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______ __ __ __ ______
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/ __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
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/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
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/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
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/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
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/_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|
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--------------------------------------------------
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The Electronic Humor Magazine
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--------------------------------------------------
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Version 1 Release 4 May 1994
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Editor: Dave Bealer
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Member of the Digital Publishing Association
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Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
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Printed on 100% recycled electrons
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Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
|
||
|
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VaporWare Communications
|
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32768 Infinite Loop
|
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Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
|
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USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
|
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|
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|
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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
|
||
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
|
||
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
|
||
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
|
||
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
|
||
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
|
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|
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|
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TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
|
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About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
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Editorial - Bleeding Butt Liberals.................................01
|
||
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
|
||
Stalking The Wild Lurker...........................................03
|
||
RAH News Magazine..................................................06
|
||
What's Going On?...................................................07
|
||
Logging Onto The National Information Superhighway: A Prediction...09
|
||
Twelve Steps To An Affordable Health Care System...................11
|
||
When the Gods Get Bored............................................14
|
||
The Unfinancial User...............................................15
|
||
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................19
|
||
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers..........................21
|
||
RAH Humor Review: Classic Comedy Recordings........................22
|
||
Announcements......................................................24
|
||
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............25
|
||
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
|
||
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3
|
||
|
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Random Access Humor Page 1 May 1994
|
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|
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About Vaporware Communications
|
||
|
||
VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
|
||
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
|
||
VaporWare Corporate Officers:
|
||
|
||
Luther Lecks
|
||
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
|
||
|
||
Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
|
||
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
|
||
|
||
Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
|
||
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
|
||
|
||
Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
|
||
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
|
||
V.P., Research & Development
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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Editorial - Bleeding Butt Liberals
|
||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
One of the strangest suggestions received from a RAH Reader Survey
|
||
respondent to date is that RAH is "too American." The respondent in
|
||
question, who lives in Europe (of all places!), suggests that RAH
|
||
become "more English." As an Anglophile I have no basic objection to
|
||
this provided I'm not required to eat English food.
|
||
|
||
One quaint Olde English custom that has received a lot of attention
|
||
lately is the caning of youthful offenders. Anyone who has lurked in
|
||
virtually any online conference or read any newspaper in the last few
|
||
weeks knows about Michael Fay, the owner of the most famous buttocks
|
||
in the world.
|
||
|
||
For those one or two RAH readers who were visiting relatives on Pluto
|
||
and haven't caught up on the news, Michael Fay is an 18 year old from
|
||
Dayton, Ohio. Fay was caught vandalizing cars (with spray paint)
|
||
while residing with his family in Singapore, a former British colony.
|
||
Singapore has some very strict laws on the books, including execution
|
||
for drug dealers. Singapore also canes young men for several types
|
||
of offense, including vandalism involving graffiti. Fay's sentence
|
||
of four months in jail and six strokes of the cane has raised a major
|
||
international furor, the likes of which are usually reserved for bus
|
||
or plane loads of innocent hostages grabbed by terrorists.
|
||
|
||
A lot of folks have been putting on a spectacular "ugly American"
|
||
display online. The most amazing display of stupidity has been from
|
||
those misguided Americans who believe that the U.S. Bill of Rights is
|
||
a kind of force field that follows them everywhere they go on the
|
||
planet. These yokels fail to recognize that there are actually other
|
||
sovereign countries on this planet, with their own laws and ways of
|
||
enforcing them. After a few weeks of this, I began to understand why
|
||
Europeans might object to anything that is "too American."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 2 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Another appalling matter is the way the liberal media in the U.S. has
|
||
handled (one could almost say, manufactured) this whole situation.
|
||
Baltimore's major daily newspaper is an incredibly liberal rag. They
|
||
took a survey of local citizens, then had to engage in lots of fancy
|
||
footwork when the survey didn't match their preconceptions. The
|
||
survey results where in the 80-90% range in favor of using corporal
|
||
punishment *in America* on young offenders like Fay. The liberal
|
||
"experts," whose opinions came last in the article, noted that these
|
||
results were just the public reaction to fear of crime in the
|
||
streets. How horrible, that Americans would react negatively to
|
||
rampant crime in the streets! What is wrong with us? Surely the
|
||
rights of gangs of young thugs are more important than our safety?
|
||
NOT!
|
||
- - -
|
||
Submissions to RAH are picking up, which is good. Among other
|
||
things, it means that I can be more selective about what I accept.
|
||
Recently I rejected a parody of Edgar Allen Poe's _A Tell Tale
|
||
Heart_. Perhaps I should point out that I'm not a Poe fan, so
|
||
parodies based on his work have a tougher time getting accepted.
|
||
|
||
Another thing that needs to be mentioned is that parody is very
|
||
difficult to do well. If you're going to do it, I recommend trying
|
||
free form parody, like my parody of ST:DS9 in the November 1993
|
||
issue. Just playing with characters and general situations makes it
|
||
much easier. Trying to parody a work, line by line, is really tough.
|
||
I've only tried it a couple of times, with mixed results. Some of
|
||
you are no doubt better writers than I am, so don't be afraid to try
|
||
anything if you really want to. Just be aware of the difficulties
|
||
involved with parody. {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Lettuce to the Editor
|
||
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Area: Fidonet Matr
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||
Date: 04-04-94 19:27 (Private)
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||
From: Bob Dunlap (1:226/600.3)
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||
To: Lettuce (1:261/1129)
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||
Subject: network mci
|
||
|
||
Hey, what's up with those "Network MCI" commercials? Are they part
|
||
MCI's attempt to take over the world?
|
||
|
||
Or are you guys at VaporWare really behind all of it? You can tell
|
||
us.... :)
|
||
|
||
bob
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- - - - - - - -
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||
Bob,
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||
MCI is too late. Microsoft, AT&T, and Apple got together in a garage
|
||
in Klamath Falls, Oregon last Wednesday and conquered the world.
|
||
After they divided the spoils, Microsoft ended up with everything
|
||
North of San Francisco, AT&T had everything South of San Diego, and
|
||
those shrewd negotiators from Apple ended up with Toledo. Luther
|
||
Lecks, who kindly provided the forms and the refreshments for the
|
||
negotiations, somehow ended up with the rest of the United States,
|
||
Europe, Asia, and Africa. The RAH staff didn't even get a raise.
|
||
Dave
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||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 3 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Area: Internet Mail
|
||
Msg: #437
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||
Date: 04-07-94 00:04 (Private)
|
||
From: 73422.312@COMPUSERVE.COM
|
||
To: LETTUCE
|
||
Subject: HUH?
|
||
|
||
Dave,
|
||
In my hunger for the latest issue of RAH, instead of waiting for my
|
||
local BBS to post it, I thought, what the hell - call the Puffy Nest
|
||
and get it my self. *WRONG* After several calls (probably around
|
||
eight bucks in long distance charges) I flat out gave up. Tried
|
||
several protocols - nothing happened. System locked up on me and
|
||
forced a hang up to get me out of it. Live and learn, only I didn't
|
||
learn anything. Any ideas about why I couldn't d/l the file???
|
||
jim.maher@toltbbs.com
|
||
- - - - - - - -
|
||
Jim,
|
||
I'm not sure what to tell you. There have been no problems reported
|
||
by any TPN users lately, and I haven't personally seen anything
|
||
weird. Perhaps if you could give me more details (or at least spell
|
||
the name of the BBS correctly). Another thing, it is better to
|
||
address BBS tech support questions to Dave Bealer, rather than to
|
||
Lettuce. I may not get around to reading Lettuce messages until days
|
||
or weeks later, when the next issue of RAH is being assembled. Sorry
|
||
for any inconvenience.
|
||
Dave
|
||
- - - - - - - - - - - -
|
||
We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful
|
||
answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to:
|
||
Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net
|
||
FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129
|
||
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
|
||
reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
|
||
mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions)
|
||
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
|
||
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Stalking The Wild Lurker
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||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Public message conferences are home to many species of creature. A
|
||
few of these species have been studied in previous RAH issues as part
|
||
of the continuing feature, The Twit Filter. Not all inhabitants of
|
||
the online world are twits, even though the message traffic in a
|
||
particular conference on a particular day might indicate otherwise.
