866 lines
49 KiB
Plaintext
866 lines
49 KiB
Plaintext
Date: Thu, 7 Jan 93 10:56:33 PST
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Reply-To: <cocot@osc.versant.com>
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Message-ID: <surfpunk-0022@SURFPUNK.Technical.Journal>
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Mime-Version: 1.0
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Content-Type: text/plain
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From: cocot@osc.versant.com (Gurer vf NOFBYHGRYL AB JNEENAGL sbe TQO)
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To: surfpunk@osc.versant.com (SURFPUNK Technical Journal)
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Subject: [surfpunk-0022] PHILE: Dave Barry's Year in Review
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Keywords: surfpunk, Dave Barry, Mike Godwin
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| Information wants to be free.
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| Believe it, pal.
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| -- Bruce Sterling
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|___________________________________
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SMTP flow has been unreliable here recently in our corner of the
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northern California matrix; I've delayed the Return Of Surfpunk until
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it appeared a bit stable. But here we go anyway. Get ready for a
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barrage of SURFPUNKs, to catch up.
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If anyone understands how to fix the MX for "versant.com", and wants
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to just hack in and do it, feel free to! Or explain to me how...
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Dave Barry's writings have been around on The Net for a long time -- at
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first, without his permission; later, with his permission; and now,
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since his syndicate has asked us not to post them to the net, without
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permission again. See spaf's intro next ...
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--strick
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________________________________________________________________________
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________________________________________________________________________
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Source: Yucks Digest Sat, 2 Jan 93 Volume 3 : Issue 1
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________________________________________________________________________
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Date: Sun, 27 Dec 92 10:47:19 EST
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From: Mike Godwin <mnemonic@eff.org>
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Subject: Dave Barry's Year in Review
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To: eniac
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[Happy New Year's, folks! As a sort of New Year's tradition, here is
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Dave Barry's year in review, as sent out by Mike Godwin.
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Note that this is copyrighted "(C) 1992 THE MIAMI HERALD". However,
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as Mike is a well-respected lawyer aware of such things, I assume he
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got this from a source that didn't indicate distribution restrictions,
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otherwise he wouldn't have remailed it.
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If you have been living in a cave for the last few years (or spending
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too much time at your workstations), Dave Barry is one of America's
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premier humor writers. I encourage you to seek out his books if you
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are not already familiar with them.
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--spaf]
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JANUARY
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1 -- In the White House, George Bush, during a high-level discussion
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of possible U.S. responses to a strike by cork harvesters in Portugal,
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glances out the Oval Office window and notices that the darned U.S.
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economy is STILL in trouble. He vows to write a stern note to his
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economic advisers, Wayne and Garth, just as soon as he gets back from
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the upcoming meeting of The Six or Seven Top World Leaders Club, at
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which they are expected to agree, after two years of negotiations, on a
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secret handshake. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton -- a virtual unknown on the
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national scene, despite the fact that he has been governor of Arkansas
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since he was 17 -- arrives in New Hampshire with a truck containing 957
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separate eight-point policies, a 55-gallon drum of nasal decongestant
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and enough hair spray to immobilize the Brazilian rain forest.
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2 -- True Item: The Middle East is hit by its heaviest snowstorm in
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four decades.
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3 -- In an unprecedented broadcasting development, an entire hour
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passes during which there is not ONE SINGLE COMMERCIAL featuring Michael
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Jordan. The FCC vows to investigate.
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4 -- In Jerusalem, 47 Arabs and 38 Israelis are injured in the
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region's worst snowball fighting in four decades.
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5 -- True item: A Florida state appeals court rules that Broward
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County Sheriff Nick Navarro has to stop an operation under which
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sheriff-department personnel MANUFACTURED CRACK COCAINE, then sold it to
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citizens, then arrested these citizens for buying it, because of course
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drugs are bad and need to be eliminated.
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6 -- Medical researchers at Johns Hopkins announce that a five-year
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study of cholesterol has revealed that the letters in "cholesterol"
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can be rearranged to spell "hooter cells." Bacon futures soar.
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7 -- The troubled airline industry announces that it will raise fares.
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In politics, New York Gov. Mario Cuomo calls a press conference to
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announce that, just in case anybody forgot, he has definitely ruled
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himself out of the presidential race. In a staggering economic blow to
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California's largest industry, the Food and Drug Administration calls
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for a moratorium on breast implants.
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8 -- President Bush flies to Japan accompanied by 237 high-level
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aides, 322 leading U.S. business executives, 517 journalists, 856
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security personnel, the first lady, 26 grandchildren and both White
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House dogs. Left behind, tragically, is the black briefcase containing
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the presidential Pepto-Bismol.
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9 -- Virginia Gov. Douglas Wilder pulls out of the presidential race,
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sending shock tremors through the estimated 15 people who knew he was
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running. Mario Cuomo calls an urgent press conference to announce that
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it will not be necessary for him to drop out, because he was never in.
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Elvis marks his 55th birthday with an appearance on the "Larry King
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Live" show.
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10 -- In Tokyo, President Bush scores an economic coup as the Japanese
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government, under intense pressure to open its doors to U.S. imports,
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agrees to purchase a 1992 Chevrolet Caprice. At a formal dinner hosted
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by the prime minister, the president formalizes the agreement by
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performing the ceremonial Ralph of Friendship.
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16 -- One year after the outbreak of the Gulf War, defeated and
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crestfallen dictator Saddam Hussein marks the occasion by attending the
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Invitational Kurd Shoot.
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18 -- The Supreme Court votes 6-5 to strike down a federal law
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requiring audits of Supreme Court voting procedures.
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20 -- The Japanese government's Caprice develops transmission trouble.
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22 -- The New Hampshire primary campaign is thrown into an uproar when
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the major news media, having vowed to focus on The Issues, give
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extensive coverage to allegations by Gennifer Flowers in a supermarket
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tabloid that, over a 12-year period, she and Bill Clinton repeatedly met
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in secret to discuss his program for national health insurance.
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24 -- An estimated 750 journalists attend an emotional press
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conference at which Gennifer Flowers plays a tape recording of a man,
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whom she identifies as Bill Clinton, revealing intimate details of his
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position on federal alfalfa subsidies.
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26 -- In the most surprising Super Bowl finish in the game's 27-year
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history, the Washington Redskins and the Buffalo Bills agree to stop
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playing in the third quarter so they can watch Bill and Hillary Clinton
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discuss their marriage on "60 Minutes."
