737 lines
29 KiB
Plaintext
737 lines
29 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #113 |
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|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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- Going Crazy in the Suburbs 10: -
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"Some People Will Never See Beauty"
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by Hairy
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twelve thousand different faces
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alike in their unfamiliarity
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alike in their emotionless gaze
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i want to walk out into the sea
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let the waves consume me
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devour me
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i just don't want to come back
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never come back
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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very depressed. very lonely.
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lost my job two weeks ago. i suppose i should have written sooner and told you
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all about it, but i've been walllowing through too many things lately..
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i've been sleeping fourteen hours a day, sleeping through the daylight hours,
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awake until sunrise.. vodka & idle computer things, books & movies.. pushing
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everyone - everyone - out of my life..
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in my own special way, i guess i've pushed you away, too. i could have
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written, or stopped by, even. i was in pennsylvania the other day.. i just
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drove and drove.. 300 miles through strange little pennsylvanian towns.
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sleeping in the car..
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jill's crept back into my life to some extent. i demonstrated to her the
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difference between "up" and "down", and now she's out again.
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nancy was just here, she got here last night after the nitzer ebb show at the
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limelight. i didn't look at her, haven't looked at her - just went to sleep.
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we woke up about 1pm, she wanted me to be happy happy, fun fun fun. i laid on
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the floor with a hat covering my face, and all i kept saying was, "i'm sorry."
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she finally left..
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i keep forgetting to eat. i've lost weight, i think. i seem much leaner. this
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is a good thing, at least i can be content with my appearance as i deteriorate
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into nothingness.
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my life is a merry-go-round of disaster.
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i should write a resume, but i don't have enough energy. i'm feeling very
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apathetic.
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jim should be here before the week is over with my lsd. i told him i wanted to
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experiment, wanted to have bad bad trips and scare myself. told him i wanted
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to see what i'd write about.. told him i just wanted another escape from
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reality, but we'd ignore that bit for the time being.
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well.
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nothing much to say..
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i hope things are better for you than they are for me.
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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wrote a resume the other day (4 am). it's horrible, but i'm going to have to
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live with it.
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listening to the cranes. staring at this old taco bell garbage. smelling
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jill's sex all over me.
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i guess we both know what i've been up to.
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my relatives are up from florida (!?!) visiting. my brother, his wife, two
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kids. he's in his mid thirties, i guess. they got here two days ago. i haven't
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seen them yet, i've been avoiding them.. slinking around the house, only going
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out of my room in the middle of the night..
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i don't know him, you know? just because we both came out of the same hole
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doesn't mean we have to be best friends.
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my contacts are getting blurry.
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i'm never going to meet anyone at a club who interests me. i guess i've
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realized this (finally), and that's why i've stopped going out. the whole
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thing disgusts me.
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blah, blah, blah.
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jesus, i need a haircut.
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unemployment is awful. i have to actually budget my money. i can't stand it.
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if i don't have $100-$150 to spend on absolute *trash* each week, i don't know
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what to do with myself.
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i just wish i could afford a haircut.
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foo.
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where's jim, anyway? where're my drugs?
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been listening to george thorogood lately. that "one bourbon, one scotch, one
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beer" song has some sort of a hypnotic effect over me.
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i always mix up effect & affect. hmm.
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walked past some bar last night at the beach, and realized that this time next
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year, i'll probably be propped up on one of those stools. mmm.
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have a nice day.
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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imagine that, you coming to visit me..
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i've got sunburn. how ungoth. i went plodding around old war derelicts at
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sandy hook.
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the sperm bank thing turned out to be a joke, sorry. i took it as a joke to
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begin with, but i figured - - hey, the work's not hard, i do it already, and i
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may as well get paid for it..
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hope you find a use for the ENCLOSED ENVELOPE.
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my relatives are still here, i'm still dodging them.
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i haven't looked at the alien thing yet, but i will. i remember hearing about
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them somewhere, but i never found out more. i always confuse them with some
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skateboard company called "alien workshop".
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so, what's chet's new job? and if he's got a job, why's he want to masturbate
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for money..? aren't you woman enough for him? didn't he like the pierced
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tongue..?
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tee-hee-hee.
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i'm broke as all hell. i've been eating cheese & crackers. ack, ack, ack.
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i don't go out to clubs near as much as you think. not nearly..
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i need to steal a better printer. this thing is horrible.
