951 lines
40 KiB
Plaintext
951 lines
40 KiB
Plaintext
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R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH!
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Volume 0 Number 6 March 1993
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A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which
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is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world.
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Editor: Dave Bealer
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Member of the Disktop Publishing Association
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Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
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Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
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VaporWare Communications
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32768 Infinite Loop
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Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
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USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
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The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
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earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
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this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
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will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
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Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
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TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
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About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
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Editorial - Overcoming Tragedy.....................................01
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Survey Says!.......................................................02
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Lettuce to the Editor..............................................03
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The Case of the Call-Back Terrifier................................04
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Buccaneer Board Raided.............................................05
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Stranger Than Fiction: Form Letter.................................05
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Breaking Divine Wind...............................................06
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DaffyNitions (A-B).................................................08
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Science Fiction: TechNo-Geeks......................................10
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Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................11
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Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
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RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2
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Random Access Humor Page 1 March 1993
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About Vaporware Communications
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VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
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Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
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VaporWare Corporate Officers:
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Luther Lecks
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President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
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Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
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V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
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Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
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V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
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Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
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Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
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V.P., Research & Development
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editorial - Overcoming Tragedy
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by Dave Bealer
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It is with great sorrow that we announce the passing of RAH's ace
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investigative reporter, Bernie Krumb. Bernie, tireless worker that
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he was, stayed late to work on an assignment a few weeks ago.
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According to Vaporware Security Director, Vinnie Calamari, it appears
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that the exhausted Bernie became confused and wandered into the pen
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where Vinnie keeps his specially trained attack hamsters. Bernie
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never stood a chance.
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Although he was only on the staff for a few months, we all came to
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respect Bernie and appreciate his sense of fair play and team spirit.
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He will be sorely missed.
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On a happier note, we are pleased to announce that until a permanent
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replacement for Bernie can be found, his position is being filled by
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staff writer Muffy Mandel. Although somewhat lacking in practical
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experience, Muffy has excellent academic credentials. Muffy is a
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1992 graduate of the International Celebrity Writers Correspondence
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School. The prestigious ICWCS is staffed by such literary luminaries
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as Jane Fonda and William Shatner. You may recall their television
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ads featuring ICWCS diet book specialist Sally Struthers. We all
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wish Muffy great success as she assumes her new duties. {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Real Life Definitions:
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Dessert Storm -- a barrage of whipped cream dumped on an unsuspecting
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mound of Jell-O.
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Random Access Humor Page 2 March 1993
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Survey Says!
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by Dave Bealer
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I would like to personally thank both of the people who took the time
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and trouble to fill out and return the RAH Reader Survey. Statistics
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show that less than 10% of magazine readers answer surveys, so these
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results indicate that at least 20 or 30 people around North America
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read each issue of RAH. This is a gratifying development after only
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six months work.
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So far results of the survey are mixed:
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1) Most respondents favor keeping RAH focused on Computer/BBS/Online
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humor, although a vociferous minority are in favor of making RAH
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a general interest humor e-mag.
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My feeling is that RAH is better off staying in the niche that
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has brought it this far. High quality *original* humor that does
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not directly deal with the stated focus will always be considered
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for publication. Almost any subject matter (within the PG rating
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constraints) is fair game for taglines and Sound Bytes (fillers).
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As far as funny office memos and other formats go, only send in
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those concerned with computers/programming/online/BBS topics.
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2) Classified Advertising - most are indifferent to or in favor of
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this, provided it is kept within reason.
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Soon after the February issue went out the modem, and before any
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survey responses were received, I decided to shelve the idea of
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having classified ads in RAH. They tend to detract from an epub
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that uses them, and they would considerably complicate things for
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me by turning RAH into a business. Such complications are likely
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to prove inevitable in the long run but, lazy person that I am,
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will be put off as long as possible.
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OTOH, there is a possibility that free classified ads for other
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electronic publications may be offered on a reciprocal basis.
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3) Most of the discerning folks who replied correctly identified my
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glorious satire as the best part of RAH. Oh, and my modesty too.
