH POINT IN SUBSCRIBING NOW 'COS THE LAST EPISODE IS
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TOMORROW, SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I KNOW SOMEONE WHO
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RECKONS IT'S NOT VERY GOOD ALTHOUGH I DISAGREE WITH THAT, MAINLY 'COS THE
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AUTHOR (THE MAD SCRIBE) IS HOLDING A RATHER LARGE GUN TO MY HEAD AND ANYWAY, I
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FOUND SOME OF IT QUITE FUNNY ESPECIALLY THE BIT ABOUT GERIATRIC MUTANT NINJA
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TURTLES ANYWAY IF YOU WANT THE VERY LAST LAST LAST AND FINAL EPISODE MAIL
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rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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MONASH UNIVERSITY REF: T18-221090
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FACULTY OF TECHNOLOGY
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ELECTIVE SELECTION FOR 1991
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Due to the amalgamation of Chisholm Institute of Technology and Monash
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University, a number of new elective options have become available to students
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at the Caulfield and Frankston campuses. Brief details of some of these are
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given below. They are available to students in the following courses:
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Bach of Applied Science (Computing) (BP)
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Bach of Applied Science (Computing) / Bach of Business (Accounting) (BJ)
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Bach of Applied Science (Digital Technology) (BR)
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Students in other courses may also be able to join these subjects. They should
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enquire at their school administration office. Electives will be formally
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selected during re-enrollment for 1991.
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SUBJECT SUBJECT
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CODE DESCRIPTION
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------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------
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ADM130 Spouting managerial bullshit
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AUS401 Filling in Austudy application forms
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AUS402 Guessing when Austudy payment day is
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AUS403 Spending all the Austudy the day the payment comes through
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BOO182 Queueing up in the campus bookshop
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BOO203 Working out when to bring monumentally heavy books to tutes
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CAR383 Finding car-parking spaces within a mile of the campus
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ENV173 How to budget an environmental lobby group on $75,000 a year
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EXA323 Looking over people's shoulders in exams
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EXA327 Falsifying exam results
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FTP707 Finding really good FTP sites to download from
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GIF392 Viewing GIFs in public terminal rooms
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HIP371 How to financially manage a commune without getting all commercial
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and heavy but also without running out of bread
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ING438 Crashing Ingres
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LEC301 Insulting lecturers 1 - clothing part I
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LEC302 Insulting lecturers 2 - clothing part II
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LEC303 Insulting lecturers 3 - speech impediments
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LEC304 Entering lectures late without being noticed
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LEC305 Leaving lectures early without being noticed
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LEC310 Advanced lecture skipping
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LEC311 Paper-plane construction
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LEV501 Style on campus
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LIB202 Dodging the library alarm system
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LIB203 Queueing up for photo-copiers
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LIF274 Falling down lift-shafts
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LES201 Lesbian Rollerskaters' Workshop
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MET210 Dodging ticket collectors
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MET211 Getting to uni when there's a train strike and an assignment's due
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MET212 Train arrival estimation
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MET213 Bus arrival estimation
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MET214 Tram arrival estimation
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MET215 Giving up and getting a taxi
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MTY231 Monty Python quotes
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MTY331 Advanced Monty Python Quotes
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MUS372 Arguing over music 'cos they were really shit hot in concert honest...
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MUS373 Turning on the radio and oh no, it's bloody INXS `Suicide Blonde' again
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PHO505 Justifying long phone conversations
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PHO506 Justifying long modem sessions
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PHO511-520 Getting your modem working 1-10
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PHO521 Configuring the terminal
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PHO522 Finding a dial-in line that works
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PHO523 Finding a dial-in line that's not engaged
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PHO524 Giving up on the 1200/2400 lines and dialling a 300 baud line instead
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PHO525 Waiting in VICNET queues
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PHO526 Remembering your login password
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PLN472 Thinking up imaginative .PLANs
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PUB273 Beginners' pub brawling
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TAX261 Tax evasion
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PSY192 Spouting psychology bullshit
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PSY193 Guilt without sex
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PSY194 Psychopathic workshop
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SIG373 Thinking up imaginative .SIGNATUREs
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SFT112 Crappy Obselete Bloody Old Language programming
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SFT291 Software piracy
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SFT292 Finding the "quiet" option when playing games in public terminal rooms
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SFT391 Introductory virus implementation
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TER104 Finding a free terminal
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TER105 Finding a free and working terminal
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TOX018 Detecting when something serious looking is in fact Toxic Custard #18
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TOX221 Gaining new subscribers by mailing to random people (what me? never!)
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UNX111 Trying to make sense of Unix commands
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UNX112 Filling up your disk quota
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VAX302 Using up your VAX budget 1 - PHONEing people in the next room
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VAX303 Using up your VAX budget 2 - MAILing out garbage to lots of people
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VAX304 Pleading with system administation for an extension of your Vax budget
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All right, all right. It's only the TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP impersonating
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a very important Monash University notice. Well, I had to think of something...
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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You probably already know this, but to subscribe
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to this wacky boringness, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Give me a T! Give me a C! Give me a W! Give me a...no This issue
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############## ############ ## ## ############## features new
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## ### ## ## ## ## ` Double -
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## ## ## ## ## ############# Spacing', to
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## ### ## ## ## ## make it seem
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## ############ ####### ## longer.