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i finally wrote my resume, but i can't print the thing out on this bastard
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printer. it looks awful. i have to drive up to brookdale community college
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(where i stole this computer from) and pretend to be a student for awhile so i
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can use a decent printer. i should've been able to go use the printer at work,
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but.. of course.. i don't work there anymore.
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feels like my eyes are going to fall out.
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too damned hot. i've had the air-conditioning on for the past three days, 24
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hours a day..
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i''ve lost lots of weight. i love it. i think i'm going to be poor more often.
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you should try it sometime, it's lots of fun.
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you shouldn't be finding men you're interested it, be they 27 year old
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brooklynites or not, considering you have a significant other. shame, shame..
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my kingdom for a haircut.
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went and saw "party girl" the other night with jill. what an experience. the
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story about sysiphus (syphilis?) was the best part.
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sunburn is a bad thing.
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jill & i seem to be getting more friendly. this is fine, we've been trading
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"guess who i fucked" stories. i just don't want whatever it was that happened
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last time to happen again.
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then again, i enjoy sex with her.. she did this entertaining thing with ice
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cubes earlier..
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mmmm.
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maybe i should finally mail this letter..
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it'll please you to know that making this black envelope was my last real duty
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as a $7.35/hr record store worker. you see how much i slave over you?
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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hello
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drunk and miserable
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back to normal
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back to reality
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happy birthday
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young man
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young man
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hours twist away into liquid
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into indistinguishable frowns
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of disapproval
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years speckle the walls
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time spent idle
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time wasted
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closeted hopes and dreams
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smashed
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thrown aside
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what does it matter in the end
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when all is said
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and little is done
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mocking faces in the darkness
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haunting my dreams
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scarring my soul
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no peace
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no rest
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no salvation
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just madness
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and alcohol
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and degradation
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this is reality
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this is life
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this is the all there is
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anywhere
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anything
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anyone
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please
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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6 am, driving down the highway, and i came across this woman. tight white
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shorts, long hair, nice figure.
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i drove around the block so that i could pass by her.
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she just stood there, looking at me.
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i went around the block again, waved as i passed by.
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she smiled down into the car, opened the door, got in.
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we drove off.
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i found a secluded spot behind the local elk's club. gave her $20, unzipped my
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pants.
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i made her stop halfway through, and told her i wanted to kiss her.
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"i don't usually do that kind of thing," she said, and we kissed.
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she went back to work.
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i was very kind, gentle. stroking her hair and face very softly - almost as a
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lover would.
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she finished and we drove off.
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i drove her to 8th street, cheap welfare apartments. she had to find some girl
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who owed her money.
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she had told me that she'd pay me $5 to drive her around.
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we didn't find her, but we picked up pam, a big black girl. very loud. very
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obnoxious.
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we went over to the riviera.
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"crack street," she called it.
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i let them out, parked, waited.
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they knocked on a few doors, then disappeared around the corner.
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after a few minutes, she came running back to the car, crying.
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"that nigger bitch" she said, "she stole my money."
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two or three people came out of the motel.
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she got back into the car, still crying. two people from the motel somehow got
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in the backseat.
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i drove them all 20 minutes out of town, down to where she lived.
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got there, pulled up to the curb, stopped. they all got out.
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"wait here for them" she said, and they all went inside.
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i waited maybe one, two minutes.
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i got out of there, back on the highway.
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i was more than generous, i thought, driving these strangers around for more
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than forty-five minutes.
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i left them there, in that blue and white mobile home. in awhile, they'd just
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be memories.
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for all of my kindness and generosity, i was just another piece of flesh
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between her lips.
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some people will never see beauty.
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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i talked to jim last night
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we traded relationship woes
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told him about you & chet & frank ad nauseum
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he wants to meet you
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jim's never met a really kinky woman
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poor jim
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he hasn't moved yet
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i guess it's ok to ignore him
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i wonder what you think
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when you unfold the crumples
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and read it all out
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stumbling over misspelled words
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and horrible typos
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wonder
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what you see
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in between
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all those lines
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my head hurts
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i'm never going to find anyone interesting here
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i told jim last night
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that 98% of the peope in the world
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were boring
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or was it 99%?
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i can't quite remember
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and then i told him
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that the ones who were interesting
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either had a penis
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(which is fine, i told him)
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or are so fucked up in relationships
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that it isn't worth the time investigating
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i don't know what i'm doing
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jim said he wanted to find that girl
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that made him want to go on living
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said he found them before,
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a few of them,
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but it went away
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after awhile
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i told him jill was like that
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she made me want to live
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until
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that one day
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when it all
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just went away
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i don't know what happened
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i told him
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i was tired of looking
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for people like that
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i didn't explain
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but i think we both knew
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that wanting to live
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comes from somewhere inside
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he's got a way of being funny
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told him i wanted support
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a companion, maybe
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i reflected
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i guess i want a wife
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it sure sounds that way
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stupid
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stupid moron
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look at yourself
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how old are you?