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4) The "What would you like to see in future issues" question
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brought some interesting responses.
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a) Sorry, a centerfold of John C. Dvorak is not possible. PKZIP
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would choke on the staples.
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b) Lettuce to the Editor. What am I, a wabbit? Seriously
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though, good idea. Now all we need are some actual letters.
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If they aren't forthcoming, I may have to make some up.
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{If fact we did get a real letter, which follows.}
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c) A large proportion of respondents left this question blank,
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indicating, of course, that RAH (like its editor) is already
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perfect and requires no changes.
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Random Access Humor Page 3 March 1993
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>>>> Lettuce to the Editor <<<<
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Re your article on CMU's famous Internetted Coke machine:
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It was in the vestibule leading to the graduate/employee terminal
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room, behind a locked door (taking the famous X key), lest anyone
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think it was in the one that we mere snot nosed wet-behind-the-ears
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unworthy-of-respect-let-alone-Cokes non-slave undergrads were
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allowed to use. (Unless of course we walked behind someone, knew
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someone inside, found a key, or worked for them. Me? I ain't
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sayin'!) It was filled not by staff but by whoever wanted to, had
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the key to said terminal room, and could strong-arm, er, sweet-talk
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the staff into lending them the key to the room where the cases of
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Coke were kept. There was, tho, a reward: two Cokes per filling.
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(It was usually a two-person job, thus one Coke each.) Furthermore,
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the machine would report (and act) empty in each column when it
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really had a few Cokes left (note that this was not a CMU hack, but
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standard Coke-machine behavior), so the fillers got *cold* Cokes.
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And these were genuine SIXTEEN-OUNCE classic-shape bottles, for
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thirty five cents (or at least it did as late as 1986 or so), not
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the "twelve ounce cans for seventy five cents" ripoffs you find at
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bus stations and such.
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There were ideas floating around to wire other items, such as the
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snack machines on the first floor (this terminal room was on the
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third). Or even the M&M dispenser that was in the same room! (One
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April Fool's Day, legend hath it, some prankster filled it with
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Reese's Pieces. People got used to this - but when it got low
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someone topped it off with M&Ms again and mixed them well, thus
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creating a concoction I call "Hacker Surprise".) Most important,
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though, was the proposal to wire the bathrooms on each floor
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(usually one of each gender at each end plus the middle of each
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floor of Science Hall, now called Wean Hall so the former Scientists
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are now Weanies). Thus, the bleary-eyed 4 AM hackers wouldn't need
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to leave the terminal room (or office) only to discover that of the
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three stalls in the nearest bathroom, two were occupied and one had
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a broken toilet, so you had to either go up two flights or down to
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the other end of this floor.
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Dave Aronson (1:109/120)
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Alexandria, VA.
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- - - - - -
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Thanks for the update, Dave. The original article was written based
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on an echo conference report on the famous pop dispenser. Greg has
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rather proudly (and at great length) admitted to having once had
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possession of one of the mythical 'X' keys that granted access to
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that hallowed Shrine for Programmers.
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DB {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Sound Byte:
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Do objects have to pay an inheritance tax?
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Random Access Humor Page 4 March 1993
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The Computer Crimes Casebook Presents:
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The Case of the Call-Back Terrifier
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by Dave Bealer
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It was a dark and stormy night. No, wait. There once was a girl
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from Nantucket...no, that's not it either. <CNTL-ATL-DEL>
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NerdBIOS V0.97(VHS)
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64K RAH
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Personality Carousel V2+ Schizo-Initialization Complete
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There once was a sysop, whose name was Quasi Modem. Quasi lived in a
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really cool loft condo in a former bell tower. Like most sysops,
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Quasi had virtually no social life. Quasi ran a standard message and
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file board called Seal Pup Souffle. Quasi was not into political
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correctness, he was into handles.
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Everything was going splendidly for Quasi until he started to suffer
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from delusions that his users were trying to take advantage of him.
