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/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
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--------------------------------------------------
The Electronic Humor Magazine
--------------------------------------------------
Version 1 Release 7 October 1994
Editor: Dave Bealer
Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
Printed on 100% recycled electrons
Filmed before a virtual studio audience
Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX4
USA, Earth, Sol System, Snickers
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - A Long Way From The Model T............................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................03
GUI Health Care - The Real Deal....................................04
The Tech Support Line..............................................06
Searching For Three Cherry Colas...................................10
People In The News.................................................11
Childhood Misconceptions...........................................12
RAH Humor Review: The Liar.........................................13
Announcements......................................................14
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............14
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3
Random Access Humor Page 1 October 1994
About Vaporware Communications
VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:
Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTICE to sysops in Oklahoma and similar bastions of progressive
thinking: This issue of RAH mentions body parts (such as hands and
feet) that may stir the prurient interests of the Thought Police in
your area (or any other area that can reach your area by telephone).
You bear full responsibility for any reaction the presence of this
material on your system may evoke from the Forces Of Goodness And
Right (Reformed). Have a nice day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Mental Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 issue Servings Per Container 1
=====================================================================
Amount per serving
Ideas: 23 Ideas from fatheads: 5
=====================================================================
% daily value
Total fatheads: 2 15
Saturated fatheads: 1 24
Castor Oil: 0 0
Silliness: 11 110
Total Comic content: 51
Actual jokes: 37 73
Puns: 14 1145
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - A Long Way From The Model T
by Dave Bealer
My 1989 Ford Probe GT is a far cry from the Model T that put Henry on
the map so long ago. The Probe's top speed of 135 miles per hour
(which envelope I have never pushed the outside of) is four to five
times faster than the original Model T's top end. Of course little
has actually changed in the past 25 years. The 1960s produced cars
capable of blowing the doors off my Probe, although the Probe sports
better safety equipment and fuel economy than the original "pony
cars."
Random Access Humor Page 2 October 1994
The computer industry of the past quarter century has made a few more
quantum leaps forward. A popular "what if" game involves what cars
would look and perform like if the auto industry had made the same
strides. It usually goes something like: "If cars had experienced
the same price/performance improvements as computers in the past 25
years, a 1969 Ford Mustang (my first car, purchased second-hand in
1975) that cost $2000 new and could go 120 MPH would have improved to
the point where a 1994 Ford Mustang would cost $4.50 new and go 3500
MPH."
If I can't have that mythical Mustang that could zoom from New York
to Los Angeles in an hour, at least I can have a Pentium. As
mentioned in the first article specifically written for RAH ("The
Model T Of Personal Computing" - RAH 09/92), my first PC was a XT
that was hopelessly out of date when I assembled it in 1986. On
09/21/94 I received my new Gateway 2000 P5-90XL machine, which sports
a 90 MHz Pentium CPU. This new machine is so fast it finishes
executing commands *before* I press the <enter> key.
There are drawbacks, of course. The 17 inch Crystalscan monitor will
probably burn out my remaining eyesight a few years quicker than the
old 14 inch SVGA monitor. My pocketbook is already groaning from my
efforts to fill that new gigabyte hard disk with software, none of it
on sale. And my office is even more of a rat's maze of wires that
would give a county fire inspector a heart attack.
So if this issue of RAH seems a little harder to read than previous
issues, it may have something to do with it being composed and
assembled on a 90MHz Pentium. Dr. Hoo and the rest of the Vaporware
Labs crew are working on a utility to slow down the pixels in future
issues for readers who don't themselves have a Pentium. Stay tuned
for details.
- - - -
So the baseball strike spiked the World Series this year. A squabble
between a few hundred millionaires and a couple dozen billionaires
ruined America's "national pastime." The real tragedy of all this is
that millions of American men will have one less excuse to avoid
going outside and raking the leaves. Things could get worse if Mom
and Apple Pie go out on a sympathy strike.
- - - -
It has come to my attention that there exists in the United States a
group called Defenders of Defenders of Life. The members of this
group raise money for the legal defense of people who have murdered
physicians who perform abortions. Like most Americans I have a very
definite opinion about the abortion issue (which is not germane to
this discussion). But no matter which side of that particular fence
you're on, the idea of killing your fellow human beings to prove your
dedication to the sanctity of human life is utterly ridiculous.
Anyone whose mind can leap to such a "logical" conclusion desperately
needs a long vacation in a rubber room.
