1846 lines
76 KiB
Plaintext
1846 lines
76 KiB
Plaintext
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R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!
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Volume 0 Number E November 1993
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A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
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is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.
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Editor: Dave Bealer
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Member of the Digital Publishing Association
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Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
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Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
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VaporWare Communications
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32768 Infinite Loop
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Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
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USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
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The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
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earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
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this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
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will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
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Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
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TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
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About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
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Editorial - The State of Electronic Publishing Address.............01
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Lettuce to the Editor..............................................04
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Star Bored: Deep Node Naive........................................04
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Echoes From Hell...................................................10
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Mental Pause.......................................................12
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The Big Aussie BBSCON '93..........................................13
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Comedy and Computing...............................................17
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The 1993 Ig Nobel Prize Winners....................................18
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The Twit Filter: The Rules Lawyer..................................21
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A Sysop's Phone Bill...............................................23
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RAH Humor Review: Missing Inaction.................................23
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RAH Needs A Logo!..................................................23
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Announcements......................................................25
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Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................26
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Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
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RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2
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Random Access Humor Page 1 November 1993
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About Vaporware Communications
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VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
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Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
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VaporWare Corporate Officers:
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Luther Lecks
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President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
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Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
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V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
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Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
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V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
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Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
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Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
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V.P., Research & Development
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editorial - The State of the Electronic Publishing Address
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by Dave Bealer
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The Digital Publishing Association, of which I am proud to be a
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member, has declared November 1993 to be "Electronic Publishing
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Month." It seems only fitting, therefore, that I bore you all to
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tears with "my own personal vision" of where RAH (and the whole
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electronic publishing industry) is, where it came from, where it is
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going, what time it got home last night, etc.
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A few visionaries, such as N. L. "Jake" Hargrove of New Mexico, have
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been touting electronic publishing as a good idea since the middle of
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the 1980s. Precious few people listened to them. Everyone was too
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busy making money and reading the Sharper Image catalog with one
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hand. Some of the visionaries gave up in disgust, while others kept
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plugging away.
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In the late 1980s, an oasis or two appeared in the electronic
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publishing (epub) desert. One such oasis was ModemNews Magazine,
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which eventually became the most popular BBS-based electronic
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magazine (emag) ever. ModemNews is still being published after five
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years, but its focus has shifted from being the definitive general
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interest emag on the boards. ModemNews now serves to highlight up
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and coming emags like RAH.
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This is an important development. Whole herds of people suddenly had
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the same idea, in the early 1990s, that Jake and the other pioneers
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had in the middle 1980s; namely, the concept of publishing magazines
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and books electronically. Frankly, much of what has been published
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electronically so far is trash. But more and more of it is not
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trash, or at least (like RAH) designer trash. The fact that Jeff
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Green, the editor of ModemNews, has decided that there are emags out
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there worth highlighting is encouraging news.
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Random Access Humor Page 2 November 1993
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But how far have we actually come in the past decade? No emag has
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established itself as a viable commercial entity. No electronic book
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has become a best seller. All that happened is that we moved from
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the lone pioneer phase (a.k.a. the Daniel Boone phase) to the wagon
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train stage. There are now significant numbers of people trying
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this, but it is still far from easy, or safe.
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Like the early pioneers, there are small pockets, or settlements, of
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epub people scattered throughout cyberspace. Because of (believe it
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or not) communications difficulties, the epub settlers rarely talk to
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others outside their own group. Much of the problem is due to lack
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of knowledge of other groups' existence. Another major part of the
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problem stems from technical incompatibilities between different
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factions (nets). Part of it is simply the verbally violent nature of
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much of cyberspace. Flame wars rage like the range wars of old.
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Very few of the parties involved are interested in taking prisoners.
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The major overriding problem, though, is one of perception. Many
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folks in the BBS epub arena seem to think that epub success will come
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from following the print publishing paradigm. Mere substitution of
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diskettes for books and magazines seems to be the goal of this group.
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The Digital Publishing Association started life as the Disktop
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Publishing Association. The main idea was to distribute epubs on
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diskette. In fact, the reason the name was changed was because some
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software company had trademarked the word "Disktop."
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Another one of those cyberspace epub settlements I have been watching
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through my spyglass lately seems to be a lot closer to getting it
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right. The Internet folks have been publishing emags since just
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after the third system hooked into the NSFNet backbone. Again, many
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of these emags are pure dreck, but a few are getting there. The real
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edge that Internet epubs enjoy is availability. An epub on an FTP
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server can be accessed by anyone on the planet with an Internet shell
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account. "FTP by Mail" servers extend that reach to anyone with an
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Internet e-mail account. New technology such as the "World Wide Web"
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will make hypertext epubs available online to users around the world.
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The for-pay BBS systems have run up the white flag and are connecting
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to the Internet in droves. As this wholesale conversion is completed
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we will see the Internet become the defacto standard for electronic
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communication. I am in the process of setting up a private UUCP site
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for RAH support on the Internet. Eventually the current one line BBS
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I run will be replaced by an Internet-connected multiline board. In
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short, it looks like the Internet's dominance will eventually solve
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most of the technical incompatibility problems now rampant in
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cyberspace. Like all communications advances, this will enable folks
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to insult and incite their fellows that much better and faster. What
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an achievement.
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Random Access Humor Page 3 November 1993
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There are those who claim that the mere act of running a networked
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message BBS constitutes electronic publication. This may indeed be
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the case, but that is ultimately something for the lawyers to decide.
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But networked conferences have given many people large audiences for
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their ideas. This has great implications for the future of both the
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technical sciences and social sciences.
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Governments worldwide are grappling with unprecedented levels of
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individual communication. The days of government officials and media
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moguls controlling how people of one country view the people of other
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countries are numbered. This has more than a few people running
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scared. Even now the U.S. government is attempting to make sure they
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will be able to tap into, and otherwise try to control, any and all
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future means of communications in this country.
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Only three things are actually certain at this point:
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1) Electronic publishing is here to stay. It will bring people
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closer together.
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2) The ultimately successful epub format will be completely unlike
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anything anyone currently expects or predicts.
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3) Some people will eventually get rich off of electronic publishing.
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My main goal in electronic publishing is to be one of those
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people.
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The complete changeover from publishing as we know it today to the
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electronically based publishing paradigm of tomorrow will not happen
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overnight. The only really sure thing is that it will be an
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interesting process to watch.
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- - -
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Southern California is well on its way to becoming extra crispy
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again. The residents of that state are regularly struck by earth-
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quakes, floods, mud slides, wild fires, locusts, plagues, the Manson
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family, humongous Japanese movie monsters, etc. Does anyone else get
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the impression that someone is trying to tell Californians something?
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Like maybe they should move to Idaho?
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- - -
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Greg Borek and I will be travelling to Las Vegas in early November.
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There we will render unto Caesar's that which is Caesar's, render
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unto Bally's that which is Bally's, render unto Harrah's that which
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is Harrah's, and so forth. {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Sound Byte:
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Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
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A: Make me one with everything.
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Random Access Humor Page 4 November 1993
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Lettuce to the Editor
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Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 12:17:03 +1000 (EST)
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From: spon@titanic.mpce.mq.edu.au
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To: dbealer@clark.net
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Subject: RAH
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David,
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just finished reading RAH 9305-9310. Enjoyed them enormously...
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I noticed an omission from the canonical list of canonical lists
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in RAH Sept 93 (p 14) - it didn't contain the canonical list
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of canonical lists (see RAH sept 93 (p 14)).
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Cheers,
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Tom McDermott
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- - - - - - - - -
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<insert witty reply here>
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Star Bored: Deep Node Naive
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by Dave Bealer
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"Node Commander's Log, board date 01-01-80..." The dashing, debonair
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commander did a double take. "Not again!" he exclaimed as he punched
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several buttons on the comm panel. A few of them actually worked.
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Sparks flew from the comm panel as a connection is finally made.
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"Crisko to Console, come in."
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"Console, Major Leera."
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"Major, why has our system date been reset again?" Crisko tried,
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unsuccessfully, to control the irritation in his voice.
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"Checking, sir." The sounds of beeps, honks and electronic zaps
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could be heard as the Bayshoran assistant sysop fiddled with the
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master console controls. "It appears that someone has reset the
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system. Reason unknown."
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"I'll be right up, Major. Get engineering and security on it right
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away."
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"Aye, sir. Leera out." The connection went dead with a final shower
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of sparks from Crisko's comm panel.
