1083 lines
42 KiB
Plaintext
1083 lines
42 KiB
Plaintext
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R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!
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Volume 0 Number A July 1993
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A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
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is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.
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Editor: Dave Bealer
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Member of the Digital Publishing Association
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Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
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Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
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VaporWare Communications
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32768 Infinite Loop
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Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
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USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
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The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
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earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
|
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this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
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will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
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Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
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TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
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About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
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Editorial - Desperately Seeking Boredom............................01
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Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
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Electronic Tower of Babel..........................................03
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Things That Go Bump in the Hard Drive..............................05
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The Truth Behind MTBF..............................................07
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DaffyNitions (M-Z).................................................07
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RAH Humor Review: Usenet alt.comedy.british Newsgroup..............11
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Announcements......................................................12
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Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................13
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Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
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RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2
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Random Access Humor Page 1 July 1993
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About Vaporware Communications
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VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
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||
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
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VaporWare Corporate Officers:
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Luther Lecks
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President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
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Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
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V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
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Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
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V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
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Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
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Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
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V.P., Research & Development
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editorial - Desperately Seeking Boredom
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by Dave Bealer
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It's been an interesting summer so far here in Pasadena. I blew out
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a tire at high speed on the Baltimore Beltway (an amateur demolition
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derby venue that surrounds the city) but somehow managed to avoid
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death and/or dismemberment. The tire blew when I ran over a kitchen
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sink that someone had carelessly left lying in the middle of the fast
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lane. All right, it wasn't REALLY a kitchen sink, but it sure looked
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like one during the split second I had to try and avoid running over
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the stupid thing. Actually both tires on the passenger side were
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damaged beyond repair, but the front one managed to hold up while I
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limped the car to a tire store. Fortunately the trip to the tire
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store was only a few miles since my car has one of those tiny spare
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tires meant for a go-cart. The fact that this incident occurred on
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the first day of my vacation should have warned me that I was in for
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a bad time this summer.
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Actually, when the kitchen sink hurled itself in front of my car I
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was on my way back to Pennsylvania to visit Uncle Fred for the last
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time. I did finally get to see him a couple of days later, just two
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weeks before he died. Uncle Fred was a funny man. Not in the way a
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Dave Barry or Steven Wright is funny, but he was always ready with a
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clever comment. Fred was a mechanic and a card player whose special
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love was pinochle. Greg Borek and I both consider him our favorite
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six-handed partner. The extra limbs came in especially handy when
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dealing. Fred was a good man...the world could use more like him.
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Greg Borek swam across the Chesapeake Bay on June 13th. Greg denies
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that it had anything to do with the fact that Vinnie was chasing him
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at the time. Greg wasn't sure that he would have an article ready
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for this month's issue. We'll have to see just how persuasive Vinnie
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can be.
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Random Access Humor Page 2 July 1993
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Considering the recent flap over syringes in soda cans I'm hesitant
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to report my next near mishap, but it really happened. Two co-
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workers and I were having a luncheon buffet at work consisting of
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some Chinese carry-out food when I bit into a piece of glass. The
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glass in question was 5/8" long, about 1/4" wide at the widest point,
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and 3/32" thick, a piece of green bottle glass. The odd thing about
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it was that the glass was hidden inside the stem of a green onion
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(also known as a scallion). The odds against a piece of glass
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accidentally becoming lodged in the stem of a scallion in this fashion
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are very high. Fortunately I bit into the glass on the flat side and
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was not injured, although my molar left a mark in the glass.
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Needless to say my co-workers and I were quite unhappy that night
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since none of us were sure if we had ingested any glass. We were
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lucky as it turns out. The owner of the restaurant merely gave us
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our money back, and denies that the glass came from his place. We'll
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just see what the County Health Department has to say about this.
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As for me, I'm considering relocating to someplace safe, like
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downtown Detroit. Yep. Things sure have been interesting, like in
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that ancient Chinese curse: "May you live in interesting times."
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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>>>> Lettuce to the Editor <<<<
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Dear Dave,
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Ever since reading my first copy of RAH (Volume 0 Number 3) I
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have also been able to keep my insanity only by reading every single
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word in each month's issue of RAH. I have tried to get a RAH cult
|
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together, but nobody would give me enough money to buy that faster
|
||
modem I was going to use to download RAH quicker each month.