|
||
|
||
The simple truth is that twits are people who actually post messages
|
||
in conferences, and people who post messages make up a small minority
|
||
of the online world (at least if any of the USENET newsgroup reader-
|
||
ship stats are to be taken seriously). This not to say that everyone
|
||
who posts is a twit, because they aren't. Nor is this an indication
|
||
that none of the people who never post, commonly called lurkers, are
|
||
twits. It's just that we are spared from reading the twitticisms of
|
||
those twits who choose not to post.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 4 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Lurkers are a very mysterious phenomenon in the online world, since
|
||
they are essentially invisible. Only users who post messages can be
|
||
seen, and then only during the time they continue posting. In this
|
||
manner each conference can be seen as a large theater or auditorium
|
||
where only the stage is lighted. Only people who are on the stage
|
||
(posting messages) can be seen, both by each other and the audience
|
||
of lurkers.
|
||
|
||
The lurkers are safely hidden in their darkened seats, at least until
|
||
such time as a lurker chooses to ascend to the stage by posting a
|
||
public message. The lurkers in the audience may hold conversations
|
||
with each other, via private e-mail, regarding the activities on the
|
||
stage or virtually any topic they choose. These private e-mail
|
||
conversations do not have any substantive effect on the dialogue
|
||
(read: argument) taking place on the stage, since only the direct
|
||
participants in the private exchange will even be aware of it.
|
||
|
||
The only two sure things about lurkers are that they exist, and that
|
||
they don't remain lurkers forever. Lurkers either get tired of a
|
||
given conference (or the online experience in general) and quit, or
|
||
they are moved to post a message. There are several reasons for
|
||
first messages posted by lurkers, the most common ones being:
|
||
|
||
- The lurker has information (or an idea) pertinent to one of the
|
||
threads currently taking place in the conference. Although this
|
||
is probably the best reason for someone to "disengage lurking
|
||
device," it is, regrettably, not the most common reason.
|
||
|
||
- A statement made in the conference challenges some sacred cow of
|
||
the lurker in question. The lurker feels the need to repudiate
|
||
the foul person who has sullied the lurker's beliefs.
|
||
Predictably, this is one of the most common reasons why people
|
||
"de-lurk."
|
||
|
||
- The lurker has a question that needs an immediate answer, usually
|
||
for an important project (that was due two days ago) in a
|
||
required course. The question might, if the moon is in just the
|
||
right phase, have something vaguely to do with the topic of the
|
||
conference where the message was posted. The moon is almost
|
||
*never* in just the right phase.
|
||
|
||
Lurkers posting their first message should not be confused with those
|
||
who can't be bothered with lurking. These characters see an
|
||
interesting looking conference title and barge in, posting a demand
|
||
(usually in ALL CAPS) to be told "what goes on here?" Even better
|
||
are the ones who "know what the conference has to be about" from the
|
||
extensive research involved in reading the conference title, and
|
||
proceed to post messages on that basis. These folks are classic twit
|
||
filter bait.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 5 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Before anyone gets the wrong idea about lurkers I should mention that
|
||
lurking is often a *good thing*. Users new to the online experience,
|
||
or who are checking out a new conference, should lurk for a while
|
||
before posting. This directive is almost as important for your
|
||
online safety as that old saw, "look both ways before crossing the
|
||
street." Determining what conversations are going on and what the
|
||
rules and customs for the conference are would seem (using common
|
||
sense) to be a basic prerequisite to posting messages. It doesn't
|
||
always work that way. Still, breaking this directive should only be
|
||
attempted by those wearing flame retardant clothing.
|
||
|
||
Experienced users can be lurkers too. They may be too busy to pay
|
||
close attention to the messages and to write thoughtful replies, or
|
||
they may not be interested in any of the topics currently being
|
||
discussed. This is perfectly okay, not to mention preferable to
|
||
demanding loudly and petulantly why no threads of interest to the
|
||
lurker are being discussed. The sensible solution to this last
|
||
problem is to start a thread that is of interest.
|
||
|
||
This underlines the major difference between an online conference and
|
||
a real theater. Only one person can speak at a time in a real
|
||
theater, at least if the performers want to be heard and understood.
|
||
Many people can sing at the same time, but they had better be singing
|
||
the same tune, or chaos will result. In an online conference several
|
||
conversations (threads) can be occurring simultaneously. If you
|
||
don't like any of the songs being performed in a conference, get up
|
||
on stage and start one you do like. If others find your song
|
||
interesting enough to join in, you've just started another thread.
|
||
|
||
In summary, lurkers aren't all that mysterious, since virtually
|
||
everyone is a lurker at one time or another. There are about as many
|
||
reasons for lurking as there are lurkers. As a child I was afraid of
|
||
dead people. My father told me, "don't worry about dead people, son,
|
||
it's the live ones you gotta watch out for." The same thing goes for
|
||
lurkers. Don't worry about lurkers, it's the posters you have to
|
||
worry about. {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
|
||
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
|
||
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
|
||
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
|
||
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
|
||
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Sound Byte:
|
||
|
||
Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job?
|
||
|
||
A: Four: three to hold it down and one to rip its head off.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 6 May 1994
|
||
|
||
RAH News Magazine
|
||
by Greg Borek
|
||
|
||
Our lead story tonight: Mrs. Edna Greenbaum of Passaic, New Jersey
|
||
has quietly become the richest woman in the world. Demonstrating
|
||
keen business acumen and a perverse love of peanut butter, Mrs.
|
||
Greenbaum quietly obtained the patent for the computer keyboard.
|
||
From now on anyone using a computer keyboard to input information
|
||
into a computer now owes Mrs. Greenbaum 25 cents per keystroke. When
|
||
questioned what possessed her to make such a bold and insightful
|
||
financial maneuver, Mrs. Greenbaum claimed that she was actually
|
||
trying to obtain a patent for a new lawnmower that operates by
|
||
burning off some of the immense amount of sugar in peanut butter, but
|
||
filled the form out wrong. Lawyers are preparing to sue.
|
||
|
||
Spot the Wonder Dog was unfortunately shot and killed by Secret
|
||
Service agents today while at an award ceremony in his honor at the
|
||
White House. Spot TWD was at the White House to receive an award
|
||
from the First Cat for conspicuous bravery and "just plain smarts"
|
||
not usually found in a canine. Spot TWD's award was for having
|
||
reprogrammed the onboard computers and then landing a crippled
|
||
airplane that had inadvertently run into a flock of vultures (without
|
||
permission) that now inhabit the environs of Dulles airport. (The
|
||
vultures are endangered so now airplanes are as well.) Apparently,
|
||
as Spot TWD was preparing to read from a prepared statement he forgot
|
||
where he was and pooped on the carpet before attempting to "tree" the
|
||
First Cat. Approximately 150 of the warning shots fired by the
|
||
Secret Service hit Spot TWD, and he died two hours later at DC
|
||
General. Lawyers for the SPCA are planning to sue.
|
||
|
||
Joseph J. Henderson won an 3 day, 7 night all-expense paid trip for
|
||
two to the Bahamas for winning a computer programming contest
|
||
sponsored by IBM. Mr. Henderson, a retired milkman who only has a
|
||
rough familiarity with the BASIC programming language, won the
|
||
contest by producing the smallest, fastest program that would
|
||
"produce a sorted list of numbers in ascending order". Mr.
|
||
Henderson's rudimentary BASIC program was only 20 bytes in size and
|
||
did indeed produce a sorted list of numbers as output, provided,
|
||
however, the input was also sorted in ascending order. When notified
|
||
by IBM that although he had fulfilled the letter of the instructions
|
||
he had not complied with the spirit of the contest and was therefore
|
||
not being considered eligible for a prize, Mr. Henderson called "a
|
||
lawyer guy with nice hair I saw on the boob tube" and was eventually
|
||
awarded the first prize.
|
||
|
||
No one in the computer industry was surprised or really that
|
||
interested in a "kind-of" announcement "unofficially" made by
|
||
Microsoft about some software it might produce eventually.