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"Damn," commented Crisko, to no one in particular. Before leaving
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his quarters, Crisko changed out of his favorite casual tutu and
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into his undress uniform.
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- - -
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"Report," ordered Crisko breathlessly as he arrived at the main
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console moments later. The escalator leading up from the Food Court
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was out of order - again. Hurrying, he bounded up the escalator
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stairs, an act made easier by his undress uniform, also known as
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'long johns.' The skirt of his dress uniform often made him trip
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when he had to run.
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Random Access Humor Page 5 November 1993
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"Sir, we're having trouble determining exactly what happened." Leera
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tugged nervously at the shoulder straps of her uniform bikini.
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"And why is that, major?" Crisko asked, slowly and irritably.
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"Someone erased the system log."
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"I see. Lt. Fax, system status?"
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The Whill lieutenant promptly and formally replied, "The System is
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back on line, sir. The clock has been reset and synchronized with
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the main Star Bored time beacon." Fax tried not to look guilty, and
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did a terrible job of it.
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Crisko wasn't fooled for a nanosecond. "And...?"
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Fax hesitated, nervously stroking the head of the whippoorwill which
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protruded from her left ear. As a child she had been irrevocably
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joined with the avian - which resembled the earth bird of the same
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name but was actually a highly intelligent being from a far-flung
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sector of the galaxy. Unfortunately the bird had been in a snit for
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several weeks, and refused to speak, except when Fax was trying to
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sleep, when it recited obscene limericks from a hundred planets at
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high volume.
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Crisko was growing more impatient by the picosecond. "And...?"
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Fax caved in. "We missed three subether packets while the system
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reset," she reported matter-of-factly.
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"Three!" Crisko exploded.
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Just then a pleasant bell tone filled the air, followed by an
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even more pleasant voice announcing, "Dr. Basher, report to Level 6,
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Ring 4. Dr. Haggis Basher."
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Crisko looked even more confused, as if that was possible. "Now
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what's going on?"
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"Someone must be hurt," Leera offered helpfully.
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"I just hope it's the creep who reset the system and erased the logs.
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Fax, initiate level one search procedures for those missing packets.
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I'll head down to level six and find out what else is going wrong."
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"Yes, Blend."
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Crisko paused in the midst of heading for the down escalator, and
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addressed Fax in a stage whisper. "Lieutenant, I thought we
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discussed your use of my first name in public?"
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"Yes, SIR!" Fax added sarcastically, feigning contrition. Even the
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whippoorwill was grinning, which isn't an easy thing to do through a
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beak.
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Random Access Humor Page 6 November 1993
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Crisko retreated down the broken escalator, grumbling to himself.
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- - -
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The commotion could be heard from 100 meters away. Crisko slowed as
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he entered ring four in an attempt to identify the voices he heard
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arguing. He quickly identified them as his Chief Medical Officer and
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his Chief of Cable Pulling.
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"Keep away from me with that thing, you bloody Highlands butcher!"
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"Come now Chief, it's for your own good."
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"I'll bet. Just keep away."
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Crisko hurried towards the sounds of the dueling Irish and Scotch
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brogues, silently thanking God that he wasn't English. He rounded a
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corner and found that Chief O'Hooligan had managed to weld his hand
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to the inside of a cable panel again. The red faced Chief was stuck
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in a crouching position, his hand inside the cable panel. Dr. Basher
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was standing over him, menacing him with one of his futuristic salt
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shakers.
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"What goes on here, gentlemen?" Crisko asked as he approached the
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crew members.
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"Sir," Chief O'Hooligan began, "I was laying some sub-ethernet cable
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when it shorted out and welded my hand to the door again."
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"And the clumsy oaf won't let me tend to the situation," Basher
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helpfully finished.
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"Clumsy? Ha! This wouldn't happen if I didn't have to wear this
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copper mesh suit when doing electrical work," insisted the Chief.
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Dr. Basher was sympathetic. "I know Chief, but rules are rules."
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Crisko interrupted, "weren't those new safety rules implemented by
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Admiral McCoot, the Chief of Star Bored Medicine?"
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"Aye, sir," confirmed Basher, "one of Star Bored Command's wisest and
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most experienced medical pioneers."
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"Baloney," opined Chief O'Hooligan. "That old crackpot should have
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been retired twenty years ago. He's senile, pure and simple."
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"Now, Chief," Crisko chided, "Star Bored command would never leave
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him in charge of Medical operations if he wasn't fit for command."
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"That's as may be, sir. But I'm not letting this stuffed shirt of a
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bagpipe squeezer touch me until he gets some proper medical
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instruments."
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Random Access Humor Page 7 November 1993
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"All right, Chief. Calm down." Crisko turned to Dr. Basher, "Doc,
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see if you can dig up something a little more medical than those
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silly looking salt and pepper shakers."
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"Aye, sir." Basher joined Crisko in leaving. "There's a new
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Magnetic Resonance Chainsaw up in Sickbay I've been dying to try
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out."
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"Saints preserve us," the Chief muttered as he renewed his frantic
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efforts at freeing himself.
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- - -
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The depressed node commander sat in the Food Court, idly stirring the
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Rastafarian Coffee he had purchased at the Bake Shop. Quoisant, the
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Meringuey baker and proprietor of that business, was trying to cheer
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him up. "Cheer up, Commander. There are plenty more packets where
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those came from. You know what subether echomail is like. They'll
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never miss a couple of messages."
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Crisko snorted. "Your don't know Star Bored Command. Those guys
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never miss a trick." He snorted again, because he liked the sound,
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and continued to stir the green globs floating in his coffee using
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the festive stirrer - replete with plastic dreadlocks.
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"You know best, Commander," agreed the diminutive baker, the lumps on
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his soft, sticky forehead wobbling as he spoke. "How about some
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HollowSweets? I just made a fresh batch today."
|
||
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"Shove off, Quoisant. I don't need your drugs."
|
||
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"Aw, Commander. You disappoint me. What're a few hallucinogens
|
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between friends?"
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Crisko ignored him. Quoisant realized he was wasting his time. He
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||
also recognized the peculiar scent that indicated his least favorite
|
||
person on the node was approaching. Without another word he wobbled
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back into his shop.
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Eventually even Crisko noticed the unmistakable smell that heralded
|
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the arrival of his Chief of Security. "What is it, Odor?" Crisko
|
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asked, holding his nose. He appeared to be addressing empty air.
|
||
In fact the air was far from empty. Not that there was anyone left
|
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in the Food Court to notice. They had all fled, covering their
|
||
various olfactory organs. A few of those with weak digestive systems
|
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failed to make it to the facilities in time.
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Finally a cloud formed in mid air and coalesced into a roughly
|
||
humanoid shape. Crisko stopped addressing empty air. "I thought I
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asked you not to enter the food court in gaseous form, Odor? We're
|
||
going to go over budget on janitorial services again this month."
|
||
|
||
"Take it out of my pay, Commander," rasped Odor. "Not that you ever
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pay me."
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Random Access Humor Page 8 November 1993
|
||
|
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"You know our accounting program hasn't been working for months now.
|
||
None of us have been getting paid," Crisko countered.
|
||
|
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"I know, Commander. That's why you have to keep shaking down the
|
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merchants here in the Food Court just to survive."
|
||
|
||
"I'm having a bad day, Odor. What do you want?" Crisko clipped a
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||
clothes pin on his nose so he could continue the conversation in
|
||
comfort.
|
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"Can I help it that methane is my natural state? Anyway, your day's
|
||
about to get worse. I just found out who's been resetting the system
|
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and why."
|
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Crisko suddenly snapped back to alertness. "Who is it?"
|
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||
Odor told him. Crisko blinked in disbelief. Then he dumped the rest
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of his coffee on the potted plant next to the table. As he and Odor
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headed for the escalators the plant began wilting.
|
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- - -
|
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||
Commander Crisko's voice was like thunder reverberating around the
|
||
small compartment. "What in the name of Hank Aaron were you
|
||
thinking?" His eyes drilled into the culprit standing before him.
|
||
|
||
Flake Crisko could not meet the gaze of his enraged father. How
|
||
could he explain the strange feelings that guided his actions? There
|
||
was no way.
|
||
|
||
"Resetting the entire node just to cover up the fact that you made
|
||
280,000 credits worth of subether calls to 1-900-ORION-SLAVE-GIRLS!
|
||
What were you thinking?" The enraged parental unit continued to
|
||
rant. "It would be cheaper to buy you an Orion slave girl!"