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stop being so old
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stop being so dead
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stop
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being
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so
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damned
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stupid
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why don't you do like you're told?
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go out
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get drunk
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get fucked
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get high
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get wasted
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get happy
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ha ha ha ha ha
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get happy
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and just cruise along
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into oblivion
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you stupid
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little child
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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intoxication
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drunken fingers
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in the dark
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in the light
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in the nothing
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ash
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and
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disintegration
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grated memories
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grated fear
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save me
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save me from this
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this abyss
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this drunken slumber
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pain and love
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rain down upon me
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thoughts falling out of my head
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fingers
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not working
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hahahahahahahah
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can't stand it
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can't stand it
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hallucination
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see the escape
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see the humanity
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of
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drowned veins
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haze
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smoke
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whirl
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let me out of this
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this reality
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this space
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this world
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i'm above this
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i'm an entire world above this
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a form you'll never know
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save $1
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on swined conversation
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on drink
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on stupor
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people will never care
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if i live or die
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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try to unscramble it all
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thoughts and feelings crammed into
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overused phrases
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jumbled lettering
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misspent years
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alienated child in the ink
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in the spotted isolation
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held transfixed by laughing stares
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eyes and mouths in motion
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somehow always saying,
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"it's your fault."
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comatose time slips past
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keep waiting for the soul to mend itself
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all covered over
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scars
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puss-filled blisters
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missing pieces
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none of this makes sense
|
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none of this makes sense
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none of this makes sense
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pouring alcohol into something
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some darkness
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some hole whittled out by fear
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saliva and stale vomit
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still caked in the corners of your mouth
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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i never knew your last name until the other day when you left that message.
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odd..
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on a whim this past morning i shuffled off to the library and browsed through
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"the 1995 poet's market book." i looked at this, mainly, because they didn't
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have "the 1995 people-who-just-write-bad-letters market book." i found a few
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places that i'm probably going to start sending stuff to. probably just
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photocopies of all this shit in my drawer, scraps of things..
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well, it's not exactly a job, but it's something to do for five minutes every
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once in awhile.
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mmm.
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i pushed jill out of my life two weeks ago, and tonight i went and visited
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nancy. she called earlier in the day and kept nagging me to visit her. i
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didn't really want to see her, but she kept at it, so.. i got up there and
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laid on the floor and listened to her whining about her social life. when she
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was done, i told her something along the lines of, "your social life disgusts
|
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me." this wasn't meant in a bad way or anything, it's just the honest truth.
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her social life really does disgust me.
|
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|
||
at any rate, she got all bitchy over it. "fine," i said, "i'll leave." she
|
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asked me why i had come to see her in the first place, so, being a good boy
|
||
scout, i told her the truth. "because you kept nagging me," i said. this,
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apparently, didn't set too well either.
|
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i just laid there on the floor. she smoked a cigarette. after awhile, she went
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into another room. she came back in, threw a book at me. damned thing hit me
|
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in the stomach, hurt quite a bit. i said something like, "jesus christ,
|
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whore!" and threw the thing back at her. i was overcome with this intense
|
||
desire to beat the shit out of her. instead, i got up and left.
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|
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ironically enough, it was charles bukowski's "women" that she had thrown at
|
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me. she borrowed it from me, and i guess she was trying to give it back..
|
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|
||
i drove into the city and set out to find a bottle of stolichnaya vodka, but
|
||
it was already pretty late and all the liquor stores were closed. i wandered
|
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around st.mark's place for awhile, then drove home.
|
||
|
||
here i am now, home.
