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*-* TTTTTTTTTT AAAAAA NNNN N J *-*
*-* T A A N N N J *-*
*-* T AAAAAAAAAA N N N J *-*
*-* T A A N N N J J *-*
*-* T A A N NNNN JJJJJ *-*
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*-* There Ain't No Justice *-*
*-* #17 *-*
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*-* Phoenix Modernz Inc. 908/830-8265 *-*
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- A Parody of Star Trek:The Next Generation -
by Mr. Wizzard
Date: Stardate 4295.423253434343434343434343
Time: Time is irrelevant in space
Scene: Picard and Data are in the Turbo-Lift heading to the
bridge.
Picard: Data, we're on route to Nebulis III. This is a very
important assignment. Do you know the meaning of
this?
Data: This - (this) pron., pl. these [ME. this, thes < OE.
thes, masc., this, neut. < base of demonstrative
pron.: see THAT] 1. the person or thing mentioned or
understood [this is John, this tastes good] 2. the
thing that is nearer than another referred to as
"that" [this is larger than that] 3. the less remote
in thought of two contrasted things [of the two
possibilities, this is more likely than that] 4. the
fact, idea, etc. that is being, or is about to be,
mentioned, presented, etc. [this convinces us, now
hear this] <20><><EFBFBD>adj., pl. these 1. designating the
person or thing mentioned or understood [this man was
John, this pie tastes good] 2. designating the thing
that is nearer than the one referred to as "that"
[this desk is smaller than that one] 3. designating
the less remote in thought of two contrasted things
[of the two, this possibility is more likely than
that] 4. designating something that is being, or is
about to be, mentioned, presented, etc. [hear this
song, this fact will convince you] 5. [Colloq.]
designating a particular but unspecified person or
thing [there's this lady in Iowa] <20><>adv. to this
extent; so [it was this big]
Picard: That's not what I meant. I meant do you know the
importance of your mission?
Data: Indeed Sir I do! I am to teach the Nebulains how to
use the supplies we are giving them, otherwise the
people might die.
(Both exit the turbo-lift and step on to the bridge in their positions)
Worf: Sensors are picking up an unidentified object off the
starboard bow.
Picard: All stations red alert.
Picard: Du du du, space the final frontier. These are the
voyages of the starship, Enterprise on its
continuing mission to explore strange new worlds
and seek out new civilizations. To boldly go where
no one has gone before. Oh cut the crap, everyone
knows that we always go to the same old stupid
places we usually go. Anyway...... Du Du Du Du Du
Du Du Du.
(All important people except LaForge are on the bridge)
Picard: Open hailing frequencies.
Worf: The object is not responding to our hail.
Data: It appears to be a Scout ship. It appears as if its
shields are up and its weapons are armed.
Worf: We are being hailed Captain.
Picard: On screen.
Nebulain: I am General Yaka Foma, and I demand you surrender
your ship at once.
Troi: I sense great hostility behind his voice.
Yaka: I heard that counselor.
Picard: For once in your life, Troi, SHUTUP!!!!!
Troi: This is a Federation vessel, I don't remember shutup
being one of the orders you can give.
Data: Troi is right, Captain.
Yaka: Can I speak?
Data: Indeed you can, we have already witnessed that, the
question is will the Captain let you speak.
Yaka: Fine, may I speak?
Picard: Proceed.
Yaka: You must surrender your ship to me at once or prepare
to die.
Picard: How can a tiny Scout ship destroy the Enterprise,
the ultimate invention, the ship of all ships.
Yaka: What is this a commercial for the Enterprise? Anyway,
I have my ways.
Worf: Sir, five Romulan War Birds are decloaking behind the
Scout ship.
Picard: Go to red alert.
Data: But Sir, we already are at red alert.
Picard: Then go to purple alert or something.
Data: Purple alert, Sir?
Picard: Just forget it.
Data: Fine Sir, red alert cancelled, shields lowering and
weapons returning to normal.
Picard: Now go to red alert.
Data: But that would be illogical, we just cancelled red
alert.