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Also, please don't make that cool hypertext annual edition of RAH
|
||
(in September) that you mentioned in the last (June) issue commercial
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software, especially $9999.99. Make it freeware, otherwise I will
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stand outside VaporWare HQ with a giant picket sign saying 'No
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Grapes'.
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Keep on RAHing!
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Mike Russo (mike.russo@cdreams.com)
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- - - - - -
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Thanks for the confused words, Mike. I can assure you that no
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grapes, Chilean or otherwise, are used in the production of RAH.
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Vinnie's hamsters may eat grapes from time to time, but that
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shouldn't matter to any of our readers.
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As far as the annual edition is concerned, it will definitely be a
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commercial product. It will probably fall in the low end of the
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price range mentioned last month, however. The monthly issues of RAH
|
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are and will remain freeware. Where else can you get humor of this
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quality for nothing? If annual edition sales warrant, next year we
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will start producing RAH t-shirts, hats, hamster cages, toilet paper,
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curtains, bed sheets, etc.
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DB {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Help Wanted - Food Taster. Must like spicy Chinese food and be
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willing to work odd hours. Call (410) 555-OUCH
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Random Access Humor Page 3 July 1993
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Electronic Tower of Babel
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by Dave Bealer
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Most newcomers to the BBS hobby are stunned by the bewildering
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variety of BBS software packages they must contend with. Commands
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and screens are different for each package, and sometimes for
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||
different versions of the same package. This guide is intended
|
||
to provide some basic information about each major software package
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||
in use on bulletin boards today.
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||
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Mailer software:
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These packages are known as "front-end" mailers, because they are the
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software that actually answers incoming calls. The mailer then
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||
determines whether the call is a network mail call or a human caller
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for the BBS. They do this by taking the pulse of the incoming
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caller. Since other mailers are not alive, they have no pulse.
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BinkleyTerminator
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- Freeware that gets the job done brutally and efficiently. It will
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always be back.
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DoorBell V2.10 NC (Non-contributing)
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- Users of this version aren't helping to make the payments on
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the author's Porsche.
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D'Plane!
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- Mailer written by a midget (like a fantasy come true).
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HostFink
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- Snooping mailer used by the bosses of the CRIME network to
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maintain absolute control over their members.
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BBS Software:
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This is the software that allows the caller to actually download
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files, enter doors, download files, read messages, download files,
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read bulletins (ha!), download files, enter messages or download
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files.
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BTBBS (Bigger Than a BreadBox System)
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- A system that keeps you guessing.
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The Kernel BBS
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- Stiff, proper and formal. A thoroughly professional package.
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PC Bored
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- Not what you think: politically correct BBS software.
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Mountain Goat
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- A sure-footed and surprisingly agile system.
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Parrot
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- Polly wanna chat?
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Kitchen Sink Net
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- A new entry that comes with everything. No utilities needed.
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Random Access Humor Page 4 July 1993
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Flashlight
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- A truly portable, illuminating package. Batteries not included.
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Asgard
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- The final destination system for all true BBS warriors.
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Sopwith Camel
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- Recent versions have had some trouble with looping. But, all in
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all, a sturdy system.
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Minimal
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- Functionality is the name of the game for this no-frills package.
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ABCBBS
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- Written in BASIC, one of the first Freeware BBS packages. This is
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the "see Spot run" of BBS software packages.
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CD-ROM Glom
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- Avoids all pretense of offering features other than file
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downloading. Works directly with most popular CD-ROM collections.
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BBS Utilities:
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Features are often added to BBS software packages in a haphazard
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fashion when they are added at all. Enterprising sysop/programmers
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||
often cook up their own utilities to add some desired function. Many
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||
of these features are eventually added to the core BBS software, but
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||
others are not.
|
||
|
||
BBS Utilities can be divided into two major categories: those written
|
||
to work with a specific type of BBS software, and those written to
|
||
work with almost any BBS package. The sheer volume and variety of
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||
BBS utilities makes it impossible to adequately cover the field with
|
||
anything less than a book length work. Nevertheless, a brief sample
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of the utilities available is presented here for your confusion.