|
||
|
||
Flake looked hopefully at his father, naked teenaged lust burning in
|
||
his eyes.
|
||
|
||
"Forget it, mister! It isn't going to happen!"
|
||
|
||
Flake was crushed. He sighed dramatically and stared at the floor.
|
||
|
||
Suddenly the light of parental justice dawned in the eyes of the
|
||
frustrated commander. Star Bored Command may have child abuse regs,
|
||
but... "Get your catchers' mask, Flake. We're going to the
|
||
holodreck."
|
||
|
||
"Huh?" Flake was totally confused by this turn of events.
|
||
|
||
"Sure," Blend oozed his friendly father schtick. A disturbing change
|
||
from a moment ago. "A little exercise is just the thing to get your
|
||
mind off of Orion slave girls."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 9 November 1993
|
||
|
||
Flake hurried to comply, thinking that he was somehow, miraculously,
|
||
off the hook. As they prepared to leave, Flake asked, "Are you gonna
|
||
pitch, Dad?"
|
||
|
||
"Oh, no," said his father triumphantly. "You're going to catch a
|
||
double header. Nine innings from Nolan Ryan and nine from Phil
|
||
Niekro. All while wearing only your catcher's mask and an athletic
|
||
supporter."
|
||
|
||
"Sounds like I'm gonna 'catch it' alright," sighed the crestfallen
|
||
youth.
|
||
- - -
|
||
|
||
Later that evening, Flake had been confined to Sick bay with numerous
|
||
baseball shaped contusions. The boy was even too sore and exhausted
|
||
to make fun of Chief O'Hooligan, who was there having his hand re-
|
||
generated again. Blend was in his cabin finishing his subether
|
||
report to Star Bored Command. The screen pictured an aged, balding
|
||
human male. The caption beneath the picture read, in a HyperType
|
||
font, 'Admiral H. F. Mudd, Chief Sysop - Star Bored Control.'
|
||
|
||
"Well, try to be more careful with the packets in the future,
|
||
Blend," warned the figure on the screen. "Anything else to report?"
|
||
|
||
"Admiral, we're having trouble with our main node computer. It has
|
||
an inferiority complex because Majel Barrett isn't doing its voice."
|
||
|
||
"Come on, Blend! You know what a tight budget we're working under.
|
||
Look at you; we couldn't even afford a real Shakespearean actor to
|
||
lead the cast. Just keep the damned packets flowing, OK?"
|
||
|
||
"Yes sir," Crisko finally managed to mutter through clenched teeth.
|
||
"Crisko, out." He punched more buttons on his comm panel. The image
|
||
of the admiral faded as the lonely leader complained to himself. "I
|
||
wish just one officer on this show would remember that I have a rank
|
||
and a last name." {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
|
||
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
|
||
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
|
||
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
|
||
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
|
||
Internet: dbealer@clark.net
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Sound Byte:
|
||
|
||
Did you hear about the horny seminary school dropout?
|
||
|
||
He was looking for a missionary position.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 10 November 1993
|
||
|
||
Echoes From Hell
|
||
by John J. Downey
|
||
|
||
We here at IMNOTRIGHT (International Institute for Acronyms Not
|
||
Necessarily Relevant to Their Organizations) are well aware of the
|
||
need for up-to-the-millisecond updates on the information services
|
||
available. Now, as part of our "Preview" feature, we will sneak a
|
||
glimpse at the new FidoNet Echoes. Here are this month's entries:
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
NON_SEQUITUR
|
||
Msg. 125 To: Bob Grady From: Lyle Williams
|
||
Reply to: 322
|
||
|
||
BG> Try using a higher FILES setting in your CONFIG.SYS.
|
||
|
||
Yes, yes, I know all this. But what about the pizza? Green
|
||
peppers or mushrooms?
|
||
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
DEAD_POET
|
||
Msg. 245 To: Walt Whitman From: E. A. Poe
|
||
Reply to: 233
|
||
|
||
WW> EAP>
|
||
WW> EAP>
|
||
|
||
WW>
|
||
WW>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
NYC_ECHO (with automated Obscene-O-Clean Scanning [tm])
|
||
Msg. 7882 To: Vince Goomba From: Nick "The Fin" Gerrano
|
||
|
||
You'se some <CENSORED> <CENSORED> to think dat <CENSORED> Tony is
|
||
agreein' witchyou on dat topic. He's a <CENSORED> <CENSORED>
|
||
<CENSORED> wid a <CENSORED> <CENSORED> like I nevuh seen before.
|
||
You knows whad I'm talkin' 'bout?
|
||
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 11 November 1993
|
||
|
||
RADICAL_FEMINIST_HUMOR
|
||
Msg. 4 From: Lynn To: Chris
|
||
Reply to: 3
|
||
|
||
C> A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive womyn. Naturally,
|
||
C> being the oppressor that he is, he doesn't even care if she has
|
||
C> a mind. The pig. Anyway, he leans over to the bartender and
|
||
C> makes some crude sexist remark about her, hah hah. The
|
||
C> bartender, in accordance with the dogma, says something even
|
||
C> cruder. They chortle to themselves in a typical display of
|
||
C> tribal testosterone-induced stupidity. So the womyn pulls out
|
||
C> some mace and gets them both in the eyes. :-)
|
||
|
||
The womyn will now certainly fall into the hands of the male-
|
||
dominated legal system. I fail to see the humor in that.
|
||
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
NOT_CONTROVERSIAL
|
||
Msg. 566 From: Bob Hayward To: Sam Kriel
|
||
Reply to: 554
|
||
|
||
SK> and all. I also think that breaking into someone's house and
|
||
SK> robbing them blind is a bad thing.
|
||
|
||
Oh, I agree.
|
||
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
|
||
CHARADES_TOURNAMENT
|
||
Msg: 14304 From: Moderator To: Lyle Winston
|
||
Reply to: 12002
|
||
|
||
LW> Okay, how about...
|
||
LW> _______
|
||
LW> / | \
|
||
LW>| | |
|
||
LW>| *-- | + "A greeting"
|
||
LW>| |
|
||
LW> \_______/
|
||
|
||
Lyle is HEREBY DISQUALIFIED. The answer was "Three O'Clock High."
|
||
This makes 10,356 games disqualified now, folks. Can't anyone get
|
||
this right? This is Charades, remember? NO WORDS AND NO DRAWINGS.
|
||
|
||
* * *
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 12 November 1993
|
||
|
||
ECHO_ACCIDENTAL_CROSSLINK
|
||
Msg. 634 From: Moderator To: All
|
||
|
||
BG> Weasels make fine pets. Turpentine?
|
||
NTFG> Wha' the <CENSORED> are youse talkin' 'bout?
|
||
LW> Well, Mr. Moderator, what the heck am I SUPPOSED to do, then?
|
||
BH> Oh, I'll agree with that also.
|
||
C> Agree with WHAT? I don't find this pathetic game you're playing
|
||
C> humorous in any way.
|
||
VG> Yo! Is youse a <CENSORED> babe?
|
||
EAP>
|
||
LW> Huh? Well, yes, this IS a pathetic game!
|
||
LW> Turpentine won't bring out the luster as well as carrots.
|
||
BH> Should I agree with that?
|
||
L> Carrots? Humph! Typical phallic symbolism...
|
||
WW>
|
||
|
||
What is the HELL is going on here? {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
John J. Downey is the Sysop of Dome Ideas BBS (FidoNet 1:272/104)
|
||
in Yonkers, NY. He works in a big, round, dark room with a thingee
|
||
in the middle, and spends his off-hours whistling Pat Boone songs.
