694 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
694 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #110 |
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|---------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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- Going Crazy in the Suburbs 09: -
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"Teach Me to be Happy"
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by Hairy
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hypnotized stares
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piercing
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into
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into
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insubordination
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took some time off
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absent without leave,
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so to speak
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this sickness always stays
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gristle
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lips that won't work
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how are you?
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why?
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why am i here..
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in this swine?
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abysmal time
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do you fear?
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fear the future
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like i do?
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stale poetry
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rooted in drink
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intoxication and escapism
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mirror my soul
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disintegrating reflections
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bad posture
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weak smile
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"tell me
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tell me
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what am i doing here?"
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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nothing to say
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nothing to do
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"you're beautiful,"
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they keep telling me
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when will i believe?
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maybe when someone foreign recognizes it
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some beast
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i've not yet tamed
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i'm not beautiful
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lovely
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pretty
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or anything inbetween
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i'm just stale expanse
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dead weight
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change me
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correct me
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fill this void
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make me something worthwhile
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something tangible
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something
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anything
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just
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just
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take me away from myself
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from all this grief
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"teach me to be happy"
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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my hand is healing. yay. your tongue is probably healing much faster, but i'm
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going to try and not be jealous about that. everyone responds with the same
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stupid, "didn't that hurt" response. of course it fucking hurt, you asshole.
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i mean, how can you poke a large piece of stainless steel through yourself
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without it hurting a smidge?
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i'm standing at work and jill's presence is annoying me again..
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while we're trading interesting facts, i only write to you, period. nobody
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else is interesting (or should that be read, "intelligent"?) enough to write
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to. besides, i've kind of gotten used to you. i'd hate to go back through all
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that "getting to know someone" nonsense.
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i'm going to siouxsie with nancy, so i'd better see you there. i don't care
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what sort of strings you have to pull, i will see you there, or else. i want
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a hug, so.. so there.
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i've only driven up to see nancy maybe four times in the past month. it's an
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annoying drive, and she never lets me leave. i've thought about driving over
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to visit you for awhile, but it's really out of the way. i'd end up driving
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45 minutes south of her to get on 287, and then off to you. i should look at
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a map some day and find a quicker route, i'm sure there is one.
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july 27th, yes. i forgot your birthday, too, so don't feel bad or anything. i
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could dig back through all those letters and find it, but i figured i'd just
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ask again..
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la, la, la. joy division at work. how.. cheerful.
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hope your mother didn't give you hell over the tongue. my parents seem fairly
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accepting. they looked at my hand, told me how disgusting it was, and then
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told me all about how it was my body and how i could mangle it however i saw
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fit.
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nancy and i have never "made love". well, atleast not in my observation.
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we've "fucked", because fucking is cold and meaningless. we've maybe "had
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sex" a few times, assuming sex is a step up from ""fucking". we're not very
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sexually compatible, i don't think. maybe we'll work at it, who knows. who
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cares?
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jill and i, now.. that was "compatible".. (sob, sob.)
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tom is 24 and he's a bigger baby than i am. sorry, i don't know him very
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well, but just from observation.. the guy needs to grow up. his whole life is
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stuck in that "high school gossip" stage, and it's bothering the shit out of
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me. i'm above all this "he said, she said" trash, and i'm tired of him
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dragging me down into it. i already feel like there are a million pairs of
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eyes staring at me when i go out at night, i don't need to stand there and
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wonder what tom has told all of those people about me.
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actually, i guess i should rather enjoy it. he's probably giving me more of a
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mysterious air. but, i hate people. waaaaaaaaaaaaaa. all these conflicts in
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my life..
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this isn't much of a letter, i'm sorry.
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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hello -
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nancy doesn't read your letters, don't worry. she read a bit that i showed
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her, and nothing more..
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she's not that kind of a person.
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hello -
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my parents just "got rid" of our cat. what this means is that the animal
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we've lived with (and loved) for two years is now on "death row" in a pound
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somewhere. thanks, folks, i didn't even get a say in the matter.. thanks,
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folks, i didn't even get a chance to say "bye"..
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hello -
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i'm sitting at work on my day off typing things at you.
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hello -
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hand is healing well.
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hello -
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nancy & i don't hate each other or anything. we're fairly affectionate. it's
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just that we had both forgotten what concerts were like, and the siouxsie
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show wasn't terribly enjoyable. too hot, too crowded, too nasty. too
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overpriced. too many "straights". too many rude people.
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not to say it was all bad or anything, but i don't get very excited about..
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well, anything. seeing siouxsie swing her chest (were those real?) around
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stage didn't really make me swoon.. (i could have sworn she was flatchested
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at one point in her life..)
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hello -
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maybe someday we can get together and do something, sure.
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teli was a virgin for some twenty years before the spanish 'encounter' at the
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limelight.
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there are things i should be doing besides this, but i don't care enough to
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do them.
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we didn't go to the bank that friday after the show, we went back to her
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house and slept.