|
||
Apparently the computer media is tired of being played like a cheap
|
||
violin and is now waiting until Microsoft actually produces something
|
||
before evaluating it. A spokesman for people said, "Well, it's about
|
||
time." Intel is planning to sue for service mark infringement:
|
||
obviously Microsoft is trying to mimic Intel's "string'em along but
|
||
only produce something when you really have to" marketing strategy
|
||
and business plan.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 7 May 1994
|
||
|
||
The newly created Ministry of Thought Police ruled today that it is
|
||
now a felony to make any sort of pun about the "information
|
||
superhighway." They are concerned that these puns are trivializing
|
||
Mr. Gore's importance and make him look more and more and more and
|
||
more like Dan Quayle every day. The Ministry also executed its first
|
||
suspect, a Mr. Fred Rogers of Tempe, AZ. Mr. Rogers was caught
|
||
red-handed wondering in a private e-mail message what business Ms.
|
||
Rodham Clinton had attending Cabinet meetings. Ministry officials
|
||
hoped that all heretics could be eliminated as quickly in the
|
||
future.
|
||
|
||
On a positive note, a lawyer committed suicide today by jumping off
|
||
of the Empire State Building. A note found at the scene said the man
|
||
was tired of being a detriment to society, forever sponging off the
|
||
honest labor of working people without contributing anything. It
|
||
went on to say that lawyers have now made their way into every aspect
|
||
of human life, and he felt that honest people should be able to make
|
||
major transactions without having to support overpaid whiners. A
|
||
spokesman for lawyers said he wasn't surprised that a thing like this
|
||
could happen given the constant harassment lawyers are constantly
|
||
subjected to.
|
||
|
||
As a surprise to absolutely no one, 118 million separate lawsuits are
|
||
being filed against the man's estate, the city and state of New York,
|
||
the owners of the Empire State Building, the descendants of the
|
||
people who constructed the building, anyone who witnessed the event,
|
||
the inventor of the hula-hoop, Utah, the Coca-Cola company, the
|
||
Colorado Rockies baseball team, and several other people not in any
|
||
way connected with the event. {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
|
||
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
|
||
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
|
||
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
What's Going On?
|
||
By Robert Hankins
|
||
|
||
There will be a screening of the Alain Resnais film,
|
||
"Nazis: Just Plain Bad" at the Orpheus, Thursday.
|
||
3105 Dump Truck Street. Francois Truffaut called it "okay".
|
||
|
||
9 year old artist Billy Turner will present an exhibit
|
||
of his Crayon works, all week at the Shlock Museum,
|
||
6104 Arsenio Hall Boulevard. Says Billy, "Many people don't
|
||
realize there's a difference between Crayon and Crayola.
|
||
But there is."
|
||
|
||
A screening of a little known Disney cartoon,
|
||
"Steamboat Jehovah's Witness", at the Paramount, Wednesday,
|
||
5204 Dufus Lane. The late Francois Truffaut said, "I didn't
|
||
see it. I tried to, but TBS ran late with one of those
|
||
basketball games."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 8 May 1994
|
||
|
||
The famous dope-sniffing dog known simply as "Satan"
|
||
will be signing autographs at the Krieger Hotel on Lemonhead
|
||
Avenue, Tuesday. Curious drug-users are requested to stay
|
||
at least 300 yards from the pooch.
|
||
|
||
There will be a wacky car accident at the intersection
|
||
of Nostradamus and Fifth, Thursday, around brunch.
|
||
Ironically, neither driver will have insurance.
|
||
|
||
>> Television This Week <<
|
||
|
||
"60 Minutes" --- Mike Wallace harasses some
|
||
McDonald's employees just to get a free milk-shake.
|
||
|
||
"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" -- two new characters are introduced:
|
||
Sgt. Stacey Koon and Officer Laurence Powell are hired to
|
||
"keep an eye" on Will and his wacky L.A. buddies.
|
||
|
||
News for the Dead --- with Ian Wolfe.
|
||
A story about dead musician Charlie Parker: songs include
|
||
"Ornithology", "Astronomy", "Social Sciences", "Gestaltism",
|
||
and "Department of Health and Human Services".
|
||
|
||
Movie: "Honey, I Impregnated the Kids!" (1991)
|
||
Disney film not suitable for children.
|
||
Cast wishes to remain anonymous.
|
||
|
||
Movie: "Sappho -- 1970" (1984)
|
||
Wacky Joe Orton play about blundering jewel thieves who stumble
|
||
into Judy Garland film festival in West Hollywood.
|
||
|
||
"Sesame Street"
|
||
Leon Trotsky makes a dash to Mexico after stealing
|
||
Cookie Monster's Mitch Miller records.
|
||
The number for today is 666.
|
||
|
||
"Love That Nessie!"
|
||
When the cable company tells him that his loch-bound cave
|
||
is "too deep" to be serviced, the lovable monster
|
||
takes hostages at a nuclear plant.
|
||
|
||
Star Trek: "A Taste of Matzah" --- Kirk, Spock and McCoy are
|
||
transported back in time to Bob Dylan's briss ceremony.
|
||
Scotty introduces a young Gorn to the pleasures of bourbon.
|
||
|
||
Movie: "Clambake Beach" (William Asher, 1965)
|
||
Beach comedy with Frankie, Annette and Clyde the Gorilla.
|
||
Trouble starts when Frankie spies Annette at the local hang-out
|
||
having dinner with Albert Camus. with Paul Lynde, Don Rickles.
|
||
|
||
Movie: "Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Plumber" (Japan, '66)
|
||
Down and out plumber runs amok in the men's room
|
||
at Macy's Department Store. Ghidrah: Dean Jagger;
|
||
Willie: Leo McKern
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 9 May 1994
|
||
|
||
"It's a Vet's Life"
|
||
Veterinarian John Baxter explains how the Van Allen Belts can be
|
||
used to pick up women.
|
||
|
||
Omnibus: "Craaazy Joe!"
|
||
Part 6 of 4. Communist hunting U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy
|
||
accuses himself of being "a ruskie".
|
||
|
||
"Aye, Jimmie!" --- starring James McReadingsberry.
|
||
Scottish comedy about a group of butlers who live in a mansion but
|
||
serve no one. Food/supplies arrive on doorstep every day but the
|
||
benefactor remains unknown.
|
||
|
||
Movie: "Le Stupide" ---(Jean-Luc Goddard, 1959)
|
||
A man learns how to leave his body to avoid salesmen.
|
||
Jacques Tati; Ayymmieeee.
|
||
|
||
Movie: "The Silence of the Lamb of God" (Ingmar Bergman, 1990)
|
||
An FBI agent enlists a fallen-from-grace television evangelist
|
||
to track down a mutated cannibalistic homosexual priest.
|
||
Jodie Foster; Michael Caine.
|
||
|
||
Movie: "Never Cry Help" (1990)
|
||
Bruce Willis as grizzled L.A. cop on vacation in Sri Lanka;
|
||
comes across international terrorists planning to turn
|
||
Bermuda Triangle into a giant shopping mall for the insane.
|
||
Mitch Ryder, Rutger Hauer, Paul Ruebens.
|
||
|
||
>> Selected Horoscope <<
|
||
|
||
Pisces: (Feb 20 to March 20)
|
||
|
||
Cash-in all your IRA's and go to one of the many
|
||
Merv Griffin Riverboat Casinos around the country.
|
||
Do it! Do it now! Merv beckons you!!!! {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Robert Hankins lives in Lake Charles, LA. He doesn't like technical
|
||
humor, so he's blackmailing RAH's editor to publish more of the other
|
||
kinds, especially stuff written by Robert himself.