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Mental Pause
|
||
by Shirley Smith
|
||
|
||
I'm getting vain in my old age. They say you're only as old as you
|
||
feel. Well, I feel like I'm still 19, so why can't I look like it?
|
||
OK, you techno-wizards out there, invent a mirror that will do that
|
||
and you can rule the world. (Are you listening, Industrial Smoke and
|
||
Mirrors?)
|
||
|
||
Say, for instance, that you have a computerized mirror with a dial so
|
||
you have the option of looking any way you want. Hey, it works for
|
||
Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead (uh oh, I just dated myself). Some possible
|
||
selections could be: Hair -- anything but gray; Eyes -- non-
|
||
spectacled; Chin -- one, please; dress size -- 9...OK, OK, make it a
|
||
size 14. Just shut off those damned alarms. I hate a machine with
|
||
no sense of humor.
|
||
|
||
Anyway, if anyone ever comes up with such a mirror, I'll trade you my
|
||
personal recipe for an oat bran wrinkle cream and flea repellent for
|
||
one. I'll be at the Tuesday Weld Home for the Bewildered. Knock
|
||
loudly. {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Shirley Smith is a mainframe systems programmer who has the extreme
|
||
misfortune of working with the editor of this rag. She lives in the
|
||
wilderness of Northern Maryland with one husband and one dog.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 13 November 1993
|
||
|
||
The Big Aussie BBSCON '93
|
||
submitted by Chris Davidson (3:850/110)
|
||
|
||
He stood before it, a clapped out weatherboard house in downtown
|
||
Wooloomaloo.. the home of the Ferret, greatest Sysop in Australia
|
||
second to none, and here he was afraid to enter.
|
||
|
||
He had actually been here before to carry out repairs to the Ferret's
|
||
vast array of computer equipment, but the thought of entering this
|
||
place still filled him with dread..
|
||
|
||
'Jeeesus, Charlie, he muttered to himself, pull ya'self together and
|
||
get it over and done with, he is after all a human being... Though
|
||
somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind he still had these
|
||
niggling doubts.
|
||
|
||
Tentatively, he tried to follow the footpath across what used to be
|
||
the remnants of a front lawn, now about two feet high. He placed one
|
||
foot gingerly upon the top steps of the verandah and heard the
|
||
ominous creak and groan of timber that had not been subject to human
|
||
weight for some time.
|
||
|
||
He actually only fell through the rotted timber once, as he crossed
|
||
the short expanse of the verandah to the front door. He raised his
|
||
hand to knock when a disembodied voice emanated from the bowels of
|
||
the house, 'Come in it ain't bloody locked.'
|
||
|
||
The door protested violently as he pushed it inwards, it was very,
|
||
very dark! In fact it was like entering a very dark cave, at the end
|
||
of which he knew resided something that was reminiscent of something
|
||
out of Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings'.
|
||
|
||
Very quietly, he proceeded down a dank, dark passage towards what
|
||
appeared to be a door, from which emanated a strange greenish glow.
|
||
|
||
As he pushed open this door it protested more loudly than its
|
||
predecessor, as if to say 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here!'
|
||
|
||
He entered what must have at one time been a very large room, only
|
||
now its appearance was that it was a very small room, considering all
|
||
the computer equipment housed therein. The floor was littered with
|
||
cables of every description, along with copies of PC User, Aust PC
|
||
User and PC Review, some dating back to the early 70's.
|
||
|
||
Over in one corner, in front of a console sat the Ferret, madly
|
||
pounding at a keyboard.
|
||
|
||
'Whad'ya want?' asked the Ferret..
|
||
|
||
'I...I..errr, I came over to deliver a message from the local Zone
|
||
co-ord for ya ta attend a conference', came Charlie's response in a
|
||
not too comfortable voice.
|
||
|
||
'What sort of conference?' mumbled the Ferret.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 14 November 1993
|
||
|
||
'Well, ya see', Charlie went on, in the US they have these
|
||
conferences for sysops, an we sorta got ta thinkin that mibbe we
|
||
oughta have the same thing for all the Aussie sysops.'
|
||
|
||
'What ya mean all 900 hundred of us,.. ya tryin ta start a brawl or
|
||
sumpin?
|
||
|
||
'Nah, nuthin like that, more like a sort of piss-up so we can all get
|
||
ta know each other', he replied.
|
||
|
||
'It'll still end up in a brawl' muttered the Ferret. 'I remember the
|
||
last local meetin we had, by 7:00pm we wuz all goin for each others
|
||
throats, all over who had the best board'.
|
||
|
||
'Well this is different', Charlie said in a voice filled with
|
||
conviction.
|
||
|
||
'So what have I gotta do'?
|
||
|
||
A bit of flattery wouldn't go astray thought Charlie. 'Well, we sorta
|
||
thought seein as how ya know so much about BBSing an stuff, ya might
|
||
wanta act as the chairman.'
|
||
|
||
'Me! Me, be chairman for a bunch a drongo's who can't tell their
|
||
arses from their elbows, they want me as chairman?'
|
||
|
||
'Yes!' came the reply, though now it wasn't so enthusiastic as it had
|
||
been during the council meeting when the idea had first been mooted.
|
||
|
||
'What have I gotta do?
|
||
|
||
'Well, nuthin really, just sorta open the conference, say a few words
|
||
about the Aussie BBS scene and where ya reckon it's headin'..'
|
||
|
||
'Grab a cup a coffee an fill me in,' said the ferret indicating what
|
||
used to be a stainless steel sink.
|
||
|
||
Charlie approached the sink and surveyed the damage, empty Pizza Hut
|
||
cartons, six packs of Tooheys dark lager, the odd brightly covered
|
||
carton from KFC filled with rotting chicken bones littered the place,
|
||
it actually looked like the Sydney dump.
|
||
|
||
He reached out his hand to grab a coffee cup from amongst the refuse
|
||
only to snatch it back again as a pair of feelers, heaved themselves
|
||
into view over its rim. Charlie eyed the cockroach and it eyed him,
|
||
waving its feelers angrily about as if to say, 'sod off can't ya
|
||
read, 'NO HAWKERS ALLOWED'.
|
||
|
||
He decided to skip the offer of coffee and get on with the business
|
||
at hand.
|
||
|
||
'Y'gotta come mate!, we'd be lost without ya.'
|
||
|
||
'Okay, Okay what have I gotta do?' came the response.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 15 November 1993
|
||
|
||
'Well your going to have ta have a bath and get a suit,' he said
|
||
while looking for somewhere to hide.
|
||
|
||
'A bath, yer want me to have a bath do yez,' came the response. 'I
|
||
suppose this is this some sorta lardy dah do yer all got in mind down
|
||
at the local."
|
||
|
||
'Actually no!, its being held at the Sydney Convention centre next to
|
||
the Travelodge Hotel. It's all inclusive!'
|
||
|
||
'Oooher!, well I'll be blowed the Travelodge, isn't that where they
|
||
tried to blow up the Prime Minister durin the early '80's. I suppose
|
||
I could attend as a sort of status symbol.' A suit, now where the
|
||
hell do I get one of those....' the voice drifted off as its owner
|
||
envisaged a scene of blackties 'n' tails...
|
||
|
||
'Ahhh, coupla more questions if yez don't mind', said the Ferret
|
||
slyly. 'Who's attendin this shindig an when is it.?
|
||
|
||
'Well theres Robbo, an Trev an a whole lot of other blokes and
|
||
sheilas from all over Australia comin an its on the 23rd of August.'
|
||
|
||
'Sheilas, no sheila I ever knew operated a BBS, they ain't got the
|
||
brains.. came the retort'.
|
||
|
||
'Well Trev reckons there are some very interestin sheilas comin.'
|
||
|
||
'Yeah, well we'll see, okay count me in.'
|
||
|
||
Come the 23rd, the foyer of the hotel was packed, sysops had come
|
||
from near and far to attend this first ever occasion. And pride of
|
||
place was taken by the Ferret resplendent in a suit rented from the
|
||
local theatrical suppliers.
|
||
|
||
Trev was suitably impressed, 'You did a good job gettin him here' he
|
||
said, pointing at the Ferret and clapping a friendly hand on
|
||
Charlie's shoulder.
|
||
|
||
Charlie was also impressed, he had never seen the Ferret in daylight
|
||
and the revelation of this doyen of the BBS's was incredible. That
|
||
this small skinny man with glasses that looked like they had been cut
|
||
from the end of milk bottles was the guru of all the bbs's was
|
||
incredible, Christ he looked just like what he imagined Golom from
|
||
Lord of the Rings might look like.
|
||
|
||
At this present moment, Golom was in a very animated discussion with
|
||
a mousy looking female, he looked extremely pleased with himself.
|
||
|
||
'Jeeesus, mate I hope ya crack it,' he thought to himself. He was
|
||
not... that far from reality....
|
||
|
||
The Ferret was enjoying himself, he had actually met a sheila who
|
||
knew something about computers, an modems, an data transfers, an the
|
||
INTERNET. He was on top of the world, this was his type of woman!