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the following saturday, though, we did go out to the batcave. (first time i'd
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been there.) we drank about $40, and had a merry old time. nancy met some
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stripper called "keisha hell" and 'put the moves' on her. i ended up meeting
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somebody named "laura mccutchen" who works the coat check there. she grew up
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around here, and i met her through some mutual friend. strange to see another
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goth from the sticks.. she's going to some art school in the city, so i guess
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she's evolved out of this place.
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this font annoys me.
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i don't write by hand because it's ugly, it takes too long, and it gives my
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hand cramps.
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not to say this font isn't ugly, but at least it's consistent.
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hello -
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the bank isn't that bad, it's just tom and all of his "lil' buddies" that put
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me off on the place now.
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we're probably going to some new joint called "east berlin" this friday. they
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were handing out passes at the siouxsie show.. something tells me it's going
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to be a really cheesy bar, but who knows.
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hello -
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thanks for the hug.
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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drunk in a strange place
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eye watching me
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eyes
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eyes
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feel it
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feel that
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escape
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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name_____________________
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multiple choice. please circle your answer.
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1. m hasn't written because..
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a.) she has finals and is very busy.
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b.) justin has offended her unknowingly.
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c.) chet is around and she's basking in love & joy.
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2. justin hasn't written until now because..
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a.) he's been busy.
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b.) he's been thoughtless.
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c.) he's been going out to clubs and drinking too much.
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3. nancy and justin will most probably..
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a.) break up and hate each other.
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b.) break up and be somewhat friendly.
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c.) all of the above. (?!?)
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4. justin will read that "incredible lightness of being" book..
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a.) next week.
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b.) next month.
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c.) next year.
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5. jill annoys justin..
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a.) sometimes.
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b.) all the time.
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c.) so much he wants to hurl her off a great big fucking cliff and
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watch her twisted mutilated carcass careen into trees and
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outcroppings during its slow and agonizing decent into a swirling
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river of piss.
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d.) (other, please explain.)___________________________________________
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6. justin met someone this past tuesday who..
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a.) looked just like m from across the balcony of the limelight, but
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obviously wasn't when he got close enough to see.
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b.) was a complete airhead.
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c.) was less than 17 years old.
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7. the limelight is..
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a.) overpriced for admission.
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b.) overpriced for drinks.
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c.) installing tackier and tackier decorations.
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d.) painting the walls white (!) and putting goth in that quiet
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little room down by the coatcheck, where is just DOES NOT belong.
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e.) all of the above. 8. justin is..
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a.) at work.
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b.) bored.
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c.) broke.
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d.) in debt.
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e.) fed up with his job.
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f.) thinking about applying to stevens, getting lots of financial
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aid, studying something he doesn't care about, living on campus,
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joining a frat, and having keg parties.
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9. in the past two weeks or so, justin has met..
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a.) natalie.
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b.) laura.
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c.) kate.
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d.) tracy.
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e.) that russian girl, the one he forgot to get the name of.
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10. of the above, justin is interested in..
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a.) none of the above.
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b.) none of the above.
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c.) even less than none of the above.
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11. this test is..
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a.) long-winded.
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b.) tedious.
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c.) a welcome change from all that shitty "i'm so miserable" poetry
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that justin writes when he's sitting around in a stupor.
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12. "east berlin" @ robots on ave.b is..
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a.) small.
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b.) comfortable.
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c.) climate controlled.
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d.) free before 11pm on fridays.
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e.) home of dj patrick, and other people who play decent things.
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f.) hopefully not the new hangout spot for tom & co.
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13. m is..
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a.) amused at this new and interesting form of communication.
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b.) worried about her score.
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c.) making little snorty noises because she's laughing so hard.
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d.) contemplating suicide to escape this new and grueling form of
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torture.
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14. essay question.
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on a sperate sheet of paper,describe in detail the past fourteen days
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of your life. leave no aspect of this time unmentioned. when
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completed, return for scoring to: hairy@pms.metronj.org
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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another entertaining day
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the world whirls around
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and around
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in some mythical haze
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i don't even know what day it is
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day it was
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what difference would it make
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more stale bloated memories
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more dead flesh in the dark
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hey
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hey
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where'd that girl go?
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the other
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the one i killed
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extinguished in snarls
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and glares of hate
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what have you done to her?
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what have you done to her?
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blurred by smoke and emotion
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no clue
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no hope
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no desire
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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when you live day to day, nothing matters. everything you're experiencing
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now will be nothing more than stale, bloated memory, grayed out by the
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emotionless decay of time. images hashed to bits within a few blinks - soon
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forgotten, soon meaningless. love, hate, pain, pleasure.. all forgotten soon
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enough. the reality of "now" is completely empty, completely absurd. you'll
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close your eyes and stare back at all of the things that used to be so
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important, and you won't even care. living will become a cycle of eating,
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sleeping, filling the conscious hours however possible.
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"i wonder how to kill the hours.."