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------
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FEBRUARY
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1 -- In sports, heavyweight rocket scientist Mike Tyson KO's himself.
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2 -- In what has become a Groundhog Day tradition, Pennsylvania's
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famous furry critter "Punxsutawney Phil" emerges from hibernation and
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appears on "Larry King Live." The troubled airline industry announces
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that fares will henceforth be based on a complex formula involving the
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outcomes of collegiate hockey games. Bert Parks leaves to MC that Big
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Beauty Pageant in the Sky.
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4 -- True Item: An archaeological expedition, guided by photographs
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taken from space, locates a "lost city" buried under the desert of
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southern Oman.
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7 -- President Bush, responding to allegations that his use of the
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potent sleeping-pill Halcion has caused him to act erratically, angrily
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tells reporters that they are "big Methodist spiders."
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8 -- The lost city in southern Oman is identified as Toledo, Ohio,
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which apparently has been missing since 1987, but nobody noticed until
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now.
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10 -- Commemorating the 500th anniversary of Columbus' voyage,
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authentic reproductions of the sailing ships Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria
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set out for the "New World." Alex Haley returns to his "Roots."
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11 -- In New Hampshire, Bill Clinton's character comes under further
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scrutiny when the news media obtain a 1969 photograph showing him
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reporting for a draft physical wearing a dress. Immediately, a new
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surprise front-runner emerges in the form of former U.S. senator and
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suspected pod person Paul E. Tsongas, who informs the press, via an
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interpreter, that, in order for the economy to recover, "everybody must
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swim laps." Mario Cuomo begins a 27-city bus tour of the Granite State
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to remind voters that he is not running.
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12 -- The Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria sail off the edge of the Earth.
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17 -- In Milwaukee, Jeffrey Dahmer is sentenced to life in prison with
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no refrigerator privileges.
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18 -- President Bush's political vulnerability is exposed brutally in
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the New Hampshire primary balloting when he finishes just barely ahead
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of Pat Buchanan, and 47 points behind Mrs. Bush.
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19 -- A historic accord is achieved in troubled Lebanon when
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representatives of all 19 warring factions meet to agree on a system of
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color-coded uniforms so everybody will know whom to shoot at. Elsewhere
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abroad, the beleaguered Cuban government announces a plan to ration
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gravity.
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20 -- Appearing on "Larry King Live," H. Ross Perot announces that
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if his supporters put him on the ballot in all 50 states, he will have
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them all investigated. In Lebanon, the opening session of the Color-
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Coded-Uniform Conference erupts in gunfire following a dispute over
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which faction gets to wear teal.
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21 -- In Winter Olympics action, NBC elects to simply re-broadcast
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videotapes of the luge and bobsled events from 1976, since nobody can
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tell the difference.
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25 -- The U.S. Postal Service, bored with trying to deliver the actual
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mail, announces a plan to spend millions of taxpayer dollars deciding
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which face to put on the Elvis stamp.
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26 -- In Washington, the Supreme Court, in a landmark 9-8 decision,
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rules that if you pass "GO," you don't HAVE to collect the $200.
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27 -- Mario Cuomo calls a press conference to announce that he is
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withdrawing his face from consideration for the Elvis stamp.
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28 -- The troubled airline industry enters the Betty Ford Clinic.
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------
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MARCH
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1 -- Pat Buchanan wins the Austrian primary.
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2 -- Saddam Hussein appears on "Larry King Live."
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3 -- Business and academic professionals around the world are gripped
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by panic following dire warnings from numerous experts that tens of
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thousands of computers could be infected with the dread Michelangelo
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virus, set to strike on March 6.
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4 -- A grim President Bush places U.S. armed forces on Full Red Alert
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in preparation for the expected onslaught of the dread Michelangelo
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virus.
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5 -- Highways leading from major metropolitan areas are hopelessly
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jammed by millions of fear-crazed motorists fleeing from the oncoming
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Michelangelo virus.
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6 -- As predicted, the dread Michelangelo virus erupts, wreaking
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untold havoc on an estimated one computer belonging to Rose Deegle of
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Rochester, N.Y., whose Christmas-card list is nearly wiped out. Vice
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President Quayle jets in to oversee the relief effort.
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8 -- Michelangelo appears on "Larry King Live."
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9 -- True Item: Led by the Surgeon General, U.S. doctors call on R.J.
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Reynolds to dump the "Old Joe" cartoon camel as a symbol for Camel
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cigarettes, on the grounds that it has great appeal to children.
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10 -- Jerry Brown wins the Disneyland primary.
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11 -- In New York, the trial of accused Mafia kingpin John Gotti is
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recessed while the judge considers a defense motion to declare a
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mistrial because "The air seems to be running a little low inside the
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55-gallon drum where we are keeping your honor's mother."
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12 -- True Item: Tammy Faye Bakker announces that she is seeking a
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divorce, saying that waiting for her convicted evangelist troll husband,
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Jim, to get out of jail is "too hard on the physical body."
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13 -- Controversy flares anew over professional baseball's escalating
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salaries when the Chicago Cubs sign a five-year, $43 million contract
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with catcher Tom Daily, who died in 1939.
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14 -- In a heartwarming display of concern for the health of the
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young, R.J. Reynolds announces that it will dump "Old Joe," and that
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Camels will henceforth be represented by "Old Kermit the Frog."
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17 -- A ray of sunshine penetrates the gloomy national mood as
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Americans delight to a hilarious new nightly TV comedy,
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"Congresspersons Explain Why They Were Not Responsible For Overdrawing
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Their Own Personal Checking Accounts As Many As Several Hundred Times In
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One Year," featuring a parade of elected officials maintaining straight
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faces while offering excuses that make the act of balancing a checkbook
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appear far more complex than a space-shuttle launch.
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18 -- Convicted tax felon and Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley is sentenced
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to prison. Concerned about the pacing of its games, the National
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Football League decides to eliminate the "instant replay" after a
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study shows that seven games from the 1991 season are still going on.
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19 -- The sergeant-at-arms of the House of Representatives, who had
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been responsible for the House bank, resigns to accept a key position in
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the savings-and-loan industry.
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20 -- Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley escapes from prison by climbing out a
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third-floor window and shinnying down what police describe as "a very
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large strand of pearls."