- - - -
Random Access Humor Page 3 October 1994
FLASH: Last minute bad news from the hardware installation front. My
loft office became a living "hardware hell" the last ten days of
September. During an attempt to install an EISA Ethernet card in my
old Gateway 486DX/33E the EISA configuration was somehow destroyed,
which rendered the EISA SCSI controller inoperable. Since all the
RAH material for the issue under development was on the 340MB SCSI
drive attached to this controller, my priorities suddenly changed.
It took most of the final weekend in September to get things restored
to something approaching normal. The worst part was finding the
original Gateway EISA Utility diskette that accompanied the machine
when it was delivered in January 1992. As usual, I had not made a
backup copy of the thing. The old Gateway, she ain't what she used
to be.
Alright, I apologize. Anyway, the old machine is still not
completely stable, and all this fuss prevented me from completing
the Star Trek TNG parody I had planned for this month. (Hey, it
sounds better than "the dog ate my homework.") Look for it next
month, along with Muffy Mandel's long-awaited biography of Vinnie
"The Knife" Calamari. Muffy is running the piece past the Vaporware
legal department in an attempt to determine how many of Vinnie's
friends and associates will be arrested and/or murdered if it is
published. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lettuce to the Editor
Area Rahuser, Msg#39, Sep-04-94 06:13PM
From: Dave Bealer
To: Kelly Price
Subject: Happy Birthday!
On 09/01/94 Kelly Price wrote:
KP> Happy Second Birthday, Random Access Humor!
Thank you.
KP> May your zine cover the globe and beyond.
I think it already does, thanks to satellite transmission. <g>
KP> May your lifespan be infinite.
Well, I'm working on this. Dieting can be such a pain, though.
KP> May your humor be fresh indefinitely.
I keep it in Ziplok (tm) bags, so that should be no problem.
KP> May your readers get a coconut cream pie with whipped
KP> cream thrown at their face.
You're really trying to make friends, aren't you?
Random Access Humor Page 4 October 1994
KP> May your competition be parboiled over a fire made
KP> with copies of "Hard Drive" and the Energizer Bunny
KP> Screen Saver.
I'm sure they will be...just as soon as there are competitors.
Seriously, if anyone has seen a magazine that could be
considered competition for RAH, I'd really like to see a copy.
//Dave\\
- - - - - - - - - - - -
We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful
answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to:
Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net
FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions)
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
---------------------------------------------------------------------
GUI Health Care - The Real Deal
by Greg Borek
Mr. Miller? Mr. Miller, can you hear me?
Oh, my head. Wh...Where am I?
You're in the hospital, Mr. Miller.
The hospital? What happened? Ow... What happened to my head? My
wife didn't hit me with that frying pan again, did she?
No, Mr. Miller, but try not to move. You have sustained some rather
intense internal injuries. The pain will be a little severe for a
while, but your condition will soon improve. What can you remember?
Well, everything is a little fuzzy. I seem to remember sitting at my
computer at home. I was playing a game of Wolfenstein I think. No,
wait, I was finishing my bowling program.
Bowling program?
Yes, doctor, I was writing a program to keep track of my bowling
league.
Are you a programmer then?
No, I own a feed and grain business. Nothing much, but it pays the
bills. I dabble a little in programming on my old 286. I couldn't
find a program that did just what I wanted. Bowling league
statistics are nothing to be trifled with, you know. There is some
quite complex mathematics involved.
Random Access Humor Page 5 October 1994
Go on. This is most interesting. Give me as many details as you
can, but please, take it easy; you've suffered quite a severe trauma.
I'll try, Doctor. Yes, my head seems to be clearing a bit. I was
working in Turbo Pascal version 3.3. That's right; I remember now.
I was putting the final touches on the program when I decided to
check to see whether I should release the program as shareware. It's
all coming back to me now. I was looking at a PC Magazine when it
struck me: the program was just so,...so inadequate. Sure, it
worked. It worked fine, no bugs, just what I needed, but it wasn't,
you know, Windows. I needed to put it into some GUI. Drop menus.
Mouse support. And Wizards, had to have those hypertext help
screens. Ow....
Calm down, Mr. Miller, don't yourself get so excited.
It's just,...there was just so much to learn! I felt so...so
inadequate. I realized I needed to get the program out on CD-ROM or
it would never sell. Installation routines. Where to start? Ow...
Mr. Miller, try to relax. You have already pulled one muscle in
your brain already. (Nurse, get a sedative).