Picard: Do it anyway.
Yaka: Yoo Hoo! Anyone home?
Data: That depends on what you define as home. If you mean
the Enterprise, then yes, otherwise it is impossible
to determine.
Yaka: Picard, can I shoot that android of yours, Data?
Picard: We have considered that option many times before,
but we have decided that sometimes he is a valuable
member of the crew.
Yaka: Of your crew?
Picard: No, actually of the enemy's crew, but that's besides
the point.
Yaka: I will give you twenty seconds to surrender.
(15 second later)
Picard: Arm phasers, and fire.
Producer: Wait a minute, we can't have a battle.
Picard: Why not?
Producer: Don't you know by now, all the special effects
money is spent on perfecting the "warp" technique
and losing people in the transporters.
Picard: Oh, I forgot.
Producer: Try to be more careful from now on.
Picard: Ok.
Gene Roddenberry: Let them have one battle for old times
sake.
Yaka: Thank you! Five seconds left Picard.
Picard: Fire torpedos.
Worf: Sir, torpedos are not armed. You said arm the
phasers.
Picard: Fire phasers.
Data: At What target Sir?
Picard: At the Scout ship.
Worf: Firing, Sir.
Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Pcrecrecllllll!
Data: The Scout ship is destroyed, Sir.
Picard: Fire at all of the Romulans.
Worf: Firing, Sir.
Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Crunch!
Data: The Romulans are hailing us with a message. They said
they did not appreciate that.
Worf: All Romulans at 95% of maximum.
Data: They are all firing at us.
Sound Effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch!
Picard: Engineering, report.
LaForge: Shields holding, Captain, but they took a bad
beating.
Picard: Understood.
Data: The Romulans are firing again.
Sound effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch!
LaForge: Engineering to bridge, the warp engine controls are
out, trying to bypass.
Picard: Acknowledged
Data: The Romulans are hailing us again.
Picard: On screen.
Data: The transmission is only audible.
Picard: Let's hear it.
Yaka: Have you had enough yet, Captain?
Picard: I thought we killed you when we heard
Pcrecrecllllll, and when the Scout ship was
destroyed.
Yaka: Nah Nah Na Nah Na! I fooled you.
Data: Transmission ended, Captain.
Picard: What would happen if we tried to warp out of here at
Warp 10?
Data: Sir, that is unknown. No federation vessel or other
can travel that fast. As for the Enterprise it can
travel at Warp 9.9.
Picard: Data, you just gave me an excellent idea. Jordi,
have all of your research team work on getting the
impulse engines to fire at the same time as the
warp engines enabling us to travel at Warp 10.8.
LaForge: Sir, that may cause excessive stretching to the
secondary hull.
Picard: Come up with a safe way, and then run it through the
computer. It's our only chance.
LaForge: We'll try, Captain.
(Commercial in the year 3011.90)
Joe Isuzu: Hi, I'm Joe Isuzu, and I want you to by my Isuzu
Trooper today. It is so much better than
Toyota's pickup. It only costs $100,000,000,000.
Toyota costs $130,000,000,000.
(Now back to Star Trek - The Next Generation)
Riker: Are you sure it's a wise decision to have Jordi
working on such a project.
Troi: Riker, I feel great worry coming from the Captain.
Riker: That's just great, the wimpy run-away Captain is
worried. Maybe he wants his pacifier.
Picard: Riker, go to your quarters immediately.
Data: Commander Riker cannot report to his quarters at this
time. As a Senior Member of this crew his battle
station is this bridge. Being we are in a state of
red alert, he cannot return to his quarters, he must
stay at his battle station.
Picard: Fine, stay on the bridge, see if I care.
Worf: A strange beam just hit the Enterprise. It seems to
be "cutting a hole in the shield."
Picard: Ensign Crusher, is this a serious problem?
Wesley: Unknown at this time Sir.
Data: The beam itself may not be harmful, but if th....
Worf: The Romulans are preparing to fire.
Picard: Oh no, not again.
Riker: Everyone hold on.