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22 -- New York City police suspect that escaped Hotel Queen Leona
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Helmsley could be at large in Manhattan following an incident in which a
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woman wearing a mink ski mask burst into a midtown beauty salon and
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forced an employee to pedicure her at gunpoint.
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24 -- True Item: Mrs. Manuel Noriega is arrested at a Miami department
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store and charged with snipping 27 buttons off of 10 women's jackets.
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25 -- In a major intelligence coup, the U.S. government learns that it
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might not need to have 300,000 troops defending West Germany from East
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Germany, because these are now THE SAME COUNTRY. Officials begin
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planning a lightning military maneuver that could mean that, by 1995,
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there will be only 150,000 U.S. troops defending Germany from itself.
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29 -- Paul Tsongas drops out of the Democratic race and immediately
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surges ahead in the polls. The school board in Doober County, Ala.,
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responding to pressure from concerned parents, votes to ban "David
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Copperfield" from the high-school curriculum on the grounds that it
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"contains words."
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30 -- Bill Clinton, wooing the weenie vote, says he tried marijuana,
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but was unable to inhale.
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31 -- "Silence of the Lambs" is the big winner in the Academy Award
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ceremonies, which culminate in an emotional moment when Best Actor
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Anthony Hopkins breaks down on stage and ralphs up what is later
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identified as a segment of Best Actress Jodie Foster.
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------
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APRIL
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1 -- Members of the U.S. House of Representatives vote to stop getting
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themselves re-elected by spending billions of taxpayer dollars on
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unnecessary weapons and military bases and moron projects for purposes
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such as asparagus research. April Fool.
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2 -- True Item: Scientists announce the discovery of a massive, 1,500-
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year-old fungus in Michigan. It covers at least 37 acres, making it the
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largest living thing on Earth, after Rush Limbaugh. In New York, John
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Gotti is convicted on all 13 counts of racketeering and murder; the
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judge, in an unusual sentence, orders him "to be more careful next
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time."
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3 -- An international arms-inspection team begins to suspect that Iraq
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may be concealing missiles when they happen to observe several downtown
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Baghdad "telephone poles" blasting into the sky.
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4 -- A National Institutes of Health panel on weight control releases
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its long-awaited report, which unfortunately is unreadable because of
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chocolate stains. The giant Michigan fungus appears on "Larry King
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Live."
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5 -- Sam Walton experiences the Ultimate Discount.
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6 -- True Item: The ceremonial first pitch of the 1992 baseball
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season, thrown by President Bush in Baltimore's new stadium, lands in
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the dirt. Isaac Asimov returns to his Foundation.
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7 -- Another True Item: The Supreme Court rules that undercover
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federal agents acted improperly in a "sting" operation wherein they
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spent more than two years relentlessly trying to sell child pornography
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to a Nebraska man, and then, when he finally ordered some, they arrested
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him. Legal scholars ponder what would happen if undercover agents
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accidentally purchased federally distributed kiddie porn with cocaine
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manufactured by the Broward County Sheriff's Office.
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9 -- Great Britain elects an entire new government following a
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campaign that took less time, total, than U.S. politicians will need,
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later in the year, to agree on a debate format.
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10 -- The Bush administration proposes legislation to shorten the
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distance between the pitcher's mound and home plate. Convicted savings-
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and-loan magnate Charles Keating is sentenced to 10 years in prison, but
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works out a deal wherein he will actually serve only 10 days of his own
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time, and use depositors' time for the rest of the sentence.
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11 -- Sam Kinison has his last laugh.
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12 -- In a triumph for the Bush administration following the U.S.
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invasion of Panama and a trial costing millions of dollars, a Miami jury
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convicts Manuel Noriega on charges of receiving stolen buttons.
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13 -- Ross Perot announces that the country is all messed up, but that
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he has ordered a plan to fix everything and will reveal it just as soon
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as he takes delivery. His polls soar.
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14 -- Bill Clinton's political strategists, concerned that Hillary
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could be hurting the campaign by appearing to harbor opinions, enroll
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her in the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic, where she is
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confined to the much-feared Heloise Unit.
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15 -- True Item: President and Mrs. Bush's tax returns are made
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public, revealing that in 1991 the President made $2,718 in royalties
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for his autobiography, whereas First Dog Millie made $889,176 for hers.
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17 -- Downtown Chicago is paralyzed for what will turn out to be
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several days by a massive, multimillion-dollar flood, the cause of which
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is ultimately traced to the home of Arnold Spooterman, whose last words,
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according to his wife, were "We don't need a plumber. I'll just tighten
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this ..."
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18 -- A closer inspection of the Bush tax return shows a business
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deduction for $457,756 worth of "chew toys."
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21 -- NASA scientists, using sophisticated computer analysis of
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photographs obtained from the Hubble Space Telescope, report that there
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is a dead bug on the lens.
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25 -- Ross Perot announces that his plan to fix the country up has
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been delayed because some parts had to be back-ordered, but it should
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arrive "within a couple of weeks." His polls soar.
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27 -- The War on Drugs scores a major victory when U.S. agents, acting
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on a tip, arrest Peru.
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29 -- Riots erupt in Los Angeles after residents obtain an advance
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copy of the "Murphy Brown" script in which she becomes an unwed
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mother.
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30 -- Looting spreads to many areas of L.A., including Rodeo Drive,
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where witnesses report seeing escaped Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley
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breaking into a leading boutique by hurling a large diamond against the
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plate-glass window.
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------
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MAY
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1 -- Political leaders from all over the nation rush to Los Angeles to
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express their concern for the inner city, until the TV lights go out.
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5 -- Ross Perot's poll ratings surge again after he announces that his
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plan to fix the country finally did arrive, but had to be sent back
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because of a faulty binding. Hillary Clinton, newly released from a
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successful treatment at the Donna Reed Housewife Rehabilitation Clinic,
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declares that the No. 1 concern of the public is "closet space."
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6 -- The final credits roll for Marlene Dietrich.
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11 -- True Item: United Airlines announces that it will serve
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McDonald's food on more than 250 flights departing daily from Chicago's
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O'Hare airport.
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14 -- Another True Item: Sen. Dennis DeConcini, D-Ariz., endorsing a
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balanced-budget amendment, says: "We're going to finally wrestle to the
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ground this gigantic orgasm that is just out of control."
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15 -- Damage is estimated at $3.7 million after a United Airlines
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pilot attempts to taxi a fully loaded 727 up to a McDonald's drive-thru
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window.