I mean, I wrote a valid program. It did what I wanted. Without
bugs. And now it's not good enough. I, ow,... I thought DOS was a
good thing. I thought having just anybody, even someone like me who
isn't a professional programmer, able to write programs in their
garage was a benefit. I mean, even I might come up with a real
innovation! Ow..., ugh. (Clunk).
Doctor, he's gone. We lost him.
No, nurse, we lost him a while ago. And good riddance.
What? Doctor Gates, you can't be serious?
Of course I am, nurse. I've had it up to here with these make-
believe techo-weenies thinking they are real programmers.
Programming used to be, well, exalted. It used to be done by clever
men in long white coats in large, refrigerated rooms. They were
highly paid and highly respected. Shareware? Bah! Don't you
understand? We have to make all PC software in Windows using
programming languages that take months for the average schmoe to
climb the precipitous learning curve. This man was clearly a danger
to the mystery and power of programming. Don't you see? We have to
make programming more difficult!
Doctor, if everything is written for Windows, doesn't that also put
billions of more dollars in you pocket?
Yes, but I'm not doing this for the money. It's...it's just the
principle of the thing. Besides, this way I have even more control
of the lemmings out there. The sheep will follow me anywhere, won't
they? Ha, ha, ha! (Diabolical laughter).
Random Access Humor Page 6 October 1994
[Microsoft has made between $100 and $250 million in the time it took
you to read this, based on how fast you read - ed.] {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Tech Support Line
by Ray Koziel
I just don't get it Fred! We just bought this multimedia system
and the sound system doesn't seem to be working! Are you sure we
tried EVERYTHING in the manual?
I tell you George, I've looked over every page in this book and have
found all I can. Why don't we try calling the technical support
people?
Are you kiddin'?! Every time I call one of those things I get
frustrated beyond belief! They are not as friendly as they want you
to believe!
Well, it's worth a shot. Dial 'em up on the speaker phone and we
can both take 'em on.
Alright Fred...but I have a bad feeling about this. Look! It's not
even an 800 number! How cheap can you get!
<BOOP-BEEP-BIP-BOOP-BOOP-BIP-BEEP-BEEP-BOOP-BOOP-BIP>
Hello and thank you for calling Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Enterprise's
Customer Service Line! Here at Dewey, Cheetum and Howe we believe a
happy customer is a buying customer, so we have arranged the
following services to assist you. Please choose from the following
menu. For product information, dial 1. To check on an order, dial
2. For technical support, dial 3. To...
<BIP>
You are now connected to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Technical
Support Line, where we have quality, courteous technicians waiting
to answer any questions about problems you may have with our
products. To better serve you, please choose one of the following.
For hardware support, dial 1...
Woah! Wait a minute George! I've learned never to dial the first
option. Just wait...
...oftware support, dial 2. For multimedia support, dial 3...
See, told you George!
Random Access Humor Page 7 October 1994
But what's the difference? Isn't speakers hardware?
Yeah, but there's software operating those speakers too.
... input has been received. Please enter an option within the next
minute or you will be taken back to the main menu.
Quick! Do something!!
What? Which one?
I dunno...there!
<BOOP>
Hello, you are connected to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Software
Support Line...
Software Support! You chose Software Support!!
Well George, you rushed me to make a decision there. I just picked
one at random.
...where current wait time is ten minutes for this queue. Please
wait for the next available technician.
[Garth Brooks singing "Achy-Breaky Heart" can be heard thru the
speaker]
Perfect! Not only do we have to wait ten minutes, but we're waiting
for something that is going to be of no help to us whatsoever!
Now wait a minute George, you yourself said that software is a part
of this as much as hardware, maybe this will work out ok.
You better hope so...wait a minute...shhhh!
A technician is now available to assist you. To help the technician
assist your call, please answer the following questions:...
What?!
I said, please answer the following questions. No wonder you need
help. If you have a CompuFritz 486 DX2, press 1...
<BEEP>
Please enter the 10 digit code number found on the underside of the
hardrive...
What?! Quick! Pop the computer open and get the number!
Still waiting for input. If no input is received in one minute, you
will be placed back on the service queue...
Random Access Humor Page 8 October 1994
Quick, Fred! Quick!! What's the flamin' number?!
<BIP BIP BEEP BOOP BIP BOOP BEEP BEEP BIP BOOP>
It's about time, slow poke. Now enter the number found in the third
line of page 246, divided by 4 and taken to the 13th power.