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Logging Onto The National Information Superhighway: A Prediction
|
||
by Vincent B. Navarino
|
||
|
||
CONNECT 9600
|
||
|
||
Welcome to the National Information Superhighway. Enter a command.
|
||
|
||
> HELP
|
||
|
||
Welcome to the National Information Superhighway. We'd love to tell
|
||
you what the National Information Superhighway is, but since it was
|
||
created by the government we don't have a clue. Try something.
|
||
|
||
> DIR
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 10 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Sorry, that command is not available. Try something else.
|
||
|
||
> NEW
|
||
|
||
Please enter name:
|
||
|
||
> VINCENT NAVARINO
|
||
|
||
Enter Password:
|
||
|
||
> HILLARY IS A FOX
|
||
|
||
That's the President you're talking about fella! Take that back!
|
||
|
||
> ISN'T BILL THE PRES?
|
||
|
||
That's what she lets him think. What do you think of the Vice Pres?
|
||
|
||
> GORE IS A BANANA-HEAD
|
||
|
||
We think so too. Enter Address.
|
||
|
||
> 3 TOLEDO LANE, TOPEKA KANSAS
|
||
|
||
That is *NOT* your address! The FBI will be sent to your real
|
||
address if you hesitate more than 3 seconds before answering
|
||
truthfully. Don't screw with us - we're the government
|
||
|
||
> SORRY. TANAGER RD., MONROE NY
|
||
|
||
Enter Password:
|
||
|
||
> VINCENT NAVARINO
|
||
|
||
Good job, a truly unique password. Now let's see what *WE*
|
||
have on you.
|
||
|
||
**Accessing CIA and FBI databases . . .
|
||
|
||
Subject: Vincent B. Navarino
|
||
|
||
- Age: 28
|
||
- Weight: 180lbs
|
||
- Current location: sitting 2.5m from the left corner of his bedroom
|
||
in his basement apartment
|
||
- Currently wearing a dirty Paradise tee shirt, faded Rustler Jeans
|
||
(34wx32l), two day old Fruit of the Loom briefs (medium),
|
||
mismatched tube socks currently 5.76cm lower than the knees
|
||
- Hygiene: has not showered in three days
|
||
- Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
|
||
- Registered Republican (with slight Democratic tendencies)
|
||
|
||
*** New User Questionnaire***
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 11 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Answer truthfully or else the sniper who has you lined up in his
|
||
sights will open fire.
|
||
|
||
Where did you get this number to access the National Information
|
||
Superhighway?
|
||
|
||
> BATHROOM WALL AT JOHNNIE'S BAR AND GRILL.
|
||
|
||
Why do you want to access the National Information Superhighway?
|
||
|
||
> TO GET SOME KOOL WAREZ
|
||
|
||
What do you think of our president?
|
||
|
||
> HILLARY IS DOING A FINE JOB
|
||
|
||
Thanks, we think so too. She's a dear. What do you think of her
|
||
husband, the First Man?
|
||
|
||
> NEEDS A PERSONALITY
|
||
|
||
Well, you can't have everything. Thank you for taking the time out
|
||
to fill out the New User Questionnaire. The sniper has been
|
||
recalled. And now for our opening menu . . .
|
||
|
||
*****************************************************
|
||
* WELCOME TO THE NATIONAL INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY *
|
||
*****************************************************
|
||
* A JOINT VENTURE BROUGHT TO YOU BY: *
|
||
*****************************************************
|
||
* IBM, SEARS AND MICROSOFT*&^%$&*^%$#@!@!
|
||
%$#@+NO CARRIER {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Vincent B. Navarino is a mainframe programmer. He lives in the quiet
|
||
town of Monroe, NY where he runs his BBS - the Particle Board III
|
||
(Fidonet 1:272/60). After being abducted by space aliens and
|
||
returned to Earth, he now stares at the moon and submits his rantings
|
||
to RAH magazine (and they accept them!)
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Twelve Steps To An Affordable Health Care System
|
||
by Dean J. Earlix
|
||
|
||
One look at competing health care proposals makes it pretty obvious
|
||
no one with both understanding and need of public health care was
|
||
ever consulted. Even an impoverished doctoral student in one of the
|
||
allied health fields using just the leftover dregs of his imagination
|
||
could do better. In fact, could anyone be better qualified?
|
||
Consider these 12 steps to an affordable health care system:
|
||
|
||
1. Put a lid on those pointless medical procedures, but avoid the
|
||
costs of new bureaucracy, by letting an *existing* federal agency
|
||
spot-check surgery and diagnostic tests. I figure the Internal
|
||
Revenue Service--which is already geared for audits and Internal
|
||
anyway--could handle this. Who knows, maybe this year the IRS
|
||
can start saving Americans money instead of just grabbing it.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 12 May 1994
|
||
|
||
2. Know from the start if your doctor is any good. Toss out all
|
||
those old magazines in doctors' waiting rooms and replace them
|
||
with current medical journals and a medical dictionary. Now when
|
||
you sit down, you can read about your symptoms and quiz the
|
||
physician before a consultation. This measure could cut down the
|
||
need for expensive multiple opinions, motivate doctors to study
|
||
the current medical literature, and no doubt shorten waiting
|
||
periods.
|
||
|
||
3. Improve the accessibility of primary health care. Move
|
||
specialists out of those expensive, inconvenient medical centers
|
||
and into retail districts and malls where you can also cut costs
|
||
by eliminating offices. Optometrists are already working out of
|
||
eyeglass stores; why not have child psychologists in toy stores,
|
||
a marriage councilor at the florist, and gynecologists in
|
||
lingerie shops?
|
||
|
||
4. Motivate people to undertake preventative health care. Most folks
|
||
vaguely know that preventative health care saves society money,
|
||
but how do we give John and Jane Q. Public their piece? How
|
||
about this: say epidemiological studies indicate a certain test
|
||
for premenopausal women will save society millions of dollars.
|
||
Use census data to work this out on a per patient basis and send
|
||
out savings for the test in a recognizable form... perhaps as
|
||
discount coupons. Of course, the expiration date on some of
|
||
these coupons, menopause in this example, could be messy to
|
||
check.
|
||
|
||
5. Lower the costs of medical research, which should drop the cost
|
||
of medical treatments, by using white collar criminals in
|
||
research labs. Criminal labor that is--I won't even ask what you
|
||
were thinking. Myself, I've been wondering why we should have
|
||
college-educated lawbreakers just stamping out license plates or
|
||
working out with weights when they could be washing lab glassware
|
||
or running analytic equipment. Far from being worried, the
|
||
medical researchers I've worked for would love having an
|
||
assistant they could threaten to send to prison for sloppy work.
|
||
And do so nightly.
|
||
|
||
6. Fight the multibillion dollar costs of addiction by selectively
|
||
decriminalizing addictive substances and dispensing them from
|
||
government clinics that give mandatory therapy. Conservatives
|
||
worried that decriminalization amounts to social approval, fear
|
||
not: We'll let the anti-abortion industry handle the accompanying
|
||
graphic of what drugs *really* do to the brain. Yech. For
|
||
liberals concerned about the victims of decriminalization, those
|
||
poor disenfranchised drug traffickers, we could retrain them for
|
||
urban distribution of prescription drugs. At today's prices,
|
||
they'd hardly know the difference.
|
||
|
||
7. Eliminate the nettlesome conflict of interest between health
|
||
plans and health plan users. In case we legislate which
|
||
procedures are covered by national insurance, let's consider
|
||
trivia like dollar estimates of physical pain, mental anguish,
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 13 May 1994
|
||
|
||
and chance of failure. No doubt, health plan executives will
|
||
insist on determining these values themselves. Sounds fair: For
|
||
verisimilitude, offer to drape them in paper gowns, belt them
|
||
onto the examining or operation table, chill the instruments, and
|
||
ask them to suggest dollar values for everything they are about
|
||
to experience.
|
||
|
||
8. Widen the health tax base. As long as we tax people to disease
|
||
themselves with alcohol and tobacco, why not add health tax to
|
||
other unhealthy substances? We could tax raw fish and rare meat
|
||
at restaurants to cover parasite and food poisoning treatment,
|
||
tax tanning salons and bikinis to pay for skin cancer operations,
|
||
and maybe a workplace stress tax leveled against abusive
|
||
superiors. Admittedly, if folks start living more healthy lives
|
||
and treating each other with respect, the tax base would all but
|
||
dry up, but I don't suppose there's much danger of that happening
|
||
soon.
|
||
|
||
9. Institute no-fault medical malpractice insurance that completely
|
||
covers doctors, generously awards victims of human error, and
|
||
leaves lawyers out in the cold. Practitioners could lower their
|
||
fees across the board once they stopped paying malpractice
|
||
insurance premiums greater than their patient's annual income.
|
||
If they hold true to form, lawyers' groups with names like "just
|
||
plain folks against malicious medical malfeasance" will be
|
||
contributing more money to fight the measure than is spent by all
|
||
presidential and legislative candidates *combined*. Just a 5%
|
||
tax on these political contributions could probably fund
|
||
reasonable damage awards through the twenty-second century.
|
||
|
||
10. Substitute unemployed professionals for overpaid medical
|
||
specialists. For example, hire unemployed Hughes engineers and
|
||
computer programmers to replace $200,000/year anesthesiologists.