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you can replay fragmented dreams of delirium, hopeless escapes into happiness,
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but in the end you will know - this is all superficial, this is all
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unimportant. it did happen, it might have happened, it never happened. what
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difference does it make? bulk storage capacity yields no emotional response.
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pick and choose between frayed bits of dreams, strands of a long-forgotten
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reality that you hold dear.
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"i close my eyes, i realize, i have become quite tranquilized."
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life will be a drug induced haze - - acid dreams and the haunting memories.
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life will cease to be life. it will devolve into performance for those
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lesser-than, those lacking in vision. those with a vision of time unlike
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your own. to them, this is really happening. to them, it makes some sort of
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a difference. they don't realize, they fail to comprehend. this is
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hallucination, nothing more. you will cease to feel, you will cease to care.
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it's the only way.
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"who knows, who cares, who'll remember anyway?"
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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life in an alcohol haze
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stale pinched bitterness
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my own private void
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can't remember
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closeness
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can't remember
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infatuation
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vomited souls emerging
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evil
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evil
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giggling hell
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"see me
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feel me
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touch me
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heal me"
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big words lacking meaning
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tired, worn out phrases
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numbing isolation
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depression
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ad nauseam
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just shut up and fuck
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shut up and fuck
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shut up and fuck
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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pseudo-intellectual bullshit poetry
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empty verses kept alive on hot air
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trying to live up to aspirations
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missing rungs on the ladder
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tripping up
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tripping down
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down
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down
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down
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alcoholism and regurgitated thoughts
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over and over
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over and over
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some detached strobing puzzle piece
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twisting in my head
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i can never find the words
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never find the meaning
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the escape
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cold stares
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nausea in the morning
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where does it end?
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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can you see me?
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see this frightened little boy
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hiding behind tears
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false lives
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hopeless dreams
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see me?
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see me crying out from isolation
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from this never-ending spiral downwards
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everything i've ever known
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has washed away
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everything i've ever loved
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i've butchered
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i split apart at the seams
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crying out for anyone
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anyone
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to take this pain away
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make me whole again
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please
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please
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just make it stop
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a clue
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a tool
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anything
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something to hold on to
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please
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just one thing
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just one
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that won't slip away in the dawn
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something that won't corrode in the daylight
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please
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/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
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nancy's doing things to annoy me. i've no idea why, i guess it's just
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happening - but it bothers me.
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i'd go into details, but i'd rather just put it out of my mind.
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took the ring out of my hand. i (apparently?) picked up something heavy, and
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the top hole tore a bit. it formed a flap of skin that i could pick up and
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look into my hand with. much unpleasantness. lots of bleeding. i let it go
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for a week or so to see what it was going to do, and it wasn't getting any
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better.
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so - out it comes.
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<sigh>
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met some girl named - hahahahaha - named jill.. although she's more woman than
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girl, being 28. she seems a nice person. let's try and be friends, and nothing
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more.
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got your letter.
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got your postcard.
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austin certainly doesn't look very "awesome."
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blah,
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blah,
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blah.
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not much to say.
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my fingernails slow my typing to a fucking crawl.
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stole a $1500 computer system (which i'm using now) from teli's college. just
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||
walked in and took it. wheeeeeeeee.
|
||
|
||
so, i'm a horrible person. what else is new?
|
||
|
||
i met this new & improved jill (hereafter referred to as jill^2) at the
|
||
limelight some weeks ago. actually, teli met her. he was drunk and looking
|
||
for girls to annoy. so, he annoyed her. it was closing time, and i went to
|
||
fetch him so that i could get the hell out of there. she recognized me from
|
||
the bank. how nice. anyway - somehow or other, teli got her e-mail address.
|
||
i've no idea how "the information superhighway" came up in their conversation,
|
||
but it did. at any rate, she schools at columbia. i got drunk the other night
|
||
and wrote her a few pages of filth, sent it to her school's mail address. she
|
||
wrote back. etc, etc.
|
||
|
||
how entertaining this all seems.
|
||
|
||
what the hell would i do with a 28 year old, anyway? talk about the 70's..?
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
|
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
repeating meaningless gestures
|
||
over and over
|
||
around and around
|
||
|
||
the end result -
|
||
emptiness
|
||
nothing
|
||
this nagging stagnation
|
||
|
||
bleak
|
||
black and
|
||
bloated
|
||
i glare out from disgrace
|
||
|
||
blinks and stares
|
||
rattling the cage's bars
|
||
what's the point
|
||
of this action
|
||
or that one
|
||
or anything?
|
||
|
||
blank spaces where
|
||
memories used to live
|
||
erased through alcohol
|
||
through the starvation for touch
|
||
and the tired search for compassion
|
||
|
||
there is no end
|
||
to this madness
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
|
||
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
|
||
|
||
|
||
falling apart again
|
||
feeling it washing over me
|
||
rushing
|
||
like the tide
|
||
washing away all feelings
|
||
of happiness
|
||
joy
|
||
worth
|
||
everything there is
|
||
to hold dear
|
||
leaving me empty
|
||
barren and scared
|
||
barren and scared to death
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
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||
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