273 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
273 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
From derek@teleport.com Sat Mar 26 22:20:51 EST 1994
|
|
Article: 2870 of alt.zines
|
|
Path: news.cic.net!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!news.intercon.com!udel!news.sprintlink.net!news.world.net!news.teleport.com!news.teleport.com!not-for-mail
|
|
From: derek@teleport.com (Derek Gottfrid)
|
|
Newsgroups: alt.zines
|
|
Subject: NEW ZINE: SLAP #2
|
|
Date: 28 Feb 1994 23:12:53 -0800
|
|
Organization: Teleport - Portland's Public Access (503) 220-1016
|
|
Lines: 258
|
|
Message-ID: <2kuptl$s3d@elaine.teleport.com>
|
|
NNTP-Posting-Host: elaine.teleport.com
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
SLAP #2
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Letter from the Editor:
|
|
|
|
This issue is late but get used to it. I am a slow person. Actually there
|
|
were a series of events that prevented me from publishing this sooner. I
|
|
had been watching way too much violent TV and got a little crazy. I held
|
|
up a bunch of 7-11's and shot all the by-standers just for a cherry
|
|
slurpy. I was arrested and acquitted of all charges on the grounds that I
|
|
was a victim of Television Violence and couldn't be held
|
|
responsible....Cool...I am in therapy and am on the road to recovery.
|
|
After my brief time as a criminal psychopath, America plunged into a war
|
|
with Japan. Okay it was only a trade war but still a war. I immediately
|
|
began building a bunker and stocking it with all sorts of consumer
|
|
electronics and car parts. So now from the solitude of my consumer
|
|
electronic bunker, I am proud to present ......SLAP #2. I was thankful
|
|
for all the mail (4 pieces) about SLAP #1. I thought maybe nobody would
|
|
read it. SLAP #3 should be more exciting than ever. Look for it or mail
|
|
me for a subscription. As always, I gladly accept any kind of submissions.
|
|
|
|
Derek
|
|
|
|
-----------------------
|
|
|
|
Dear Saiko,
|
|
|
|
|
|
I need your advice. I am currently looking for a job and have had problems
|
|
lately with my interviewing techniques. I was wondering if you could
|
|
steer me in the right direction in terms of what to say and what not to
|
|
say. Thanks and I love SLAP.
|
|
|
|
Sincerely,
|
|
A. Fictitious Character
|
|
|
|
Dear Mr. Character:
|
|
|
|
This is a problem many people have including myself. I am no expert on the
|
|
subject but I would like to share some of my own experiences with you. As
|
|
many of my followers might already know I have been without employment for
|
|
sometime and I have a substantial amount of experience with job
|
|
interviews. Since you are obviously getting interviews, I will not go
|
|
into resume writing and networking. I have compiled a list of the most
|
|
common interview questions asked of me and my response. The response I have
|
|
given could be taken as an example of things to stay away from because I
|
|
am still currently without employment.
|
|
|
|
Q1. Sex: Male or Female
|
|
|
|
A1.Whatever you would like me to be. I am open to anything as long as there
|
|
is a good insurance plan that pays for that kind of thing.
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS: I think in this case I was too accommodating. You should be
|
|
flexible but firm especially when it comes to your own gender.
|
|
|
|
Q2. Why do you want this position?
|
|
|
|
A1. Because the job of Pope is taken and Burger King isn't hiring right
|
|
now.
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS: I avoided the question. Unless this is for a
|
|
job in politics where you are showing your skill in avoiding the question,
|
|
I recommend you try and answer the question truthfully.
|
|
|
|
Q3. Where would you like to be in 5 years?
|
|
|
|
A3. With your wife....attending your funeral.
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS: None but I know it doesn't work for some reason.
|
|
|
|
Q4. Do you have any handicap that would make this job difficult?
|
|
|
|
A4. Not really, I have occasional bladder control problem but I usually wear
|
|
Depends.