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16 -- Sen. Dennis DeConcini denies any knowledge of a life-size
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inflatable copy of the federal budget found in his car.
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18 -- Halcion gets a clean bill of health when a Food and Drug
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Administration panel reports that the controversial drug "poses
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absolutely no threat to the little talking harmonicas that live in your
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nose." Lawrence Welk passes away, but this is not expected to affect
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his performing skills.
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19 -- Tributes to Johnny Carson dominate the airwaves as the beloved
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"Tonight Show" host, in his last week on the air, is visited by a
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glittering array of celebrities, including Cher, Newt Gingrich and
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devastated Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, who tells the late-night
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legend that he never misses the monologue, "even when I'm in the
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bunker."
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20 -- In a major policy address, Dan Quayle points out that Dumbo's
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mom was unwed, thereby touching off riots in four major cities. On the
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"Tonight Show," Johnny's guests include Marky Mark and the Joint
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Chiefs of Staff.
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21 -- In what will later be viewed as a mistake, the crack Middle East
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Peace Negotiating Team is sent into what used to be Yugoslavia. Johnny
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Carson plays host to Mother Teresa, the Chicago Bulls, Telly Savalas,
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Susan Sontag and Weird Al Yankovic.
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22 -- In Los Angeles, a judge orders police officers acquitted of
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beating Rodney King to be re-tried, this time by a jury that is not
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legally blind. At the White House, Dan Quayle is bitten by Millie, best-
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selling author and unwed mother. On his much-anticipated final show,
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Johnny Carson, following a moving tribute by Princess Diana, Orson
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Welles and six of the original 12 apostles, announces that he has
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decided not to retire.
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30 -- A Milwaukee judge rules that a Chicago man, whose sperm was used
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to fertilize an egg removed from an Atlanta woman who was paid by a
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Detroit couple who have since divorced and are now in a bitter court
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dispute over what brand of refrigerator to keep the embryo in, DOES have
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the right to be in the first segment when the story is featured on
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"Oprah."
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------
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JUNE
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1 -- Uncertainty grips the Middle East as brain surgeons in Jordan
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work for seven hours on PLO leader Yasser Arafat, but are unable to get
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that cloth thing off his head.
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3 -- Bill Clinton, seeking to improve his image among young voters,
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goes on "The Arsenio Hall Show" and, after donning a pair of dark
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sunglasses, smokes a joint.
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4 -- Thousands of delegates from all over the world jet to Rio de
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Janeiro for the Earth Summit, an event that scientists predict will
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severely deplete the planet's dwindling supply of hors d'oeuvres.
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8 -- By an unfortunate coincidence, the annual "Tailhook" convention
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of naval aviators happens to be booked into the same Las Vegas hotel as
|
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the Association of Women Karate Instructors. "I had no idea," states
|
|
one observer, "that an aviator could fly that far without an aircraft.
|
|
"
|
|
9 -- At the Earth Summit, a day of often-heated debate finally draws
|
|
to a close when delegates, by an unexpectedly close margin, vote to
|
|
order the veal scaloppine. Jimmy Hoffa appears on "Larry King Live."
|
|
10 -- Doubts arise concerning Ross Perot's claim to be a Washington
|
|
"outsider" after The New York Times reports that the Dallas
|
|
billionaire owns the Smithsonian Institution, the Lincoln Memorial and
|
|
an estimated 53 percent interest in the House of Representatives. New
|
|
"Tonight Show" host Jay Leno welcomes special guest George Bush, who
|
|
seeks to improve his image among younger voters by performing "Smoke on
|
|
the Water" on the ukulele. Earth Summit delegates vote to distribute
|
|
680,000 copies of the 571-page Official Earth Summit Manifesto to End
|
|
Waste and Souvenir Album.
|
|
11 -- The U.S. Senate, after intense lobbying by the National Rifle
|
|
Association, defeats a bill banning handguns in the womb.
|
|
12 -- In a landmark decision, a federal judge in Los Angeles rules
|
|
that if the National Endowment for the Arts is going to use taxpayers'
|
|
money to buy art, the taxpayers should get to decide what KIND of art.
|
|
13 -- Ross Perot, appearing on the David Letterman show, wows young
|
|
voters with a rendition of "Stairway to Heaven" on a nose flute. The
|
|
National Endowment for the Arts purchases 3.4 million paintings of dogs
|
|
playing poker. Scientists detect a large new hole in the ozone layer,
|
|
believed to be caused by fumes from flaming desserts served at the Earth
|
|
Summit.
|
|
14 -- The U.S. House, after a lengthy session during which virtually
|
|
every member gets up and makes an impassioned speech stating that
|
|
Something Must Be Done about the deficit, rejects the balanced-budget
|
|
amendment.
|
|
15 -- President Bush's brain trust, seeking some positive press
|
|
coverage, shrewdly decides to send the President to Panama, where he is
|
|
welcomed by happy natives who stage an enthusiastic welcoming
|
|
demonstration until they are driven off by tear gas.
|
|
16 -- As the ongoing Iran-Contra investigation enters its 19th year,
|
|
Special Prosecutor Lawrence Walsh calls a press conference to announce
|
|
that he is appointing a Special Task Force to try to remember who the
|
|
"Contras" were.
|
|
17 -- Seeking to boost the sagging U.S. humor industry, Vice President
|
|
Quayle gives a spelling lesson.
|
|
18 -- True Item: A federal audit shows that William Reilly, the head
|
|
of the Environmental Protection Agency, which sets strict mileage
|
|
standards for cars owned by ordinary humans, often drives a federal car
|
|
that gets 6.3 miles per gallon.
|
|
23 -- In yet another indication of public anger, voters in Kansas
|
|
approve a referendum mandating the death penalty for anybody who runs
|
|
for Congress more than twice.
|
|
27 -- Ross Perot, angered by allegations of former campaign staff
|
|
members that he pried into their private lives, threatens to release
|
|
photographs of them naked. The summer's smash movie hit is "Batman
|
|
Returns," featuring a bizarre array of evil new characters such as
|
|
"The Penguin," played by Danny DeVito; and the "Cat Woman," played
|
|
by escaped Hotel Queen Leona Helmsley. EPA head William Reilly is
|
|
arrested for whaling. Education Vice President Quayle explains to a
|
|
Detroit high-school science class that airplanes can fly because of
|
|
"big bees in the wings."