|
||
As an added benefit, the new anesthesiologists could talk to the
|
||
patient about their former work, greatly decreasing the required
|
||
amount of anesthetic. We could also cut costs by replacing
|
||
physical therapists with drill sergeants recently released due to
|
||
military downsizing. Can't you just hear it echo down the
|
||
hospital hallway now? "Streeeeraaatch those tendons you WORM!"
|
||
Last, use the natural inclination of medical malpractice lawyers,
|
||
hopefully unemployed due to no-fault malpractice insurance, as
|
||
blood-letting phlebotomists.
|
||
|
||
11. Allow elective medical treatments to be paid by elective
|
||
donations. Hospitals and clinics are chronically short of blood
|
||
because, if cash is paid, they get donations from undesirable
|
||
types like alcoholics, drug abusers, and college students. If
|
||
payment was non-cash--credit for elective procedures--
|
||
undesirables would not be attracted by the cash. A couple
|
||
gallons of blood (separate visits, please) and those braces won't
|
||
cost a cent. Indeed, if doctors had switched earlier to the
|
||
serpent and staff caduceus and dropped the gilded balls of the
|
||
Medici device, the notion of cash for blood donations might never
|
||
have come up: While the Medici name is remembered in the word
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 14 May 1994
|
||
|
||
medicine (and Medicare) the family device has remained the symbol
|
||
for their other line of business, pawn shops.
|
||
|
||
12. Read more humorous material. Not only is laughter cheap, it
|
||
might just be the best medicine. {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
The author, Dean J. Earlix, has worked in a diagnostic lab and is
|
||
currently a doctoral candidate at Auburn University in an allied
|
||
health field. Admittedly, it is the fish health field. He can be
|
||
reached on the Internet at: DEARLIX@AG.AUBURN.EDU
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
When the Gods Get Bored
|
||
by Ray Koziel
|
||
|
||
"Loki! Loki where are you?!"
|
||
|
||
"Why Thor, how are you doing? What's all the fuss about?"
|
||
|
||
"Loki, Father Odin has asked me to talk to you about some of your
|
||
mischievous doings of late. He wants you to stop playing your pranks
|
||
immediately and leave California alone."
|
||
|
||
"Oh come on Thor! Give me a break! What is a god to do nowadays?
|
||
Those humans down there have forgotten about us up here in Asgard!
|
||
All of them, caught up in their material things - their homes and
|
||
cars and computers. Or they are too busy! Running to this meeting
|
||
and that conference! To be honest Thor, I'm just plain bored."
|
||
|
||
"Bored? Loki, you are a god of Asgard...how can you possibly be
|
||
bored?!"
|
||
|
||
"I didn't think it could be possible either but it's true. It was
|
||
kinda fun at first. Let's see, there was the Bermuda Triangle. That
|
||
lasted quite some time before humans just stopped going through
|
||
there. Then there are the UFOs! Those still work in certain places.
|
||
And then they invented the computer! I'm still having a ball with
|
||
those! Computer viruses, system crashes, the possibilities are
|
||
endless! And they're putting together this information highway to
|
||
link 'em all together! Hooboy! I can't wait."
|
||
|
||
"See Loki! I'd say you are far from being bored."
|
||
|
||
"Ok, ok. But you have to admit, it's just not the same! I mean even
|
||
you have to admit that a thousand years ago you had 'em shaking on
|
||
Midgard every time you slammed your hammer and sent thunder through
|
||
the air. And what's all this about me leaving California alone?"
|
||
|
||
"Well haven't you gone a little overboard? Fire, riots, mudslides,
|
||
earthquakes - how much can one area take?!"
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 15 May 1994
|
||
|
||
"Oh, all those pompous, rich idiots make me sick and I had to teach
|
||
'em a lesson. Why they want to live on top of a fault line is beyond
|
||
me anyway. And what are you getting on my case for, Mr.
|
||
Thunderpants? How about you and that little flood you got going in
|
||
the Midwest, huh?"
|
||
|
||
"Ok you got me! I see your point. It has been so long since I've
|
||
been able to express my strength and power. It just got pent up
|
||
inside me and I had to let it go. You're right Loki, things are not
|
||
the same anymore and there just isn't anything for a god to do."
|
||
|
||
"Hey, come on, don't be so glum! I know! Let's go see how my latest
|
||
prank is unfolding. I've been sending Wall Street on the wildest
|
||
ride ever. This should keep those starched shirts and bean counters
|
||
on antacid for a while!"
|
||
|
||
"I'm glad to see some things haven't changed! Let's go!" {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in
|
||
Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has
|
||
become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense
|
||
of humor.
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
The Unfinancial User
|
||
by Chris Davidson
|
||
|
||
"You are old father Williams, the young man cried, and your hair
|
||
it is turning grey . . . "
|
||
|
||
I don't know who wrote the original of this. Someone called
|
||
Thomas Blakney, I think. Whoever he was, it is his poem that
|
||
seems at this particular instance, to prey upon my mind . .
|
||
|
||
Prey is not actually a good description. It is more like
|
||
something teetering around in my mind, somewhat like a young
|
||
lady trying out her first set of high heels and probably just as
|
||
comfortable . . .
|
||
|
||
Why am I thinking of this you ask?, Good question. Actually it
|
||
is because of a user, a nerd, and a juvenile one at that . . .
|
||
This is the reason for all my consternation and self doubts, as
|
||
to why, it is because he has touched upon a subject that I
|
||
normally avoid.
|
||
|
||
I, with all my accumulated knowledge at this present moment, am
|
||
feeling . . . dare I say it, have to admit I am getting OLD! It
|
||
is not so much that I am old that annoys me, its the insinuation
|
||
that I am and I quote 'ANCIENT.'
|
||
|
||
How did it start, what brought it on? Quite simple, a user
|
||
logging onto my BBS and me being stupid, answering a Sysop page
|
||
call . . .
|
||
|
||
<sirens blare> (well they do if you run PCBoard correctly)
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 16 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Hello this is the Sysop, how may I help you? (I have a polite
|
||
tone to my page calls, comes with age).
|
||
|
||
"Ummm..giday (this nerd can't even spell correctly), how's it
|
||
going?
|
||
|
||
Okay. Can I help you with something?
|
||
|
||
Yes, why can't I download the latest copy of DOOM?
|
||
|
||
Please hold while I check <madly shell to PCBoard System
|
||
manager>, darn this bloke is non-financial and has a status
|
||
level equivalent to an amoeba and he expects download status .
|
||
. . fat chance!
|
||
|
||
<Politely> Sorry but as an unfinancial user you cannot download
|
||
any files.
|
||
|
||
What a bummer . . .
|
||
|
||
Yes well them's the breaks . . .
|
||
|
||
Yes, umm how bout I have a temp priviledge level just this
|
||
wunce?
|
||
|
||
<Get stuffed> under my breath . . . Sorry, it's not possible.
|
||
|
||
Puleeeese? <this whining, lapdog approach isn't gunna get you
|
||
any where!
|
||
|
||
Sorry.
|
||
|
||
Do you go to Uni?
|
||
|
||
No.
|
||
|
||
Rats, wuz gunna give you some hints on the up coming exams! Who
|
||
are you?
|
||
|
||
The sysop!
|
||
|
||
Oh, you're the old bloke who runs the BBS . . . ?
|
||
|
||
<Old, old . . . ever so slightly the blood pressure begins to
|
||
boil.> Just what do you mean by old?
|
||
|
||
Well. your about 28 or sumpin aren't you?
|
||
|
||
No slightly older <the blood pressure goes up another notch>
|
||
|
||
Umm how old are you?
|
||
|
||
It is here I could do my Zsa Zsa Gabor impersonation and say that,
|
||
contrary to media speculation, I am a mere 30! But being old and
|
||
wise <a fact I will come to regret later> I say proudly, no a bit
|
||
older than that!