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Some of the dastardly fiends were even trying to evade the download
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ratios by logging on with different names. Quasi was absolutely sure
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of this because he can "sense" these things.
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Quasi decided to address this problem by installing call-back
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verifier software on his system. This would keep the dreaded file
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leaches from using more than one name to attack his system.
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New users started complaining to Quasi about the inconvenience of
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using the new-fangled CBV, but Quasi knew the whiners must all be
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frustrated leaches and kicked them off his system. Then one day
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Quasi's hard disk blew up. Of course, the Universal Computer Law
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assured that none of the backups worked.
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This really didn't bother Quasi, since now he had the perfect excuse
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to make all his existing users re-register using the CBV and the cool
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Caller ID system he had just installed. The file leaches would be
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squashed once and for all!
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Many of Seal Pup Souffle's most active users complained bitterly
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about the new system. Some folks called late at night and were
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forced to run around the house turning off all the telephone ringers
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so as not to wake sleeping family members when the dread beast called
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back. Often, the wait for the return call was in vain.
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Quasi knew his software just *had* to be working fine, it always did!
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Besides, door software is always bug free, everyone knows that! The
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bums who weren't completing the CBV process just couldn't handle
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typing ATA when the return call came. Serves 'em right! Worse yet,
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these creeps were probably file leeches and should be kept out of the
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new setup completely.
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The final straw for many previously active users came when the Caller
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ID system kept them from logging on Seal Pup Souffle from any phone
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line other than their home data line. Quasi Modem soon found himself
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with a small handful of users and a vastly under used system.
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Random Access Humor Page 5 March 1993
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Quasi Modem quickly degenerated into a bitter, broken sysop. His
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once friendly user base was in ruins. Quasi's sole consolation was
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that he now had time to write and distribute those viruses he had
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begun to dream of...to punish the leeches that destroyed his board!
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{RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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{Editor's Note: The following is satire. The editors and publisher
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of RAH in no way condone software piracy.}
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Buccaneer Board Raided
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by Muffy Mandel
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The Software Persecution Cooperative (SPC) triumphantly announced a
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raid by federal agents on a popular multiline bulletin board system
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(BBS) in Boredman, Ohio (which is probably redundant). The board,
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Adolph and Idi's BBS, was operated by a mysterious group calling
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themselves the Dead Dictators Society (DDS).
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The DDS is a group of self-proclaimed "software buccaneers" who
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operate buccaneer boards named after dead dictators. The DDS is also
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suspected of being the motivating force behind Laffite Software of
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New Orleans, which has narrowly dodged all investigations aimed at it
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to date. The SPC refers to the activities of DDS members and their
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organizations as software piracy. A DDS spokesperson, speaking on
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condition of anonymity, commented that, "The SPC is a front for the
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big time software vendors, who bleed the computing public white with
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overpriced, underpowered software. We're just looking out for the
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little guy."
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The FBI released a partial list of equipment seized in the raid:
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123 personal computers of various makes and models; misc. peripheral
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equipment, including 136 modems; 3 photocopiers; 22 cutlasses; 5
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black powder pistols; a 32 gun sailing frigate; 60 fragmentation
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hand grenades and 2 150-megaton nuclear warheads. The haul was
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characterized as "average armament for this type of board." {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Stranger Than Fiction: Form Letter
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by Dave Bealer
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Since the "real world" persists in creating funnier stuff than even
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my twisted mind can imagine, we will publish some tidbits regularly,
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at least whenever we come across something suitable. An acquaintance
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at Bucknell has confirmed the veracity of the following tale. Some
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time back the Bucknell University Library received a form letter
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which began as follows:
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Bertram Memorial Library
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Bucknell University
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Lewisburg, PA ...
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Dear Bertram,
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Now you and Mrs. Library can enjoy....