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS: Some insecure people might feel uncomfortable talking about
|
|
bladder control problems but it is not a reason to disqualify you ...
|
|
unless you are applying for a lifeguard position.
|
|
|
|
Q5: [Although illegal
|
|
some places ask] How old are you?
|
|
|
|
A5. 140 ......... in dog years.
|
|
ANALYSIS: Interviewer was unfamiliar with the concept of dog years.
|
|
|
|
Q6.Tell me about your last position.
|
|
|
|
A6. Missionarie.
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS: Mistakenly, I
|
|
thought he was referring to sex while he was really talking about my past
|
|
employment.
|
|
|
|
Q7. Tell me about your last job.
|
|
|
|
A7. I worked with the
|
|
Jehovah witnesses but I was fired because they thought I was too
|
|
annoying.
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS: Stay away from discussing religion.
|
|
|
|
Q8. I see you have done technical writing in the past. Have you ever tried
|
|
writing any fiction?
|
|
|
|
A8. Why yes, my resume for example.
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS: None
|
|
|
|
Q9. Would you mind taking a drug test?
|
|
|
|
A9. No, not at all, which ones would you like me to try?
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS: Answering a question with a question is not a good idea.
|
|
|
|
Q10. Why should I hire you?
|
|
|
|
A10. Cause you're my dad.
|
|
|
|
ANALYSIS:None
|
|
|
|
Well that is just a few helpful little hints I came up with. Sorry I was
|
|
unable to explain the reason some of those answers failed but trust me.
|
|
Good luck to everyone with their job search. Do not despair. Keep the
|
|
American Dream alive .... play Lotto.
|
|
|
|
--Saiko
|
|
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Michael Jackson Exposed
|
|
|
|
With his popularity in decline and numerous questions surrounding the nature
|
|
of his relations with young boys, Michael Jackson has found a new way to
|
|
satisfy his appetite for little boys. SLAP has learned that MJ has been
|
|
cruising the streets of LA disguised as the lovable children's TV
|
|
character Barney. Michael and his entourage have been showing up at
|
|
schools throughout the area pretending to be Barney. An unconfirmed report
|
|
also alleges that Elizabeth Taylor has accompanied Michael on several of
|
|
these excursions dressed as Ms. Piggy. On these outings Michael usually
|
|
picks out one boy in particular and invites the youngster to come and see
|
|
a taping of the Barney & Friends Show. On a mock studio set
|
|
Barney/Michael then plays a special set of games with the boy like "Find
|
|
Barney's Fossil" "Let's all be Purple" and from the popular movie "Jour Ass
|
|
is my Park." All of this information was given to SLAP by Michael's
|
|
sister LaToya through a psychic connection.
|
|
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------
|
|
The Politics of Retribution
|
|
|
|
Long after President Clinton has faded into memory and the last Kennedy has
|
|
finally died off, the Pepsi generation will take over the controls of the
|
|
United States. Living up to a long list of TV commercial philosophies,
|
|
this generation will be young, have fun, and drink Pepsi. They will just
|
|
Do It. Douglas Coupland will lay aside his literary career to lead this
|
|
nation. Mr. Coupland is a Canadian but by that time America will have made
|
|
Canada another state due to that fact that the US can win more Olympic
|
|
medals and white people will be in short supply. With Mr. Coupland at the
|
|
helm and all the original members of Nirvana serving as Supreme Court
|
|
Justices, the United Sates will embark on a journey into untested waters.
|
|
An entire generation will be persecuted for crimes against another
|
|
generation.
|
|
|
|
Let us look at the crimes of those who came of age in the 60's. These
|
|
crimes are not only limited to the 60's but the 60's merely lay the ground
|
|
work for the future crimes they would commit. The 60's generation were
|
|
the most hedonistic and self-consumed of any in the history of America. A
|
|
quick review of things then vs. now.