|
|
------
|
|
JULY
|
|
1 -- With the economy mired in a recession and Democrats preparing to
|
|
nominate a highly skilled campaigner in Bill Clinton, Republican Party
|
|
strategists realize that their only realistic hope for guaranteeing
|
|
George Bush's re-election is to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding.
|
|
2 -- Financially troubled Braniff Airlines suddenly ceases operations,
|
|
but officials assure nervous passengers that most flights "should be
|
|
able to glide to safety."
|
|
3 -- In a top-secret nighttime launch, the U.S. military orbits a
|
|
nuclear-powered $47.5 million state-of-the-art laser-equipped satellite
|
|
designed to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding.
|
|
7 -- A freak tidal wave hits Daytona Beach, Fla., baffling scientists.
|
|
8 -- In a hopeful development involving the international debt crisis,
|
|
Brazil promises world bankers that it will pay them their money
|
|
"tomorrow." In Daytona Beach, the tidal-wave mystery is resolved when
|
|
satellite photos detect Ted Kennedy breast-stroking about three miles
|
|
offshore.
|
|
9 -- The U.N. Security Council meets in a closed session with
|
|
representatives of the CIA, the FBI, the Mafia, the Trilateral
|
|
Commission, the Justice League of America and the Fantastic Four to
|
|
finalize secret plans for messing up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding.
|
|
World bankers arrive in South America to discover that Brazil, according
|
|
to neighboring Argentina, moved out the night before after packing all
|
|
of its natural resources into a U-Haul truck.
|
|
10 -- Bill Clinton, in a shrewd tactical move designed to woo the
|
|
crucial department-store-mannequin vote, picks Al Gore as his running
|
|
mate. Meanwhile, the U.S. Sixth and Seventh Fleets, accompanied by seven
|
|
"Thumper" class nuclear submarines and elements of the 4th, 9th, 16th
|
|
and 28th Tactical Air Flying Bomber Squadrons, proceed at maximum speed
|
|
toward a secret rendezvous point in the Caribbean, where they receive
|
|
Urgent Priority Code Red instructions to "use whatever means necessary,
|
|
including nuclear weapons, to mess up Ross Perot's daughter's wedding."
|
|
Eric Sevareid goes to heaven, where he will be constantly mistaken for
|
|
God.
|
|
13 -- True Item: In the Pacific Ocean, the U.S. Navy missile cruiser
|
|
Cowpens messes up during a training exercise and informs an Australian
|
|
commercial airliner via radio that unless it changes course immediately,
|
|
"you will be fired upon."
|
|
14 -- In New York, delegates to the Democratic Convention, sensing a
|
|
chance for victory after 12 years out of power, roar with approval when
|
|
a passionate Mario Cuomo declares that he "might still be available."
|
|
16 -- Ross Perot, sacrificing personal gratification to save the
|
|
nation from the devastation that would inevitably result from the
|
|
international conspiracy to mess up his daughter's wedding, announces
|
|
that he does not wish to be president, forcing many of his followers to
|
|
turn to their second choice, the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. The surprise
|
|
announcement sends a wave of elation through the Democratic convention
|
|
in New York, where new nominee Bill Clinton, launching into his
|
|
acceptance speech, boldly declares that he loves his mom.
|
|
17 -- Increasingly suspicious U.N. arms inspectors observe as Iraqi
|
|
dictator Saddam Hussein, visiting a street market, purchases a 17-foot-
|
|
long "zucchini" clearly labeled "50 megatons." A grim-faced
|
|
President Bush threatens to "send troops partway to Baghdad, then order
|
|
them to stop." In New York, Bill Clinton nears the halfway mark in his
|
|
acceptance speech.
|
|
18 -- Bill Clinton concludes his acceptance speech and sets out on a
|
|
bus tour of the Heartland with Al Gore, whose body is unable to bend
|
|
enough to fit in the bus seats, so his aides just stick him up on the
|
|
luggage rack, still in a waving position.
|
|
22 -- The Colombian government's commitment to the War on Drugs comes
|
|
into question after Pablo Escobar, the world's leading cocaine dealer,
|
|
manages to escape from the Envigado prison, along with nine henchmen, by
|
|
telling guards he needs to retrieve his Frisbee.
|
|
25 -- Clinton and Gore are forced to abandon their Heartland campaign
|
|
trip when their bus is "mistakenly" fired on by the U.S. missile
|
|
cruiser Cowpens.
|
|
28 -- In the War on Drugs, the hideout of Pablo Escobar is located and
|
|
surrounded by 2,000 Colombian troops, but the wily cocaine lord manages
|
|
to make his escape after shouting, "Your fly is down!"
|
|
29 -- In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team defeats the
|
|
Republic of Zwit 563-4, with Charles Barkley scoring 153 points before
|
|
being ejected late in the second quarter for arson.
|
|
------
|
|
AUGUST
|
|
1 -- This would have been an excellent time for South Floridians to
|
|
check on their homeowners' insurance.
|
|
2 -- In Olympic basketball action, the Dream Team, seeking to save
|
|
time, defeats teams from Brazil, Poland and Canada simultaneously.
|
|
5 -- By a 27-18 vote, the Supreme Court rules that, once on the
|
|
island, Gilligan is not legally required to obey orders from the
|
|
Skipper.
|
|
6 -- In Olympic basketball, the Dream Team defeats an invading force
|
|
of Atomic Death Robots From The Planet Dorg. Elsewhere in sports, the
|
|
San Francisco Giants threaten to move to Tampa Bay.
|
|
7 -- True Item: The Environmental Protection Agency declares that lawn
|
|
mowers are a source of air pollution. All over America, deeply concerned
|
|
guys have no choice but to abandon their grass-cutting plans and take
|
|
planet-saving naps.
|
|
8 -- Basketball legend Larry Bird retires, citing concern over Ross
|
|
Perot's daughter's wedding.
|
|
14 -- John Sirica receives the Big Subpoena.
|
|
18 -- As the Republican Party, facing an uphill fight, gathers in
|
|
Houston for a crucial convention, millions of issues-conscious American
|
|
voters focus their full attention on Woody Allen and Mia Farrow.
|
|
19 -- Pat Buchanan gives the Bush-Quayle ticket a nice boost,
|
|
appealing to a broad spectrum of Americans with a speech entitled,
|
|
"Vote For Us; We're Better Than You." The Giants threaten to move to
|
|
Dayton, Ohio.