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This says something about the quality of mass-mailing software. {RAH}
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Random Access Humor Page 6 March 1993
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Breaking Divine Wind
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by Greg Borek (1:261/1129)
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Contrary to popular opinion, the user support hotline desk at
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Kamikaze computer is not a large, spacious room that boasts a window
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with a panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean. The actual conditions,
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almost too inhuman to mention, aren't too much unlike life at the
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bottom of missile silo: flickering florescent lighting, an extremely
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squeaky laser printer, a fax machine that insists on beeping very
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loudly to announce its presence at random intervals, coffee that was
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specifically mentioned in the Nuremberg war trials, and a smoking
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policy that only someone who lives in a chimney would enjoy.
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Under these adverse conditions, our hero bravely...deals with the
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public. Let's listen in:
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Support: Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how
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can I help you?
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Customer: Hello Bob. I bought a model A6M computer and I am having
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some problems with the floppy drive.
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Support: Let's see. The A6M has high density 5.25" floppy drives.
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What sort of problems are you having?
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Customer: Well, the drive is awfully slow and really squeaky.
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Support: Squeaky...Hmm. Sounds to me that it needs some lubrication.
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I recommend processed american cheese food.
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Customer: You want me to feed the mouse cheese?
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Support: No, of course not. That would be silly. Take the cheese
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out of the wrapper, put it in the disk drive and reboot the machine.
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Customer: Um...are you sure?
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Support: Of course I am. Only processed american cheese food
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contains the correct ratio of dairy and petroleum by-products to
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correctly lubricate a disk drive. When you call back remember to ask
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for Bob. Enjoy your Kamikaze and have a nice day. <Click> Kamikaze
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Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how can I help you?
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Customer: My name is Grandpa Jones.
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Support: Nice to meet you Mr. Jones. How can I help you?
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Customer: I bought one of your computers and it's a piece of junk.
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Support: That's not fair, Mr. Jones. What seems to be the matter?
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Customer: It doesn't work.
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Support: Well, Mr. Jones, could you be more specific? Did you
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assemble the computer yourself?
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Random Access Humor Page 7 March 1993
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Customer: Assemble? I took it out of the box and it just sits there.
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Support: Did you attach any of the shiny black wires that came with
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the computer from the computer to the power outlet on the wall?
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Customer: Wires?
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Support: How exactly did you expect the computer to work when it
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isn't even plugged in? If you look carefully the box says "Computer"
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and not "Fusion Reactor"; it doesn't generate it's own power, you
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must do something we technical people call "plugging it in". On
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second thought, I recommend that you don't even assemble your
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computer for fear of infecting it with your startling stupidity. When
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you call back remember to ask for Bob. Have a nice day. <Click>
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Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob, how can I
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help you?
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Customer: Hello. I recently purchased one of your computers through
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the mail and I was wondering what FCC class it is.
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Support: Which model do you have?
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Customer: Oh, I'm sorry, I should have said. Let me see, I have the
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documentation right here,...oh, yes, it's a N1K1.
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Support: Oh, a top of the line model. Well, that would be FCC class
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B.
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Customer: Class B, huh? Thank you. Also, I am concerned about the
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computer intefering with the TV and radio reception in my home. The
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question is, what is the best room in the house to put the computer?
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Support: The higher off the ground the better.
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Customer: Why higher off the ground?
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Support: Let me let you in on a not widely known electrical
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engineering secret. It is the little publicized Kirchhoff's Other
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Law: The higher off the ground the computer is, the faster it runs.
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Customer: Really?
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Support: Oh, yes. Have you ever seen a Cray computer? No, of course
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not. No one has. Why? Because they are tied to weather balloons
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and kept at very great altitude. They would use planes to keep them
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suspended in midair but they interfere with hard drives.
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Customer: I didn't know that. So where should I put the computer?
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Support: On the roof.
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Customer: On the roof? Isn't it going to get wet up there?
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Support: Most likely.
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Random Access Humor Page 8 March 1993
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Customer: I think that it's pretty irresponsible to recommend putting
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a computer somewhere it can get wet.