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 17 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Umm you mean you are older than 28? mibbe 30 sumpin, wun of them
|
||
wrinklies!
|
||
|
||
<I am now at a loss for words. What is a wrinkly, how old is a
|
||
wrinkly?) <I decide to battle on>. . .Try adding a few years.
|
||
|
||
Older'n 30?
|
||
|
||
Yes <defiantly>
|
||
|
||
40?
|
||
|
||
Older! <The chest suddenly thrusts itself forward, leaving me
|
||
temporarily out of breath, but I make it>
|
||
|
||
How old are you? <This is said with a certain amount of respect
|
||
at this point, but soon it will degenerate into something
|
||
totally different.>
|
||
|
||
Around 50 <give or take a few months, but who's counting>
|
||
|
||
Reeeeeeely no kidding, that old?
|
||
|
||
Yes, Why?
|
||
|
||
Shouldn't you be in bed or sumpin? I mean thats ancient man!
|
||
|
||
<Ever so slightly a China Syndrome begins to build itself within
|
||
my bosom. When you get to my age, it is common to find that men
|
||
do tend to develop bosoms.>
|
||
|
||
No I should not be in bed, and what has my age got to do with
|
||
anything? What the hell is it you want?
|
||
|
||
How kum you no so much about computers? They wasn't invented
|
||
when you were a kid! <uuh ohh, come in sucker>
|
||
|
||
What! course they were, we just didn't use them as much.
|
||
|
||
You guys didn't have any PC's when you wuz kids! My dad say's
|
||
you used sumpin called an abakus!
|
||
|
||
<Suddenly, the chaos at Chernobyl seems miniscule compared to
|
||
what is happening to my blood pressure> Look geek! <vehmence>
|
||
I will have you know they had computers in my day. We just
|
||
didn't have personal computers.
|
||
|
||
Booooooll sheet! the PC wasn't even invented when you wuz a kid!
|
||
|
||
<Suddenly the pounding in my head becomes intolerable. Quickly I
|
||
try to shove one of the little blue pills my local MD gave me to
|
||
reduce the pressure in my cholesterol choked veins, down to the
|
||
back of my throat>
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 18 May 1994
|
||
|
||
I betcha you wuz peepin over Charles Babbages shoulder when they
|
||
invented computers . . . <g>
|
||
|
||
Funny bugger! <The blue pill manages to lodge itself not where
|
||
it is supposed to, but between the last of my two remaining
|
||
molars . . . I close my mouth. A bitter tasting concoction
|
||
fills my olfactory system which adds to my rising anger.> His
|
||
comment about ancient, combined with the bitter taste of the
|
||
junk enclosed in the blue pill causes me to grimace more than is
|
||
usual.
|
||
|
||
CRACK!
|
||
|
||
I release my grip on the mouse I was holding for succour, it
|
||
disintegrates into a thousand pieces, without a whimper, or a
|
||
squeak! I attempt to type a message which should have said
|
||
"LISTEN YOU!' but I hit the keyboard too hard and the plastic
|
||
top on the letter 'L' goes sailing across the room to be lost
|
||
among the rest of the office rubbish. Bravely I battle on and
|
||
hit the keyboard. With a whimper I shove what is left of the
|
||
bleeding stump that was my finger into my mouth. This guy has
|
||
begun to get to me!
|
||
|
||
Realising I am now sans mouse, sans one digit, I attempt to
|
||
restore some credability to the BBS and my standing as a Sysop .
|
||
. . this is hard. It has to be the most ridiculous sight you
|
||
could ever see, a Sysop madly trying to type and avoiding the
|
||
missing letter 'L', which makes all your sentences come out
|
||
sounding as if you are one of these Japanese TV commercials . .
|
||
. oh what a feering 'Toyota'! John Laws would hate me.
|
||
|
||
I try to jury rig the mouse...have you ever attempted to push
|
||
two wires around a mouse pad, without balls! Looks totally
|
||
stupid . . .
|
||
|
||
Rook you! I am not ord. I am a mature computer operator! Don't
|
||
you forget it ?. . . if it wasn't for guys rike me you wourn't
|
||
have a BBS to carr up.
|
||
|
||
The residue of the pills start to take effect, all I want to do
|
||
at this moment is to lie down somewhere and catch my breath . . .
|
||
|
||
Rook! < I start to say, then suffer an instantaneous bout of
|
||
altheziemers>
|
||
|
||
Hello? Hello you still there Sysop?
|
||
|
||
Awww gaaawd I mutter to myself . . . mibbe he's right, mibbe I
|
||
should chuck it in . . . {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Chris Davidson is the sysop of Images Unlimted in Darwin, Australia.
|
||
(3:850/110) He also is the editor and publisher of _Chips 'n' Bits_,
|
||
the Australasian Computer and BBS Users' Magazine.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 19 May 1994
|
||
|
||
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey
|
||
|
||
Sponsored by:
|
||
|
||
EXEC-PC
|
||
P.O. Box 57 voice: (414) 789-4200
|
||
Elm Grove, WI. 2400: (414) 789-4210 V.32bis: (414) 789-4360
|
||
|
||
EXEC-PC is the world's largest BBS with 300+ incoming phone lines.
|
||
It was also one of the first major boards to adopt the Readroom Door
|
||
for online periodical viewing. Both RAH editions are personally
|
||
uploaded to EXEC-PC each month by the editor.
|
||
|
||
EXEC-PC has donated two one-year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, each
|
||
valued at $75.
|
||
|
||
Also sponsored by:
|
||
|
||
Clark Internet Services, Inc. (ClarkNet)
|
||
10600 Route 108 voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764
|
||
Ellicott City, MD 21042 TDD: (410) 730-9764 FAX: (410) 730-9765
|
||
You can e-mail to all-info@clark.net for automatic reply of ClarkNet
|
||
information or e-mail to info@clark.net for inquiry.
|
||
|
||
ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/
|
||
Washington metro area. Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access
|
||
is available through UNIX shell accounts. UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access
|
||
is also available. The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection
|
||
thru ClarkNet. ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1
|
||
leased line. The modem access number is: (410) 730-9786.
|
||
|
||
ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a
|
||
random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey
|
||
responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94. The prize
|
||
package contains: 6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet
|
||
e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the
|
||
Internet_ by Susan Estrada. All setup fees and shipping charges are
|
||
included.
|
||
|
||
Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses. Any such
|
||
additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues. If your
|
||
organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer
|
||
for details. (dave_bealer@rah.clark.net; Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129)
|
||
|
||
-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------
|
||
|
||
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey
|
||
|
||
(Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.)
|
||
|
||
>> Questions about you, the reader:
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 20 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Name:___________________________________________________ Age:_______
|
||
|
||
Address:_____________________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
City:_________________________________________ State/Prov:___________
|
||
|
||
Country:______________________________ Postal Code:_________________
|
||
|
||
Electronic Address:__________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____
|
||
|
||
Modem Brand:________________ Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______
|
||
|
||
Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________
|
||
(enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things)
|
||
Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________
|
||
|
||
|
||
>> Questions about your RAH reading habits:
|
||
|
||
I get RAH from: ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify)
|
||
|
||
____ BBS/Online System (specify) ____ CD-ROM (specify) ____ Friend
|
||
|
||
____ File Echo (specify) ____ Other (specify):______________________
|
||
|
||
Name of source:______________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________
|
||
|
||
Location of source:__________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________
|
||
|
||
Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________
|
||
|
||
Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______
|
||
|
||
What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH?
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
>> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy:
|
||
(if you have no preference in a particular category,
|
||
enter "None")
|
||
|
||
Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 21 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________
|
||
|
||
Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________
|
||
|
||
Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________
|
||
(newspaper or magazine)
|
||
|
||
Surveys may be returned at any time. Surveys that are completed and
|
||
received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing
|
||
for valuable prizes.
|
||
|
||
-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------
|
||
|
||
Return the survey to:
|
||
|
||
Internet: survey94@rah.clark.net
|
||
|
||
FidoNet: Survey94 at 1:261/1129
|
||
|
||
Snailmail: 1994 RAH Reader Survey
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122
|
||
USA
|
||
|
||
The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey
|
||
will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the
|
||
list of winners from the drawing.
|
||
|
||
Please use the survey form from this issue or later issues. The form
|
||
published in the February 1994 issue did not include space for the
|
||
respondent's postal code. Lack of a postal code could delay the
|
||
delivery of any prize you might win.