|
|
20 -- The troubled General Motors Corp. announces that, in an effort
|
|
to cut costs, it will stop making cars. At the Republican Convention,
|
|
it's Traditional Family Values night, as delegates burn a suspected
|
|
witch.
|
|
21 -- In a widely praised speech accepting his renomination, President
|
|
Bush, showing a new awareness of the task ahead, pledges to "think up
|
|
some programs or something." Hillary Clinton challenges Barbara Bush to
|
|
a bake-off.
|
|
22 -- Vice President Quayle, shrewdly stealing a page from the
|
|
Democrats' strategy, embarks on an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile Tour of the
|
|
Heartland. The Giants threaten to move to France.
|
|
23 -- Hurricane Andrew approaches South Florida. Desperate residents
|
|
shop for plywood, batteries, flashlights and canned food. Roofers price
|
|
luxury cars. In politics, representatives of the Bush and Clinton camps
|
|
begin negotiating the bake-off format.
|
|
24 -- Hurricane Andrew hits the mainland, setting in motion one of the
|
|
largest domestic relief efforts in U.S. history as public and private
|
|
organizations send in billions of dollars, tons of supplies, thousands
|
|
of relief workers, and an estimated two insurance adjustors.
|
|
27 -- In politics, bake-off negotiations are stalled when the Clinton
|
|
camp rejects a proposed all-cookie format; a spokesperson argues that
|
|
"there has to be pie representation."
|
|
29 -- Confusion continues to plague the hurricane cleanup effort as an
|
|
Army troop convoy, transporting 50,000 tons of relief Spam through an
|
|
area with no working traffic signals, attempts to obey obscure hand
|
|
gestures being flashed at intersections by well-meaning but highly
|
|
nonprofessional volunteer traffic directors, and winds up driving into
|
|
the Atlantic Ocean, where it is mistakenly fired upon by the missile
|
|
cruiser Cowpens.
|
|
------
|
|
SEPTEMBER
|
|
1 -- President Bush, in a move that his aides stress has nothing to do
|
|
with electoral votes, announces plans to build a major naval base in
|
|
Illinois.
|
|
2 -- International arms monitors voice renewed concern when an
|
|
operable nuclear warhead from the former Soviet Union shows up in the
|
|
Action Figures section of a Passaic, N.J., Toys "R" Us.
|
|
4 -- In an effort to make the hurricane recovery more efficient, Dade
|
|
County, Fla., approves a plan permitting mobile-home manufacturers to
|
|
set up thousands of new units that have been predestroyed at the
|
|
factory, thus reducing paperwork later on. The Giants threaten to move
|
|
to the National Hockey League.
|
|
6 -- General Motors offers a credit card.
|
|
9 -- In a political scandal that the Bush administration can ill
|
|
afford, newspapers report that a State Department political appointee
|
|
has improperly used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain and
|
|
distribute crucial information concerning Hillary Clinton's brownie
|
|
ingredients. Bake-off negotiations collapse. In the troubled world
|
|
currency market, the franc gains sharply against the mark.
|
|
10 -- In a controversial decision, Madonna wins the Miss America
|
|
Pageant.
|
|
12 -- A team of surgeons at the Houston Medical Center successfully
|
|
implants a miniature dinette set inside the brain of a 57-year-old
|
|
asthma sufferer. "It won't help him," notes a spokesperson, "but it
|
|
is covered by insurance." In sports, the Giants threaten to move to the
|
|
14th Century.
|
|
13 -- Due to a manufacturing defect, General Motors is forced to
|
|
recall 275,000 credit cards. In troubled world currency action, the
|
|
pound falls sharply against the lira, knocking it into the pfennig,
|
|
which suffers a minor injury.
|
|
17 -- With the nation facing harsh choices on major issues concerning
|
|
the economy, health care and the ever-spiraling federal budget deficit,
|
|
the U.S. Congress, long ridiculed for shortsighted political cowardice,
|
|
stuns its many critics by summoning up the courage and vision to pass,
|
|
after heated debate, a law regulating cable-TV rates.
|
|
21 -- True Item: A high-school teacher in a Chicago suburb reveals
|
|
that he punishes students by making them listen to tapes of Frank
|
|
Sinatra. In the ongoing world currency crisis, the yen calls up Domino's
|
|
and, disguising its voice, has 200 pepperoni pizzas delivered to the
|
|
peso.
|
|
25 -- In a landmark ruling, an Orlando, Fla., judge declares that a
|
|
12-year-old boy has the right to select his own parents. He selects
|
|
Marge and Homer Simpson.
|
|
28 -- The political world is thrown into an uproar when Ross Perot,
|
|
having thwarted the intergalactic plot to mess up his daughter's
|
|
wedding, hints he may re-enter the presidential race. He invites Bush
|
|
and Clinton campaign officials to visit him and indicate their views by
|
|
spelling out words with their tongues on his shoes.
|
|
29 -- True Item: Police arrest Eric Adam Kaplan, a candidate for the
|
|
Florida Legislature, and charge him with firing five bullets into the
|
|
home of his opponent, incumbent Bob Starks, and wounding Starks' wife in
|
|
the leg. Kaplan is immediately hired to direct Pat Buchanan's 1996
|
|
campaign. World currency troubles continue as the mark claims to have
|
|
photographs of the franc naked with the pound.
|
|
30 -- Political observers begin to suspect that something is afoot
|
|
when Ross Perot, in what a spokesperson describes as "merely a gesture
|
|
of appreciation, with no strings attached," donates $750 million to the
|
|
Electoral College.
|
|
31 -- Ignore this. September has only 30 days.
|
|
------
|
|
OCTOBER
|
|
1 -- True Item: During a NATO exercise in the Aegean Sea, the U.S.
|
|
aircraft carrier Saratoga accidentally launches two live missiles at a
|
|
Turkish destroyer. Bill Clinton, wooing voters without lives, appears on
|
|
"As the World Turns."
|
|
2 -- Ross Perot re-enters the presidential race, pledging to "clean
|
|
up this mess in Washington" and "get these tiny CIA computers out of
|
|
my teeth." The missile cruiser Cowpens begins steaming toward Turkey.
|
|
President Bush appears on the Home Shopping Network.