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Support: Not as irresponsible as purchasing several thousand dollars
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of computer equipment through the mail, sight unseen. When you call
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back remember to ask for Bob. Enjoy your Kamikaze and have a nice
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day. <Click> Kamikaze Computer user support hotline, my name is Bob,
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how can I help you?
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Customer: Hi there, Bob. I was wondering if you could quote me the
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prices for several Kamikaze computer models.
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Support: This is the user support hotline. The sales lines are
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available during regular business hours. What model of computer were
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you interested in, anyway?
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Customer: I was wondering if you had a 486DX2 at 66 Mhz with over a
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500 Meg hard disk, say for under $1000.
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Support: No, you cheap bastard. What do want us to do just mail you
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a computer for free? When you call back be sure to ask for Bob.
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<Click>
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<Another support person enters the office.>
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New Person: Hello, Chuck. How's it going manning the hotline on your
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last day?
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Support: I'll tell you Bob, the phone has been ringing off the hook,
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one call right after another. I don't mind though, keeps me busy.
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New Person: Well, Chuck, I'm really sorry to hear about you getting
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laid off. I hope it's not been too rough on you.
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Support: I've learned to deal with it in my own way. Good luck, Bob.
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Have fun on the phones tomorrow night. {RAH}
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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DaffyNition TagLines (A-B)
|
||
compiled by Rob Nykvist (Theodore, AL)
|
||
|
||
Acoustic: Instrument used in billiards...
|
||
|
||
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery...
|
||
|
||
Alarm clock: Something that makes people rise and whine...
|
||
|
||
Alarm clock: A machine that scares the daylights into you...
|
||
|
||
Alfred Hitchcooking: Stabbing frozen peas to get them to cook
|
||
faster...
|
||
|
||
Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got...
|
||
|
||
Amateur hour: That 60 minutes after the bars close...
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 9 March 1993
|
||
|
||
An udder failure: Cow that doesn't give milk...
|
||
|
||
Annoying: Two people who go right on talking when you're
|
||
interrupting...
|
||
|
||
Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins...
|
||
|
||
Artery: Study of fine paintings...
|
||
|
||
Astronaut: Whirled traveler...
|
||
|
||
Atheism: A non-prophet organization...
|
||
|
||
Bacteria: The rear portion of the cafeteria...
|
||
|
||
Baby philosophy: If it stinks, change it...
|
||
|
||
Bachelor: One who never makes the same mistake once...
|
||
|
||
Bachelor: One who's footloose and fiance free...
|
||
|
||
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails...
|
||
|
||
Bathing Beauty: A girl worth wading for...
|
||
|
||
Baudy House: Bordello with a modem...
|
||
|
||
BBS Trek: The Text Generation...
|
||
|
||
Belly Dancers: People who use sign language and stutter...
|
||
|
||
Below Average Pilot: Unequal number of takeoffs and landings...
|
||
|
||
Blind Spot: What Dick and Jane did to be cruel...
|
||
|
||
Bore: A person who has nothing to say and says it...
|
||
|
||
Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O, or U...
|
||
|
||
Brassiere: A tit-tote...
|
||
|
||
Buccaneer: The price of corn on the cob...
|
||
|
||
Bulldozer: One who can sleep through a campaign speech...
|
||
|
||
Bunnies hopping backward: A receding hareline...
|
||
|
||
Bureaucat: A kitty who sleeps on your undies... {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Real World Definitions:
|
||
|
||
1) Funda--pertaining to the bottom or beneath
|
||
2) Mental--pertaining to thought or to the mechanism of thinking
|
||
|
||
Fundamentalist--(a) one who is beneath thought; (b) a butthead
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 10 March 1993
|
||
|
||
Science Fiction: TechNo-Geeks (SF:TNG)
|
||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Advanced technology has been the backbone of science fiction
|
||
throughout the history of the genre. Whiz-bang special effects
|
||
and fantastic bug-eyed monsters from fascinating alien cultures are
|
||
the magnets that have drawn millions to theatres and TV screens for
|
||
the past forty years. But, with the exception of the shopworn "alien
|
||
invasion" sub-genre, advanced technology is what has allowed mankind
|
||
to venture forth into space and meet these wonderful, and often
|
||
terrible, aliens.
