416 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
416 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
Date: Fri, 2 Apr 93 17:47:06 PST
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Reply-To: <surfpunk@osc.versant.com>
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Return-Path: <cocot@osc.versant.com>
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Message-ID: <surfpunk-0072@SURFPUNK.Technical.Journal>
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Mime-Version: 1.0
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Content-Type: text/plain
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From: surfpunk@osc.versant.com (n shyy guerr uhaqerq fvkgl qrterrf)
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To: surfpunk@osc.versant.com (SURFPUNK Technical Journal)
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Subject: [surfpunk-0072] 1APR: A Day Without Usenet shall pass.
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forgot to send this yesterday. strick.
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________________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________________
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From kibo@world.std.com (Leader Kibo)
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Subject: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: THE FUTURE OF THE NET.
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Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1993 04:47:24 GMT
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P R O C L A M A T I O N & M A N I F E S T O
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***********************************************
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WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has insurmountable flaws:
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=> It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups.
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=> It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces.
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=> It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures.
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=> There is no formal rulebook and no official administration.
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=> Power-crazed maniacs frequently try to manipulate it at their whim.
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These problems are most important. THEREFORE, in an official and secret
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democratic vote, Kibo has been duly elected LEADER OF THE NET. To correct
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this heinous situation, LEADER KIBO has decided to take bold measures,
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a brave new initiative, detailed herein.
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PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE
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ISSUED ON 4/15/93, 06:00 GMT.
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A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for
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government employees. Many will discover life, or at least television.
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Desperate soc.singles readers will have nervous breakdowns. The world
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will rotate a full three hundred sixty degrees just the same.
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Every Usenet groups, and all its associated problems, will have been
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wiped off the face of the Earth forever by the might of the rmgroup.
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Of course, to prevent any power-crazed maniacs from putting the
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groups back, the newsgroup `control' will be rmgrouped. Thus, the
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situation will be permanent.
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PHASE TWO. NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL
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BE ISSUED ON 4/16/93, 06:00 GMT.
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The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place.
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Usenet is dead. Long live HappyNet!
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********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! *********
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UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE ALL-WISE LEADER KIBO,
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THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY:
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Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE.
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=> nonbozo.*
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=> bozo.*
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=> megabozo.*
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Existing groups will be moved into the new organization scheme, resulting
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in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, megabozo.talk.bizarre,
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nonbozo.comp.virus, bozo.alt.sex, megabozo.alt.fan.lemurs, bozo.postmodern,
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etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the
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groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the
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faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in
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bozosity assessment.
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It is estimated that the breakdown will be thus:
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1.0000% nonbozo.*
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90.0000% bozo.*
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9.0000% megabozo.* (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs)
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Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically: bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*,
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bozo.inane.*, bozo.boring.*, bozo.sex.*, bozo.argue.*.
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New groups will also be added for MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT. The network would
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be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new
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groups. Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously
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father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say,
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megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official
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Procedure, filing all six copies of your request in triplicate and then
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making four carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $160 for each
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letter in the new group's name, and $720 for each period.
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Of course, thanks to Leader Kibo's awesome foresight, new groups will
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probably not be needed. A simple computer program will generate all
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groupnames from *.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa to *.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.
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This will encompass ALL possibilities in a COMPLETELY LOGICAL FASHION,
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maximally efficient yet FUN!
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This will also cut down on those annoying egomaniacal posters who try to
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post the same article to EVERY group, because it will become physically
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impossible to post to ALL groups within a MORTAL LIFETIME!
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But wait, there's more--over six billion groups MORE will be added at
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HappyNet's inception--free of charge!
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********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! *********
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To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader
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Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of
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"personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are
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popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba,
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alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry,
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alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.fan.naked-guy, alt.religion.kibology,
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alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel. Because everyone is
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equal before the eyes of wise Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE
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WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP on HappyNet. This will celebrate the
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global diversity of our users, demonstrating for once and for all
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that they are all unique, but unique in exactly the same way!
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A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be
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mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read:
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Dear Citizen Of The New Network,
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You are being given your own HappyNet group. Its placement
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will depend on your answer to this simple question.