|
|
3 -- In a shrewd public-relations move that garners enormous sympathy
|
|
for her cause, whatever it is, follicly impaired singer Sinead O'Connor
|
|
tears up a photo of the Pope.
|
|
5 -- After more than a month of on-again, off-again negotiations, a
|
|
debate format is finally agreed upon, and all four major news networks
|
|
interrupt their prime-time programming to present the first of four
|
|
scheduled prime-time confrontations between Mia Farrow and Woody Allen.
|
|
6 -- Turkey surrenders to the United States.
|
|
10 -- True item: The Associated Press reports that a West Virginia man
|
|
who had been drinking beer decided to clean three handguns, and wound up
|
|
shooting himself in the foot THREE TIMES. He is immediately hired to
|
|
direct strategy for the Bush campaign.
|
|
11 -- The Pope, appearing on the "Larry King Live" show, tears up a
|
|
photograph of Sinead O'Connor.
|
|
13 -- In the first of four presidential debates, Bill Clinton promises
|
|
to increase spending for jobs, education, health care, the environment,
|
|
the infrastructure, the outfrastructure and parking, while at the same
|
|
time reducing the deficit and cutting taxes for the middle class. Bush
|
|
says Clinton is a bozo. Ross Perot says it's time to cut bait and talk
|
|
turkey. All three candidates perform well in the Swimsuit Competition.
|
|
16 -- The three major vice-presidential candidates debate. Here is the
|
|
complete transcript: "MY turn!" "No, MINE!" "What?" "Doodyhead!"
|
|
"Weiner brain!" "Where am I?" "ARE TOO!" "AM NOT!" "What's
|
|
going on?" "Liar liar pants on fire!" "Nanny nanny boo-boo!" "Who
|
|
are these people?"
|
|
18 -- In Atlanta, during ceremonies opening Game Two of the World
|
|
Series between the Braves and the Toronto Blue Jays, the Marine Corps
|
|
color guard carries the Canadian flag upside-down. The Marine Corps
|
|
stresses that this was "totally unintentional."
|
|
19 -- In the second presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to
|
|
increase spending on the inner cities, suburbs, rural areas, the
|
|
wilderness, the ozone layer and the asteroid belt, while at the same
|
|
time eliminating government waste and heart disease. George Bush says
|
|
Clinton is a communist whoremonger. Ross Perot says you have to bale hay
|
|
while the tractor is warm.
|
|
20 -- During ceremonies opening Game Three of the World Series in
|
|
Toronto, a Royal Canadian Air Force marching unit, in a development that
|
|
the Canadian government later stresses was "totally unintentional,"
|
|
opens fire on the Marine Corps color guard.
|
|
21 -- Literature-lovers flock to bookstores to purchase the latest
|
|
work by respected author and naked person Madonna, featuring photos of a
|
|
number of celebrities, including Millie and -- in yet another blow to a
|
|
once-proud institution -- four members of the British royal family.
|
|
22 -- Red Barber calls his final out.
|
|
23 -- In the third presidential debate, Bill Clinton promises to give
|
|
every single voter a briefcase full of money, then clean the voter's
|
|
garage, while at the same time fighting cavities and saving Bambi's mom
|
|
from the hunters. George Bush says that Clinton is Satan. Ross Perot
|
|
says you can't feed grits to a dead hog.
|
|
24 -- True Item: An astronomer at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for
|
|
Astrophysics predicts that the comet Swift-Tuttle could strike the Earth
|
|
in 2126.
|
|
26 -- In the fourth and final presidential debate, Bill Clinton
|
|
promises to give voters a magic pill that will enable them to live
|
|
forever while at the same time never suffering from hair loss. George
|
|
Bush bites Clinton on the leg. Ross Perot says it takes two snakes to
|
|
cross a puddle. A post-debate poll of prospective voters shows that the
|
|
majority of them believe the Braves should have used their relief
|
|
pitchers more.
|
|
28 -- The Consumer Product Safety Committee orders that the comet
|
|
Swift-Tuttle be equipped with an air bag.
|
|
29 -- Bill Clinton loses his voice and stops talking. He surges in the
|
|
polls.
|
|
31 -- True Item: According to The Toledo (Ohio) Blade, "Two women who
|
|
attended a Halloween party dressed as tampons were recovering from burns
|
|
suffered when their costumes were set ablaze after they apparently came
|
|
in contact with a cigarette lighter."
|
|
------
|
|
NOVEMBER
|
|
1 -- Pollsters report that the presidential race is tightening as
|
|
voters swing from Clinton to Bush, with Perot support holding steady.
|
|
The Food and Drug Administration announces strict new regulations
|
|
governing tampon costumes.
|
|
2 -- Pollsters report that voters are swinging back from Bush toward
|
|
Clinton, with Perot support dropping slightly.
|
|
3 -- Pollsters report that voters are edging back toward Bush, then
|
|
suddenly darting back toward Clinton, with Perot supporters eating a ham
|
|
sandwich.
|
|
4 -- Pollsters report that the voters, by a statistically significant
|
|
margin, are saying that the election was yesterday, which means somebody
|
|
already got elected, although due to the margin of error it will be
|
|
necessary to conduct more polls to confirm this.
|
|
5 -- In post-election activity, President Bush, insisting that he is
|
|
"not bitter at all," orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a
|
|
strike against his own campaign headquarters. Meanwhile, Clinton,
|
|
speaking in sign language, indicates that he may not be able to
|
|
IMMEDIATELY fulfill all of his campaign promises, but he does expect,
|
|
within the first 100 days, to ask Congress to declare National Reed
|
|
Instruments Week.
|
|
6 -- News analysts, bored to death, declare that the Clinton
|
|
presidency has failed.
|
|
7 -- Socks the cat appears on the "Larry King Live" show.
|
|
8 -- Clinton is plunged into the first major controversy of his failed
|
|
presidency when top-level military officials object to his plan to
|
|
eliminate the armed forces' long-standing policy against admitting
|
|
people who have good haircuts.
|
|
10 -- The failed Clinton presidency faces yet another crisis, this
|
|
time a potential trade war that looms when France, in negotiations over
|
|
the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, defiantly rejects a U.S.
|
|
demand that the French Ministry of Agriculture stop subsidizing escargot
|
|
ranchers.
|
|
11 -- The Supremes Court, in a 3-0 ruling, declares that love is like
|
|
an itching in your heart, and baby, you can't scratch it.