You gotta be kiddin'!
No I'm not.
Alright, alright! Here...
<BIP BEEP BOOP BEEP BIP BIP BOOP BEEP>
Thank you, you will now be transferred to a technician.
Hello, thank you for calling Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Software
Support. My name is Dirk, how may I help ya?
Yes, hello, my name is Fred and I'm setting up a computer that I just
received and I can't seem to get the sound system to work.
What kinda computer ya got?
I already entered that into the system.
Oh I never read that stuff...just a big pain in the butt.
Hmmmmmm...I see. I have a CompuFritz 486 DX2 multimedia system.
Didja read the operator's manual?
Yes.
Didja look over the troubleshooting guide?
Yes! I wouldn't be calling if I didn't!
Fred, calm down...
Welp, sorry. Cain't help ya. Sounds like multimedia ta me. Lemme
transfer ya over dere...
Wait! You can't just...
Welcome to the Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Multimedia Support Line.
Here you will receive answers to any questions you may have regarding
your multimedia system. Current waiting time in this queue is 45
minutes.
Forty-five minutes?! You gotta be crazy!
Fred, just calm down.
Random Access Humor Page 9 October 1994
Oh bite me, George!
[Forty-five minutes pass, listening to such classic artists as
Menudo, Boy George, and Weird Al Yankovic]
Ok, it's been about forty-five minutes. They should be putting us
through anytime now. And this time we're ready for them. Still got
those numbers George?"
Yep, right here...oh! Here we go!
A technician is now available to assist you. To allow the technician
to better assist you, please answer the following questions:...
Lay 'em on me!
If you have a CompuFritz DX2, press 1...
<BEEP>
Please enter the 16 digit code number found on the inside of the back
panel of the monitor...
What?! You asked for the code number underneath the hard drive
before! You can't do that!
Oh yes we can...enter the code.
Argghhh!
George...here's the number, calm down.
Shuddupya@$&*!
<BEEP BEEP BOOP BIP BOOP BIP BEEP BOOP BOOP BIP BEEP BIP BIP BOOP BIP
BIP>
Please enter the number of cups in a quart multiplied by the number
of bushels in a peck plus the number of square feet in an acre.
This is unbelievable!
Just do it George, we're almost there.
<BOOP BOOP BIP BEEP>
Thank you, you will now transferred to a technician.
Sorry the offices of Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe Enterprises are now
closed for the evening. Please call back during our regular
business hours, Monday through Friday from 9:00 AM to 5:00PM EST.
Thank you for calling.
Random Access Humor Page 10 October 1994
Tough break man, it is 5:01 though. But guess what! While we were
waiting on the line I discovered that the power switch on the
speakers was installed backwards. So this whole time we thought they
were on, they were actually off. Pretty fun huh?
Erck gook blick ack pht gark...
George? What's with you? You're looking and sounding like one of
the Brothers Grunt.
Ooog blorg blif grack yarg...
George!? Hey, what are ya gonna do with that monitor man? Don't
drop in man...or you'll have to call technical support to get it
fixed. Ha ha...he he..he...George? No! Wait! I was only joking
George! George! Geeoooorrrgggggeeee.....!! {RAH}
--------------
Ray Koziel lives in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and one and a half
children. When asked about his thoughts on the information super-
highway, Ray replied that it was a "pretty nifty idea" but wondered
"how we could drive a car small enough to fit through a telephone
line." Ray can be reached via Compu$erve at 73753,3044 or via the
Internet at 73753.3044@compuserve.com, which is most convenient.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
{The following article is a rewrite of an article called "A Vending
of Spleens" that appeared in _Rune's Rag_ early in 1993.}
Searching For Three Cherry Colas
by Dave Bealer
The spread of legalized, state-sponsored gambling in the U.S. has
been causing an uproar for many years. Maryland's recent addition
of Keno to the state's arsenal of tools for separating citizens from
their money has caused tremendous friction within the State
Legislature as well as the general public. The cries of "What's
next?" can be heard from those who tirelessly work to protect the
well being of others (including others who do not want their well
being protected).
Opponents of gambling insist that each new form of gaming that is
legalized brings us closer to having slot machines in every deli
and convenience store. Of course America already harbors tens of
thousands of gambling devices, all of them completely legal. They're
called vending machines.