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Attack of the Alien Zombie Vampires
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- A Game door. This particular game involves defending the planet
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against some un-ET-like visitors from an extremely violent
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galaxy. We're talking a galaxy that is more violent that
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downtown Beirut, but not quite as violent as downtown
|
||
Washington, DC. Most of the game seems to consist of watching
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||
the bad guys tear the heads off of humans in slow motion, all
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vividly depicted in your choice of RIP or NAPLPS graphics.
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Download Counters
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||
- These utilities allow fad conscious users to only download those
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||
files that are very popular. These utilities maintain the count
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||
for each file and insert the count somewhere in the file
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||
description. Some BBS packages already provide these counters
|
||
as a standard feature, but a few of those need extra help to
|
||
handle those 7 digit counts that are becoming commonplace on the
|
||
larger (2 or more line) boards.
|
||
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Random Access Humor Page 5 July 1993
|
||
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Last National Time Bank
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||
- Allows users to save access time not used today against the day
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||
they want to spend six straight hours playing "Attack of the
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Alien Zombie Vampires" or reading _War and Peace_ online.
|
||
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||
User Record Twaddler
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||
- This is a behind-the-scenes utility used by the sysop to perform
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||
such useful feats as twitting every user whose last name begins
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||
with "Q" on a daily basis. This product represents a whole class
|
||
of utilities which allow sysops to automatically slice, dice, and
|
||
make julienne fries out of user records, file areas, message
|
||
bases, individual files and messages on the system, that new
|
||
users' first born child, and other important system resources.
|
||
|
||
If you are a new BBS user and reading this article has left you more
|
||
confused than ever, fear not. Sysops are only slightly more aware of
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||
how their systems work than you are. {RAH}
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||
--------------
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Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
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||
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
|
||
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
|
||
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
|
||
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
|
||
Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Things That Go Bump in the Hard Drive
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by Ray Koziel
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Man has been trying to prove the existence of ghosts and spirits for
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generations. In this attempt to prove their existence, various
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||
classifications have been made. An example is "poltergeist", which
|
||
classifies ghosts that tend to be mischievous and playful. Recently
|
||
there appeared a new category of ghosts - "cybergeists." These are
|
||
ghosts which inhabit computers and are able to somehow communicate
|
||
with them directly.
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The first reports of a cybergeist comes from Paris, France. An
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accountant by the name of Jean-Claude Beaubien believes his computer
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is inhabited by the ghost of Napoleon. "I recall my first encounter
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quite well," Jean-Claude explains. "I like to play chess, so at work
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I have a PC version of a chess game that I play on break. One day I
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was playing the game and was getting frustrated because I could not
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beat the computer. Then, right before my eyes, one of the pieces
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moved without me touching the keyboard! I was amazed! It was that
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move that showed me what I needed to do and I eventually won the
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game. Since then I've had similar help with my games and I began to
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realize that this could not be a virus - there was some kind of
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entity inside my PC! One day I tried asking him what his name was
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and the word 'Napoleon' appeared on the screen. With the skill and
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strategy he displays while playing chess I feel this ghost must be
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the spirit of Napoleon Bonaparte himself!"
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Random Access Humor Page 6 July 1993
|
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Another report of cybergeist activity comes from Susan Gudenbed, a
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secretary in New York City. "I've always been one to run a tight
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ship. I don't like letting files clutter around so as soon as I feel
|
||
I'm finished with something I delete it off my PC. I can't stand
|
||
having all these files taking up space on my disk drive. About a
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month ago I erased a bunch of files pertaining to a proposal my boss
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was working on. The proposal never fell through so I felt I could
|
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get rid of the data. The next morning I came into work and all the
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files were back on my PC! My first idea was I thought I erased them
|
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but actually forgot to so I just deleted them again. The next
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||
morning the same thing happened! I thought I was beginning to loose
|
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my mind! But that same day my boss rushed up to me asking for the
|
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data in those files. It appears the other party had second thoughts
|
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on the proposal and wanted to look at the figures again. There must
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have been something in my PC which somehow kept me from completely
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deleting those files as it knew I would need them. Now I am
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convinced that some sort of spirit exists in my PC because it has
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helped me many times recovering files I thought had been lost."