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ARE YOU A BOZO? (CHECK EXACTLY ONE) [] YES [] NO
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I care,
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Leader Kibo
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People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and
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people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*.
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People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be
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taken (by the Network Security Patrol) to the Citadel Of Judgment to
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appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and
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assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*.
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Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED
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ACCESS to HappyNet.
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********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! *********
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Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR
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DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room
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of every building on the planet. Not only will this encourage higher net
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communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as
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it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and
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to see how they are feeling and what they are doing.
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But simple TELESCREENS in LIVING ROOMS, BEDROOMS, and BATHROOMS are
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not enough to ensure FREEDOM and EQUALITY. Neural transceivers will
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be implanted, FREE, at BIRTH in all newborns, allowing them to "jack in"
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to HappyNet, transmitting articles, sounds, and even GIF files at
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the speed of thought! They won't even have to worry about spelling--
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they'll just THINK and their EVERY THOUGHT will be broadcast into
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EVERYONE ELSE'S HEADS!
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And because Leader Kibo CARES and values YOUR opinion, this will even
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allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are THINKING, thanks to the
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heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL FORCE.
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********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING *********
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The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer
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system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy,
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relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings. They will monitor,
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censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to
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DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS. These SUPPRESSIVE PERSONS will be
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hunted down and suppressed!
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NSPF officers have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks,
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well-balanced batons, six-inch-thick shoulder pads and twelve-inch cleats.
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And, of course, they will punish evildoers, night or day. HappyNet
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never sleeps.
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********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! *********
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Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet,
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and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains.
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.signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
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baud.
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.signature has giant ASCII graphic: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
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baud on a Braille terminal after having fingers rubbed with sandpaper.
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Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is
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officially changed to "Me Too".
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Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize
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Webster's Ninth.
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Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", "you're"
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as "your", or any of the following--"wierd", "Anti-Semetic", "senerio",
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or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times.
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Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways.
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Sending a newgroup message without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is
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forced to adopt twelve wacky sitcom children.
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Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only
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groups about fluffy puppies.
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Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is
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rendered illiterate by a simple trepanation.
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*Plonk*ing outside talk.bizarre: Poster is *plonked*--LITERALLY.
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Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all
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of Craig's mail.
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Posting to aus.* from the USA: Poster is deported to Australia after having
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a "Kick Me" sign glued to their forehead.
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Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when
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people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten.
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Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet
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slogans on their body in huge script letters.
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Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new
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keyboard without capitals or punctuation. The space bar will be clearly
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labelled.
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*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for
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each asterisk.
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Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster
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is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV.
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Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the
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advertising time.
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Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're
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using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM.
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Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo,
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whose custom Turbissimo MoNDO Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far
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better than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation.
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Giving away the secret of "The Crying Game": No punishment.
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Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution.
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Humor impairment: Execution.
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Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of
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poster predicted.
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Mentioning Star Trek outside of the Star Trek groups: "Star Trek: The
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Next Generation" is cancelled, and all tapes of the original series are
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burned.
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There are other helpful rules and regulations, but they are double secret.
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Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various
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enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition
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Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic
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Patriots, the Cross-Post Crushers, the Cascade Commandos, and
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the .signature .specialforce. There will even be a special detail to
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track down, and burn, copies of the Green Golfball Joke.
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********* HAPPYNET: MODERATION IN ALL THINGS! *********
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The concept of moderated groups will be retained for a few groups,
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with minor changes.
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Alt.flame (renamed megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by Dave Lawrence,
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as his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo.
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Dick Depew will be assigned the task of making up an imaginative
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Message-ID for every article in the world. (He will also unleash random
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daemons onto the net to destroy the unpleasant signal to noise ratio
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completely.)
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A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the
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frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in
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Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Maddi Hausmann,
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allowing her to devote full time to assisting Brad Templeton's
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nonbozo.clarinet.* duties.
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Serdar Argic will be the official underliner of HappyNet. Every time
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the word "turkey" is mentioned, he will post a followup underlining and
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circling it. This will be a tremendous help to people looking for
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low-fat recipes.
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Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of
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the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one.