Yes, vending machines. Those seemingly innocuous no-armed bandits
that eat the coins of rich and poor alike. Occasionally, one will
even "pay off," giving the player that desperately desired soda or
candy bar. This doesn't happen too often...just enough to keep the
suckers, er, players coming back for more.
Random Access Humor Page 11 October 1994
Even more pernicious are those glass front vending machines that
tease the player by almost dropping the coveted goody into the chute,
but not quite. Even though the hoped for item seems to be just
hanging there, ready to fall, no amount of pounding on the glass or
shaking the machine will set it free. The player therefore has to
spend again, hoping to get two payoffs, or AT LEAST that tantalizing
prize left hanging just out of reach.
Why is you never hear about legal action being taken to regulate the
vending machine industry? At least states could set some minimum
payoff requirements like most states with legal casinos did.
One potential, and frightening, application of artificial
intelligence is in vending machines that will decide what you want
and dispense it to you, after taking the money out of your pocket.
This technology is obviously modelled after liberal Democrats in
government. {RAH}
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
---------------------------------------------------------------------
People In The News
by Robert Hankins
Alice Cooper has a new release out: "Flush My Career". We used to
think that Alice Cooper was the embodiment of, and spokesman for,
America's angst-ridden youth. Then again, we used to think that
Supertramp was cool. But let's take a closer look at Alice Cooper,
shall we? Take away the make-up and the shock theatrics and what
have you got? A fifty year old man running around on stage with a
snake. The new compact disk has very little to offer musically. The
snake isn't even on it, even though he appears on the cover(with
Alice, natch). The CD fails mostly because of Cooper's reluctance to
actually sing any of the songs. Instead he recites his big hits such
as "Eighteen" in a Richard III type of voice. Ever notice how stupid
a song sounds when you recite the lyrics? Try this test. Put on
your most dramatic voice, hold a skull in one hand and do the chorus
of the Beatles' "Drive My Car". It doesn't count unless you do the
the "beep beep, yeah!" part. So to Alice's alleged "comeback", we
say, "go away." But apparently he won't. Cooper's manager sent us a
pre-release of Alice's new cookbook for bachelors and other single
people in general. Entitled "Alice's Cafeteria", it features such
recipes as "Fettucini Carbonara"(bacon with Kraft macaroni and
cheese), "Alice's New York Open-Faced Turkey Sandwich"(Louis Rich
turkey cuts on toast), and "Veal Cutlets"(veal cutlets ---- "don't
grill 'em or they'll burn!" warns a concerned Alice). The book
boasts many photos of Alice and the snake dressed in chef's outfits
and threatening each other with spatulas. Of course, for the three
dollars they would normally spend on the book, patrons could purchase
a double quarter pounder with cheese.
Random Access Humor Page 12 October 1994
>> Deaths/Obituaries <<
RAH takes at least some regret in announcing the death of David
Steinberg's career. The career took its own life after the fifteen
zillionth consecutive joke about Moldavia, July 14th, on The Jay Leno
Show. Pallbearers included the careers of Dick Cavett, Mike Douglas,
and Bachman Turner Overdrive. Said Cavett: "We kept telling David to
change his schtick, but he wouldn't listen. He'd had a big head ever
since he directed an episode of 'The Mommies' and well, I guess he
thought he was immortal or something."
"The Arsenio Hall Show" ----- after five years Hall quit his show
rather than face cancellation by Paramount. A visibly shaken Harvey
Fierstein, habitual guest of the program, said, "What will I do now?
Letterman's booked until 1998. I love Conan O'Brien's hair but he's
just Too Harvard. And Regis and Kathy give me the snoozies. Ruff
Ruff! What about that nice Byron Allen, he's still on isn't he?"
"Star Trek: TNG" -------- Another Paramount show. For seven years
the cast complained that they were serious actors whose talents were
wasted on kiddie science fiction. So when producer Rick Berman
pulled the plug you'd think they'd be happy. Instead they all gave
tearful interviews saying, "I can't believe it's over; the show was
so popular!" Hey Riker, see you at the next convention when it comes
time to put a new foundation on your house. {RAH}
--------------
Robert Hankins lives in Lake Charles, LA. He doesn't like
technical humor, so he's blackmailing RAH's editor to publish
more of the other kinds, especially stuff written by Robert himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Childhood Misconceptions
by Dave Bealer
Young children don't see the world the same way as adults. Not only
do they see everything from a lower angle, but they have difficulty
seeing things as a whole, and concentrate only on parts of things -
usually the part they're looking at the moment. The fact that most
kids have the attention span of a gnat doesn't help matters.