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It appears that not all cybergeists have good intentions. There have
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also been reports about PCs suffering from the worst disk crashes and
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program anomalies yet there were no viruses or hardware problems
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detected. It could only mean the existence of cybergeists.
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Ronald Wizzbanger, expert in the study of ghost and paranormal
|
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activities, shares his views about the existence of cybergeists.
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"The possibility of the existence of ectocyber-activity is
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phenomenal! If ghosts are able to inhabit and haunt houses and such,
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why not a computer? This could be the lead we've been waiting for in
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advancing artificial intelligence by studying how spirits can
|
||
interface with the circuitry of a PC. Also imagine being able to
|
||
transfer someone's spirit from the human body into that of an android
|
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- thereby extending that person's existence. Why, the possibilities
|
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of this technology could be endless!"
|
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What do you think? Are cybergeists real or just fabrications to
|
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cover for miscoded programs and human error? We may never know for
|
||
certain, but if your PC begins to act a bit out of the ordinary,
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don't rush for the virus scanners. Your PC may have just turned into
|
||
a new home for someone beyond the grave! {RAH}
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--------------
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Ray Koziel is a systems programmer (C++ and Pascal) for Blue Cross
|
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Blue Shield of IL's EMC-Net, a private bulletin board used for
|
||
electronic submission of insurance claims. Living in Chicago with a
|
||
wife, a new baby boy and two dogs, Ray has found RAH helpful in
|
||
keeping his insanity. FidoNet: 1:115/542 (The Loonatic Fringe BBS)
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
|
||
|
||
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
|
||
|
||
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
|
||
|
||
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks,
|
||
"Do you want mustard with that?"
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 7 July 1993
|
||
|
||
The Truth Behind MTBF
|
||
submitted by Albert Fixl (Sunnyvale, CA) <fixl@sj.ate.slb.com>
|
||
|
||
>From <Name deleted to protect the innocent> Tue Jun 22 11:42:40 1993
|
||
Subject: Forwarded: MTBF daemon
|
||
|
||
From the net:
|
||
|
||
Sun Microsystems has long been aware that too high a value for system
|
||
MTBF (measured in days or fractions thereof) leads to a stultifying
|
||
sense of boredom and complacency on the part of the network
|
||
administrator. Thoughtfully, SUN has incorporated the little-known
|
||
MTBF daemon, which is quietly spawned at boot time, to ensure that all
|
||
users are exposed to the excitement of real breakdowns at reasonable
|
||
intervals. MTBFd is intelligent insofar that it automatically detects
|
||
the busiest server on the network and grafts itself onto the server's
|
||
sendmail daemon. Lifeboat simulations are no substitute for that
|
||
first actual file-scrambling catastrophe. Quoting the MTBFd (8) man
|
||
page, "it's not actually data corruption, as we use a special write-
|
||
only encryption algorithm." The initial panic and wringing of throats
|
||
soon gives way to the familiar elation of the front-line soldier
|
||
under fire: sinews are stiffened, blood is summoned. Site-wide
|
||
solidarity is magically rewoven as an almost forgotten camaraderie
|
||
emerge to weather the blitz. "For the system administrator shall lie
|
||
down with the controls engineer, yea, even the simple coder shall lie
|
||
down with the OI group leader." -- St. Presper's Epistolary Update to
|
||
the Pascalites, Release V, Level 1.2. The traditional supplier/user
|
||
frictions also, surprisingly, disappear since the user is now, as it
|
||
were, a born-again nonuser, and by definition a prospect for
|
||
*something*. Long-forgotten salespersons will arrive to offer
|
||
condolences and quotations for extended and enhanced service:
|
||
contracts, add-ons, RAID systems, UPSes, upgrades, and newly-released
|
||
allegedly working software. Eventually, the peaceful boredom of
|
||
uptime will be restored, prisoners exchanged, scapegoats tried and
|
||
executed, memorials erected to lost files, and a candle placed on the
|
||
console to honor the Unknown Coder.
|
||
|
||
----- End Included Message ----- {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
DaffyNition Taglines (M-Z)
|
||
compiled by Rob Nykvist (Theodore, AL)
|
||
|
||
MAD: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
|
||
|
||
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
|
||
|
||
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
|
||
|
||
Marriage: A sentence, not a word...
|
||
|
||
Marriage: The mourning after the knot before...
|
||
|
||
Masturbation: The human version of AUTOEXEC...BAT
|
||
|
||
Medical Staff: Doctor's cane...