|
||
|
||
In the 1950s, with few true frontiers left on this planet, many
|
||
people sought an escape, even for a short time, in the alien
|
||
landscapes of science fiction. The aliens were invariably short,
|
||
green and bug-eyed. Computers were masses of blinking, beeping
|
||
machinery. In those early years when real computers were shown on
|
||
the screen, the part usually shown was the tape drives. That's
|
||
because spinning tapes are about the only part of real mainframe
|
||
computers that actually *do* anything interesting. The sad truth is
|
||
that the science fiction movies of this period are regular (and quite
|
||
appropriate) subjects of ridicule on _Mystery Science Theatre 3000_.
|
||
|
||
A classic example of this phenomenon was the early-sixties TV series
|
||
_Time Tunnel_, which featured a huge underground science complex
|
||
under the desert of the Southwestern U.S. The projects's massive
|
||
computer was controlled by two large control panels in front of the
|
||
tunnel entrance, staffed by the lead technicians on the project. The
|
||
remainder of the computer was mostly represented by two banks of tape
|
||
drives, complete with madly spinning tape reels. The fact that the
|
||
system never seemed to work correctly can probably be traced to the
|
||
fact that all of the project applications were written in COBOL...
|
||
un-structured COBOL.
|
||
|
||
Automata sensitivity experts now believe that Colossus, the star of
|
||
_Colossus: The Forbin Project_ would never have turned to evil if it
|
||
had been programmed in a friendly language like C or BASIC, rather
|
||
than the anal-retentive FORTRAN. Computers hell-bent on destroying
|
||
mankind remain a popular sub-genre of science fiction. Joshua's tape
|
||
drives were much in evidence in the 1983 thriller _Wargames_. Also
|
||
popular is the "Killer Robot" syndrome, as portrayed by the Cylons in
|
||
_Battlestar Galactica_. The epitome of this classification is, of
|
||
course, Arnold Schwarzenegger's loquacious _Terminator_.
|
||
|
||
In 1966 a new presence appeared on the small screen that changed the
|
||
landscape of science fiction forever. _Star Trek_ debuted to a great
|
||
deal of acclaim from viewers, but was cancelled just three years
|
||
later, despite hundreds of thousands of letters from fans. I shall
|
||
now reveal, at great personal risk, the *real* reason the original
|
||
_Star Trek_ series was cancelled. It was the computers on board the
|
||
_Enterprise_ - which never used tape drives. Network executives
|
||
couldn't cope with the idea of computers without spinning, blinking
|
||
tape drives to show on screen.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 11 March 1993
|
||
|
||
Actually, that's not true. The *real* reason _Star Trek_ was
|
||
cancelled was that *I* liked it! That's right. During the sixties
|
||
and early seventies any TV program which I enjoyed watching was
|
||
promptly cancelled. Don't worry, intensive counseling has helped me
|
||
overcome this great tragedy of my childhood. I *do* still exhibit a
|
||
Former Chief Inspector Dreyfus-like facial twitch whenever someone
|
||
pours me a big bowl of Wheaties. But the shrink says there is only a
|
||
slight chance of my becoming a cereal killer.
|
||
|
||
Each generation of science fiction has had its technological
|
||
advances, needed to keep ahead of rapidly advancing real scientific
|
||
achievement. The syndicated series _Star Trek: The Next Generation_
|
||
(ST:TNG) has set new records for sheer volume of ridiculous techno-
|
||
babble and pseudo-technology foisted on the audience in the name of
|
||
plot. Lt. Cmdr. Data may be an android, but precious little remains
|
||
of Captain Picard's original human body. That poor old guy has been
|
||
through the wringer. Only a piece of his right big toe is original.
|
||
Everything else has been replaced, and in some cases enhanced, by the
|
||
brilliant (and libidinous) Dr. Beverly Crusher.