|
|
13 -- In sports, Heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield is defeated by
|
|
challenger Bobby Fischer.
|
|
16 -- Bill Clinton angrily defends his choice of Vernon Jordan as
|
|
transition chief, claiming that Jordan's ties to the tobacco industry
|
|
will have "no effect" on Cabinet appointments. In the worsening Trade
|
|
War, Hillary Clinton, taking a more aggressive role now that the
|
|
election is over, orders the missile cruiser Cowpens to fire a strike
|
|
against the French wine tanker LeSnot.
|
|
19 -- In the worsening trade war, leakage from LeSnot causes what the
|
|
EPA calls the worst wine spill in the nation's history, a 600-mile wide
|
|
blot of Bordeaux approaching the U.S. mainland and expected to make
|
|
landfall in Virginia, where angry residents argue that a Cabernet would
|
|
have been far more appropriate. Clinton names Joe the Camel as secretary
|
|
of agriculture.
|
|
20 -- The trade war ends with a total French capitulation after
|
|
Hillary threatens to place a 300 percent export duty on Jerry Lewis
|
|
movies.
|
|
26 -- Adding more woes to Britain's troubled royal family, a fire
|
|
strikes the Queen's clothes closet, destroying 4,317 hats with an
|
|
estimated street value of $11. Superman dies, probably as a result of
|
|
wearing the same underwear for 50 years.
|
|
29 -- NASA officials hope to see a boost for the troubled space
|
|
program as the Space Shuttle Adventuresome blasts into space on a daring
|
|
mission to repair a faulty hose in the $34.3 million Orbital Washer-
|
|
Dryer orbited in a daring mission the previous month. In other space
|
|
developments, the Giants threaten to move to Saturn.
|
|
------
|
|
DECEMBER
|
|
1 -- What begins as a friendly transitional get-together between the
|
|
Bushes and Clintons ends in tragedy when Millie ralphs up what is later
|
|
identified as Socks the cat. In space, astronauts replace the Orbital
|
|
Washer hose, only to discover that the Orbital Dryer has lost its $13.6
|
|
million Space Lint Filter. The Space Shuttle Opportunity immediately
|
|
blasts into orbit on a daring resupply mission.
|
|
3 -- Professional baseball's owners, meeting to set the 1993 schedule,
|
|
vote unanimously to eliminate the actual games so everybody can devote
|
|
full time to contract hassles.
|
|
5 -- NASA suffers another setback when both the Shuttle Adventuresome
|
|
and the Shuttle Opportunity develop severe blockages in their $21.7
|
|
million Space Toilets. Space officials order the Shuttle Determined to
|
|
blast into orbit and attempt a daring mission to deploy the experimental
|
|
$103.9 million Space Plunger.
|
|
8 -- Congress, seeking to ease the pain during difficult times,
|
|
approves a $34.7 million program to teach defeated and retiring
|
|
congresspersons how to deal with ordinary civilian life, including
|
|
courses on Paying For Your Own Meal, Parking With Common People, Not
|
|
Writing Checks For More Money Than You Actually Have, and How To Buy A
|
|
Postage Stamp And Attach It To An Envelope.
|
|
14 -- In Britain, rumors flare anew concerning the troubled marriage
|
|
of Charles and Diana after a tabloid newspaper obtains a tape-recording
|
|
of an intimate telephone conversation between Charles and a party he
|
|
refers to as "Weejums."
|
|
19 -- In a surprise Cabinet move, Bill Clinton appoints Gennifer
|
|
Flowers as secretary of human affairs. In space, NASA's daring space-
|
|
repair effort comes to naught when the commander of the Space Shuttle
|
|
Determined, upon reaching orbit, discovers that the craft is
|
|
unmaneuverable due to the fact that a previous commander accidentally
|
|
left "The Club" on the steering wheel. NASA officials immediately
|
|
order the Shuttle Reliable to blast into orbit on a daring mission to
|
|
deliver the key.
|
|
23 -- Britain is shocked by the revelation that "Weejums" is a polo
|
|
pony. The Supreme Court votes 53-1 to request more pornography cases.
|
|
24 -- The American Medical Association, concluding a 10-year study on
|
|
why health-care costs are rising so fast, reports that the fundamental
|
|
cause "could be a number of things," so "we're going to schedule some
|
|
tests," but there is no need to worry because "insurance will pay for
|
|
it." Reaching across party lines, Bill Clinton appoints Orrin Hatch as
|
|
Proctologist General.
|
|
25 -- Santa narrowly avoids a missile fired by the Cowpens.
|
|
26 -- Allegations of Japanese "dumping" on the U.S. auto market
|
|
flare anew when 9-year-old Jason Loogett of Memphis, Tenn., discovers a
|
|
Toyota minivan in his Cracker Jacks. In other business news, the Food
|
|
and Drug Administration announces a ban on molecules.
|
|
27 -- Superman returns to life on "Larry King Live."
|
|
28 -- In yet another setback for NASA, the Space Shuttle Reliable is
|
|
rammed by the Space Shuttle Exxon Valdez, which is 357,000 miles off
|
|
course.
|
|
27 -- Saddam Hussein purchases the Giants.
|
|
31 -- A grateful nation celebrates the end, at last, of a truly
|
|
bizarre year, unaware that the crack Middle East Peace Negotiating Team,
|
|
having done all it can for the former Yugoslavia, is now heading for New
|
|
York. Meanwhile, bands of white men in dark suits are converging on New
|
|
Hampshire to begin laying the groundwork for their bids for the 1996
|
|
presidential primary. Fortunately, however, serious campaigning is not
|
|
expected to begin until next week. Until then, have a Happy New Year.
|
|
________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
|
|
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
|
|
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
|
|
themselves.
|
|
|
|
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
|
|
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
|
|
word "help" for instructions.
|
|
|
|
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
|
|
________________________________________________________________________
|
|
________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
The SURFPUNK Technical Journal is a dangerous multinational hacker zine
|
|
originating near BARRNET in the fashionable western arm of the northern
|
|
California matrix. Quantum Californians appear in one of two states,
|
|
spin surf or spin punk. Undetected, we are both, or might be neither.
|
|
________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
Send postings to <surfpunk@osc.versant.com>, subscription requests
|
|
to <surfpunk-request@osc.versant.com>. MIME encouraged.
|
|
Xanalogical archive access soon. Information wants to be free.
|
|
________________________________________________________________________
|
|
________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|