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 8 July 1993
|
||
|
||
Memory dump: Amnesia...
|
||
|
||
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
|
||
|
||
Microwave: Wave from a midget...
|
||
|
||
Minor Operation: Coal digging...
|
||
|
||
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses...
|
||
|
||
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress...
|
||
|
||
Mixed Doubles: Renee Richard and Martina Navratolova...
|
||
|
||
Mobile: [Mo-BEEL'] -n... Cultural center of the Universe...
|
||
|
||
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...
|
||
|
||
Mondays: The potholes in the road of life...
|
||
|
||
Morbid: Higher offer...
|
||
|
||
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
|
||
|
||
Newsflash: Headless body found in topless bar...
|
||
|
||
Nitrate: Cheaper than a day rate...
|
||
|
||
Node: Was aware of...
|
||
|
||
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
|
||
|
||
Nymphomaniac: A girl that can only count up to sex...
|
||
|
||
Organic: Musical...
|
||
|
||
Outpatient: Person who has fainted...
|
||
|
||
Oxymoron: One who has used too much acne goo...
|
||
|
||
Papsmear: Fatherhood test...
|
||
|
||
Paranoia: Believing this tagline is written about you...
|
||
|
||
Parking lot: A place where arguments start from scratch...
|
||
|
||
Parking space: An area that vanishes as you make a U-Turn...
|
||
|
||
PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair...
|
||
|
||
Pedestrian: Someone who found a place to park...
|
||
|
||
Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis...
|
||
|
||
Perot: (A)bort (Q)uit (E)nd (T)erminate...
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 9 July 1993
|
||
|
||
Pessimist: An optimist with experience...
|
||
|
||
PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals...
|
||
|
||
Peter Pan: A washbasin in a house of ill repute...
|
||
|
||
Petting: A study in anatomy in braille...
|
||
|
||
Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience...
|
||
|
||
Postoperative: Letter carrier...
|
||
|
||
Procastinator: A fishing expert, gifted at casting lures...
|
||
|
||
Prostate: Flat on your back...
|
||
|
||
Protein: In favor of young people...
|
||
|
||
Prune Juice: The breakfast for Runers...
|
||
|
||
Psychoceramics: The study of Crackpots...
|
||
|
||
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something...
|
||
|
||
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness...
|
||
|
||
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines...
|
||
|
||
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing...
|
||
|
||
Purrson: A male kitty...
|
||
|
||
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty...
|
||
|
||
Pussability: A surprised kitty's "BOING..."
|
||
|
||
Pussy Whip: The dessert topping for cats...
|
||
|
||
Recovery Room: Place to do upholestry...
|
||
|
||
Rectum: Dang near killed him...
|
||
|
||
Redundancy: An air bag in a politician's car...
|
||
|
||
Rheumatic: Amourous...
|
||
|
||
Rubber band: Flexible musicians...
|
||
|
||
Secretion: Hiding something...
|
||
|
||
Seizure: Roman emperor...
|
||
|
||
Semiconductor: Part-time band leader...
|
||
|
||
Serology: Study of knighthood...
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 10 July 1993
|
||
|
||
Sit In: When you sit down to stand up for your rights...
|
||
|
||
Skydiver: A guy whose talks fall flat...
|
||
|
||
Soviet spy-dancer: A ballet ruse...
|
||
|
||
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
|
||
|
||
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
|
||
|
||
Tablet: A small table...
|
||
|
||
Elephone: How elephants call home...
|
||
|
||
Terminal glare: A look that kills...
|
||
|
||
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport...
|
||
|
||
Terror: A female Klingon with PMS...
|
||
|
||
Three stages of Sex: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly...
|
||
|
||
Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...
|
||
|
||
Tumor: More than one...
|
||
|
||
Urine: Opposite of "You're Out..."
|
||
|
||
Valorus: Large animal vit tusks; lives in vater...
|
||
|
||
Varicose: Near by...
|
||
|
||
Varicose Veins: Veins very close to each other...
|
||
|
||
Vein: Conceited...
|
||
|
||
Wedding rings: The world's smallest handcuffs...