Troi: It looks as it is going to hit us, everyone hit the
deck.
Data: Hit th...
Sound effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch! Pooooowwwwwww!
Picard: Engineering, report.
LaForge: All navigational systems are out, Captain.
Worf: Shields are going down, Captain. They are at 20% of
maximum. It is as if one Romulan hit us, and another
used some sort of weapon to drain our shields.
Picard: Data, bypass navigational control.
Data: Yes, Captain, but first I must hit the deck.
Sound effect: Ping!
Data: It appears to be made of metal. What is the purpose
of hitting the deck?
Picard: Later, Data. Just do what I told you to.
Data: Attempting to bypass all navigational controls.
LaForge: What? Are you crazy? If he bypasses all
navigational controls, and then we fire the impulse
engines, we will speed in any direction, of which
we have no control.
Picard: I think I'll call it the Picard Maneuver.
LaForge: Your giving random movement a name? What if we
crash into a Romulan?
Picard: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Riker: Is that supposed to be some sort of "sick" pun?
Data: Pun? Sir, what is a pun?
Riker: Later, Data.
Data: Sir, was that a poem you just recited.
Riker: No, Data, just shutup.
Picard: Picard to Engineering. Is everything ready down
there?
LaForge: I still think this whole idea is crazy. I ran it
through the computer with all gravity accounted
for. It said we have a 40% - 70% chance of hitting
the planet or another ship.
Picard: Why such a big range?
LaForge: Well, my eye-piece is malfunctioning.
Picard: Have some one fix it.
LaForge: Only I can fix it.
Picard: But you're blind without it, how can you fix it.
LaForge: Exactly my point.
Picard: Are you ready?
LaForge: I guess as ready as we'll ever be.
Picard: Data, have you successfully bypassed the navigation
controls?
Data: Indeed I have, Sir.
Picard: Engage.
Wesley: Engaging, Captain.
(The Enterprise is heading in an unknown direction, because all
directions are irrelevant in space, but it is a direction away from the
Romulans.)
Riker: We did it.
Worf: Not yet, the Romulans are closing on us.
Data: Captain, what shall we do?
Picard: You want me to decide.
Riker: Captain, this is not supposed to be namby-pamby time.
Troi: He is right. It is supposed to be wishy-washy time.
Riker: Was that an insult.
Troi: Maybe.
Picard: Riker, Worf, Data, Troi, and LaForge come into my
ready-room.
Data: Is that wise, considering the situation?
Picard: I don't know, but for now, Wesley you have the
bridge.
Wesley: Fire phasers at the planet.
Picard: What are you giving orders for? That's my job.
Wesley: You said I had the bridge.
Picard: And I meant that. For your birthday you can have
the bridge itself, provided you can move it into
your quarters.
Wesley: Fire phasers anyway
Ensign: Firing Sir.
Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Lt: The planet is hailing us, Sir.
Wesley: On ground, or wall, or whatever the Captain usually
says.
Lt.: I believe it is on screen, Sir.
Wesley: Yeah! That's it. On screen.
Moorad: This is Moorad, leader of the planet, Nebulis.
Wesley: Yeah, like hi dude!
Moorad: What was your reasoning behind firing your weapons
at our planet?
Wesley: Well, like I just had this impulse. It's kind of
like real freaky dude.
Moorad: Well, good shot, you just destroyed JC Corporation,
the place that makes all of the lousy cafeteria
food.
Wesley: Well, like we don't have to worry none 'bout dem, we
have dese tings called food dispensers. They like
drop a plate down, en then some mush drops on da
pwate.
Moorad: No offense, but do you always talk that way?
Wesley: No, just after watching the Teenage Mutant Starship
Turtles. Ya know the good guys who have warp power.
They're always green, so dere easy to find. De eat
Dylithium crystals and like dem too.
Moorad: That's very fascinating.
Wesley: I also like New Kids in the Transporters, except
they don't play their instruments themselves.
Moorad: I must be going now, tut tut!
Wesley: Tut, tut?