|
||
|
||
The unbelievable scientific conjuring that is perpetrated in the Big
|
||
E's engineering area (not to mention the holodeck) leads to the
|
||
obvious conclusion that there is little difference between the
|
||
technology of ST:TNG and _Weird Science_, except Geordi and Data
|
||
aren't wearing bras on their heads when they create their "miracles".
|
||
{RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
--- Taglines Seen Around the Nets
|
||
|
||
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
|
||
|
||
It was the best of lines, it was the worst of lines...
|
||
|
||
A dirty book is seldom dusty.
|
||
|
||
Fish are so hard to toilet train.
|
||
|
||
Lawyers: the larval form of politicians.
|
||
|
||
I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.
|
||
|
||
And they shall plow their swords into beach chairs.
|
||
|
||
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
|
||
|
||
Shareware author dies: .GIF at eleven!
|
||
|
||
It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone shorts.
|
||
|
||
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
|
||
|
||
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
|
||
|
||
The upper crust is just a bunch of crumbs clinging together.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 12 March 1993
|
||
|
||
If you hear an onion ring, please answer it!
|
||
|
||
If you stand up to be counted someone will take your seat.
|
||
|
||
Pollytheism n.; the belief that God is a parrot.
|
||
|
||
If you ain't Moslem, you ain't Shiite.
|
||
|
||
Here I sit, in a tizzy - all my favorite boards are busy.
|
||
|
||
I'm not Canadian, although I tend to like their bacon.
|
||
|
||
I smell a rat. Did you bake it or fry it?
|
||
|
||
What fools these morals be?
|
||
|
||
"Old poets never die, they just ride off into the sonnet."
|
||
|
||
I'll have one brain on drugs with bacon, toast and juice.
|
||
|
||
Psst, your file is open.
|
||
|
||
Computer illiteracy? You mean my computer's supposed to READ?
|
||
|
||
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
|
||
|
||
Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
|
||
|
||
Apathy error: Don't bother striking any key.
|
||
|
||
Will that be cache or chkdsk?
|
||
|
||
Ignorance is temporary; Stupidity lasts forever!!!
|
||
|
||
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
|
||
|
||
You've got to hand it to the IRS. If not, they'll come and take it.
|
||
|
||
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
|
||
|
||
We all live in a yellow subroutine.
|
||
|
||
Money is the root of all evils. Send $20 for more information.
|
||
|
||
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
|
||
|
||
We secretly replaced the dilithium crystals with Folgers crystals..
|
||
|
||
Editing is a rewording activity.
|
||
|
||
File not found, but if you'll hum a few bars...
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-1 March 1993
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Masthead:
|
||
|
||
Editor: Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Contributing Editor: Greg Borek
|
||
|
||
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
|
||
FidoNet: 1:261/1129
|
||
Internet: f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
|
||
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
|
||
|
||
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
|
||
Random Access Humor
|
||
c/o Dave Bealer
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a
|
||
disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may
|
||
be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated
|
||
with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of
|
||
individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution
|
||
of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the
|
||
authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and
|
||
are not necessarily those of the publisher.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights
|
||
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
|
||
commercial purposes only. Any system which charges hourly connect
|
||
fees is obviously commercial. Any system which charges more than $10
|
||
per month ($120/yr) for download privileges is considered to be a
|
||
commercial system for these purposes and may not distribute RAH. RAH
|
||
may not be distributed on diskette, CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a
|
||
fee. For any other use, contact the publisher.
|
||
|
||
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
|
||
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
|
||
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
|
||
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
|
||
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
|
||
in combination with any other publication or product.
|
||
|
||
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
|
||
their respective owners.
|
||
|
||
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
|
||
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
|
||
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
|
||
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
|
||
|
||
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
|
||
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
|
||
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via
|
||
Internet to: dave.bealer@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-2 March 1993
|
||
|
||
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
|
||
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
|
||
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
|
||
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
|
||
extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for
|
||
widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple
|
||
specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative
|
||
names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly
|
||
minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file
|
||
names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more
|
||
e-mail messages. It will not be possible to make private responses
|
||
to any submissions or correspondence received.