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T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
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E P I S O D E N - N - N - N I N E T E E N 2 4 O C T 1 9 9 0
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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*THE FOLLOWING BIT IS PROUDLY SPONSORED BY W. SHAKESPEARE INTERNATIONAL PLC*
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He jests at scars that never felt a wound.
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But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
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WHAT?
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It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
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WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
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Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon
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IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!
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Who is already sick and pale with grief
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WILL YOU PISS OFF - WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP
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That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she
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I'M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...
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Be not her maid, since she is envious.
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I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN
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Her vestal livery is but sick and green
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WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?
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And none but fools do wear it: cast it off
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I'M GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL
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It is my lady, O it is my love
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LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND I'LL CALL THE POLICE
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O that she knew she were
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HELLO, POLICE?
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She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?
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THERE'S THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE
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Her eye discourses: I will answer it.
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HE'S BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER... SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE
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I am too bold: 'tis not to me she speaks.
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PROBABLY A STUDENT - YES... HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE
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Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
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WELL, HE'S GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING
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Having some business, do entreat her eyes
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THANK YOU OFFICER.
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To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
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RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?
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What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
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SHUT THE F*** UP!
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The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars
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OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.
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As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
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RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM
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Would through the airy region stream so bright
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WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?
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That birds would sing and think it were not night
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WELL I'M AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?
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See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
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OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION
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O that I were a glove upon that hand,
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RIGHT SONNY, THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT
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That I might touch that cheek
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YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE
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Let go of me arm, pig!
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* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Next in the literary splendour of Shakespeare's Workshop Files-:
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- Romeo And Juliet - A Court Case
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- we ask the question - just what compensation did Lady MacBeth receive?
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- And we follow Richard the Third in his search for a chiropractor.
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Okay, so this episode was a bit short, but it's not size that ... yeah okay...
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Gasp! As ROCKET ROGER rescues Juliet from the seven-headed
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monster of Blaargenwurst. Subscribe now. Oh, it's finished.
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Sorry, DON'T SUBSCRIBE! But you could order the back-issues...
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Damn, what a waste of a brilliant plug.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Romeo Montague, you are charged that on or about the early morning of the
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twenty-fourth of October 1990 you were found to be drunken in charge of a
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Shakespeare tragedy.
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BUT MEANWHILE
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Live and direct via satellite from Melbourne Australia, it's....
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T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
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### ########### ############# ###
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### ### ### ### ### ###
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### ### ### ### ### ########
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### ### ### ### ### ###
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############### ########### ### ### ############
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N U M B E R T W E N T Y 2 9 T H O C T O B E R 1 9 9 0
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W R I T T E N B Y R A Y M O N D L U X U R Y - Y A C H T
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EXTRA! EXTRA!
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Shakespeare spoof receives critical acclaim! Follow-up promised for next
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episode, says gullible author! That's right folks, look out for it this
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Wednesday! But for now, bust your gut with
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___ ___ __ __ ___
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/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__
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/ \ /__/ /__ / \ / \/ /__ \/ \/ ___/
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Heavy-metal band Megabogue are being sued for allegedly having subliminal
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messages in their latest hit "Why Don't U Come And Suk On My Torpedo Of Love,
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Baby?" from the forthcoming "Abbey Bogue" album. When played normally even the
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lyrics are completely incomprehensible.
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But former Megabogue fan the Reverend Skilbey claims that when the record
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is played backwards at a speed of 58rpm precisely, the following sinister
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messages can be heard:
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"God sucks and the devil is a really cool dude."
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"Send all your money to PO Box 463, GPO Jamaica now!"
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"You're a real f***head - I reckon you should go and kill yourself
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right now!"
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"Honestly Satanism rules, 'cos all priests are wankers."
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"Shit Harry, you shouldn't have said that, they'll take us to court."
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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WELCOME TO AUTOBANK. PLEASE INSERT YOUR CARD.
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Hello.
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PLEASE ENTER YOUR P.I.N.
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We've come with a message from God
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PLEASE SELECT FUNCTION
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We'd like to share the experience with you
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PLEASE SELECT ACCOUNT TYPE
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Everyone should hear our message
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PLEASE ENTER AMOUNT AND PRESS `OK'
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Or the whole of mankind is doomed!
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TRANSACTION BEING PROCESSED - PLEASE WAIT
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If our message to the world is ignored, all will end up in hell!
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REMOVE CASH AND/OR TRANSACTION RECORD
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And Lord did say unto his people
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WILL YOU BLOODY MORMONS PISS-OFF?
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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LECTURERS IN NEED OF A FASHION TRANSPLANT APPEAL REPORT
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Well, enough money has finally been raised to open a colour co-ordination
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workshop at Monash University Caulfield Campus, an area very much in need of
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these facilities.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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To subscribe to this gunk, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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We'll be back with our special guest, Mr Macbeth, after a quick Tuesday...
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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--
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Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
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May be copied or reproduced without permission
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provided this notice remains intact.
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--
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Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
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Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
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----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
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tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|