|
||
|
||
WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with
|
||
documentation...
|
||
|
||
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
|
||
|
||
ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII... {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Said by my girlfriend just prior to her vacation to Mexico:
|
||
|
||
"I Have to be careful what I drink down there
|
||
because they have orgasms in the water."
|
||
|
||
Forget Spring Water, let's bottle some Mexican water.
|
||
|
||
submitted by: Christopher Boerma <cboerm48@Calvin.EDU>
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 11 July 1993
|
||
|
||
RAH Humor Review: Usenet alt.comedy.british Newsgroup
|
||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Is your regular humor conference/echo/newsgroup getting you down?
|
||
Are you sick of the same old blonde jokes, Koresh and burn jokes,
|
||
and "Mommy, mommy" jokes being repeated on a weekly basis? Then
|
||
consider reading the USENET alt.comedy.british newsgroup. Despite
|
||
their country's generally dull reputation, British humorists have
|
||
been showing the rest of us how high class humor should be done for
|
||
many years.
|
||
|
||
Monty Python and Benny Hill are the most well known British comedy
|
||
shows, at least in the United States. A few discerning individuals
|
||
are familiar with some of the other good shows, such as Blackadder;
|
||
Fawlty Towers; Red Dwarf; Yes, (Prime) Minister and The Young Ones.
|
||
Discussions of all these programs and many others occur regularly in
|
||
the alt.comedy.british newsgroup.
|
||
|
||
Since this is not a moderated newsgroup you will see an occasional
|
||
brain dead post by some clueless Neanderthal, but these are rare
|
||
compared to other humor conferences. Most of the posts in this
|
||
conference are not actually examples of British comedy, but requests
|
||
for information regarding British comedies and comedians.
|
||
|
||
Article 3046 (20 more) in alt.comedy.british:
|
||
From: kds52568@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (The Bean)
|
||
|
||
Subject: Re: Blackadder merchandising question
|
||
Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1993 01:04:11 GMT
|
||
Organization: University of Illinois at Urbana
|
||
Lines: 19
|
||
|
||
sherman_s@spcvxb.spc.edu (Scott Sherman) writes:
|
||
|
||
>Does anyone know of a catalog or store that sells Blackadder
|
||
>memorabilia? Such things as mugs, t-shirts, torture devices, etc.
|
||
|
||
>Please E-Mail any responses to:
|
||
|
||
>Scott Sherman
|
||
>Internet: SHERMAN_S@SPCVXA.SPC.EDU
|
||
>Bitnet: SHERMAN_S@SPCVXA.BITNET
|
||
|
||
>Thanks in advance
|
||
|
||
This past Saturday was a "Blackadder Fest" on PBS here in Seattle.
|
||
They were offering T-shirts, buttons, etc. as incentive to donate to
|
||
the station. Dunno if these were of the same design mentioned in the
|
||
other follow-up post.
|
||
|
||
Trina
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 12 July 1993
|
||
|
||
Article 3095 (6 more) in alt.comedy.british:
|
||
From: simonf@tmx.mhs.oz.au (Simon Foster)
|
||
|
||
Subject: Re: BlackAdder Season 5
|
||
Date: Sat, 19 Jun 93 16:00:37 -1000
|
||
Lines: 19
|
||
|
||
In <1993Jun17.202146.9131@nntpd2.cxo.dec.com>
|
||
berner@hsomai.enet.dec.com (JOEY BERNER) writes:
|
||
|
||
>Does anyone know if the fifth season of BlackAdder is available on
|
||
>video. It is the one where they are in outer space. If it's
|
||
>available, let me know. I have the other four seasons but the fifth
|
||
>one eludes me. Also, is there a BlackAdder FAQ available? If so,
|
||
>where??
|
||
|
||
To my knowledge there isn't a BA5, and the writers have said they
|
||
don't intend to produce any more Black Adders'. However, you may be
|
||
thinking of th Black Adder Christmas Special (where there is an
|
||
'outer space' scene) which is available on BBC Video.
|
||
|
||
Simon
|
||
- - - - - -
|
||
For those unfamiliar with Internet acronyms, a FAQ is a list of
|
||
"Frequently Asked Questions." Such lists exist for many of the
|
||
leading British comedies, such as Blackadder; Monty Python, etc.