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers:
|
||
|
||
For the duration of the 1994 RAH Reader Survey, we'll be providing
|
||
you with the survey responses of several RAH Writers. This month,
|
||
the survey responses of Greg Borek:
|
||
|
||
Your favorite stand-up comedian: George Carlin - A mean, cynical
|
||
surly old coot. (Greg can probably identify because he is a mean,
|
||
cynical surly young coot - Ed.)
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comic actor: Christopher Lloyd - does the most
|
||
convincing clinical insanity (Ibid - Ed.)
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comic actress: Valerie Bertinelli, closely followed by
|
||
Marilu Henner. Some people might actually like to see that.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 22 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comedy movie: Kermit the Frog Goes Crazy-ape Bonkers
|
||
With His Drill & Set - I'm not sure where I saw this but the visual
|
||
experience was stunning.
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comedy television show: Monty Python's Flying Circus -
|
||
No other program has the quality, variety, or staying power.
|
||
Excellent all around. Nothing else comes close.
|
||
|
||
Your favorite humorous novel: "Coffee, Repartee, and the Idiot"
|
||
(1899). An obscure book about life in a boarding house where the
|
||
Idiot wins all tests of wits.
|
||
|
||
Your favorite comic book: Marvel's The Avengers - This is a qualified
|
||
vote because I have never read two consecutive issues. This makes
|
||
any sort of plotline impossible to follow. Stan Lee is an artistic
|
||
God.
|
||
|
||
Your favorite humor columnist: Dave Barry, closely followed by P.J.
|
||
O'Rourke. Barry does it every week but O'Rourke's "Parliament of
|
||
Whores" qualifies him for sainthood. {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
RAH Humor Review: Classic Comedy Recordings
|
||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
This month the RAH Humor Review takes a departure from coverage of
|
||
newly released comedy. A RAH Reader Survey respondent pointed out
|
||
that several forms of humor/comedy have been ignored in the survey.
|
||
The most important form mentioned was comedy records. Here are some
|
||
of my favorite humorous recordings:
|
||
|
||
>> Stand Up Comedy <<
|
||
|
||
George Carlin - Toledo Window Box (circa 1973)
|
||
* A friend in high school had this one, so I don't have any details.
|
||
We really enjoyed this one, though. George has enjoyed incredible
|
||
longevity in a tough and competitive field. He's just as funny
|
||
today as the first time I saw him do his "Hippy-Dippy Weatherman"
|
||
routine in the sixties.
|
||
|
||
Cheech & Chong - Big Bambu (circa 1973)
|
||
* The definitive drug comics do routines like "Sister Mary Elephant,"
|
||
"The Empire Hancock Building," and "Let's Make A Dope Deal." This
|
||
LP(*) came with Cheech & Chong rolling papers. I had a real
|
||
interesting time explaining to my father what they were doing in my
|
||
room. (Now available on CD from Warner)
|
||
|
||
Bill Cosby - Fat Albert (circa 1973)
|
||
* Probably not the title of any of Cosby's early albums, which were
|
||
owned by that same friend in high school. Long before Dr. Huxtable
|
||
there was Fat Albert and all the other crazies Bill grew up with.
|
||
Around this time there was also an animated series called "Fat
|
||
Albert And The Cosby Kids."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 23 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Lily Tomlin - This Is A Recording (Polydor - 1971)
|
||
* The Laugh-In veteran captured live at The Ice House, Pasadena, CA.
|
||
Lily portrays audacious operator Ernestine in such classics as "The
|
||
Marriage Counselor," "Mr. Veedle," and "The Repairman." The first
|
||
comedy record I ever purchased.
|
||
|
||
|
||
>> Humorous Music/Parodies <<
|
||
(includes recordings combining music and stand up routines)
|
||
|
||
Kip Addotta - The Comedian Of The United States (Laff - 1985)
|
||
* Features my favorite original comedy song, "Wet Dream." Also
|
||
includes "A State of the Humor Address," and "Big Cock-Roach."
|
||
|
||
Steve Martin - Comedy Is Not Pretty (Warner - 1979)
|
||
* The banjo-picking "wild and crazy guy" recorded live at the
|
||
Boarding House in San Francisco. Includes "Googlephonics," "Cruel
|
||
Shoes," and "Comedy Is Not Pretty."
|
||
|
||
Monty Python - Matching Tie and Handkerchief (Arista - 1973)
|
||
* A mixture of old and new. Classic Python sketches include: "The
|
||
Cheese Shop," "Bruces," and "Bishop on the Landing." Among the new
|
||
bits are "Background to History," "World War Noises," and "Word
|
||
Association Football." Side two of the original LP had a unique
|
||
feature - there were two completely separate sets of grooves.
|
||
After listening to half the material on side two, you had to keep
|
||
placing the needle at the start until it found the second groove
|
||
entry. The copy I own is "banded for airplay" so it has the normal
|
||
boring LP layout on both sides.
|
||
|
||
Peter, Paul & Mary - In Concert (circa 1964)
|
||
* I can hear it. Several thousand people just said, in unison, "What
|
||
the heck...." Yes, I know. PPM are not generally known for humor,
|
||
at least by those not familiar with their work. It just so happens
|
||
that these folks *are* funny. Noel Paul Stookey is a fine stand up
|
||
comic, in addition to being a member of the most famous folk
|
||
singing trio in history. His routine "Paultalk" from this double
|
||
album (now a double CD by Warner) was the first stand up comedy
|
||
routine I ever memorized. My mother had to buy another copy when I
|
||
wore out the first one by constantly dropping the needle on
|
||
"Paultalk" and "Puff the Magic Dragon" (seven-year-olds don't make
|
||
the most delicate needle droppers in the world). Peter Yarrow does
|
||
a great audience interaction spot setting up harmonies for "Rock My
|
||
Soul" that had to be the inspiration for SCTV's Schmenge Brothers
|
||
routine. Peter also does a hilariously confused speech about "The
|
||
Dragon" to lead into "Puff." Last, but definitely not least, Mary
|
||
Travers and Paul Stookey have a playful duet in "Car, Car." Noel
|
||
Paul Stookey wears yet another hat these days. He's the sysop of
|
||
the Celebration Station BBS in Blue Hill Falls, Maine. Using the
|
||
Major BBS, CeleStat supports speeds up to 14400 at (207) 374-5161.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 24 May 1994
|
||
|
||
"Weird Al" Yankovic - In 3-D (Scottie Brothers - 1984)
|
||
* The modern master of song parodies at his best. Includes classics
|
||
like "Eat It," "Buy Me A Condo," "I Lost On Jeopardy," and "King of
|
||
Suede."
|
||
|
||
{* Note: for younger readers who don't remember the Vinyl Age, the
|
||
term "LP" stands for "Long Playing record." They were the fore-
|
||
runners of today's CDs.} {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Announcements and Observations
|
||
|
||
The 1994 RAH Reader Survey is still in full swing. We've already
|
||
received 25% more responses in three months than for the 1993 survey,
|
||
which has been running for 15 months. There are still two months
|
||
(until June 30, 1994) to respond in time to have your survey entered
|
||
in the drawing. Interim standings in the "popularity" portion of the
|
||
survey follow (standings as of 4/27/94):
|
||
|
||
Stand Up Comic:
|
||
Robin Williams and George Carlin are dueling for first place,
|
||
with Steven Wright a close third.
|
||
|
||
Comic Actor:
|
||
Steve Martin is tied for first with John Cleese. Chevy Chase
|
||
and Robin Williams are tied for third. A very close race.
|
||
|
||
Comic Actress:
|
||
Whoopie Goldberg is first, closely followed by Goldie Hawn.
|
||
Gilda Radner is in third place.
|
||
|
||
Comedy Movie:
|
||
Monty Python and the Holy Grail is clearly in the lead, with
|
||
Monty Python's Life of Brian tied for second with The Naked Gun.
|
||
Oddly enough, the Airplane movies haven't received a single vote.
|
||
|
||
Comedy Television Program:
|
||
Home Improvement is currently edging out M*A*S*H and Monty
|
||
Python's Flying Circus. Seinfeld is in fourth. I have to
|
||
confess that I've never seen the first or fourth place shows.
|
||
|
||
Humorous Novel:
|
||
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is running away with this
|
||
category. In fact, it's the only book that has received more
|
||
than one vote.
|
||
|
||
Comic Book:
|
||
This category has been dominated by "None" or blank responses.
|
||
No comic book has received more than one vote.
|
||
|
||
Humor Columnist:
|
||
Dave Barry is pulling away from P. J. O'Rourke, who remains in
|
||
second, just ahead of Dave Bealer. It's somewhat embarrassing
|
||
that I've received as many votes as Erma Bombeck and Lewis
|
||
Grizzard put together. I should mention that no brownie points
|
||
will be awarded for voting for me.
|
||
- - -
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 25 May 1994
|
||
|
||
REMINDER: RAH is now being published 10 times per year. There will
|
||
be no July or August issues this year.
|
||
- - -
|
||
Dave Bealer will be offline during June and July in order to pursue a
|
||
non-RAH related writing project. It is also hoped that a vacation
|
||
from RAH will give him some fresh ideas and enthusiasm. The Puffin's
|
||
Nest will still be operating, but Dave makes no promises as far as
|
||
responding to mail quickly.
|
||
|
||
Manuscripts for RAH may still be submitted, but they will not be read
|
||
until August.
|
||
- - -
|
||
The deadline for submissions for the June 1994 issue is 05/25/94.