Whatever the reason for it, children's fragmented understanding of
the world around them can lead to hilarious misconceptions. A few of
the ones I've experienced and/or heard of are presented here.
1) (from my own childhood) My father was an accomplished handyman
who could fix just about anything. This meant regular trips to
Sears to pick up new tools and equipment (Dad only used Craftsman
tools). One day, at a very young age, it occurred to me that no
matter how unusual (at least to me) a tool or part Dad was
looking for, Sears always had one. I asked him, "how did Sears
know you needed one of those?"
2) (from Greg Borek's childhood) Greg, not quite grasping the
concept of records and tapes (CDs had not been invented yet),
thought that music coming over the radio was being played live by
the bands at the radio studio.
Random Access Humor Page 13 October 1994
3) A friend's son had an appendectomy a few years ago. When in the
hospital recovering, the boy (then eight years old) was informed
by his mother that tests showed nothing had actually been wrong
with his appendix. The lad suddenly went pale and, on the verge
of crying, asked, "Are they going to put it back?"
4) (story related to me by someone) A boy was teasing his seven
year old brother with a child-proof bottle. He opened it, closed
it, then gave it to his brother to try. The younger boy turned
the top with no result, so the elder showed him again and gave it
back to him. After a while the seven year old stopped and said,
"One thing I don't understand - how does it know I'm a child?"
There you have it, four examples of childhood misconceptions. If you
have any good stories along these same lines, send them to RAH for
possible publication. E-mail them to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129
(FidoNet) or dave.bealer@rah.clark.net (Internet). {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
RAH Humor Review: The Liar
by Dave Bealer
Stephen Fry is best known as a comic actor. He appeared as Melchitt
in the various "Blackadder" series and is half of the popular English
comedy team of Fry and Laurie. As of 1991 Stephen Fry is also a
published novelist. _The Liar_ was a #1 bestseller in England, but
hasn't done as well in North America, which is a bit of a shame.
One of the reasons for the book's failure over here is it's fairly
bawdy nature. Even worse, most of the sex is homosexual in nature.
Much of England is still mired in the Victorian era as far as sex
is concerned. Of course that puts them light-years ahead of the
United States, which is still saddled with the Puritans.
_The Liar_ follows the public school (an English euphemism for their
most exclusive private schools) and college career of Adrian Healey,
an upper middle class English youth who happens to be a pathological
liar. Anyone who goes into this expecting a Jon Lovitz-like
treatment of the character type will be bitterly disappointed and
more than a little confused. This is a thoroughly English novel,
full of English idioms. Fry's use of language is reminiscent of
Oscar Wilde, and demonstrates yet again that a good English writer
will always sound "better," or at least more sophisticated, than a
writer of any other nationality who happens to be writing in English.
For those anglophiles who can handle it, this novel provides a biting
satirical look at several levels of English society as they existed
20 years ago. From the meat markets of Piccadilly to Lord's Cricket
Ground, Adrian Healey gets around...or at least he claims to.
_The Liar_ by Stephen Fry. ISBN: 0-939149-82-6
Published by Soho Press, 853 Broadway, New York, NY. 10003 {RAH}
Random Access Humor Page 14 October 1994
Announcements and Observations
The RAH HQ BBS (The Puffin's Nest) is now running a U.S. Robotics
V.Everything modem. Speeds available are 1200 bps - 28800 bps.
Major changes are in the works for this BBS. They have been delayed
by the problems sited in the editorial. Details will appear in this
space next month.
- - -
Book of the month: _Debt of Honor_ by Tom Clancy. The master of the
techno-thriller is at it again. Only Clancy could make a ten page
dissertation on the construction of automobile fuel tanks interest-
ing. This book features the return of Jack Ryan to government
service, this time as the President's National Security Advisor. The
theme is all out economic warfare and limited military action between
the United States and Japan. Ryan keeps moving up the chain of
command in these novels. Soon Ryan will be elected Pope and/or win
the WWF Heavyweight title.
- - -
CORRECTION
In a RAH Humor Review in last month's issue the CompuServe/Internet
address of Don LeClair of Toggle Booleans was incorrectly given. If
you wish to contact Don to order or get additional information about
Toggle Booleans and their products, his actual address is as follows:
Don LeClair, Toggle Booleans 71534,3255 (CompuServe)
71534.3255@compuserve.com (Internet)
We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.