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 16 November 1993
|
||
|
||
As the night wore on, and kindred spirits found each other, the
|
||
Ferret and his lady friend became more intoxicated. Eventually they
|
||
found their way to the Ferret's room where they pledged their undying
|
||
love for each other, and the lady, already heady from so much booze
|
||
and BBSing bonhommie, cast her fate to the winds and promptly
|
||
collapsed onto the bed.
|
||
|
||
Somewhere in the dark recesses of the Ferrets brain, the primal
|
||
desire for procreation raised its rather besotted head...and he
|
||
stared at the fallen figure before him.. Now what was it he was
|
||
supposed to do?
|
||
|
||
Oh yeah, if the act of consummation was to take place then he would
|
||
have to remove the ladies clothing....
|
||
|
||
The top part was easy, couple of buttons and the blouse came off in
|
||
his hands. The bra was altogether different though..'Christ, why
|
||
can't hey issue these things with a users manual he muttered
|
||
drunkenly.'
|
||
|
||
Finally the offending catch broke and the lady's breast burst free,
|
||
like a couple of kids having just realized that school was over for
|
||
the day.
|
||
|
||
'God!' was the only explanation that came to his mind at that moment.
|
||
|
||
Next, he tackled the skirt and as it came away in his hands he saw a
|
||
sight that impressed him no end.. The lady had an artificial leg....!
|
||
|
||
It wasn't the fact that the leg was artificial that got him so much,
|
||
as the type of leg it was. This was a something that you only saw in
|
||
the Six Million Dollar Man TV series.....this was...a bionic leg!
|
||
|
||
Gently he removed the leg from the woman's lower torso, this was a
|
||
marvel of human engineering and computer technology. Its shape and
|
||
texture was so incredible it looked for all intents and purposes like
|
||
a real leg...
|
||
|
||
As he fondled the leg, shifting it this way and that so that he could
|
||
get more light on it, he noticed inside the stump cavity, a small
|
||
black button.
|
||
|
||
'Wonder what this is for'? he thought. Moving to the centre of the
|
||
room where the light was better he gently pressed the black button.
|
||
|
||
A quiet hum emanated from the leg, then suddenly it burst apart
|
||
showering parts of itself around the room.
|
||
|
||
'Bloody hell!,' screamed the Ferret.
|
||
|
||
Right at that moment the damsel on the bed started to stir...
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 17 November 1993
|
||
|
||
The Ferret scrambled madly around the room picking up pieces of the
|
||
leg and tried to assemble it back together.. Nothing worked, nothing
|
||
seemed to fit! And the body on the bed was becoming more and more
|
||
restless...!
|
||
|
||
The Ferret panicked and raced out of the room into the hotel corridor
|
||
where he collided with a very drunk Charlie.
|
||
|
||
'Charlie, Charlie, ya gotta help me,' he cried.
|
||
|
||
'Wha, whasamatter?,' slurred Charlie.
|
||
|
||
'I gotta woman in me room an I got one of her legs apart an I can't
|
||
get it back together,' screamed a now very hysterical Ferret.
|
||
|
||
'Listen mate! You don't know what trouble is,' Charlie sneered.
|
||
'I got a woman in my room with both legs apart an I can't even
|
||
remember the flamin room number!' {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Comedy and Computing
|
||
by Muffy Mandel
|
||
|
||
Computers have been around for about fifty years, although they have
|
||
only been common for the past ten years. Comedy has been around
|
||
since about five minutes after man learned to communicate via the
|
||
spoken word. But until quite recently humor and comedy were
|
||
strangers to computing.
|
||
|
||
This is not to say that programmers, engineers and operators weren't
|
||
telling jokes about their computers and the programs that ran on
|
||
them all this time. The problem was that most of the jokes were
|
||
pretty lame. In almost every case you had to be there to appreciate
|
||
the joke. Professional comics call these "inside jokes."
|
||
|
||
During the past two years more and more professional comics and
|
||
humorists have been turning their attentions to computers and the
|
||
folks who work with them. The February 1992 issue of _ModemNews
|
||
Magazine_ featured an article by Pulitzer Prize winning humorist Dave
|
||
Barry. Beginning in June 1993, certain issues of the print magazine
|
||
_Windows User_ have featured computer humor articles by renown comic
|
||
Charles Fleischer. Fleischer is best known as the voice of cartoon
|
||
star Roger Rabbit.
|
||
|
||
Perhaps the least known attempt at bringing a little levity to
|
||
computing is the series of books released by Integrated Insults
|
||
Press, a division of Vaporware Communications. This series began
|
||
last summer with the popular tome, _DOS for Drooling Dolts_. Ghost
|
||
written by veteran standup curmudgeon Don Rickles, the series
|
||
continued with such classics as, _Autocad for Airheads_, _Windows for
|
||
Wimps_, _Harvard Graphics for Hockey Pucks_ and _Paradox for Pathetic
|
||
Putzes_. The next volume, _Modeming for Mental Midgets_, is slated
|
||
for publication in December 1993.
|
||
|
||
Given the continuing popularity of computers, the future should see
|
||
many more professional humorists jumping on the high-tech humor
|
||
bandwagon. {RAH}
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 18 November 1993
|
||
|
||
The 1993 Ig Nobel Prize Winners
|
||
|
||
The winners of the 1993 Ig Nobel Prizes were announced
|
||
in a ceremony held at MIT in Cambridge, MA on October 7, 1993.
|
||
The Prizes honor individuals whose achievements cannot or
|
||
should not be reproduced. The ceremony was produced, as usual,
|
||
by The Journal of Irreproducible Results and The MIT Museum.
|
||
|
||
Eleven Ig Nobel Prizes were given this year. The winners
|
||
come from 16 different countries: Australia; Belgium;
|
||
Canada; England; France; Germany; Ireland; Israel;
|
||
Luxembourg; the Netherlands; New Zealand; the Philippines;
|
||
Poland; Spain; Switzerland; and the United States.
|
||
|
||
A number of dignitaries shared the podium at the ceremony,
|
||
including Nobel Laureates William Lipscomb (Chemistry,
|
||
1976), and Sheldon Glashow (Physics, 1979); Professor
|
||
emeritus Russell Johnson of Gilligan's Island; "Einstein's
|
||
Dream" author Alan Lightman; Root canal therapy expert
|
||
Philip Molloy of Tufts University Dental School, MIT
|
||
economist Paul Krugman, and jazz harpist Deborah Henson-
|
||
Conant.
|
||
|
||
The new winners:
|
||
|
||
PSYCHOLOGY
|
||
John Mack of Harvard Medical School and David Jacobs of
|
||
Temple University, mental visionaries, for their leaping
|
||
conclusion that people who believe they were kidnapped by
|
||
aliens from outer space, probably were -- and especially for
|
||
their conclusion that, in Professor Jacobs's words, "the
|
||
focus of the abduction is the production of children."
|
||
[Both Mack and Jacobs have written and spoken extensively on
|
||
the subject. A good introduction is the book "Secret Life,"
|
||
by David Jacobs with an introduction by John Mack, Simon and
|
||
Schuster, New York, 1992.]
|
||
|
||
CONSUMER ENGINEERING
|
||
Ron Popeil, incessant inventor and perpetual pitchman of
|
||
late night television, for redefining the industrial
|
||
revolution with such devices as the Veg-O-Matic, the Pocket
|
||
Fisherman, the Cap Snaffler, Mr. Microphone, and the Inside-
|
||
the-Shell Egg Scrambler.
|
||
|
||
BIOLOGY
|
||
Paul Williams, Jr. of the Oregon State Health Division and
|
||
Kenneth W. Newell of the Liverpool School of Tropical
|
||
Medicine, bold biological detectives, for their pioneering
|
||
study, "Salmonella Excretion in Joy-Riding Pigs." [The
|
||
study was published in "The American Journal of Public
|
||
Health," vol. 60, no. 5, May, 1970. Kenneth Newell died in
|
||
March, 1990.]