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
--- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway
|
||
|
||
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
|
||
|
||
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
|
||
|
||
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
|
||
|
||
I'm mad! This 386 doesn't spel any better than the XT.
|
||
|
||
To a cat: happiness is a warm laser printer.
|
||
|
||
Human being: automatic door opener for cats.
|
||
|
||
Assassins do it from behind.
|
||
|
||
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
|
||
|
||
You're the computer, you tell ME where the file is!
|
||
|
||
I can fly! I can fly! I can...oh #$%&!
|
||
|
||
...and don't dangle your participles in public.
|
||
|
||
File MASTERPI.ECE not found: (A)bort, (Retry), (S)uicide?
|
||
|
||
Objects are just data structures with an attitude.
|
||
|
||
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
|
||
|
||
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
|
||
|
||
"No matter how cynical I get, I still can't keep up." - Lily Tomlin
|
||
|
||
No dolphins were killed to produce this message.
|
||
|
||
He who stick head in fruit drink get punch in nose.
|
||
|
||
I'm in a class by myself. Everyone else graduated.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 26 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Semper Fidelis: Always faithful. Semper Gumby: Always flexible.
|
||
|
||
Oops. My brain just hit another bad sector.
|
||
|
||
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
|
||
|
||
Yeah, it's done. Can't you hear the smoke alarm?
|
||
|
||
To clone a felon, do I use the COPY CON command?
|
||
|
||
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
|
||
|
||
There will be a rain dance Friday, weather permitting.
|
||
|
||
Fanatic: can't change his mind, won't change the subject.
|
||
|
||
I like Barney...stuffed and mounted on my wall.
|
||
|
||
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
|
||
|
||
Help! I've fallen down, and I kind of like it down here!
|
||
|
||
Cows ride the space shuttle - the herd shot round the world.
|
||
|
||
The computer revolution is over. They won.
|
||
|
||
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
|
||
|
||
For sincere personal advice, page your sysop at 3 AM.
|
||
|
||
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
|
||
|
||
I like your approach. Now, let's see your departure.
|
||
|
||
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.
|
||
|
||
Well, MY broker is E.F. Hutton, and... MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
|
||
|
||
Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot.
|
||
|
||
Situation normal: I don't know what I'm doing.
|
||
|
||
The first airplane hangar was built for drip-dry planes.
|
||
|
||
I just picked up a book called "Glue" and I can't put it down.
|
||
|
||
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
|
||
|
||
Stand back! I've got a mouse and I know how to use it!
|
||
|
||
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
|
||
|
||
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
|
||
|
||
ZenCrafters: Total enlightenment, in about an hour.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-1 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Masthead:
|
||
|
||
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Associate Editor: Greg Borek
|
||
|
||
Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel, Vincent B. Navarino
|
||
|
||
Logo Design: Kelly Price
|
||
|
||
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
|
||
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
|
||
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
|
||
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
|
||
greg.borek@rah.clark.net
|
||
|
||
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
|
||
Random Access Humor
|
||
c/o Dave Bealer
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
|
||
|
||
>> Legal Junk <<
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
|
||
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.
|
||
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
|
||
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
|
||
service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by
|
||
their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does
|
||
not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in
|
||
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
|
||
publisher.
|
||
|
||
This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
|
||
bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
|
||
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with
|
||
the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
|
||
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights
|
||
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
|
||
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or
|
||
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the
|
||
publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher.
|
||
|
||
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
|
||
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
|
||
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
|
||
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
|
||
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
|
||
in combination with any other publication or product.
|
||
|
||
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
|
||
their respective owners.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-2 May 1994
|
||
|
||
>> Where to Get RAH <<
|
||
|
||
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
|
||
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
|
||
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
|
||
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
|
||
|
||
Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
|
||
to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
|
||
For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net
|
||
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.
|
||
|
||
RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:
|
||
|
||
etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
|
||
(ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)
|
||
|
||
ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah
|
||
(ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
|
||
(ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
|
||
(READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)
|
||
|
||
>> Writing For RAH <<
|
||
|
||
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
|
||
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
|
||
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches)
|
||
may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
|
||
|
||
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
|
||
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
|
||
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
|
||
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
|
||
extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
|
||
it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as
|
||
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
|
||
contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
|
||
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
|
||
messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
|
||
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
|
||
received.
|
||
|
||
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
|
||
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
|
||
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
|
||
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
|
||
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
|
||
so keep it (mostly) clean.
|
||
|
||
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
|
||
1) Any material in the public domain.
|
||
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
|
||
right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
|
||
copyright holder.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-3 May 1994
|
||
|
||
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
|
||
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
|
||
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
|
||
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
|
||
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
|
||
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
|
||
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
|
||
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
|
||
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
|
||
name, date of previous publication.
|
||
|
||
RAH Distribution System:
|
||
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
|
||
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
|
||
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
|
||
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
|
||
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual)
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
|
||
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
|
||
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
|
||
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
|
||
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
|
||
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
|
||
|
||
European Gateway:
|
||
|
||
Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
|
||
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
|
||
|
||
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
|
||
|
||
-= AUSTRALIA =-
|
||
Northern Territory
|
||
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Victoria
|
||
The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= BELGIUM =-
|
||
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= CANADA =-
|
||
Ontario
|
||
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis
|
||
The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 Z19
|
||
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-4 May 1994
|
||
|
||
-= FRANCE =-
|
||
The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= GERMANY =-
|
||
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19
|
||
|
||
-= ICELAND =-
|
||
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= ITALY =-
|
||
Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19
|
||
|
||
-= NETHERLANDS =-
|
||
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
|
||
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual
|
||
Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis
|
||
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
|
||
Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis
|
||
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
|
||
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= PORTUGAL =-
|
||
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis
|
||
The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32
|
||
|
||
-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
|
||
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= SLOVENIA =-
|
||
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= UNITED STATES =-
|
||
Alabama
|
||
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
|
||
Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
California
|
||
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
|
||
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
|
||
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
|
||
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Connecticut
|
||
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Florida
|
||
Ruby's Joint Coconut Grove 1:135/373 (305) 856-4897 V.32bis
|
||
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Hawaii
|
||
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-5 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Idaho
|
||
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Illinois
|
||
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
|
||
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32
|
||
|
||
Indiana
|
||
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Maryland
|
||
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
|
||
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
|
||
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
|
||
Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis
|
||
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Michigan
|
||
Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Mississippi
|
||
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Missouri
|
||
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
New Mexico
|
||
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32
|
||
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
New York
|
||
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
|
||
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
|
||
Particle Board 3 Monroe 1:272/60 (914) 783-2455 V.32
|
||
ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis
|
||
Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST
|
||
|
||
Oklahoma
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Oregon
|
||
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
|
||
|
||
Pennsylvania
|
||
Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis
|
||
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
|
||
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Texas
|
||
Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis
|
||
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-6 May 1994
|
||
|
||
Utah
|
||
Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Virginia
|
||
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
|
||
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis
|
||
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
|
||
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Washington
|
||
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
|
||
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
West Virginia
|
||
Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Wisconsin
|
||
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
=====================================================================
|
||
|
||
Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
|
||
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)
|
||
|
||
Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)
|
||
|
||
EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)
|
||
|
||
SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193
|
||
|
||
Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137
|