- - -
The deadline for submissions for the November 1994 issue is 10/24/94.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
--- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway
Soul of Cassanova. Body of Elmer Fudd.
My train of thought derailed.
Nothing screws up a good story like an eyewitness.
Smokey the Borg: "Only you can be assimilated..."
Help, I've fallen and I can't...Hey, nice carpet!
Necrophilia means never having to say...well, anything.
"What were you in civilian life?" "Happy, sir!"
I'm not a photographer. I just wear all this to lose weight.
I'm going insane and I'm taking you with me.
Team effort: a lot of people doing what _I_ say!
And Adam asked, "What's a headache?"
7.2 on the sphincter scale.
Random Access Humor Page 15 October 1994
Dachshunds are really small crocodiles with fur.
Found God? If nobody claims Him in 30 days, he's yours!
Perform random acts of violence and senseless slaughter.
Okay, THAT'S IT! Arm the electric bagpipes.
I came to see you off, and you certainly are!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Clinical studies show there are no answers.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Vertebrates...unquestionably gave rise to chiropractors.
There is a fine line between creative genius and insanity.
God always has another custard pie up his sleeve.
The thing most generally raised on land is taxes.
If the world is my oyster, where is my oyster knife?
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
Seen on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Windows ice cream...Hoggin' DOS.
Isometric: sign in the window of a modern tailor.
Health is the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
I'm starting a war for peace!
A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far.
If it ain't broken, play with it until it is.
A squirrel is just a rat with good P.R.
Laddie, do ya think might like ta...rephrase that?
{correction from last month:
Difference between genius and stupidity: stupidity has no limits. }
Random Access Humor Page A-1 October 1994
Random Access Humor Masthead:
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
Associate Editor: Greg Borek
Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-28800/V.34)
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
greg.borek@rah.clark.net
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
>> Legal Junk <<
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by
their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does
not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
publisher.
This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with
the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the
publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher.
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. RAH may not be posted, in whole or in part, on public
conferences. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies
on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be
distributed in combination with any other publication or product.
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.
Random Access Humor Page A-2 October 1994
>> Where to Get RAH <<
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.
RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:
etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
(ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)
ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah
(ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
(ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
(READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)
>> Writing For RAH <<
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches)
may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
received.
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
copyright holder.
Random Access Humor Page A-3 October 1994
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.
RAH Distribution System:
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 28800 (V.Everything)
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
European Gateway:
Digital Frame Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
-= AUSTRALIA =-
Northern Territory
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis
-= BELGIUM =-
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis
-= CANADA =-
Alberta
The Darkland BBS Edmonton 1:342/808 (403) 486-5835 V.32bis
Ontario
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 531-0479 V.FC
The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/302 (416) 299-1164 Z19
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 V.32bis
Uncle Sphincter's Westover 1:221/279 (519) 624-0134 HST/Dual
-= FRANCE =-
The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis
Random Access Humor Page A-4 October 1994
-= GERMANY =-
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19
-= ICELAND =-
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis
-= ITALY =-
Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19
-= NETHERLANDS =-
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.32bis
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
Digital Frame Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
-= PORTUGAL =-
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890010 V.32bis
The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32
-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis
-= SLOVENIA =-
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-1599400 V.32bis
-= UNITED STATES =-
Alabama
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 HST/Dual
Arizona
Mission Control Flagstaff (NoFido) (602) 527-1854 V.FC
California
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
Connecticut
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis
Florida
Ruby's Joint Jacksonville 1:112/129 (904) 777-6799 V.FC
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
Georgia
D.W.'s Toolbox Jonesboro 1:133/1719 (404) 471-6636 V.32bis
Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
Idaho
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2682 V.32bis
Random Access Humor Page A-5 October 1994
Illinois
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
Indiana
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 474-2263 V.FC
Maryland
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:261/1134 (410) 744-1102 V.Every
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.FC
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.Every
Michigan
Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis
Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32bis
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis
New York
The Batcave Brooklyn 1:278/204 (718) 694-0433 HST/Dual
Oklahoma
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
Oregon
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
Pennsylvania
Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
Texas
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
Utah
Vital Signs West Jordan 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
Virginia
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual
Washington
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 326-1123 V.32bis
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
Random Access Humor Page A-6 October 1994
West Virginia
Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis
Wisconsin
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis
=====================================================================
Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)
Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)
EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)
SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193
Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137
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