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 19 November 1993
|
||
|
||
ECONOMICS
|
||
Ravi Batra of Southern Methodist University, shrewd
|
||
economist and best-selling author of "The Great Depression
|
||
of 1990" ($17.95) and "Surviving the Great Depression of
|
||
1990" ($18.95), for selling enough copies of his books to
|
||
single-handedly prevent worldwide economic collapse.
|
||
|
||
PEACE
|
||
The Pepsi-Cola Company of the Phillipines, suppliers of
|
||
sugary hopes and dreams, for sponsoring a contest to create
|
||
a millionaire, and then announcing the wrong winning number,
|
||
thereby inciting and uniting 800,000 riotously expectant
|
||
winners, and bringing many warring factions together for the
|
||
first time in their nation's history.
|
||
|
||
VISIONARY TECHNOLOGY
|
||
Presented jointly to Jay Schiffman of Farmington Hills,
|
||
Michigan, crack inventor of AutoVision, an image projection
|
||
device that makes it possible to drive a car and watch
|
||
television at the same time, and to the Michigan state
|
||
legislature, for making it legal to do so.
|
||
[Michigan House Bill 4530, Public Act #55 was signed into law
|
||
by the Governor on June 6, 1991.]
|
||
|
||
CHEMISTRY
|
||
James Campbell and Gaines Campbell of Lookout Mountain,
|
||
Tennessee, dedicated deliverers of fragrance, for inventing
|
||
scent strips, the odious method by which perfume is applied
|
||
to magazine pages.
|
||
[Additional historical information about
|
||
the invention of scent strips can be obtained from the
|
||
Campbells' former colleague, Ronald Versic, President of the
|
||
Ronald P. Dodge Company in Dayton, OH.]
|
||
|
||
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
|
||
At the specific request of author #48 of the SLD high energy
|
||
physics research group, the 1993 Ig Nobel Literature Prize
|
||
is NOT being awarded to him and his 405 co-authors for their
|
||
research paper, "First Measurement of the Left-Right Cross
|
||
Section Asymmetry in Z Boson Production by e+ e- Collisions,"
|
||
Physical Review Letters, volume 70, number 17, April 26, 1993.
|
||
|
||
LITERATURE
|
||
Awarded jointly to E. Topol, R. Califf, F. Van de Werf, P.
|
||
W. Armstrong, and their 972 co-authors, for publishing a
|
||
medical research paper which has one hundred times as many
|
||
authors as pages.
|
||
[Source "An International Ramdomized Trial Comparing Four
|
||
Thrombolytic Strategies for Acute Myocardial Infarction,"
|
||
The New England Journal of Medicine, volume 329, number 10,
|
||
September 2, 1993, pages 673-682. The co-authors come from
|
||
15 different nations: Australia; Belgium; Canada; England;
|
||
France; Germany; Ireland; Israel; Luxembourg; the
|
||
Netherlands; New Zealand; Poland; Spain; Switzerland; and
|
||
the United States.]
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 20 November 1993
|
||
|
||
MATHEMATICS
|
||
Robert Faid of Greenville, South Carolina, farsighted and
|
||
faithful seer of statistics, for calculating the exact odds
|
||
(8,606,091,751,882:1) that Mikhail Gorbachev is the
|
||
Antichrist.
|
||
[Faid's complete calculation is contained in the book
|
||
"Gorbachev! Has the Real Antichrist Come?" published by
|
||
Victory House, Tulsa, Oklahoma. The pertinent section of the
|
||
book was reprinted in the January, 1989 issue of Harper's
|
||
Magazine.]
|
||
|
||
PHYSICS
|
||
Louis Kervran of France, ardent admirer of alchemy, for his
|
||
conclusion that the calcium in chickens' eggshells is
|
||
created by a process of cold fusion. [For an English
|
||
language version of Kervran's research see the book
|
||
"Biological Transmutations, and their applications in
|
||
chemistry, physics, biology, ecology, medicine, nutrition,
|
||
agriculture, geology," by Louis Kervran, Swan House
|
||
Publishing Co., 1972.]
|
||
|
||
MEDICINE
|
||
James F. Nolan, Thomas J. Stillwell, and John P. Sands, Jr.,
|
||
medical men of mercy, for their painstaking research report,
|
||
"Acute Management of the Zipper-Entrapped Penis." [Nolan is
|
||
Associate in Urology at the Guthrie Clinic in Sayre, PA.
|
||
Stillwell is in private practice at North Urology, Ltd., in
|
||
Robbinsdale, MN. Sands is Chairman of the Department of
|
||
Urology, Naval Hospital, San Diego, CA. Their report was
|
||
published in "The Journal of Emergency Medicine," vol. 8,
|
||
1990.]
|
||
|
||
Press contacts for more information:
|
||
Kathleen Thurston-Lighty, Assistant Director
|
||
MIT Museum, 265 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA 02139
|
||
(617) 253-4422 ktl@mitvma.mit.edu
|
||
|
||
Marc Abrahams, Editor
|
||
The Journal of Irreproducible Results, P.O. Box 380853,
|
||
Cambridge, MA 02238 (617) 491-4437 jir@athena.mit.edu
|
||
|
||
To subscribe to The Journal of Irreproducible Results:
|
||
JIR, P.O. Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238
|
||
(800) 759-6102 of (617) 876-7000 {RAH}
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 21 November 1993
|
||
|
||
Frump Enterprises Presents
|
||
|
||
Wedding Belle
|
||
|
||
The Most Tasteful Wedding Chapels in Nevada
|
||
|
||
5 locations to serve you
|
||
|
||
Boulder City
|
||
|
||
* at Hoover Dam
|
||
- optional on lake or underwater services
|
||
- get married on or inside the dam itself
|
||
|
||
Lake Tahoe
|
||
|
||
* at The Frump Colossus
|
||
- optional on lake or underwater services
|
||
- sail through service available
|
||
- optional performance by the Frumpies at your ceremony
|
||
|
||
Las Vegas
|
||
|
||
* at Circus-Circus
|
||
- you are married by a clown
|
||
- water squirting boutonnieres
|
||
- special RV park rates for your honeymoon
|
||
|
||
* at The Frump Pyramid
|
||
- Ancient Egyptian motif
|
||
- drive through service available
|
||
- optional performance by the Frumpies at your ceremony
|
||
|
||
Stateline
|
||
|
||
* at Whiskey Pete's
|
||
- optional "on the monorail" services
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
The Twit Filter: The Rules Lawyer
|
||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Human beings value the concept of personal freedom. At the same
|
||
time, most of us recognize the need for some rules and regulations to
|
||
keep others from infringing on our freedoms. Many of these rules
|
||
embody the principle of "common sense." Rational people don't need
|
||
to check the specific State or Federal statutes to see if murder,
|
||
rape or robbery are allowed. We know automatically that they are
|
||
not.
|
||
|
||
Some rules and laws adopted by governments and organizations can't
|
||
be explained by "common sense," or any rational measure. Since the
|
||
average person cannot anticipate these rules, and will not commit to
|
||
the study of the rules necessary to become aware of them all, they
|
||
remain blissfully ignorant of these rules/laws. Ignorance may be
|
||
bliss, especially in this case, at least until a rules lawyer comes
|
||
along and causes trouble.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 22 November 1993
|
||
|
||
We all know that ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it,
|
||
but even professional law enforcement types will steer clear of
|
||
trying to enforce the sillier laws; at least until a rules lawyer
|
||
comes along.
|
||
|
||
The rules lawyer takes great delight in studying every wrinkle and
|
||
nuance of the laws of an area or the bylaws of an organization. The
|
||
goal is always the same, to use said laws/rules to his own advantage.
|
||
Whether it be financial gain or power, the rules lawyer is always
|
||
after something.
|
||
|
||
Borrowed from role playing games, the concept of the rules lawyer
|
||
transfers easily to the online world. Rules are necessary to avoid
|
||
total online anarchy, although you can easily find people who will
|
||
tell you that is exactly what we have. Avoid these folks, they are
|
||
probably frustrated rules lawyers. There are hundreds of networks
|
||
and thousands of online systems out there in cyberspace. Most of
|
||
them have rules, ranging from two or three sentences that say, in
|
||
essence, "try to work and play well with others," to dozens of pages
|
||
of legalese. Very few of these sets of rules have actually been
|
||
created by legal professionals. The longer the set of rules, the
|
||
greater the chance that something silly has been incorporated.
|
||
|
||
Frustrated rules lawyers, the ones who finally figured out that they
|
||
weren't going to get the money or power they desired, despite all
|
||
those years of poring over the rules, eventually settle for making
|
||
the folks they perceive as having the desired power and wealth look
|
||
silly. They also try to make as many other members of the society or
|
||
organization miserable as is within their power. They accomplish
|
||
these feats by invoking, or hiding behind, the most ridiculous rules
|
||
they can find. The only thing more difficult that dealing with rules
|
||
lawyers is actually trying to eliminate or modify the silly laws or
|
||
rules that gave these sickos their power in the first place. {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Sound Byte:
|
||
|
||
Q: Which one doesn't belong: Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, Bosnia
|
||
|
||
A: Jupiter. It alone has a gaseous surface. All others are
|
||
cratered wastelands completely inhospitable to life.
|
||
|
||
(contributed by Mark Kaplinsky of New York, NY.)