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||
there was a message on my machine from her, it said something like this: "if
|
||
everything disgusts you so much, why don't you just shoot yourself?"
|
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|
||
several points leapt to mind:
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|
||
..her cheesy social life in no way constitutes "everything". ..she's the one
|
||
with the suicidal problems, not me. (tried two or three times.) ..bullets
|
||
aren't stylish. i'd try and do it stylishly if it were my last act. ..she's
|
||
very fucking teenage, and i don't know why i let myself sink that low.
|
||
|
||
well, anyway.. i think i've succeeded in getting her out of my life, too. i
|
||
certainly hope so..
|
||
|
||
alone again, alone again, yippity-yippity.
|
||
|
||
on the lighter side: i haven't had sex in over a month. masturbation is a
|
||
poor, poor replacement. i'm going to see about going out this weekend and
|
||
finding something to fuck.
|
||
|
||
in reality, though, i don't even want that. i don't care about all the hot,
|
||
sweaty mechanics of it. what i really want is the part that comes after -
|
||
laying around in bed, naked, content, happy. holding each other. gentle
|
||
kisses. light touches. stroking hair. falling asleep together..
|
||
|
||
i sound like a woman, jesus. using sex to get love, and all that.
|
||
|
||
jim still hasn't gotten me my damned lsd, but he did find me some mushrooms.
|
||
here's to a mind altering experience..
|
||
|
||
hope you're ok.. wonder why you put up with me.. etc..
|
||
|
||
|
||
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
|
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
- it's sunday, i think.
|
||
|
||
jim never got my mushrooms. jim's kind of unreliable like that.. i haven't
|
||
been back to the city to fetch alcohol, either, but my mother shocked & amazed
|
||
me by driving off to yonder liquor store and getting me some. how odd..
|
||
|
||
anyway, my stepbrother is here with his tart girlfriend. they're sitting out
|
||
on the couch in the living room. he's a redneck bastard. i've avoided him for
|
||
the past.. oh.. five years or so? the last time i really associated with him,
|
||
i tried to strangle him to death. he's just that kind of person.
|
||
|
||
depeche my mode, baby.
|
||
|
||
started talking to some girl, jessica. she got kicked out of cornell, failed
|
||
out. she was pursuing too many.. shall we say, extracurricular activities? the
|
||
only things we've talked about are sex, which is fine with me. cheap,
|
||
entertaining, burns calories..
|
||
|
||
my life reminds me of a sister's of mercy lyric. (i'm such a little gothboy,
|
||
aren't i?) that line, "and the women come and go." well, mostly they just go,
|
||
but..
|
||
|
||
cough, cough, cough.
|
||
|
||
only another.. what.. twenty weeks of "vacation" to go..
|
||
|
||
i need to steal a better printer. jesus christ. i hate this thing.
|
||
|
||
i made the mistake of going to the mall today, trying to escape my
|
||
stepbrother. what a bad idea. people everywhere.. everywhere.. thousands of
|
||
them.. i just couldn't deal with it. all that noise, kids screaming.. the
|
||
faces, the happy happy smiling faces.. "i love you, frank!" "oh, mary! i love
|
||
you!".. overstuffed asses crammed into pastel colored tents.. it was just too
|
||
much. i had to piss, i had to get to a bathroom and piss and get out of there,
|
||
but i couldn't. i just couldn't take it. i found the exit, got outside, got
|
||
back to the car. i sat there in the front seat and pissed in a spring water
|
||
container, and sat it on the ground. it was really that bad.
|
||
|
||
i fucked up and couldn't go to the batcave - again. this is the second week in
|
||
a row i've wanted to go, but couldn't. this time, i had been awake for sixteen
|
||
hours before, and was dead tired. i slept six hours, got up to get dressed and
|
||
go out. it was pouring rain, a monsoon. it had been raining for eight hours or
|
||
so, i think. i started to wonder if i had left my car windows down.. sure
|
||
enough, puddles in the front seat. i had some toast and went back to sleep for
|
||
another eight hours.
|
||
|
||
cough, cough, cough.
|
||
|
||
i cough like a smoker now, for no apparent reason. i'm not sick.. i just don't
|
||
understand.
|
||
|
||
this letter is so completely empty, i'm sorry.
|
||
|
||
i wonder when you'll throw out all the things i've written you. it's got to
|
||
happen, sooner or later. one day, one of us will run out of things to say, and
|
||
the other won't pursue the matter.. and that'll be it. or, maybe you'll throw
|
||
a god damned bukowski book at my head, i'll call you a whore, and we'll hate
|
||
each other. i guess you never know..
|
||
|
||
i can never figure out if i'm alone by choice or not. i suppose i am, being
|
||
i'm the one who drives everyone away.. but it never seems like that. it always
|
||
feels like i've been left, i've been forgotten about.
|
||
|
||
compassion doesn't exist, you know. it just doesn't exist..
|
||
|
||
etc.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
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TANJ Distribution List: Send mail to talmeta@cybercomm.net to be
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added to the TANJ-DL!
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