|
|
|
|
|
|
THEN NOW
|
|
Sex AIDS
|
|
Drugs Just Say No
|
|
Rock -n-Roll Bad Classic Rock Station everywhere and
|
|
stupid reunion tours
|
|
Marriage prevalent No faith in marriage
|
|
Two parent families One parent family
|
|
Birth Control Pills All types of strange ways to procreate
|
|
Quality Education 2-hour training video for McDonald's employee
|
|
Civil Rights Movement LA Riots
|
|
Watergate Iran-Contra // Savings and Loan
|
|
Vietnam Gulf -War
|
|
(the Pepsi Generation knows how to kick ass)
|
|
|
|
|
|
That was a quick review of the 60's generation but they continued their
|
|
hedonistic behavior right on up to the present. The seventies saw the
|
|
Sexual Revolution and in the Eighties they finally figured out money and
|
|
became obsessed. They sold a generation into poverty with the help of
|
|
President Gipper. The case can be well made that this generation has
|
|
little redeeming value.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Somewhere either in History class or Jeopardy they told us that those that
|
|
did not learn history were doomed to repeat it. The Pepsi Generation will
|
|
not stand for any kind of repetition and therefore have decided to make an
|
|
example of the 60's generation. Mr. Coupland with the help of some sick
|
|
minded individual will institute a policy of total oppression. On this
|
|
issue Mr. Coupland makes Hitler look like Barney. There will be a
|
|
rounding up of all AARP members and confiscation of property. They will be
|
|
loaded up and moved out of their retirement communities and relocated to
|
|
converted suburban malls across the country to serve out there life
|
|
sentences. The most popular TV shows will be game shows in which
|
|
contestants get to torture the criminals in a variety of amusing ways.
|
|
All production of bladder control diapers will be ceased. All their
|
|
expensive cars will be reassigned to more youthful citizens who have
|
|
suffered. Any older person indulging themselves with a Mazda Miata will
|
|
be excited immediately. No elderly people may possess any type of sport
|
|
vehicle. Social Security will be disbanded. There will be no senior
|
|
citizen discounts on anything. Politicians will not cater to the interest
|
|
of the elderly because they will no longer have the right to vote. All
|
|
those people who said they didn't care about debt and that it would be
|
|
someone else's problems will be sold into slavery to the Japanese in an
|
|
attempt to repay the national debt. These are the policies of the new
|
|
generation. The Pepsi Generation will institute retribution. It is
|
|
inevitable when the 60's generation get old, the Pepsi Generation will
|
|
come in and kick their ass!
|
|
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------
|
|
IN THE INTEREST OF DECENCY:
|
|
|
|
Please, Help SLAP raise enough money to counter offer Playboy's offer to
|
|
Tonya Harding for a series of nude photos. Our goal is to secure enough
|
|
funds to outbid Playboy's offer of $250,000 and sign Tonya to a lifetime
|
|
contract that forbids her from ever disrobing for any publication. I hope
|
|
you will support our efforts.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------------------------------
|
|
VanRant's
|
|
|
|
You know, I'm encouraged by the fact that Hillary and Chelsea got to go to
|
|
the Olympics, see the opening ceremonies, enjoy some hockey, and meet some
|
|
nice athletes all on my fucking dime, while I sat my fat ass on the couch
|
|
eating Burger King. I'd like to go to the Olympics, but I can't afford to.
|
|
Takes too much time and too much money. Apparently when someone else is
|
|
paying (read as you and me, suckers) it's pretty easy to go. And all this
|
|
for a little PR and Hillary gets interviewed by David fucking Letterman's
|
|
mother. Invites her to the White House and her son too(Guess who's
|
|
paying?). We all know what policy gurus the mother and son Letterman team
|
|
are. Maybe they'll help with the health care thing and have some advice on
|
|
the Bosnia situation. Hillary in Norway advancing the agenda of this great
|
|
nation. Great. Hope y'all had a good time. I'm sure Chelsea did a lot
|
|
for the United States there in Norway. What about Socks?
|
|
|
|
How about taking me along next time, you know, the guy that's paying for it?
|
|
At the same time Bill is taking a little time off in his home state offering
|
|
to give supporters, especially the female ones, a ride on Air Force "6", if
|
|
you know what I mean. What the hell is wrong with this country?
|
|
|
|
-HL
|
|
|
|
|