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 23 November 1993
|
||
|
||
A Sysop's Phone Bill
|
||
|
||
!---!
|
||
! * ! Central Bell CURRENT BILLING: October 1993
|
||
!---!
|
||
|
||
|
||
BASIC SERVICE..............................................123.35
|
||
____________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
ACCESS TO INTERSTATE LONG DISTANCE .........................22.95
|
||
ACCESS TO INTRASTATE LONG DISTANCE .........................20.95
|
||
ACCESS TO ANY PHONE MORE THAN 3 BLOCKS AWAY ................19.28
|
||
ACCESS TO YOUR DIAL TONE ...................................13.66
|
||
____________________________________________________________________
|
||
!
|
||
DO YOU OWN ! NO: MONTHLY EQUIPMENT RENTAL ..............36.25
|
||
YOUR PHONE? ! x YES: COMPENSATION FOR INCOME LOST
|
||
! TO PEOPLE OWNING THEIR PHONE ..........36.25
|
||
______________!_____________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
TELEPHONE BOOK SURCHARGE @ .002 PER NAME IN THE BOOK .......21.37
|
||
LISTING YOUR OWN NAME IN THE PHONE BOOK .....................5.20
|
||
LISTING YOUR OWN NAME IN THE PHONE BOOK CORRECTLY ..........10.40
|
||
PHONE CORD FEE @ $1/FOOT ...................................14.00
|
||
FEE FOR THE DIGITS ON THE TELEPHONE
|
||
($1 FOR #1, $2 FOR #2, ETC) ............................45.00
|
||
____________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
DIRECTORY ASSISTANCE @ $9/EA PLUS
|
||
$7/EA FOR DISTURBING THE OPERATORS ......................32.00
|
||
SURCHARGE FOR THE RINGING OF YOUR
|
||
PHONE ON EACH CALL @ 20c/RING ...........................23.60
|
||
SURCHARGE TO DEFRAY COSTS OF APPLYING
|
||
TO THE PUC FOR NEW RATE HIKES ...........................14.88
|
||
OOPS! ALMOST FORGOT/CHARGES FOR
|
||
THE PHONE CALLS THEMSELVES .............................242.96
|
||
|
||
____________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
TOTAL CHARGES DUE ........653.13
|
||
____________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
|
||
THANK YOU FOR DOING BUSINESS WITH US...
|
||
BUT THEN WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE? {RAH}
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
RAH Needs A Logo!
|
||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
OK, your fearless editor has finally made a decision. Random Access
|
||
Humor needs a logo. It would be a simple, although expensive, matter
|
||
to hire a graphics designer to create one. It would be much more fun
|
||
to have a logo design contest. This will allow the RAH readership to
|
||
get involved, and maybe even win some prizes.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 24 November 1993
|
||
|
||
Unfortunately some limitations are necessary. The following are the
|
||
rules:
|
||
|
||
1) RAH is an ASCII Text magazine, so the logo must be able to be
|
||
drawn with the basic 128 ASCII characters. No IBM-PC "high
|
||
ASCII" characters are allowed. This excludes all the fancy box
|
||
drawing characters included in the MS-DOS character set. (Hey,
|
||
nobody said this was going to be easy.)
|
||
|
||
2) A compact logo is preferred, but a larger one will be accepted if
|
||
it really impresses us. The logo must not exceed the following
|
||
dimensions: 60 characters wide x 10 lines high
|
||
|
||
3) It would be preferable if the logo was funny, but we will settle
|
||
for a logo that expresses RAH's commitment to help make the world
|
||
a better place for all personkind and... (Oops, sorry! I lapsed
|
||
into my acceptance speech for the "Miss America" Pageant.)
|
||
|
||
4) All entries become the property of Dave Bealer. If you don't
|
||
like it, fine. Vinnie has a new set of brass knuckles he's just
|
||
dying to try out.
|
||
|
||
5) Entries must be submitted electronically. You can e-mail your
|
||
logos to one of the following addresses:
|
||
FidoNet> Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129
|
||
Internet> dbealer@clark.net
|
||
The message title should indicate that it contains an entry
|
||
for the RAH Logo Design Contest. If absolutely necessary, you
|
||
can mail an MS-DOS formatted diskette containing your entry to:
|
||
RAH Logo Design Contest, P.O. Box 595, Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
|
||
Each entry must include a completed copy of the RAH Logo Design
|
||
Contest entry form provided with this issue of RAH. Entries
|
||
cannot be returned or acknowledged.
|
||
|
||
6) The contest will be judged by the RAH Publisher, Dave Bealer.
|
||
His decisions in this contest will be final. (Why not, he's
|
||
paying for the prizes out of his own pocket. What a weirdo!
|
||
Notice how he even uses the royal "We" in this article.)
|
||
|
||
7) Entries will be accepted from October 1, 1993 until November 30,
|
||
1993. Entries must be received by 11:59 PM Eastern Standard Time
|
||
on 11/30/93 to be eligible.
|
||
|
||
8) Void where prohibited by law. (Why anyone would prohibit it is
|
||
beyond me. Go figure people.)
|
||
|
||
Prizes:
|
||
|
||
Grand Prize - Winner's Choice of $200 (US funds) or an external
|
||
14400 V.32bis FAX/Modem from a major U.S. vendor.
|
||
Awarded to the designer of the logo chosen to
|
||
represent Random Access Humor. (A winner from
|
||
outside the U.S. or Canada may have to take the money
|
||
because of enlightened U.S. technology export laws.)
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 25 November 1993
|
||
|
||
- The name of the winning designer will be listed in
|
||
the masthead of RAH (at least until the publisher
|
||
gets tired of seeing it there.)
|
||
|
||
Honorable - At least five logos (and as many as the miserly
|
||
Mention publisher decides to spring for) will earn their
|
||
designer a free copy of the sure-to-be-award-winning
|
||
electronic book, _RAH Material: The Best of Random
|
||
Access Humor, Vol. 0_.
|
||
|
||
Winners will be announced in the January 1994 issue of RAH. The new
|
||
logo will make its debut in that issue, as well. {RAH}
|
||
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
||
RAH Logo Design Contest Entry Form
|
||
|
||
I, _________________________________, being of unsound mind, wish to
|
||
|
||
enter the Random Access Humor Logo Design Contest.
|
||
|
||
Address: ___________________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
City: ________________________________ State/Prov: _________________
|
||
|
||
Postal/Zip Code: ______________________ Country: ___________________
|
||
|
||
Electronic Address: ________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
In the extremely unlikely event that my logo is the winner, I would
|
||
|
||
prefer the (Check one only): Cash ____ Modem ____
|
||
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
||
Announcements and Observations
|
||
|
||
Vaporware Corporation proudly announces its continued leadership in
|
||
online publishing technology. You've heard of plain ASCII text and
|
||
you've heard of hypertext. Now the wizards at Industrial Smoke and
|
||
Mirrors Laboratories have come up with the first "scratch and sniff"
|
||
protocol for electronic documents. A prototype follows:
|
||
|
||
___
|
||
___....-----'---`-----....___
|
||
=========================================
|
||
___`---..._______...---'___
|
||
(___) _|_|_|_ (___)
|
||
\\____.-'_.---._`-.____//
|
||
`~~~~`.__`---'__.'~~~~'
|
||
~~~~~
|
||
|
||
Instructions for use: take a hammer (a sledge hammer or carpenter's
|
||
hammer will do) and firmly strike the CRT of your terminal/PC where
|
||
it displays the prototype picture. As you pick pieces of glass out
|
||
of your face and arms, you will note the smell of burning electrical
|
||
components. This is an accurate reproduction of the smells that
|
||
occur when a planet-sized hammer strikes a Galaxy class starship.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 26 November 1993
|
||
|
||
[All right, so this is "bash and sniff" technology, not "scratch and
|
||
sniff" as we promised. Give us a break, this is just a prototype.
|
||
We're working on it. - KPHH] WARNING: this is a prototype, and
|
||
should only be used by qualified electricians. Vaporware Corp. and
|
||
the Editor/Publisher of RAH assume no responsibility for any use or
|
||
misuse of this new protocol.