|
||
|
||
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
|
||
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
|
||
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
|
||
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
|
||
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
|
||
so keep it (mostly) clean.
|
||
|
||
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
|
||
1) Any material in the public domain.
|
||
2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it
|
||
yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder.
|
||
3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an
|
||
organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder.
|
||
|
||
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
|
||
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
|
||
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
|
||
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
|
||
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
|
||
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
|
||
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
|
||
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
|
||
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
|
||
name, date of previous publication.
|
||
|
||
RAH Distribution System:
|
||
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
|
||
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
|
||
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
|
||
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
|
||
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
SailNet> 53:5000/1129 CinemaNet> 68:1410/101 <contrib>
|
||
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
|
||
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHmmyy.ZIP
|
||
(RAH0992.ZIP for premiere issue)
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHmmyyR.ZIP
|
||
(RAH0293R.ZIP and later only)
|
||
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
|
||
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-3 March 1993
|
||
|
||
RAH Gateway Systems:
|
||
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
|
||
The Depths of Hell Bayonne, NJ. Sysop: Eric Knorowski
|
||
FidoNet> 1:107/813 (201) 437-5706 16800 (HST/Dual)
|
||
FishNet> 21:102/101 CandyNet> 42:1011/1 ChateauNet> 100:5801/100
|
||
<contrib>
|
||
|
||
007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller
|
||
FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 <mail only - no BBS>
|
||
|
||
The Edge of Sanity Dearborn, MI. Sysop: Tom Smith
|
||
FidoNet> 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 9600 (V.32)
|
||
SogNet> 91:7/4279
|
||
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley
|
||
FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1
|
||
DoorNet> 75:7918/205 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura
|
||
FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200
|
||
MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 <mail only - no BBS)
|
||
|
||
WRITER'S BIZ BBS Waynesville, MO. Sysop: Rick Arnold
|
||
FidoNet> 1:284/201 (314) 774-5327 14400 (v.32bis)
|
||
RBBSnet> 8:921/705 <publication site of RUNE'S Rag>
|
||
|
||
Cyberdrome Philadelphia, PA. Sysop: Mike Taylor
|
||
FidoNet> 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
PodsNet> 93:9600/2 <contrib>
|
||
|
||
Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent
|
||
FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102
|
||
|
||
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
|
||
|
||
Alabama
|
||
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
|
||
Night Watch Birmingham 1:3602/26 (205) 841-2790 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
California
|
||
Dragon's Cave Berkeley 1:161/412 (510) 549-0311 V.32bis
|
||
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (NoFido) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
|
||
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
|
||
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
|
||
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-4 March 1993
|
||
|
||
Florida
|
||
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Idaho
|
||
The Blue Note BBS Pocatello 1:347/26 (208) 233-8782 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Illinois
|
||
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
|
||
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32
|
||
|
||
Indiana
|
||
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Maryland
|
||
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
|
||
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Michigan
|
||
The Edge of Sanity Dearborn 1:2410/279 (313) 584-1253 V.32
|
||
CALnet @node.1 Detroit 1:2410/120 (313) 836-8275 V.32bis
|
||
007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (Mail only) V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Missouri
|
||
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis
|
||
WRITER'S BIZ BBS Waynesville 1:284/201 (314) 774-5327 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
New Jersey
|
||
The Depths of Hell Bayonne 1:107/813 (201) 437-5706 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
New Mexico
|
||
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32
|
||
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST
|
||
|
||
New York
|
||
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
|
||
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Oklahoma
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Pennsylvania
|
||
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
|
||
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Quebec, Canada
|
||
Supernova BBS Scotstown 1:257/40 (819) 657-4603 2400
|
||
|
||
Texas
|
||
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 V.32
|
||
|
||
Virginia
|
||
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 HST
|
||
|