132 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
132 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #55 |
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- Guardian Moon -
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by Cat Eye
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I feel trapped. I need to do something. I want to do something. I have to
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do something. But there's nothing to do. So I sit. I sit like the good
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little girl I am supposed to be. I bore myself until I start jittering, and
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I can't stop. I pull my hair. I have to get out. I have to do something.
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I leave. I walk. I pick up my pace. I run. I push myself. I gasp for air.
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My eyes water up, and I continue to run. To my 'hideaway'. To my
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'someplace' to get away. To my 'second home and guide'. I find myself
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around the corner. At the dead end of Brookfield Drive.
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I can't just stop. I can't just stand there. I walk around the circle/dead
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end in my long black trench coat, catching my breath. Looking down at the
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groud, back up to the clear sky. I shiver, I'm sweating, and it's cold out.
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But I feel better. I no longer feel trapped. I walk the circle 3..4..5
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times. Whatever it takes for me to catch my breath, and feel better.
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I catch my breath, and I look up tot he sky. I see my guide. My guardian.
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The only one who seems to make me feel untrapped when I feel I have no
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where to go, no one to talk to, nothing to do. I stand there, in the middle
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of that circle, and look around. Up. Down. Left. Right. Anywhere.
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Everywhere. Then I keep my focus on my guardian.
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Standing there, in the middle of a dead end circle, you think you'd feel
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just that, like you were at a dead end. But I don't. I can't. I'm not
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alone. I have the world with me. I'm being watched, I'm being cared for.
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I'm being told everything will be ok. That's exactly what I need. That's
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what I want. That's what I went for.
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Standing there, looking up at the moon, full, and bright, with his smile,
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with his look about his face, you know everything will be ok. I feel loved,
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I feel cared for, I feel.... I feel special. I feel like I matter, that I
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mean something. When I stand and I look up to him, he is looking me in the
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face. And to stand there, and feel like he is watching ME.. ME, out of
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everyone else in the world, well, it just makes me feel great.
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I feel like I'm in the center of the world. Looking up to that man in the
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moon, all my thoughts seem to go away. I can talk to him, and he listens.
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He answers me. He lets me know that everything will be ok. He guides me in
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the right direction. He listens to anything and everything that I need..
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that I have to get off of my chest. And he doesn't mock me for it. He
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doesn't critize me. He listens, just sits there politely and listens. He'll
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listen to anything and everything, and he won't tell anyone else. He's
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private.
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"I come here often, when I feel bad, trapped, when I feel like no one. I
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can come here, and I feel better. The walk. The run. The talk.. I can look
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up to the moon, and I have no idea what it is. But it gives me this
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powerful feeling. Like I really mean something, ya know? I mean, I can
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stand here, and look up to him, and it feels like he is looking back at me.
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Like he will listen to me when no one else will. And when he isn't there,
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there are the stars. And just standing here, in the middle of this circle,
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I feel great. I feel like I am the center of the world, you know? I feel
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like the moon is watching me, and that means that he is watching me, me, do
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you believe that? Do you know how that makes me feel? He is watching me.
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Me, out of everyone else in the world. And he listens. I come out here, and
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I just look up, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry, and it all makes me feel
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better, because as I cry, I can talk. And even though I don't have someone
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here to hold me, and tell me everything will be ok, I get that feeling
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anyway, that everything WILL be ok. I don't know what it is.. It's just
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this really warm feeling that comes over me, you know? Of course not. No
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one knows. No one can understand. The moon, he's like my guide, my
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guardian. For several people, for anyone. When he's not out, the stars are.
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And that makes you feel just as good, if not better, because then, it's
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like thousands of people are paying attention to you. Sure, they're all
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smaller people, but that doesn't seem to matter. You just don't care. You
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know what you feel."
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I remember having that conversation with someone that I dragged out there
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one night. I made him feel bad, I think, kind of helpless. But I couldn't
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help it. He was around at the wrong time I guess, but in a way, it was a
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great time. He learned more about me. What's inside of me. And some may
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say, how strange I am. Maybe I am crazy, yeah, right, the moon watching
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over me, right? A man in the moon? Ok, Jen, "They're coming to take me
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away!"
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But think about.. next time you really feel like shit, and you have nothing
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to do, but you have to do something, take that walk. Go outside, anywhere,
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in the open, where you can see the moon, the sky, the stars. Look up, and
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just talk, talk about anything, anything at all. Cry if you have to. Run.
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Force your breath out of you.
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Then you come back to me and tell me I'm crazy.
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