|
||
- - -
|
||
The deadline for submissions for the December issue of RAH is
|
||
November 24, 1993. {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets
|
||
|
||
If a fish falls out of the sky, is it an act of cod?
|
||
|
||
I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
|
||
|
||
I'm not young enough to know it ALL, like some people.
|
||
|
||
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
|
||
|
||
Next on Geraldo of Borg: brothers who assimilate sisters.
|
||
|
||
I am Bjorn of Borg. Wimbledon is irrelevant.
|
||
|
||
I am Koresh of Borg. Prepare to be immolated.
|
||
|
||
I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be.
|
||
|
||
I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated.
|
||
|
||
That guy Ibid, he thinks he knows everything.
|
||
|
||
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.
|
||
|
||
Conservative (n): Liberal who has been mugged.
|
||
|
||
668 - Neighbor of the Beast.
|
||
|
||
333 - Eric the half a beast.
|
||
|
||
If his mind was a book the pages would be stapled shut.
|
||
|
||
Fanaticism: redoubling your effort when your aim is forgotten.
|
||
|
||
Honk if you haven't slept with Commander Riker.
|
||
|
||
EXXON: greasing the coastline for smoother boating!
|
||
|
||
Booze and math don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
|
||
|
||
...only the toner has been changed, to protect the printer.
|
||
|
||
I like work. I can sit and look at it for hours.
|
||
|
||
You can't fight City Hall. But you can burn it down.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 27 November 1993
|
||
|
||
AT&T Subspace: The next best thing to beaming there.
|
||
|
||
Jesus saves, and only takes half damage.
|
||
|
||
I bought some powdered water. What do I add?
|
||
|
||
No sense being pessimistic, it wouldn't work anyway.
|
||
|
||
Firmware: hardware that's starting to melt.
|
||
|
||
To fix a fried modem: sautee some onion in olive oil...
|
||
|
||
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
|
||
|
||
What do you mean my birth certificate expired?
|
||
|
||
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
|
||
|
||
Incorrigible punster - do not incorrige.
|
||
|
||
640K = 4480K in dog bytes.
|
||
|
||
The truth is, Columbus discovered Ohio.
|
||
|
||
I'm standing - and I can't fall down!
|
||
|
||
100% of people who breathe die.
|
||
|
||
America's favorite whine: "It's not my fault!"
|
||
|
||
I'll bet I don't have a gambling problem.
|
||
|
||
Politicians always lie when their lips move.
|
||
|
||
Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice - in the leather box.
|
||
|
||
Modem addicts - call 1-900-BBS-USER (voice) for help.
|
||
|
||
Power users - call 1-900-PENTIUM for a real thrill.
|
||
|
||
Remember when explorers where politically correct?
|
||
|
||
I don't care if I AM a lemming, I'm still not going!
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-1 November 1993
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Masthead:
|
||
|
||
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Non-Contributing Editors: Greg Borek, Rob Novak, Ray Koziel
|
||
|
||
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
|
||
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
|
||
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
|
||
Internet: dbealer@clark.net
|
||
|
||
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
|
||
Random Access Humor
|
||
c/o Dave Bealer
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
|
||
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
|
||
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
|
||
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
|
||
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
|
||
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
|
||
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and
|
||
are not necessarily those of the publisher.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights
|
||
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
|
||
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette,
|
||
CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written
|
||
permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the
|
||
publisher.
|
||
|
||
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
|
||
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
|
||
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
|
||
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
|
||
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
|
||
in combination with any other publication or product.
|
||
|
||
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
|
||
their respective owners.
|
||
|
||
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
|
||
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
|
||
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
|
||
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
|
||
Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from :
|
||
etext.archive.umich.edu Dir: pub/Zines/RAH
|
||
nic.cic.net Dir: pub/nircomm/gopher/e-serials/alphabetic/r/rah
|
||
|
||
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
|
||
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
|
||
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
|
||
Internet to: dbealer@clark.net
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-2 November 1993
|
||
|
||
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
|
||
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
|
||
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
|
||
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
|
||
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
|
||
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
|
||
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
|
||
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
|
||
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
|
||
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
|
||
e-mail messages. It may not be possible to make private responses
|
||
to any submissions or correspondence received.
|
||
|
||
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
|
||
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
|
||
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
|
||
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
|
||
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
|
||
so keep it (mostly) clean.
|
||
|
||
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
|
||
1) Any material in the public domain.
|
||
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
|
||
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
|
||
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
|
||
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.
|
||
|
||
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
|
||
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
|
||
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
|
||
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
|
||
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
|
||
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
|
||
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
|
||
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
|
||
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
|
||
name, date of previous publication.
|
||
|
||
RAH Distribution System:
|
||
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
|
||
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
|
||
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
|
||
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
|
||
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual)
|
||
SailNet> 53:5000/1129 <contrib>
|
||
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
|
||
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
|
||
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
|
||
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
|
||
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
|
||
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-3 November 1993
|
||
|
||
RAH Gateway Systems:
|
||
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
|
||
007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
|
||
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 CrossNet> 73:400/0 SOGNet> 91:91/2
|
||
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
|
||
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
|
||
DoorNet> 75:7918/205 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
|
||
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
|
||
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 <mail only - no BBS)
|
||
|
||
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
|
||
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
PodsNet> 93:9600/2 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
|
||
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102
|
||
|
||
Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
|
||
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
|
||
|
||
SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi
|
||
FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual)
|
||
GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5
|
||
|
||
The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson
|
||
FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
IceInet> 354:2/10
|
||
|
||
Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague
|
||
FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual)
|
||
USPolNet> 30:603/103
|
||
|
||
Worlds Imagined BBS Ormond Beach, FL. Sysop: Richard Miller
|
||
FidoNet> 1:130/82 (904) 677-9562 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
USPolNet> 30:300/217 ITCnet> 85:881/756 VNET> @1904369
|
||
|
||
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau, Germany Sysop: Bernd Hohmann
|
||
FidoNet> 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 19200 (Z19)
|
||
FidoClassic> 2:248/317 Gamesnet> 144:4906/153 BasNet> 255:1000/0
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-4 November 1993
|
||
|
||
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
|
||
|
||
-= AUSTRALIA =-
|
||
Northern Territory
|
||
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Victoria
|
||
The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= BELGIUM =-
|
||
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= CANADA =-
|
||
Ontario
|
||
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis
|
||
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST
|
||
|
||
-= GERMANY =-
|
||
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19
|
||
|
||
-= ICELAND =-
|
||
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= NETHERLANDS =-
|
||
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
|
||
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual
|
||
Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis
|
||
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
|
||
Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis
|
||
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
|
||
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= PORTUGAL =-
|
||
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
|
||
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= SLOVENIA =-
|
||
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= TURKEY =-
|
||
SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
-= UNITED STATES =-
|
||
Alabama
|
||
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
|
||
Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
California
|
||
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
|
||
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
|
||
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
|
||
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-5 November 1993
|
||
|
||
Connecticut
|
||
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Florida
|
||
Ruby's Joint Coral Gables (P&BNet) (305) 856-4857 V.32bis
|
||
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
|
||
Worlds Imagined BBS Ormond Beach 1:3623/10 (904) 677-9562 V.32bis
|
||
Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Hawaii
|
||
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Idaho
|
||
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Illinois
|
||
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
|
||
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32
|
||
|
||
Indiana
|
||
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Maryland
|
||
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
|
||
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
|
||
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
|
||
Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis
|
||
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Michigan
|
||
007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Mississippi
|
||
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Missouri
|
||
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
New Mexico
|
||
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32
|
||
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST
|
||
|
||
New York
|
||
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
|
||
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
|
||
Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis
|
||
ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis
|
||
Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST
|
||
|
||
North Carolina
|
||
Fantasy Island Charlotte 1:379/29 (704) 365-8745 V.32
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-6 November 1993
|
||
|
||
Ohio
|
||
Village Online Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Oklahoma
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Oregon
|
||
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
|
||
|
||
Pennsylvania
|
||
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
|
||
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Texas
|
||
Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis
|
||
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Utah
|
||
Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Virginia
|
||
Ship to Shore Arlington 1:109/185 (703) 525-1458 V.32bis
|
||
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
|
||
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis
|
||
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
|
||
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Washington
|
||
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
|
||
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Wisconsin
|
||
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
=====================================================================
|
||
Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
|
||
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)
|
||
|
||
Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)
|
||
|
||
EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)
|
||
|
||
SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193
|
||
|
||
Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137 |