|
||
Other lists are dedicated to a specific actor, such as Rowan
|
||
Atkinson (whose best known works include Blackadder and Mr. Bean).
|
||
A large proportion of the participants in this newsgroup are either
|
||
Brits or Aussies, although people from around the world like British
|
||
comedy. {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Announcements
|
||
|
||
RAH is now being distributed in Australia. Brett O'Hara of The
|
||
Flying Circus BBS in Highett, Victoria (a suburb of Melbourne) is
|
||
providing RAH to those "down under." Thanks, Brett! For those
|
||
keeping score, that's three continents down, four to go.
|
||
|
||
RAH will likely switch from monthly publication to a "10 times a
|
||
year" schedule starting in 1994. There will be issues each month
|
||
from September through May, then a single Summer issue, probably
|
||
released on July 1st. It turns out that Summer is just too busy for
|
||
me to publish the magazine every month and do it justice. This issue
|
||
may turn out to be a little thin, and August will be worse. I'd
|
||
rather publish RAH less frequently than turn out an inferior product.
|
||
|
||
The Puffin's Nest BBS (The Home of RAH) will be undergoing major
|
||
hardware and software upgrades during July 1993. These changes will
|
||
include a shift from MS-DOS to OS/2. We apologize in advance for
|
||
any difficulties experienced connecting to the system during the
|
||
conversion/upgrade process. {RAH}
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 13 July 1993
|
||
|
||
--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets
|
||
|
||
In need of a good reformatting.
|
||
|
||
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.
|
||
|
||
29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.
|
||
|
||
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
|
||
|
||
Love is grand, divorce is twenty grand.
|
||
|
||
She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
|
||
|
||
I played poker with tarot cards; got a flush and five people died.
|
||
|
||
Sir, sonar reports screw noises.
|
||
|
||
I'm not conceited, I just can't stand mortals.
|
||
|
||
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
|
||
|
||
Electric chairs are period furniture; they end a sentence.
|
||
|
||
Oh, goody! My Alludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!
|
||
|
||
Are the voices in my head bothering you?
|
||
|
||
But you thaid is was a pith helmet!
|
||
|
||
Recovering blonde.
|
||
|
||
My kid just beat up your honor student.
|
||
|
||
I need some duck tape. My duck has a quack in it.
|
||
|
||
Is there a Lemon Law for Presidents too?
|
||
|
||
My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.
|
||
|
||
She won't last forever, so why give her a diamond?
|
||
|
||
If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?
|
||
|
||
God is real, unless declared "integer."
|
||
|
||
All the world's a stage, but most of us are stage hands.
|
||
|
||
When you have sour cream every problem looks like a potato.
|
||
|
||
Come in, Beverly, and I'll show you a real Picard maneuver.
|
||
|
||
But you can't let her drive! She's legally blonde!
|
||
|
||
If I want your opinion, I'll read your entrails.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 14 July 1993
|
||
|
||
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only heavier.
|
||
|
||
"I'm a lawyer." "Honest?" "No, the usual kind."
|
||
|
||
Is this yours? Your dog left it on my lawn.
|
||
|
||
I fought the lawn and the lawn won.
|
||
|
||
In God we trust, all others we voice verify.
|
||
|
||
WARNING: No user serviceable characters in this tagline.
|
||
|
||
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/nope)
|
||
|
||
A crucifix? Oy vey, have you got the wrong vampire!
|
||
|
||
I practice safe eating...I use condiments.
|
||
|
||
I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant.
|
||
|
||
Beam me up Scotty! The liberals have taken over!
|
||
|
||
Sensors identify the creatures as "scrubbing bubbles."
|
||
|
||
{ed. note: This may have been funnier before one of my
|
||
proof-readers spotted a typo:}
|
||
|
||
Senors identify the creatures as "scrubbing bubbles."