Lt.: I believe he used to be an Egyptian pharaoh.
(Picard's ready room)
Data: Why did you call us here?
Riker: Yeah, why indeed?
Picard: Calm down everyone.
LaForge: We have to do something, our shields are almost
down to 0, zip, zilch, and you know what that
means.
Riker: Yes, we don't have to be reminded of that.
Picard: Remind me, I can't seem to remember.
Riker: I really should relieve you.
Picard: Number 6 or 4 or 7 or whatever I call you, I am
perfectly able to relieve myself, to boldly go
where no man has gone before.
Riker: We don't want any sick humor here.
Data: No one is sick here.
Riker: That's not what I meant, Data.
Worf: I say we beam everyone aboard the Romulan ships, and
die like true men.
Picard: That might just work.
Riker: Don't you think that's a little bit drastic.
Picard: Indeed it is, but what if .........
LaForge: What if we transport a bomb containing anti-matter
on to each ship. That would get rid of them for
good.
Data: An explosion of anti-matter the size of
.000000000000000000000004 mm. would create an
explosion with a diameter of
1721748219375643.134956713845437851614578416 miles.
Being we are only 12231.1224234 miles from the
Romulans that means we would have to cover
approximately 1721748219363412.00 miles in .0000000213
seconds. That's 80444082345551460000000.00 miles a
second.
Picard: Thank you data for your enlightening calculations.
Data: Not only that, but the Enterprise at Warp 9.9 can only
travel 1000000000000123.92 miles a second, not nearly
enough to clear the shock waves of the explosion.
Picard: Can you rig up the whosiemwhat to the whatjemacle?
LaForge: Yes, but that would only make us go at Warp 10.2
Data: That would still only take us 1030303030303158.00
miles, not nearly enough.
Picard: So what? Do it!
Riker: Data, do we have any extra weight on board that might
slow us down?
Troi: Yes you, Will!
Picard: Let's not stand around and bicker, let's go do
whatever we're supposed to do.
(Everyone leaves Picard's ready-room. We are now on the bridge. Dr.
Crusher has joined us.)
Dr. Crusher: A beam just penetrated through the hull on
Deck 1903. It has injured lots of people, so I
want more money. Do you realize that I'm
getting paid what doctors got paid in the
year 2200? That's only $100,000,000,000,000.
Picard: Ah, but Bev, money is irrelevant in space.
Riker: I've located 10,000,000 lbs. that are worthless to us
and can be transported into space.
Worf: The Romulans are firing again, Sir.
Sound Effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch!
Wesley: Deck 44 reports a toilet overflow, but otherwise no
damage was incurred.
Worf: Yaka is hailing us, Sir.
Picard: On screen.
Yaka: I demand you surrender your ship at once.
Troi: Good idea, beam me aboard.
(A beaming ray appears on the bridge, and Troi is suddenly missing. She
appears on the screen with Yaka.)
Troi: Help me, Help me!
Picard: O'Brien, beam her back.
O'Brien: There's a problem. When we started beaming, so did
the Romulans. One of three things will happen if
someone doesn't withdraw their beam: a) Troi will
be scattered around the universe, b) The Enterprise
will explode, or c) The Romulan ship will explode.
Most likely, Troi will be scattered all over the
universe.
Riker: So, what's wrong with that?
Data: He does have a point, Captain.
Picard: You're right, and a good one at that!
Dr. Crusher: I think it's cruel to treat another human being
in that fashion, but being Troi is a betahead
or something, I will make an exception in this
case.
O'Brien: Captain, the Romulans have turned off their
transporter and Troi is now safely aboard.
(Mumbles are heard from the bridge.)
Worf: It appears that the Romulans are again using their
strange beam, only this time all of the ships are
shooting it at us.
Picard: Shields up!
Data: Our shields are already up, Captain.
Riker: Can't you remember anything Captain?
LaForge: The antimatter bomb is ready and I don't think you
want it aboard much longer than it has to b...
(A Boom is heard in the background and the communication channel goes
dead)
To be continued...
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