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And, of course, a world-class anonymous-posting server will be
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established. Not only will it remove your name from your postings (so
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that you don't have to worry about defending your opinions) but it will
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also eliminate the opinions themselves. Thus, don't be surprised to see
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a lot of anonymous postings in bozo.alt.sex.stories saying simply "I
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have no opinion on homosexuality." HappyNet will help us all to get
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along, even the people with no name.
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But what about those disclaimers that state that your opinion is not
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that of IBM, McDonalds, MIT, Scientology, etc.?
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Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST include
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the following:
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DISCLAIMER: THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT REQUIRED BY LEADER KIBO.
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THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT THE OPINIONS OF LEADER KIBO.
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HAVE A NICE DAY!
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Also, for your protection, Leader Kibo has filed a copyright claim on
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HappyNet. Thus, any postings without a copyright notice become the
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intellectual property of Kibo. This will keep random people from exploiting
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your ideas, because they won't be your ideas any more! It's that simple.
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******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ********
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HappyNet as currently implemented is just one communications medium.
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But this will blast our way into the foundation of the future:
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Eventually, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other
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`conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup
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comedy, and sex. .signatures will be sixty-second commercials. Alt.sex
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(bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading.
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A PBS series, "Great RFCs, Past and Present" will be filmed to replace
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the boring old text RFCs. A Fox series, hosted by Dr. Ruth Westheimer,
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will replace "Emily Postnews".
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The Sony Walkman will become obsolete thanks to the Sony rnman. The
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instructions will be on a separate device, the Sony manman.
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Once everyone in the world is hooked into the giant HappyNet neural
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network and their brains merge into one gigantic community of mind
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(with an IQ well over THREE HUNDRED!), local events will be instantly
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communicated everywhere in the world. For example, people in Sri Lanka
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will be able to INSTANTLY receive dozens of "Hey, we're having a minor
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earthquake here in San Francisco RIGHT NOW!" postings INSTANTLY, instead
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of having to wait weeks. Rumors of such important events as DeForest
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Kelley's death will also propagate instantly, but this is not really
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a drawback: it enables the NSPF to detect them and snuff them out faster!
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HappyNet is an important part of this well-balanced future. In fact,
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it is the ONLY part. Without HappyNet, there could be no future.
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Usenet paves the road to misery and ruin with its cascades, cross-posts,
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flame wars, forgeries, and .signature viruses. HappyNet does not pave
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this road--where it's going, we don't NEED roads! HappyNet bravely
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journeys into an unknown, but not unpleasant future. Everyone WILL
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be happy, happier than human beings can possibly be.
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Although it will take HappyNet months, maybe years, to improve all
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areas of daily existence in all possible ways, it will be obvious to
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the most casual reader that HappyNet is better than Usenet.
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********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU *********
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-- Leader Kibo
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________________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________________
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The SURFPUNK Technical Journal is a dangerous multinational hacker zine
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originating near BARRNET in the fashionable western arm of the northern
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California matrix. Quantum Californians appear in one of two states,
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spin surf or spin punk. Undetected, we are both, or might be neither.
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________________________________________________________________________
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Send postings to <surfpunk@osc.versant.com>, subscription requests
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to <surfpunk-request@osc.versant.com>. MIME encouraged.
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Xanalogical archive access soon. Without SURFPUNK, there could be no future.
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________________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________________
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.crackers
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: comp.protocols.snmp
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: comp.security.misc
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: comp.infosystems.wais
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.cyberpunk.movement
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: comp.society.cu-digest
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.binaries.multimedia
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: comp.infosystems.gopher
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: comp.internet.library
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: comp.lang.tcl
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.society.civil-liberty
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.binaries.pictures.d
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.binaries.pictures.erotica
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.binaries.sounds.d
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.binaries.sounds.misc
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.comedy.british
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.comp.acad-freedom.news
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.galactic-guide
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.manga
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.sex.wizards
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.society.ati
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: ba.broadcast
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Warning! Bogus newsgroup: ba.dance
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Bye-bye.
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Caught an internal error--.newsrc restored
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@osc /v/lang/strick 8 % ^C
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