|
||
|
||
{her question was: "Is this supposed to be a Spanish tagline?"}
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-1 July 1993
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Masthead:
|
||
|
||
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Non-Contributing Editor: Greg Borek
|
||
|
||
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
|
||
FidoNet: 1:261/1129
|
||
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
|
||
Internet: dbealer@access.digex.net
|
||
greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
|
||
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
|
||
Random Access Humor
|
||
c/o Dave Bealer
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
|
||
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
|
||
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
|
||
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
|
||
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
|
||
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
|
||
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and
|
||
are not necessarily those of the publisher.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights
|
||
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
|
||
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette,
|
||
CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written
|
||
permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the
|
||
publisher.
|
||
|
||
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
|
||
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
|
||
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
|
||
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
|
||
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
|
||
in combination with any other publication or product.
|
||
|
||
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
|
||
their respective owners.
|
||
|
||
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
|
||
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
|
||
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
|
||
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
|
||
Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from :
|
||
uglymouse.css.itd.umich.edu Directory: pub/Zines/RAH
|
||
|
||
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
|
||
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
|
||
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
|
||
Internet to: dbealer@access.digex.net
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-2 July 1993
|
||
|
||
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
|
||
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
|
||
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
|
||
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
|
||
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
|
||
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
|
||
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
|
||
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
|
||
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
|
||
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
|
||
e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses
|
||
to any submissions or correspondence received.
|
||
|
||
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
|
||
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
|
||
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
|
||
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
|
||
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
|
||
so keep it (mostly) clean.
|
||
|
||
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
|
||
1) Any material in the public domain.
|
||
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
|
||
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
|
||
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
|
||
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.
|
||
|
||
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
|
||
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
|
||
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
|
||
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
|
||
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
|
||
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
|
||
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
|
||
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
|
||
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
|
||
name, date of previous publication.
|
||
|
||
RAH Distribution System:
|
||
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
|
||
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
|
||
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
|
||
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
|
||
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101 <contrib>
|
||
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
|
||
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
|
||
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
|
||
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
|
||
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
|
||
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-3 July 1993
|
||
|
||
RAH Gateway Systems:
|
||
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
|
||
007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
|
||
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 CrossNet> 73:400/0 SOGNet> 91:91/2
|
||
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
|
||
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
|
||
DoorNet> 75:7918/205 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
|
||
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
|
||
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 <mail only - no BBS)
|
||
|
||
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
|
||
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
PodsNet> 93:9600/2 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
|
||
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102
|
||
|
||
Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
|
||
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
|
||
|
||
Parity BBS Ocean Isle, NC. Sysop: Pat Finnerty
|
||
FidoNet> 1:3627/107 (919) 579-1672 14400 (HST/Dual)
|
||
EchoNet> 50:5018/107 RANet> 72:919/20
|
||
|
||
SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi
|
||
FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5
|
||
|
||
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
|
||
|
||
-= AUSTRALIA =-
|
||
Victoria
|
||
The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= CANADA =-
|
||
Ontario
|
||
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis
|
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|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-4 July 1993
|
||
|
||
-= NETHERLANDS =-
|
||
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
|
||
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.32bis
|
||
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
|
||
Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis
|
||
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
|
||
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= SLOVENIA =-
|
||
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= TURKEY =-
|
||
SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2655079 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= UNITED STATES =-
|
||
Alabama
|
||
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
|
||
Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
California
|
||
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (NoFido) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
|
||
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
|
||
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
|
||
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Florida
|
||
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
|
||
Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Hawaii
|
||
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Illinois
|
||
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
|
||
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32
|
||
|
||
Indiana
|
||
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Maryland
|
||
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
|
||
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
|
||
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Michigan
|
||
CALnet @node.1 Detroit 1:2410/120 (313) 836-8275 V.32
|
||
007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Mississippi
|
||
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Missouri
|
||
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-5 July 1993
|
||
|
||
New Mexico
|
||
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32
|
||
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST
|
||
|
||
New York
|
||
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
|
||
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
|
||
Maj. Woody's Retreat New York 1:278/719 (212) 486-6281 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
North Carolina
|
||
Parity BBS Ocean Isle 1:3627/107 (919) 579-1672 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Ohio
|
||
Storyboard Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Oklahoma
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Oregon
|
||
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
|
||
|
||
Pennsylvania
|
||
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
|
||
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Texas
|
||
Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (NoFido) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis
|
||
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Utah
|
||
Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Virginia
|
||
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32
|
||
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
|
||
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Washington
|
||
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
|
||
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Wisconsin
|
||
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis
|